I've started going through this book with my therapist- The Complex PTSD Workbook. I highly recommend it if you have similar struggles. Please be aware that you may get triggered by the educational content and exercises. I think it's worth it as long as you have a healthy coping mechanism in place. 🖤

My Answers

( Questions 1-5)

1.) What avoidance symptoms (denial repression, idealization, minimization, addictions, dissociation) do you experience? In what ways do these symptoms get in the way of you living the life you want?

MY ANSWER:

DENIAL/MINIMIZATION-
about severity of both the trauma and its impact.
  

REPRESSION- 

Well, yeh. Idealization to an extent helps me view loved ones in a nearly "all good" light? I feel guilt for pinpointing wrongs they did and feel like I'm making excuses or blaming them for my failures and flaws.
 

ADDICTIONS- 

Food and emotional eating..but I've had my weight under control for a decade now.. Still a little overweight, but nothing dangerously unhealthy. Sometimes any new activity or distraction can become an addiction of sorts because obsessive focus can kick in during anxiety inducing circumstances.
 

DISSOCIATION- 

Almost always, especially since my last relationship. Time stuck, flies or lost. Obsessive focus on distractions numb and cut off from everything else. Can just sit in a room alone for hours, doing nothing. Nothing on my phone. No food. No T.V. No book..Just sitting there feeling frozen and unable to escape the tension that's keeping me still. That's a newer symptom, it developed during my time with D.B. It's getting less severe, and less frequent. Now it gets 'triggered' instead of being a constant. I always felt frozen in that relationship. Frozen and smothered by some awful unease.
 

2.) What intrusive symptoms (anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, emotional dysregulation, interpersonal problems) do you experience? In what way(s) do these symptoms interfere with your life now?

MY ANSWER:

ANXIETY- 

Stressed when I'm around others because I'm embarrassed to be seen. I'm also not sure how I'm supposed to act sometimes. It makes me feel like an awkward idiot. Never quite sure if I'm doing the right thing, or doing it in the right way for the right reason..and on and on. It's a lot. Feel I'm tiptoeing around life, too afraid to take full steps because I don't want to bother anyone with the sound or my presence.
 

ASHAMED- 

Too odd. A loser. Constant nervous energy. I joke a lot for relief from the tension I carry. I want to laugh and think less, it helps.
 

HYPERVIGILANCE- 

Guarded, timid, nervous, preparing for the worst even when trying hard to hope for the best. Always waiting for others to dislike me, insult me, shame me, reject me, hate me, and avoid me. Always trying to be sure to not be a bother or put myself in too vulnerable of a position. Always waiting for things to go badly. Especially since my last relationship. I haven't been this afraid of people in a very long time, or ever. I can't really settle down. I just want to rest and feel secure, but I'm so nervous and unsure. I just want to know it'll all be alright, and that I'm not so bad. I want to know people. I want someone to know me. Even before my last relationship, although I was much happier, my mind was always struggling to convince itself that everything was ok, that I was ok.
 

EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATION- 

Oh yes..:/ Easily thrown into prolonged intense emotional states. Overwhelming. Alters/controls my behavior. Difficulty settling down, or transitioning back to 'baseline' when feelings are strong(most of mine are) Its..exhausting. Often I'll sort of 'lock up?" Feel easily hurt, rejected, too flawed. Quick to assume the worst and react accordingly.. with sadness, resignation, anger/annoyance and defiance? Very often overwhelmed by painful and confusing emotions. I don't know what to do with them, or why I can't stop experiencing them. It's been so much worse over the past two years, but it's always been pretty bad. It's why I hide. I know something is wrong with me.
 

INTERPERSONAL PROBLEMS- 

Yes.. Big fat yes. all of my relationships have been abusive. I've only had three of them. the first two took place 2010-2013. Have had no other true social bonds/friends. Self-isolation has been my way of life. I hate it. I'm lonely. I love people, but I'm rarely around any..
  

After those first two relationships I'd kept to myself for many years. I spent that time trying to become a better, stronger person.. It helped a lot. but I didn't realize my goal shouldn't have been me chasing 'becoming good enough' to earn friends and romantic love... My goal needed to be to heal why I felt the need to become someone other than who I am.
 

The thing is, before D.B. I hadn't faced or realized the severity of some past traumas.(but that's not why his abuse hurt or why I saw it as abuse. It just gave him something to use against me and shift blame to.) So they hadn't been addressed..
 

I'd only tried to change all the 'bad' parts of myself and to find ways to get over sadness I felt from the past..I had not yet really looked to find the root cause of all that pain and confusion.
 

Before I met my ex, I knew I was 'scarred' from past experiences. I knew I had 'issues' and broken bits, but I didn't realize the depth of WHY..I didn't understand why I didn't let people get to know me.
 

I didn't understand exactly why I was too afraid and doubtful of myself to make connections and socialize with others the way I yearned to.. I didn't see a lot about what was actually wrong..
  

I may have felt more confident and happy before my ex, but I was still keeping to myself. I went to school..I had work friends.. I made people laugh.. I loved being around people in those situations..but beyond work and school I'd retreat to home and never bother trying to do more. I didn't feel like I could or should.
  

I pushed those feelings aside and slipped into denial about why I was doing that. I've always kept to myself. I never saw why. I assumed it was me, I'd been told it was me. I didn't see what made me feel and live this way.. I'm looking at it now. It's not pleasant. But I need to see it. It's helping.
 

I'm letting myself learn exactly why, so I can heal. I'm hoping one day someone will want to know me, because when I start to feel accepted or wanted I begin breathing easier and focusing on more hopeful things.
 

I don't want to have to feel accepted and wanted by others to experience that calmer mental state and optimism.. but I'm not sure how to feel that hopeful on my own yet.
 

I don't think we are made to be all alone. I'm tired of having nobody to talk to. I don't like existing isolated, but I don't know how to go about interacting with people and muting all the shame and doubt that have always been a part of my mind.
 

I don't want to hold onto that mess anymore, I didn't realize I didn't have to. I'm trying to let it all go. I am trying. My inability to function was much worse as a kid and teenager, so I didn't build foundations for friendships then. I didn't make connections through normal life experiences because I didn't allow myself to live enough to have many of them.
 

Well, I've lived a lot, but not in a healthy way.. I've deprived myself of so much because I was molded to believe I wasn't deserving of what everyone else had. I don't know.
 

I have a lot of wounds to heal, but I didn't injure myself, and my 'baggage' doesn't make me too damaged or too broken to be a wonderful person deserving of good things..like acceptance, patience, understanding, and bonds with people.
 

I didn't do anything wrong (not to cause all the 'damage' I'm healing from) I shouldn't get punished for the fact that other people hurt me. I didn't give myself C-PTSD. It's miserably lonely, and not fair. But it's life, and I'll figure it out!
 

Life isn't 'fair' to anyone. I'll find my people and my person one day. At least I can be here for other people going through similar struggles.. At least I can help, but I wish somebody would help me. I'll help me. But me being here for myself just doesn't feel the same. It's still only me walled off by myself. I'll figure this out. I know I will. I'm not too scared to face my fear anymore. Sometimes it may feel like a bit much, but bring it on.
  

3.) What depressive symptoms (hopelessness, despair, depression, powerlessness, lack of self-efficacy, helplessness, shame, unworthiness) do you experience? How do these symptoms show themselves in your life?

MY ANSWER:

All of the above.

HOPELESSNESS & DESPAIR 

only happens when something really bad happens.. like getting abused by a man I trust, or verbally/emotionally abused by someone in my household while standing up for my kid when he's getting mistreated. Prior to my time with D.B, it had been many years since I'd felt that way.
 

SHAME 

is a big one. The levels of shame I've always felt make me want to remain out of sight. But being invisible hurts too. A lot. I'm alone. I have always been very lonely.
 

JUDGMENTAL THOUGHTS 

I've always had about myself are that- I'm stupid, selfish and lazy. I make excuses and blame others when it's actually my fault; everything bad is. I should be better. I'm unwanted because I'm undesirable, too strange, and too difficult. I will burden others. I screw everything up. I'd worked hard to stop seeing myself that way. I thought I had for the most part, but then shortly after entering my last relationship he started accusing of awful things and insulting me.. I suddenly felt all of it again. I felt he was right, and that my worst fears about how terrible and pointless I am must be true. Things have been wrong my entire life so deep down I feel it will never truly be ok.
 

FEELINGS OF WORTHLESSNESS/TOTAL UNWORTHINESS 

have been present since my earliest memories. That's directly connected to the shame that makes me feel I'm too odd, gross, and messed up to be around others or participate in 'normal' things. Even as a young teen I had already accepted my defeat in life and that nobody would want to be my friend or ever love me. I felt too disgusting and ashamed of the way I looked, felt, thought, and acted to ever try to make friends or let people get to really know me.- I let my last boyfriend know me. He hated me. He said that on his birthday (when I was discarded) he'd wanted me to die because he thought I was such a horrible person. He was so angry with me. I still don't understand what I did wrong. I only tried to make him feel loved and appreciated because he was.
 

POWERLESSNESS- 

Well, writing will have to wait for this one. It’s a little too triggering right now. sorry
 

4.) Do you experience any of these physical symptoms? Take some time to write about the impact of C-PTSD on your health or medical history.
 

MY ANSWER:

EXHAUSTION- 

I have felt like I have no energy since I hit high school. Blood pressure isn't great, but only over the past year or two. I'm learning how to calm down and that usually helps lower it a lot.
 

OVERWEIGHT- 

Overeating causes me to struggle with my weight. I usually eat because I'm feeling upset or feeling uneasy, not because I'm actually hungry.
 

INSOMNIA/IRREGULAR SLEEP PATTERNS- 

I struggle to fall asleep when my mind is racing, which can last for several weeks, many months straight, or only a few days a week when all is 'well' My sleep has been screwed up since I met D.B. It's gotten better, but when I experience an additional stressor, the insomnia hits back at me hard.
 

NIGHTMARES- 

Sometimes I have dreams that feel too vivid and wake me up in the middle of the night. Not too often though. When I dream about a specific person, past events, or situations similar to past events, I wake up feeling like something is gnawing away at my stomach. It's a rather unpleasant sensation.
 

HEADACHES- 

I'm not sure if it is related, but I hadn't been as stressed as I became during my relationship with D.B. in many many years (or possibly ever) and I've been experiencing severe headaches often when 'triggered'. It's new.. Maybe it's a coincidence though.

5.) With your increased knowledge of the links between stress, trauma, and emotion and physical health, what are you more aware of now?

MY ANSWER:

A little more than I've ever wanted to let myself be aware of. It was enlightening and very uncomfortable. Felt a little panicky and stressed while learning and relating to symptoms and causes.
 

The main thing that I learned was something that I'm still struggling to fully accept— That many of my lifelong struggles I've always attributed to personal character flaws, were actually symptoms/ a response to mistreatment and/or trauma. I didn't realize why, now I think I'm starting to.
  

My belief is still coming and going in this because it hurts to admit and makes me feel like I'm blaming and making excuses again. I know that's not true, but it's so stuck in my head to see myself that way..to not give myself any credit or support. I'll fix it.
 

All of the symptoms.. seeing how many I related to was a lot to take in. The intense shame, lack of self-worth, constantly harsh and debilitating inner-critic, isolation, avoidance, sitting still spacing out 'stuck' doing nothing, the dread, exhaustion both mental and physical, helplessness and self-victimization I feel ashamed of, the pain. 
 

All a constant struggle I never realized were symptoms of a trauma-related disorder and not my failure to be a better/good enough human being. I wish knowing that made me consistently feel it was true already. I'll get there.
 

I know, but I don't know. It's confusing. I'm still struggling to believe this disorder is what is 'wrong' with me, and that I'm not just a bad, crazy person. Hard to explain it. I fear that I'm in denial about how horrible I am instead of feeling I'm in denial about having a valid reason to hurt sometimes.
 

I've always given up because I expect to fail. I feel incompetent, unimpressive and a bit hopeless...Is that part of C-PTSD, or am I just feeling that way because it's true? I should be more certain by now. It's the C-PTSD.
 

I'm going to get there, but reading all this information and coming to so many new realizations at once.. well it's a scary thing to trust this is real.
 

I know there's always been a problem, but to actually see it so clearly makes it feel more real. Which for some reason, leaves me scared that it's not.. and that the only thing that is real is that I'm what's wrong with me. It's my fault or I caused all of everything that's hurt me. 

I don't know how to explain it. I'm going to stop trying for now so I can move on to the next chapter-