Shortly after he hoovers me back in, he always claims he's leaving again due to something being horribly wrong with me and my behavior. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

During one of his discards he sent a goodbye text in which he was kind enough to inform me he'd met someone at work that day who was "sweet and beautiful with no baggage." 

That vindictive little boy wanted me to know he was getting an 'upgrade' because I was holding him back. 😂
 

Cough. Mhmm. Sure buddy. I guess that undeserved pride of yours cannot handle the truth. You never deserved a second of my time.
 

Project your unworthiness onto me, but it won't alter that disgusting sort of person you're choosing to be in reality.
 

• I have cPTSD, which I responsibly treat with medication and therapy.
   
  

• I like to talk a lot. AND love to listen while having meaningful conversations. Which I don't need to constantly have. But when you are getting to know someone, couples need to speak to one another. He would have plenty to say when it came to tearing me down, or sex, or about his anger and disapproval over anything I needed, or him sharing BIG lies about game-changing revelations he‘d have about how he was going to start treating me better (those lengthy monologues/ speeches that he'd drop just in time to keep me hopeful about our relationship)
   

• I expect a partner to want me, care about my well-being, desire to make me feel good, and not intentionally harm me.
   

• I don't expect to be the center of the universe, but I expect to be a priority to someone I prioritize and who claims to love me. (Someone to care about how my day went, or at least how my week is going, what I want, what I think, and what I feel.)I don't need gifts, fancy and cheesy romantic gestures, or all of someone's time, but I want to be wanted and missed by my partner within reason.
   

• I want someone to want to kiss me, hold me, and to simply be near me sometimes. More than once or twice a month.
   

• I don't want to be called degrading names or randomly accused of  horrible things I'd never do. It hurts.
   

• I can't handle total hypocrisy or being completely ignored for days. 
   

• I'm crushed by complete inconsideration, hate, and abrupt abandonment-which is something he's known about me since day one.
   

• That's it. I require honesty, kindness, and mutual respect.

He told me to look in the mirror to fix my own shit. K. Here I go-
 

In the relationship I NEVER lied, attacked, ignored, called names, accused or acted selfishly and abusively.
 
I attempted to speak to him about things he did that hurt me and that I didn't understand- which he said was me being bad to HIM. You know what things I tried to talk to him about? That complaining I did? It was always about his abusive behaviors. ALWAYS.

Let's see how bad and high maintenance I was while I look at 'my own shit’—

Things I Spoke Up About:

(I always got in trouble for doing it)

• Being called clueless

• When he called things that mattered to me dramatic bullshit.

• Being told to "F*cking Stop it Erinn!!" When he'd accuse me of being manipulative for sharing with him that I was hurting or sick.

• Being told that I was  "LYING!!" When I explain myself-even though I had done nothing wrong that I should've had to explain. And I DON'T LIE. I proved I wasn't lying with screenshots from my sister-and he ignored it and attacked me using a different aspect of my character to scrutinize.
   

• Him not showing up for a date and then refusing to answer his phone.
   

• Him disappearing in the middle of a text discussion/fight after he know I am really upset, hurt.(because he made it a fight) 
   

• Him acting like we had was the love/connection of the ages and he was SO excited and glad he met me, that he just couldn't wait to spend time with me and get closer to me- AND THEN AS SOON AS HE GETS ME HE ASKS NOTHING AND SEEMS DISINTERESTED, NEVER TALKS TO ME, ACTS GUARDED, CRUEL, UNIMPRESSED AND DISAPPROVING  AND ATTACKS EVERY SINGLE THING I DO OR SAY.
   

• Being told 'It's not all about you!'  Once he did it while I was apologizing for being upset over something bad HE HAD DONE.  The nerve of this selfish bastard to tell me "It's not always about you!" No babe, it sure isn't, because it is always about you! You malicious, narcissistic brat!
   

• Him not speaking to me much EVER
   

• Him abruptly cutting off all contact without warning and often following a very romantic date. Then him acting like I was crazy when I let him know I was concerned and lonely days into no contact.
   

• Being told the things I say just push his buttons and make everything worse

• That he was always too busy for me and what I wanted, but made time when he wanted to talk about sex or get pictures--THEN FUSSED AT ME FOR SENDING THEM
   

• Him getting angry when I needed something or wanted to rely on him.

So basically I spoke up when he hurt my feelings, I felt something was off with the way he ignored me, neglected me, insulted me, accused me and told me random hateful things he thought about me.. HOW DARE I!? 

D.B. You trying to tell me off and saying I was the selfish, crazy, damaging one is just a bitch move on your part and you projecting the fact that you suck onto me. I may be weird and reactive to your hideous abuse and my triggered PTSD you cause too.

I also have character flaws like everyone else-but YOU ARE THE TOXIC ONE YOU ARE ABUSIVE AND YOU WERE ALWAYS THE PROBLEM AND ALWAYS WILL BE WITH ANYONE..You will dim anyone you get close to- we both know what you are...and it isn't anything stable or good.

I am not unintelligent, and even your abusive, narcissistic, in denial-self knows it..you know a lot of good things about me..and you HATE IT ALL, because we are opposites. I make you look bad-so you hate me. OR I got too difficult to push around and keep blind. Either way, I make you look bad-because YOU ARE-and that is NOT my fault. You choose to be a bad person-so hating me because I am good is just ..it is a disordered way of thinking..but hey..guess that makes sense with the obvious personality disorders you have and let go untreated because your pride and destroying people gets you off more than living a genuine and good life. Oh snap! . Get help, or disappear.

You are going to have a hard, empty life if you stay on your father's path sir..and so far..you are just as bad- physical abuse or not(I believe you would've gotten to that point...I didn't buy it when you said you've never been physically abusive. I didn't buy it at all. I saw your face after you struck my car on your birthday. You are highly unstable and volatile. You don't control your anger, if you did you would be able to treat people right and wouldn't have put me through hell with your abuse you deem less serious because it wasn't physical-yet. PLEASE!!..all abuse is abuse and it horrific and traumatizing. Stop trying to act like you are better because you never hit me. 

YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN A MAN WHO BEATS HIS WIFE. I DATED A PHYSICALLY VIOLENT ABUSER A DECADE AGO, AND EVEN HE IS A FAR BETTER MAN THAN YOU ARE.. YOU ARE JUST AS BAD AND JUST AS DAMAGING AS MEN WHO LEAVE BRUISES AND BREAK BONES. Anyone can read can educate themselves on why ABUSE IS ABUSE.

Violating my emotions and mind was despicable, and you honestly belong in a cage or on a remote island. THERE IS NO BETTER VERSION OF ABUSER-WELL, OTHER THAN ONE WHO ACTUALLY GETS HELP. You all suck- You suck. Abusing your girlfriend is pathetic. So the fact that you called me pathetic is a joke. You bully girls...women you claim you want to mother your children. What does that make you? Not better than them- that's for sure. It's pitiful.

Go back to Texas, and stay away from people. It would be better for them. If you ever manage to genuinely care about another person's wellbeing, do them a favor and LEAVE THEM ALONE. And if you ever have a child, definitely leave them alone too! No kid deserves to be raised by a man like you. You would ruin a child. You have no love to give and no guidance to provide-you can't even guide yourself. If you do have enough heart to not want to destroy a child, get a vasectomy before you create another YOU.

Remember your childhood, your abusive, crazy dad? (if all you said about your upbringing wasn’t fabricated too!) You'd be just as bad, if not worse to your child because YOU ARE POISON. 

You are hate in human form.

You are darkness and all the worst parts of humanity put into one being. 

You told me you like making people feel bad. That's called being sadistic, and it is not a good thing. You are ruining your life and blaming everyone else and the world for your misery. 

You are miserable because you are ill, not because everyone is wrong and needing to be pushed around by you!

You are not winning. Look at your life. You have nothing. And if you don't get help, that is all your life will ever be. Empty, negative, destructive, and miserable.
 

Get help. You Suck lol. I don't like you, but I do love you. I wish you could care about others, because I still worry for you.  Byeeeee,  ya jackal.

His inability to compliment my talents or strengths to build ME up instead of himself. 

Things He Did for Me—

NOTHING, 

• He texted goodnight or good morning doll a couple of times a week most weeks.. maybe an occasional sentence or two..(Sometimes he texted even more if I texted trying to have a conversation, because then he'd have to tell me why that was wrong of me and how difficult and needy I was.)

• He told me he wanted to be with me when we saw each other in person or over the phone through a speech-(not a two way conversation) after he had lashed out and hurt me.

• He said he was going to do better, that he knew how he wanted to treat me right.

• He asked me how my day went possibly five times total...

• He told me I was always pretty and that he loved my boobs. Yeah, he wasn’t big in compliments or positive feedback..That’s the best I got..other than on the first date in which he praised me.

• He held a conversation  on our first date to get me, and then again each time he came back after a major abusive episode/breakup. I'd get one 'real' conversation per hoover. I'm so lucky..Mostly it was him talking about what HE realized about himself and life and what his new exciting plans to be a better man were. How I had been in the months without him never came up or mattered. If I tried to talk about my own struggles-he'd give me some more damage to struggle with and leave again.

• He had me around his family and those days were fun//but that wasn't really for me..I just enjoyed it. (probably just made him look more normal, and good to have a pretty, normal, kind, and intelligent girl to impress his family with. I'm sure he's trashed my name to them now, he sure isn't going to tell them the truth.)

• He called a grand total of 10 times from the start of our relationship through the 'final' discard on his birthday. (Keep in mind the first 2 months were during the strict phase 1 of COVID quarantine so we definitely weren't seeing each other.)And those calls were not casual, healthy couple chats. We spoke on the phone 2 times before we became a couple, once for 6 hours.

HERE ARE ALL THE CALLS WHILE WE DATED—

x1: to call and talk about a how hot a 19 yr old's hair cut was that he saw because she sent him pics of her by the pool on Snapchat/AKA make a fight and hurt my feelings. That was the first thing he mentioned and we hadn't spoken on the phone in a couple weeks..

x1:  to check on me during finals, and to let me know the 19 year old he said was so sexy had called and he was going to help her and call me back to talk later- HE DIDN'T. 

x1: because he showed up to pick me up, I missed the call and called back but he wouldn't answer. He drove away and  refused to respond to my texts, calls or voicemail for over 2 days afterwards. Then broke up with me for literally 3 minutes via text as soon as we got back in communication because my response to him driving off and ignoring me(his very abusive, damaging behavior) was 'crazy' 

x1: because I asked him to call because he went no communication with me for 6 consecutive days after our first date in 2 months-which happened to be only a couple of days after he broke up with me for 2 minutes over text..AND HE USED THAT CALL TO  tell me he had feelings for another woman, to get over it,and then he broke up with me over text 5 minutes later and blocked me on his phone and our school email where we first communicated.

x1-3: were to calls after several days of unexplained zero contact so he could give me a speech about advice he got and how much better he would do. And how he would stop ghosting and lashing out. SO TO TALK ABOUT HIMSELF-NOT TO ASK HOW I HAD BEEN OR HOW I FELT ABOUT WHAT HE DID.

x 1-2:  less than 5 minute short calls to confirm plans to meet up. 

x 1: And lastly, a call at 6pm after  ignoring me all day on his birthday to tell me how my birthday present pissed him off, ruined his day, that I was clueless, manipulative, and he had suddenly changed his mind from 2 days prior (when he spoke of marriage and wanted to get me pregnant)-so he discarded me and told me he never wanted to speak to me again and that I had done him wrong by crossing a line and not being on the same page at all. Promptly blocked me.

Things I Did for Him:

PUT IN ACTUAL EFFORT. A lot of it.

He was so clever, and took such advantage of my trust and love for him.
 

Horrible, horrible man. And he will live a horrible life because of it.(Say it with me y'all-NNNNNNnnnnn n n n n narcissist-That's not to poke fun-it's to point out in a goofy way the problem that needs fixing. The problem was, and always will be, that he is highly narcissistic. He can't be a good partner or person without it being improved upon-which takes extremely hard work, so he’s likely a complete lost cause)
 

Nothing was ever steady, He was never ok, no matter how much love, support, kindness and patience I provided. 

The most vulnerable of my words were ignored or labeled manipulative insanity. 

My kindest requests were called foolish.
 

My inevitable pleas for mercy, were called pathetic and weak. 

I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't relax or be ok.
 
If I tried to find a way to be alright, it would get so much worse. Because when I expressed my needs, he would enforce that what I was actually doing was being unfair, manipulative and selfish towards him.

I became so tired, nervous, lonely and confused. 

The more I loved him, the more I hated myself.

I couldn't nurture myself, because I thought it was wrong to take care of myself, he told me it was. He said I was making everything worse for him.
  

Some things I didn't do and can't control, like what a man I love decides to do with his own words and body. I didn't make him abuse me. It is not my fault. I am finding a way to start believing that fully, because I know it is true.. I was just so used to viewing him as someone better than who he really is. 

I have many flaws..but being a selfish, bad partner is not one of them. I was a wonderful girlfriend. 

On my absolute worst day I treated him better than he ever treated me on his best. 

Denying never changed who he really was, or how much pain he caused me. So instead of being sad and understanding, which gets me in hot water, I will let myself feel anger and force the excuses for him out of my mind.
 

Empathizing with him pulled me down into his relentlessly damaging realm. That doesn't mean I want him to fail or fall. I don't. I just have A LOT of pent up anger towards how he treated me.. and towards the type of entitled person he is...
 

All abusers are sickeningly entitled.. You have to be in order to think you have the right to treat others like dirt.. as if you matter more. 

Can't anyone help them? Is anyone trying to help them...other than their poor, misguided victims?
 

woman continued, he transitioned slightly and said in regards to victims of abuse, 

"That's something I've never understood. Can't you just leave?"