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One Year After the Discard

It’ll be a year since the main discard on July 8th. I guess blindsiding, abusing, and abandoning me was the only way to get what he wanted.

I freeze up when I try to think of what to write regarding how my heart was broken in the most disgusting way one year ago. I struggle to find the right words as a starting point. I feel like it shouldn't affect me anymore. It was just a day. Then again, it really wasn't.

It was when he crushed me on purpose. The man I would have died for tried to destroy me when all I'd ever done was try my hardest to do right by him. I had never wronged him. I had forgiven the cruelest of his errors without hesitation. I had considered him every single moment throughout our relationship. 

Yet, he expressed shockingly intense hatred towards me. He seemed hell-bent on destruction anytime I'd exhaust myself trying to resolve any unnecessary negativity. He'd shame me. He'd reject my feelings, thoughts, and pleas as though I'd done something unimaginably horrid. I was always gracious towards him, but when it counted most he showed me no mercy. 

He treated me like I was an annoying insect buzzing around him that needed to be squashed. I was treated like a huge nuisance, threat, and enemy. Then finally, I was treated like I was absolutely nothing- I didn't exist. I was deleted. Apparently I was in the way, and it infuriated him to have to deal with some 'thing' as unworthy as me.

 
It was no small event to encounter his illogical behaviors and the disturbing hatred he displayed as he treated me like I was nothing. There was nothing normal or humane about it. It was not ok. It was a serious ordeal. It mattered then, and it matters now. On his birthday he broke more than my heart.

His manipulation, hatred, and dehumanizing mistreatment broke apart all that I am. I will be fine again, but he never will be. That makes it hurt worse, because I would feel much better if I at least knew he'd be alright some day. He won't. He's broken, and he tried to break me. He did temporarily.

 
Getting mind-fucked by an abuser takes you further away from yourself than you can ever fully describe to someone who has never experienced such degradation. Psychological abuse attacks who you are. And by the time you realize it you may not remember who you were, how to get back to her, or if you ever want to be her again.

The effect abuse has on people is dramatic, so I do speak of it seriously. He loves to call things that matter 'drama' to demean others' experiences.. But who cares what someone who cares about absolutely nothing thinks? At least now I know I shouldn't care what D.B. thinks, even if it still hurts sometimes. 

He's made it clear that nothing matters to him.

He's too good for real life and meaningful things.

He labels it all as 'drama' so he can look down upon it.

He has to convince himself everything is something to be looked down upon, because that's the only way he can feel like he's anything. It makes me sad, but it's not my problem to solve.
 

The Initial Impact

I already summed up how horrifically the actual day of the discard hurt me here-(The Discard/ His Birthday).
 

However, what his actions that day led to was something else entirely. It was a violent jolt once what made absolutely NO SENSE became something that did make sense.. And it did so in only one context -that of narcissistic abuse.
 

All of his cruel, bizarre, and contradictory behavior could suddenly be explained. His mistreatment of me didn't make sense if I would try to understand it from the typical perspective (with conscience), but when I dove into general narcissism, NPD, BPD, and Antisocial personality disorder, it was like my entire world changed.. yet again. It was flipped over and the rug pulled out from underneath me once more.
 

My understanding of our relationship, myself, and of life in general was entirely dismantled. It wreaked havoc on my mental health. I was being psychologically tormented. My mind felt like it was eroding and transitioning into an incomprehensible outlook I never wished to posses.

The experience was dramatic, because it was in response to his extremely disturbing and dramatic behavior. 
 

The emotional cruelty he put me through felt like an ongoing assault I could never escape or recover from. He tried to crush me and make me feel small. He succeeded. I was hurt horribly by his selfish, unfeeling choices. I believe he liked the pain he inflicted a lot more than he ever cared about me as a person.
 

That same feeling from his birthday returned each time I came to another heartbreaking realization about our 'relationship.' Although having a minimal grasp on the situation was better than none, it still couldn't fully register with me.
 

The very first time I ever considered such a thing after educating myself on narcissistic/psychopathic abuse.. I thought things such as:

This was all a lie. 

He played me. 

He never cared or loved me. 

He knew he was making me fall harder and harder for him, and he knew he would never try or be able to do the same in return. 

He betrayed me.

He violated my trust, mind and body by gaining access to all of me through deception. 

He used me. 

I thought he wanted to marry me, he said he did. 

He was trying to convince me to get pregnant. But he never even liked me. 

It was a lie. I was always alone in this. 

I'm nothing to him.

Everything I held dear, believed in, suffered for, fought for, and hoped for was a lie.
 

As soon as I would BARELY begin to accept the truth of my reality, can you guess what would happen?

When you are not trusting yourself, you don't have faith in your ability to know anything or to do anything correctly anymore.

Thank goodness he managed to escape me, he deserved so much better.. I'm only kidding.

Where I Am Now

It's strange to think that it has already been a year. Our relationship was brief, but his negative presence never left. Instead of feeling like I've been single for a year, I feel like I have been single for a couple of months at best. 
 

The relationship officially ended in July 2020, but I've still felt trapped in it for the past year. He came back three times within six months after the main discard.. Which only slowed down a difficult process even more. 
 

Accepting that 'we' were definitely over took a long time too. It only got easier to accept after he ignored and abandoned me on my birthday. Him being able to do that to me, after everything else he'd already put me through, helped close the door more.
 

It's not easy, but it has gotten better. I'm not going to lie, things still aren't great. I'm not quite back to myself yet. I'm not confident, or as happy and hopeful as I was before I met him. I'm still recovering, but I am in a much better headspace than the one I was in a year ago. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks, and that is a huge relief for me. Nights are always the hardest, but they are gradually getting easier.

 

I'm starting to have days in which I am nearly myself again. Well.. nearly-almost myself. There are days when I feel like I matter, and like I'm not hopeless. Sure, I haven't done my makeup (I used to it daily) more than a handful of times over the past six months, but during those handful of times some of my energy returned. Some is better than none.

 

I know I will get back to being happy again. I know I will have a bounce in my step and enjoy getting dolled up everyday like I used to. I know I will. I'm trying, because I know who I am is nothing to be ashamed of. However, knowing it isn't the same as feeling it. 

I miss how I felt before I met D.B. I miss feeling proud of the person I had fought to become through the years. I miss caring about certain simple things.

 

I loved to do a lot of little things before I fell in love with him. I'm not giving up. I fought for him and would've never stopped, so I definitely refuse to stop fighting for myself. He doesn't love me, he never did. He was not kind to me. I would love for a good man to be nice to me, but I cannot force that to happen. I can, however, at least learn how to be kind to myself.

His hate showed me who I am, and the beautiful way that I love. I got to see the truth of my heart, even at my lowest. I let him know it, but he responded like my heart was an act, or simply something that didn't matter.
 

It hurts to think of how much I loved him. It really stings to remember the joy I felt on the days in mid-June and early July last year. It cuts deep when I remember that everything I thought we had between us was only ever real for me. He never meant a word or felt a thing. I'm not sure how I will handle his birthday this year. I feel like I'll be ok, but I don't want to fail to prepare myself for a struggle.

It's amazing how one person can change your life in such a short amount of time. He could've added something wonderful. He could've become a larger part of my life. He could've been lucky enough to have me at his side forever, but he brought me negativity, new scars, and heartbreak instead. 
 

That's alright, a lot of good has come from the pain he caused. I'm learning how to protect myself from men like him in the future. I am learning how to address my issues and protect myself without changing all of the wonderful things he failed to appreciate. I didn't deserve the way he treated me. It happened anyway. I'm dealing with it the best way I know how.
 

I used to wish the relationship and discard never happened; I don't anymore. It hurts that it happened, but look at what good I've made with the ugliness he dished out! I'm glad that I am supporting others who appreciate the kindness and care he took advantage of. 
 

Maybe one day I will trust again and a good man will enter my life to stay, maybe not. Either way I'm going to be ok, even if I'm not feeling my absolute best today.
 

The day he left me a part of my soul broke off. I cannot deny that the scar tissue taking over is nothing short of miraculous. It is incredible because even though it hurts and isn't easy, it is still something beautiful, good, and strong..no matter what he or any other cruel person has to say about it.

 

What D.B. refers to as 'my baggage' and 'damage' is heavier now, but it is nothing for me to be ashamed of. I am proud of it, because I am still here. My heart won.

I won, because no amount of baggage or damage can erase the most beautiful and resilient thing about me, my good heart. The heart that someone will be wise enough to cherish the way I cherished the wrong man. No amount of 'baggage' or 'damaged goods' will keep a strong, good man from wanting, appreciating, and adoring me for being EXACTLY the way I am.

 

D.B. failed me, not everyone else will. And I won't fail myself by listening to the words spewed out by someone with malicious intent.
 

I refuse to give up and become less just because someone even more broken than myself couldn't manage to see what was right in front of him. I am not conceited or crazy enough to think I am perfect or simple, but the man who broke my heart deprived himself of something incredible when he chose to run away from me. He lost what he was lucky to have in the first place. No, he didn't lose it, he threw it away. He wasted it like a fool.

Happy 41st Birthday D.B,

I truly hope you get whatever it is that brings you your version of joy this year.

The Actual Day

To be written 7/8/21 —

Who knows how I will be feeling when the sun comes up.🤷🏻‍♀️I thought I’d be little depressed, but fine..Now I’m starting to think that sleeping the day away is a great idea.   

 7/8/21:

Well, the sun is up and I’m awake. Rude. Maybe I will just eat a lot and drink the wine I’ve been saving? I think that’s exactly what I’m going to do 😏🍷🍪🌮 

K. The day is over. To summarize, it kind of sucked, but I’m ok.

D.B. reappeared and got me loopy. So I'm too deep in denial to be that upset today.