I waited for over half an hour out in my driveway just in case he had a good reason to rush off..(He ALWAYS had an amazingly good reason when he hurt or ignored me.) in case his phone died, or he only ran to the store, or simply had an emergency at the worst possible time.
Eventually, I realized he was not coming back... I was deeply hurt, confused, desperate for kindness and understanding.
I had previously disclosed my c-PTSD issues and how abrupt abandonment deeply terrified and hurt me..I began to feel consumed by panic. I was thrown into an unforeseen nightmare, when I was expecting the night to be something wonderful.
I had been missing him so badly. I had been incredibly excited about the thought of seeing and touching him again for the first time in months.
I began to cry. I was suddenly caught up in countless negative emotions all at once.
I started pleading with him via text, asking what happened..telling him something like.. “I hope everything is ok. I'm sorry if I'm being selfish, it's just my anxiety issues again..(he had convinced me that if I assumed he’d done something bad It was all in my head-but it wasn’t, he was indeed doing the horrible things I feared.) but I'm scared to think you just left due to impatience. Worried that I wanted to see you far more than you wanted to see me. Please tell me you wanted to see me more than that after telling me how much you missed me over the past two months. Please come back, I'm sorry I took so long and missed your call. I had changed your ringtone and I didn’t hear it right away. I hope you didn't leave out of anger."
It was pitiful, in a heartbreaking way. And it was pitiful that he would do something so cruel to me. I sent a total (including funny one liners at the start) 26 messages by midnight, and attempted to call four times (left 1 Voicemail.)
HE THEN DIDN'T CONTACT ME FOR OVER 48 HOURS.
I sent messages apologizing for making him wait, for my "overreaction", for bothering him and being so needy. I eventually made him a pros & cons list about everything I loved about him and our relationship vs. the complications. I only put my behaviors (which were all reactions to his) placed on the negative side of the chart..
I apologized again for making him feel attacked by "unloading" all of those emotions on him like that..that I should've been more considerate and known it was going to overwhelm him..
HIS RESPONSE:
"All of this has made me question whether or not I even want to be in a relationship now." "I'll be in touch."
He said “I’ll be in touch” a few times throughout the relationship— It was always like a slap to the face.. He might as well have said “You aren’t important enough to deal with right now..maybe later if I have nothing better to do.” Made me feel like I was nothing.
He texted me that evening and said my pros & cons list was sweet. He then explained, "I just can't take you always unloading on me like that and all of the blaming!." At this point, I had not criticized any of his behavior yet.. I'd mention it and explain how it made me feel, and want to discuss/resolve any issues. I never accused him of doing wrong, I only stated exactly what he did, how it hurt, and how I simply wanted to understand what happened so we could work through it-
incidents like:
- refusing to answer the phone, leaving out of the blue,
- joking about cheating on me with a girl 1/2 his age & gushing over her hair & their conversations & how much she wanted him repeatedly,
- talking about how much he loved the way his ex's hair smelled & that she was manipulative & still wants him & was trying to convince him to go over to her place at night,
- how he'd make plans and not show up or even explain why,
- how he'd ask what I wanted to do and say "completely up to you" & literally right after I made a choice he'd say we were doing the other option,
- telling me he wasn't falling for my "manipulative bullshit",
- telling me I was pissing him off and to "f*cking stop with the dramatic bullsh*t to try and make me talk!" because I texted him after being taken to the hospital via ambulance because I had COVID,
No, I didn't do the stereotypical thing and bring all that up at once. I always tried to discuss each incident as it happened in real time, only to be faced with more hurt, his rage, followed by me being "punished" by him refusing to talk to me for days because I had dared to defy him with questions and concerns. That I had the audacity to try to hold a conversation -or beg for one- with him about things that mattered to me.
My emotions had been on such a roller coaster and were finally at the top again earlier that evening (before he drove away). It was a relieving and well-deserved emotional high because he made it seem like everything was about to get back to ‘normal’ again..
Days before the incident, he had been SO angry with me for sending a text when it was still a rough draft. I told him is was an accident and he told me through text in all caps that I was "LYING!!" even after I sent time stamps from a conversation with my sister mentioning sending it on accident before the time he has responded to me at all...I had proof..Even though I didn't understand why I'd need to lie about sending a text in the first place. There was nothing bad about my text, and therefore absolutely no reason I should have felt the need to apologize and explain in the first place..but I did anyway.. because I always had to apologize and tip toe around him. The fact that I had never been ugly to him didn't stop his hateful accusations implying I had poor character.
He ignored me for days after that incident and had then broken up with me for wishing to discuss it-to find out what I did wrong and what WAS wrong...I responded to the abrupt break up with kindness and told him "it isn't what I want, but I respect you and your needs. I'll always care as I promised since day one. Take care," To which, he immediately replied with a changed mind and said "This isn't something I'm happy about, I just can't see any other way right now.”
He agreed to stay in a relationship, if I could take it nice and slow...which made NO sense because he was the one who rushed all of the verbal, emotional, and physical intimacy in the first place!
The very next day after the mini-break up over my “lying” and “crazy” was the last day of finals..He, a 40 yr old man, talked about speaking to the 19-yr old girl again..said she called to get help with finals. He changed the subject and thrilled me when he said he missed me and wanted to set things right. I was thrilled when he said he wanted to get together to go for a walk and see each other again- FINALLY-This was on the very same day that he would later vanish by leaving me confused alone in my driveway without any idea where he'd gone..or why.
Each time, I just wanted to talk about my reaction/hurt feelings and try to understand what went wrong , and what I could do better. I always thought I could do something better to accommodate HIM..but he constantly accused me of selfishness and "pushing blame". All while he managed to escape any responsibility for his poor actions..or as he refers to responsibility- blame. Have mercy!🤦🏻♀️
He could fail to show up for a date, and refuse to ever call or respond to my texts, but he found it absolutely outraging and grounds for abusive punishment (stonewalling/ gaslighting) when I took “too long” to walk outside as he was picking me up for a date!? He never told me he was heading over. He hadn't even given me a specific time to expect him in the first place! And he didn't answer when I called him right back after missing his call. (I had called him right back, because I was going to tell him what I was doing, and that I would be out to meet him in a few minutes.) BUT I was expected to immediately rush outside to meet him when HE happened to choose to show up, on HIS schedule..WHAT THE HELL ABOUT MINE!????!? What about my standards? My needs? My time? What about the major inconveniences he constantly caused me?? What about me??