2/2021

How He Fooled Me

Sections:

  • Circumstances
  • Why I Dropped My Guard
  • Excusing His Behavior & Modifying Mine
  • I Disappeared
  • How I Was Blinded
  • He Always Had the Perfect Reason
Never Enough

Circumstances

I’m not saying I wouldn't have fallen for his games in a different situation. I probably still would have because I liked him, and felt inexplicably comfortable in his company. The thing is, the extenuating circumstances surrounding when we first got together definitely worked in his favor.
 

—  When we met we were both starting our first semester back in college. Neither of us had been typical college-aged students for several years. 

—  He had just moved back to town a few months prior, and was living with his mother (she’s wonderful) He claimed to be staying with his mom to help her adjust to life without her husband. His father had taken his own life less than a full month before we became an item. That tragedy badly triggered D.B.'s combat PTSD (supposedly).
 
— Then, there was COVID 19.. We got together a mere two days before campus was closed due to the implementation of Phase 1-lockdown/ Quarantine. 
 

— I had also been single for nearly eight years. According to D.B, he'd been single for at least the past three years, and celibate the entire time, just like me. (I don’t get why he lied about that of all things, I would’ve liked him the same amount if he’d said he used to be promiscuous.)
 

— To add to all of that entering a relationship, my only romantic experience was from two relationships, which had both been abusive and taken place many years prior.
  

As you can imagine, all the aforementioned was a lot to take into consideration when I was trying to understand why things became strained. All that was occurring for us individually, and the world in general, was a lot of stress and massive change for both of us..
 
I had every intention of being patient and supportive of him. After all, I was choosing to be with him during this less than ideal time. 

I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but who am I to give up so easily? Especially on this man who had swept me off my feet so rapidly.. I figure if something is worthwhile, I should be willing to commit to overcoming any challenges that arise.

Why I Dropped My Guard


When things between us started feeling off and negative I assumed I was just fighting it too hard because I was afraid to date again. I had taken a huge leap of faith by jumping into a relationship with him. I took a massive risk that I'd been avoiding for years. I was putting myself out there. I was going to try to trust a man again. 


Taking that risk was worth it to me because of the phenomenal communication we had, the intense chemistry, his refreshing openness with me. I had never felt that way before. I was lured in.
 

Talking with someone and being understood had never felt so easy and natural. He was in a low point and shared so much about the hardships he claimed to be facing. He let himself be vulnerable. 
 

He told me things that most people wouldn't share so quickly. I am someone who is open and divulges a lot too, so I found nothing suspicious about it. I figured he was struggling and needed to vent, and I just happened to be around. I knew I would never harm him and he seemed like he needed someone who genuinely cared. I wanted to be there for him in the same way I'd always longed for someone to be there for me.


I pushed myself to trust because I thought I was simply making negative assumptions due to my past experiences.

I feared that if I kept my guard up I'd be alone forever, that'd I 'd be pushing away someone truly wonderful...and a future. I convinced myself there was NO WAY he was just like the others..I mean, what are the odds!? I knew I had grown so much over the past seven years! I was more confident. I'd accomplished things. I was ready for something fun and good to happen in my life! I knew I deserved to be treated right.

I had spent years building myself back up so that I would be strong enough to have a healthy relationship when that day came. I wanted to give my care to someone and maybe even be cared for too for a change! I knew I was ready to try again, to finally let myself relax and believe. 
 
We had such in-depth conversations for a total of over twelve hours in such a short amount of time.. within only a few days. I really liked him. He'd spoken incessantly about how much he liked and admired me. I knew so many things about him, and he knew so much(too much)about me! This was going to be something good this time around!

Sadly, things got dark fast. I never thought he was the one hurting me. I thought he was struggling and that things would balance out in time. 

It was all so new, and there were so many unusual and serious factors to consider. When things started to feel wrong..painful.. and confusing..I figured it was my fault. I now see he guided me to feel that way.

Excusing His Behavior & Modifying Mine


I never truly realized what was going on throughout the entire relationship.(I didn't accept that it was an abusive relationship until four months in) I knew I was always hurting and that something wasn't right.


I excused everything because he made sure I knew of his traumatic past, his severe PTSD being triggered by a truly awful recent family tragedy, then multiple other tragedies he claimed occurred within the first two months of our relationship (death of another family member and death of a fellow Marine), his stress over a family member he said was struggling at home, his occasionally irritated back pain due to the shrapnel lodged from explosions in war, night terrors,..He even said he had memory problems because he had a form of brain cancer years ago, and drinking only made it worse..

I excused his behavior because of all of this, and because he kept showing me glimpses of hope and improvement. He told me he usually wasn't like this, and that it was an uncharacteristically bad time for him recently.

He said we just happened to run into each other at an awful time in his life, but that he was truly glad we did. He said he appreciated my patience and that he knew we'd get through this. He'd express how he wanted to get through this- together.

He kept saying he wasn't himself due to his PTSD, but that he was getting better and recognized his own errors. 

He said he was sorry for making things so difficult, and he swore it wouldn't stay the way it had been. 

He said he knew he couldn't lash out at me anymore, and that he couldn't keep taking out all of his anger on me.
 

He said he was done being angry at the world because of his father.
 

He told me that when he was angry he would no longer let it control other aspects of his life-especially the ones related to me.
 

When he did some extremely cruel, abusive things.. they were often so ridiculously outlandish and shocking that I could not make sense of them. I was too busy shaking my head being taken completely aback.
 

It was so painful each time. I couldn't understand how he could do some of these horrible things at all- None of it made sense, fit or matched. I suppose, no, I KNOW that is where cognitive dissonance kicked in.

I Disappeared


Trying to be there for him and attempting to avoid upsetting him had me giving him everything I had. With all my focus on him, nobody was looking after me, because he was only looking after himself too. 

All I wanted to do was love him and treat him right. I wanted to love him the way I have always wanted to be loved- selflessly, passionately, and authentically.


I was convinced he needed my support and understanding much more than I needed any of the things I wanted; such as, attention, kindness, peace, and happiness. 


I was always trying to figure out what I could do better, because everything I did always seemed to be so wrong and upsetting to him. I didn't know what to do, but I NEVER stopped trying. 

I had to try so hard, that that's all I became. I became someone trying to provide everything he needed and expected. That's all I was anymore.
 
It took all of me, and it still was never enough for him. 

I forgot about myself, and sometimes not existing became too painful to bear. But when I told him about the pain I was in and asked for his helping hand to find some relief, it would get  so much worse. He'd then hurt me so deeply that I would hear my thoughts begging God to please just let me become nothing again.

I was in such unbelievably severe pain, but all I could worry about was his. All I really cared about was his. Sometimes I'd reach out. Sometimes I'd think he would be happy to help me by providing just a few kind words, but it never happened. 

Asking would cause him to lash out at me. Then somehow he easily got me to believe I had hurt him, which led me to be disgusted and ashamed of myself, because I loved him so much and only wanted to be kind to him. 

I NEVER wanted to hurt him in any way.. but somehow he kept telling me I was wronging him. I felt incredibly helpless and desperate to do right by him.

Sadly, instead of my focus going back to myself it always went back to him. I was too busy worrying about him, feeling guilty for bothering him, feeling ashamed for never being able to do anything right.. I just kind of..quit.

I quit myself, and he became a full time job that I was committed to.  I loved him, and I don't give up on people I love. 

BUT no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I changed how I spoke.. like when I spoke, what words to use, which topics were safe.. No matter how hard I tried or how much I tiptoed and bent over backwards.. I was always upsetting him, letting him down, and then trying even harder. I gave my best. I gave him all I had.

That's where all my focus went, and how everything else became a blur I couldn't make sense of. 

He became my everything, and I became nothing.
 

He made me work for him like he was a prize, oblivious to the fact that I'm a damn prize too.


He teased me with the future he knew I wanted and disappeared each time I thought I had a clear view. It was an unattainable love he claimed he wanted, but he had no interest in—and he knew it.. I had no idea. I was in love. I was sincere. I was fighting for him. I was devoted to us. 
 
I wanted what he said he wanted, and I believed him when he said he wanted it. I believed in him, so I believed in all of it. 


I don't think I will be able to make sense of it all, not even close. I want to get it out through writings in order to take away from the burden this abusive relationship has on my mind.
 

I want to make as much sense of this nonsense as possible, but sometimes, it just makes me so tired, mad, and sad. I am mad at him, and I am mad at myself.. Being mad at myself makes me even angrier at him, because I know all I did was love him, and all he did was take care of himself and break me. Why?
 

What did I do to make him hate me so much? I would've died to prevent him from feeling pain, but he wanted me to suffer. Why? What did I do to deserve that? What made me so disposable and disgusting to him?
 

I would have done anything for him. I would have loved him for the rest of my life and given him a family. I would’ve always been there for him, no matter what.
 

How could that man I gave all of my love to hate me so much?? Maybe he is hate.

His Speeches
Wasn’t Allowed

How I Was Blinded


Simplified 

  • My shock with the extreme behavior. The cruel behavior not matching up with all the rest or who he had claimed to be and convinced me he truly was. AKA-it caused me intense cognitive dissonance.
     
  • I was so focused on doing right by him, but somehow he kept saying I was doing wrong.. I always had to be careful, and always felt like I was messing everything up.  AKA-gaslighting / blame shifting/ projection/ deflection
     
  • He would vanish, but always had a solid(super depressing pity-inducing) reason when he returned..many times made me feel insane and selfish for being bothered by his absence. AKA  gaslighting, avoidance and a creation of the fantastically horrid trauma bond...
     
  • He planted seeds of doubt about other women. He talked about other women's good looks frequently..while also keeping a porn star as his phone's background,even after being together months and us having a picture together. AND he let me know women were after him, including and ex that he had once ended our relationship over and young girls he helped study out of ‘the kindness of his heart’ AKA- Triangulation and big time gaslighting/crazy-making
     
  • He abandoned me and threatened abandonment repeatedly, just to then fiercely pull me in over and over-It kept me confused, fearful, and desperate... I was desperate for certainty, acceptance, kindness, and safety. AKA-Lovebombing, future faking, discarding, hoovering, and gaslighting--CYCLE OF ABUSE
     
  • And one BIG was, He lied. He used sad stories, PTSD, Depression, Stress, Addiction..all sorts of things for me to feel sorry for him..like I needed to be even more considerate and patient with him, not ask for too much, or expect good things from him.. .I did feel sorry for him, and I wanted to understand so that I could be there for him and care for him like he deserved..with all my effort. AKA-Narcissistic Manipulation/ Pity Ploy

I had no idea he was playing me because I believed in him, thus I believed in all of it.  

I was in love, and trying my best to treat him the way everyone deserves to be treated —right. 

I loved him how I deserve to be loved back.

Main Discard: His Birthday

He Always Had the Perfect Reason 

(to ignore, hurt, & neglect me.)


He was missing in action majority of the relationship. However, he had me convinced it was for good reason. I have never felt as lonely as I did while I was his.

  

I'd write my heart out when I desperately wanted to speak with him, but was unable to. It was always due to one of the following reasons:


1.)  He convinced me that he was experiencing a terrible PTSD episode and was in a "dark place." Needed to work through it.


2.)  He assured there was no need to worry if he went silent , because "I always have a GOOD reason, just assume we're fine unless I tell you otherwise." He told me not to overthink it or be so dramatic (AKA-He wanted me to have no needs or feelings)


3.)  He had reiterated he just REALLY hated the phone.


4.)  He claimed someone else had died.


5.)  He was 100% ignoring me because I attempted to have a conversation about what I wanted, needed, thought, or felt.


6.)  We just had a romantic date- immediately cut off contact for several days afterwards..(kept saying it was his way of "putting up walls" & that he'd stop pushing me away. Said that he really cared about me a lot, but that he was scared because he'd lost so people-especially in war. He'd mention how the loss of his soldiers and young child deeply impacted his ability to let people in.) I believed all of those reasons until the very very end.


7.)  Someone was harassing him.(one of his many "crazy-manipulative" exes who still wanted him.)


8.)  He was too angry to talk to me."I'm in a really bad place right now. I don't want to take it out on you,I know I can't keep lashing out at you." "I know it's hard to not know what's going on with your counterpart, but you're just gonna have to trust me and back off." "G****(his nephew-friend) even asked if I was gonna break up with you. I said, if she keeps doing these things. I told him she's so sweet and harmless, she just says these things that push my buttons. They're harmless, she just doesn't know she's making everything worse" "I'm trying really hard not to become the as*hole I was 3 or 4 years ago, but I'm starting to act like it again because of all this." "Just trust me when I say, you need to back off babe."



9.)  He fell asleep at the most inopportune time possible (Like right after saying something horrible, after swearing to call back, or right after telling me he was on his way over)

My Lists for Moving On
Stonewalling
Manipulation Tactics
Love Bombing
Gaslighting
Cognitive Dissonance
Trauma Bond