Done Chasing

07/26/2021

Sections:

  • Dooming Himself
  • Breaking
  • Placeholder 
  • Done Chasing

Dooming Himself


If I’m feeling strong he seems to rush back into my life to attempt to prove he is stronger. He is either tearing me down with words and extended silence to make me feel small, or he's buttering me up with fleeting kindness and attention just to then vanish right afterwards and drive me insane.
  
He leaves me feeling like I’m just another casualty in a war he’s waging against the world for reasons I can’t comprehend. Maybe he is making his outer surroundings match the miserable, angry chaos that constantly engulfs his mind. Balancing the imbalance, no matter how off-kilter and damaging it is to the rest of us.

Trying to balance what is inside of his mind by darkening what is outside will never bring about balance, it will just create more hell inside and out.. But what do I know? According to him, I’m a clueless, selfish, unworthy nothing.
 

Enjoy your blindness while it lasts D.B.

One day all the people you’ve wronged will wake up and run away, and you’ll have no more moves to make. You’ll only have you because that’s all you’ve made your life about. 

You don’t make time for anyone else, and when they ask you to you tell them to go straight to hell for daring to act like they matter as much as you do.

Always pulling people in just so you can have the power to push them out—letting nothing and no one stop you from getting your way. 

That’s really sad, because your way is exactly why you are so miserable. But your stubborn arse will stay on that path craving control, because you have too much pride to admit that you are doing it all wrong. 

Ignore the fact that no high you feel, no matter how big it is, will ever last. 

Distractions only distract, they don’t change what needs to change. Pushing things aside is just your refusal to accept your game is an act that fools more than your targets, it fools you too.

Deny it all and remain cut off from reality, and me. Just because you feel much less doesn’t mean you’re incapable of cognitively seeing what I can see. 
 
You may have low insight and compassion, but you only don’t understand because you refuse to open your eyes and try to see.
 
Convince yourself I’m stupid so you can feel smarter.
  
Say I’m weak to prove to yourself that you’re stronger.
 
Call me pathetic to show yourself that you’re not.
  
Call me crazy so the truth can seem unreal.
 
Leave me when I need you so you can never be left. 

Deny you want things until you have nothing to do but drown in regret. 

Call what destroys others drama, to reassure yourself how much you don’t care is what‘s normal. 

Lie so you don’t have to risk being unforgiven. 

Cheat and take to get what you want, to prove to yourself that you don’t need anyone.  

Loyalty and commitment repulse you because you are afraid to give any woman that much ‘control’ over you. 
 
You see loving another as relinquishing power, but what power will you have when your determination to hold onto it leads you to die alone, deluded, and bitter? 

Lead women on, use them to make sure nothing can ever last—sabotage yourself with the lie that you’re just having fun, when the truth is you’re only shutting down possibilities and keeping yourself numb. 

Assume the worst about all you have so you can never appreciate anything wonderful you‘ve been given. 

Believe kindness and love are stupid so you can pretend they’re no threat to the negative space in which you choose to live in.

Act like you want things to turn golden, when you’re the one who keeps it dark by refusing to put the work in. 

Never face it, keep standing in your own way. 
 
Rearrange things to convince yourself your way is how to maintain order, even though facing the list of dire consequences only keeps getting harder. 

Blame me as you push me out of your way, just to see when I’m gone your lack of progress remains the same.

Deny anyone the chance to know who you really are, and to forgive the mistakes you’ve made or evils you‘ve intentionally done so far. 

Keep focusing on being the scariest and strongest, while refusing to be strong enough to fight for more than how you want to be seen.
  
Focus on what doesn't matter, because you're too cowardly to become a man strong enough to face what actually does.

What will being the toughest, manliest man provide you with, besides the opportunity to pretend the best parts of yourself don’t exist?? 

All that pride of yours will give you is an empty, angry, and dissatisfying life. 

I am not saying all of this because I think poorly of you, I am saying it because I see you as so much more.  

It’s alright. Do what you have to do, just know that I’m sorry and wish much better things for you. I have love for you no matter what you’ve done or what you choose to do— and that’s something even you cannot take away from you.

Breaking


You are always unsure of yourself. It keeps you frozen. You’re afraid something is horribly wrong with you. 

You walk around smiling because you’re in denial about how much it hurts to keep to yourself. 

It’s always been much easier to avoid attachments, even though isolation is hell. 

You’re holding out hope for the day you can breathe easy, know what is reliable, and be sure of where you stand. 

You are constantly worried and confused, but you manage to believe eventually things will settle down into something clearer, and that you'll become someone more acceptable one day.

You look forward to a time when you’ll know you are safe..even though you’ve grown wary from always waiting to feel deserving of the very safety you crave. You long to know everything’s going to be ok.
 
Unexpectedly, you feel that your good faith has been rewarded with perfect answers to riddles that have kept you up every night for what feels like an eternity. 

Suddenly, you are amazingly reassured. Every one of your worst fears, and all of the troubling unknowns, have been conquered and revealed in a way better than you could've ever imagined! 

You feel protected, accepted, and certain of your purpose for the first time. You are home after a lifetime of being lost. 

You can finally rest and stop hiding. You know all the miserable loneliness of the past was worth it, because it got you to exactly where you are right now! 

You invest your entire heart and soul into who and what is bringing all of this to you after you had nearly given up on the notion. You had held onto hope without any peace in return for so long. 

You thought that hope had died-but now you are safe to hope, give, and love without fearing the rejection and ridicule of the past. 

Finally, everything has aligned, and you are alright. Now you are truly happy, thankful, and ready. It's time to let yourself live. 

You've made it out of the dark, the past is done. You are ok. You are not alone. Someone cares. Someone approves. Someone knows, accepts, and appreciates you. 

You're not pointless, and you realize you never were. You count. You matter. You're worth someone's time, and know they are worth all of yours. 

You'd do anything to protect him from hurting the way that you did, so with all of your heart you give and you give.

At the very moment your heart is at its fullest, due to how much it means to you to have all you thought you never would..at the very moment your heart, soul and mind are higher than ever before...it is at that exact moment that he yanks it all away, and shows you what meant the entire world to you was never even there. 

That beautiful comfort and meaning you never thought you’d find..that cherished warmth no words can accurately describe.. the very moment you leaned into it with your entirety, it abruptly vanished and you crashed and shattered into a million pieces.

The devastation was undeniable, yet he closed the door in your face like there was absolutely nothing there to see.
 
That’s why I don’t have trust or belief anymore. Because he killed it a little over a year ago, and then came back multiple times to make sure any that had survived ended up dead along with the rest of it. He doesn’t want me to be ok, even though all I want is for him to be. I will be ok again.

Placeholder


During my last interaction with D.B., I noticed how differently I was seeing things. I’ve never wanted to approach any relationship or person with the negative, dead-end interpretation I now have. 


Reducing our relationship to what it‘s likely always been leaves an uncomfortable feeling in my chest. Still, that discomfort is nothing in comparison to the damage left behind anytime I’ve trusted in his words.
 

I always held out a tiny bit of hope that maybe one day. Then suddenly, this time around I saw no future. I felt certain that the situation was completely hopeless.
 

That led to me feeling something a little new.. I felt a different, slightly darker version of acceptance. I discovered a taste of apathy.


The abuse, being repeatedly blindsided and abandoned, it made me give up on ‘us’ and on trust. It was freeing to cut off some of the feelings that he kept using as avenues to my destruction.
  

Unfortunately, love and concern for him have stubbornly remained. But..where there used to be this hopeful thought that ‘Maybe one day..’ in its place there was suddenly- ‘It’s never gonna happen.’ ‘It can’t happen.’ ‘He doesn’t love you now, he didn’t love you then, and he sure as hell won’t love you later’
 

Oddly, enough the new resigned outlook was soothing.

It brought me comfort to know my dreams could no longer be crushed and my trust could no longer be broken, because I no longer have either.
 

If I have no belief in him and us, I cannot be let down. Without trusting him, he cannot blindside me by viciously breaking my heart all over again.
  

I can tell you that being blindsided the moment you begin to feel safe and certain, is the most hellish anguish I’ve experienced. He did it repeatedly.
 

In the past, I always had enough faith in his claims of what we were to at least question my perspective..
 

Time and time again I have seen what occurs when I put even the slightest bit of trust or hope into his version of things. Well, that’s why putting faith in him has led to me having a conversion.

How did the man who made me his placeholder become mine?

No longer having belief in the version of us he says is real is what led to him becoming what I’ve always been to him- a placeholder.
 

Not that I am proud of that fact.. I only referred to him as being a placeholder recently because I wanted to spend time with him, even though I knew we were going nowhere. We cannot go anywhere, because he doesn't want to.


This July I went from knowing to prepare myself for the usual, to fully accepting ‘the usual’ was already in the process of happening. So I locked my sweet, trusting, devoted, hopeful and vulnerable self up and went into survival mode. Obviously I am not proficient at this yet, it goes against what I want to do. But I’m still impressed with the fact that I was able to do it at all with him around.

I remained more detached and did not for a minute believe we were back in a relationship or going to ever get married. I did wish he were real and want to be near him too many times. That’s ok. He still got to me some. Hey! I said I made progress..not magically became a robot or full-blown narcissist. Ha.

I hate how someone with whom you wanted to spend forever with, can transition into being a way to kill some pain and pass the time.
 
I never wanted his role in my life to be so..sad and empty. But what’s a girl to do after being pushed aside and left behind over and over again? Would it be smarter to hope for better—No..

Would it be wise to expect to be treated like I matter by someone who repeatedly abused and deleted me from his life like I was nothing and just did it again—Nope. 

Is it a great idea to leave a channel for communication open to him when I know he will just jab at my weak spots to hurt me—Hell no, but I will shut it down again when I think I can’t handle him or decide I don’t want to.

He knew I wanted to talk to him, that’s why he blocks me—he’d rather the control and power to withhold. Too bad that's starting to get old..nah, it is old already.

This July, when D.B. spoke of wanting a future and kids with me, I knew he did not mean it.  I shut my heart down anytime it would start to feel at ease or happy while he was here. 

I hate when I can feel how much I care about him. At least I shut it down majority of the time, not as easy to do as I’d hoped. But it’s not like I have much practice not caring.
 
I felt gross about accepting this would not last, that it was like he was only visiting. Not that he would care at all about me hanging onto him until I run into a genuine partner, but he is who I wanted to be my partner more than anything before he showed me he will never want me.
 
I don’t like having a ‘placeholder’ because it feels like using someone..unless the using is mutual, but D.B. insisted of pretending he wanted a future and that he was trying.

People who are trying don’t block your number and run away after saying that they wouldn’t. He refused to be honest about his intentions. 

I accepted the hopelessness of the situation and played the vapid role he had picked out for me.. And this time, I found myself viewing him in an empty role for the first time too. A dead end.

I saw it as a shallow and unfulfilling interaction to hold me over until something real became available. 

He never gives me anything I can hold onto, he just gives me hope and a dream to chase while he runs away. 

I refuse to get my heart broken by him again. Changing how I view our ‘relationship’ is how to keep my heart and mind safe. 

Refusing to believe and hope keeps me from getting destroyed again.

Other times when he came back around, I still wanted and thought maybe a future could be possible. Maybe, a difficult but worthwhile future.

This time..I knew we had no future, because my mind has accepted he doesn’t actually want a future or marriage. He keeps lying to me. 

My defenses are higher than they have ever been in my life, and they aren’t going to stand down anytime soon- especially around him.

For him to win me back,  he’d have to do a hell of a lot more work for a hell of a lot longer than he’d ever be willing to do. It’d take a miracle. So it’s not happening. The thing is, he doesn’t want to be with me, he just wants me to think he does. If he wanted to be with me, he would be. 

He doesn’t like to commit to people, values, or worthwhile plans. He wants to be alone, doing nothing. I will never understand or hate him for being that way, it just pisses me off and breaks my heart at the same time.
 

All I expect from him now is all he’s ever truly offered me— nothing. 

Done Chasing 


I am not difficult to love or want, but he acted like it would take extreme efforts to do either.
 

NO. I offered him everything. I was willing and wanting to be his wife, mother his children, forgive all wrongs, work with him, and work on myself.
 

He has caused me a great deal of pain, but no matter how well I can recall and discuss it, my mind isn't stuck there in the same way it used to be anymore. Something has changed.
 

I suppose he made his nightmare a reality, by taking over mine. He acts like he cannot see me unless he's looking for what isn't good enough, or for what nice things I have for him to take and/or break.
  

I'm not fully healed, but I am definitely making great progress in the recovery. I've given up on 'us' because I know he is only messing with me.


I know he thinks I am less than him. I know he likes that I have love for him, but I don't mind if he likes it or if he likes having my attention. 


I want him to be happy. If looking down on me and feeling powerful because, at this time, he and the consequence of his abuse play an active role in my life, then so be it.. Glad to help. I was never trying to harm or deprive him anyway. 

 

I was willing to commit to stand by him forever. He never earned or deserved any of that. I accepted him without pause; the only thing he ever did without hesitation was run.
  

He can keep running, but he’ll eventually be too exhauted to keep going.. By the time he finally stops and desires to stand still, he’ll realize he’s ended up all alone out in the middle of nowhere with absolutely nothing.

WHAT I REALLY WANT
How He Fooled Me