I got a little triggered (I'm tired of that word, but it's accurate) while working on Deep Dive.. So, this post is a detour. LOL. Yup. I'll be done with the other one soon too. :) My bad, y'all!

Sections:

• My Flaws & Unresolved Trauma Didn't Abuse Me, HE DID

• Rebuking His Blame-shifting

• My Ex Was Wrong; My Ex Was Right

• Suckiest Part of the Rejection

My Flaws & Unresolved Trauma Didn't Abuse Me, —HE DID

Me being vulnerable to abuse and trauma doesn’t make me responsible for somebody else’s abusive actions against me, or the resulting damage.
 

Having PTSD and ‘baggage’ from other abusers and life experiences didn’t make me misinterpret or imagine the horrid abuse that harmed me..
  

What it did do was make it take longer for me to see warning signs, and to realize I was being intentionally mistreated. It made me easier to manipulate and hurt. It also made me someone people may be less likely to believe. Abusers seek out and/or attract vulnerable people. It works in their favor for quite a few reasons.
 

I had complex trauma issues before my most recent relationship. That's why I was vulnerable to this type of toxic dynamic to begin with. But that's not why the abuse hurt, nor is it why I perceived the shitty way he treated me as abuse. 
 

He was hurting me. I told him. I tried to understand and to make the pain stop. He twisted it and made me believe I was only hurting because something was wrong with me. 
 

I believed the cruelly invalidating blame he placed on me throughout the entire duration of our relationship. 
 

Sharing my past, fears, and greatest insecurities with him gave him tools to better harm me.. He did so in many ways. Ways that made speaking the truth and trusting myself a much scarier thing. 
 

Once I shared the pains from my past with him, I was shamed for them.. It was all used against me as he’d craft it into the reason I was always to blame. 
 

He reshaped the deepest, most tender of insecurities I entrusted him with into something to break me apart. He created something hideous out of what used to make me beautiful. He did so by using all I'd shared as a way to customize brutal attacks and heartless excuses to abandon me. 
 

No open discussion. He’d scold, or fall silent. No kindness. Just rage, disgust, blame, and my deletion from his life. 
 

He used everything that should’ve made him know and love me..as a way to make me hate myself and fear to do anything other than follow his lead and avoid bothering him.

I shared with him so he could know me, but he failed to ever learn that on a meaningful level. He took everything that should’ve been a way to deepen our connection, and threw it in my face relentlessly to make me feel worthless and too damaged.

Fully admitting something to myself after the relationship has ended can feel extremely intimidating. This is mostly because sharing anything personal and speaking truthfully got me rejected, shamed, and exploited repeatedly by the man I loved.  
  

All his shaming and blaming when I wasn’t even doing anything wrong.. it caused me to lose faith in my ability to be certain or believe in anything anymore. I was always doing wrong. I was always ruining everything. I was always being selfish, clueless, dramatic, crazy.. I was bad.
 

He made sure to convince me I was awful, right after he'd finished singing my praises. He made me feel that I was hurting him, myself, and destroying our relationship over and over and over again. NONE OF THAT WAS TRUE. That was him. He described me as he should’ve described himself. 
  

I didn’t see it. I believed him then, and for a long time. It screwed with my head in terrible ways. It was excruciatingly painful. It continues to cause me confusion at random.
 

Even after he owned up to the abuse, he shifted blame to me for the severity of his actions and all the damage they left behind. That only made it hurt more. Perhaps that’s why he did it.. or he truly just cannot accept how bad it was. 
 

Nothing that hurt or mattered to me was ever real to him, so he manipulated situations to get me to believe the same… —That my pain and interests weren’t real or worth caring about.
 

I was open about my struggles and 'flaws'. In response, he tried to convince me that me being damaged goods was why his abuse destroyed me..and perhaps even why he abused me in the first place.
 

Which was the same as him saying that I was why I had suffered..
 

I was why I was losing my mind and unsure of what was and wasn't real anymore..
 

I was why I was traumatized..
 

I was why he abused me.
 

Everything, all responsibility and blame for the abuse he comitted was pushed off onto..me. 
 

Even after he admitted to the abuse and to being intentionally manipulative, he blamed me for the pain I was in! So, he apologized for doing it, but said it only hurt me because…I was flawed enough to let it?? 
 

Me having 'too much baggage' was why I was deeply hurt and traumatized by the abusive relationship.. Yes..my fault..Not him or his horrifically cruel, shocking, and manipulative actions towards me that shattered my understanding of myself, all I held dear, and the entire world around me. Sarcasm y’all-

So.. at that time, his logic was— 

The abuse didn't scar me for life, I scarred myself. 
 

The abuse didn't break apart my heart, mind, and my desire to live- I destroyed myself and became suicidal at random.
 

The abusive behavior didn't inflict pain and suffering.... I did. My flaws made me hurt, not the severe form of psychological abuse that’s been proven to have devastating consequences on the abused.
 

That sounds insane, because it is. 

Abuse hurts..and pushing blame onto the person victimized by it hurts too. I need support, not to accumulate more doubt and shame in the midst of healing from the way I was broken apart.
 

I saw how he mistreated me as abuse because it was abusive.
 

I felt horrible because what he did was horrible.
  

I got damaged because what he did was damaging.  
 

My past wounds did worsen.. because he repeatedly attacked them, and then blamed their very existence for why I was in pain.
 

He knew what my scars were since the start.. Those old injuries only added to my destruction because he intentionally set out to tear away at each one in the most personalized and malicious way possible. 

If the old wounds had not been there, he would’ve made fresh ones. Actually, he did that too

HE hurt me on purpose, and then blamed me for the resulting pain because I was able to be hurt.. 
 

Abuser logic is infuriating. Shift that blame babe, shift it! But don't do it in the dark handsome, make sure to grab a gaslight first!! Ya arse.. ha..  
 

I had personal struggles before my abusive relationship with D.B, but that does not shift blame for the negative impact of his wrongdoings onto me. 
 

He tried that while we were together by blaming my past for why I felt his behavior was selfish, harmful, and confusing.. Then he tried to do it again after the relationship ended by blaming my past for why I saw his mistreatment as unacceptable abuse.

As though I couldn't possibly comprehend my experience correctly..No. Gaslighting nonstop, both during and after the abuse. I’m so tired of it. 
 

I'm tired of how people just seem to be growing more and more heartless. Sometimes it leaves me feeling voiceless, alone, and defeated.
 

I felt abused because he abused me.
 

I hurt because he hurt me. 
 

I was traumatized because being abused is traumatic. 
 

I would not have been traumatized by nothing.. I didn't get nearly destroyed by my own overactive imagination or delusions.
 

I didn't do this to myself.
 

I did not make it up or exaggerate. 
 

I know what caused me excruciating pain and suffering.
 

Being abused put me through hell. I didn't imagine the fire, those flames were fucking there.
 

It wasn't my fault. 
 

The injuries his cold, abusive ways inflicted were not self-inflicted or imagined.
  

If I had not had PTSD before he and I got together, I know I would have developed it afterwards.
 

What his abusive behaviors did to my mind caused severe suffering, confusion, hopelessness, shame, and toxic levels of stress.

Getting misled, neglected, belittled, degraded, rejected, used, blindsided, fooled, mocked, erased, blamed, shamed, betrayed, abandoned.. All of that is extremely damaging, and that's what his abusive behaviors did to me. 
 

All of that created a completely valid reason to suffer the way that I did, and the way I do.

I will validate myself—

My pain is real.   
 

My experience was, and is, real.. 
 

My worth and right to be treated kindly is real too. 
  

Even non-abusers shift blame to the person victimized if the abused person opens up about issues caused by the trauma.. or the traumatic event itself.
  

Which just leaves the people in the most need of support and kindness alone, ashamed of themselves, and too scared to open up because nobody gives a shit or believes them about the hell they've been through. Where are all the people who care about others?
 

All of this continued invalidation and lack of consideration can foster additional pain and hopelessness in the people who are simply telling the truth and trying to be heard after escaping an abusive situation in which they were never allowed to speak or matter.

The toxic relationship trapped me, then I disappeared. I couldn’t be myself then. I’m being myself now. It doesn’t feel good to have someone openly state or insinuate who I am isn’t good enough, and that the torture I went through wasn’t real.
 

Narcissistic abuse is hell on earth...and after you get out of that hell there's more awaiting you on the other side because nobody believes you. Or nobody cares. You still get treated like you don’t matter, like your thoughts and feelings aren't real, or like you’re too screwed up to deserve good things such as love and friendship.
 

You tell the truth, then nobody seems to believe anyone would be so manipulative and heartless.. I guess it simply sounds too crazy.. It IS crazy, and it's real. 
 

How extreme it is makes the trauma it causes even worse, because there's often no support and acceptance. So I'm here supporting others and speaking my mind to feel like I exist again. 

You know how hard it was for me to even get to the point where I could say I was abused with conviction because of all the self doubt the abuse caused??
 

I know what I've been through, and I know how much suffering it caused because I experienced it.
 

Outsiders didn't feel it. They weren't inside my head.. if they would've been, they'd give me a hug instead of leaving me feeling worse than I did before I opened up and shared the truth about the overwhelmingly painful mess I've been fighting my hardest to heal from. 
 

It is exhausting, and always lonely. So someone denying my reality and completely disregarding me as a person over it is very hurtful. I deserve better. I’m worth more than that poor treatment.
 

It's not my job to make others see and believe the truth about my experiences or character. All I can do is be honest, try, love and keep going. :)
 

It's inevitable that someone in my life will end up understanding, accepting, and trusting in what is real. I know it, and many other wonderful things.

Rebuking His Blame-Shifting

Written Jan. 2022  (during Hoover 7)

This was written after the last Hoover. I didn't share it then because I didn't want to offend D.B, and I also felt no need to defend myself against something that he’d done a million times before. I'm not angry with him in present day. However, after the man I had a huge crush on unintentionally invalidated me by presuming I was in the wrong within my relationship, or that I was too broken to be correct about the abuse occurring at all?, it felt relevant enough to share this now. (That’s how his words came across, and I can’t know differently because he doesn’t like good communication. At least not with me)

I'm not trying to play a 'blame game' here, but I am not going to sit back and act like what he implied last time I saw him wasn't a tad bit of crazy-making behavior, because what he was implying was utter bullshit. 

I'm holding him accountable for the abuse he committed. That is not blame-shifting. It's placing responsibility for his harmful behavior and it's consequences where it actually belongs. I'm saying he did it, because he did. He's such a little antagonizer!  Can you tell? Ugh. Narcissists and narcissistic people are such mind-fuckers, eh??

I forgive my ex. I care for him as a person. I want him to be happy and to have a good life. But I am very sensitive when he talks to me, and for good reason..
 

Every time we talk he starts blame-shifting in subtle ways; it upsets me.
 

I told him that last time I saw him. He wasn't being an upfront ass about it.. He just.. The denial was obvious to me. 
 

He spoke about our toxic relationship and how we were too different.. How our clashing communication styles and wants were what caused us to not get along. NO BABE. Nooo.

I did not abuse him. I did not neglect him. I did not ask for too much. I did not mistreat him in anyway. I appreciated him. I was patient with him. I supported him. I forgave him. And I apologized for anything he said I did wrong, even if 95% was actually me apologizing for his errors. He was hateful and abusive towards me. That's what was wrong.
 

Anyway, some of what he was saying made it clear that he was still trapped in his harmful, narcissistic pattern of self-protection. Deflection. Denial. Blame-shifting.. Gaslighting. Damaging stuff. I'm not angry with him for doing that this time..I get it. I care about why he does it, and about him, but it's still exhausting and painful to be around.
 

*To be fair, he is correct about things too. We did both make mistakes, and we do both have mental health issues that don't fit well together. But that wasn't the main problem..We both took part in the toxic relationship.. We both participated in unhealthy ways.. Very true. ..but I only hurt myself, where as he hurt both of us.

MY Ex Was Wrong; My Ex Was Right

My ex was wrong, but he was also right. I've said that before, but I'm starting to finally understand all that it entails.

My issues did not make me a bad, selfish, or 'crazy' partner. My struggles and CPTSD did NOT make me imagine the abuse or exaggerate its severity. I was a very loving and fair partner. I was devoted, honest, patient, and considerate.
 

My issues didn't make me be unfair to him. I treated him right.. BUT I DIDN'T TREAT MYSELF RIGHT. And thanks to he and I both mistreating me, I have now realized all of the mess I need to continue straightening out.
 

My issues didn't cause the abuse (I think my last post made that clear😂) but they did need to be delt with.. Issues and all, I KNOW I was an amazing partner. But.. I was also an unhealthy partner.. I let myself be destroyed in the relationship and became dangerously codependent. I see it now.

D.B. was right when he told me I needed to take a look at myself in the mirror, but the belittling way he relayed that message to shift blame for his abuse and the resulting damage was incredibly wrong. It was hateful, unwarranted, and abusive.
 

He hurt me..but that pain also woke me up, and for that I'll always be tremendously grateful. The situation that almost led to me taking my life is becoming the very thing that's going to save it.
 

He inflicted a lot of pain, and he is responsible for that.. but I've always been hurting, and I've been letting that hurt lead to me hurting myself more. I'm finally going to learn how to stop.
 

I didn't deserve to be abused.. I didn't project anything but good qualities onto my ex. However, I did do wrong. I shouldn't have stayed. I shouldn't have put up with someone who abused me. But I didn't know.
 

I didn't 'allow' him to do it then. I can say that confidently because I didn't understand what was going on at that time. How could I stop something if I didn't know it was taking place??..
 

I didn't trust my own reality anymore. His gaslighting was absolutely horrid, and on top of that, his abuse was triggering past trauma from previous abuse/gaslighting. It was A LOT to deal with. I didn't understand what hell I was in.
 

Even though I didn't understand or see what was breaking me down, I could still feel it. I was still stuck suffering worse than ever before with absolutely no comprehension as to what was going on or why the pain had consumed me.
 

D.B's abusive ways were casting me into such misery, but I didn't know what was causing it.. Actually, I believed I was the cause and problem..but no matter what I did I couldn't solve it or ease the torturous tension.
 

Can you see it? The literal mirroring of my past abusive relationships.. He retraumatized me by recreating the same oppressive, dehumanizing, cruel, confusing type of abuse dynamic I'd already been scarred by before. I truly didn't know.

The retraumatization brought so much pain back to the surface...but I needed to see and face that pain. It was a pain that had always confined and controlled me.. I couldn't identify it as what it was until after he inflicted it upon me too.
 

Ideally(if I'd been more aware), I could've done so much better and escaped the hell D.B. pulled me down into sooner, but if I had..I'd never have ended up here..and I NEED to be here. Otherwise, it would've never stopped happening. I would've never seen myself or my past clearly. I would've remained frozen, in denial, and hoping while simultaneously having no belief that I would ever actually be able to do this life right.

I was trying before D.B... but if I would've remained the woman I was before him, I don't think I would've ever made it in the long run....At least not all of me would've. I'd exist in a lesser state than the one I deserve.
 

My ex knew I had issues.. my issues were the vulnerabilities that made me the prime candidate for narcissistic abuse.. They made me perfect for pushing around, blaming, shaming, and destroying.
 

My issues gave me major weak spots he chose to take advantage of by screwing with my mind and treating me appallingly just because he could get away with it. My problems did make me vulnerable to what he did, but they didn't make him do it.. They didn't make me deserve it.. And they most certainly didn't make me imagine it.
 

I still would not take back the abusive relationship with D.B. for anything. Not because he did something great, but because the lessons our toxic dynamic taught me have.

Suckiest Part of the Rejection 

Hm.. This is a headache. 

There's a lot that sucks, and none of it has anything to do with the kind of person the guy is. I don't know what kind of person he is. He might be fantastic! But the entire situation was/is still shitty. I know for a fact that I've not done things in the best way, so if he wanted to 'fuss' about my errors (Respectfully/Constructive Criticism) it'd be welcome.—My whole view right now is that he's likely great..but so am I, and I have the right to dislike getting treated like I'm not.
 

I started writing something for this section the other day. I erased it. The thing is, I've already covered why the situation bummed me out, what I didn't care for, as well as what I did wrong. At this point, harping over it is not helping me to understand it any better. Time to wrap it up. I've gotten most of it out of my system. Defeat accepted. haha- 
 

My feelings are still a little hurt, but there's just no point in me wasting any more of my energy and time stressing over it. I have other things to do the require my energy and time too. 🤓 
 

I remember when I was dating D.B. I would spend all my time trying to sort things out in my head after the abuse started tearing my mind apart. I'd sit around stressed, sad, worried sick all day everyday. Trying my best to remain positive, supportive, and quiet. I didn't know what to do..I wanted to give him everything beautiful he wanted.. But in return he gave me no time, or he'd give me a little time then be ugly to me. 
 

This 'crush' man has not really been ugly to me. He hasn’t been hateful. But me spending my time being confused, sad, and flustered over a man who didn't want to spend any time with me.., well that makes me feel like a fool all over again. 
  

I spent months wondering, wanting, stressing and smiling over my infatuation with him..So much anticipation. But he didn't make time to speak to me. That's not him doing something evil or cruel, that's just me seeing that I wanted to know him more than he wanted to know me. I wanted to talk to him and enjoy his company more. If he wanted to get to know me, he would've. 
 

There's not a big mystery for me to solve. If I am wrong, I'll still have to assume I'm not because he didn't tell me otherwise. I don't mean that in a smartass way. I mean..I have no information to go on. He didn't share his perspective, so I only have my own right now. I'm working with what I've got- myself. 
 

He didn't do anything wrong by having no interest in me. The fact that he has no interest in me doesn't mean I'm not good enough or awesome.. He just doesn't see me that way. He isn't wanting what I do. I'm not his cup of tea, and that's ok. It is not his fault I’m insecure. 
 

I went after someone who rejected me. I will learn how to stop doing that. It was just confusing this time around, because he seemed like he wouldn't reject me. He seemed into me. I thought I felt some solid chemistry between us in person. But, no. That's alright. I don't know what I was thinking. 
 

It's also not his fault that my feelings are still hurt. I simply feel what I feel. It just hurts me to want to talk to someone, and for them to not want the same. It sucks to know I'd make time for him enthusiastically, but that he doesn't care enough or want the same stuff. That isn't fun. Not him doing something wicked, just me not liking not being 'liked' lol. 
 

Him seeing my website and not believing or understanding at all hurt too, but he wasn't obligated to understand, care, or respond. So..at least he responded once. I'm just tired of getting treated like I don't matter. He doesn't care about it or want to know me. That's not him doing something bad, yet it's unfortunate for me. But...he wasn't ever viewed as 'something' for me to begin with.
 

I had thought the interest was mutual and got too excited about the idea of getting to know a person who seemed kind, odd, interesting, smart, and funny. I got too excited. I'm not anymore. I've waited long enough. He should've made a move back in December..at least, that's what would've made me happy. lol.. 
 

But ya know, it was never his job to make me happy..
 

It was never his duty to do what made me feel the safest. 

He was never required to do anything other than continue going about his business and being himself. And, I guess that's what he's been doing this entire time. Good for him. That's healthy.  
 

I messed up, and I'll get over that. I mess up all the time. LOL. This time over a stranger, a little 'crush' that I let my anxiety over get way too big. That's alright. I got so confused and frightened. Shocker.. :P 
 

I got carried away in the positive feelings too! That fun, less serious type of emotional state was just so wonderful to be able to feel again after all the negativity I'd been sinking in. It was nice for something goofy and simple to occupy my mind for a bit. The chemistry I thought I felt with him was incredibly easy to be curious about.  
 

I didn't think once we finally spoke it would fall flat the way it did. I didn't think he'd not reach back out for like an entire week straight after we spent hours talking online for the first time. Not because he HAD to talk to me. He didn't owe me anything..including his time. It just would've been so cool if he'd wanted to talk to me as badly as I wanted to talk to him.
 

Would've been hella awesome If he would've wanted me back. I didn't even know him. When I say I 'wanted him' I think you know what I mean. I was attracted to him and curious about who he was, how he thought, his life, his interests, his perspective.. and blah blah blah. That's what I meant and mean when I say 'wanted him' I want to be wanted back. I thought I was gonna be. So when I wasn't, it sucked hard. That's not his fault. Not his problem.
  

It's not the end of the world, but rejection sucks. And it sucks that I don't even know how this sort of shit is supposed to go to begin with. I've never dated.. I've had instant boyfriends. That's it. Guess I've always been a sucker for love-bombing?
 

Yeh. I've never gotten to know a man in a normal amount of time. I don't know what is supposed to happen, I only know that I recently felt extra stupid and unimportant. I'm not 100% sure why, but I don't think it was his fault. I just don't know, and not knowing in certain situations can be very intimidating. I get spooked and don't really understand what to do with myself. 
 

I didn't know this guy, but I didn't see the lack of interest coming. I'm not sure why. I must've read him all wrong. I must've read everything that semester wrong.. and that's ok! It was still fun, and it still helped me move forward in my recovery.

One day a nice man will chase me, and it'll be frickn’ fantastic for both of us.. because for all of my depressing and complicated shit.. there's just as much goofy, bubbly, playful sweetness too. :) One day y'all, but today is obviously just not that day. That's ok.
 

To that guy- 
If you're reading. I'm sorry for how I handled myself when I was confused, scared, and frustrated. I'm also sorry if any of my presumptions and/or analyzations of certain situations felt accusatory or insulting towards you. That was not my intention. I just had a lot in my head to get out, and this is where I tend to do that. I know some of it didn't make sense..but that's where my head was at. I'm not going to hide when I get lost or have a slip up. Some people who view this little webpage need to see that.. because authenticity and reality of circumstances matter once you've had it taken away from you. You know? I want them to see it, so when they stumble around or get lost they don't feel alone the way I did.
  

Any way. I'm still sorry for handling myself poorly. I could've and should've chosen more wisely. Oh, and thanks for trying to be nice about what I'm sure made you very uncomfortable. It was appreciated, even when I criticized a part or two of it (I wasn't trying to criticize you viciously or blame you, I was trying to dissect what stung in an attempt to make sense of what it was and why I immediately felt such a negative way. I wanted to make sure I didn't ignore what I felt or blame myself for having valid emotions. I hope that made sense. I apologize if it didn't.) Your response was still very appreciated as a whole..and I also never thought you were trying to be unkind with your words. So, thanks. Be good. :) Or bad? lol Go enjoy being whoever it is you are, and doing whatever the heck it is you do! 👋