How Closure Was Possible

I don't want any of you getting misled, or feeling false hope that your abuser will provide you with closure. That practically never happens. My ex didn't give me the sense of closure I feel. I met him where he was at. I finished shutting the door he avoided slamming shut behind him this time around. (When he is kind, I know his cruelty is never far behind.) I worked with what was there, and found a way to make peace with it..That was closure for me. 

Legitimate closure with another person involves complete honesty from both parties. In the past I deeply desired for him to be truthful regarding his actual role in our relationship, and for him to take full responsibility for abusing me. I wanted him to tell me the truth about what I didn't mean to him, about his cheating, his lies.. all of it. He never offered that, he never will. But as I said, I've made peace with all of that. He's forgiven. Anger and sadness still pop up sometimes, but the entire relationship and strong bond finally feels.. done.

Sections:

What Does & Doesn't Matter Anymore

I was desperate for answers following the main discard. I needed to make sense of what took place. I needed to understand why I was so far gone and devastated. I needed to know what was real, or if I was ever going to feel capable of knowing anything again. I couldn't align my understanding of the world with how everything that stood before me had harshly shifted into something unrecognizable. I had no choice but to navigate through the misshapen, incomprehensible place the abuse left me.
  

The heartless way he treated me was not something I could ever do to anybody. It didn't make sense to me. That is, until I discovered narcissistic/psychopathic abuse. (I wrote about why and how I labeled the abuse here, Labeling the Abuse).
 

It doesn't matter if he never meant any of the things he claimed to have felt for me. It doesn't matter if all he did was lie and manipulate me to get whatever he wanted. Well, it matters, but not in the same way it used to! I don't NEED the answers in order to know how I was impacted— both negatively and positively.

I don't need for our relationship to have been real for me to care about and grieve how strongly I felt for him. I understand trauma bonds, cognitive dissonance and euphoric recall now... But it doesn't matter if my love for him was not healthy love, or if it was an addiction, an escape, or a fantasy.. No matter what it really was, it was real love for me then. How I felt was valid. 

I cherished how much I adored that man. It all meant a lot to me. Ours was a one-sided relationship, but his side being flimsy and false didn't make my side null. I gave, considered, endured, and loved with all I had. I was a good partner. 

All the energy and effort I put into our relationship deserves to be acknowledged. I know how wonderful of a girlfriend I was, it doesn't matter that he couldn't see it or appreciate the love I gave. He failed to recognize what was right in front of him, but it was still there. I was always there.

It was undoubtedly a dysfunctional, damaging relationship, but it still was one. He was abusive, but he was still my partner. It doesn't matter if he never let me know the real him, he still mattered to me. 

I cannot simply be unfazed by the loss of something I cared a great deal about just because I know it was toxic. It doesn't matter that he never cared. I cared. I know it wasn't what I'd define as actual love now, but for me it felt like intensely real and devoted love at the time. 

It does not matter that he played pretend, I still adored and gave all I had to whom and what I thought was there. I fully believed in all he told me existed between us. Whatever was there practically meant everything to me. Losing your 'everything' is a massive loss, even after you discover it was never technically there.

No matter what it was underneath the disguise, something was there and then it was gone. For me, that abrupt disappearance was a substantial loss. My hope, my love, my trust and my future... It was all there in front of me, then suddenly nothing was. Everything vanished. Moments after my heart felt full enough to burst, the faith that had filled it up was nonexistent.

I still had to go through the process of letting go of what I never had. I thought I had it, then it was stolen and killed off out of nowhere. That matters.
 

I had the right to be sad then, and I have the right to have moments in which I tear up now as I close the door on a lie that I was ready to live the rest of my life for less than two years ago. It still hurts sometimes. My pain was/is real, regardless of what he never managed to feel.

How I experience life matters. The good and bad parts of my past with D.B. will always matter, because that experience got me where I am. I am free from the toxic relationship. I can see it for what it was and not feel overwhelmed by rage or sorrow. 

I can feel who D.B. is and presume what he's done without being outraged or losing grip. I couldn't claim that merely a month ago, but I can confidently state it as fact now. This is a stage I thought I'd already reached months ago..but now I realize I've only recently mastered complete acceptance.
 

I've read a lot about how the stages of grief are not linear, but I've still finally made it to the last stage. I accept what happened, why it happened, and the personal growth required to prevent it from happening again.

I am happy in a deeper way now. Instead of finding distractions and endlessly hoping that someone will love me one day, I am finding healthy ways to be content in what is and love myself without requiring company or approval. 

I'm no longer waiting for things to fall into the perfect placement in order to live happily and fully. I do not need a man to want or love me so I can feel like it's acceptable for me to fully approve of myself too! 

Of course I still want to meet someone one day, but not for all of the same reasons I used to. I don't need a man to validate me so I can feel like I matter. I know I matter now..I actually knew that for a few years leading up to meeting my ex, but I feel it. Hopefully that will make it harder to forget. 

Why This Needs to End

D.B,

I doubt there's anything to say about this that I haven't already said to you before. I usually cannot figure out which version of you to address. I have no way of knowing who you genuinely are because of all the past contradictions. 

I cannot trust you, because every time I've given you any of my trust I've been blindsided and hurt.

Even if by some miracle I was able to be certain of who you really are, and I knew you'd never send me an ugly message or mess with my head again, I'd still need to say goodbye to you. Each period of no contact between us has increased slightly in duration. I have listed the dates here.
 

Please bear with me. There's a reason I'm reviewing all of this. I kept up with it to make the patterns and abuse more obvious while I was in denial about our relationship being abusive last year.. Otherwise, the blur our relationship was would've been even more impossible to make sense of and I would've likely never truly known what happened.
 

Discard 1: May 20,2020

Hoover 1: May 26, 2020
Duration: 44 days
Discard 2: July 8, 2020  (The Main Discard)

Hoover 2: August 9, 2020
Duration: 3 days
Discard 3: August 11, 2020

Hoover 3: September 29, 2020
Duration: 8 days
Discard 4: October 6, 2020

Hoover 4: January 28, 2021
Duration: 8 days
Discard 5: February 4, 2021

Hoover 5: July 2, 2021
Duration: 9 days
Discard 6: July 11, 2021

Hoover 5 Part II: July 17, 2021
Duration: 11 days
Discard 7: July 22, 2021

Hoover 6: December 20, 2021
Duration: 2 days
Discard 8: December 22, 2021

Hoover 7: January 3, 2022
Duration: Ended amicably.

After all of that..seeing the cycle repeat itself and witnessing how damaging it was to my mental (and psychical) health, it was clear what had to be done. I needed you to stay gone. 

After what you did on your birthday in 2020, I should have never let you back into my life. What you did that day was disgustingly cruel. Yet it was always incredibly easy to get pulled back into something extremely difficult! 

Logically, I've been knowing that never speaking to you again is what's healthiest for me. But sadly, I'm not always led by my logic or able to settle down enough to develop more rational thoughts while I'm upset. I'm getting better at it though! 😊 I will learn how. Some things are challenging, navigating abuse and the aftermath is difficult and overwhelming..but it is not impossible!

I will get this right. I've made many positive steps. I'm going to continue doing that. I wrote about when No Contact became easy a few months ago. I refuse to be dishonest with you, having interest in another man helped a lot. I never thought I could feel that completely over you. I don't mean that as an insult towards you..or to be rude. I NEEDED to be over you. 

Most of me was over the romantic portion of my attachment to you, but there was this one big part that felt tied down to you. When I returned to school and began seeing I was capable of continuing on with my life, getting over you became less of a challenge. I was able to go days without thinking about you. 

I was able to smile and hope again. 

Then, only a few weeks into school someone caught my attention. He just did. He really did. I say this with brutal honesty because, on the off chance you are still hung up on me (which I seriously doubt you are), you need to know..

For those months I had a seemingly mutual attraction thing going on with the man at school I didn't think about you at all,
with the exception of when I was writing about abuse on this website. Anyway..D.B. I did not know this man. We didn't 'talk' or anything like that. But I was very curious about him and he appealed to me. I liked how he talked and how he came across as a real person. Being in his presence felt good enough to get my heart racing and make me smile like an idiot. It was nice.

After how badly you shattered my heart I thought I'd never be able to want a man again. I thought it would at least take me many years to feel those sweet little fluttery feelings. He is who I wanted from September until, well..nowish. By 'wanted' I don't mean I wanted to be his insta-girlfriend. Gross. Wait. Let me make that make sense. I mean I wanted to learn about him as a person, and that I was also very physically attracted to him. 

For these past few months my mind has been on school, the crush, taking care of my son, and writing messes like this one -that's about it. You popped in my head when I'd get upset, more so the damage you caused would start tripping me up. But as far as longing for you..no, not even a tiny bit. There was only one dude I wanted near me..

I've gotten over that crush for the most part, because a month+ without contact is a long time to carry a flame for a stranger, ain't it!? Anyway. I know you did a lot of triangulation in the past to mess with my head. This isn't that, at least not narcissistic triangulation. 

First off, you and I aren't in a relationship. Secondly, I don't want you jealous or upset. I'm not trying to manipulate you like you did to me by making me feel insecure and unwanted. I'm trying to tell the truth and express clearly that you and I are done, that I'd finally managed to move on and notice somebody else. 
 

I want you to know my heart may still ache sometimes, but that it doesn't belong to you anymore. I want you to be fully aware that if that gentleman had actually made a move, instead of just being adorably flirty all semester, I would've never texted you my well wishes or unblocked your number after hearing your sweet voicemail.

Not because I didn't mean the kind words I said. I did and do. Not because I'm angry or hate you- I don't hate you, and I am not mad at you. I'm simply over you. When I was thinking clearly without you around I knew it was for the best that you were gone.

I'm deeply grateful for the more satisfying closure I'm now able to feel after seeing you to say goodbye. It was interesting to hold one last long conversation with you in person. Yet I must tell you, I was happier before I made the mistake of texting and unblocking your number. 

I was happier obsessing over why that man didn't make a move. Sure, I wasn't handling my intense anxiety regarding men perfectly, but even if I thought a little too much about a handsome stranger, it was better for me and more enjoyable than thinking about you.
 

I was happy being anxious, getting lost in deep thoughts, and writing my weird little heart out about whatever popped in my head! I was happier without experiencing the exhausting compulsion to try to figure out the true meaning behind your words and actions. 

I was happier without you here. Not because I hate you. D.B, I love you. I'm not in love with you, but I do care about you. I want you to be alright. I appreciate all I've learned since the day I ran into you. I don't appreciate the hellacious parts, but I appreciate the overall outcome. I do appreciate you, in ways I probably shouldn't.

Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for the most recent text offering me friendship and someone to talk to if I was ever in need. You told me you'd never delete me again. That was very nice.. but you’ve told me that and then blocked my number multiple times before. I can never be sure or let myself believe what you say because it always ends up letting me down or crushing me. We need to go separate ways.
 

I NEED TO MOVE ON- COMPLETELY. Sure, I'm single right now.. but even if I were to stay single forever, keeping someone who traumatized me to such an extent in my life would be unhealthy.
 

I trusted you handsome, and you betrayed me worse than anyone else ever has. I forgive you for every single thing you've done. I'm still working on forgiving myself for all of my failures too. However, forgiving you and caring for you as a person doesn't erase the severe damage your actions created.
 

I used to truly believe you were my future. I wanted to have a family with you. I believed in everything you said you wanted with me and that we would one day have. Keeping you in my life would be weird and painful! 

Even if somehow we could magically get along and you wouldn't abuse me, there'd be no point in me falling for you again anyway because you told me the last time we spoke in person that you will never get married or have a family….  So, even if I would've one day been in an unstable enough state to make the very unhealthy choice to be with you.. even me at my weakest would know there'd be no point in trying after learning you don't ever want a legitimate future.

Other than all of that, what if I do fall in love with someone new one day? I could never make a man I care about deal with knowing some man I used to be in love with, touch, and get horribly abused by is still a part of my world! That'd be selfish, and kind of mean. 
 

You and I are the past dear. It's time to make sure that's where we stay. I know this is my fault because I could've left your number blocked and maintained No Contact. But I faltered. I gave in. I was depressed. I was worried about you. I was feeling rejected, insecure, and nostalgic in a very unhealthy way. I'm sorry I reached out. I sincerely apologize for my error.

When I speak to you I get confused, my emotions start flying to unpredictable extremes, and I get sick to my stomach. I don't know you, but I do. I cannot know who you really are. You fucked with my head so badly that I cannot fully grasp my reality whenever you are a part of it..
 

I start doubting myself so intensely that I feel as though I've been pulled back in time to exist in the most helpless and uncertain moments of my life and our relationship.
 

I start getting terrified waiting for the next malicious words to come out of your mouth. I'm always waiting with a sickening sense of dread for you to hurt me again, because you always do..
 

I become so stressed when you're in the picture that I desperately crave relief from the painful, burdensome confusion and shame it creates within me.

How did I alleviate such pain in the past? What did I wait for to settle my mind and shut off my emotions? You. 

When you were hurting me, I'd not feel alright again until you soothed me with your kind words and affection. Once more, old habits die hard. 

I was so proud of myself for not giving in and reaching out to you just because that man didn't pursue me..but then all it took was holiday season and editing The Main Discard page to set me on shaky mental ground.
 

I should have taken a moment to breathe. I should've stopped editing the page and kept to myself until my triggered mind was able to stop panicking and hurting. 

I'm so sorry I gave in and messed up. I chose very poorly. I did the wrong thing. I'm sorry. That apology is for you and for myself. I'm still proud though, because I'm not giving up and I'm not hating myself or throwing away all of my progress because I failed. So what? People make mistakes. I'm learning. I've learned a lot over this past year. I'll keep improving.

This most recent time we spoke was better in regards to providing closure, but it was also worse in a few ways. I know that crush-man was a stranger, but I was into him. Sure, he could've secretly been a jerk. I would've gotten over that and him in a short amount of time. But when you first came around in December it hadn't been a full month since the semester ended. I still had hope that he might reach out. I had a massive crush on the guy, so talking to you felt wrong. 

I texted you about this person because I didn't want to lead you on. We talked about it in detail the first day we started texting in December, remember?
 

Talking to you, I know it wasn't wrong. Well, not wrong in the way I'm trying to explain it made me feel. I am a very loyal woman. You know that.. I loved you, you had my full attention and know I would've never had interest in another man for the rest of my life. But you hurt me and left me behind repeatedly, so I'm not in love with you anymore. 

You didn't fight for me, you only kept breaking me down and running away. I would've fought by your side all the way up to Discard 5. Although I shouldn't have been willing to fight for a toxic relationship..Yet, I tried my best each time you came back. I started developing a form of hope during each hoover. 

But last time you came back I didn't want to hope for what I used to hope for because I liked this stranger guy! I was hoping for something new and healthier. 

Although he was merely a crush, talking to you and even allowing myself to consider being near you again made me feel guilty and gross. I told you that, yet you requested sex and ended up getting impatient with me.
 

I don’t share my body with just anyone because, although it is only a part of me, it is intertwined with the other parts that make me an entire person. All of me needs to experience the connection.. not just my body.

Even if I could magically override my deeper needs enough to give you what you want.. it'd be hard for me to enjoy the physical aspects with someone I'm afraid of. My body can't be fully satisfied if my heart and mind aren't feeling just as seen, attuned to, and wanted as my body does. Each time I’ve gotten involved with you since the main discard it’s left me feeling flustered, ashamed, used, and confused.

You treated me like I was nothing but my phyiscal form and all it provided you. I don’t know how to dehumanize myself the way you did, and I don’t want to. I will not try to forcibly stop myself from valuing genuine intimacy just because you fail to recognize its importance.

All of this is why I was uncomfortable when you asked me for “Christmas sex” right after I told you I was curious about someone else and still struggling. I wasn’t mentally or emotionally up for that..Those parts of my mind impact the physical, because.. I am an entire person with needs and feelings.
 

The little..or awkwardly massive crush I had on that guy occupied me, there was no room left for you. I am a one-man type of lady, even if the man taking up real estate in my mind is a stranger or fleeting infatuation. In all fairness, I wanted to get to know him as a person and see if there was any potential there. Regardless, I wanted him..not you. I had a point. Um yes. If you haven't done so yet, move on. 

Most of me is sure you never cared about me, so you don't actually need to move on. That's alright.. But if I am wrong about that, and you did/do care in your own dysfunctional way.. I need you to know that I was finally ready to date other people with you gone. I was ready to let a man get to know me. 

There was a specific man that I was enjoying flirting with, staring at, and thinking/dreaming about for three consecutive months. It was awesome! It was so much fun. Having a crush was the happiest I'd been in a while. I'm happy now too, getting back to happy at least..but damn. That was fun. The rush of seeing someone's face, ya know? Especially when they talk to you like they've been wanting to see your face too. Good stuff. Mehh. Ok. It's fine. There are other faces out there. lol 

I didn’t get to know this man, but I want the opportunity to get to know new people.. At least then I’ll have a chance to learn someone who actually wants to learn me too. If I let you trick me again I’ll just end up in worse pain from more years passing with me deprived of knowing what it’s like to be loved. You said you’d show me— you didn’t.

Keeping you around is dangerous.. because sometimes I am feeling low and want to be wanted.. but at the same time I know you'll never want me for me.. And you’ll definitely never stay around. You’ve always only pursued me for a few aspects of myself and thrown me away once you stopped desiring them enough to ‘put up’ with me and all my ‘drama’(AKA- my need to be treated like an actual person)

Anyway—

I should edit this. It's supposed to be a heartfelt goodbye, but right now it keeps going back to my needs or that guy. Sorry. I'm not trying to be an asshole, but I want to make certain things abundantly clear. Even with you moving back to Texas I still feel the need to protect myself because you always come back eventually. That's what I'm used to, so I'm telling you these things to make sure you know I am done. I need to be.
 

I do care about you and saying goodbye still hurts for some reason, but I need you to stay gone forever. I'm not playing with you or trying to harm you. It's the truth. I was more than ready to date people and eventually fall in love with somebody new. I still am ready for that. I'm ready to move on.
 

If you don't want to hear about another man, or possibly other men, please stop reading my page. Alright? I mean, if I ever end up dating someone I won't write about that relationship on this website..but if I just go on to have funny crushes, I will write about those. Not to be rude, hurt you, or triangulate you..just to honestly journal/blog about my life. K? Shoot, this writing went in a whole different direction than I had originally planned.

This isn't your goodbye. I have too much left to say to you- A lot more positive things that aren't related to any other man or me explaining defending myself and my writing because I'm accustom to my thoughts and feelings getting attacked. Oops. This will need to be a separate section.
 

You aren't being deleted D.B, I'm just moving on. You had me, and you could've had me forever. You chose you didn't want that every time you attacked me or gave up on us. I didn't quit. You ran away every time.

I'm quitting in order to restore my peace of mind and fully recover. I should've 'quit' you a long time ago, but I didn't want to until I realized my heart had managed to let you go. My heart didn't move on until well over a year after you discarded me on your birthday.
 

I was able to get interested in another man because my heart accepted you were gone and that it deserved to be cared for properly. I need to keep moving forward, no more stepping backwards and stumbling around. Alright?
 

No Contact is the only way I can stop being scared that my care for a man will make my world collapse in on me again. I shouldn't have to live on edge waiting for someone to hurt me the way I know they always do.
 

Even if you were planning to be kind to me forever now, the pain you put me through won't let my heart and mind go whenever you're around. I'm sorry.

The Real Goodbye