Gaslighting
It's a complex and multi-faceted means of manipulation, and one in which bases itself around five primary techniques: withholding, countering, blocking, trivializing and denial. The victim is destroyed by insecurity and made completely unsure of themselves.
When you speak up about an issue, or something that troubles you, the narcissist will deny it, minimize it and then react with anger and indignation of their own. It causes the victim to question their own emotions, desires and sanity.
"Invalidation is crazy-making, and it is also at the root of gaslighting, where victims' feelings are purposely denied or manipulated in order to make them question their sanity." -Samantha Rodman
Gaslighting
Sections:
- Stages of Gaslighting
- Signs & Effects of Gaslighting
- Bait & Switch
- 7 Common Gaslighting Phrases
- Stonewalling Begets Gaslighting
- Coping With Gaslighting
- Is Gaslighting Always Intentional? (4 Levels)
Stages of Gaslighting
In its milder forms, gaslighting creates a subtle, but inequitable, power dynamic in a relationship, with the gaslightee subjected to the gaslighter's unreasonable, rather than fact-based, scrutiny, judgment, or micro-aggression. At its worst, pathological gaslighting constitutes a severe form of mind-control and psychological abuse
1. LIE & EXAGGERATE
2. REPETITION
3. ESCALATE WHEN CHALLENGED
When called on their lies, the gaslighter escalates the dispute by doubling and tripling down on their attacks, refuting substantive evidence with denial, blame, and more false claims (misdirection), sowing doubt and confusion.
4. WEAR OUT THE VICTIM
5. FORM CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS
The Oxford Dictionary defines codependency as "excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner.”In a gaslighting relationship, the gaslighter elicits constant insecurity and anxiety in the gaslightee, thereby pulling the gaslightee by the strings.
The gaslighter has the power to grant acceptance, approval, respect, safety, and security. The gaslighter also has the power (and often threatens to) take them away. A codependent relationship is formed based on fear, vulnerability, and marginalization.
6. GIVE FALSE HOPE
7. DOMINATE & CONTROL
At its extreme, the ultimate objective of a pathological gaslighter is to control, dominate, and take advantage of another individual, or a group, or even an entire society.
By maintaining and intensifying an incessant stream of lies and coercions, the gaslighter keeps the gaslightees in a constant state of insecurity, doubt, and fear. The gaslighter can then exploit their victims at will, for the augmentation of their power and personal gain.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201704/7-stages-gaslighting-in-relationship
Signs & Effects of Gaslighting
Navigating the expectations and disagreements associated with meaningful relationships always presents varying levels of challenges. You’re always going to disagree on some things, and feelings may sometimes get hurt.
But not all people resolve disagreements in a healthy way, or even at all, and the consequences can be crippling.
Whether the gaslighter's insults drip off the abuser's tongue like honey or callously and overtly attack the victim's character (or mental health) depends on both the abuser's style of bringing their victim under control and the effectiveness of previous gaslighting attempts.
It is gaslighting when someone:
- Insists you said or did things you know you didn't do.
- Denies or scoffs at your recollection of events.
- Calls you "too sensitive" or "crazy" when you express your needs or concerns.
- Expresses doubts to others about your feelings, behavior, and state of mind.
- Twists or retells events to shift blame to you.*
Common Tactics
- TRIVIALIZING-
This technique refers to an abusive person making the victim's concerns or feelings seem unimportant or irrational. They'll tell them that they are overreacting or that they're too sensitive towards them. This can give the idea that the victim's feelings aren't valid. What Is Emotional Invalidation?
- BOLD LIES-
These people will still tell lies even if you're aware that they are lying to you. This gaslighting method is meant to make you question yourself about the version of what you thought happened.
- DIVERTING-
People who gaslight other people will quickly change the subject to take the attention away from the topic that the person being gaslighted brought up. An abusive person changes the subject, or focuses on the credibility of what someone is saying rather than the content. Some people also call it "blocking." It's also possible for them to twist things.
- WITHHOLDING-
This describes someone who pretends not to understand something, or who refuses to listen.
- COUNTERING-
This tactic involves an abusive person questioning someone's memory of events, even though they have remembered them correctly. They may accuse them of being influenced by other people, like their friends or family members.
- FORGETTING-
This involves an abusive person pretending they have forgotten something, or denying that something happened.
In abusive relationships, gaslighting often occurs gradually. Initially, a person may not seem abusive. But, over time, they may use statements, such as:
- "You are wrong, you never remember things correctly."
- “You are imagining things.”
- “Stop overreacting,” “you are too sensitive.”
- “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
- “I don’t understand, you are just trying to confuse me.”
Lasting Effects of Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of abuse that can negatively impact an individual's sense of self as well as their mental health.
Some issues that may arise after experiencing gaslighting include:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Isolation
- Trauma
- PTSD symptoms
- A negative impact on self-esteem
- Self-doubt
- Rage (towards self or abuser)
- Insecurity
- Obsessive thoughts
- Emotional dysregulation
- Confusion
- Loss of identity
- Mounting helplessness
- Internalized gaslighting
Practicing self-compassion and patience is essential, as the healing process can take time.
The tactics used by a gaslighter are meant to deconstruct the victim's reality and sense of self, so it can take time to rebuild and repair.
While the healing process has no definite timeline, maintaining as little contact as possible with the gaslighter will help to ensure that the journey does not take as long.
Education can help you heal and prepare yourself for the next time you meet someone. Learn more about gaslighting and how gaslighters "love-bomb" you at the beginning of a relationship. They put you on a pedestal, and then they devalue you. Know the red flags of gaslighting for the next time you meet someone.
Gaslighters tend to prey upon people who care about others. That is a beautiful trait you have - there is nothing wrong with you opening your heart to others. Just do it now with an added layer of protection.
Recovering
Victims of gaslighting experience a lot of self-doubt, insecurity, and powerlessness. They may come to doubt their perception of reality causing them to second-guess just about everything.
Feelings of confusion and anxiety are commonplace, as is the need to constantly apologize.
Repeated gaslighting causes deep psychological wounds. We begin to question reality, which shifts all the things in our world that had previously felt safe.
In trauma therapy, this is something that we often see in survivors of Complex PTSD and relational trauma (including intimate partner betrayal and childhood/family trauma).
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201907/rebuilding-after-gaslighting-or-narcissistic-relationship
Bait & Switch
INSECURITY
When the narcissist is performing the disappearance act, the instability of their mood, the unreliability of their presence left you feeling alone and insecure.These feelings can connect you to another time in your life where you felt alone and insecure, amplifying your anxiety.
When you mention your feelings or the impact of the narcissist's departure, you are shut down. You're called names, told you are insecure for no reason (as if you suddenly started acting insecure in reaction to nothing).
Then they let you know what a bother your feelings are; which further increases your sense of insecurity.
Even though they blame and shame you, this isn't an internal insecurity, it is insecurity about the reliability of this relationship and the narcissist.
INTIMIDATED
When narcissists ask for your opinion, they do it to engage in battle rather than engage in conversation, they can be downright intimidating.
They coax you into the water, only to find that you're having your toe bit off by a piranha. You start to realize that the narcissist doesn't ask for your opinion to really HEAR it, they elicit any kind of input from you to do two things: CONTROL AND BELITTLE YOU.
This reaction serves to teach you that in the future - your input will not be valued nor required. Just sit there and look pretty.
I often told the narcissist that abused me that he treated me like a vase on a shelf. Pretty to look at, well placed and permanently available to him to pick off the shelf whenever he needed something from me. I was not to have a life outside of being that vase that couldn't move.
RESENTMENT
When the narcissist goes back and forth between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, your anger and resentment go through the roof!
How dare he treat you like a subservient object, then waltz back in as if nothing happened, simply because he needs some feel good from you. It's exasperating.
Their pure selfishness and inability to see things from your point of view, is AGGRAVATING!
It's important to get resolve when you've had a misunderstanding with a person. You want them to hear your side of things and understand your needs, so that in the future, this hurt can be avoided.
With a narcissist, it falls on deaf ears, because their ONLY reason for wanting a disagreement to be over, is so their IV drip of honey from your arm, is uninterrupted.
PROVOCATION
How does the narcissist manage to turn on the superficial charm again and again while abusing you simultaneously? And why do we fall for it time and time again?
It’s not because we're foolish, it's because we want to be loved, it feels good to be cared for, to have the love we feel for the narcissist returned to us, its nice to have moments of kindness even if they're short lived.
To suddenly have the narcissist turn on us while we're least expecting it, is a truly unfair and cruel provocation.
POWERLESSNESS
The Devil's advocate tactic is a way of elevating their unique and special form of knowledge on whatever topic they're pontificating about. You feel like you're in a no win situation. If you don't concede, they'll keep you up proving their point.
You just want the madness to stop, so you acquiesce. It just seems easier. Your feelings can resonate back to those of a child, how powerless children are to have any say in matters of importance.
If you learned to subjugate your voice to a narcissistic person in your past, you'll surely do it again in the presence of this narcissist's sheer will to be in control of EVERYTHING; even your opinions.
https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2013/10/05/how-targets-respond-emotionally-to-the-bait-switch
7 Common Gaslighting Phrases
Gaslighting cant take many forms. From questioning status of your mental health to outright challenging your lived experiences.
The most dangerous culprits of gaslighting -Malignant Narcissists, who, by default, use gaslighting as a strategy to undermine the perception of their victims in order to evade accountability for their abuse.
These perpetrators can use gaslighting callously and sadistically because they lack the remorse, empathy, or conscience to have any limits when they terrorize you or covertly provoke you.
Gaslighting by a malignant narcissist is covert murder with clean hands, allowing the perpetrator to get away with their mistreatment while depicting the victims as the abusers.
The phrases listed below are the most commonly used phrases malignant narcissists employ to terrorize and deplete you, translated into what they really mean.
1. You're crazy/ have mental health issues. TRANSLATION:You're not the pathological one here. You're just catching onto who I really am behind the mask and attempting to hold me accountable for my questionable behavior. I'd rather you question your own sanity so you believe that the problem is really you, rather than my own deceptiveness and manipulation. So long as you believe you're the one who needs help, I'll never have to take responsibility for changing my own disordered ways of thinking and behaving.
Malignant narcissists play the smirking doctors to their victims, treating them like unruly patients.
Diagnosing their victims with mental health issues for having emotions is a way to pathologize their victims and undermine their credibility; this is even more effective when abusers are able to provoke reactions in their victims to convince society that they are the ones with mental health problems.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, some abusers will even actively drive their victims to the edge to concoct proof of their instability.
2. You’re just insecure and jealous.
TRANSLATION:I enjoy planting seeds of insecurity and doubt in your mind about your attractiveness, competence, and personality. If you dare to question my numerous flirtations, affairs, and inappropriate interactions, I'll be sure to put you back in your place in fear of losing me. The problem, as I'll convince you, isn't my deceptive behavior. It's your inability to remain confident while I perpetually put you down, compare you in demeaning ways to others, and eventually cast you aside for the next best thing.
Manufacturing love triangles and harems are a narcissist's forte. Creating "an aura of desirability" which stirs a frenzied sense of competition among potential suitors. In abuse survivor communities, this tactic is also known as triangulation. It grants malignant narcissists a depraved sense of power over their victims.
They actively provoke jealousy in their intimate partners in order to control them and paint them as unhinged when they finally react.
When a victim calls out a narcissist's infidelity in any way, it is common for them to label the victims insecure, controlling, and jealous to avoid suspicion and to continue to reap the benefits of multiple sources of attention, praise, and ego strokes.
(Remember: to someone who has something to hide, everything feels like an interrogation. Narcissists will often lash out in narcissistic rage, stonewalling, and excessive defensiveness when confronted with evidence of their betrayals.)
3. You're too sensitive/ You're overreacting.
TRANSLATION: It's not that you're too sensitive, but rather that I am insensitive, callous, and un-empathic. I do not care about your emotions unless they serve me in some way. Your negative reactions provide me stimulation and pleasure, so please, do keep going. I enjoy putting you down for having legitimate reactions to my abuse.
One of the effects of gaslighting include asking yourself "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day. Claiming that victims are overreacting or oversensitive to emotional abuse is a popular way for malignant narcissists to override your certainty about the severity of the abuse you experienced.
Whether or not someone is a sensitive person is irrelevant when it comes to cases of psychological or physical violence. Abuse affects anyone and everyone of varying sensitivity levels, and its impact should not be taken lightly.
A mark of a healthy partner is that they give you the space to feel your emotions and provide emotional validation, even if they do not agree with you.
A malignant narcissist will excessively focus on your so-called sensitivity and consistently claim that you are overreacting rather than own their horrific actions when called out, regardless of how "sensitive" you may be.
4. You need to let it go!/ Why are you bringing this up?TRANSLATION:I haven't given you enough time to even process the last heinous incident of abuse, but you need to let it go already so I can move forward with exploiting you without facing any consequences for my behavior. Let me love-bomb you into thinking that things will be different this time around. Don't bring up my past patterns of abusive behavior, because you'll then recognize that this is a cycle that will just continue.
In any abuse cycle, it's common for an abuser to engage in a hot-and-cold cycle where they periodically throw in crumbs of affection to keep you hooked and to renew hope for a return to the honeymoon phase.
This is a manipulation tactic known as intermittent reinforcement, and it's common for an abuser to terrorize you, only to return the next day and act like nothing has happened.
When you do recall any abusive incidents, an abuser will tell you to "let it go" so they can sustain the cycle. This form of abuse amnesia adds onto your addictive bond to the abuser, also known as "trauma bonding."
5. It was just a joke/ You have no sense of humor.
TRANSLATION: I love disguising my abusive behavior as just jokes. I like calling you names, putting you down, and then claiming you're the one who lacks the sense of humor to appreciate my depraved "wit." Making you feel defective allows me to say and do whatever I wish, all with a smile and a derisive laugh.
Disguising cruel remarks, off-color comments, and put-downs as "just jokes" is a popular verbal abuse tactic. This malicious tactic is very different from playful teasing which takes a certain amount of rapport, trust, and mutual enjoyment.
When malignant narcissists dole out these unsettling "jokes," they can engage in acts of name-calling, taunting, belittling and contempt while evading the responsibility of issuing an apology or owning their vicious verbal assaults.
You are then gaslighted into believing that it is your inability to appreciate the "humor" behind their cruelty, rather than the reality of its abusive intentions. "Just jokes" are also used to test boundaries early on in an abusive relationship; what you may have rationalized as a tone-deaf or off-color comment in the beginning can escalate into psychological violence quite quickly in the hands of a narcissist.
If you find that you have a partner who laughs at you more than they laugh with you, run. It will not get better.
6. You're the problem here, not me.
TRANSLATION: I am the problem here, but I'll be damned if I let you know it! I'd rather subject you to personal attacks as you bend over backwards trying to hit constantly moving goalposts and arbitrary expectations of the way I think you should feel and behave. As you spend most of your time trying to fix your fabricated flaws while always coming up short of what I deem "worthy," I can just sit back, relax, and continue to mistreat you the way I feel entitled to. You won't have any energy left to call me out.
It's common for abusive partners to engage in malignant projection - to even go as far as to call their victims the narcissists and abusers, and to dump their own malignant qualities and behaviors onto their victims.
This is a way for them to gaslight their victims into believing that they are the ones at fault and that their reactions to the abuse, rather than the abuse itself, is the problem.
According to Narcissistic Personality clinical expert Dr. Martinez-Lewi, these projections tend to be psychologically abusive. As she writes, "The narcissist is never wrong. He {or she} automatically blames others when anything goes awry. It is very stressful to be the recipient of narcissistic projections.
The sheer force of the narcissist's accusations and recriminations is stunning and disorienting."
7. I never said or did that/ You're imagining things.
TRANSLATION: Making you question what I did or said allows me to cast doubt on your perceptions and memories of the abuse you've experienced. If I make you think that you're imagining things, you'll start to wonder if you're going crazy, rather than pinpointing the evidence which proves I am an abuser.
Many victims of chronic gaslighting struggle with the cognitive dissonance. Much like reasonable doubt can sway a jury, even the hint that something may not have happened after all can be powerful enough to override someone's perceptions.
When falsehoods are repeated, they are more likely to be internalized as true simply due to the effects of repetition.
That is why continual denial and minimization can be so effective in convincing victims of gaslighting that they are indeed imagining things or suffering from memory loss, rather than standing firm in their beliefs and experiences.
Malignant narcissists play the smirking doctors to their victims, treating them like unruly patients.
Diagnosing their victims with mental health issues for having emotions is a way to pathologize their victims and undermine their credibility; this is even more effective when abusers are able to provoke reactions in their victims to convince society that they are the ones with mental health problems.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, some abusers will even actively drive their victims to the edge to concoct proof of their instability.
2. You’re just insecure and jealous.
TRANSLATION:I enjoy planting seeds of insecurity and doubt in your mind about your attractiveness, competence, and personality. If you dare to question my numerous flirtations, affairs, and inappropriate interactions, I'll be sure to put you back in your place in fear of losing me. The problem, as I'll convince you, isn't my deceptive behavior. It's your inability to remain confident while I perpetually put you down, compare you in demeaning ways to others, and eventually cast you aside for the next best thing.
Manufacturing love triangles and harems are a narcissist's forte. Creating "an aura of desirability" which stirs a frenzied sense of competition among potential suitors. In abuse survivor communities, this tactic is also known as triangulation. It grants malignant narcissists a depraved sense of power over their victims.
They actively provoke jealousy in their intimate partners in order to control them and paint them as unhinged when they finally react.
When a victim calls out a narcissist's infidelity in any way, it is common for them to label the victims insecure, controlling, and jealous to avoid suspicion and to continue to reap the benefits of multiple sources of attention, praise, and ego strokes.
(Remember: to someone who has something to hide, everything feels like an interrogation. Narcissists will often lash out in narcissistic rage, stonewalling, and excessive defensiveness when confronted with evidence of their betrayals.)
Manufacturing love triangles and harems are a narcissist's forte. Creating "an aura of desirability" which stirs a frenzied sense of competition among potential suitors. In abuse survivor communities, this tactic is also known as triangulation. It grants malignant narcissists a depraved sense of power over their victims.
They actively provoke jealousy in their intimate partners in order to control them and paint them as unhinged when they finally react.
When a victim calls out a narcissist's infidelity in any way, it is common for them to label the victims insecure, controlling, and jealous to avoid suspicion and to continue to reap the benefits of multiple sources of attention, praise, and ego strokes.
(Remember: to someone who has something to hide, everything feels like an interrogation. Narcissists will often lash out in narcissistic rage, stonewalling, and excessive defensiveness when confronted with evidence of their betrayals.)
One of the effects of gaslighting include asking yourself "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day. Claiming that victims are overreacting or oversensitive to emotional abuse is a popular way for malignant narcissists to override your certainty about the severity of the abuse you experienced.
Whether or not someone is a sensitive person is irrelevant when it comes to cases of psychological or physical violence. Abuse affects anyone and everyone of varying sensitivity levels, and its impact should not be taken lightly.
A mark of a healthy partner is that they give you the space to feel your emotions and provide emotional validation, even if they do not agree with you.
A malignant narcissist will excessively focus on your so-called sensitivity and consistently claim that you are overreacting rather than own their horrific actions when called out, regardless of how "sensitive" you may be.
In any abuse cycle, it's common for an abuser to engage in a hot-and-cold cycle where they periodically throw in crumbs of affection to keep you hooked and to renew hope for a return to the honeymoon phase.
This is a manipulation tactic known as intermittent reinforcement, and it's common for an abuser to terrorize you, only to return the next day and act like nothing has happened.
When you do recall any abusive incidents, an abuser will tell you to "let it go" so they can sustain the cycle. This form of abuse amnesia adds onto your addictive bond to the abuser, also known as "trauma bonding."
Disguising cruel remarks, off-color comments, and put-downs as "just jokes" is a popular verbal abuse tactic. This malicious tactic is very different from playful teasing which takes a certain amount of rapport, trust, and mutual enjoyment.
When malignant narcissists dole out these unsettling "jokes," they can engage in acts of name-calling, taunting, belittling and contempt while evading the responsibility of issuing an apology or owning their vicious verbal assaults.
You are then gaslighted into believing that it is your inability to appreciate the "humor" behind their cruelty, rather than the reality of its abusive intentions. "Just jokes" are also used to test boundaries early on in an abusive relationship; what you may have rationalized as a tone-deaf or off-color comment in the beginning can escalate into psychological violence quite quickly in the hands of a narcissist.
If you find that you have a partner who laughs at you more than they laugh with you, run. It will not get better.
It's common for abusive partners to engage in malignant projection - to even go as far as to call their victims the narcissists and abusers, and to dump their own malignant qualities and behaviors onto their victims.
This is a way for them to gaslight their victims into believing that they are the ones at fault and that their reactions to the abuse, rather than the abuse itself, is the problem.
According to Narcissistic Personality clinical expert Dr. Martinez-Lewi, these projections tend to be psychologically abusive. As she writes, "The narcissist is never wrong. He {or she} automatically blames others when anything goes awry. It is very stressful to be the recipient of narcissistic projections.
The sheer force of the narcissist's accusations and recriminations is stunning and disorienting."
Many victims of chronic gaslighting struggle with the cognitive dissonance. Much like reasonable doubt can sway a jury, even the hint that something may not have happened after all can be powerful enough to override someone's perceptions.
When falsehoods are repeated, they are more likely to be internalized as true simply due to the effects of repetition.
That is why continual denial and minimization can be so effective in convincing victims of gaslighting that they are indeed imagining things or suffering from memory loss, rather than standing firm in their beliefs and experiences.
In order to resist the effects of gaslighting, you must get in touch with your own reality and prevent yourself from getting entrapped into an endless loop of self-doubt.
Learn to identify the red flags of malignant narcissists and their manipulation tactics so you can get out of disorienting, crazymaking conversations with malignant narcissists before they escalate into wild accusations, projections, blame-shifting and put-downs which will only exacerbate your sense of confusion.
Develop a sense of self-validation and self-trust so you can get in touch with how you really feel about the way someone is treating you, rather than getting stuck attempting to explain yourself to a manipulator with an agenda.
Stonewalling Begets Gaslighting
You're feeling neglected by your partner. So naturally, you want to talk to him about it.
You want to confront him and find out what the problem is. But all you're getting in return is dead silence followed by the statement that you're making a big deal out of it.
He'll convince you that you're making a big fuss out of nothing. His tactic is to gaslight you and make you believe in lies which work in his favor.
This upsets you, and you foolishly fall into his trap and try to explain yourself, but he doesn't want to hear it, so he rejects you.
You feel sad and upset at the same time because you were tricked into thinking that you did something wrong, but you didn't.
But the catch in his brainwashing tactic is the behavior he presents the day after. He acts as if nothing happened.
If you bring up the subject again, he coldly answers that you have problems which you need to deal with yourself.
He disregarded your feelings and redirected the conversation in the direction that suited him.
With his actions, he made you feel tense and traumatized.
In normal relationships, this could have ended on a completely different note. You could have solved the problem if he agreed to talk about it.
Ignoring a narcissist is a very hard thing to do. Their manipulative tactics don't leave you any choice but to react to their provocations.
That is actually their main goal-to get a reaction out of you, preferably a negative one, so they can feed their egos and feel good about themselves.
Stonewalling is their favorite manipulation method when they want to punish you for something.
You haven't been acting the way they wanted you to. Maybe you've come to your senses and sobered up for a moment. That scared them.
They get scared that if you realize you deserve so much better. That threatens to take away their Narcissistic Supply.
You won't give them what they need to keep on going. So, they need to punish you and emotionally destroy you to keep you in your place.
Their purpose is to diminish you and regain their control over you.
They want to make you invisible.
They want you to feel insignificant, as if it doesn't make any difference if you live or die.
They are playing with your mind to get your confidence very low, so you're easily controlled.
What happens next is that you don't want to be invisible. You're fighting it, so you can come back to them and ask for their approval and attention.
You ask to be visible once again.
That was their plan all along-to destroy you by stonewalling and make you beg him to notice you once again. That's when you're easily controlled, and that's when he has restored his peace.
Withdrawing their partner like this is extremely damaging to a relationship.
These types of behaviors are quite harmful. Not only do they demonstrate immaturity, meanness, and a lack of emotional intelligence, but they can have serious consequences for the other person.
Engaging in this behavior is an attempt to control and harass and it doesn't represent anything positive for a relationship.
stonewalling-and-the-silent-treatment-when-the-narcissists-silence-is-deafening/
Coping with Gaslighting
Getting space from your abuser is essential. Be sure to document events as they happened, rather than how your abuser tells you they happened.
Recovery is important to achieve mental clarity. Enlist the help of a third party, such as a trauma-informed therapist, and go through the incidents of abuse together to anchor yourself back to what you've experienced.
There is no need to justify your feelings to a gaslighter, as they will most certainly question and belittle any emotions you have that are not aligned with their own. When they deflect blame away from their own actions, they are proving that they are gaslighting you. The average gaslighter is incapable of remorse and reflection, so even if you explain why they're hurting you, they're unlikely to understand your perspective.
1. Try to Spot the Common Signs of Gaslighting
Gaslighting works best when a victim isn't aware of what's going on. Once you understanding what's happening, you'll be better equipped to prepare to fight back, or at least call the gaslighter out on their behavior, which might throw them off their game, or make them reconsider you as a prime target. If you suspected someone is gaslighting you, educate yourself about what gaslighting is, the tactics a gaslighter uses and ways to handle it. Psychology Today is an excellent resource for articles written by mental health professionals.
2. Compile Proof
Because the main goal of gaslighting is to make you feel like you've lost touch with reality, it's important to keep a record of things as they happen, to return to as proof when you start to doubt your own memory. When it comes to proof, the National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends keeping a journal with dates, times and as many details as possible, in addition to confiding in a trusted family member or friend.
3. Lean on Friends and Family
Though it's often the goal of a gaslighter to isolate you from the people who care about you, having other people to confide in is crucial. In addition to acting as a sounding board, a friend or family member is an unbiased third party who can reality check the situation and remind you that what you're feeling isn't "crazy" or "exaggerated."
4. Prioritize Self-Care
Worrying about gaslighting can creep into pretty much every area of your life, making it tough to enjoy even your favorite people, places or things. Because it takes such a huge toll on your mental health, self-care is paramount. By focusing on yourself, you'll feel more capable of standing up for yourself and dealing with all the challenges life is throwing at you.
5. Seek Professional Help
Some gaslighting situations are easier to leave than others, and romantic relationships are one of the tougher ones. If you suspect there's gaslighting going on in your relationship, seek out the help of a licensed therapist-specifically someone who specializes in relationship therapy-who can help you define what you're going through and help you get past it. Depending on the severity of your situation, you can also call the National Abuse Hotline at
Is Gaslighting Always Intentional?
Four Levels of Gaslighting
- Unconscious Gaslighting
- Awareness Something Is Off
- Intentional-More aware of an Impact-but no Intent to Seriously Harm
- Malicious Intent With Desire to Harm.
Level 1. Unconscious Gaslighting
The person is totally unaware they are engaging in it. In fact, they perceive they are being very reasonable in their interactions because they have no clue about the impact of what they are doing. They might even lack the capacity or willingness to question their own viewpoint in consideration of another's viewpoint. Sometimes it occurs as microaggressions from people who don't know they're doing it. I would imagine most people are guilty of this.
Level 2. An Awareness That Something Is Off
In this case, I believe the gaslighter senses something isn't working but still isn't aware of the impact on the gaslightee. Likely, the gaslighter has had previous experiences similar to this one, has come to feel an uneasiness around the interaction but still firmly trudges on ahead. Why would you change an approach if you think you're right to engage as you have been doing and still don't fully understand why people aren't interested in engaging?
Level 3. Intentional -More Aware Of An Impact-But No Serious Intent To Harm
This is a person who has more awareness than gaslighters #1 and #2. They know what they are doing is harmful, but they would never describe themselves as gaslighting. That's for truly malevolent individuals. They're not trying to hurt someone or drive them crazy, but they are into power struggles and "winning." Here's what it looks like: Stonewalling and minimizing.
Level 4. Malicious Intent With Desire To Harm
This is textbook gaslighting. In Stephanie Sarkis' article, she outlines the warning signs: blatant lies, denial, manipulation, wearing the gaslightee down, mismatching actions and words, aligning others against you, weaponizing confusion, projecting, etc.
- Unconscious Gaslighting
- Awareness Something Is Off
- Intentional-More aware of an Impact-but no Intent to Seriously Harm
- Malicious Intent With Desire to Harm.
Level 1. Unconscious Gaslighting
The person is totally unaware they are engaging in it. In fact, they perceive they are being very reasonable in their interactions because they have no clue about the impact of what they are doing. They might even lack the capacity or willingness to question their own viewpoint in consideration of another's viewpoint. Sometimes it occurs as microaggressions from people who don't know they're doing it. I would imagine most people are guilty of this.
Level 2. An Awareness That Something Is Off
In this case, I believe the gaslighter senses something isn't working but still isn't aware of the impact on the gaslightee. Likely, the gaslighter has had previous experiences similar to this one, has come to feel an uneasiness around the interaction but still firmly trudges on ahead. Why would you change an approach if you think you're right to engage as you have been doing and still don't fully understand why people aren't interested in engaging?
Level 3. Intentional -More Aware Of An Impact-But No Serious Intent To Harm
This is a person who has more awareness than gaslighters #1 and #2. They know what they are doing is harmful, but they would never describe themselves as gaslighting. That's for truly malevolent individuals. They're not trying to hurt someone or drive them crazy, but they are into power struggles and "winning." Here's what it looks like: Stonewalling and minimizing.
Level 4. Malicious Intent With Desire To Harm
This is textbook gaslighting. In Stephanie Sarkis' article, she outlines the warning signs: blatant lies, denial, manipulation, wearing the gaslightee down, mismatching actions and words, aligning others against you, weaponizing confusion, projecting, etc.
The Gaslighters
Some people or entities that gaslight do, in fact, realize they are doing it: It is a strategy they have studied-and their sources may surprise you.
Some gaslighters may have learned it from others-in many cases, their own parents.
In the case of a person who has a personality disorder such as antisocial personality disorder, they are born with an insatiable need to control others and deep-seated anxiety.
Others gaslight in order to feel some sense of control in their own lives by making others depend on them.
Gaslighting can also be part of an authoritarian personality. A person with an authoritarian personality tends to think in absolutes: Things are 100 percent right or 100 percent wrong. When a gaslighter thinks that they are not the problem and everyone else is, this is called having an ego-syntonic personality. It can be very difficult to get ego-syntonic gaslighters into treatment; they believe nothing is wrong with them.
A gaslighting spouse or partner may either refuse to go to therapy, or if they do attend with you, they may tell the therapist that you are the problem. If the therapist recommends that the gaslighter changes a behavior, the gaslighter will label the therapist as incompetent. Even in therapy, a gaslighter may not truly be aware of, or may refuse to acknowledge that their behavior is the problem.
Intimidators
They bully, withhold and guilt-trip.
- Verbal abuse in the form of a joke ("I'm just teasing! Can't you take a joke?).
- Frequent temper tantrums, loud and scary.
- You feel afraid of him.
- He uses your worst fears against you ("You're so stupid!" or "You're just like your mother!").
- He uses silence as a weapon.
- He does not seem to like you at all - he doesn't like your attitudes, beliefs, etc.
- He threatens to leave, take your kids, leave you ruined, gut you like a pig, etc.
Good-Guys
need to appear good and reasonable while getting their own way.
- You can't quite put your finger on "what's wrong" or feel dissatisfied even though he appears to help and support you.
- He works to please you and others yet you feel unsettled and unheard.
- You feel he always gets his way in the end but you can't figure out just how it happened.
- You describe a great relationship to yourself and others but increasingly feel depressed and discouraged about life in general.
Even if a person is practicing gaslighting behavior without being consciously aware of it, they may get a "payoff" when their victim becomes more dependent on them. And then the cycle continues. The gaslighter also gets a "boost" when there are no checks and balances in place-no one holding them accountable for their behavior.
If a gaslighter is not aware of their unhealthy behavior, that does not make it acceptable-it is still pathological, and it is still their responsibility. For gaslighters who have read up on this behavior or were taught it, of course, the same rule applies.
Signs You Might Be Unintentionally Gaslighting Others
- Why were you there?
- What did you do to contribute to this?
When people respond with gaslighting phrases like this, it denies the person's experiences. They feel even more isolated than before and it leads them to question their ability to trust others and share information in the future.
Doubting Others' Lived Experiences
These doubtful statements are subtle and often look like this:
- Are you sure that is what happened?
- He's a nice guy, he would never do something like that.
- You misunderstood, I didn't mean it like that.
- It couldn't have been that bad.
It is difficult to understand someone else's lived experiences. Because you likely have not experienced what they have experienced. Something they've lived through may seem unthinkable to you.
By denying someone's lived experiences, we are denying their truth and denying their psychological safety.
Denying reality puts the blame on the person who is facing the problem.