I met M. maybe one month after a painful hoover that had reopened all the hellacious wounds I'd been trying to heal. I was emotionally raw and on shaky ground psychologically. I was trying to get back to some sense of normalcy, and to relearn who I was and how to love myself.
( Resuming Life ) 
 

Despite what I was going through, someone caught my eye in an unexpected way. It was comical at points..and healing too.

This crush was, and I suppose still is, a stranger. I’d hoped that maybe I’d get very lucky and this man that seemed interested in me would turn out to be compassionate, loyal, available, capable of forming genuine bonds, and would maybe even want to form one with me. 🤷🏻‍♀️
  

But I shouldn’t have bothered entertaining that crush and those hopes so soon. If I had shut feelings out the way I instinctively wanted too.. I could’ve focused more on recovering my self-worth and avoided additional heartache and chronic stress.
  

Once I discovered his approach to me and relationships was rather narcissistic, and that my approach still quickly turns codependent and trauma-bondy, that should have been it. I should have ruled out any potential right then and there..but I didn’t. You can guess why. Because I saw more to him than the struggles he always spoke of. I saw more and I am apparently still too gullible.
 

He said he was a mess and I naively thought he could still manage to value and see me through it. I might see and respect him as a person, but that doesn’t make us compatible or mean me giving him my energy would be healthy. It has been bad for me, even if I can see good in him.
 

The moment he hurt my heart by treating me like a fool and downplaying what he'd done, I reached out for comfort. I seem to reach out for D.B. when I feel totally alone, unappreciated, and lost. I appreciate people..even ones that have hurt me. That's evidence of my unresolved issues, but I don't yet know how to consistently turn off care and my hunger for returned affections.
 

The thing is.. I don’t want to be wanted by tons of people to feel special or worthwhile.. I just really want to matter to someone because people I care for always matter a great deal to me. I would like to be cared for too. 
 

I want real care and positive attention.. and to build something with someone I can trust with all of myself and know he won’t break me.. that he’d rather build me up and protect me than make use of me and keep searching for more stimulation or someone better. I don’t want to simply be enough for someone, I want someone to love me the way I love- With meaning and endurance. Selflessly. Authentically. I don’t feel that’s bad to want.
  

However, with the crush it stayed a crush until it built to me liking him more. Then it crushed me the way these things tend to.
 

The man wasn’t the devil or seemingly malicious, but he was insensitive and oblivious to how damaging a lack of care and consideration can be to people. Mistreatment of others doesn’t always have to be the same level or done on purpose.. A severe lack of true consideration for others and the inability to see them fully/ as equals can produce a lot of painful consequences for those around you. 
 

He didn’t really see me or the negative impact his words/actions were having on me this entire time, so I got hurt. There were so many inconsistencies and so many things withheld that guided me to feel and see what I did. 
 

I failed to protect myself and listen to the fears and my feelings. He was completely right about that. 
 

There were warning signs, but not the ones he thought he intentionally put up. The blame shifting, gaslighting, dismissiveness, and inability to comprehend my perspective were the biggest red flags of all, and I just couldn’t accept I was seeing them correctly. Old habits die hard. 
 

He didnt provide me with much clarity when I’d ask for it, so I stayed lost.. but the way he interacted with me and disappeared repeatedly should’ve gotten through to me. It should’ve made reality sink in no matter what contradictions there were. I should have been able to see it and accept it for what it was. 
  

I shouldn’t have held on and hoped. That’s my fault. Because I know having hope with nothing ever arriving is a sign there’s nothing actually there… 

…even if someone tells you more could happen between y’all later on because they like you and are just super busy and a mess but that they think they will be less busy and more together in a few months after this or that……… and they also flirt with you tons and talk with you daily for months at a time just to suddenly vanish and then return and do it all again— 

Lots of false hope, sudden shifts, and unexpected absences. Inconsistencies. Hot and cold. Extra attention and then total dismissal over and over again.

So you hang on because you like them too, THEN they treat you like you imagined everything and only got hurt when they abruptly ditched your ass for good because you misunderstood and were dumb enough to care about them and want them. You get blamed and shamed in a kind tone, but what’s expressed isn’t kind or fair at all. 
 

Honestly, it’s really damaging to crazy-make like that. It’s cruel, and the denial makes it hurt much worse. 
 

Someone gets you increasingly into them, then when you are hurt by them suddenly changing their tone in the harshest way they act like you got super into them for no real reason other than you being crazy or stupid. 
 

Semantics. He said this and that, technically yea.. but he also said many things in opposition and back and forth. He was not clear. And I should have turned away. That is on me, but him treating me poorly is on him. He’s forgiven, but the fact that he will not apologize or clearly see what he did hurts pretty badly. 
 

I should’ve been able to accept he was never going to be there for me the way I need a man to be. The way I can be there for someone. He doesn’t love or care for others the same way I do.That’s ok.  It’s just not good for my heart.
 

It seems he doesn’t want the same things out of life or feel the same sense of purpose in regards to how meaningful and crucial it is to love someone in a way where you put them first no matter how challenging it is or what selfish impulses may arise. That’s alright too, it just isn’t right for me. 
 

I don't exist to be idealized, devalued, and ghosted over and over depending on someone's mood, nor to hear that re-idealizing past partners on an endless loop is love. Sounds more like a harem meeting someone's self-centerd needs while he fails to meet anyone else's. But what do I know about narcissistic abuse cycles and toxic relationship dynamics — I guess it is easier for someone to think you’re mad and hurt because they didn’t ‘pick you’( AKA they imply or directly state you’re upset because it is your fault/ because you’re the problem/ you’re too flawed to see what is going on or to understand what you felt and why you felt it) than to accept you are upset because they actually did something unfair and wrong.
 

Maybe they should take all they are projecting in the bold font above and realize they are addressing themselves and their own flaws that negatively impacted the person they are now blaming and disregarding. It hurts!
 

Toxic behavior cannot be changed if its existence is denied and the blame is put on the people hurt by it. I didn’t get upset because I didn't get what I wanted. That sucked, sure. But what hurt and angered me was being treated badly, his misleading behavior and words, his invalidation, his disregard of my feelings, the back and forth, his total lack of sensitivity and how out of touch he is with the emotions and perspectives of others. That is what got to me.
 

I’m not so deeply in-like with him that I am heartbroken by him not wanting me or not being the one for me. Of course I want to be wanted! But I more so want for someone not to act like they want me then act like they don’t want me..then act like they do want me.. then act like they don’t want me over and over again just to then respond to me like I’m bonkers when it really hurts me and drives me insane! How is that fair??

I felt hurt by his carelessness and the fact won’t hold himself accountable for the negative impact it had on my feelings.
 

My feelings are hurt because he was so very inconsiderate towards me and treated me like less than a person multiple times. You don’t just treat people like they don’t exist like that.. especially after giving them so much of your focus at first..and back and forth. That shit hurts. 
 

And of course I should have gotten out, that is my responsibility.. my mistake.. my toxic traits and neediness… 

but he also shouldn’t pull people into that type of cycle to begin with…especially if he just blames them for caring when he pretended to care off and on confusing the heck out of them. It wasn’t just flirting. 
 

He didn’t merely flirt. He said multiple things about liking me, not ruling us out, wanting a lot of sexual experiences with me, and even said a couple of times at the start that he saw us dating as an inevitability- That is NOT ‘just flirting.’ He downplayed it so hard. Like I just imagined things. Holy cognitive dissonance Batman!!! That’s not ok. That messes with my head. It hurts me. 
  

That was leading me to believe he meant and wanted things I wanted. I was never only halfway feeling my feelings or halfway meaning my words. But his actions and most recent words make it seem he was leading me to believe he meant and wanted things he never did. That’s not right. Being a grown man and a player/ ladies man is not cool. It is cruel. It is selfish. It is .. for lack of a better word.. toxic. A person staying single because they are struggling isn’t selfless if they still break hearts the whole time. Living single isn’t supposed to be a free pass to treat other human beings like trash or interchangeable pieces of ass. 
 

My pain and frustration that my former crush invalidated came from a real place.
  

And I don't say I was treated unfairly because I’m butt-hurt. He acted like that’s what happened. Those are separate things. And I’m wasting my energy trying to explain myself to a person who doesn’t give a damn, yet again. Not that I’m going to try to talk to him about this. I gave up. A person either sees it or they don’t. He either cares or he doesn’t. He doesn’t care about me at all. It sure seems that way. And I guess I better start remembering to believe how people behave more than how sweet they speak to me from time to time.
  

Maybe all the broken hearts a man leaves behind and the chaos is evidence that he doesnt treat interpersonal relationships and women right. But once again.. what do I know?
 

It hurts me more than I can say to be treated like I don’t matter, because that is not how I relate to others or treat them. I don’t know how, and I don’t want to. So if it hurt so horribly.. I should’ve just accepted it hurt and turned away to keep my heart and psyche safe. I didn’t. I failed myself.
  

Instead of my repetition compulsion having me subconsciously reliving childhood dynamics, I feel I was trying to relive and rectify the last relationship I had. Because the person I loved with my entirety shamed, blamed, blindsided, abandoned and broke me. It’s hard to let go of pain that is so severe it translated as trauma. 
  

I wanted to get the chance to love someone who would do the opposite of what my last love did to me.. I wanted an outcome where I was held safe. I didn't get one. I didn’t even get the early stages of a normal, healthy relationship forming either. I should’ve known better. 
  

I feel like it was a familiar enough dynamic between myself and M. that I so badly wanted it to go better. It didn't.. but I was able to avoid falling in love, and he was good enough to be civil, return to friendliness, and almost apologize for the pain he caused me. I am grateful for that much, even if I wish I’d been shown the respect I deserve- The basic kind we are supposed to extend to all people. 
 

I caused myself pain and left myself open to it being inflicted, but he caused me a decent amount of pain on his own too. I'll get over the fact that he'll never realize or validate that. I'll validate myself and move on. 
 

Well, I’ll move in a different direction at least. Closing this door on the crush I saw potential with is hard, so you know my dumbass self is going to turn around and go back to the place I originally wanted to feel safe- with D.B.
 

I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of being alone and unseen. And at this very moment I want to give up for a little while. I'm sick of fighting and trying to do things right just to have nobody try to do right by me.
 

It really hurt when I realized I had never even stood a chance with M. after believing there were at least possibilities between us for more than a year. 

I shared how much I cried over that realization, and he acted like that was ridiculous. He acted like I was ridiculous. It is ridiculous for a man to think my feelings are not real or worth respecting unless he agrees with them. Everyone's feelings matter, and mine didn't come from nowhere.
  

I’m sick of getting hurt, and I’m even more sick of men not caring or believing me when I do.  
 

D.B. says he cares. He says he wants me. He will hold me. He’s the only man I’ve ever loved with my entire heart because he’s the only man I offered it to forever.. even if he shattered it and threw it away many times before.
  

I chose to love D.B. years ago, and I don’t take that choice or love lightly… because real love isn’t easy or a feel good drug like infatuatuon and lust. It is a selfless commitment to be there for someone else no matter what. Through the good and bad .. through everything no matter what you two are going through as individuals or as a couple. It is supposed to matter. It’s supposed to be a bond that is prioritized above all others. There’s supposed to be an attachment. A healthy, real one. It is sacred to me, not just a silly thing or a way to feel good. It’s what I’m made for. But offering something that beautiful and fulfilling has never mattered to the people who have mattered to me.
 

Anyway.. nobody else cares right now, and I will always care about D.B. no matter how it evolves. If someone good had come along and been interested in treating me right and loving me, I could’ve given my heart to them once I felt safe. Then that door to my ex would stay closed permanently…(unless D.B. were to magically choose to actually love me while I’m still single and uninvolved with anyone.) But nobody wants to love me or build love with me, so my heart is all alone. I’m tired. 
 

My heart hurts.  So I am giving in. My turn to not try when it gets difficult, sort of like the men I’ve fallen for seemed to do. I’m just so damn tired y’all. I’m sorry to disappoint you guys but sometimes I am not strong. Sometimes I just don’t want to feel, or I want to feel something that doesn’t hurt. Sometimes I see no point.  Sometimes I’m stupid and selfish.
  

My ex listened to me express how this crush stuff made me feel. I don't know what he really wants from me, but he says he cares. I care too. He comforted me and is being nice to me right now, so I'm just going to exist there until he takes it away again. I don't know.
 

I don’t know what I’m doing right now, I’m just doing it. I don’t want to think. I’ll be back to posting once I can come back down to earth. I don’t really want to be here right now. I don’t actually want to be anywhere. 
 

I’ll have to face my flaws and vulnerabilities that landed me in this sort of situation with this type of personality AGAIN. I can see a few of my flaws to address, but I think the crush’s passive aggressive mockery of my hurt, and therefore invalidation of my reality, was enough pain for this week. That was enough. I’m tired of taking on more hurt. So I’ll hurt and be hard on myself later. I need a break. I need an escape.  My turn. 

Mentally floating away and embracing my defenses in 3… 2… 1.. ⚠️  ;)