Sections:

• Where I Go

• If I Could Do That

• So Agreeable

Where I Go
Distractions & Disconnection

I’m not very functional right now. I'm here, but I feel like I'm forcing myself to get through each long day instead of actually actively being a part of my own life. I wish I could explain this better; you know I'll try to—
 

Where have I been? Just desperately wanting to move forward and achieve, all whilst living at a standstill.
  

I've been in quicksand. I've been going back and forth between either trying to climb out of it or trying to convince myself I'm not sinking.
  

I keep busy.. even when it seems like I’m not doing much of anything. I always find a way to mentally be somewhere else entirely as I engage in compulsive behavior. 
 

I do my makeup, fill my online shopping cart, watch shows, play video games, eat, set smaller goals, or sit lost in an obsessive line of thought. I always find something to keep me distracted from whichever aspect of real life has me feeling overwhelmed.
 

I struggle to focus on what I know on some level I need to do to move ahead, yet manage to hyper focus on whatever activity keeps me distant from all that needs to be done. 
 

I’m so tired of escaping, because I end up hitting the exact same wall I’m fleeing from the moment I think I’m over it and done. Without any certain direction I end up creating circles in the ground that only reflect how frivolously I run. 
 

There has to be a way to put an end to this madness. I need a better view. I have to find a way to stop holding myself back. I want more than bursts of productivity.. I want to be able to make progress consistently. 
 

Writing is another way for me to escape. I’m not a fantastic writer.. Lord knows my endless comma splices and typos can attest to that… but I still do enjoy to write out my thoughts. I find this form of expression very soothing. Sometimes I overuse this outlet as yet another way to avoid stressful responsibilities.
So.. I’ll go get some things done and then resume this writing later on tonight or tomorrow. :) 

I’m back—

I go through periods in which I avoid reading over some of my older posts. That way I can carry on oblivious to the repression of many thoughts I’ve pushed out of my mind’s focus. 
 

I literally cannot remember all of the feelings and thoughts I possess regarding certain things. I manage to just keep existing in this uncomfortable state I’ve been in for majority of this past year.
 

It’s been strange. I’ve had many consecutive good days, maybe even good weeks, but vast majority of the time I’ve been spaced out. Most of the time I don’t feel engaged in the moment as it’s taking place. I don’t like it. It’s like there’s this thick barrier between myself and whatever is currently going on around me.
 

1.) Having D.B. around for months didn’t help at all.. No shocker there. Me making that toxic choice is always triggering and adds damage. Sometimes I just imagine he actually cares about me.  
  

2.) My son’s diagnosis got to me. Not so much his diagnosis, but I feel horrible for not having him evaluated sooner. He’s doing great.. he’s an incredibly smart, funny, and happpy kid, but for some reaon I feel like I failed him by being too hard on him in the past. I wish I would’ve known so I could’ve intervened and helped him make adjustments earlier on. He’s got the sweetest heart in the world, and I feel like I added some bruises to it by failing to understand his perspective sooner. I should’ve listened to him better.
  

3.) The stress of having to temporarily leave school has really knocked me down. Being in school helped me see myself making progress. It brought me peace to know I was working towards something important. It was an accomplishment I could be proud of, as well as a significant way to better my circumstances.
 

4.) Being interested in a man got me all mixed up too. That’s not to say I never want to be interested. It means, due to past experiences, men stress me the fuck out no matter how amazing they are. The thought of wanting someone, potentially working up to trying, trusting, and God forbid..loving, is terrifying. Even if things were to go perfectly I’d still be triggered a lot at first. Being slightly open to romantic possibilities is enough to make me want to go into permanent hiding and swear off the entire concept of the type of partnership I’ve always wanted. I won’t , but the fear and desire to protect myself can create such an urge. Slow and steady is needed, but that's not exactly something I have experience with 😂.
 

5.) The weight gain. The happier I feel the slimmer I get. My poor handling of stress and shame make me bloat up and pack on the pounds pretty rapidly. Usually only happens every few years. Still.. my body was one less thing for me to feel I failed at..until I gained weight. There are far worse things in life than being chubby, but I’m an asshole to myself..so I feel like a total loser when I thicken up. I feel I should have mastered managing my weight by now and possess the awareness to stop damaging my body while I’m spiraling down in a depressive episode. But nope.

Gaining weight makes me feel very bad about myself. Not because I think I look horrible or anything, but because I feel like I cannot do anything right..even something as basic as choosing the proper types of food to put into my mouth. I don’t feel this way about other people struggling with weight..just myself. If someone else gains weight I empathize and am unbothered..but if I gain weight I feel I deserve to be shunned. Aint that healthy!?? Stupid disordered way of thinking. Ughhhh. I’m working on correcting it. It’s flippn hard.

Of course I have many other stressors and responsibilities just like everyone else does, but the ones I mentioned above comprise the core of what I let get me so.. emotionally wobbly. :P
 

Around and around I go— A little too scared to know which way to go, and a little too confused to know if I actually know what I think I know— ha! 
 

If I Could Do That

I want to give myself a reminder and a wake-up call. 

I was able to devote so much energy, thought, and time into loving my last partner.. so why do I keep settling for how much less effort I provide myself with? I’ve got to do better.

 

Goodness gracious. I swear one day it will stick. I’ll state what I need to do and I will actually manage to frickn’ stay on the right path long enough to make sure it’s done.

I'm being neglected, shamed, doubted, and unappreciated. But instead of it being done by an abusive partner, I'm the one doing it to myself. I'm mistreating myself in the ways I've been mistreated before. 

I can write beautiful things about the good I possess, yet on a regular basis I treat myself with nothing but disrespect. I keep speaking about self love. There have been many times I've tried so hard that I could almost really feel it, but then the way I treat myself like crud comes back around to kill it. It's time for me to learn something new. 
 

So Agreeable

My last relationship made me very aware of the danger of being overly accommodating and meek with certain types of people.
 

If he asked anything of me I’d inevitably abide and provide.
 

I always did things on his terms, and learned that my own terms (AKA-attempted boundary setting/expressed need) was unacceptable. Always his way. Always for him. All about what was easiest and most desirable to him. Never any consideration for me unless it was convenient.
 

I’m doing whatever I can to avoid ever playing that game again. I am considerate, patient, and accommodating.. but I need to be fair to myself by only being that way to a reasonable degree. I have the right to want, need, and disapprove. 
 

I struggle to speak my mind the way I did before. I'll share some feelings and thoughts at times, but on a regular basis I find myself holding back casual, silly thoughts I know I shouldn't be too afraid to share.
 

I want to joke about things. I want to talk about what I'm happy about, what I'm looking forward to, and what's going on throughout my day. I want to be able to share things just to enjoy someone's company and relax by not monitoring everything I say. Anxiety blows.
 

I want to be myself with no apologies (unless I actually harm someone), but it is hard to not get stuck in old patterns.. like avoiding being a bother at all costs. It's such bullshit. I watch what I say and exert all this mental energy trying to be considerate and non-problematic for others, while the people I'm considering usually don’t even care about how their own words and actions impact me. I want to stop doing that!
 

I want to be my talkative, playful, earnest self. Yes, I have serious thoughts and struggle with things, but I'm content a lot of times just talking with a nice person and enjoying the parts of life that don't suck.
 

ANYWAY...I guess the main point should be that even if someone dislikes me
and couldn't care less about my thoughts, I should still continue to be myself.
 

If I am myself..and it scares someone off, I still need to remain certain that I don't need to alter myself and my words to be 'good enough' and worth wanting..because the right people will like me and want me around. If I do wrong or cause harm, the right people will confront me about it so we can resolve the issue respectfully.
 

I have the right to be myself and have standards for how I am treated. I have the right to make a fuss.. I have the right to screw up. One day someone will care enough about me to talk things through… even when I'm in the wrong. Someone will share their point of view without degrading or disregarding mine. 
 

I need to stop being so damn scared to speak up, because one day the right person will actually hear me. I'm worth someone's time, effort, desire, forgiveness, and care. So...there- 😜
 

I don't need to always be too afraid to rock the boat or piss someone off.. You know what, people I care for anger me sometimes too. Who cares? But if any friend or man can't handle me being imperfect and occasionally frustrating then why the hell do they think anyone should be courteous towards their imperfect ass too? 
 

Sometimes I'm wrong, and sometimes I'm right. Sometimes I’m easy going, and sometimes I’m a hectic mess of overpowering emotions. If I can accept people flaws and all, I need to stop trying to be perfectly pleasing at all times because I will never please everyone. Plus, some people won't be pleased even if you manage to be damn near perfect anyway! lol

If I speak up and say something hurts..and the person ignores me or insults my feelings instead of trying to understand where I'm coming from.. that wouldn't be my fault.
  

I'm willing to hear someone else out, consider, and compromise. I deserve the same. 
 

I need to be able to calm myself down and keep an open mind, but it’s not always easy. I’m trying. An open mind has allowed some horrible things to take place in my life. As has being vulnerable about my feelings. I cannot trust a stranger. I have to know someone to trust them.. I cannot get to know someone if they only ever disappear.

I'm scared to speak up a lot of the time in regards to issues both big and small, but I am going to speak up anyway. I need to. What I need matters. I need company that doesn’t fail to want and appreciate mine.
 

I worry about enough.

I need to stop trying to be so damn pleasing all of the time in order to prove I’m worthwhile.. I am worthwhile. Someone will either see that, or they won’t. It’s out of my control.