Breaking Point
HE RETURNED 1 MONTH AFTER THE 'FINAL' DISCARD (his birthday)
I've placed a slideshow before the main writing below. It's a long message I sent him at my lowest point. I still managed to be kinder and make more sense than him while I was in the midst of losing my damn mind.
THE MASSIVE TEXT MESSAGE I SENT AFTER HE GASLIGHTED & STARTED STONEWALLING
(I wrote my long,desperate message after he’d sent messages calling me selfish and then refused to respond or answer his phone)
He had returned one month after the main discard. I was having a legitimate breakdown from his reappearance.
He came back saying he loved me and wanted to get married— yet within two days he was shaming and abandoning me all over again. It was extraordinarily painful. I didn’t know what to do I was losing my mind. I probably actually lost it for several days.
(I wrote my long,desperate message after he’d sent messages calling me selfish and then refused to respond or answer his phone)
You'd think once a partner states they have psychopathic tendencies that the severity of the situation would sink in.. It didn't. The denial was strong. I could NOT accept or fully grasp the situation. It was too much. Being ignored, attacked, and discarded like trash was wrong.
My text(s) were a lot, and not my most graceful self-expression.. I was feeling frustratedly hopeless. I snapped.
I always tried when I should've been running away. I deserved much better. Giving up on people isn't something I do.. but now I have. Having faith in him stole my ability to have faith in anything good.
I can learn to improve my faults while accepting he has no desire to sincerely acknowledge or correct his own
Double-click to enlarge images (1-16)
He never responded, but he did return again for another hoover two months later.
When he came back into my life 8/9/2020 making huge declarations of love 1 month after devastating me on his own birthday..I lost it. I told him how vulnerable I was, how I didn't trust him..Yet, somehow I trusted him enough to try to believe when he said he would work through it with me because he knew he had done wrong by hurting and mistreating me...However, he predictably refused to listen or discuss when I started reaching out less than 48 hours later. I was having something that felt very much like a nervous breakdown due to his cruelty and abrupt reappearance.
He had told me of his undying love for me and determination to make us work, but the very next evening at his mother's house he decided to start contradicting himself. We were on the back porch and he told me his family kept asking if we were getting back together, but that he didn't know what to say because he didn’t want to put pressure on us. I was a little taken aback because he declared he knew EXACTLY what he wanted the night before, and it was me-'us'. I asked what he wanted to say.. He said, "Well, I just don't want to label this, we just happen to be really really attracted to one another. Plus I already know how you feel about friends with benefits..." I got aggravated and sad. I told him, "No, I'm not ok with that bullshit" I asked him if he had already changed his mind. He swore he hadn't changed his mind from before. The night before he had said I love you so many times.. He had talked about a future with us getting married.
We had spoken that night for several hours... And now I was at his mother's house for a family game night feeling hurt and duped already.. Alarm bells were going off the moment he mentioned us "just happening to be really really attracted to one another." As if he hadn't begged for me back less than 24 hours before??.. I recalled how uncomfortable he looked when he was looking for his phone and I grabbed it when I found it, as soon as he saw me pick it up he had said "no-" I wouldn't be surprised if he was worried whoever else he had lied to about being in a relationship with was messaging him. He didn't want me to see that.. How could I trust him when all he’d ever shown me was that I couldn’t?
That makes sense-explains why he wouldn't call me his gf again after declaring his intentions the first night, intentions of being together forever..This way he could lie, but NOT lie at the same time if he got found out. He could twist it if anything came back to bite him in the arse..at least, it would make him look slightly less bad to someone.. He could say we weren't together.. I could now be referenced as the ex who wouldn't leave him alone..just as he told me about one of his exes he was just friends with but who was obsessed with getting him back and wouldn't leave him alone.. I may be totally off, but he’s shocked me too many times and refuses to build the trust back up. Regardless, the point is he was backpedaling already.
The next day when we finally spoke a for few minutes, his voice sounded flat and distant. I asked him if he changed his mind about loving me because of the things he said last night and because he hadn't said 'I love you' since the day he got me back. He said, "No. It's just not something I say a lot, or will say to you every time I see you or say goodnight. Is that a problem??" Yet..just a couple of nights before he couldn't stop saying it. He had asked me and laughed as kissing me if he could say it again and again. I can't even count how many times he had said it that night we got back together, or the joy he seemed to have while doing so.. He had practically seemed giddy! Now he was pulling back, just like he had always done before....
Two days after his reappearance I was struggling with the fact that I wanted to believe him and not believe him simultaneously.
He had told me of his undying love for me and determination to make us work, but the very next evening at his mother's house he decided to start contradicting himself. We were on the back porch and he told me his family kept asking if we were getting back together, but that he didn't know what to say because he didn’t want to put pressure on us. I was a little taken aback because he declared he knew EXACTLY what he wanted the night before, and it was me-'us'. I asked what he wanted to say.. He said, "Well, I just don't want to label this, we just happen to be really really attracted to one another. Plus I already know how you feel about friends with benefits..." I got aggravated and sad. I told him, "No, I'm not ok with that bullshit" I asked him if he had already changed his mind. He swore he hadn't changed his mind from before. The night before he had said I love you so many times.. He had talked about a future with us getting married.
We had spoken that night for several hours... And now I was at his mother's house for a family game night feeling hurt and duped already.. Alarm bells were going off the moment he mentioned us "just happening to be really really attracted to one another." As if he hadn't begged for me back less than 24 hours before??.. I recalled how uncomfortable he looked when he was looking for his phone and I grabbed it when I found it, as soon as he saw me pick it up he had said "no-" I wouldn't be surprised if he was worried whoever else he had lied to about being in a relationship with was messaging him. He didn't want me to see that.. How could I trust him when all he’d ever shown me was that I couldn’t?
That makes sense-explains why he wouldn't call me his gf again after declaring his intentions the first night, intentions of being together forever..This way he could lie, but NOT lie at the same time if he got found out. He could twist it if anything came back to bite him in the arse..at least, it would make him look slightly less bad to someone.. He could say we weren't together.. I could now be referenced as the ex who wouldn't leave him alone..just as he told me about one of his exes he was just friends with but who was obsessed with getting him back and wouldn't leave him alone.. I may be totally off, but he’s shocked me too many times and refuses to build the trust back up. Regardless, the point is he was backpedaling already.
The next day when we finally spoke a for few minutes, his voice sounded flat and distant. I asked him if he changed his mind about loving me because of the things he said last night and because he hadn't said 'I love you' since the day he got me back. He said, "No. It's just not something I say a lot, or will say to you every time I see you or say goodnight. Is that a problem??" Yet..just a couple of nights before he couldn't stop saying it. He had asked me and laughed as kissing me if he could say it again and again. I can't even count how many times he had said it that night we got back together, or the joy he seemed to have while doing so.. He had practically seemed giddy! Now he was pulling back, just like he had always done before....
Two days after his reappearance I was struggling with the fact that I wanted to believe him and not believe him simultaneously.
I was stressed, out of sorts, depressed, scared, confused, and all alone because he had asked me not to tell my family yet.. he had said "Let time heal this, no rush to tell them-they'll just be upset. let me prove it to you first"
Him ignoring me after that intense evening back together triggered memories and feelings of his previous abuse/neglect.
He said he wanted me to talk to him about these things, not to be scared. He said he didn't want me afraid to talk to him anymore, that he cared and would be there. But when I reached out to him (less than 24 hours later) and in need.. Instead of him showing compassion for my pain , he lashed out at me (because he said me needing to talk about it was wronging him.)
Then said he needed to be alone a few days because he was having issues again and was in a terribly bad mood. He said work sucked, his back hurt, and he was angry. "It's probably just not best to try to have an emotional talk with me right now. I'll reach back out in a couple of days." I said I wasn't comfortable with him cutting off contact again, because he had sworn he'd never do that again just two nights before. He used to always ghost me, or find a way to shoot down any subject I wished to discuss. I didn't want to go through that again. I told D.B. our relationship and myself were in a fragile state.
I WAS DONE. I KNEW. MY MIND FELT FULLY DISORIENTED. MY HEAD WAS DIZZY. MY CHEST HURT. MY STOMACH WAS BURNING. I KNEW HE WAS EXACTLY WHO I WAS FIGHTING SO HARD TO DENY HE WAS. I WAS DESPERATELY SLIPPING IN AND OUT OF A STATES OF DENIAL AND HOPELESSNESS. IT WAS TERRIBLE. I had told this man that I had been single for seven years out of fear of being abused again, that I hadn't so much as kissed or dated anyone since before my seven year old son was born. He KNEW I had c-PTSD due to psychological and physical abuse from many years ago.. HE KNEW, and suddenly I knew he was an abuser too, but the worst one yet.. He was a master of his words, and had the terrifying ability to make me (and many others) believe anything he said. I trusted him, loved him, placed hope in what he said we had and would have together. I let him near me. I shared everything with him, and somehow managed to push all of myself aside to care for him in the ways he demanded.
Yet, I didn't truly realize what was going on throughout the entire relationship. I knew I was always hurting, that something wasn't right.
I excused everything because he made sure I knew of his traumatic past, his severe combat-PTSD being triggered by a truly awful recent family tragedy, then multiple other tragedies he claimed occurred within the first two months of our relationship (death of another family member & death of a fellow marine), his stress over a family member he said was struggling at home, his occasionally irritated back pain due to the shrapnel lodged from explosions in war... I excused his behavior because of all of this, and because he kept showing me glimpses of hope and improvement. He told me he usually wasn't like this, and that it was just an uncharacteristically bad time for him recently. He said we just happened to run each other at a really bad time in his life, but that he was so glad we did. He said he appreciated my patience, and he knew we'd get through this. He wanted to get through this —together.
Then said he needed to be alone a few days because he was having issues again and was in a terribly bad mood. He said work sucked, his back hurt, and he was angry. "It's probably just not best to try to have an emotional talk with me right now. I'll reach back out in a couple of days." I said I wasn't comfortable with him cutting off contact again, because he had sworn he'd never do that again just two nights before. He used to always ghost me, or find a way to shoot down any subject I wished to discuss. I didn't want to go through that again. I told D.B. our relationship and myself were in a fragile state.
I raised my voice at him for the first time ever because he was treating me like shit ALREADY -again- while speaking on the phone.. I said "You're not going to talk to me for days? Right after I tell you I need your help, and right after you swore you wouldn't do this sort of thing ever again to prove you care!??" He yelled, "This is EXACTLY what I was trying to avoid! and now you're saying I don't care about you! Great Erinn! That's exactly what I needed right now!!!" Then he hung up.
I was losing my mind..but I was almost starting to grasp why it was happening. How him ignoring me was making me think of how it used to always be, and all of the pain and anxiety came flooding back.. He swore it was going to be different. Yet, I was feeling the exact same hurt as I did in the past..
I was losing my mind..but I was almost starting to grasp why it was happening. How him ignoring me was making me think of how it used to always be, and all of the pain and anxiety came flooding back.. He swore it was going to be different. Yet, I was feeling the exact same hurt as I did in the past..
It had only been a couple of days since he came crashing back into my life assuring me he cared and that he wouldn't do the same things he'd done before. I was terrified that I was right, or that I was wrong about thinking I was right! It was madness. I felt like I was about to have a panic attack when I started to realize that I fell for his false promises again, even though I had just said I didn't believe them. I began to think I didn't know what anything was anymore.
I couldn't comprehend why I let him back into my life when I KNEW BETTER, and had sworn I'd never do such a thing again! I was lost. I was so accustom to him alleviating my pain with his kindness & "love"( I failed to realize my pain was always due to his psychological & verbal abuse.) Hot and cold, push then pull.. I was addicted to how he made me feel when he acted like the man he pretended to be when he initially lured me in. I was in love with the illusion he managed to embed so deeply, powerfully in my mind that it made me forget everything awful he was doing, or ever did.
I couldn't comprehend why I let him back into my life when I KNEW BETTER, and had sworn I'd never do such a thing again! I was lost. I was so accustom to him alleviating my pain with his kindness & "love"( I failed to realize my pain was always due to his psychological & verbal abuse.) Hot and cold, push then pull.. I was addicted to how he made me feel when he acted like the man he pretended to be when he initially lured me in. I was in love with the illusion he managed to embed so deeply, powerfully in my mind that it made me forget everything awful he was doing, or ever did.
He could explain anything away with ease and confidence! He was in charge of my perception of "us", of him, and of myself..
How did it happen!? I didn't understand. I thought I was going completely insane..which made me literally inch closer to true temporary insanity. I was starting to get extremely, incessantly confused and depressed.
He had hung up on me and wouldn't answer the phone. So I snapped and started messaging him my hurt, scared, worried feelings -still no anger at this point from me via text- When I tried to call once more, he answered. His voice sounded calm as he informed me he had some Co. agent on the other line because lightning struck his mum's house, and that he'd have to call back. I sent one more text after that, apologizing for panicking and acting out. After all, I was impressed he hadn't ignored my call for the first time ever, and that he sounded polite! I blamed myself, as usual. I must have freaked out for no reason.
He had hung up on me and wouldn't answer the phone. So I snapped and started messaging him my hurt, scared, worried feelings -still no anger at this point from me via text- When I tried to call once more, he answered. His voice sounded calm as he informed me he had some Co. agent on the other line because lightning struck his mum's house, and that he'd have to call back. I sent one more text after that, apologizing for panicking and acting out. After all, I was impressed he hadn't ignored my call for the first time ever, and that he sounded polite! I blamed myself, as usual. I must have freaked out for no reason.
I tried to calm down and rationalize reasons I was feeling the way I did. He eventually responded (the image above) ..and that's when I knew. Or thought I knew..
My mind kept cycling over and over because I couldn't trust my own thoughts anymore... I knew I was in that mess of a state because I had been weak enough to allow him back into my life after all the suffering he'd already inflicted; it was all my fault. The self-loathing commenced.
I realized, once again, that I had been correct to fear nothing was real while he tried desperately to convince me that it was. I still responded calmly to his harsh text. "Alright. I'm not trying to hammer you, and I'm not selfish." His response.."You are being very selfish right now. Just give me some fucking time please!"
I realized, once again, that I had been correct to fear nothing was real while he tried desperately to convince me that it was. I still responded calmly to his harsh text. "Alright. I'm not trying to hammer you, and I'm not selfish." His response.."You are being very selfish right now. Just give me some fucking time please!"
His responses earlier that day when I tried to express myself, in contrast, had been calm-but patronizing. He acted as if I were overreacting and had no legitimate reason to have concerns, doubts, and pain.
He calmly messaged me acting as if he was having to settle me down, or like I had been accusing him of attacking me. I never said what I wanted to talk about was due to me being attacked by him. It made no sense...
I had every right in the world to feel the way I did...and to want the things I wanted. After everything that had happened in our relationship, everything he knew about my past prior. I just wanted to communicate with him, to have a conversation. He was NOT okay with that. I wanted him to care that I was asking for his help, all I needed to help me were some kind reassuring words.
Two days after declaring his undying love, and begging for me to forgive how badly he had hurt and mistreated me. Just Two days after saying he'd NEVER ever stop fighting to prove himself to me and correct his wrongs. So many pretty words..I had told him he always said the most amazing things when he was sorry, but that his actions never matched up with his words.. He said he understood, and that he would be able to prove his sincerity and commitment to "us" over time. Just a mere Two days since he told me he wanted get counseling, speak to me more, express his care better, stop being so cruel. Two days since I let my heart open up again despite logic. Two days since my logic became complete nonsense as my mind quickly reverted directly back into the state it was before he left my life a month prior. I was sucked right. back. in.
Two days after declaring his undying love, and begging for me to forgive how badly he had hurt and mistreated me. Just Two days after saying he'd NEVER ever stop fighting to prove himself to me and correct his wrongs. So many pretty words..I had told him he always said the most amazing things when he was sorry, but that his actions never matched up with his words.. He said he understood, and that he would be able to prove his sincerity and commitment to "us" over time. Just a mere Two days since he told me he wanted get counseling, speak to me more, express his care better, stop being so cruel. Two days since I let my heart open up again despite logic. Two days since my logic became complete nonsense as my mind quickly reverted directly back into the state it was before he left my life a month prior. I was sucked right. back. in.
and I knew, as usual, it was all my fault for ever being open to loving him in the first place. So much hurt. I accepted him and forgave him after everything, yet he was already incapable of treating me like I mattered..or even pretending that I did. He couldn't even acknowledge what I tried to tell him, or what I needed. I just needed him to care, and to speak to me.
He didn't want to hear me, he didn't care or address anything I said was crucial in that moment. He was harsh and lashed out ALREADY! Two days..just two days in. He was already showing me he was exactly who I accused him of being a few nights before. He was showing me it was still all a selfish game to him. That I truly meant nothing.
I WAS DONE. I KNEW. MY MIND FELT FULLY DISORIENTED. MY HEAD WAS DIZZY. MY CHEST HURT. MY STOMACH WAS BURNING. I KNEW HE WAS EXACTLY WHO I WAS FIGHTING SO HARD TO DENY HE WAS. I WAS DESPERATELY SLIPPING IN AND OUT OF A STATES OF DENIAL AND HOPELESSNESS. IT WAS TERRIBLE. I had told this man that I had been single for seven years out of fear of being abused again, that I hadn't so much as kissed or dated anyone since before my seven year old son was born. He KNEW I had c-PTSD due to psychological and physical abuse from many years ago.. HE KNEW, and suddenly I knew he was an abuser too, but the worst one yet.. He was a master of his words, and had the terrifying ability to make me (and many others) believe anything he said. I trusted him, loved him, placed hope in what he said we had and would have together. I let him near me. I shared everything with him, and somehow managed to push all of myself aside to care for him in the ways he demanded.
Yet, I didn't truly realize what was going on throughout the entire relationship. I knew I was always hurting, that something wasn't right.
I excused everything because he made sure I knew of his traumatic past, his severe combat-PTSD being triggered by a truly awful recent family tragedy, then multiple other tragedies he claimed occurred within the first two months of our relationship (death of another family member & death of a fellow marine), his stress over a family member he said was struggling at home, his occasionally irritated back pain due to the shrapnel lodged from explosions in war... I excused his behavior because of all of this, and because he kept showing me glimpses of hope and improvement. He told me he usually wasn't like this, and that it was just an uncharacteristically bad time for him recently. He said we just happened to run each other at a really bad time in his life, but that he was so glad we did. He said he appreciated my patience, and he knew we'd get through this. He wanted to get through this —together.
He kept saying he just wasn't himself due to his PTSD, but that he was getting better and recognized his own error. He said he was sorry for making things so difficult, but he swore it wouldn't stay that way. He said he knew he couldn't lash out at me anymore, that he couldn't keep taking out all of his anger on me. He said he was done being angry at the world because of his father. That when he was angry, he would no longer let it control other aspects of his life-especially with me.
In my mind ..something felt so familiar. The familiarity made me too comfortable. I had only ever been in two relationships before D.B. , both were with abusive.. I felt comfortable with him because he was also being abusive towards me and THAT was familiar.
He knew what his actions would do to me.. He knew since the very beginning all that I had been through, how determined I had been to protect my heart for all of these years.. and he.didn't.care.
My mental breakdown down became a full nervous breakdown. I sent him darn near 100 texts within 72 hours. I don't regret it. It helped me a great deal with processing and detoxing from his poison. The toxicity from his actions and our "relationship" were detrimental to my mental health and overall well-being.
I'm going to be happy and stable again, but it will take time to heal from the old scars he tore wide open, and the new horrific wounds he inflicted all on his own. I will be just fine, but what he did to me never will be.
Why Did I Let Him Back In!??
He called and spent over two hours convincing me that he cared. He had such big plans for everything..He had amazing new beautiful revelations; like the fact that he "loved" me, and knew he had treated me terribly.
I swore that I would never be near him again.
The amount of self-loathing I experienced for not being able to resist him after everything he had put me through.
Before he entered my life I was confidently aware that I deserved to be treated well.
Before this man sunk his fangs in I was positive that I was worthy of respect and kindness..
Before him I was absolutely certain I'd never fall so low again.
I swore I'd never let another man make me feel worthless. I swore I'd rather be alone forever than experience that torment again. BUT I DID EXPERIENCE IT AGAIN, possibly worse because it was all a lie and the hopes he built up within me were so deeply rooted in my fulfillment. A fulfillment I never thought I’d have was suddenly being presented to me..
But he was lying. They were just words, because he didn’t have the integrity to avoid speaking constant falsehoods.
But he was lying. They were just words, because he didn’t have the integrity to avoid speaking constant falsehoods.
I believed in him, but words that should have carried weight were empty.
I don't know how it happened. I'm going to find a way to make sure it never happens again. I was vulnerable. I was/ am attracted to the wrong type of men, and apparently I attract them too.
Regardless of my need for reflection and self- improvement, I NEVER deserved to be betrayed and degraded the way I was by D.B. I forgive him for what he'll never care about or admit that he did.