For the sake of my own sanity, I cannot keep believing in something he's never shown me just because I feel it's there. I cannot keep believing in him if all he does is break my heart each time I do. I'm tired of being let down and uncertain.

Sections:

• He's Had Ample Time
  
• What He Did & the Impression It Gave 
  
• Basically-
  

He's Had Ample Time

When he showed up just to leave again recently, I was able to sit back and reflect on how long I've felt stuck in this mess. It's impossible to ignore that it has been an entire year since he officially ended our relationship.
 

If the man actually regretted mistreating me and running off he would have fixed that mistake by now.
 

It's hard to accept he has no heart. It is almost impossible for me not to see more to him than what seems to actually be there. But it is time for me to cut my feelings out of the equation so I can figure out who and what it was that I loved so desperately. It's time for me to ignore all care I have for him for a moment and to focus on the facts. It is time for me to judge who he is based on how he has behaved. 

On our first date he told me to pay attention to what he does more than what he says. I need a reality check in regards to who this man actually is. I do not think I will like this... Actions reflect who you are. As do words, unless they're constantly being contradicted by your actions. 

If my conclusions about him are incorrect, then he did an absolutely horrible job representing himself! I’m going to trust what he’s shown me, not what I want to believe, or the hope he used to provide. All that follows is what his actions have shown me.

What He Did & the Impression It Gave 

If I let him know I was lonely, he'd get angry.
 

If I told him he'd hurt me, he'd get angry.

If I said I didn't understand, he'd get angry.

If I asked him to call, he'd get angry.

If I asked if he was ok, he'd get angry.

If I said I was insecure, he'd get angry.

If I told him I adored him, he'd get angry.

If I asked how he felt, he'd get angry.

If I shared my concerns, he'd get angry.

If I asked why he was mad, he'd get angrier.

If I asked where we stood, he'd get angry.

If I wanted to talk, he'd get angry.

If I let him know I was sad, he'd get angry.

If I told him the truth, he'd get angry.

If I asked not to be ignored, he'd get angry.

If I stood up for myself, he'd get angry.

If I needed help, he'd get angry.

If I wanted affection, he'd get angry.

If I made a mistake, he'd get angry.

If I did everything right, he'd get angry.

If I got mad, he'd get angry.

If I was happy, he'd get angry.

If disagreed, he'd get angry.

If I saw his mistakes, he'd get angry.

If I begged him to stay, he'd get angry.

If I tiptoed around him, he'd get angry.

If I didn't tiptoe around, he'd get angry.

If I expected a good partner, he'd get angry.

If I disapproved of insults, he'd get angry.

If I was playful, he'd get angry.

If I wasn't playful, he'd get angry.

If I relied on him, he'd get angry.

If I didn't rely on him, he'd get angry.

If I tried my best, he'd get angry.

If I wasn't at my best, he'd get angry.

If I expected better, he'd get angry.

If I expected worse, he'd get angry.

If I didn't confine myself, he'd get angry.

If I didn't meet standards, he'd get angry.

If I reacted to the abuse, he'd get angry.

If I wanted him to give, he'd get angry.

If I was vulnerable, he'd get angry.

If I was sincere, he'd get angry.

If I became timid, he'd get angry.

If I'd be bold, he'd get angry.

If he scared me, he'd get angry.

If I wasn't scared of him, he'd get angry.

If I tried to heal, he'd get angry.

If I wasn't healed, he'd get angry.

If I denied myself, he'd get angry.

If I was myself, he'd get angry.

He was always angry. 

Nothing I ever felt, did or wanted met his approval..I failed, angered, and disappointed him no matter what I did or didn't do. He was an impossible walking contradiction. 

I was never deemed good enough for him to speak to, want, miss, forgive, make time for, or try for.

All of his inconsistencies, angry outbursts, & harsh disapproval made it seem to me that:

He is untrustworthy and does not trust.

He is extremely dishonest, but will call you a liar.
 

He is unreliable, but must always be able to depend on you.

He underestimates others, but expects everyone to have full faith in him.

He has no compassion for the struggles of others, but acts like he is owed endless accommodations once he makes his personal troubles known.

He has no remorse for his wrongs, but he wants you drowning in regret, guilt and shame for both your errors and his.

He judges others harshly for any and all character flaws, but ignores when he has the exact same ones amplified.

He is always unhappy and unkind, but expects you to remain upbeat and enjoyable company.

He speaks of how hard his life is, while he is busy making your life hell.

Nobody is good enough or lives up to his standards, but he expects to be wanted, approved of, and admired by everyone else.

He never appreciates, but can always complain about what he doesn't have.

He feels inconvenienced and disgusted by the most basic needs of others, yet cares nothing about the extremes he makes others go through to meet his endless and impossible demands.

He sets you up to lose, yet brags when he wins.

He says he doesn't quit, but that's all he's ever done.

He is neglectful, exhausting and antagonistic, but becomes outraged when you finally snap or criticize his toxic ways.

He says "That's just not who I am" right after describing exactly who he has been being.

He says he will prove himself to you, but the only thing he ever proves is that he won't.

He only puts forth effort if it'll get him whatever prize he is after in that moment . Any energy he chooses to expend is fueled by whatever he wants or feels he deserves.

He is always irritable and demanding.

He has justifications for anything and everything bad he does..and conveniently the reasoning never is directly because he made a bad choice or has poor character..It is always a situation, a person, or struggle that made him mess up..never truly him. But if you mess up.. and have a valid reason for part of it...it is 100% on you for being a crazy selfish person unworthy of his company.

He is quick to turn your pain into something that offends and 'hurts' him.

He turns everything around until it all faces the direction he wants it to..And the direction he chooses just so happens to always make you look bad, and him look good/correct.

He thinks he knows best.

He feels nothing, or very little..

He takes without hesitation like it is his right, but never even considers for a moment that it is your right to receive too.

He has the right to do whatever the hell he wants, but you only have the right to do what is right for him.

He views everything as a competition, and even imagines you are attempting to play the same game he is, no matter how pure your intentions are.

He enjoys petty cruelty and inflicting unnecessary pain. 

He refuses to compromise or truly listen. All he hears are attacks and challenges that aren't even being made.

He finds anyone's request for his respect, to be tremendously disrespectful towards him.

He has no patience, but requires ALL of yours.

He rejects unconditional love and all good he manages to pull into his orbit.

He looks down on everyone, but demands to be looked up at.

He says he fears commitment, but really it's just that he doesn't want to do it because he's too selfish to do the right thing when it doesn't yield something for him..Commitment means it won't always revolve around him getting his way. Commitment is surrendering the complete control he values more than anything else..or anyone.

He fits the textbook description of a vulnerable/covert narcissist..which makes me sad, not mad.

He never loved me.

He hates me.

He'd rather attack, betray and abandon, than love, respect, or commit.

When he had the opportunity to love me, trust me, and have me, he chose to belittle, betray and run.

He will cause any degree of harm to someone else, as long as it gets him what he wants/ helps him avoid what he fears. As long as he is ok with it, any wrong he does is perfectly acceptable..

He insists on being the final authority on standards of morality, fairness, and the truth.

He controls all, and can't stand when you attempt to maintain control of yourself, or when you dare to expect any say in the relationship.
 

He finds your right to equality offensive and undeserved.

He treats your independence, and desire to be treated humanely, as a direct attack.

He acts like respecting others lowers his ranking..Like caring and behaving like an honorable human being is weak and beneath him. Which all just exposes his delusional ranking system. Life is not the military, and your interactions with others is no a game. Is his logic be number one or you're nobody? Nobody is number one bud. We all matter the same amount.

The fact that whomever he crushed is damaged and scarred means absolutely nothing to him-because it isn't him.

He made me feel like a stupid, worthless burden. I pretty much never felt wanted, appreciated or secure. He as a partner provided me with absolutely nothing other than a full-time job babying and obeying him. He gave me nothing, but still frequently acted like he was doing me a favor by being around..He acted like I was undeserving of his time and effort.

His involvement in our relationship consisted of him telling me how difficult of a time he was having, and him giving grand speeches after ignoring me for too long or lashing out..that's about it. He did zero nurturing or maintenance required for a legitimate relationship.

Hurting me was the only thing he did consistently. He frequently accused me of things only a selfish, bad person would do...even though I had never been unkind, dishonest or selfish towards him. I only started developing an 'attitude' a couple of months after the main discard. Can you blame me?!?

He would make me feel on top of the world, and then immediately disappear. I'd be desperately awaiting relief for days or weeks. 

Then right after he'd provide it, he'd be cruel again and cause me to require even more relief (reassurance) than before. I was always waiting to be alright again, because he made my life miserable.

He'd attack me and say I was attacking him any time I disclosed my feelings regarding the discomfort, confusion and sadness caused by the state of our relationship.

If I shared that I needed anything, he'd get aggressive and twist the conversation to focus only on how my needs were taking away from his.. 

He loved to leave whenever I'd let him l know how badly I wanted him to stay.

He shamed me for anything I wanted, felt or did.

He claimed he adored me, but constantly pointed out all the things that weren't up to his standards. 

He never approved of me being myself. So..I wasn't appreciated for who I am, nor was I accepted as is. I was never enough..I was always made to feel like a disappointing annoyance.

He made me chase him, when I should have been someone he was fighting to hold onto.

He would be the cruelest when I made it clear I was in my most vulnerable state. He attacked, abandoned, and crushed whenever it was obvious it would cause me serious damage.

He always needed to get his way, but if I wanted my way he'd make me pay big time for even suggesting it.
 

He always made excuses for his horrible behavior. Usually pity inducing reasons for his cruelty and neglect. That way if I called him out on the mistreatment or requested more effort..I'd always fall into the role of the insensitive bad partner.
 
His issues and fears were to be known, considered and tiptoed around..but sharing my fears and issues was offensive and an inconvenience he didn't have to put up with.

He could show up whenever he wanted and without warning, but you had to abide to his schedule. God forbid his brother be late to dinner, but it was totally ok for my ex to not show up for a date or to not call after he said he would. According to him, it was everyone else who was inconsiderate, failing by not being 'on the clock'..(his schedule)
He is quick to point out the selfishness and shortcoming of others..when he is more selfish than anyone I've ever known. 

Example- His nephew wanted to shower at his place, and my ex got so mad that his nephew was wanting to shower there because his house was closer..D.B. went on about how that was so selfish blah blah..The opportunist shaming a relative for wanting to avoid driving 30minutes out of his way so his day could go more smoothly..I couldn't believe what I was hearing him complain about. 

- How about when he drove off instead of picking me up for our date because it was too much of a bother to wait for me??
What about how selfish, hurtful, and inconvenient that was for ME?? Along with all of the million other painful things he did that caused me harm because his world revolves around himself??? Really baby.. really? You shaming anyone for being selfish is kind of silly at this point...

Basically, All He Has Shown Me Is

He does not care, nor does he want to.
 

He is angry.
 

He is bitter.
 

He disapproves of everyone.

He thinks he know best and should never be bothered or tied down like the rest of us.
 

He wants nothing, yet everything at the same time.
 

He rages at the slightest sign of being 'disrespected' all while disrespecting everyone else far worse and far more frequently without any true justification..
 

He hates with gusto, but he loves with nothing except for within the tiny moments when he is getting what he wants.

I never meant anything real to him, because the level he functions on is false and vapid. 
 

He doesn't want or care about a meaningful existence.
 

I was never loved or cared for. I was an aid to help him feel powerful and in control. I was something to enjoy, and then to degrade and shame so he could feel blameless and free. I was another pastime and an excuse for him to behave poorly. I was an outlet for his rage. I was more fuel for his sad story when he sits back and feels victimized instead of like someone who victimizes others. I was a lie to distract himself. I was an easy target..
 

He didn't see me, unless the view made him feel how he wanted to feel on a moment by moment basis..and even then his vision was distorted. I was something to be twisted to fit what he was in the mood for.
 

I was never treated as a loving, feeling, worthy person.. I was treated like a thing he wanted to use to help himself until he found someone, excuse me-something-that could 'help him' feel better. But he is never satisfied, nothing is ever enough, nobody is ever just right.
 

No matter how good he has it, or how good of a partner he manages to snag, he will still think he deserves more and better..because he can never find anything to make him feel ok when he's sitting still. Maybe sitting still with himself for too long could cause him to realize that he lives within a massive lie he has always told himself? He cannot face himself without help, but he doesn't want help.
 

I was mistreated and exploited. 
 

Another person isn't supposed to be utilized to satisfy yourself.. People aren't supposed to be used at all. People are supposed to be loved. People matter.
 

My pain, joy, and peace matter— that just never mattered to him. I was reduced to entertainment and an occasional convenience.. Sometimes an inconvenient burden, other times a scapegoat and emotional punching bag.

He treated me like nothing, because that's how he saw me. He saw me as nothing of substance or value. He saw me about as well as he sees the reality of who he is being within his worst moments.
 

Whether he is highly narcissistic with unresolved issues, a sociopath/psychopath, or suffering with only God knows what..No matter what troubles or mindset he possesses, it doesn't change that he matters..and that I want him to be alright.
 

It also means that it is highly likely that he has been far gone for a very long time, and that he has no plan to come back. He broke and ran away from real life for a reason I will never know. But no matter the reason, no matter if he is pure evil, or just purely messed up, I forgive him.
 

He has my forgiveness and love, but I know I deserve much better than what he did to my heart and mind.This is why I say he was lucky I was around and wanted him..because he was. He treated me horribly. He did not deserve the time of someone he only wanted to hurt.
 

He failed to appreciate what he was fortunate enough to have, and then he shoved it away, turned his nose up and ran. That was his mistake to make. 
 

Sadly, I don't think he is capable of doing anything good properly. How can he do the right thing when his hate and anger makes him treat everyone so very wrong??
 

I have to accept that the things I wrote at my angriest moments were likely 99% accurate. I have to accept that my worst fears regarding who he was, are probably exactly who he really is.

He does not care about me, he never did. He liked hurting me. His heart feels nothing, so he was not at all troubled by constantly misleading and crushing mine.
 

This is what I hate accepting.That the good I see is a complete lie. It's a hope, and a want..instead of reality. 
 

Nothing he has shown me supports what I feel and wish to be there. So I'm going to work on accepting that only the bad was ever real

Related Pages: