Hoovering
Sections:
- Intro
- What Is Hoovering
- Why Do Narcissists Hoover?
- 8 Creepy Forms of Hoovering
- Euphoric Recall*
- Ending the Cycle of Abuse
Your heart sinks as you read the text, "I'm not in a great place right now. I need you. Please help."You've cut off all ties and contact with your ex, and you've finally gained some semblance of mental health. But this random text throws you completely off.
As you quickly type the message with shaking fingers "What do you need help with?" and click send, your stomach drops.There is a dark feeling in the pit of your chest. It's the ominous and foreboding feeling you sometimes get before thunderstorms and tragic news.Deep down, you know that you've made the wrong choice.You've just been hoovered.
What is Hoovering?
Hoovering is a dangerously abusive manipulation technique designed to suck you back into cycles of abuse, disrupting your entire life and those around you. Named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, hoovering is basically a way of "sucking" a person back into an abusive relationship.
Hoovering is typically done after a long period of no contact between the victim and the abuser.
In an attempt to regain control over their victims, hoovering abusers will use manipulation tactics that target their victim's soft spots and emotional vulnerabilities.
If they are successful, the hoovering abuser will use their victim until they are bored with them and then discard them once again.
Why Do Narcissists Hoover?
What's the point of hoovering? To regain a sense of control over you. Narcissists begin hoovering when they want something from you such as attention, validation, money or sex.
Like predators, a narcissist knows how to manipulate the weaknesses of those they have preyed on before.
Source: https://themindsjournal.com/signs-victim-abusive-hoovering-narcissist/2/
8 Creepy Forms of Hoovering
Hoovering is a pathological and manipulative form of behavior that is intended to suck you back into another cycle of abuse.
When reading these signs, please be honest about your relationship and ex-partner.
1. Pretending that your relationship isn't over
They will ignore your requests to cut off contact, continue sending you the same messages, will show up at your house, job, etc. They'll continue harassing you as if nothing has changed at all.
2. Sending unsolicited gifts
In an attempt to get you back, they will send you lavish and unexpected gifts such as flowers, cards, tickets to movies and concerts, cakes, you name it.
3. "Apologizing" for their behavior
To try and engage you, the narcissist will appear to "own up" to their mistakes and will feign humility and remorse in an attempt to pull at your heartstrings. Their messages or words will sound very convincing, so be careful.
4. Indirect manipulation
If they can't get through to you directly, they will go a different route: your friends, children or other family members.
For example, they might try to send you messages through your friends or say something slanderous about you to your family which you'll then feel the need to correct. When you've been hooked, you'll be lured into confronting them about their lies.
The narcissist may even try to use your children against you. For instance, if your ex has custody of your children, he/she might put the child on the phone asking you to come back home or get them to write letters to you. This is a powerful and highly manipulative hoovering technique.
5. Declaring love
Declaring undying love is perhaps the most common hoovering technique out there. Because love is such a powerful emotion, narcissists will not hesitate to use it to lure you back into their clutches.
They will say things such as, "You're my soulmate," "We were made for each other," "You're the only person I've ever loved," to tempt you into contact again. Do NOT fall for these tricks.
6. Sending random messages to you and "ghost" phone calls
If you're being hoovered, you'll likely receive random messages from the narcissist asking for and commenting on different things.
Expect text messages such as "Please wish (so-and-so) a happy anniversary from me," "Did you take my (personal item)?" "Are you going to (so-and-so's) dinner tonight?" "I'm standing in the place we first met. Thinking of you," and so forth.
The narcissist may even send you "accidental" messages with the intention of putting a knife in your heart such as, "I love you honey, I'll be home at 6" to their new partner with the intention of inciting a response from you.
Another creepy tactic is receiving ghost phone calls. For example, you might receive frequent phone calls from private numbers and receive long silences or soft breathing on the other end. This tactic is used to freak you out and get you to engage.
7. Faking vulnerability and the need for "help"
The narcissist will go to any extent to get your attention and sympathy. Faking the need for help is such a powerful hoovering technique because it preys on our natural tendency to show compassion to others.
The narcissist might send you messages and leave you voice mails telling you that they're sick, they need your help, they're desperately in trouble and need you to call them back, or even that they're going to kill themselves.
I've heard of narcissists that have gone as far as faking serious illnesses like cancer and heart attacks, just to prey on others and reel them into abusive cycles again. (Note: if you think someone is going to kill themselves, please call your local police services.)
8. Baiting you with drama
If all other hoovering techniques fail, the narcissist will try baiting you with drama. They will send you melodramatic messages, create havoc in your social life through spreading rumors, use your children as an excuse to express rage and hissy fits, and put on scenes with the intention of provoking reactions from you.
themindsjournal.com/signs-victim-abusive-hoovering-narcissist/3/
Euphoric Recall
How It Makes You Crave the Narcissist
Euphoric Recall
How It Makes You Crave the Narcissist
You're sitting at home alone and suddenly you remember all the happy times you had together with the narcissist. All the laughs, the excitement, and adoration.
Maybe you should respond to that text. Maybe you could have done a few things differently in the relationship yourself. No one's perfect, right?
Well, the truth is, your mind is playing tricks on you because of something called euphoric recall.
You're sitting at home alone and suddenly you remember all the happy times you had together with the narcissist. All the laughs, the excitement, and adoration.
Euphoric recall is causing you to remember all the happy times and minimize the bad.
It's a defense mechanism and, in the case of narcissistic abuse, it's dangerous.
Euphoric Recall and Addiction Recovery
Euphoric recall is a psychological term for the tendency of people to remember past experiences in a positive light, while overlooking negative experiences associated with that event or person. Individuals may become obsessed with recreating the remembered pleasures of the past.
Euphoric recall is arguably the driving factor behind chronic relapsing in addiction recovery. Chronic relapsers are people in alcohol or drug recovery who have no problem maintaining sobriety for months or even years.
But at some point, thoughts start creeping into their head that "just one won't hurt." They think about all the times they had a few drinks and didn't drive drunk or start a fight. They dismiss the nights spent in jail, hangovers, and arguments.
Their mind convinces them to have that one drink and it all spirals from there. Maybe not that same day, maybe not even that week or month, but the addiction eventually comes back in full force.
Euphoric recall happens because our brains are wired to avoid suffering and seek comfort.
When you're in the throes of euphoric recall, you remember all the happy times during your relationship with the narcissist. Your brain desperately wants to experience those euphoric times again - so much in fact, that it conveniently forgets or minimizes the intense abuse you suffered.
You'll gaslight yourself. You'll convince yourself that you have your own problems to work on and could have done a few things differently yourself. You'll resort to leveling to justify giving in to the narcissist's hoovering- or even reach out to the narcissist on your own accord!
How Does Euphoric Recall Fit into Narcissistic Abuse Recovery?
Going No Contact with a narcissist puts you in the same situation as someone going through addiction recovery.
Narcissists manipulate you into a love addiction.
In the beginning, during the love-bombing phase, the narcissist gives you a high - you feel on top of the world. They shower you with affection and promises. You believe this is the greatest relationship in the world and nothing could ever compare.
Before you know it, the love-bombing has disappeared and is replaced with insults, manipulation, and gaslighting. You feel like a shell of who you once were - just like an addict at rock bottom.
When the narcissist feels like you might be getting fed up and slipping away, they'll dole out small "hits" of love bombing again to keep you hooked and hopeful. They'll promise to change (with no intention of changing). Before you know it, the abuse has returned with vengeance.
When Does Euphoric Recall Happen?
People suffering from the disease of addiction understand that recovery isn't linear.
Chronic relapsers are well aware of a phenomenon called pink cloud syndrome. Pink cloud syndrome happens a few weeks or months after getting clean.
After breaking their dependence on a substance, their brain chemistry starts shifting back to baseline producing its own serotonin, dopamine, and GABA again. Pink cloud syndrome happens a few weeks or months after getting clean.
In the pink cloud, they're so ecstatic to be clean and living a good life. The world looks bright and they feel like a kid again, rebuilding their identity and experiencing everything they couldn't do during active addiction.
But the pink cloud eventually wears off and reality sets in. Their daily routine gets boring and all the problems they faced before or during addiction are still there.. Suddenly, picking up a hit or a drink doesn't seem like such a bad idea to break the monotony. The world sucks - how can anyone go through it 100% sober?
That's euphoric recall kicking in. They remember all the reasons they started using or drinking in the first place. They remember how good it felt to get drunk, buzzed, or high.
When you leave a relationship with a narcissist, you'll also go through the pink cloud phase. You'll be thrilled to have your freedom back and start rebuilding your identity. Then, the reality of boring ole daily life hits you. You feel lonely. Suddenly, the love-bombing sounds pretty darn exciting.
Just like someone in addiction recovery, people going through narcissistic abuse recovery must prepare themselves for the pink cloud to wear off and euphoric recall to set in.
Going No Contact with a narcissist puts you in the same situation as someone going through addiction recovery.
How to Avoid Succumbing to Euphoric Recall
You can't avoid the euphoric stage from hitting you but you CAN take a few steps to avoid breaking No Contact.
Play the Tape
People going through addiction recovery are told to "play the tape" when they get cravings to use. Imagine you had a time-lapse video of your entire relationship with the narcissist.
If you were to watch such a tape, you would see a clear cause-effect pattern. You would see that giving in to the euphoria just for a little love bombing always leads back to the cycle of narcissistic abuse.
Make a List of the Relationship's Abuse
When people go through addiction recovery programs, they're encouraged to make a list of their shortcomings and all the ways they've harmed people during their addiction. It's part of learning about your resentments and why you use or drink so you can move past and make amends.
After you go No Contact with the narcissist, the first thing you should do is make a list of all the ways the narcissist has harmed you. Get specific if you have to. How many nights and weekends did you spend fighting?
How many times did they promise to change?
How many times did they insult and degrade you?
It's also a good idea to think of anyone in your own life who may have suffered as a result of your abusive relationship. This might include children, parents, siblings, and good friends.
Go back to the lists every time you feel compelled to break No Contact.
Acknowledge Euphoric Recall for What It Is
Don't repress the urge - acknowledge it for what it is. Ignoring your urge to break No Contact will just force it to reappear later, perhaps when you're in an even more vulnerable mental state.
Instead, look at the urge objectively. You can't always control the cravings or thoughts but you CAN control how you react to and manage them.
Do you act on every thought that comes into your head? Of course not! Treat this urge to break No Contact the same way.
People in addiction recovery are taught not to think of sobriety as "forever" if that feels terrifying. They're encouraged to think of sobriety as "just for today," every day. If thinking of No Contact long-term is too overwhelming, just try to get through each day.
Reach Out to a Support Group
Relationships with narcissists involve trauma bonding and love addiction. If it creates suffering in your life, you're welcome to join. (Be mindful, however, that many narcissistic abuse recovery groups have been infiltrated by narcissists because it's an easy way for them to scope out new supply sources.)
It's important to work through a specific narcissistic abuse recovery program from a qualified mentor. However, sometimes you just need to connect with people in real life in a larger group to build community support.
You're Stronger Than Euphoric Recall
Keeping No Contact isn't easy but it's the best decision you'll ever make for yourself.
No matter what you tell yourself during euphoric recall, that doesn't change the fact that your relationship with the narcissist was abusive.
You deserve more than manipulation and love addiction. You deserve the freedom to build an identity and surround yourself with supportive people.
Recovery involves rewriting everything you thought you knew about yourself. It requires rebuilding your identity - or in many cases building an identity for the first time.
Like someone suffering from substance abuse, you need to avoid relapse by learning about yourself, habits, and triggers.
Kim Siaeed
Don't repress the urge - acknowledge it for what it is. Ignoring your urge to break No Contact will just force it to reappear later, perhaps when you're in an even more vulnerable mental state.
3 Examples of Toxic Hoovering
Let's take a look at what hoovering looks and feels like—
Scenario 1:
Amanda broke up with Steven six months ago and has severed all contact. But one day, out of the blue, she receives a contact request on Facebook from Steven apologizing for all of his abusive behavior and that he wants to be given a second chance because he's still "in love" with her. Amanda's heart beats quickly as she writes a response, truly believing that Steven has "changed."
Scenario 2:
Ben managed to escape an emotionally abusive relationship with his partner Robert almost two years ago. When he arrive home, he finds a lavish array of flowers on his doorstep with a note that says "Happy Valentine's Day!" and a phone number from Robert.
Ben starts remembering how much affection Robert used to show him at the start of their relationship. Feeling lonely, Ben convinces himself that Robert must have matured past his paranoid and hateful behavior, and gives him a call.
Let's take a look at what hoovering looks and feels like—
Ben managed to escape an emotionally abusive relationship with his partner Robert almost two years ago. When he arrive home, he finds a lavish array of flowers on his doorstep with a note that says "Happy Valentine's Day!" and a phone number from Robert.
Ben starts remembering how much affection Robert used to show him at the start of their relationship. Feeling lonely, Ben convinces himself that Robert must have matured past his paranoid and hateful behavior, and gives him a call.
Scenario 3:
Ingrid has just left Scott out of a desperate attempt to regain control of her life. After managing to find solace for a few days from his gaslighting, infidelity, and outbursts of rage, he begins appearing on her doorstep. "You're the only one I ever loved Ingrid," Scott whines, "I want to marry you, I only ever wanted to be with you. You're the love of my life, my soulmate."experiencing this behavior for a couple of weeks, Ingrid finally snaps, and rips open the door, "Get out of my f*cking life!" she screams and starts to cry. Scott pulls her into a hug and she sobs on his shoulder.
Ending the Cycle of Abuse
It's important to understand that hoovering is designed to trick you by playing on your emotional vulnerabilities.
A narcissist knows very well how to manipulate you, and they will disguise their contact as an attempt to seek reconciliation, forgiveness, friendship, and even love.
Because hoovering is essentially about emotional survival for the narcissist, they will often go to extreme extents to get your engagement.
They will lie, pretend, and coerce you in any way they can so that they can get what they're truly craving: power, control, and validation.
If you feel that you're being stalked, don't hesitate to contact the police. Narcissistic abuse is a very real issue.
- Change your phone number, email, and social media accounts (or block his/her number)
- Pay attention to the signs that you're being hoovered and know these hoovering manipulation tactics inside out so that you can identify them when they occur
- Set a firm rule that you will NOT contact, acknowledge or respond to the narcissist in any way, shape or form
- Learn to love and take care of yourself
- Join a support group
- Develop mindfulness so that you can become aware of your emotional triggers
- Try google the 'gray rock method' if you've been lured back into a relationship
I truly hope these actions can help you regain a sense of personal clarity, confidence, and empowerment once again as you recover from the narcissist's hoovering mind games.
Eventually, the narcissist's tactics WILL stop.
The sooner you completely ignore every one of their attempts to lure you in, the sooner they will realize that they have no control over you anymore.