This is gonna be FUN

 Well...it may not all be fun for me, but it sure won't be boring. Brace yourself for his excuses, blame-shifting, lies, self-promotion, and BIG promises of changes to come. There are 18 sections below.
 

Enjoy his bullshit, and the sarcastic approach I took in translating it.🔥🖤 
(All recordings are from Hoover 3)

Him During Each Hoover:

I tortured you. I scarred you. I abandoned you. But let us come back together so you can have the honor of helping ME. Enable me again, you're so good at it babe! Let me get away with it. Be on my side, trust me, forgive everything and just listen- Help me help myself!
 
Carry all of my weight without limits, even though it will cause you to collapse. I'm done now. Thanks. Why'd you fall!?? Weak! Get back up on your own, I don't have to put up with this! You're too crazy and selfish! Byeeeeee. 

See ya in a few months, as soon as you've fought like hell to heal a tiny bit. I'll thank you for your forgiveness by ruining your progress and blaming you for the pain I inflict. Each performance has to outdo that last! I'm awesome.

1. Not leaving!

I cannot believe you think I'm going to do exactly what I always do!!! ..That’s so unfair!
 

Did you not hear all my promises and big plans!????
 

Did you not hear all those pretty words!?
 

I'm trying! What more do you want from me!?!?

Jeeeze! Your standards and needs are too high! You're pushing too hard by needing me to behave like a decent person who actually cares about you. Stop being so high maintenance! You're obviously the problem here.. with such insane demands to be treated like a person. 
 

You're so clueless and selfish.. But I love you, so I will try to make it work  with your crazy ass anyway, because I'm such a good guy.
 

To not just believe in me with that entire heart of yours (which I shattered) is kind of selfish of you..and it isn't helping ME. I need you to believe!
 

For you not to have full faith in me will make this harder for ME and may cause me to fail..since all responsibility is on you..
 

I mean, because I need you to support me because I have it so rough and nobody ever has my back. Except for you who I have abused and taken for granted whilst taking advantage of.. Cough. Cough.
 

Don't let me down like the everyone else has. I need you to be there for ME. It'll all be ok. You can trust me.
 

I will be here for you, I'm all in and won't being going anywhere this time. You are safe, I'm all yours.
 

Trust me again. Go all in for ME again; you won't regret it...😇

2. Shame-Sham

I know I should feel ashamed. I don't. I need to seem to care. I need you to think it matters to me, and that I regret the the bad I have done to you.
 

Can't you tell how much I've changed? Can you see how much you matter to me? I need you to think you matter. I am ashamed, because you matter. Do You believe me? You should.
 

I am so ashamed and need you to comfort ME and show ME mercy. Hear ME, understand ME as I fail to ever try to understand you. I am so ashamed..

And in less than a week I am going to discard you again, after stonewalling, gaslighting, minimizing, avoidance, denial, and belittlement of your very character, sanity, and worth AGAIN.. ok?
 

It is so hard for ME to live with all the evil I have done to others..

 

Pity and accept ME, so I can reject YOU.😘

3. Cursed

MEeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I know that I put you through hell. I'll say I feel bad about it. But I will spend all my time in our conversation explaining why I did what I did, advertising who I 'really am' and how much better I will be.
 

I know this is the first time you've heard my voice since I broke your heart again. So let's kick this thing off right and set the focus to the proper point!
 

We will never discuss the impact my mistakes have had on you in detail. I will say I know I did wrong. That I was awful. But I will never ask about how YOU are. I will not ask how my bad actions have YOU feeling about who YOU are, Why you did what YOU did, what YOU want to do, or what YOU are thinking and experiencing...
 

Me . Me. ME. 

I don't want to do bad because it is a bummer for ME. It is just yet another heavy thing to add to my already weighed down life!! I have to do better so I can feel better. I have to make this right with you for ME.
 

My life is so hard, I will tell you all about MY struggles..but in a few days when you share yours which I happen to have caused--I will shut you down and destroy you..K? :)
 

I will just be having a bad day..You just don't understand. Nobody does. Life picks on me. I don't know why these bad things keep happening to me! Like girlfriends randomly going crazy on me! I'm not the cause. I'm great. I'm a good guy..Such a good guy with a big heart. I even love hugs!
 

I don't have to put up with this. I'm not entitled, I just know I deserve better than everyone else- especially the woman who loves and sacrifices her happiness and health for ME. Because she is so worried about ME she forgets about herself, then when does remembers and expresses her own identity I make sure to reject it, abuse her, and run away. I mean, what? NO. THAT'S JUST NOT WHO I AM!
 

But did you notice how impressive it was that I took responsibility and initiative!? You saw that right? I need you to see it.
 

I am making sure to show you who I am..I am making sure to say what I need to say to get you to think what I want you to think about ME, because it's true. It is, can't you tell. 
 

I was so selfless and compassionate. How'd it make me look to finally admit to my mistakes? Can you see how mature, caring, and truly sorry I am? Can you see me? Can you see how good I really am?
 

Just look, I'll keep telling you, don't worry. It is so obvious, even you will be able to catch on! Ha just kidding babe! Just like my backhanded compliments I used to give.
 

Hey remember when you kindly offered me a pillow for my chair because you loved me and knew I had been hurting..and I responded without a smile or polite tone "Nah, I WANT my ass to hurt." But I let you know I was just kidding when I saw your pitiful face. I'm no monster, that's not who I am. It was a joke, obviously.. just like the last time we played cards with my mom and I could tell you didn't understand the game. My mom then suggested for us to take a minute to explain the game to you, but I chimed in and said we didn't need to explain to you because you're not a complete idiot.. I was innocently complimenting you.
 

You're crazy, but..you do see how admirable I am, right? Especially considering all I am up against! If life were fair, I would be even better!
 

But it is just so hard for me..Everything is so difficult and I am always on the edge of disaster..
 

So please remember not to push my buttons babe. ok? I am being such a good man by being vulnerable enough to let you know to watch your step and what line to follow to avoid bothering me and making me experience things I don't care for..

I don't want to be mean to you and run away. Just be careful and follow the directions I provide you ok? 
 

Be fair and stay on the path I made for you, because I am already trying so hard. see it. See me. See ME and act like you see who I want you to see.
 

Do what you are supposed to, ok? For ME. And then I will love you..as long as you do what I want you to and never stand up for yourself.
 

Just let me have my way..kk? Or I will take my way by force and breaking others so they are easier to control. I mean, uh just don't be difficult.
  

If you follow my orders, everything will be great for us— because it will be great for ME. :) Yay.

4. Cheating?

Let's try to blame why you suspected me on something else..to something that is wrong with you( but I'll manipulatively act concerned about that flaw that made you suspicious of me for NO valid reason to do with ME and MY behavior)
 

Hear how cautious and concerned I am being while asking the question? Do I seem to care? I should seem to. You noticed it right. Look how considerate I am..Look at how I am trying to understand because I care about you..Not at all because I want to take some of the blame off of my shoulders where it belongs. Nope.
 

No..I am owning it..see. Stop overthinking silly. It was an innocent question..I wasn't implying anything to insult, minimize or deflect. Nooooo.
 

I didn't just openly mock you being in debilitating pain by saying it was all caused by YOUR incorrect assumptions... I surely didn't just insinuate that you were traumatized and devastated simply because you thought I cheated on you when I broke up with you. (Discarded abusively)
 

I didn't just act like you could be as upset and crushed as you were over a misunderstanding...and due to your own inability to know what was actually going on..Silly, simple girl. 

I am in no way implying that you were overreacting. being oversensitive..and caused your own trauma by jumping to silly little conclusions when the relationship ended! I didn't say that! I didn't just throw all the blame and responsibility I should be taking back at you..the person I've nearly destroyed. NO! I was just wondering, because I care about you. To assume otherwise is insane and psychotic.
 

I definitively did not just try to create a false narrative and warp you reality to say that that you were scarred for life over a MISUNDERSTANDING. No. I would never...That's just not who I am.
 

You will hear me say "That's just not who I am" many times in this conversation..so know it is true. K. It is true.
 

Side note to D.B.-

No sir, that is not why I was nearly destroyed, and you know it! Also..in regards to the cheating- I suspected it because of YOU and your actions! All you did was give me reasons to feel unsafe and not trust you. You triangulated like it was nobody's business! The hell you created with Rose was heartless and evil of you. It was you inflicting pain intentionally to get the outcome YOU wanted. Shame on YOU.
 

Cheating is horrible..it can leave scars. BUT THAT IS NOT WHY I WAS SO BROKEN. I was broken because of all the abuse. ALL OF IT. Because of YOU. YOU made me suspect things, YOU made me sad, YOU made me insecure. YOU. 
 

It's adorable how you can make it all about you, until it is actually supposed to be. Jackass...

5. Stonewalling Is Fine..

Let me explain away the stonewalling to make it not so bad and abusive. It was abuse..stonewalling is abuse. BUT let me explain the sad reason I did it. It wasn't because I am a bad, selfish person..it is because I was too busy struggling with ME. Nothing selfish about that! I was just focusing on..MYSELF.
 

I was too busy trying to supposedly calm myself down to stop hurting you.
 

I was too busy with myself to do anything with you.
 

I knew you were in pain, you'd text me about it..respectfully..the texts would make most people feel something, like concern or guilt for causing the person that love so much pain and confusion..but I just got mad you wouldn't respect me enough to shut up and let me do what I needed to do for ME.
 

So really my abuse wasn't abuse, you just didn't understand why I was doing it, or how it was your fault for not handling me carefully enough..or for needing and expecting too much from me..like conversations and consideration.
 

See, Look at how good of me to take responsibility for my actions against you. I admit I ignored you when you were reaching out and even when you let me know me ignoring you was hurting you. I am admitting I did it on purpose BUT I had a good reason. Do you see how good I am?
 

See how it was bad, but not that bad because I didn't mean to be bad to you?? You just failed to give me enough space or lower your expectations and ignore your own feelings and needs adequately.
 

Not talking on the phone for two months straight and me ignoring you with zero contact for a week or more at a time..and you still need more attention from me than that!? geeeeze you're so high maintenance. I'll tell you passive aggressively and sarcastically as we take a romantic stroll by my mom's house-don't worry! I will say it was all my fault, but still talk around it enough to explain it as something smaller than the hell it was for you.
 

I was just being silly complicated me..getting all wrapped up in myself and my inner rage..haha Let's laugh it off, K? I'm a good guy.

We can figure out how to do better..even though you already did EVERYTHING for me and were careful enough the first time around....I will be kind enough to show you how to be even more careful with me so we can make it. That would be wonderful for ME..because you know I want a kid and stuff for ME. 
 

You always go above and beyond to try to accommodate me, but I need more ..and for you to need NOTHING. k? :)

6. Layers of Bad

Look at how complex and unique I am! Look at how messed up I am; it is no wonder I was so bad to you. Look, even a professional said I was really broken and messed up. Isn't that sad, conveniently pitiful instead of malicious? Have I changed your negative opinion of all the abuse and of my character? You see I am good now? That it was just so COMPLEX. Don't you believe it is sad instead of evil?
 

You should. I am making it clear, for you, I am leading you right to it. Look, I am complicated!..Life is hard for me. That's why I am cruel to you. You must see that, and understand. I know you do. I need you to, and you do everything you can to do what is best for ME..that's why this is so fun..I mean, why I love you so much. That big pure, loving, gullible, weak and pathetic heart I take full advantage of..I mean-your incredible heart that I want to repair and protect forever..I swear. Give me a chance. You'll be so happy. Please let me make you happy for ME!
 

I know when I was talking about your heart, I almost let the truth slip when I said "You gotta big heart, and you just got the wrong--with the wrong person---" I was thinking 'you just got the wrong person.' But I'm not the wrong person, I'm different now, I don't give up..that's not who I am. I will prove it to you, no matter what you need me to do..I will promise to show you for as long as it takes (and then run as soon as you actually request what I offered.) because I love you. I do.

7. Pushing You Away

I am seeing a therapist. Or at least I need you to think I am. I mean, I need you to know I am seeing a specialist to make sure you believe I've made actual progress, so you can get your hopes invested in the idea that it'll be different this time around.
 

Can't you see my effort? I will tell you, so you can know who I am and all I am doing overcoming because I am so strong and good deep down..Let us first talk about what I want to tell you.
 

Let me explain away everything and give grand speeches about all aspects of ME. The intricacies of your mind, life experiences, past traumas, current pain I caused, are all nowhere on my mind to discuss or care about. We will talk about what is on my mind-ME. Let me advertise and sell who I am to you. Ok? Let me paint a picture for your to see ME. Can you see what I need you to see? Let me explain why I abused you in a way that shows it was because of how damaged and afraid I am. I am just so afraid of love and good that I push it away. That is why I broke your heart, insulted you, degraded you, accused you, abandoned you, blindsided you, crushed you, triggered past wounds and traumatized you and hindered your ability to trust and your faith in yourself and others.
 

I am simply so complicated, and suffering horribly because I push everyone away. Because I pushed YOU away(AKA-abused)! I broke you to push you away and protect MYSELF...and that was incredibly difficult and painful for ME.
 

It really is so deeply sad for ME. Abusing you has really taken away from MY life and MY happiness. I am telling you what I am after..Can you see how much I need you to be there for ME? Breaking your heart really impacted ME and upset ME
 

I'm having a bad day because it is supposedly it is my deceased daughter's birthday..the daughter I said nobody in my family knew existed....the daughter I had no picture of but a negative lost somewhere, the daughter I never told you wasn't biologically mine until nearly a year after first mentioning her..When after this incident I went to therapy with you and told yet another version of the story regarding the relationship with my ex wife and our daughter. (Remember when you first heard about my child after I no-showed to our second date and used it as a way to minimize your pain and problems because losing her was way worse and made me no longer phased by 'petty' things?...remember the graphic details of her death I told you that caught you off guard and broke your heart? And how they distracted you from holding me accountable for bailing on you and refusing to talk about what was important to you. Yeah, that daughter I totally had.)

I am sad and reached out because I need you to be there for ME. I need something, I feel like dealing with you. Please listen to ME, believe ME, and give into ME and whatever it is I want and need. Ok? You know you want to. You love me. I am doing this for you too. Make sure you know that.
 

Appreciate my extreme efforts I am making sure you know of so that you know not to ask for more because I am already trying so hard and overwhelmed as is. You get that? I can't do any more than all the hard work I am making sure you believe in and know I am doing already. I'm unable to provide..be sure not to ask. K? I'll promise it, but don't come to collect what I say I have. I'm struggling too much to deal with that too. Ok??

8. You Should Be Mad

Let me say that I know I was 'horrible.' Oh, you noticed it was legitimate abuse you experienced? Shit...ok, I'll act like I fully agree with you, just to make sure I say whatever I think you want to hear to get you back again. Not that I will keep you around..but today I feel like having you around. Wait, I didn't mean any of that. I love you.
 

I know I was an abusive butthole. But NOW I have changed. NOW I care about your pain. NOW I will stop being selfish and cruel. NOW your thoughts matter. NOW I won't make make you feel like you are constantly unsatisfactory and bothersome. NOW I am going to actually act like I love you..NOW I will finally treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You've earned it!.
 

I am a good man. I am so good, that I will accept your justified anger with my despicable mistreatment of you. But..Later on in this conversation I will let you know that your 'attitude' is pissing me off..I am such a good guy, that I will put up with how you are behaving because I 'understand' why your are frustrated, tired and suspicious.
 

I am so patient with you, that I will kindly let you know that your justified aggravation, that I so selflessly allow, is pissing me off.
 

My attitude for this entire relationship has been THE WORST, I have put you through hell, and I never even allowed you to kindly mention the pain my own attitude caused you while we were together (any time you tried I would destroy you. haha) 

Now I'm annoyed and getting pissed off because of YOUR attitude, after all the hell I put you through, isn't as sweet and submissive as usual.
 

Ha. ..I'm such a good guy. I'm just oblivious. I promise, it isn't because I am a bad person..I don't mean to be a selfish, hypocritical, double-standard having man-child. :) Love you. Now stop having that 'attitude' because I just warned you..no, I graciously informed you that it was pissing me off.

Thanks babe. Be perfectly pleasant. Even though I was a monster all year and disrespected you more times than you can count, don't you talk to me like we are on the same level..or like you are upset with the bad things I did..I know I said you should be angry..but if you actually seem angry- it'll piss me off.
 

No big deal..just make sure YOU MODIFY YOUR BEHAVIOR TO AVOID PISSING ME OFF, TO AVOID OVERWHELMING ME, AND TO AVOID 'BLAMING' ME FOR WHAT I LITERALLY DID.. K?

9. You’re AMAZING!

I messed things up for ME. Never mind how much I betrayed and wronged you, and how much more horrible it was for you..or how I broke you down and made your life miserable for all these months we've been together.
 

Never mind all of that stuff about you. It was unpleasant for ME after I abused and abandoned you..poor ME.I always push people away because I've been hurt so much by life, and by all the other people in my life (who in reality I probably victimized and made up stories about to sound like a better human.)
 

Oh, you're still there? Let's talk about how hard all of this relationship's instability (Which I 100% caused) and abuse has been for ME -the abuser who traumatized you ;) 
 

I'm a great guy, let's discuss that..let's keep talking about me. It's not all about you, remember? Just kidding!..I was always just kidding when I said that!..Because I'm so often lighthearted and funny. No passive aggressive, manipulative, abusive tendencies here! Nope. Don't be crazy, I know it isn't all about me! 
 

Now, let's get back to the main point and talk some more about ME.

10.Boasting.

Someone else said it, so It isn't arrogant bragging or anything. I am just making sure to show you how wonderful and impressive I am. Especially since my actions never showed it.
 

See Me? So smart. So desirable. So handsome. So impressive. Do you believe me?

Another woman, a doctor, said these things. And I'm especially outstanding considering all I am up against!!. I STILL managed to turn out this great. Do you see how impressive, do you believe me!? 

See how great I am as I continue to provide evidence by cramming how awesome I am down your throat. Look at me having a (likely fictional character) outside source say it for me..

I'm great. Right? ..I swear I'm a good guy. I know past evidence doesn't support this..but my words should be able to show you the truth. Ignore the past and my actions..THIS is who I really am.
 

I am such a catch. I am going places, you should join me. You should want to. You should want me. I have so much to offer you.
 

Stick around for you, because that would work out great for ME.

11. Random Triangulation

Let me randomly make sure one of the first things we discuss after months of the no contact(which I initiated as an abusive maneuver) is another woman checking on me.
 

I forgot I already told you this story at least three other times..yet another dead buddy's wife, who is no good, has randomly reached out to check on me..simply because I was on her mind. Let me tell you she was just thinking of me and hoping I was alright.
 

All the women are always no good, and I try to stop my friend or brother from marrying them in each story. Can you see you are not the only one who cares about me? Even women I don't like are checking in on me years after not speaking just because I am that important and desired! That many people are interested in how I am doing. Women want me around. It certainly isn't all fabricated to triangulate and make you insecure like I always did.
 

We've just gotten on the phone, don't be so paranoid you crazy.
 
Just wanted to let you know a woman checked on me, completely innocent comment. Had nothing to do with anything we were discussing.. but I'll loosely tie it into the bad day I am having to try to make it seem more in place..it still won't though... You believe me right?
 

You see that people want me, that I am important and that I am telling you about MY day and asking for comfort from YOU during our first conversation since I abused YOU. That's ok though. You know it is fine. I need you. I need your help. I am worth it and I'm not going anywhere even though other girls want me..I want you.

Believe me. I want you and need you. Feel powerful, important and safe now..It'll make my sudden shift and abusive abandonment all the more fun...

I meant to say- because I love you.

12. “Used to be”

Let me say what I think you want to hear.I am the man I claim to be. Can't you tell by the way I own up to how bad I 'used to be?' That is not easy for me to admit..Can't you see all the hard work I am doing?? Can't you see how wonderful I really am by openly stating I was horrible?
 

You believe me, right? You should. Let me say what I think you want to hear again,..then you'll be certain of my sincerity. This is fun, and I'm just getting started..You can trust me. See who I am? I'm no longer the bad man who hurt you.

13. Civilian life

Did I convince you of my character yet?
  

I'm trying. I'll put more effort into my lies to get what I want and control situations than I will working on myself so I could stop being horrible. I make everything about me, but I refuse to see, care, or improve who I am! 
 

Do you see who I want you to believe I am though? That is crucial. It is not coming across as someone doing bad acting to impersonate a role they have no insight into( of being a decent person) No. It is true.
 

Don't roll your eyes or be suspicious. That would be crazy of you. I have always been so honest with you..my honor is important to me as a Marine..I know you wouldn't doubt that, because it would hurt ME.I am real, I care, I have it so rough, I need you to be careful with me..I know that is clear to you now..it has to be. I need it to be. Is everything falling into the exact place I need it now?
 

Am I in control?? I need to be. I always am..don't see that though..it isn't true, but me being amazing and complicated is true. Only that, remember that. I have always had bad things happen to me and have had to overcome huge challenges..such as the supposed brain cancer and supposed honor and 'good heart' too..I am a strong survivor and fighter.
 

I can't do too much more for you..be sure not to expect too much, I am already putting in damn-near super hero effort..ok?
 

So if you need something, and I get upset..just know it is your fault..because I am making sure you KNOW how much I struggle..how much I have to put up with...
 

So...tiptoe around ME and need nothing, and you and I will be great. Ok? That'll be perfect for ME. It is exactly what I need.

 

Forgive me, take me back, so I can let you be there for ME.

14. Baggage Hypocrisy

I can be a really awesome person..I need your help.
 

Let me make sure you are fully aware of how hard I am trying to be better, because I need you to not hold the fact that I have always been AWFUL to you against me. Forget about all of that, and focus on how hard I am trying now and who I want to be..who I really I am.
 

Be there, for ME. And in a few days when you need me, I will destroy you again and tear apart your character and mental health because you dared to ask something of me when you knew very well I needed you to be there for ME. Me. me. ME.
 

I needed patience, to be handled with baby gloves, to be catered to..I needed you to lower your expectations of me and not ask for anything for yourself...even if what you are asking for is simple healthy communication and a conversation when you are struggling with healing from what I admit I did to YOU.
 

So after I crush you and rub the fact that I'm moving on with a woman I just met at work in your face..I will be thinking that you knew that I had guidelines. I made it clear what your role was. I love you. This is your fault. You know how hard I have it, how hard I was trying and then you asked for something from ME!? You begged me to talk to YOU!?Why would I be there for you when you are struggling? Why!?
 

Who do you think YOU are to expect mutual respect and reciprocated love from ME?
 

15. Casual Pity- Mom

Let me throw this horrible, extreme, depressing fact into the mix at random with zero emotion. Ok? It is so serious. Did I forget I've told you this once or twice before a few months ago?..Nah this is brand new information. Then I will talk about how I don't want it to happen(her die / take her own life) because it will be too much for ME. Forget about my poor mom being that miserable and her life ending for her..It would be too hard for ME. me me me meeeeeeeee.
 

Do you see how I am sharing my pains and worries with you? Do you feel connected? Can you tell how much this relationship means to me by me telling you things?
 

I'm being 'vulnerable' since I always refused to talk to you in the past? So do you see I have changed, that it will be different? Can you see how hard I am trying? See ME. Do you believe who I am telling you I am? I'm him.

 

Do you see how sad my life is and how great I am..how damaged but strong, wanted and awesome I am? You know that don't you? You must see it. I'm working so hard to talk myself up and prove I can do everything you always wanted me to do while we were together..so you don't miss who I am showing you I am.

I am everything you wanted. I am open, vulnerable, considerate, in need, and all yours. I swear..There was nothing off putting or strange about me dropping it casually into the conversation like I had a list of things to tell you next to me and was checking them off as I went..That wasn't happening..it was all totally natural and authentic-Just like me.

 

I'm real, can you see me? You know me, you see who I am trying to show you right? Nothing but good intentions and love here..I'll always be here. You'll have all you ever wanted. For me to love you the way I say I do. And I totally to. I mean it. No tricks.

16. Your Outbursts 

(Hey, remember when I didn't show up for our second date? And you weren't allowed to be upset or discuss it with me?! It was perfectly fine that I just 'fell asleep.'
 

BUT then when on another date I decided you were taking too long and abused you because you failed to be doing exactly what I wanted how I wanted when I wanted?
 

Remember how you did nothing wrong and I punished you for it and made you feel like you deserved it? But when I did something wrong by not showing up for a date, it was perfectly acceptable!
 

Taking too long to get ready when your boyfriend doesn't even give you a set time to expect him or tell you he's on his way over is WAY worse. You should have been ready,
 

I don't have to put up with waiting like a normal person, regardless of all you do for me. I don't understand why anyone would call narcissists entitled assholes with double standards..weird)

I can explain, I can explain!

I am owning I shouldn't have done what I did. BUT you did make me wait too long. But I am such a good man now that I know I should've waited however long it took. See how I subtly still push some of the blame off on you..for taking too long and me not having to put up with it..I was on the clock..you weren't in line. haha No big deal now..

It doesn't matter that I didn't give you a set time to expect me, that I didn't let you know when I left my house and was headed over..or that I refused to answer the phone when you returned my missed call exactly one minute later..a call in which you wre going to tell me what you had to do really quickly before you would come meet me in your driveway..such as..find the gifts you got me, frantically change your dress because you wanted to look PERFECT for the first time seeing me in over two months..that doesn't matter. It was all about me and how I showed up and you took too long to come outside. Then I ignore your pleas for me to come back or to answer you.

 

I knew you were hurting, confused..

I knew you would be in more pain each hour that passed with me leaving you in the dark with where we stood.

 

I knew I left you in that driveway all dolled up..In a dress with your hair and makeup done..you had spent all day getting ready because you were so excited you were finally going to see me..

And I saw you look out your window. I knew you KNEW I was there..and I just left and refused communication because you made ME mad. ME ME MEEEEEEEEEEE.

 

But I know that is wrong now..so it is ok. I will not explain why I was perfectly fine with knowing you were miserable..crying, stressed..confused..hurting horribly by my disgustingly abusive behavior WHICH IT WAS UNDENIABLY PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE ON STEROIDS to do what I did..but..i will never explain why I was ok with that.

I will never explain why me feeling annoyed and impatient matters more than the intense pain I caused you. Or why I left you alone that way for days and then when I returned I broke up with you for how you responded to my abuse..for you freaking out in response to it.

I Twisted it around on you and attacked your character and mental health again. I made you hate yourself..I made sure you thought it was all your fault and that you deserved what happened and all that would follow. .but we won't get into that. just me laughing off how crazy it was that I did that..and joke about how it made sense to you at the time.

 

It was the Marines..lets push blame in a few more directions k?

 

The marines made me abuse you.
It made me too good to wait for you even though I failed to tell you when to expect me or share I was heading over..no..it was YOU who didn't meet my expectations..and that is why I lashed out..

I am so good and accepting responsibility.. BUT if you had not made me wait..and the Marines hadn't made my standards high(because you suck too badly to meet them)it would've never happened. If it wasn't for the Marines and your 'flaws' I would have never abused you.

 

Victim-blaming and gaslighting is fun!

17. Grow..

We are in this together. I will make sure you know I will be there for you too! That will work for ME. You can now feel safe and secure enough to give while I take..because you know I will give too..I will totally give back.I will give back by explaining very clearly why I can't give anything.

I am too busy, I am already having a bad day.

 

I am not in a good head space right when you ask.I am annoyed that you asked..I will gaslight you to death when you expect the care to go both ways.I meant to say, I will be too down in my luck to provide anything.

It is not my fault..it is yours for asking for so much..and being so crazy an high maintence..I am the one in need. ME ME ME MEMEMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

18. It Was a Bad Day

One of my favorite examples of his lack of care or actual interest in ME.
 

I was talking to him about something serious that nearly destroyed me, something detestable and inexcusable he did to me on his birthday. And he had nothing to say.I could later hear on the recording he wasn't even listening as I poured my heart out about my fear of giving him more to use against me. 

He didn't even care enough to tell me to hold on while he talked to his sister or did whatever it was he was doing..he just let me rattle on and didn't listen or care about what I had to say even though I had just listened to him talk about himself for over an hour straight...and he was the one who caused the pain I was discussing.

I was starting to cry. I was being vulnerable. I was in need of comfort and understanding.. Just needed to actually have a conversation..a real one. Back and forth about more than one person's needs, thoughts and perspective.

And the best he had was- "Yeah, that was a bad bad day." Really sir? And "That was the worst day of our relationship. Real sad" That's it!? No depth, no meaningful conversation about the complexities involved in that dramatic episode as well as the trauma it caused. Nothing. His affect was all off. There was nothing there. He had no attention span for anything other than spewing out his speeches about himself and who he wanted me to know he was.

Helping me, learning me, caring at all about what was truly best for me-and the conversation hits a wall. I suppose because his most in depth thoughts go towards fabricating customized stories to impress, deceive, and manipulate whomever he is speaking to so he can get the reaction he needs and wants. 

His focus is on himself, his mission..whatever the mission is. Not the other person or anything that actually has deeper meaning and worth.