As Narcissists Get Older
Their bitterness, anger, and frustration, will turn to hate, and they will be crowned with jealousy. All of their tactics will turn against themselves because they'll have no one there to blame.
Consequence will stare them straight in the face, but they will refuse to see their own reflection. The veil of their blindness will fall over them like a thick fog, but they will be too afraid, and fragile to see it. They'll get depressed at the slightest lifting of that veil.
They'll continue their tactics, blaming every one, avoiding responsibility, turning away from consequence, but they'll only dig a deeper hole, and the wounds will get deeper.
Their delusions will trick them, they'll think they found another victim, another way to manipulate, a different trick to pull, still thinking they're smarter, but their attempts will backfire over and over again.
Sections:
- What Happens as Narcissists Get Older
- How & Why They Worsen with Age
- Resources for Narcissists
- Opinion Articles/Comments
What Happens as Narcissists Get Older?
Something scary. In most instances... "Karma?"
On the face of it, most narcissists seem to be able to swan through life, charming and confident, without a care in the world for the trail of destruction, chaos and heartache they leave in their wake.
They have little remorse, and nothing appears to be able to halt their unstoppable march toward further emotional devastation of anyone conned into caring about them.
This is a fallacy, however. Meet what is referred to as Narcissistic Collapse, something that becomes increasingly probable and imminent as they age.
Narcissistic Collapse
The Aging Narcissist or Sociopath will possibly thrive well into their 20s and 30s, having given the impression to everyone they have been popular or the "cool person" since childhood. By the time they reach their 40s, the tables begin to turn.Their looks catch up with them. They've pissed so many supporters off along the way that people steer clear.
The players in their make-believe world including friends, enablers and flying monkeys wake up to realize that the whole victim narrative was a string of lies and that it is they who are the toxic ones, and not their victims.
That none of their apparent "success" in life is actually attributable to them but was essentially stolen or borrowed from others.
Mental Breakdown
Narcissistic Collapse presents itself as a massive mental breakdown after which they become withdrawn and isolated. They struggle to face themselves, and as a result can't face the world. They are mean and bitter, and it is someone else's fault - as ever.Narcissistic Collapse is generally permanent - the narcissist never recovers for the rest of their life.
Narcissistic Hibernation
This generally happens when the Narcopath loses their key sources of narcissistic supply and therefore struggles to maintain their charade.
They lie low until another is found and from whom they are able to derive sufficient narcissistic supply to feel good enough about themselves to face the world again.
Karma
This is the karma about which pundits offer refer. It'll happen, sure enough. And if you as a victim want to accelerate the onset of narcissistic collapse, just go out there an thrive. Your success deals the hammer blows.Since they've avoided responsibility all their lives, and relied on others to meet their basic needs, they often eventually struggle with simple acts. Dictators by nature, and having no one to dictate to, they'll have to cope with their own demands and find that they can't keep up with these demands themselves.
Why Narcissists Worsen with Age
Aging is part of the normal developmental stage in life for everybody. We cannot escape it and although we rather wouldn't like to get older, but with this comes a maturity and new found wisdom that you can only get through life experience.
We often hear ourselves saying "if only we know that 10 years ago". But what the narcissist cannot do is dodge, lie, cheat, hide or talk their way out of the aging aging process. Old age DOES catch up with them and it its not pretty!
We often hear ourselves saying "if only we know that 10 years ago". But what the narcissist cannot do is dodge, lie, cheat, hide or talk their way out of the aging aging process. Old age DOES catch up with them and it its not pretty!
They usually get worse as they age.
They get progressively more skilled at manipulation from experience.
They get more arrogant.
They get more brazen.
And finally they start to lose the need to mask what they are doing in what appears to be old age related, simply cant be bothered going to the trouble of faking it any longer, kind of behavior.
I have literally NEVER had one say their narc got BETTER with time.
Always it got worse as they aged- unless you are talking about children. If so then the answer is - they grew up. Children are essentially all narcissists because narcissists are essentially children that never fully grew up.
Aging is hard. For so many of us, losing our vitality and facing our mortality is a scary, painful grind. But we discover upsides, like knowing stuff, slowing down to listen, seeing our kids and grandkids thrive and helping them when they falter, enjoying long-term connections with family and friends, recognizing our core values and releasing shallow pursuits, reaping the fruits of our professional and personal labors.
The wise among us take time to reflect, savor, and continue finding ways to grow and give back, like deeply ringed trees breathing out life-giving oxygen.
Bette Davis aptly said, "growing old is not for sissies." Pathetically, there is no bigger 'sissy' than a never-changing narcissist. And as their sources of self-worth and identity dwindle, they become more brittle and weak, likely to wither at first frost rather than root in for winter and bloom again.
Bitterness
Having relied heavily on externalities such as their looks, wealth, trophy partners, possessions, connections, conquests, fame, or professional achievement to fortify their fragile self-esteem, older narcissists find themselves increasingly stripped of their defenses and diminished in their ability to charm, influence, impress, manipulate, and otherwise control others.
Since narcissists nearly always refuse to take responsibility for their actions or circumstances, they grow bitter and feel victimized by life, blaming others for their disappointments.
Going to Extremes
Narcissists tend to age into extreme versions of their worst selves. And when dementia comes into the picture, it only exacerbates matters.
Aging narcissists typically become more:
- desperate
- deluded
- isolated
- paranoid
- defensive
- bitter
- angry
- rigid
- mean
- abusive
Isolation
Because of narcissists' lack of compassion and their antagonism, as they age their relationships and friendships often falter or fail, leaving them lonely and isolated.
Spouses may have left or withdrawn to avoid their criticism and combativeness.
Adult children may have pulled away or cut contact altogether because of their toxic influence.
Their grandchildren may be estranged from them because their adult children have asserted boundaries to protect their kids.
Friends may have pulled away because of their unmasked arrogance, selfishness, and envy.
Neighbors and other community members may have rejected them because of their callous behavior and rude assertions of superiority and entitlement.
Extended family may have excluded them because of their divisiveness.
Bigotry
As their personal power fades and their social sphere narrows, narcissists are more likely to look for scapegoats anywhere they can.
Their increasingly desperate grandiose delusions often bring out bigotry and assertions of superiority over marginalized people, including other old people.
Aging narcissists often express ageism, sexism, queer phobia, and racism to bolster themselves against their tormented feelings of lost power over others.
Resources for Narcissists
Opinion Articles & Comments:
By this time their children either have grown up and left or are completely destroyed, homeless or in mental hospitals or even have committed suicide, leaving them without their primary source of narcissistic supply.
It is common for narcissists to end up in poverty, as they spend all their money on appearances to try to impress people and do not make plans for the future, since they believe they are omnipotent and will always have someone they can manipulate into supporting them. They believe they own their children, and actually raise children to become their nurses at old age, and marry for the same purpose, but as their children or spouse at this point are either destroyed themselves or fed up by the abuse, they won't. If a narcissist has money, he will go through plastic surgery, hair implants, everything to try to keep his youthful looks and will behave as a 25 year old in their 50s and 60s, which looks ridiculous to everyone else, further driving people away.
They have made so many victims to testimony their abuse that now everyone knows about their true self. This is called a "collapsed narcissist", who have lost all his source of narcissistic supply and has no more reason to live. People now can see the narcissist for what he is: a ridiculous, selfish, immature, horrible person. The narcissist will resort to naïve attempts to try to keep a social life, but unable to keep people captive, as he lacks his old charms, he will always be left behind. Anyone who stays with them for some time will suffer continuous abuse, as the narcissist is now just a bitter person. They lack any real feeling or emotion, envy people who do, and can no longer get narcissistic supply to distract themselves from their inner emptiness.
If you go to a party with a collapsed narcissist, he will ramble all the time about all these stupid people daring to have fun in front of him when there is no actual reason to do so and shout at you for trying to socialize with others, leaving him behind. There is no longer a cycle of abuse, there is a continuous storm, he can no longer charm the person into staying by pretending to be nice, then burst into a narcissistic rage and blame the person for something. No one will want to be with such a person. My father ended up exactly like this. It's sad.”
I think the mellow can be passivity instead of an actual relaxing.
It is believed that the underlying personality of someone comes out when they have dementia. This is what largely determines if a dementia person is violent and dangerous.
Someone diagnosed with narcissism put it the best way possible - "Nothing. What are you expecting to happen? A sweep of clarity to come over me and for me to go, "Oh my goodness! Silly me! I'm totally a narcissist! Thank you for giving me this insight on my behavior. Where would I be without you?" Lmao. Of course that won't happen."
Exactly. I made the mistake of telling a narcissist that I believe he should go get tested for early onset Alzheimer's. It runs in his family and the symptoms were really starting to affect his life. I told him early medication can stop the progression and there are natural methods that have shown to reverse it.
He listened and said ok. No anger. And didn't do anything with it. The first time he couldn't remember driving directions (right down the road for home) in a town he grew up and has lived 50+ years, I suggested it again. I later bought some supplements to help.
He appeared to be open. Passive but open.
One day, during an outburst, his feelings about Alzheimer's came out. He was fine. I was the one that was "crazy". I didn't have any qualifications to try to diagnose him. And then an outburst about everything that had nothing to do with the issue at hand. The normal tirade with twists.
Which in reality is true. However, I've experienced it before with a couple of people. I did see warning signs and I did see the changes in him that warranted concern.
This adds another layer of uncertainty, twists and trauma for the people in a relationship with a narcissist. And then the question arises: morally, is it ok to turn your back on someone that has Alzheimer's and needs help? It is a disease. And whether they want help or not, at some point they will be incapable of making that choice for themselves.
As others have stated, they appear to mellow. They will quickly snap out of the mellowness if they feel challenged.
Opinion Article:
As I've posted elsewhere: My father eventually killed himself.
He'd had a stroke but a nurse in his co. told him she thought he was having another. This was after a reasonable recovery from the first stroke but...even when he went back to work after the first one co worker noted he "was fading fast" with mental faculties etc. I think when the nurse told him he was having a second stroke he panicked. Most people would run to the ER or call their doctor. Not him. He ran for the overpass.
There is an irony there! We two girls struggled financially, thought we were self sufficient for two single ladies. But had he not depleted our college funds and wrecked the family's financial footing we would have both gone on to college and degrees. I was a (almost) straight A student until forced to work a job while still going to school and dealing with the stress of him. Grades took a plummet. What I am trying to say was at 29 and 32 years of age under normal circumstances his daughters would have been diploma'd women in professional fields with an earning power that could have been used to helped him but... he sewed the seeds of his own destruction in that direction years before. Put us behind the 8 ball. Now we were in no position to help much even if we wanted to. And at that time we did still care, despite it all.
Worst of all he cried to my sis that if he hadn't broken up with his last girlfriend "she would be taking care of me now in my old age." My sis let him know that was not love. I saw the letters he sent to that poor sweet woman and he tore her apart. Said vile things to her and about her daughter. Plus character assassinated both of them to others. (And everything said about her was true about him. That she was cold, unfeeling, had no soul and used people.) Worst of all in earlier correspondence I saw where he tried to manipulate some alone time with the then teenage daughter. I now know what that meant! Both women - the ex and her daughter- came to the house where my dad rented a room, so the ex girlfriend could offer condolences. Her daughter stared in such away at us as to annoy my sister and make her uncomfortable. I had a pretty uneasy feeling I knew why but I said nothing beyond small talk. ( Where ever she is now I wish her peace. I wish all his victims peace. He didn't even have to touch them. Just getting inside a young girl's head he would have done damage.)
The truth was I suspect my mom was my Dad's biggest and steadiest "supply" and when he put her in an early grave it was all down hill after that. He never remarried.
Each ADULT woman was going to disappoint him and make him lash out. He was getting too old to get his hands on an adolescent girl which is what he really wanted. He was bad for my mother but she was the best thing he ever had. Cooking, ironing, cleaning and picking up after him. Catering to his every need. (That man insisted on a hot meal even in 100 degree weather! I still remember her slaving over that stove when my sis and I told her we'd be happy to eat cold salad. "No your father has to have a hot meal.") Even after she died he thought he could do better. Wrong!
He had a room with a land lady so he didn't live in squalor and they treated him like part of the family, bless them. Without them it would have been way worse to clean out his "estate" because he never lifted a finger when it came to housework. Beneath him. Everybody and every job was beneath him. To the very end. He liked being a security guard because it gave him a uniform and a feeling of authority.
In all his journals he beseeched God for a wife. And in all his journals IF he mentioned my mother the comments were cold, dismissive and full of misdirected blame. I felt a lot of guilt when my mother died but none when he went. I did feel sorrow when he died (not knowing about narcissism, like I do now). But no guilt. He made his bed. I'm glad now, looking back, that at the end he got to experience some of the powerlessness he inflicted on others who crossed his path. His pain spanned a much shorter time frame than most of his victims. He got off easy.”June 28, 2017SOURCES: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-happens-when-narcissists-get-old/https://www.balancepsychologies.com/post/2018/03/26/the-fate-of-narcissism-in-old-age
For the narcissist, this is completely unacceptable. Most narcissists rely heavily on their cognitive abilities as a way of constantly demonstrating superiority over others in performance, influence, power, beauty, or money. Any sign that is is deteriorating or diminishing is out of the question, something that cannot and will not be tolerated. This is when the narcissist is most at risk for suicidal behavior.
There are seven stages to the progression of dementia as listed below. However, how a narcissist responds to each stage is very different from other patients. This is because the narcissism is like a web inside their brain effecting more than one area.
Mid-Stage:
Moderately Severe Cognitive Decline. The memory deficiencies become significant as even common tasks such as cooking, dressing, or grooming require some sort of assistance. Some narcissists can weather this stage well if they have a caretaker who is willing to pamper them and tolerate their aggravation. But others slip rapidly into a depressive state which adds to the frustration. They may not remember major life events or people any longer. However, what the narcissist values is definitely revealed at this stage. If work over family was important, they won't remember family vacations but can still remember a major deal they negotiated.