A Good Day
08/17/2021
UPDATE 8/18: Yeah, so yesterday was still a great day.. But reading back over this, I thinks it's fairly obvious that seeing him did trigger me. lol. Oh well..it still felt way better than feeling heartbroken..
Today was an unexpectedly good day. 🙂 It started with me running around trying to get all of my school/ financial aid mess straightened out. Some of what I had to complete required me to drive up to McNeese..which is the college where I met my narcissistic ex, D.B. Being at that location felt a little odd, but it also felt great because I was doing what had to be done to move forward with my life. Yay. But y'all, the cherry on top is that I saw him. I saw my hateful ex walking down the street near campus.
Why was this so exciting?
I'll tell you why! 😎
As I was driving away from student central, his tall self dressed in all black caught my eye. He’s around 6’4, it was hard to miss. The absolute best part, is that when my brain registered who it was..I wasn't sad, bothered, or angry. I saw him, and my thoughts were pretty simple and comical.
His tragic past and future is not my problem. He is ruining his own life. It's a shame. I will never hate him. I hope he gets help one day. I am trying to change for the better, but even at my worst I deserved better than him. I didn't deserve to be abused and scarred like that. I entered his life out of kindness and with good intentions, it is not my fault he is too broken to see what's real and worthwhile. It is not my fault he chooses to be a bad person, it's his.
This girl is going to start working out to gain energy, get back to styling her hair and decorating her face to look sassy. I am going to return to school and life with a bounce in my step. He can judge me, lie about me, lie to me, and lie to himself..but this lady is going to be happy and beautiful regardless.
He could've had me forever, but he chose not to..I will say this in the most loving way possible--what a dumbass. He can keep hiding, tricking, and breaking everyone he can. I am going to go live a better life. I'm so glad I'm not his main punching bag anymore, but I feel so sorry for whoever is. I feel sorry for every single woman or girl he is going to get involved with. Nobody deserves the way he mistreats people. If someone acts like they don't care about you, they probably don't.
I’m pretty sure the fading connection I feel to him is some form of cognitive dissonance/denial. He and I have no real connection...he just acted like we did so I'd fall for him. The man I think is in there mixed up with the hostile mess isn't there, not anymore. He chose to become the mess a long time ago, and it seems that is how he wants to stay.
All I have to say to him in this moment is-Alright man, it sure was good seeing you today! Not your beard though.😉. Hope you are doing alright. Peace -
Why was this so exciting?
I'll tell you why! 😎
As I was driving away from student central, his tall self dressed in all black caught my eye. He’s around 6’4, it was hard to miss. The absolute best part, is that when my brain registered who it was..I wasn't sad, bothered, or angry. I saw him, and my thoughts were pretty simple and comical.
I thought-
- "Oh, look..it's D____. I thought I was going to marry that man. Weird."
- “He still has that beard. Gross.”
- “I miss his mom.”
- “I can't believe how much I loved that guy.”
- “How did he manage to win me over??”
- “Let me get another look at him, because this isn't doing anything for me.”
- “Is that Gr-? He's a funny kid. Wonder if D__ is still being an asshole to him.”
I was intrigued by the fact that my emotions didn't respond the way I expected them too. So my goofy self turned my car around, and I passed by him once more, to see if I felt anything romantic towards him. I was curious if I'd have any powerful feelings I guess. I expected to maybe feel sad or furious. I didn't. Well, my thoughts when I saw him closer up the second time around were only slightly different..lol
I thought-
- "I HATE that beard. I wish he would've had it when we first met, then I would've never agreed to a date. That's mean. Whatever. He's mean."
- “Last time I saw him was interesting.”
- “I wonder how many other people he’s going to abuse and traumatize before he dies..”
- “God, it's hot!”
- “Hmm..I wonder if he saw me. Bet he felt flattered and like I was a creepy weirdo. I am weird, who cares? He's the creep.”
- “That was pointless.”
- “Poor guy. I wonder where he’s going to end up..what a waste.”
- “I want some gummy bears or cheese sticks..is it that time already?”
- “I cannot wait to meet new people!”
- “I'm ready to be back home in stretchy pants.”
Nice right? Ok. As amusing and silly as all that is..I am able to sit and have deeper thoughts about it now that I'm back home. No, the second look at him did not make me feel anything more. No strong emotions. All very.. 'meh'. I’m happy about this. I’m going to enjoy it while I can, in case I feel differently later on. I hope this almost-indifference lasts this time around.
I don't hate him. I don't think he is ugly, I actually think he’s rather beautiful(when he looks groomed). I don't want him to have a hard time. I still want him to be alright. But I also didn't feel the slightest 'want' for him when I saw him today. Knowing how mean he is, knowing all the horrible ways he has harmed me, knowing he thinks poorly of me for no sane reason, and then seeing that big bush of a beard covering his best feature...I was not..'feeling it.' He sure won't give a damn. He never has. But I give a damn, because I'm thrilled that seeing him made my day better instead of worse!
I have love for him, I always will in one way or another. But It felt extremely good to see him today, and not want him. I didn't want him, because I know he wants to hurt me. Or else he'd stop doing it. I just didn't care beyond my own curiosity over my unexpectedly shallow reaction to seeing him. I thought that was interesting. I could only see his fakery, even in the way he was walking..He just looked like he was full of sh*t, trying to look cool for a bunch of kids half his age. He looked strained, angry, sad and arrogant. Yeah..I interpret his energy and mannerisms differently now that I've learned him, and been through enough of his mistreatment. I know it has to be ridiculously exhausting to be him.
It was so strange to see him and recall how small and broken he made me feel. ’Him, that guy?’ How did that dangerous, sleazy looking man get ahold of me? How did that man score me!? Maybe the word sleazy is too harsh, but I’m apparently really repulsed by the beard that looks like a woman’s unkept 😺. Maybe I’m just being mean today? Maybe being mean makes me feel less hurt? Oh well, I like how I feel right now.
I care about the man, but all I can see today is how he doesn't care about anyone, especially me. There was something about seeing him walking around looking so normal(his normal) after all of the suffering he has put my through, and after he just recently bailed on me without closure again.. All of that, and my lack of feeling drawn to him the way I usually am, made me see him differently this afternoon.
How did he get me? I suppose I felt instant comfort with him because abusive as*holes are familiar to me..I’m used to jerks..so naturally, I gravitated towards the biggest one in Lake Charles..Ha. I’m not completely sure what I saw in him when we first started, I guess whatever he wanted me to see, huh? How could he seriously not realize that he had hit the jackpot? So he mistakenly saw nothing in me, and I mistakenly saw everything in him. I thought I saw a good man behind all his pride and nonsense..My bad.
Today I saw a sad, angry man who doesn't have a clue what he's lost, because HE was too 'clueless' to realize he ever had it. He loved to call me clueless. He had me, he doesn't anymore. My heart is finally detaching from the void that’s in the place of his. It's about time.
The romanticized view of him was a lie that he fed me. That false view has started to fade so much that I can't make out the image anymore. I’m rapidly losing interest in trying to anyway. I’m very, very sick of being treated like garbage. I don’t want him. Reading over that Our 2nd First-Date writing as I edited it, probably has me a little more angry than usual. I don't think that's a bad thing. Who knows
People can change for the better at anytime in their life..but he is 41 years old and stubborn. So, him actually trying to become a better man at this point..is highly unlikely. He’d have to care enough, that’s ‘not his jam’ as he would say.
I'll never forget him, but when I meet a man who is actually good and strong...the memory of my ex will only serve to remind me how lucky I am to have ended up with someone else. Man, I am feisty today aren't I? What does he expect from me? He's either missing in action, or ripping my heart out and leaving me even less sure of who he is.
I don't hate him. I don't think he is ugly, I actually think he’s rather beautiful(when he looks groomed). I don't want him to have a hard time. I still want him to be alright. But I also didn't feel the slightest 'want' for him when I saw him today. Knowing how mean he is, knowing all the horrible ways he has harmed me, knowing he thinks poorly of me for no sane reason, and then seeing that big bush of a beard covering his best feature...I was not..'feeling it.' He sure won't give a damn. He never has. But I give a damn, because I'm thrilled that seeing him made my day better instead of worse!
I have love for him, I always will in one way or another. But It felt extremely good to see him today, and not want him. I didn't want him, because I know he wants to hurt me. Or else he'd stop doing it. I just didn't care beyond my own curiosity over my unexpectedly shallow reaction to seeing him. I thought that was interesting. I could only see his fakery, even in the way he was walking..He just looked like he was full of sh*t, trying to look cool for a bunch of kids half his age. He looked strained, angry, sad and arrogant. Yeah..I interpret his energy and mannerisms differently now that I've learned him, and been through enough of his mistreatment. I know it has to be ridiculously exhausting to be him.
It was so strange to see him and recall how small and broken he made me feel. ’Him, that guy?’ How did that dangerous, sleazy looking man get ahold of me? How did that man score me!? Maybe the word sleazy is too harsh, but I’m apparently really repulsed by the beard that looks like a woman’s unkept 😺. Maybe I’m just being mean today? Maybe being mean makes me feel less hurt? Oh well, I like how I feel right now.
I care about the man, but all I can see today is how he doesn't care about anyone, especially me. There was something about seeing him walking around looking so normal(his normal) after all of the suffering he has put my through, and after he just recently bailed on me without closure again.. All of that, and my lack of feeling drawn to him the way I usually am, made me see him differently this afternoon.
How did he get me? I suppose I felt instant comfort with him because abusive as*holes are familiar to me..I’m used to jerks..so naturally, I gravitated towards the biggest one in Lake Charles..Ha. I’m not completely sure what I saw in him when we first started, I guess whatever he wanted me to see, huh? How could he seriously not realize that he had hit the jackpot? So he mistakenly saw nothing in me, and I mistakenly saw everything in him. I thought I saw a good man behind all his pride and nonsense..My bad.
Today I saw a sad, angry man who doesn't have a clue what he's lost, because HE was too 'clueless' to realize he ever had it. He loved to call me clueless. He had me, he doesn't anymore. My heart is finally detaching from the void that’s in the place of his. It's about time.
The romanticized view of him was a lie that he fed me. That false view has started to fade so much that I can't make out the image anymore. I’m rapidly losing interest in trying to anyway. I’m very, very sick of being treated like garbage. I don’t want him. Reading over that Our 2nd First-Date writing as I edited it, probably has me a little more angry than usual. I don't think that's a bad thing. Who knows
People can change for the better at anytime in their life..but he is 41 years old and stubborn. So, him actually trying to become a better man at this point..is highly unlikely. He’d have to care enough, that’s ‘not his jam’ as he would say.
I'll never forget him, but when I meet a man who is actually good and strong...the memory of my ex will only serve to remind me how lucky I am to have ended up with someone else. Man, I am feisty today aren't I? What does he expect from me? He's either missing in action, or ripping my heart out and leaving me even less sure of who he is.
His tragic past and future is not my problem. He is ruining his own life. It's a shame. I will never hate him. I hope he gets help one day. I am trying to change for the better, but even at my worst I deserved better than him. I didn't deserve to be abused and scarred like that. I entered his life out of kindness and with good intentions, it is not my fault he is too broken to see what's real and worthwhile. It is not my fault he chooses to be a bad person, it's his.
This girl is going to start working out to gain energy, get back to styling her hair and decorating her face to look sassy. I am going to return to school and life with a bounce in my step. He can judge me, lie about me, lie to me, and lie to himself..but this lady is going to be happy and beautiful regardless.
He could've had me forever, but he chose not to..I will say this in the most loving way possible--what a dumbass. He can keep hiding, tricking, and breaking everyone he can. I am going to go live a better life. I'm so glad I'm not his main punching bag anymore, but I feel so sorry for whoever is. I feel sorry for every single woman or girl he is going to get involved with. Nobody deserves the way he mistreats people. If someone acts like they don't care about you, they probably don't.
I’m pretty sure the fading connection I feel to him is some form of cognitive dissonance/denial. He and I have no real connection...he just acted like we did so I'd fall for him. The man I think is in there mixed up with the hostile mess isn't there, not anymore. He chose to become the mess a long time ago, and it seems that is how he wants to stay.
All I have to say to him in this moment is-Alright man, it sure was good seeing you today! Not your beard though.😉. Hope you are doing alright. Peace -