Intimate Partner Abuse Questionnaire

Sections:

Intro
Questionnaire
— Intimate Partner Abuse Identification
— Syndrome of Response to Abuse
— Scoring
My Scores

The questionnaire below identifies traits and behaviors usually associated with Antisocial Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Psychopathy (whether separate or comorbid) that express as (often not obvious) forms of abuse in intimate partner relating.

The primary personality structure of this type of abuser is based upon the need to maintain dominance, control, and a narcissistic (blameless and flawless) self-perception, which precludes introspection, and in which a lack of empathy, remorse, and conscience are inherent. This abuser will not tolerate well traits in a partner that do not conform to these needs, though the application of control may be subtle, gradual or intermittent.

Control is likely to be in the form of emotional manipulation and deceit, but sometimes more obvious forms of aggression and control are applied, sometimes both. Because the abuser does not usually initially present with these behaviors, it can create cognitive dissonance in their partner which can make abuse/control harder to become conscious of.

This assessment is purposefully lengthy to capture specific traits and relational behaviors found in this type of abuse, in order to aid in distinguishing whether normal interpersonal conflict and dysfunction is presented, or an abuse/control vs victim dynamic is presented.*

It can be helpful to the clinician to recognize that these traits/behaviors, if part of an enduring and inflexible personality adaptation, may limit the motivation needed and the ability to make changes.

Motivation requires the ability to look inward at one's behavior honestly, even when it's uncomfortable, and to be aware that the problem originates from them, i.e. taking responsibility. It is most often empathy - the experience that one's behavior causes discomfort or suffering in their loved one - that is the motivating factor for changing responses toward one's partner, and that which is likely to create enduring changes.

An important concept for the clinician to understand is that in these relationships the victimized partner over time usually feels considerable confusion and self-blame, and has adapted (or lost) their sense of self to conform to what's acceptable, i.e. does not get a negative response. If there is the discovery of deceit/betrayal or the presence of aggression or violence, they may experience traumatic shock.

Therefore, criteria for PTSD (chronic or episodic) should be explored, and, if diagnosed, appropriate interventions considered. The clinician may also explore with the victimized partner their own maladaptive patterns of relational interaction/communication, other life traumas, family history, codependent traits, self-esteem, etc. that may impact relational interactions, perceived role in the relationship, and tolerance for abuse/control.

The inclusion of a Positive Traits category in this questionnaire is to help clients understand what healthy responses in intimate partner relating look like in contrast to their own and their partner's.

Here's a link to the official document, in case you'd like to download and print it instead of using the copy-pasted version I've provided. A few people have had difficulty opening the original file. IPAI-Questionnaire.pdf

INTIMATE PARTNER ABUSE IDENTIFICATION

[Answer questionnaire as if still in the relationship for those questions which refer to that]

0 - Never or Rarely true (or N/A)
1 - Sometimes true [If question is starred (*) rate as 2.
2 - Often or Always true

CHARACTER TRAITS OF ABUSING PARTNER

Inwardly and/or outwardly, my partner appears to need to see him/herself as special, extreme, or superior

My partner can engage in risky behaviors with no anxiety

My partner engages in behaviors outside the law (not related to addictions

My partner has not been able to maintain consistent employment

My partner was intensely attentive at the beginning of the relationship

Presenting a good public image is important to my partner

My partner believes s/he is entitled to special treatment

My partner expresses feeling like a victim of outside circumstances which makes him/her hostile toward them

My partner seemed like my perfect mate at the beginning of the relationship

My partner can be vindictive toward myself or others if s/he perceives insult or injury

Our relationship from the beginning moved forward quickly

My partner can exhibit grand romantic or extravagant gestures, but does not connect emotionally day to day

My partnerʼs behaviors are callous toward me and/or others

My partner seems like two different people, either engaging and calm, or enraged

My partner can be charming and glib

My partner likes to be the life of the party/center of attention

My partner does not have friends s/he socializes with

My partner does not have close family connections

My partner shared at the beginning that s/he had a criminal record and/or was incarcerated previous to the relationship

My partner neglects his/her responsibilities

My partner does not care for and/or act caring toward the children

My partner does not accompany me to important doctor appointments or events

My partner does not exhibit caretaking behaviors when I am sick or injured

My partner has told me about his/her abusive, neglectful, and/or traumatized childhood

SCORE__

COERCIVE CONTROL

My partner coerced me into getting plastic surgery

My partner is critical if I gain weight

My partner dictates the menus

My partner decides who does what around the home

My partner does not want me to work, be away from the home, or go to school

My partner expresses distaste about, picks fights about, or skips social/family gatherings

My partner seems to pick fights at times just to put me down or influence events

My partner appears irritated or uncomfortable when I spend time with family or friends

My partner only wants to go where s/he feels comfortable and in control

My partner insists on knowing where I am at all times

My partner checks my texts, emails, and social media

My partner expresses distaste for the people in my life

My partner violated the agreements of our divorce decree

*When I broke up with my partner, s/he stalked me

Once I broke up with my partner, s/he did not respect my boundary and kept trying to contact me

My partner interferes with my attempts to enforce rules or consequences on children

My partner makes major decisions without consulting with me

My partner coerced spiritual beliefs and practices that I had no say about

During the divorce my partner tried to get full custody of the children without grounds

During our divorce my partner hid financial records and was not forthcoming with disclosure

During the divorce my partner made false allegations against me

SCORE __

VERBAL ABUSE

If my partner does not like something I do, s/he expresses it demeaning or hostile language

*My partner goes on hostile verbal rants or rages

If something is wrong with the children my partner blames/puts me down for it

My partner accuses me of behaviors that I do not do, but that s/he does

My partner expresses verbal hostility or criticism when I disagree with him/her

My partner is verbally abusive toward the children (e.g. critical, demeaning, shouting, degrading)

My partner degrades, criticizes, or yells at me in front of the children

My partner has told negative rumors or lies about me to others

My partner becomes disproportionately verbally hostile toward me for minor slights or disagreements

SCORE __

EMOTIONAL ABUSE/ MANIPULATION

My partner will appear to be mentally shut down or absent during an argument

My partner insists something in the past happened in a way I remember different or have no recall of

If I bring up something that bothers me in our relationship my partner turns it around into me being the bad guy for bringing it up, and that he is the victim. It doesnʼt get further than that

If I bring up something that bothers me in our relationship my partner gets angry or walks away, then refuses to talk about it again and acts as if nothing happened

If my partner is uncomfortable with my feelings or opinions, s/he is dismissive

My partner uses friends, family, or community members to convince me to do what s/he wants

When there is a conflict my partner does not seem able to take responsibility for his/her part in it

If my partnerʼs deceptive or hurtful actions clearly harmed me or the children, s/he does not express remorse

My partner does not admit shortcomings or inconsiderate actions toward me

My partner does not seem able to empathize with or validate my emotions

My things disappear, at times reappear, or are found damaged without any logical explanation

The only emotions I have seen my partner express are anger or self-pity

SCORE __

PHYSICAL (OR THREAT OF) ABUSE/VIOLENCE

My partner is physically intimidating or overpowering to me

*My partner has physically assaulted me (hitting, kicking, choking)

My partner has pushed or shoved me

*My partner has attempted to kill me

*My partner physically assaulted me in front of the children

*I had to get a Restraining Order against my partner for threat or violence, stalking or abuse

*My partner has verbally threatened to kill me

*My partner has intimidated or threatened me with a weapon

My partner has destroyed or thrown things in a fit of rage

*My partner is physically abusive toward the children (e.g. beating, starving, over punishing, punching)

*Our relationship goes through cycles of physical abuse, then reconnecting romantically

*My partner fed or exposed me to something that made me sick or was poisonous

SCORE __

SEXUAL ABUSE

*My partner has sexually assaulted me (rape)

My partner has coerced or persuaded me to participate in sexual practices I have not felt comfortable with

My partner insists we use drugs or alcohol before sex even if I donʼt want to

My partner needs porn before or during sex to get aroused which I have gone along with but did not feel comfortable with

*My partner engaged deceitfully in sex outside the relationship with prostitutes, escorts, other gender sex, multiple sexual partners, and/or affairs

*My partner was found to be sexually abusing one or more of the (step)children

My partner insists we have sex when I donʼt want to or am sick

*My partner had sex with me after secretly drugging me to unconsciousness, or while I was asleep

*I acquired an STD from my partnerʼs cheating

My partner needs sex that is increasingly degrading, controlling, sadistic, induces pain, or play acts violence

SCORE __

FINANCIAL ABUSE

My partner has insisted I give him/her my whole pay check

My partner has stolen money from me or someone else in my family

My partner has scammed other people out of money during our relationship

My partner has financially exploited others or entities, that put me at risk for criminal indictment

My partner insists on controlling the money in the relationship

My partner accrued debt before or during the relationship and kept it hidden from me

SCORE __

DECEIT ABUSE

*My partner engaged in criminal activities during the relationship and lied about it

My partner engaged in criminal activities or was incarcerated previous to the relationship and hid it from me

*My partner lied about demographics, e.g. identity, finances, relationship status, children, occupation

I have caught my partner in lies about his/her whereabouts or other things

My partner erases incoming texts and computer history

My partner insists on passwords and privacy on his/her devices and computer

My partner says, "I love you" but actions are not loving

My partner is sometimes gone or out of contact for periods of time

*I discovered my partner had sexual activity/liaisons outside of our relationship

*I discovered my partner was secretly a pedophile, rapist, or murderer

SCORE __

ADDICTION

My partner has a substance or alcohol problem

My partner has a gambling, food, or spending addiction

My partner has a sex addiction

My partner has not taken responsibility for nor has not received the help maintain staying sober/clean from their addiction

The lies related to addiction are the only lies my partner tells

SCORE __

PARTNERʼS POSITIVE TRAITS IN THE RELATIONSHIP

My partner considers my opinion regarding a decision as equal to his/hers

My partner is sensitive and responsive to my sexual needs

My partner can put aside his own comfort to respond to my or the childrenʼs needs

My partner respects my personal boundaries

My partner verbalizes the parts of my character s/he loves or appreciates

My partner can express uncomfortable emotions like inadequacy, guilt, hurt, etc

My partner exhibits caring responsible actions towards our children

If my partnerʼs behavior is causing a problem in the relationship s/he can honestly look it and take responsibility for improving it

My partner can eventually empathize with my emotions even if we start out in a conflict

My partner strives to maintain meaningful relationships with family, friends

My partner strives to maintain positive relationships with my family and friends

My partner carries his/her share of the responsibilities to provide for/maintain our household

SYNDROME OF RESPONSE TO ABUSE

[Answer questionnaire as if still in the relationship for those questions which refer to that]

0 - Never or Rarely true (or N/A)
2 - Sometimes true [If question is starred (*) rate as 2.
3 - Often or Always true

BEHAVIORAL RESPONSES TO RELATIONAL STRESS

If I get a negative reaction from my partner, I try to be more pleasing

I take on the activities my partner does not like to do

I forget my partnerʼs hostility or negative behavior toward me once s/heʼs nice again

I find myself changing in me whatever my partner is not comfortable with

I have found myself panicking and trying harder to reach my partner if s/he grows distant

I think I can improve our problems by figuring out how to better love my partner

Even though my partner doesnʼt communicate well I believe my understanding can make up for the deficit

I fight more to be heard as time goes on, but it only causes more conflict

I have begun an addiction in response to relationship stress

I have begun an eating disorder in response to relationship stress

SCORE __

EMOTIONAL RESPONSES TO RELATIONAL STRESS

I feel more and more depressed and hopeless in this relationship

I have felt suicidal because of the difficulty of the relationship

I have attempted suicide during the relationship

I have had a psychiatric hospitalization during the relationship for depression/suicidality

I often feel anxious in the relationship

I have begun having panic attacks during the relationship

I feel painfully alone most of the time in the relationship

I feel shame for agreeing to participate in some sexual practices my partner wants me to

I feel shame for allowing myself to be disrespected and treated badly

I feel more and more isolated as shame keeps me from reaching out to family and friends

I have felt abandoned by or distanced from God since being in the relationship

I have wondered if my partner would kill me

I have not left the relationship because I fear my partnerʼs anger and retaliation

I feel vague a sense of paranoia/uneasiness about my partner but cannot pinpoint why

SCORE __

NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE OF SELF

I see myself as a failure in this relationship

I have felt significantly less attractive as the relationship has progressed

My sense of confidence has diminished during the course of this relationship

When my partner disagrees with me or is angry it makes me doubt myself

I feel deeply for my partnerʼs difficult life and would never want to abandon him/her like others have

I believe the unusual nature of our relationship makes us unique

I feel like we have two different lives – a public one and a private one

It is important for me to see myself as special or superior to others in some way

I feel like I have lost myself in this relationship

I feel addicted to the intense sex in our relationship

My commitment/religious beliefs prevent me from giving up on my marriage and/or family no matter how miserable I might be

Sometimes things seem to go missing and I wonder if Iʼm losing my mind

I feel objectified in our sexual relationship

It seems like my partner cannot see who I really am, but who s/he needs me to be

SCORE __

SYMPTOMS OF PTSD (PRESENT WITHIN SAME PERIOD)

I feel hypervigilant about my partnerʼs unpredictable or hostile behavior

I have flashbacks of abuse/deceit from the relationship

I have problems concentrating on my daily activitie

I find myself ruminating over interactions in our relationship that seem to have no resolution

I feel detached from others and outside activities

I have sleep disturbance and nightmares

I have had multiple home or vehicular accidents during the relationship

I feel emotionally numb or flat

I feel more negativity, shame and/or guilt about myself

I block out abusive or painful interactions with my partner when things settle down

I feel more distractible, forgetful, and/or spacey as time goes on

Since deceit was discovered I have been in a state of shock

I have lost my ability to trust people as a result of this relationship

I avoid activities, people, and situations that remind me of memories of this relationship

I do not feel safe engaging in another relationship since breaking from this one

SCORE __

PHYSIOLOGICAL SYMPTOMS OF CHRONIC STRESS

I get more respiratory and viral illnesses than usual in the relationship

I acquired a chronic illness during the relationship

I feel chest tightness and/or shallow breathing

I have more muscle tension, headaches and/or migraines

I have developed digestion issues during the relationship

I feel generally broken down and worn out and/or developed adrenal fatigue

I have lost/gained 20 or more pounds during the relationship

SCORE __

POSITIVE PERSONAL TRAITS IN THE RELATIONSHIP

I feel I carry equal decision making power in the relationship

I am sensitive and responsive to my partnerʼs sexual needs

I carry my share of the responsibilities providing for, maintaining our household

I respect my partnerʼs boundaries in the relationship

I feel safe to express any emotions honestly and expect an empathic response

If Iʼve hurt my partner in some way I express genuine remorse and try to improve my behavior

If there is a conflict between us, I can eventually understand my partnerʼs viewpoint and empathize with his/her emotions

When my behavior is causing a problem in the relationship I am willing take responsibility for it

I am able to put my needs aside to consider the needs of my partner and/or children

I exhibit caring behaviors toward the children

I maintain meaningful relationships with my own family and friends

I maintain positive relationships with my partner's family and friends

SCORING