Crazy
04/14/2021
1/2022 UPDATE: Last time I saw my ex he told me he realized why we could never get along. He went on to tell me "It's because you're a psychotic bitch." I gave him a look and he said "No, no. I'm a psychotic bitch too!" That kind of interaction is the same thing as when they gaslight by using an insult disguised as a joke. That way if you confront them they can respond to you like you're foolish or insane.
Sections:
- “Crazy”
- His Blame-Game
- During Each Hoover
- Texts Slideshow+Stories
“Crazy”
He loved to leave, almost as much as he loved the degrading remarks he'd spit out during each exit. -"Pathetic!" "Fucked!" "Crazy!" "Dramatic!" "Manipulative!" "Selfish!" "Insane!" "Clueless!" "Liar!" "Damaged goods."
He never got very creative with the name calling, but it never failed to hurt me. It hurt because the intent to cause me harm was always glaringly obvious. I would usually be hurt by the fact that he was trying to hurt me, not by the merit of his insults. The blasts he'd fire off as he'd discard me were always cheap shots. It was apparent he was launching an attack against my greatest insecurities, and the wounds he knew I was in the midst of struggling to heal. It was a disgusting way to be treated.
- It is a crazy way to conduct oneself in such an animalistic/abusive manner, and still think you are the better and more worthwhile individual.
- It is crazy to have a good woman love you, and to think that her selfless devotion to you proves her inferiority.
- It is crazy to think love is for the weak, when you aren't even strong enough to do it.
- It is crazy to put great effort into deceiving someone, and to think they are stupid for believing the convincing fabrications you customized and presented
- It is crazy to be given someone's trust, and think that means they deserve to have it exploited.
- It is crazy to repeatedly tear someone apart, just so you can laugh at them when they finally break.
- It is crazy to feel the need to push someone good down, just to feel strong as you hoist yourself higher (all while doing zero work on yourself). If you were strong you wouldn't have to use mistreating others as a crutch to steady your weak stance. One day that crutch will be harder to come by, and you will fall flat on your face and have no idea how to stand back up without people around to do it for you by being something to prop yourself up against. You will be alone at the bottom, and it'll be only one person's fault. You will destroy yourself, if you haven't finished doing so already.
- It is crazy to meet someone better than you, and commit only to making them less.
- It is crazy to rig a fight, but still think you are a victor when the person you've cheated has lost.
- It is crazy to be a dysfunctional nobody, but to still think you lord over all those you have to first sneakily drag down to conquer.
- It is crazy to have broken me apart, just to then detest me for no longer being whole.
- It is crazy to be unstable, and call someone whom you knocked off of their equilibrium the crazy one for struggling to regain balance.
- It is crazy to live without purpose, and look down upon individuals who actually choose to live for something beyond themselves.
- It is crazy to have nothing going for you, and yet tell a person with a future and an actual heart that they are pathetic and unworthy of you.
- It is crazy to be 40 years old and still act like an obnoxious, arrogant, entitled bully who has not yet developed intelligent communication skills or the ability to have meaningful/honest interpersonal relations. Good luck with that..Let's see where you are in 10-15 years. I can guess...probably mooching of someone and hating the world while abusing more women.
- It is crazy to use brute force and manipulations to violate someone's mind, body and spirit instead of doing something more productive with evolved methods of human interaction that require both self-control and intellect. I know you aren’t stupid..so why do something as stupid as abuse your sweet girlfriend??
- It is crazy to be broken enough to reject the only good you could have ever had in your life.
- It is crazy to not be able to feel or care, but to easily be able to seek, destroy, shame, mock, poke, blame, belittle, attack, betray, and abandon.
- It is crazy to be a full-grown man who is too lazy to maintain a real relationship, but who is still able to expend endless amounts of energy faking one to destroy another human being for entertainment and to look good to his family. Enjoy the ego boost, but people will see eventually notice how you have nothing but endless stories that blame everyone else..You don't keep a partner because you are the worst one possible. I was too good for you, and I'm sure every single woman you've dated before was too good for you as well..but you lie and say they went crazy..Project away handsome..keep going nowhere..keep living as nothing but damage causing more damage.
- It is crazy to create an elaborate false reality built upon manipulative lies just to sleep with someone/use them, and still consider yourself better than anyone at all, including the person you victimized.
- It is crazy to lie about an ex-partner to look good to people who will eventually see you for who you really are in the end anyway- an emotionally underdeveloped, manipulative and abusive fraud.
- It is crazy to think you can maintain the same lifestyle forever when it is obvious the lies and destruction will look sleazier and much more suspicious the closer and closer you get to being full blown middle-aged without anything to your repertoire but a bunch of supposed crazy, manipulative ex girlfriends who are still so desperately 'in love' with you. All your extreme stories aren't as smooth as you think. They aren't natural, and you mix up the details when you repeat them because you forget you've already told them to the same person multiple times before.
- It is crazy to recklessly go about breaking everything around you, just to convince yourself that those who bother building are the fools. Even though if the fools didn't build, you'd be nothing because all you live for is to destroy to feel like you matter..to give yourself a sense of power because you know the truth deep down- that life is the opposite of all the lies you tell yourself to feel how you so desperately need to feel- Like the smartest,
strongest,
coldest,
most desired,
most complicated,
most deserving,
most unappreciated
and most misunderstood man alive..the badass who just hasn't yet gotten what he deserves: which is the best of everything/whatever he wants and can get because others are stupid enough to let him have it) It is crazy that you live as a lie within a lie you created.
- It is crazy to make fun of/demean people for experiencing the full range of emotions that human beings are SUPPOSED TO experience.
- It is called a disorder for a reason-the rest of us aren't inferior and weak because we care and want deeper meaning...We are the ones wired correctly. It is crazy to keep lying to yourself by insisting you are better than the rest of us, when you are the one who has faulty wiring. (Which doesn't make you matter less than anyone else, but it does make you a damaging, heartless asshole!)
His Blame-Game
The following is mostly me rambling out some of my jumbled thoughts regarding his behavior during hoovers..
I wasted all of my energy this past year or so. I invested all of my emotions and time into a ruthless, exploitative charade. I've saved copies of all we discussed, and the eight+ hours of audio recordings so I can remind myself how bad it can get when he returns..and of how convincing he can be just to turn around and contradict everything kind he promises is true. Even when he starts off sounding predictably full of shit during a hoover, I will go from rolling my eyes at his lines..to feeling hope again within a few hours at most.
Each time he returns, he manages leave me feeling utterly dismayed and hopeless. I then get to start the healing process all over again. He breaks my heart and runs away after telling me that the hell I‘m in is due to my own issues, because I am crazy It is all my fault, the abuse and the serious damage it caused, is all placed on ME..I am responsible for what he did..He shames me for what HE DID, by saying I did it to myself. He always tries to convince me of anything other than the truth..which is, that all the pain is the direct result of his toxic, abusive and unstable personality.
I was giving a self-admitted abuser, who said he knew he’d put me through hell, another chance(for the fifth time), but he went ahead and threw shade at me-the person he knew loved him and was trying. No shame. His hateful words and actions were unacceptable. I forgive him for all of it, but I know that means nothing to him.(and that's forgiven too!) He'll just convince himself that I'm beneath him so he can deflect responsibility, guilt, or shame.. Or, simply to be mean because he's sadistic. I hope his heart changes. I hate how he have behaved badly, but I don't hate him, and I won't.
I wish he'd take the lie he told me about seeing a professional, and actually reach out to one. Anyone with PTSD, addiction, a history of being abused and/or being an abuser, etc etc. can use assistance. He called me crazy because I seek regular treatment for CPTSD/ Depression (as only a responsible, sane adult would)-alrighty. Now I'll just be referenced like every. single. one. of his exes. He described them all as crazy, manipulative bitches who wouldn't leave him alone. Until I'd get insecure enough, then he'd talk about how good their hair smelt or how they knew him really well and were actually great people who he couldn't be unkind too in their time of need..
Others who are involved with him long enough will eventually catch on to the fact that where there's smoke, there's fire. He knows his final texts to me during each hoover were simply additional emotional abuse. He doesn't care. He can always justify it to himself- She deserved it. I know he'll refuse professional treatment, but I wish he wouldn't for his own sake. Everyone deserves to live better than how he does. I hope one day he will..but he won't.
He will stay angry and full of hate. I am not even mad at him, majority of the time. I'm hurt, and sad for him. I pity that he doesn't have enough inner stability or peace to avoid being so malicious. He has talents, and people who love him at his worst. I still want him to be happy and alright. However, I cant change that or help him. I can only learn and move forward. He can tear me apart all he wants..All I can do is be thankful that I'm not him and that I will live a better life with him out of it.
He insulted me the best way he could think of at a time he thought I was most vulnerable. I was never out to hurt him, I never will be. His name will never be used, his family or friends will never be contacted. I know legally I could use his first name or full initials..I won’t. I know how to do a lot of things that I won’t do.
I refuse to hate him just because he hates me. Hurt, anger, and disapproval of hateful actions is not the same as the hate of the person. He knows my heart, he just doesn't mind crushing it because he doesn't know what it's like to have one. That is ok. I forgive him. My anger will come and go in waves, but that anger will never make me want him to suffer. Why would it? I actually meant it when I said, "I love you."
Guess I’m just "crazy" like that.🤷🏻♀️
Guess I’m just "crazy" like that.🤷🏻♀️
During Each 'Hoover'
He sounded sincere and had such reassuring conviction each time he came back around.. He used the perfect words to fill me with happiness and comfort.
His presence and speeches led me to believe there was hope, and that the conversations were mutually beneficial. We'd speak about so much.
All I ever wanted was for all of it to be real..and for him to talk with me and to help assist in healing 'us' just as he claimed was determined to do.
I wanted normal conversations and for things to not always be so stressful when it came to interacting with him.
I am not difficult to get along with, and my standards obviously weren't that high or he'd never have had me.. BUT somehow he still made me think I pushed for too much from him. Ugh!
I am a mess sometimes, I have issues..but I am down to earth and not a cruel, pushy, or excessively needy partner.
I became needy with him because he kept me so miserable and starved for affection, certainty, kindness.. Practically anything positive he swore he had for me was always conveniently just out of reach..
Then he'd treat me like I was crazed lunatic if I showed signs of confusion, exhaustion, pain or desperation for stability.
He's absolutely horrible. I may need require a man's sensitivity, patience, and affection sometimes..but if that is too much for a grown man to handle he doesn't deserve me.
My sympathetic nervous system became a whirlwind each time he'd show back up.
He'd begin attacking me if I kindly expressed I was feeling badly because his behavior was clearly contradicting all the beautiful words he used to win me back mere days prior.
He'd get very angry and cold towards me for having feelings and wanting things to make sense.
He'd blame and shame me.
I'd quickly start to see what I'd been pulled back into, and I'd end up feeling hateful towards myself for being back in the miserably confusing, unsafe situation.
Basically, he'd start stonewalling me as soon as he got what he wanted, and in response I'd start begging for communication.
Anytime I let him know I'd fallen down, his reaction never failed to be him kicking me down further. His heartless responses to my suffering spoke volumes.
He pretended to understand what his actions caused, yet he still responded to me as if his horrific behaviors couldn't have possibly created the difficulties I was facing.
He'd come back saying he was sorry and that he wanted to marry me, just to then leave me as soon as he knew I was all wrapped up in him again.
Five times now.. He has begged for forgiveness and declared care/undying love, change, a certain future-just to follow it up by a sudden lashing out and verbally trying to destroy me when he thought it would have the biggest most painful impact on me. Five times now..
I let him know how terrified and lost I was because I had no idea why I was feeling the way I was. I was shaken to my core. Would you like to guess how he responded??
He responded with words that could've easily pushed me over the edge.
I'd beg for comfort because I was so afraid. He'd respond by attacking all my greatest pains and vulnerabilities like he wanted me destroyed..dead.
Or he'd ignore me for several days and THEN attack me and block my number after he made sure he had hurt me as much as humanly possible.
He tried to blame my 'baggage' from years ago..To blame it all on the fact that I was simply crazy. Anything to minimize my experience and deny responsibility for the consequences of HIS actions. Never his fault, always mine.
His excuses and avoidance.. His, "You were messed up before me.". So him being abusive wasn't that bad- I was just too messed up, too sensitive, too crazy-(another abuse tactic) He never accepts it is his fault if his actions hurt people.
He always finds a way to shift blame and accuse others of blaming him for placing accountability where it belongs..Or who he abused deserved his attack..so therefore it is justified abuse? 🤦🏻♀️
The guilt from the past is fading because I now see I am only guilty of letting him steamroll right over me, while I sat in self-doubt and my over-consideration for the feelings of a man who constantly crushed and twisted mine— Then he would be angry if I let him know that I expected him to care about my pain more than his annoyance and entitlement to be treated with the upmost respect- Respect which he never thought I was worthy of receiving from him in return.
All I ever had to do to see the true him was tell him I was at my absolute lowest.. Any time I'd reach out to let him know I was hurting and in need, he'd say things to me things that would push anyone who was in a fragile mental state over the edge.
When let him know I was experiencing suicidal ideation after all of the hideous abuse, he stepped up his game and said things that showed he wanted me dead. He actually told me he wanted me dead during his rage on his birthday.
He hated me that much on a day in which all I did was give him a loving, thoughtful gift and offered him my unconditional love. THAT made him want me devastatingly miserable and gone.
It was as if I were standing at the edge of a cliff, and he was shouting "Jump! JUMP!"
When recalling such moments, I reflect on how he joked about being psychopathic, and I no longer think he was kidding.
That's still not something I can fully grasp that someone I was in love with is a literal psychopath..I'm not using that term as a degrading name, but as in referencing the actual medical condition..Someone with full blown ASPD.
Would it be easy for you to look in the eyes of who you love, and to believe with absolute certainty that there is a complete emotional disconnect between them and fundamentally all of humanity? No conscience? No care?
I still cannot accept it. Yet, he keeps showing me he is hollow..unfeeling..depraved..and narcissistic..So how much more convincing do I need!?
The cognitive dissonance caused by the clashing realties of our relationship and of his true personality, makes the complex situation an even murkier one.
He always lashes out if his wrongs are mentioned, as if someone else's actions made him do it, or whomever was offended or hurt by him simply must be the problem; they must be crazy, messed up, or a complete bitch.
He had just said a few nights prior to this one of his most recent discards that he was happy I wasn't 'normal' because I could understand his messed up mind better. Well.. no, it doesn't and didn't help. Because I still don't understand wanting someone who loves you to be devastated or to die...I don't actually understand wanting anyone to hurt that way.
The way he hates me for:
- Loving him unconditionally..
- Being kind..
- Not being tough and unfeeling..
- Requiring effort..
- Daring to stand up for myself, and calling out his bullshit..
- Doubting him after he had blindsided and hurt me repeatedly..
- Requiring reciprocated, unselfish love..
- Having and displaying the damage his destructive behavior caused..
- Hoping he'd be willing to be strong and long-suffering for me since I had withstood and forgiven all the misery he put me through (he had said he would work through anything with me, no matter how difficult, only days before his most recent hateful actions.