An Old Fantasy
Sections:
- The Fantasy
- Hopes Change Expectations
- A Better Dream
The Fantasy
I've always had a deep hunger for kindness, acceptance, and companionship. I've always longed to have someone learn me on a real level as I’m allowed to learn them.
Most of my nights as a teen and young adult I had this fantasy I used to fall asleep thinking about. I constantly felt rejected and lonely, so I'd imagine what it would be like to simply be held and cared for. I'd often lay in bed making up stories in my head until I fell asleep. The stories that ran through my mind were always similar..
I'd be laying their with my eyes closed playing make believe—
I’d dream up a world in which there was someone who genuinely loved me back. I'd think up romanticized situations in which we'd be doing things I was too scared to do in real life. I'd imagine myself and my partner going on walks, or to museums, movies, plays, and even to see an orchestra perform. Sometimes he and I would simply be sitting snuggled up together.. I felt immense peace at the thought of someone holding me. I'd imagine things I wish I had to share with someone else. I would think of all I’d have to say if I actually had someone to talk to.
I'd enjoy my daydreams, but then sometimes the pain of realizing how lonely I was would fill me with despair.
There were many times that instead of falling asleep to my beautiful thoughts, I'd cry myself to sleep after realizing everything I thought up and yearned for would likely never be mine. I'd sob at the unbearable pain of being in this life completely alone. There'd be no one there to console me. I had no friend to reach out to, and no way to be granted relief from the silence and emptiness. So I'd just cry until I wasn't awake anymore.
I've learned to bear that hopelessness better with time, mostly just because I have unintentionally mastered disassociation to get by.
The Fairytale I've Always Wanted
In my ideal fantasy I'd meet a nice, honest, loyal, and passionate man.
He and I would both enthusiastically jump at the opportunity to get to know one another. We’d exchange numbers and begin communicating.
My suitor would show his interest and be straightforward about what he is looking for/his intentions. He would enjoy spending time with me, and I would cross his mind throughout his day.
It would start off as a fun infatuation and those rose-colored glasses..You know, the blissful stage at the start of anything new. :) We’ll become like best friends.. fully enamored. There’d be no fights yet. But then..it would get to the best stage of all, the stage that involves depth and comfort with one another.
After some time we’d both feel safe with one another. There’d sometimes be disagreements and hurt feelings, but those would always be followed by heartfelt apologies, accountability, and healthy compromise. (making up would be a major plus 😉) We’d resolve misunderstandings or grievances respectfully.. with the intent to heal fractures, not to ‘win’ or intentionally belittle the other for faltering.
We’d have days of near perfection and romance, as well as days filled with boredom or annoyance.
Sometimes we’d adore everything about each other, and other times we’d drive each other crazy. No matter if a day be good or bad.. the one constant would be that we love each other. Not puppy love..not mere lust.. but real love- the kind that is a choice.
You don’t always like the one you love..at least not every second of the day all year round.. People get mad. People make mistakes and hurt one another.. But if people have authentic love for their partner..the negatives should never change that.
The positives in a scenario like my fantasy far outweigh all the effort, patience, and selflessness required to love someone right.
My dream is to meet someone who wants to know me, and then doesn’t turn their back on me once they do.
I desire to have a good hearted man love me the way I love. The kind of love that no temptation, anger, struggle, or disappointment could ever lessen. I’d adore to be loved correctly. To be considered, respected, appreciated, and desired.
Now that I’ve written out my fantasy.. it really doesn’t seem too unrealistic or selfish. I just want to be loved properly. No lies, constant selfishness, or disloyalty.
I think my mistake hasn’t really been wanting what I want, but more so that I want it so badly that I forget to pay attention to what’s actually going on around me.. I wanted that love so badly that when Dean said he wanted it too I believed him, even though his hateful behavior was concrete evidence that he surely did not.
Another flaw regarding my sweet fantasy is that I want authentic love so badly that I let my disappointment with its absence manifest as a type of entitlement. Once more, oooops. 😬 At least I know and care. I’ll try to do better until better is actually done.
Hopes Change Expectations
Obviously, having such an intensely unfulfilled basic need for care isn’t anyone else’s problem. It never has been, but knowing that doesn’t get rid of my awareness of what’s been missing. People deserve to be known and cared for. It’s simply unfortunate that I’ve always gravitated towards people who don’t seem to care about me. I need to stop that.
Having gone without essential parts of the human experience for so long means I don't merely want affection and companionship, I am starving for it.
What happens if you are on an insanely strict diet for many months, then suddenly you can have your favorite junk food? You’re very likely to over indulge.. maybe binge eat and even make yourself sick or fat.
Now.. imagine going without real socializing or close interpersonal relationships for your entire life. What’s likely to happen when a friendship or relationship is suddenly a possibility? Well, you may become incredibly eager, nervous, ..and awkward. You may push too hard or move too fast..
OR you might freak out over all the unknowns because you don’t know what the hell you’re supposed to do. You could get overwhelmed, go into a panic, and run.. fuss.. or freeze up like a weirdo.
After waiting and hoping for something like the fantasy I wrote about in the previous section, it is hard for me to not want certain things to occur differently.
Last year when I developed a crush on a man..my daydreaming and hopes went wild! I thought.. “Oh my God, what if he’s not another asshole.” 😂 I started to imagine in a way similar to how I used to to put myself to sleep. I wasn’t imagining for the same reason, or only at night.. but I couldn't stop myself from imagining what it would be like to be treated with kindness and to be appreciated instead of forgotten and taken for granted.
The idea of what I’d always wanted (a best friend/caring partner) ended up fusing with my idea of this stranger. It wasn’t something I was 100% aware of. I caught myself and tried to stop my mind from running wild, but damn he excited me.
Anyway, then when I was lucky enough to get a chance to speak more with him my mind couldn’t stop comparing/contrasting against the romantic adventure I’d hoped for.
I’d hoped I was desired and about to be pursued and finally experience being like.. courted. 😂 I’m not saying me wanting to be courted was wrong, I’m saying I somehow let my hopes bleed over into what I expected to take place. Which left me disappointed in the little mess that unfolded between us. I thought he was into me, so I expected him to act like it when the semester ended.
We’re on friendly terms now, so I’m not trying to be mean by calling our friendship (or whatever it is) a mess.. I’m saying that I shouldn’t have projected my wants and dreams onto a man.. He is an individual with his own wants and dreams.
I shouldn’t have let my hopes and feelings cloud my head and make me assume he’d want the same thing. Not everyone wants to find a meaningful relationship. Not everyone feels their purpose in this life is to love and be loved. I have no idea why I always absentmindedly assume differently. That’s my error.
A Better Dream
Realistic vs. Resigned
I'm no longer expecting the romantic aspect of my fantasy to happen any time soon. I realize I'm not getting any younger, but I'd rather wait and possibly get married at an older age than rush and end up with the wrong person. I’ll be sure to take my time learning a man before allowing myself to dive in with all I’ve got. I want to love again, but not carelessly.
My new dream revolves a lot more around..well, ME. The only thing I cannot fix by myself is the loneliness, but as long as I'm fulfilled elsewhere living happily with that ache shouldn't be impossible. I want to be happy with myself, even when I’m by myself.
Accepting, respecting, and admiring myself has the ability to bring me much peace and happiness. I need to find a way to love myself the way I've never hesitated to love somebody else.
I want to see the good in myself and my potential. I've written things of this nature before, like in my 2021 post THANKS, but I need so many frequent reminders because it is astonishingly easy for me to forget that I am a good human being possessing strengths and worth.
I lose myself more easily when I'm hurting. I forget that I matter just as much as everyone else does. I forget that I have the right to not feel ashamed for existing imperfectly. I forget that I am more than good enough already, even if past wounds plague me with thoughts to the contrary.
I forget to work on loving myself, likely due to the fact that I've never fully reached that point. It is hard to put in the level of effort required when it is something I have very little practice with.. and obviously no mastery of.
I can love you with ample patience, passion, and generosity all day long with ease because I already naturally care for others- BUT to love myself just as courteously with ease will take many years of consistent practice. It'll take determination and self-honesty.
Realistically I know it will always be something I’ll have to work on and fight against myself over. I’ll never be done working on it. I’m aware It'll often be challenging, but I deserve my own love and effort too. Whomever else is smart enough to love me one day will deserve me at my best as well..(although they'd better be able to love me at my worst too! lol)
I've put so much energy and effort into loving people that never bothered trying to love me back. Pshh.. My turn. I will satisfy myself better than they ever could've. I am capable of that much.
My dream is to take care of myself and smile with my head held high in certainty of where I'm going, regardless of where someone else may insist I'm destined to end up.
I'm going high, and they can stay down low convincing themselves I'm nothing in order to feel better about the fact that they cannot pull their heads out of their own asses long enough to reach the fantastic place I'll actually be. They can stay in their unreal reality and call me pathetically unimpressive as I learn, mature, and succeed despite their inability to see and admire that I'm doing just that.
I have done good things, even if a couple of angry individuals throughout the years have tried to convince me I'm not capable of doing anything. I'll continue to do good things, even if on occasion hateful words leave me feeling like I'm failing just because I make mistakes and have flaws.
Sometimes the pain others left behind does indeed turn me around and rattle me..but it still never wins. I may break down from time to time, but I'm at least solid enough to put myself back together and admire my craftsmanship. :P
Anyone who see's the beautiful way I've mended myself back together yet still views me as too broken is someone failing to realize they've been stricken blind. It takes strength to heal and grow. There's nothing weak or broken about admitting to feeling pain and having vulnerabilities.
When I get lost for hours, weeks, or many months at a time, I fight through the struggle of trying to comprehend what's going on and what I'm supposed to do.
While lost I might collapse for a length of time and curl up crying in hopes a loving person will hear my sorrow and come 'save me'/help me find my way out of the miserable confusion. And yet, thus far I've always managed to inevitably snap out of it, get off my pitifully broken down ass, and pull myself out of that wretched place on my own.
As I've said before, I can be my own damn hero- and I have been numerous times.
If someone cannot see anything remarkable about me being the sweet, goofy, and stubborn woman I am today despite my pains and experiences...well, then they can stay oblivious to my worth..but my ass sure as hell doesn't plan to!
I see me. I'm not perfect or simple, but I'm fucking fantastic. I light up like the sun as soon as I feel safe with a person. I give, cherish, and devote myself like nobody’s business. A man will only fit into my new dream if he is able to accurately see me too. Until then, I'll meet my own needs and make sure I keep reminding myself of who I am so no punk ass man-child can ever convince me I'm less than again.
Watch out y'all! -The real me is coming back out in full force. I won't be stopped by the fact that I know one day I'll lose myself for a moment. I'm here now and I'll hold onto myself tightly enough to be able to figure out exactly where I've gone if something painful ever should arise. I've got this.
Wait.. if loving myself is my new dream.. then that means once I get really good at it I will literally be a dream come true.
Bahahaha! Omg.. I'm a dork. That's ok. It's perfection. My type of perfection. :)