I've started going through this book with my therapist- The Complex PTSD Workbook. I highly recommend it if you have similar struggles. Please be aware that you may get triggered by the educational content and exercises. I think it's worth it as long as you have a healthy coping mechanism in place. 🖤

My Answers
(Questions 1-7)

1.) Can you relate to any of these ways of pushing painful emotions and memories away?

MY ANSWER:

REPRESSION & DENIAL

Yes, I know that I still have a lot to unveil to myself. Before I started diving into my past I felt like there was nothing back there worth looking at. I felt like it wasn't so bad.. If I ever did start to consider that perhaps it was awful, I'd quickly shut myself down by adopting someone else's imposed narrative- I'd quickly think I was being selfish, too whiny, and too lazy to realize I was my only real problem..not my past.
 

I didn't see my past more clearly until after my relationship with D.B. That horrible experience taught me so much. I still need to learn a lot more, but at least now I know there's more to dig up from the past (even if I can't see it all just yet). Denial still kicks in depending on the situation. I want to stop running. I'm going to master this..in time.
  

REGRESSION

Unfortunately, yeh. I can see this in a few key aspects of my life.. Shit. Sometimes I feel like a helpless kid with no choice or skill to do good things.. and so there are times I don't take care of everything I need to take care of. I stay too intimidated and unsure of my capabilities as a grown woman.
 

But that fear and lack of confidence is no excuse for me to fail to be a responsible adult taking care of what needs to be taken care of! That's my place..I'm supposed to be responsible for myself..
  

Who the heck am I waiting to get instructions from? Why do I often feel like I cannot do or know anything myself?? I actually know why now (see what I did there? 😂) BUT It's my responsibility to do whatever I have to do to build myself up to a fully functional lady..I need to believe in my capabilities! 
 

..I'm not a little girl who still needs to be guided.. I need to guide myself. But in order to do that, I need to learn how to trust myself and push through self-doubt ASAP. I'm working on this with all I've got.
 

I can't keep living like this. It's a scary world, but I can handle it. I want to! Otherwise, I'll continue missing out on all the beautiful parts of life just because I've seen some of its ugliness.
 

There are bad people, but there are also amazing, sincere, and sweet people.. There are challenges to face, but there's also potential for success and worthwhile discoveries..

I wanna be out there with all of it!...instead of hiding in my room like a kid who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing.
  

Goodness gracious. I need to trust myself. I'm gonna.. I'm going to do as much work as it requires to get to that point. And then, I'll keep going. I'm making my way y'all. Still fumbling, freaking out, and sometimes losing my poor mind...but I'm still going.🚂 
 

I'm still on my way. I'm doing the best I can, and that's good enough! I will remind myself of that as often as I need to.. even when I'm down because I tripped over my own feet. As long as I don't settle, quit, or forget all I'm fighting for and working towards.
 

Yup. I'm proud to know I'm someone who'll never give up. I have wanted to at times, but those rough moments have always passed,.. and look who's still here- Yep!.. this loving, weird, incredible, sensitive, resilient. imperfect, adorable, hopeful, goofy, genuine, forgiving, and talkative gal who apparently loves adjectives! I'm getting better at talking myself up. :P
  

I know my answer went off in a few different directions, but writing whatever pops into my head feels really good.. so I'm glad I did it! I'm going to keep doing it- :)
 

IDEALIZATION

Of course. I didn't realize that this issue is why it was so easy for me to idealize my abusive partner, rationalize his behavior, and blame myself for how he was hurting me. It's what I grew up with. I didn't know.
 

I still feel wrong for saying it. For 'blaming' people for the bad things they did indeed do. It's an odd thing. I don't see them as all bad, nor all good..but I'm glad to be able to at least start accepting that their mistakes did harm me, and that at that time I was not responsible for it..I was not harming myself.
 

Therapy and writing is really helping me see quite a few things more clearly.. I knew they weren't 'perfect', but somehow I always failed to believe that they were the ones doing wrong whenever their negative behaviors hurt me. I didn't hold the right person or people accountable for their actions, I just blamed myself. I figured I brought it on myself by doing or being something wrong.
 

INTELLECTUALIZATION

Bahah! Whhhaaaaatt!?!?! Meeee?? Experiencing a compulsive need to analyze every situation to death in order to gain a sense of security and explain away emotions I'm terrified to feel??? Never! Well, with the exception of always. lol
 

FANTASY

Um. Sure. Used to be much worse. While in my last relationship I was always waiting for what he said we were going to become. I held on and saw the relationship the way he described it, even when the description didn't fit. My mind found a way to make it fit.
 

I wanted to believe because I believed in him. I thought it was love. I don't know. I thought he cared. But other than that gentleman, I have always tended to focus more on hopes for what could be than what currently is. Which..I see how that is not healthy to do consistently.
  

It's like I'm waiting to let myself breathe easy.. I'm waiting for me to get to where I should be. I know it'll take time, and that I'm taking active steps to get to where I want to be..but in the meantime I just almost wait to be happy. That's not good. Why am I holding myself back?
 

I'm going to keep learning and finding all the pieces of myself in need of mending so that the changes can be made instead of just desired. I've said a few times that I was finally going to let myself live. Then a hoover (or reverse hoover 🤦🏻‍♀️) strikes.. or I get confused.. or a dude rejects me.. AND BOOM! I get all turned around. I'll give myself a break, but not so much of a break that things remain the same.
 

I do truly want to live my life..like, actually participate and find things that bring me joy. I honestly just feel like I cannot move whenever I want to the most. I don't understand it, but I'm going to..I'm going in the right direction.
 

There's hope..but that's not where my focus will be..Hope will keep me moving, but the present is where I need to be living.. not the pain of the past, or dreams of what I wish would happen later on. I'm here..right now..I need to let myself actually be here.
 

Life is so short, I'm tired of wasting mine. I don't need to get everything I want to be happy and functional. A man may never want me, learn me, care for me, fall in love with me, or become my best friend..and even though that closeness is something I've always thought would be the most incredible thing because I've never had anyone really know or love me before...I don't need it.
 

I don't need to wait for it..or to feel bad that it isn't happening and may never happen. I'm enough, and so is what I'm lucky enough to have right now. I have my son, my health, a mind that can learn and fight back, hope, passion, love, wants, talents..I'm alive. I have a purpose.
 

I do want things, but I don't live to get the things I want and desire most..I live to love..and I can't love others if I'm hiding away waiting to have my heart fulfilled by somebody else loving me. I already have a heart, and it is massive all on its own.
 

There are people out there that need the kindness, care and love I have to offer. I'm not going to keep all of those wonderful things tucked away just because I haven't gotten what I want most yet..because my life is not just about me...it's about everyone. I want people to feel accepted, important, and beautiful..Sometimes kindness can do that for somebody. I've got plenty of kindness to give.
 

I want to make people smile. This is a hope, not a fantasy..it's also an actual plan. I'm already taking the steps to make it happen! It's not fantasy anymore, even if it's like a dream come true to feel this passionate way again. It's the desire to love and care for others that I had before my last relationship. Still getting bits of myself back, and even building on them. :)
 

Helping others feel noticed, appreciated, respected, and happy was my goal when I stepped on that campus in 2020. I was bouncing around smiling, confident, sassy..lol I was just ready..even in casual conversation I was just spreading as much kindness, support, and joy as possible. His abuse stole it, but everything I'm learning after it is making it into something even bigger than it was before.
 

Here's the fantasy.. ;) Imagine all my heart, but with me actually getting out in the world to make use of it.. I'll be a force..a positive one regardless of how many negative ones there might be out there. Every bit of goodnesses counts.
  

People need to be treated kindly. I'm up for it..and I know I can't share what I have to share from within my room hiding behind a screen because I'm too ashamed to step out the door. 
 

What am I so ashamed of?? What is so awful about me? I have a good heart, that's worth everything I've been through and more.
 

The relationship that reverted me back to a 20 year old version of myself is done, the past I needed to heal from is front and center.. Focusing on my lovely hopes instead of making my present lovely..that crud is done too! I refuse to settle for less than I deserve, or to give others less than all the care they deserve.
 

I've been waiting around hoping for authentic, messy and selfless love my entire life, but in doing so I've been keeping others from receiving love from me. I've only poured it out to a select few who spat on it. Their loss.
 

My 'fantasy' now is a realistic goal, but I won't lose sight of where I'm currently at by focusing all my energy on where I want to be. I can do the hard work.. I can make the best of what is instead of being miserable until it's too late because I failed to appreciate what was.
 

Waiting for things to end up exactly where I think they should be..Well, that keeps me blind to what I have right in front of me. I'm missing out on life by waiting to reach certain points to allow myself to live it.
 

Just like D.B. was too busy chasing more to realize how lucky he was to have a good woman like me in his life. If he had taken the time (or had the ability) to see me, he'd have never needed more. He just needed to be where he felt he should be, and look how he thought he should look.. He cared for his pride much better than he ever cared for me. He took pride as a bride. Ha. That was lame. but cute.
 

I'm not living chasing after where I should be, nor all that I know I could be.. I am here, and I am myself.. Here is good, and I'm wonderful even when I'm struggling. I'm me now, and I'll still be me later when I have more of my shit together. I'm currently here, and I can do and experience incredible things right where I'm at in my life as the hot, hot mess that I am!❤️

PROJECTION

Oh no.. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I'd only viewed projection as being carried out in one specific way. I thought it was seeing people as less than you, or at least in a really bad light. I was wrong. Oops.
 

I know projection is when someone puts their own flaws onto another person without realizing they're doing it. (Like how my ex would call me a manipulative, selfish, liar when he was the one deceiving me, twisting things in his favor, and being too selfish to consider me. Or how when I felt good things about D.B.. it was sort of 'reverse projection' because I was seeing my own positive traits as being a part of him.)
 

Turns out, there is more than one way projection can occur. I am guilty of it, but not in a sense that I think poorly of other people's character. Not usually.
 

For me, it's like this-

I often deny the fact that on a deeper level I feel I am not worth being wanted, accepted, considered, or loved.. Thus, the way I project is not by seeing others as unworthy of being wanted...but instead, I am quick to assume they see me as not worth wanting.
 

Actually, I suppose if I'm projecting that others see me in a negative way, I am thinking less of them without meaning to? I don't think they are less or bad, but I'm still failing to give them credit for seeing me in a positive, realistic way if I automatically assume they never would. Does that make sense?
 

Not everyone is going to adore me, but not everyone is going to hate me or judge me as harshly as abusers have. I need to catch myself not being mindful about my disordered and counterproductive thought patterns.
 

I project my negative view of myself onto others by assuming they see me in the negative way I see myself, even when I think I'm seeing myself in a healthier way. Dang. I haven't healed all the negativity I feel about myself yet. I'm working on it.
 

I think it is fine for me to dislike negative aspects of myself, but there are certain things I dislike or feel ashamed of that don't make sense, since they only cause me (and sometimes others) harm. Some of it is stuff I can improve, and some simple character flaws that don't make me a bad person.. but some of the things I feel bad about aren't even true. I'm not all the horrible things certain people have told me I am. I know that for the most part now, but emotionally I'm not fully connected to that truth quite yet.
 

— EXAMPLE

I projected my shame and the pain it causes onto the man I was crushing on: I didn't see him in a bad way. Well, I got scared that one time of all that could be lurking around the corner,(actually, I got freaked out/triggered numerous times over merely being attracted to the man) but that was more about not trusting myself and being afraid of a repeat.. but I never saw him as someone bad. However, I can admit and forgive myself for what I now see I approached very poorly..and for what I didn't see clearly until more recently.

I was very quick to assume he saw me as something bad.. No, actually I was automatically afraid he'd think I was too stupid, too damaged, too weird, too fat, too ugly, too talkative, too needy, too selfish, too inexperienced, too forward, too intense, too emotional, too interested, too far gone. I thought all of those were only fears. I now realize in the back of my mind I already held the belief that he saw me in those unpleasant ways.. As in, my shame made me feel my worst fears were true even when I didn't realize it. Like, I already felt he saw me as an annoying, unworthy woman, even though I was only consciously aware of the hope I had for him not to.

What I'm trying to say, is that I frickn' projected onto the man I was hoping to know because I felt I wasn't worth getting to know. I felt like he was too good for me since the moment he caught my eye. That wasn't his fault. I truly thought it was my fear alone..yet I responded to him and the little situation as though my worst fears were already factual/ in existence.

Treating my strong fear of what he could think as reality is what turned my shame into projection. He could have thought that shitty stuff about me, it's possible..but the problem is that I reacted like he already possessed those hurtful thoughts.. The hurtful thoughts were my own..not his. I hope that made sense to someone. I didn't mean to do that. I was too caught up in my own fear to realize where the fear was coming from.. So instead of facing it properly, I started craving his reassurance.. as if him proving he didn't think that way about me would fix it.. BUT THAT WAS NEVER THE ACTUAL PROBLEM I WAS OBSESSING OVER..

Sure, I was experiencing cognitive dissonance and having tons of self-doubt that was fucking my head up... I wanted to know I could trust my intuition and that I didn't imagine the mutual attraction and curiosity.. but THE ACTUAL PROBLEM, what was causing me so much distress and keeping me stuck in a loop of obsessively analyzing the situation was not the adorable man, my fear, or the 'crush situation' itself—

It was never because he wasn't making his move fast enough.

It wasn't because he wasn't clear enough.

It wasn't because he thought little of me.

It was never him.

IT WAS ME.

I didn't realize the depth of it, at least not in that direction. I knew I was very afraid and insecure, I realized I was crippling myself in fear, but I failed to realize how unfair it was to him even if he didn't care. It still wasn't fair for me to behave as though I knew what was on his mind. Being able to sometimes read and feel people is one thing, but assuming everyone will see me the way I do is..well, it's wrong, unrealistic, and-
 

2.)What connections are you making between your defenses and your past?

(Where or when might you have learned to stop allowing yourself to feel vulnerable? When did you learn to push away pain or turn to addictive substances/behaviors? Do you recall a time when perhaps you decided to stop talking to people about your emotions, thoughts, hopes or dreams? If you can identify with any of these issues, recognize that you were doing the best you could to survive with the resources that you had at the time- and now, with self-awareness, you can change the way you handle these things.)

MY ANSWER:

This is hard for me to understand. There's so much..I'll attempt to jump right in and hope the relevant memories and whatnot come to me—
 

I've been told that I constantly do wrong since very early on in my life. I was fussed at or attacked over anything and everything random you could possibly think of. I'd be treated like I'd done wrong, even when what I did was actually right. 
 

Growing up I never knew what was going to be considered wrong.. because sometimes it was every little thing I said or did… and other times I'd be shamed and disciplined at random when I thought I was doing great and all was well.
 

I remember how furious one of them got at me for not saying the word "get' right.. I pronounced it like 'git', and so I got soap/pepper in the mouth and was yelled at for laughing at myself when I noticed I said it incorrectly. I was around 6 or 7 years old. 
 

As a child, negative emotions got me in trouble. As did negative behaviors, but often seemingly positive or mutual behaviors were responded to like they were atrocious.
 

If I was hurt, sad, or angry I would be told to shut up, get over it, or that I was doing something wrong. I was told I was overreacting. Lying. Trying to get attention. I was told I was being a brat, a bitch, an idiot, or crazy. It was confusing.
 

As a teenager I began attempting to express myself more when I was in pain. The pain had started increasing in severity because their actions had become more noticeably chaotic...or maybe I was simply getting older and more observant of their unhealthy behaviors?...
 

Either way, I kept reaching out to them for help..but instead of helping me they just made me feel like a bigger and bigger problem. I was causing them stress. They were angry with me for being in pain. I didn't understand what was going on or what to do.
 

No matter how hard I tried to do right and be acceptable.. I always failed. I couldn't be someone they could be proud of, or even someone worth their acceptance.. I was disapproved of as a whole.
 

No matter what I changed or tried, they let me know that I was too fat, too shy, too sad, too odd, I was always too…something unacceptable and frustrating. I was told I made them walk on eggshells around me...and that I was difficult and unpredictable.
 

I needed support. I needed help, or I at least needed acceptance and compassion. Instead, I was told I was stressing them out. I was told I was sad, anxious, and suffering from disastrously low self-esteem for no reason..
 

I knew that crying out for help made things worse for them, they made that clear throughout the years.. which made me feel worse about myself. I'd get insulted/belittled, or they'd express how badly I was hurting them somehow. So I stopped asking for help, or expressing I had needs for the most part.
 

The suffering keeping all of that in whilst possessing no skills to manage, or to make sense of, what it was caused pain to accumulate. It would keep building and getting heavier, and heavier, and heavier…
 

Eventually, several months or even a few years into saying nothing, I'd inevitably breakdown. I'd try to have my mother comfort or guide me.. I'd be in such incredibly intense pain that I'd burst and spew out all of my thoughts and deepest feelings to her.
 

I'd share it all because the burden was crushing me into nothing but the burdensome pain itself. 

I'd cry as I'd express how heavy and overwhelming all of the constant stress had become for me.. 

I'd sob while explaining how badly I was hurting and how I didn't want to be as awful as I was. 
 

She'd call me crazy or let me know she felt sorry for me..as if that's what I wanted. I didn't. I wanted relief. I needed help. I needed healthy love and guidance. 
 

I only got rejected, shamed, and blamed if I shared the truth.. My feelings were treated like they were 'wrong' and bothersome. So… I bottled up and shut everyone else out in order to keep myself shut in..
 

I did that because they didn't want to see me. I did that because I was tired of being told I was harming them, and because harming them was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I didn't want to hurt them, or anyone.
 

I didn't want to make anyone else have a tough time..but I kept being told I was responsible for their stress, pain, and anger. I was told I was causing my own pain as well. I was the source of so much negativity. I didn't want to be, but I couldn't feel better or be alright.
 

I was a pain. I was broken. I was not how I needed to be. I let them down. That convinced me that I was someone who would let everyone down.
 

I could never ignore all the misery I was in, but I knew I couldn't share it, so I just stayed alone in it, confused and ashamed of myself for hurting the way that I did. I attempted to speak out a tiny bit at school when I was around 14 years old.
 

At that point, the miserable confusion had been building for a long time. I was so lost and desperate to understand and escape my suffering..but the way I shared my feelings made the other kids uncomfortable or hate me. I didn't pick up on some vital social cues because I'd mostly kept to myself.
 

The other kids shouldn't have had to understand what I was going through, or why I was acting so strange, and they didn't. They accused me of being an 'emo wannabe' that just wanted people to feel sorry for her.
 

I was too sensitive to handle that harsh feedback..so I shut up entirely. I believed if they thought that low of me..and my parents did too.. then it must be true.. I must just be a selfish, pathetic human being who deserved to be mocked, rejected, and miserable.
 

At home, the people who should've been required to understand and care about my problems failed at the task. I was taught me hurting and feeling anything they didn't like was unacceptable and evidence of how screwed up I was.
 

I didn't understand. I never could. I'd learned all I could offer others was discomfort, annoyance, stress, disappointment, and sadness. I was shown I was no good.. So I not only kept to myself at home, I locked myself up no matter where I was..
 

I never let myself be in a moment, I was always stuck within the hell my own mind had become. I was trapped. I was suffocating. Then eventually, I felt I deserved to stay there..I deserved to hurt. I was a bad, screwed up, waste of a person.
 

Hiding mentally and emotionally at home carried over to all aspects of my depressing existence.. I didn't let others know me because I knew I was nothing anyone would benefit from knowing, or ever want to know to begin with. I believed it all.
 

I believed I was so horribly flawed and negative that I didn't deserve anything good. I began punishing myself, because I felt I deserved to be miserable.
 

All I'd known and experienced left me having an intense hatred for myself by the time I was 13 years old. I was disgusted with me. I'd never known anything else. I didn't understand the cause. I didn't understand what it was. I just knew that I hurt and didn't know how to function normally.
 

I never felt like I was good enough for the world, so I stayed locked away at home instead of allowing myself to be a part of it.
 

After I had my son I tried my best to become 'normal' and happy. I found some happiness for the first time. I felt like I wasn't a horrible hideous thing anoymore..at least not nearly as much. I thought I was past the darkness. I'd fought hard and grown a great deal.. So I thought I was healed.. It took so much work and determination to get to that point..
 

It turns out that I was in denial about it being the final destination. But it was easy to deny so much when the improvements I'd made were such a big deal to me. 

Being able to smile, laugh, and hope were monumental to me! I was even wearing normal clothing without a jacket. I was hoping. So I thought that was it, that I'd 'arrived'.. my life had become so much brighter…but I was still barely letting myself live it.
 

When I met my ex I jumped in because I wanted to live so badly. I was tired of holding back and keeping to myself. He made me feel like I was worth noticing and wanting. He seemed like he'd be a dear friend.
 

He claimed to love me and want forever. I let that promise become my home because I'd never actually felt like I had one before. So, it made me happier than it should have I guess. I opened up to him. I was honest.
 

I told him my greatest pains and fear. I shared with him the depths of my care for others, and the beautiful goals I had for my life. I let him know me, but he failed to know me. He learned facts, and he shamed me.
 

The man I fell in love with and thought I'd experience true acceptance from suddenly expressed that he accepted me, and that he thought I was awful at the same time. It contradicted nonstop.
 

He'd adore me, then act like my presence didn't matter. He'd compliment me, then point out all my flaws he couldn't stand. He pointed out so many bad things about me, but all I did was tell him how wonderful I thought he was..and how I'd always be there for him. I had his back and appreciated him..flaws and all.
 

When we were together, he'd randomly accuse me of lying or trying to trick/manipulate him. The accusations would hurt so badly because I was never trying to harm him or be dishonest. He accused me of things only an awful person would do..even if he had just told me I was wonderful and the love of his life the day before.
 

He'd call me clueless or a selfish liar, and if I said him feeling that way and saying that to me hurt my feelings.. he'd get more furious. If I said I was saddened and that I didn't understand why he said such hateful things to me, he'd attack my character more and explain how insane and bad of a person I was being.
 

I'd be respectful still, and try to tell him how it was really hurting me and I'd ask him to please try to understand, or to please explain what I did wrong.. It did no good.
 

I'd tell him that his response to me sharing my hurt feelings left me in even more severe pain because I didn't understand how he could know I was hurting and just intentionally hurt me more then leave me alone that way for days with no explanation, kindness, or consideration at all..
 

He'd break my heart, shame me, confuse me, then disappear when I was begging to understand and for him to help me make things right. I wanted everything to be ok..but he'd make everything so painful, then vanish and treat me like I wasn't there and like my pain didn't mean shit to him..Like I meant nothing to him. I couldn't understand it.
 

It didn't make sense. It was too much, and it broke my heart repeatedly. It was hell..and it was familiar. It reinforced my belief that my feelings were wrong, crazy, selfish and unimportant. His cruelty towards me reinforced that old belief that I didn't matter or deserve to be loved.
 

And so..the thought of being myself, and trusting someone with all my most vulnerable truths is absolutely terrifying.
 

I let someone see some of the most broken and beautiful parts of myself, or I gave them the opportunity to, and they didn't believe me or want anything to do with me afterwards. And that's not them doing me wrong or letting me down..but it just, my own head took it the wrong way. 
 

My mind processed it as something reinforcing that I need to keep all my pain, and all I really am to myself because nobody will like what they see if they ever do actually see me.
 

My past and own negative view of myself makes me feel any rejection is proof that I'm not as I should be. If I weren't 'damaged goods' I'd matter and be worthwhile. But I am damaged, and even before I was damaged, the people I love more than anything still didn't seem to want or appreciate me.
 

I don't feel safe sharing anywhere else but here and therapy, and that's still a lot sometimes. I do so here because none of you know me. I don't provide my full name , so it feels like it's anonymous. It feels safe spilling my guts in this format. But to do it any other way makes me much more vulnerable, and I don't seem to yet possess enough sense to open up slowly or to the right people in real life.
 

I thought a stranger(that man) was already viewing my page, so sending him the link was just in case I was wrong, but I felt like I wasn't. I just couldn't be sure..that's not a new theme, huh? 
 

Anyway. I sent him this, and then all it and my own weird behavior did was burn a bridge I hadn't even really built yet. And I feel so much anger and disgust with myself over it. 

Over making the mistakes I did. 

Over still not knowing how to interact with people beyond acquaintances at school, work or random public places. 

I don't know how to interact with people that could potentially know me beyond that level. And so I just. I just don't know. I'll figure it out.
 

My lack of experience with any form of healthy relationship is scary for me in many ways.I freeze up or lash out fighting against my own fear by defending myself against attacks that haven't happened yet.
 

I'm scared. I still have a strong drive to hide..because whenever I've stepped out in the past I've either been shamed, or past shames leave me shaming myself.
 

I shut down and off from others. I'm tired of being lonely, and confused..but I don't know where to begin. I don't know what steps to take. I don't know how to talk to people, especially men. I don't know how real friendships and casual dating works. 
 

I've kept myself shut off from so much for so long that I'm oblivious to how to open up to life correctly now. I want to. I'm going to. I am trying. I just don't know what to do, or how to do it.. Which is why I'm getting help. I'm trying my best. I need to remember that that is enough.
 

When I'm triggered and/or lost I sink into those old thoughts and patterns I'm trying to escape or reform..I'll suddenly feel even smaller and less deserving of the things I desire most. I will not lie about those desires.
 

I want to matter to someone.
 

I want somebody to care for me the way I want to care for others.
 

I want to be appreciated for being who I am, instead of feeling ashamed of myself for not being quite whole enough.. Never feeling quite good enough for good things. I don't want to feel that way about myself.
 

I'm not lying when I write about feeling confident and proud of who I am, at least not intentionally...but if I'm being honest with myself.. I often am proud of my progress and good heart..but there's this heavy part of me in the very very back of my mind that still hasn't let the rest of me go yet.
 

That part of me is bruised up and scarred, and I keep really wanting someone else to see the ugliest part of my mind and still think it's beautiful- that I am beautiful. I need to stop wanting that, and I need to start providing that kind view of myself to.. well, myself.
 

I'll become the person to see and appreciate me..all of me. I deserve to be cared for. I deserve acceptance and love. I am trying my best to learn how to accept, care for, and love myself. I have to get over the fact that I've always wished I'd get that from somebody else.
 

I know that's not fair or healthy. It's no man's fault that I was deprived/ starved and that now my 'need' for basic things is too powerful. It's not my fault I didn't get what I needed a long time ago, but it's not theirs either. By theirs, I mean any man I ever was or will be involved with. It's not their fault or responsibility to be there for me.
 

I already knew that it wasn't right to burden someone else with maintaining my happiness. I know that..logically. But it's hard to convince myself that being accepted wouldn't feel incredible, because that's something I've never had. I'd be there for someone else..so I know one day there could be somebody who will do the same for me.
 

But first, I've got to keep looking and discovering where all these scars came from..because that'll help me understand why I cared so much about things that I know I shouldn't have.. I say that I know I shouldn't have because there are things that I wouldn't have obsessed over or felt so dysregulated by if I didn't have CPTSD. But I DO have CPTSD, and I do care about some things excessively..
  

I do have some powerful emotions and interesting sensitivities..but those still matter and are real, even if they don't matter to somebody else..
 

Hiding feels safe. Opening up does not feel safe because of what I've always gotten in return. When I've opened up I've been punished, shamed, doubted, or rejected.
 

Throughout my life I haven't opened up to many people, but for some reason the few I've chosen to open up to only wanted to close me out. I'll figure out how to be more careful, but not so careful that I never try or change my avoidant ways.
  

Rejection hurts. Not being wanted sucks, but I know most of the pain I feel when it happens is actually because I constantly fight not to reject, shame, and hate myself.
 

So when someone else acts in a way that comes across as them thinking I'm undesirable, I allow that to confirm my worst fears that I'm not worth anything.. and that if I were better I'd finally matter.
 

What truly hurts me when I put myself out there and get rejected isn't the person's rejection itself, nor is it all the things they could be thinking about me.. It isn't because a man I'm drawn to doesn't feel drawn to me too. Yes that's not pleasant..but it's not what causes me to spiral, cry, or obsess.
 

The only reason it hurts me in such a powerful way when I feel unwanted by somebody, is that a large part of my mind and heart have never wanted me either.
 

It's a mixture of projection, shame, fear, and the exhausting hell of a lifetime in solitude. And that's not the world's (or any man's) fault, It's mine. I've isolated myself; only I can fix it. I'm trying. I can do this. It's just a lot..but isn't life always?

3.) In what ways do your habits and defenses help protect you? In what ways do they keep you safe ? Write down all of reasons you can think of about why you should stay the same and not change.

MY ANSWER:

Ummm. They haven't..not really. The only thing I can think of is that I didn't have an abusive partner for nearly 8 years.. but that's only because I didn't date anyone for that entire period of time.
 

I avoided life and men, yet wanted to live and have a loving partner at the same time.. How could I meet people when I barely left my house?  

My defenses have mostly made things worse, but I didn't know any other way to respond to what I was experiencing. I'm trying to develop much healthier defenses and coping mechanisms now. :)

4.) Are you ready to let go of old habits and self-protection? In what ways do the old habits interfere with your life and happiness? Write down all the reasons you can think of for why you should change.

MY ANSWER:

My instinct's telling me nooo, but my willpower, my willpower's telling me YEHES🎶( Maybe some of you will get what song I'm channeling there. lol. It's this. You're welcome?😂) K. Back to the serious shit.
 

I am completely determined and ready to let go of old habits and counterproductive forms of self-protection. As for how my old habits interfere with my life and happiness.. I think I've covered most of it in some of the massive responses above.. So..

Reasons I Should Change:

5.) Going into the intensity of big emotions requires a groundwork of support and safety. What gives you the courage to step into your emotions, to feel yourself as chaotic, raw, fearful, or sad?

MY ANSWER:

I want to be as solid of a human being as possible; that way everyone I'll ever encounter can experience the positivity and acceptance all people deserve. Obviously, when it comes to overcoming any challenge, my strongest source of motivation is my beautiful son.
 

I've always been devoted to becoming the best version of myself. I never want to stop learning and improving until the day I die. That's nothing new.. I simply did not have the resources to understand what the optimal approach was.
 

Now that I understand all the work that is required to live the way I want to, I feel like there is sort of a rough outline to follow in order to reach my goal.
 

It is very comforting to no longer feel like I'm going about things in an intimidating fog. Finally knowing it isn't impossible is a huge deal for me.. It's easier to hold strong, even during my weakest moments, because I no longer feel like I'm destined to fail. I don't feel that nagging sense of helplessness anymore.
 

I want to keep figuring out ways to better myself, while appreciating all the gifts and beautiful things I already have to offer in the present. I will become more, but I'm still beyond enough right now. One of the main things I've always been lacking was the awareness of everything that I already am.
 

I want to be able to maintain some balance.. Mostly, even if it may not always be the healthiest desire when it becomes my sole focus, what I want more than anything is to help other people. I know improving myself in a meaningful way, by addressing both my vulnerabilities and flawed thinking/behavioral patterns, is what I have to do.
 

It's not difficult for me to commit to exactly that when I think of how it'll allow me to be there for others in a much more productive, mutually beneficial way. 
 

Knowing that I'll have more inner peace and be able to help in ways big and small, is what emboldens me to face my fears, admit my faults, and humble myself enough to allow those with more knowledge to teach me what I need to know.
 

Even the most challenging aspects of all this feel incredibly rewarding because I know all the good that'll come out of my efforts. No matter what triggers do to me from time to time, I have faith that the healthier ways I'm learning to process them will lessen their severity and decrease the frequency of their occurrences.
 

I can jump into situations I know will heighten my emotions and make maintaining control over them more difficult, because I know sometimes with important things it gets worse before it gets better. The better is worth it :)

6.) Letting go of unhealthy patterns requires that you develop new healthy habits. What new positive behaviors could you imagine creating space for in your life?

MY ANSWER:

7.) Explore the grounding practices. What do you notice in your body and mind? Did this practice bring up any uncomfortable feelings? Were you able to connect to any positive emotions? There is no right or wrong answer.
 

MY ANSWER:

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