I've started going through this book with my therapist- The Complex PTSD Workbook. I highly recommend it if you have similar struggles. Please be aware that you may get triggered by the educational content and exercises. I think it's worth it as long as you have a healthy coping mechanism in place. 🖤

My Answers

(Questions 1-6 & Your History Questions 1-20)
 

1.)Take a few minutes to look over this list of thinking errors and write down any ones that you can relate to. See if you can identify specific examples of unhelpful thoughts that burden you in some way. Develop disputing questions to challenge your thinking errors.
 

MY ANSWER:

Honestly, all of them. I have quite a few negative thought patterns to change. But I'm glad to know I'm solid enough to accept that redirects are needed. :)
 

CATASTROPHIZING

Yes, because hoping for a positive outcome can be scary after you get used to negative ones. I often fret over all that could go wrong, because I'm so afraid something bad is going to happen.. and that it'll be all my fault for being foolish enough not to expect it...again.
 

DISCOUNTING THE POSITIVE

Sometimes I do that in regards to compliments…and a million other things.
 

EMOTIONAL REASONING

HAH. That's a massive YUP. If I fear something a great deal I start viewing my fearful reaction as a reasonable response.. but in doing so I'm failing to remember that sometimes I misplace my emotions when I'm overwhelmed. Sometimes I don't calm down enough to realize what it is that has me so freaked out, vexed, or hurt.
 

OVERGENERALIZATION

Guilty.. I have to work very hard not to have a self-defeatist attitude because I often have little faith in myself. I overgeneralize in a few areas.. I know I do so with men. I have never been involved with a kind man. So I automatically assume any man I'm drawn to will inevitably hate me and not be kind to me, just like the others. I don't mean to see things that way.

I know that's not right, but I haven't been around many men..and the few I've been involved with treated me terribly. I don't feel sorry for myself, or like it's impossible for things to change for the better- but I've never known a man to treat me kindly after he's gotten close to me. Are all these unhealthy thought patterns supposed to have overlap with one another? Because they do. :P
 

MIND READING

My bad.. Same kind of negative crud happens here. It's that projection I wrote about earlier.. to feel like I know they'll think bad things about me.. But in reality, it's only my fear that they'll see me the same hurtful way I see myself.
 

IMPERATIVES

YES X100000. I'm always thinking about how I've failed..and how I should've done it this way or that way..but I didn't because I'm too stupid and selfish.. OR I start saying what someone else should've done, without slowing down to realize I might be full of shit because I don't know everything either. Instead of saying someone should have done something differently, I think I should slow down and realize that's merely what I wanted them to do..not necessarily what was best.

Now, if someone is a straight up asshole towards me, I will still say they should not do that..but when it comes to other things...I've started to realize when I'm letting my fears and desires cloud my judgment, and when that happens I don't consider that what I want isn't always what is needed at the time.
 

2.) Take a few minutes to reflect on how emotions were handled within your family of origin. What messages did you receive about anger, sadness, fear, shame, excitement, joy? Do you ever find it challenging to put your finger on how you are feeling? Does increasing your body awareness help?

MY ANSWER:

Messages? 

Emotions have always made my father very angry and/or uncomfortable.. any strong emotion or opinion other than his own got him heated, so I learned to keep my mouth shut. If I didn't, he'd tell me to shut up, get over it, or to stop acting like my 'crazy' mother.
  

That was his favorite.. to say I was just like my mother.. Oddly enough, she'd say I was just like him when she was really pissed off at me.
  

It wasn't just that, but I don't know how to describe how much expressing emotions seemed to bother my father. He could make you feel like such a pointless jackass simply because you told him you were afraid or that him screaming ugly things hurt your feelings.
 

Emotions were not handled well in my household. My parents both had strong ones at times..but condemned majority of everyone else's. There were no deep conversations with them, and no useful feedback was provided.
 

In regards to which emotions my parents most frequently expressed.. with my father, it was frustration, disgust/annoyance and rage. With my mother, it was most often misery, confusion, and severe anxiety. She was always discontent, and also extremely critical of others. She complained nonstop.
 

My father couldn't stand my mom expressing herself, noise, or for people to share their thoughts. He mocked healthy communication and the concept of caring about feelings— or he sort of attacked until I felt like the biggest worthless loser alive. If I was ever super happy or confident in what I was saying, he'd speak smugly and look unimpressed.
 

My dad was incredibly impatient and irritable. He'd respond like I was only bothering him by speaking, regardless of what I had to say. He treated us like idiots as soon as we'd express anything was wrong or disagree with him when he was being hateful.
 

Anyway- I don't usually struggle to know what emotion I'm feeling, but I do often struggle to understand exactly why I'm feeling it.. or if it's acceptable.
 

So far increasing my body awareness has been both soothing and stressful..it just depends. When I notice how fast my heart rate is getting from the anxiety I become more anxious lol. I'll get better at it. I think breathing techniques are the most useful. Helps me feel more centered in a way I wasn't expecting. I think trying to have an open mind helped me push my skepticism aside long enough to benefit.
 

3.) Look over the preceding common ineffective boundary patterns. Can you relate to any of these interpersonal relationship patterns? How so? Now look over the steps you can take to develop healthy limits. In what ways can you use these tips to strengthen the relationships in your life?

MY ANSWER:

Oh gosh. Boundaries? What are those!?!?. 
 

Kidding.. but yeh, mine suck. I've always been a big push over. Enough is enough.. I'm worn down from repeatedly doing all I can for others, just to have those same people be unwilling to try for me. Lame.
 

It is not difficult for me to see I have a combination of both unbounded and rigid boundary styles. I'm getting better at standing up for myself, but now I need to slow down and think about what's really going on before I wind up taking a stand against absolutely nothing.
 

I suck at stepping outside of my negative emotions long enough to see what's going on around me. I get stuck in fear and pain too often. I'm grateful that it's getting better though!
 

I've also realized that I want others to soothe me because I struggle to soothe myself. I'm learning! Wanting company is fine, but getting so down over not having the desired company shows me that I have to figure out why it matters so much to me.. If it hurts so severely, I know the pain is coming from a different place- a trigger.
 

I know I'm needy. ;P What I'm in need of is what I've always wanted- kindness, patience, and some healthy attention. That's not going to change. No no, the extreme codependent need for it is changing, but me having needs is not. Everyone has needs and wants. So yes, I need and want too..and there's nothing wrong with that. :) I want to be treated kindly. That's all.
 

4.) What are some of the relationship patterns and conflicts that occur in your life? Look over the strategies associated with successful conflict resolution. In what ways can you use these tools to strengthen the relationships in your life?

MY ANSWER:

What relationships, bud?? 😂
 

My relationship patterns have been problematic. I put up with being mistreated and I put everything I have into one-sided relationships. I have good conflict resolution skills, but I attempted to resolve conflicts with high conflict people who had no desire to resolve the issues at hand..
 

Instead of realizing I need to remove myself from the situations, I fought harder to solve unsolvable problems between myself and abusive personalities.
 

Both parties have to be willing to mend things..one person doing all the work never heals things...it just does messy, temporary patch work that ends up falling apart.
 

I haven't had a healthy relationship yet, or a non-abusive partner..so I am not sure how I will resolve conflicts with a someone who actually wants to resolve conflict too...I'd imagine it would be imperfect, but productive.
 

I am capable of compromise, adjusting, apologizing and amending damaging behaviors. If I was with someone who could do the same, complete chaos could be avoided or recovered from.
 

I feel like if I were trying to come to an agreement or understand a partner's point of view it would be very possible..as long as my partner was open to healthy communication too. That would be so nice.
 

I need to realize the damage my codependent nature can be to myself an relationships. To put others first is lovely, but I do it to an extreme and it causes me to suffer.. It also gets taken advantage of.
  

I can successfully resolve conflict..but what I need to work on is not pouring all my energy and efforts into resolving conflicts with people who have no desire to maintain peace and love me back.
 

Trying to fix the pain someone else inflicted upon you when they do not care about your pain..it's impossible...and leave nothing but more misery behind.
 

5.) Can you identify times that you have been emotionally hijacked? Look at some of the tools that can be used to slow down reactivity. Can you imagine implementing any of these into your life?

MY ANSWER:

Of course! Even more so since my last relationship. I didn't know what the heck to do with all the unexpected inner turmoil. I'm so glad I wrote during my most triggered moments, because now I can look back over those and notice both my solid and erroneous thoughts. Noice!
 

I'll use the most recent episode from March when I got triggered by memories of getting stonewalled. I know I had some valid feelings and stuff, but I also know there is no way in heck I handled myself properly. LOL. So..bear with me as I analyze my previous analyzation?
 

Oh dear..😬 At least I was aware I was badly triggered then...But dayumnn- I'm not going to be mean to myself about-
 

6.) What are the early signs of the dysregulations that indicate you may be moving outside your window of tolerance? What are self-care resources that worked for you in chapter 3? In what way can you imagine using these emotion regulation strategies before your situation becomes a crisis?

MY ANSWER:

Physically- my heart rate shoots up, I sometimes get a little nauseated, my head may begin to hurt, and I abruptly feel incredibly tense. 
 

Emotionally- I begin panicking, doubting myself, getting confused and frightened, possibly pissed off..it just all progresses rapidly from there. Yucktastic.
  

The self-care resources that have worked thus far.. Hmm.. grounding practices ,like breath awareness, help a lot. I can see how slowing down long enough to steady myself allows me to be more mindful about the impact my behaviors have on others.. It helps me remember why taking time to respond instead of immediately reacting is so crucial.
 

I also like visualizing myself contained and guarded from whatever I feel threatened by..Sometimes it works when I simply imagine there's something actually protecting me.
 

My situations quickly become a type of 'crisis' when I'm struck by a feeling I can only describe as engrossing terror. I don't know how to manage that intensely negative emotion, but I'm learning how. Thank goodness.
 

I need to realize why I'm so frightened, and how to handle it productively. I suppose I'm referring to anything that sends me into fight-or-flight mode. That's an incredibly powerful force, but so am I. haha :D
 

UNDERSTANDING YOUR HISTORY

(20 QUESTIONS)

These questions will help you identify traumatic events that remain triggers that cause you to feel destabilized in your current life. Be mindful that you might experience uncomfortable feelings and emotions. Pace yourself, and turn to grounding techniques as needed.
 

Before I continue discussing their failures, I want to give my parents credit. I'm admitting that they were shitty parents, not claiming they're shitty people. They've both made a lot of progress. My mom even began therapy to address her childhood trauma; I'm very proud of her. My dad has been working on his patience; I'm proud of him too.
 

1.)What was the nature of your relationship with you mother when you were growing up?

MY ANSWER:

Toxic. Painful. Confusing. Sad.
 

We weren't terribly close. But she isn't super close with any of her children.
 

She criticized me a lot, mostly for my appearance and lack of talent/athleticism.
 

She told me I wasn't normal, that I ran funny, and that I was too fat. 
 

She compared me to my siblings, to let me know how I didn't measure up or impress her.
 

She seemed annoyed with me for not being the type of daughter she wished for. I wasn't good enough to show off (to augment her own self-esteem and image.)
 

She and I didn't have many heart-to-hearts. She tried to interact with me sometimes. We'd have fun with arts and crafts around holidays every so often.
 

And sometimes, when I was really sad she'd say something loving..I really appreciated when that'd happen because it was kind of rare.
 

Even though she was not consistently unkind, she was always struggling in some very obvious way. She was never emotionally available.
 

I was always worried about her because she was so unhappy. I could see it..I could hear it in the way she spoke about everything she was dissatisfied with. I wanted to make her happy, but she'd let me know I just added to her stress.
 

She was too busy being resentful over how crappy she felt her life was. 
 

She constantly complained about the house, about my dad, about us being messy, about money, and about her body. 
 

She finally got my dad to agree to let her get a boob job. That made her happy for a minute. But no matter what new things she tried..she just always complained. 
 

She'd complain about how she wanted to remodel the house.. But when my dad would start the construction, she would complain about how messy it was..or how it was being done wrong. She seemed impossible to please.
 

She'd celebrate if my dad's truck wasn't in the driveway when we'd pull up to our house after school. When he'd call she'd say "speak of the devil" and laugh at herself. Me and my siblings joined in with also being upset when our father was home. He was pretty harsh.
 

She was also a chronic gaslighter. She could invalidate and crazy make with ease. She'd antagonize, and then if I shared how it was making me sad or uncomfortable, she'd react like I was a crazy person imagining things. 
 

She'd tell me to stop being paranoid, or say "Stop putting words in my mouth!" I wasn't. I may project negative thoughts about myself sometimes now, but I didn't then.. I am fixing my current disordered way of relating that is a defense I built to protect myself from her madness.
 

The mistreatment she put me through killed my sense of self-worth and caused damage to the development of my innoncent, impressionable young mind.
 

I didn't believe in myself, trust myself, or even get a chance to know my true self because my parents provided me with shitty mirroring by reflecting back to me that I was a bad, annoying, disappointing, crazy, incapable cow.
 

She hurt me, and made me think I was hurting myself and her. Oh my God. Like the partners I've chosen. She's forgiven..but cause and effect is real. I'm not sure how to describe the gaslighting aspect of all this any better in this moment.. 
 

The best I can summarize it is to say that it messed with my understanding of so many important things growing up.
 

I grew up being lost and overwhelmed by negativity and baffling contradictions. I didn't understand what was happening, or why so much about life didn't make sense to me.
  

I didn't know what I was supposed to do, or how I was supposed to do it because it truly felt like no matter what I did..she'd convince me I'd done it all wrong. I don't know.
 

I don't think she was intentionally trying to disable me, but I think she was too caught up in protecting her fragile sense of self to notice or care about how badly she was neglecting and destroying mine. 
 

Children are delicate.. their developing minds need to be cared for and guided with good intentions. Nobody will do it perfectly..but she didn't even seem to try..all her energy went towards herself.
 

My mom was always in her own little universe.. one she never allowed any of her children to be a part of.Still to this day, none of us feel like we know who she really is. We've had sibling dates just to talk about the concerns we have for our parents when they're acting out.
 

It's easy to worry about them sometimes. We love them, it gets really hard not to be able to lessen the suffering of those you love. We know we cannot confront our parents about the past or have healing conversations with them, so we've learned to have them with one another.

2.) What was the nature of your relationship with your father when you were growing up?

MY ANSWER:

Toxic. Scary. Extremely oppressive. He was always on edge. It felt like everything pissed him off.
 

Sudden noises, too much noise, and sometimes any noise at all. By noise, I mean me and my siblings talking or attempting to play with one another. Loud laughter and singing..he'd put an end to it.
 

He shamed me a lot.
 

He'd fuss constantly..
 

I had to tip toe around because my mother was nearly always complaining about life, and my father was often yelling at me for getting on his nerves.
 

He'd point out how I did things the wrong way. He'd correct me by ridiculing whatever I'd done or said. He was able to tear me down daily, but I can't recall him ever telling me anything he liked about me.
 

He never said he loved or appreciated anything about me.. But I know he's at least said "I love you." a few times throughout my life. I think he has.. I know he did tell me he loved me at least once in my adult life so far.
  

I recall this one instance when he asked me to go to the back room. I vividly remember us entering the room together, then him stopping right in front of me and slapping me across the face. It wasn't gentle either. He gave no explanation as to why, but he did fuss when it seemed I was about to cry. Then he simply walked away.
 

I still don't know why he did that. I think my cousins were over for a visit, so maybe I hadn't done a good enough job cleaning my room? I don't know what it was, he never said. I didn't tell my mom or siblings. I was confused and heartbroken. I didn't let myself cry until I was sure nobody could see or hear me. I didn't want to get in more trouble. My cheek was only pink for a few minutes anyway.
 

That unexpected slap didn't hurt nearly as much as him constantly fussing at me and my siblings when we were only going about our business and trying to be kids. We weren't doing anything wrong, but he was angry and correcting us nonstop anyway.
 

I had the most fun with my siblings before our father would get home from work. When he'd get home each afternoon/evening, the atmosphere in the house would suddenly shift, and we'd all become a bit more cautious about how we moved about for the remainder of the day.

3.)Were there any other parental figures (e.g. stepparents, grandparents, caregivers) that took care of you when you were a child? If so, describe those relationships.

MY ANSWER:

No.

4.) Did you have any siblings? If so, describe those relationships.

MY ANSWER:

They actually had love to give, but they were all going through the mess too.. They did the best they could! They escaped a lot. They made friends through sports and school..so they became extremely social and spent much less time at home than I did. They slept over at friends' houses almost every weekend.
 

They've apologized for leaving me behind with our unstable parents, but it wasn't their fault. I'm glad they were able to find solace. They had fun, as kids should. My parents had taken me out of sports and broken my confidence down, so I didn't reach out and make friends the way my brother and sisters had.
 

I got the worst of it in a sense, because I was the only fat disappointing one out of their kids. They let it be known. I was their least favorite child. Kind of just a joke and a burden…or someone they sometimes acted like they felt sorry for.
 

5.) How did your primary caregivers respond to you when you were upset (sad, angry, hurt, or afraid)?

MY ANSWER:

Often with disgust, rage, and/or condescension— but my mother did try to cheer me up sometimes. That was nice.

6.) How did your parents discipline or not discipline you as a child?

MY ANSWER:

Frequently and harshly.
 

When I did something wrong my dad would make a huge deal out of it, as though I had spat in his face or something. Even if all I did was color on a newspaper image, he'd scream and shame me so intensely that I'd feel completely devastated.
 

It was bad, and I'm not really sure how to describe it. The same goes for when I didn't do anything wrong, but instead had somehow managed to aggravate him.
 

Their favorite form of discipline was to shame me, weaponize guilt, or threaten me until I was too scared to dare upset them again.
 

I wish they would've at least told me how to do whatever they felt I'd done wrong right. They didn't correct my errors with a punishment, and then teach me the better way to go about whatever I'd done incorrectly.
 

So..it felt more like they were just taking their frustrations out on me to get even or something. Like they were trying to hurt me because I'd bothered them. I don't know.
 

They'd scold me until I felt like what I'd done was beyond unacceptable and evidence of my absolutely awful character (and over half of the time I hadn't actually misbehaved- It'd be because my dad was pissed off because I was too loud while he was watching a show or something. I'd also get fussed at for voicing any opinion he thought was stupid, and for crying when his aggression hurt my feelings.)
 

Occasionally my mom would attempt to step in when she realized it was going too far, but then he'd turn on her and start tearing her down too. Usually when she tried to calm things down, he'd blow up worse- but at least then he'd storm off and leave us alone. 

As he'd walk off he'd usually do some dramatic arm gesture to motion 'I give up' or 'whatever!' and let out some loud "Ugh!." and an insulting remark aimed at one or both of us. His face could get so red!
 

Sometimes my mom seemed to have these moments in which reality hit her.. Like she realized what was happening wasn't alright. Those moments were short-lived and infrequent. I guess it was too hard for her to fully admit how bad it was. It was too much for her, but it was too much for me too..and she was my mom.
 

Why didn't she protect me?
 

Why didn't she like me?
 

Why didn't she leave him after the first time he left marks on my eldest sister when she was only a baby? I don't know- But she kept pictures of it.
 

7.) Do you know of early separations from your parents? Do you recall experiencing physical or emotional neglect?

MY ANSWER:

Separations? Not really..I have foggy memories of them never being around when I was a super small child. A parent was usually at home with us at all times by the time I was seven.
 

They weren't interacting with us most of the time, unless they were angry or needed something done.
  

Neither one of my parents were emotionally available or honest. They gossiped about one another to their children..and my mom would gossip about me to my siblings.. I overheard her doing it a few times.
 

Also, my siblings and I would vent about our parents sometimes..so the lies or hateful crap my mom had been saying always came out. It was very hurtful to have my own mother talking shit about me.. repeatedly too. Her gossip included her lying, complaining about me, and making fun of me.
 

8.)Do you recall experiences that were abusive (verbally, physically, or sexually)?

MY ANSWER:

Yes.

9.)What was the relationship like between your parents? Do you recall episodes of anger or violence? Did they get divorced?

MY ANSWER:

Unhealthy. Abusive. Confusing. Upsetting.
 

They didn't fight all of the time, but there was always this subtle hostility. It's hard to describe. My Dad constantly made rude patronizing remarks to my mother, insulted her behind her back or directly to her face.
 

My mother did the same thing..she was much more passive aggressive and manipulative. That was the word me and my siblings used to describe her by the time we hit highschool.
 

Anyway, back to early childhood- She'd say these things that were so obviously designed to get someone to feel or do something..We could all see it, but if you called her out on it she'd play innocent and shame you for being crazy or for being mean to her for 'no reason.' She behaved that way with her children and our father.
 

She'd complain about him to us. She'd say how mean he was and just trash him while he was at work and we were at home on the weekend or after school before he'd get back home from work.
 

Sometimes she would attempt to have a discussion about something with him, but he'd shut her down and tell her she was acting crazy and nagging him.
 

Sometimes she'd politely ask him to do something, and he'd snap at her. Actually, he snapped almost anytime she asked him to do something, or if she reminded him of a responsibility he was needing to tend to.
 

They did fight in front of us, but it wasn't usually extreme verbal abuse..I mean, it was sometimes. He'd call her a lot of names and insult her intelligence, stability, family, personality, whatever.
 

There were blow ups between them sprinkled in at least a few times a month, but the worst thing was that they were not very loving towards each other.
 

There wasn't much affection between them observed. There were good moments, but most of the time it went like this- My mom resented my dad and the fact that she was 'stuck' with him, and my father was aggravated with my mom for always complaining and being sad.
 

They both acted as though they were being victimized by the other. My mom and dad only dated six months before getting married. They got married because my mother got pregnant. She shared this information with her small children. Lovely.. 
 

Anyway, She would talk about how controlling and mean my dad was, but then she wouldn't do shit about it. She'd just be passive aggressive towards him, talk about him behind his back, and complain about how hard and unfair everything was for her.
 

Those 'blow-ups' I mentioned a second ago.. They usually started with my mother trying to confront my father with some responsibility he had failed to tend to, or her trying to share something she was worried/sad/or frustrated about.
 

My father wouldn't even attempt to hold the conversation, he'd shame her for wanting to talk about whatever she brought up. She'd stand up for herself and start becoming visibly bothered.
 

Her looking and sounding upset would get him more pissed off and the entire fight would escalate untill he was telling her she was out of her mind, all these horrible things, and that even her own kids thought she was insane. 
 

Yeh, he'd use our concerns about her depression against her..to make her think her kids thought she was crazy and insulted her behind her back..we weren't doing that. It was such a mess. I wish I could describe it better.
 

They were not nice to each other. They didn't seem to appreciate or value their spouse. There was little to no consideration or sensitivity displayed within their relationship. 
 

They said they loved one another, but I swear it felt like they couldn't stand each other on a regular basis. Now that I think about it..they never seemed in love.. There never even seemed to be mutual respect present. I mean never in a literal sense.
 

My mother had valid reasons to be upset..and so did my father. My mom did try to do something about it. She tried to leave a few times, but he'd threatened to destroy her, or he'd make her think she just was having an 'episode' and needed professional help. 
 

He convinced her she needed to be institutionalized once, maybe twice. I can't recall..there was always a lot going on, even when things seemed more calm..the tension was ever present between the two of them.. 
 

Actually, the tension was felt throughout the entire household.. the whole family was tense and often sad.
 

Unfortunately, all of their children eventually believed the story my dad created.. - He had us all believing our mother was why he was so angry and short-tempered. 
 

He convinced us all she was extremely mentally ill, and that she didn't know what she was saying, what she wanted, or what had actually taken place earlier on in their marriage. 
 

We had seen her nag him a lot..we had seen how she was seemingly never pleased with anything.. so it was easy to believe when my dad started telling us she was the one being cruel and unfair to him.
 

She was not super stable..but now I see a lot of her 'crazy' stuff she said to my father during fights was her reacting to his controlling and abusive behaviors towards her and her babies. 
 

They were both unstable, but he constantly stated that she was crazy. He still does. (He still fully believes that all of their marital problems have been caused solely by my mother's mental health/her insanity.)
 

10.) Were any of your caregivers living with an untreated mental illness? If yes, what impact did this have on you?

MY ANSWER:

Without a doubt. I'm not sure exactly what they have..but they definitely both appear to possess high levels of pathological narcissism.
 

What impact did it have? Having untreated mental health issues left them unstable and unfit to nuture children consistently or well. I believe their conditions and unresolved past traumas are why they saw no problem with their behavior.
 

Other than their abusive behavior, seeing my mother struggling and hearing her talk about wanting to commit suicide numerous times was heartbreaking and frightening.

I didn't hate her or want her in pain. And I definitely didn't want her gone. I was worried she'd do it one day. Her misery was obvious. 
 

I loved both of my parents, I still do. So, to see my mom falling apart and losing touch with reality in a big way multiple times a year..and to see my father so detached and prideful.. it was difficult to watch and understand.There was nothing I could do to comfort them.
  

It sucked that I frustrated them in so many ways, but what bothered me most of all was knowing that they were miserable, and that I couldn't do anything to help them be ok. There was nothing I could do to make things right.
 

Nothing was ever alright, they were never content. That's not thinking error on my part to say 'never' in this case, because it's true. They were never content with their lives, their marriage, their home, their children. 
 

They were always stressed, and often spoke of how much better their lives should be. They truly seemed very unhappy. I focused on trying to make them happy, I wish they'd done the same for me. But it's ok. I can do that for myself now. ❤️
 

It was never my job to make them happy..but I was blamed so much for their negative feelings, that I naturally felt responsible for all of them without even realizing it! I'm trying to undo that. I will.

11.) Were any of your family members addicted to alcohol or drugs? If yes, how did this affect you?

MY ANSWER:

Not that I'm aware of. They cared too much about their squeaky clean and friendly reputations to do that. I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm honestly saying that they cared very much about being seen a certain way.. And getting busted drinking too much or doing drugs would have been too great of a risk for them to take.
 

They are both very well-liked around here. They are super friendly and level headed out in public. Always have been, with the exception of an incident in 2003. Coworkers and employees always loved my parents. My dad was extra funny, and my mom displayed nothing but inspiring selflessness — at work.

12.) Did any of your family members spend time in jail or prison? If so, what impact did this have on you?

MY ANSWER:

No.

13.)Were there any positive mentors who were invested in you, cared for you, understood you, or protected you during your childhood? Was there someone who noticed that you were capable, intelligent, or talented?

MY ANSWER:

No.

14.)Do you recall having a community member (such as a neighbor, church member, teacher, or coach) who was there to help you? Do you recall having someone who cared how you were doing at home or in school?

MY ANSWER:

No.

15.)Did you develop any friendships in which you could talk about your life and feel understood?

MY ANSWER:

No.

16.) Did you develop street smarts: were you independent, or a go-getter?

MY ANSWER:

Unfortunately, no. I didn't think I could do anything right..so I definitely didn't have the drive to aim higher.

17.)Now, take a look at your answers to the previous questions. Can you identify traumatic events that might exist as triggers in your current life?

MY ANSWER:

I see why I sometimes get so scared of even the most positive or simple of situations.
 

I see I was rejected, and how that makes me very sensitive to and/or fearful of rejection.
 

I see how even starting to trust someone can be a trigger in present day, because of how often I was blindsided and betrayed throughout childhood..and then again in my most recent relationship.
 

I honestly see many things that I didn't even write about, I'll add more once my head stops pounding.

18.) What do you know about childhood experiences of your parents? What were the hardships they face? How did they cope? Do you know anything of your earlier generations? As you reflect on your family history, what patterns do you observe, positive or negative?

MY ANSWER:

Their childhoods were heartbreaking. They both grew up in pretty abusive households. Poor babies didn't stand a chance. :(
 

My mother was molested repeatedly in her garage by a teenage neighbor when she was a small child— When she got older she told her mother. Her mother didn't believe her, and even invited the then young man over to their house for dinner. Horrible.
 

Plus, who lets a teenage boy take their small child to play with them? That's just weird to me. What teenager is going to go out of their way to play with a small kid for hours on the regular? Should've raised suspicions...in my opinion.
 

Other than that.. her mother was very critical of her appearance. She'd tell her no man would ever want to marry her because her boobs were too small, her backside and thighs too big, and her makeup so ugly it made her look like a cheap tramp.. "Why'd someone buy the whole cow when they can get the milk for free!?" Yeh. crap her mom said.
 

My mom had a rough time. She was practically raised by her eldest sister, but when her sister got married and moved away, she was lost and stuck. She began drinking a lot and sleeping around to numb the pain. A fact she shared with my father, whom still shames her for being 'slutty' decades ago. It's pretty sad..She doesn't deserve that to be used against her..that's such a cruel thing to do. That's not how love is supposed to be.
 

My father was physically beat and emotionally neglected/destroyed. His brother was the golden child and my dad was the one who didn't impress. Emotions were treated as being foolish, weak nonsense for stupid over sensitive people. His parents were extremely emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive.. I'll leave it at that—
 

Both of my parents went through a lot, and they never worked through it.. The just live with it, and it has had disastrous consequences for them and their children. I wish I could help them, but I can't. All I can do is love them, and learn how to love myself in ways they've never been able to.
 

19.)You were introduced to a series of questions about your family history. At that time, did you identify any traumatic events that would benefit from further attention? This exercise offers an opportunity to go into greater depth by processing a traumatic memory through the act of writing. You can write in the space provided here, or you may choose to write in a journal where you will have unlimited space. You can repeat this exercise as needed by writing about additional traumatic events.

MY ANSWER:

Yeah. There's a lot I didn't know how to explain with words..which is surprising and confusing. —
 

20.)What have you learned about yourself, your emotions, and your relationships? In what ways has your past influenced who you are today?

MY ANSWER:

This is a complex question-
 

My past has created within me both my strengths and greatest weaknesses. The trauma and faulty mirroring from my past left me extremely vulnerable to people and situations that would keep me broken down and afraid.
 

My past created my lack of confidence, my fear, my naivety and dependence on acceptance from others.
 

My past left me struggling to function for my entire life thus far. My past had some very unfortunate parts. I've spent most of my life in pain, confusion, and fear..but my past has also made me who I am.
 

My past has influenced me greatly..it has 'broken' me in ways, but I am not broken..I am resilient and good. I try, I learn, I give and I want nothing more than to love others and be loved in return.
 

The pain, trauma, and fear have molded me into a person with an enormous capacity for selfless, authentic love for others. I know that I will appreciate any love that is given to me, because I'm fully aware that it isn't something everyone is lucky enough to experience.
 

My experiences as a child and young woman have shown me what not to do to someone else. I never want to cause anyone to feel neglected and rejected when all they crave is acceptance and consideration.
 

All I've ever known is what it's like when a man loves you wrong, thus my past has left me determined to love others right.