"The core dilemma of C-PTSD is that your longing for connection conflicts with memories that tell you relationships aren't safe.. It can be a challenge to develop healthy relationships. Initially, you may recreate relationships that match what you already know. Perhaps you unintentionally push people away and then feel angry that nobody calls you. Maybe you tend to choose partners who treat you poorly because deep inside this feels familiar.

In contrast, a healing relationship (such as one with a trusted therapist) will allow you to gently recognize and take responsibility for any part you may play in perpetuating unhealthy dynamics. In a trusting relationship, you can expose your fears and learn that you will not be rejected or harmed. Slowly, you'll learn to allow another person to witness your confusion, discomfort, anger, grief, or shame.

Even the healthiest of relationships have moments of disconnection or unintentional misunderstanding. A healing relationship will allow you to stay in the relationship until the connection is regained and the relationship bond is repaired. Although nobody likes conflict, there is an intrinsic value in healthy conflict, for this process will actually help retain your nervous system as you build trust in your capacity to successfully navigate through interpersonal challenges. Ultimately this process will help you form new relationship expectations that lead to healthier relationships in your life."
—Arielle Shwartz PhD

Sections:

• On My Way
• My Ex Was Wrong; My Ex Was Right
• Related Posts:
  -  Understanding Trauma
  -  My Avoidance
  -  My Invasive Symptoms
  -  My Depressive Symptoms

On My Way

I was very confused when I wrote my second to last post, but it still expressed what I wanted it to. My emotions and thoughts were all over the place.. They usually are when I choose to write anything on this webpage (which is usually why I write- to sort troubling things out and express myself).
 

Writing helped me come to a realization about the level of denial I had regarding something I needed to confront. I have been facing a few things, and it has made the last couple of weeks interesting. I'm happy about it, even when it gives me a headache or a little spaz out. ;) 
 

Instead of only focusing on coping with symptoms as they appear, I'm ready to open my mind to addressing the underlying condition itself so that I can approach healing and managing it in a way devised by experts.. I'm pretty sure they know better than I do about this! I would hope so! I can't sort through something this complex alone. Get it?.. Complex. 🤓 I need help. 
 

I recently began reading books and completing a workbook for Complex PTSD while getting helpful feedback from my therapist. 
  

Before my last relationship my life had improved drastically, yet I wasn't truly living it. I'm still not. I know I don't want to end up in the same devastating situation again. Something has to change. Something has, but there's so much more to do.. But if someone thinks me continuously working to improve myself and recover makes me unworthy of friendships or any type of close relationships with people.. they're very mistaken. 
 

I'm good enough just as I am..and in turn, anyone who thinks otherwise isn't 'good enough' for me.. Because anyone who cannot accept and appreciate me for who I am does not deserve my company. 
 

I'm self-aware and healed enough to begin addressing some things I've avoided and/or repressed for an incredibly long time. Those things have held me back.
 

I'm ready to let myself live the way I want everyone else to live. I care so deeply about the happiness and fulfillment of others, but what about me??? I should matter to myself just as much, regardless of whether or not I matter to anyone else.  
 

My happiness, peace, and experiences matter too. I will keep reminding myself of that when I’m tempted to get upset and stuck worrying about the pain I cannot take away from someone else. I will still care about how others feel, while also accepting that I cannot control it or take it away. 
 

I cannot always ease the suffering of others…but I can cry over my own pain and take steps to alleviate it in real ways instead of temporarily disregarding my experience and myself the same way the people I've cared for have. This is one hell of a journey y'all, and I'll always be on it. Life is weird.
 

MY Ex Was Wrong; My Ex Was Right

My ex was wrong, but he was also right. I've said that before, but I'm starting to finally understand all that it entails.
 

My issues did not make me a bad, selfish, or 'crazy' partner. My struggles and CPTSD did NOT make me imagine the abuse or exaggerate its severity. I was a very loving and fair partner. I was devoted, honest, patient, and considerate.
 

My issues didn't make me be unfair to him. I treated him right.. BUT I DIDN'T TREAT MYSELF RIGHT. And thanks to he and I both mistreating me, I have now realized all of the mess I need to continue straightening out.
 

My issues didn't cause the abuse (I think my last post made that clear😂) but they did need to be delt with.. Issues and all, I KNOW I was an amazing partner. But.. I was also an unhealthy partner.. I let myself be destroyed in the relationship and became dangerously codependent. I see it now.
 

D.B. was right when he told me I needed to take a look at myself in the mirror, but the belittling way he relayed that message to shift blame for his abuse and the resulting damage was incredibly wrong. It was hateful, unwarranted, and abusive.
 

He hurt me..but that pain also woke me up, and for that I'll always be tremendously grateful. The situation that almost led to me taking my life is becoming the very thing that's going to save it. He inflicted a lot of pain, and he is responsible for that.. but I've always been hurting, and I've been letting that hurt lead to me hurting myself more. I'm finally going to learn how to stop.
 

I didn't deserve to be abused.. I didn't project anything but good qualities onto my ex. However, I did do wrong. I shouldn't have stayed. I shouldn't have put up with someone who abused me. But I didn't know.
 

I didn't 'allow' him to do it then. I can say that confidently because I didn't understand what was going on at that time. How could I stop something if I didn't know it was taking place??..
 

I didn't trust my own reality anymore. His gaslighting was absolutely horrid, and on top of that, his abuse was triggering past trauma from previous abuse/gaslighting. It was A LOT to deal with. I didn't understand what hell I was in.
 

Even though I didn’t understand or see what was breaking me down, I could still feel it. I was still stuck suffering worse than ever before with absolutely no comprehension as to what was going on or why the pain had consumed me.
 

D.B's abusive ways were casting me into such misery, but I didn't know what was causing it.. Actually, I believed I was the cause and problem..but no matter what I did I couldn't solve it or ease the torturous tension.
 

Can you see it? The literal mirroring of my past abusive relationships.. He retraumatized me by recreating the same oppressive, dehumanizing, cruel, confusing type of abuse dynamic I'd already been scarred by before. I truly didn't know.
  

The retraumatization brought so much pain back to the surface...but I needed to see and face that pain. It was a pain that had always confined and controlled me.. I couldn't identify it as what it was until after he inflicted it upon me too.
 

Ideally(if I'd been more aware), I could've done so much better and escaped the hell D.B. pulled me down into sooner, but if I had..I'd never have ended up here..and I NEED to be here. Otherwise, it would've never stopped happening. I would've never seen myself or my past clearly. I would've remained frozen, in denial, and hoping while simultaneously having no belief that I would ever actually be able to do this life right.

I was trying before D.B... but if I would've remained the woman I was before him, I don't think I would've ever made it in the long run....At least not all of me would've. I'd exist in a lesser state than the one I deserve.
 

My ex knew I had issues.. my issues were the vulnerabilities that made me the prime candidate for narcissistic abuse.. They made me perfect for pushing around, blaming, shaming, and destroying.
 

My issues gave me major weak spots he chose to take advantage of by screwing with my mind and treating me appallingly just because he could get away with it. My problems did make me vulnerable to what he did, but they didn't make him do it.. They didn't make me deserve it.. And they most certainly didn't make me imagine it.
 

I still would not take back the abusive relationship with D.B. for anything. Not because he did something great, but because the lessons our toxic dynamic taught me have.