I've started going through this book with my therapist- The Complex PTSD Workbook. I highly recommend it if you have similar struggles. Please be aware that you may get triggered by the educational content and exercises. I think it's worth it as long as you have a healthy coping mechanism in place. 🖤

My Answers

(Questions 1-10)

1.) Can you relate to the cognitive triad of depression and the 3 P's of pessimism? (REMEMBER: People with C-PTSD must confront the hopeless thoughts, painful emotions, and intolerable sensations of depressive symptoms. The triad of negative thinking associated with depression consists of negative view of self, a negative view of the world, and a negative view of the future.)

MY ANSWER:

Yes, of course I can relate. Overall I see myself as unsatisfactory, I see the world/life as overwhelming, and I see my future as being painful and pointless.

2.) What core beliefs tend to hold you back? If you were to let go of these beliefs, what do you imagine your life might look like?

MY ANSWER:

Well.. some of my negative core beliefs that I constantly try to alter are:

If I were to let go of my negative core beliefs, I'm not sure how to fully describe how dramatically that would impact my life. I know my life would be much brighter. I'd feel hope and purposeful.

I would like to live that way. I'd be less afraid to try. I'd stop hiding in my house and having panic attacks at the thought of letting people see me on bad days. I'd smile more and no longer put up with people who leave me feeling unwanted and unworthy of their time.

3.) How does shame show up in your life? What thoughts or sensations accompany shame for you? Explore the preceding practices when shame intrudes in your life. What helps you overcome or heal from shame?

MY ANSWER:

I've missed out on so much of life because deep down I've never felt like I deserve to live a happy one. I feel shame over mistakes I've made in my past, how I look, how I speak, how I think, how I react, how I feel, and for failing to be where I should be at this point in my life. I feel ashamed of myself for feeling shame. I feel shame for not being able to move past my shame and be unaffected. I feel shame and guilt for practically everything.

Sensations? —writing to be continued

4.) What are your thoughts and feelings after reading about dissociation? What gave you meaning before reading this book? Has any new meaning begun to surface? Describe your thoughts.

MY ANSWER:

Well, I spaced out for several months after the initial creation of this post. so..

Meaning? I know what I want my life's purpose to be. I want to live to love and support others. I feel that is something this world desperately needs. But at the same time I often feel I am not stable or strong enough to provide others with the type of support and love they deserve. Instead I tend to feel inadequate and bothersome.

Nothing about my life currently feels like it matters the way it should. I live to be here for my son, yet I am failing to be the mother he deserves. At least, I feel like I am failing him. I feel like he deserves so much better than what I can offer. I want to be better. He deserves more.

Feeling like everything I should be doing and should be capable of is out of my reach is an overwhelming thing for me. It leaves me feeling hopelessly defeated. I feel as though I cannot do anything right, and I will never be able to regardless of my efforts.

I feel like I am doomed to always be less than I should be. I feel like I'm simply not good enough, and when I try my best to become good enough I get lost because nothing I ever do manages to reach those standards I've set for myself. Standards that were actually set a long time ago by someone(s) else.

I feel like I just cannot do it no matter how hard I try. So naturally I start to turn away from all the challenges which I feel on a deep level I am too weak, stupid, broken, and selfish to overcome. I feel pathetic, and that's what the man I loved called me after I'd given him my absolute best. Pathetic. An unlovable, crazy, burdensome, nothing.

I space out. I numb myself to the best of my ability..and part of me forgets where I am, what I'm doing, and why there's this subtle yet destabilizing discomfort constantly humming in the background of my daily life. I'm afraid, uncomfortable, and ashamed of myself for feeling that way to begin with.

I want to be better. Why can't I just wake up and keep my eyes open? Why do I keep falling asleep again? It's not like when I sleep I live a dream. Sleeping only keeps me running through some sort of confusing and lonesome nightmare. I have moments of clarity, but then something triggering happens and the self-doubt and loneliness kicks my ass as I revert back to a scared and defenseless little thing.

I'll do better, but I will not deny that for my whole life thus far I've caved in and broken down a lot. It's hard to stand tall when all the old beliefs in your head are shouting that you only have the right and ability to remain down. How horrible. I'd never want anyone else to feel this way. Yet, here I am thinking I've earned it.

5.) The goal of this practice is to work with conflicting emotions of resentment, regret, appreciation, and hope that are associated with grieving traumatic losses. Take a look at the following five sentence prompts. Take as much time as needed to write down any memories, reflections, words, and feelings that come to your mind.

MY ANSWER:

What I feel grief about is....

That I was never able to experience being a carefree little kid or a rebellious, fun having teen. I've been ashamed of myself and nervous since a very young age.

I feel a great deal of sadness over all of the things I have let myself miss out on. I'm sad that I'm already 33 years old and I still haven't been taken out on an actual date or been romanced at all. Why haven't any of them felt I was worth their effort?

It breaks me apart to be so isolated and uncared for. Everyone should be important to a few people, or at least to somebody.

I'm sad that I cannot go back in time and explain to my younger self that I'm not the reason I'm hurting, and that I don't need to change to be deserving of acceptance. Sometimes I really wish I could go back and show myself what was really going on so I would've prevented the development of my self-blame and the consequential self-loathing and other self-destructive thought patterns.

What I feel anger and resentment about....

Being let down, misguided, and mistreated.

I should have been built up, not repeatedly criticized for things out of my control or of little importance in the long run.

I should have been told I was good enough and loved as is, not that I could be good enough if I lost weight and did this and that better. There shouldn't have been endless comparisons and shame-based shouting fits implemented as discipline when I wasn't even doing anything wrong. What was I being shamed for? What did I even do that was so horrible? I kept trying endlessly, and I was never cruel or disobedient.

I am angry that Dean lied to me, shamed me, abandoned me, and basically killed a part of me that I'll never get back. I am very angry that I was stupid enough to let myself fall in love with a man like that. I feel so stupid. This is why people doubt love and the existence of humanity in others.

I am pissed that I am even tempted to give up on love just because of him, and because so many people don't know how to care correctly. Many people seem to only care about themselves. I don't want to live that way. I can't be all alone in this world. I know there are others out there who want the same things out of life. I want to know more people who want more than the empty, fading parts of this life.

I am so angry that I can't be better already. I'm livid that I still struggle with things that I want to be strong enough to have gotten through by now. How am I still here? How!? And why the hell am I so mad at myself for struggling with things that are clearly tremendously difficult??

I'm mad that hateful words and highly damaging beliefs that didn't originate in my head are now stuck in it. I cannot stand that I know where these views of myself came from, yet I still fight not to agree with them like they're my own.

What I regret is....

Not being stronger.

Failing to be aware.

Not knowing how to properly relate to myself because I was taught I was something shameful and not worth caring for.

I regret letting that man near me in 2020. I'm thankful for the experience, but at the same time it was so severely damaging and I really wish I could've not been re-traumatized in that way. The aftermath pushed me to grow, but at times the memories and remaining hurt pulls me back in time to a place I don't desire to revisit.

I regret all of my bad choices, and how cruel I can be to myself.

I regret suffering in silence for as long as I did. If you are too, please reach out to someone who will be there for you...preferably a trusted professional that can help you learn methods to cope with heavy things.

My hope is....

To have more good days than bad.

To feel proud of my progress, instead of ashamed of what's not done yet.

I want to be able to focus on my goals and be driven by positivity instead of shame.

I want to pace myself and do things in a productive way.

I hope to one day meet someone who cares about me and appreciates who I really am, instead of just putting up with me, pitying me, or using me.

I hope I eventually stop sitting around thinking about life instead of actually living it just because I'm afraid I'll do everything all wrong.

I hope to one day feel at peace.

I hope my core values don't change. I am very hopeful that my boundaries will never disappear again just because someone else tells me they don't make sense or matter.

I feel hopeful that I will keep fighting for myself, and that it'll one day finally attract people who are willing to fight for me too.

I hope I never lose my hope, because without it I wouldn't want to be here anymore.

What I appreciate and accept is....

I appreciate everything. I appreciate:

6.) What forms of exercise do you enjoy? What helps you relax? What additional supports do you think you need to achieve optimal health?

I like exercise, but for the past several months I've mostly just wanted to curl up in a ball on my bed and not move. —

What helps me relax?.. Being unconscious 😂.

Um, having important aspects of my life in order. I feel more relaxed when my weight is under control, I'm in school or working towards a legitimate goal, and I've got hope to stand on my own two feet at some point.

Even if everything is not in place yet, if I am making positive steps in the right direction I feel so much better about myself and life.

Having a clean and organized living helps. Working out helps.. Feeling like I have power/say in which way my life goes is everything.

I often fall back into that helpless self-victimizing state out of bad habit. That freezes me up. I freeze myself up. I'm trying to do better by catching myself doing it as soon as possible so I can snap out of it and move forward.

7.) Look over the practices to stimulate your vagus nerve. Experiment with these practices. Become mindful and curious about your experience. For example, how long do you need to practice deep breathing until you feel a shift internally? What did you discover? 

MY ANSWER:

Do I have to? I will try..just hold up. —writing TBC

8.) Take a few moments to write about your experience with focusing on positive sensations and ease.

9.) Imagine bringing new positive beliefs into your life.. Imagine brining the words from this practice into your life right now.. Finally, imagine yourself in the future. What goals do you have for yourself? Explore and describe your experience.

10.) Chapter Takeaways--

ughhhh. So triggering