"Deceit and violence are in fact very closely related. 'The two forms of deliberate assault on human beings.' They are both modes of dominating people; of using them in ways, and for ends, they would not willingly and knowingly choose. And though violence is the more obvious assault, deceit is more dangerous because it works on belief as well as action."

-Sissela Bok

Sections:

• His Drama Queen

• The Impact 

• Betrayal 

His Drama Queen
👑

Damn me and my overthinking! He told me to stop thinking so much...But I just kept selfishly trying to solve problems and become a less bothersome partner.

"I can't handle your dramatic bullshit!"

That is what he labeled any concern or need I had. He let me know whatever I cared about didn't matter at all, and that I was stupid for having assumed otherwise.

 

Sometimes he'd use his own extreme sob story to shame me for the "petty" thing I was upset over.. You know, because it wasn't nearly as important as the horrors he’d been through.
 

He'd randomly accuse me of lying about my feelings whenever I'd share them. He'd say that my feelings were being exaggerated or falsified in order to manipulate his. 
 

I see what that behavior of his was now- projection. He treated me like I was HIM. I'm not. I wasn't up to no good. There were no malicious intentions behind any of my actions or words I spoke. I meant well, I loved him, and I didn't try to play tricks with his mind. If I told him I felt something, it was simply because that was how I felt.
 

He'd express disgust and rage when I worked up the nerve to mention something I wanted to talk about. That was practically always the case. 
 

If I informed him of something that mattered to me, he'd get furious that I was trying to initiate a productive conversation. He'd lash out at me for “unloading” “pointing” “picking” and "pushing blame."
 

He let me know early on that I was overthinking, overreacting simply by being myself and feeling what I had every right to feel. I had every right to express my concerns, my joy, my confusion, my sadness, my disapproval, and even my anger. That is how you communicate effectively!
 

You can express all of those emotions without degrading and attacking your significant other. You can let someone know you are mad at them, or that you don't like something they did, without attacking them in their most sensitive spots with the intent to cause them harm. You don't try to hurt people you love. You shouldn't try to hurt anyone.
 

He made me feel I was doing something wrong by existing in any way beyond how he wanted me to. He shamed me for every thought I had pertaining to my own wants, needs and perspective. 
 

My life is very real, as is how I feel and experience everything that is done to me. His cruelty caused me severe pain and made my life miserable. 
 

He'd tolerate me gushing about how much I cared about him and would be there for him if he ever needed me. But if I dared say I was ...feeling, wanting, or thinking I'd get in trouble with my boss.. I mean, my boyfriend.
 

I was shamed and rejected for feeling hurt.
 

I was belittled for having needs.
 

I was ignored or attacked for desiring conversations and resolutions.
 

He quickly worked away at me as he masterfully created a dynamic in which I was afraid to speak. 
 

I was constantly confused, stressed, lonely and ashamed. He played with the gaslight so much, that I didn't see what was happening. 
 

With so much uncertainty, I froze and waited for him to tell me how things really were so I wouldn't assume incorrectly..Because at that point, he had me convinced I did everything incorrectly. Even the way I thought and felt was wrong. It was my problem, not his. 
 

Then he called the anguish his malicious behavior left me in drama. 
 

It was a dramatic shift to go from the life I was living to the hell he created for me. It took him no time at all to gain complete control over me, he was the master of our relationship. He was keeping me blind with his sad stories that broke my heart. I was too busy worrying about him to stay as focused as I should have been on my own "drama."  
 

He wanted me dead. He told me so at one point..but everything he shamed me for and left me over never represented the reality of who I am. 
 

He didn't see me. The people I've let nearest to me never have. I trusted and loved him.. So when he kept treating me like I was evil trash, I soon believed that's exactly what I was. 
 

His degradation of my character, his attacks on every thought and emotion I expressed, and his constant refusal to speak to me or extend any care when he saw I was in severe pain following his cruel words and actions.. With all of that, he shoved me right back down into the doormat-mentality I'd thought I'd left behind years prior.

  

He pulled, pushed, mocked, ignored, accused, deceived, betrayed, triangulated, ridiculed, abandoned.. then turned around to call my resulting pain some trivial, silly little thing...
 

He called the suffering he was causing me to endure on a daily basis, my annoying drama..
 

—DRAMATIC BULLSHIT—
A demeaning phrase or label he used to simplify my very real and painful experiences into nothing more than my own supposed overreactive, petty insanity.
  

He made it abundantly clear that my misery was nothing real or of any significance; that it was just my pointless "dramatic bullshit."

The Impact

dra·mat·ic

1. relating to drama or the performance or study of drama.

2.(of an event or circumstance) sudden, striking, and showing a big change.

He was the only actor performing, so let's stick with definition 2. ;)

To abuse someone is serious. It has a detrimental impact on the target's psychological and physiological well-being. The drastic changes it has on the victim's emotional and mental stability IS dramatic..And the only bullshit, is the fact that you have been stuck cleaning up the mess the abuser created.

The impact abuse has on a target's life can be, and often is, severe. So much so, that diagnosable trauma is not a rare occurrence. There is nothing stupid, crazy or 'dramatic'(in the demeaning way he meant it) about taking something of such magnitude seriously. It matters, because people matter. Even assholes like him.

 Betrayal 

"Consent means 'freely given, knowledgeable and informed agreement.' Assent means agreement on the face of it.' 

So, when someone tells you a lie, you can be agreeing on the face of it but you're not knowledgeable or informed. 

You can assemt and agree, but that doesn't mean you're consenting. — Assent doesn't constitute consent if it is induced by force, duress, or deception."
-Abby Ellin, Psychology Today

To be tricked not only into sleeping with someone, but also into loving them..is such a profoundly degrading and earth shattering experience. It takes away your truth, your safety, your rights. It may not be a crime, but it is dangerously damaging.
 

Sometimes, the fact that such a cruel man was ever anywhere near me makes me feel like I'm too disgusting to be wanted by someone ever again. Pretty sure that’s exactly how he wants me to feel.
 

D.B. is a 41 year man who still lies to get laid..Stuff juvenile and raunchy comedy films are made of..But in real life, it is no distasteful joke. It is something much darker, and far more disturbing.
 

For a man to not only tell a small lie to get with you(that is also horrible), but to also create a convincing and astonishingly elaborate false reality in which he claims to want a meaningful relationship, lets you bond with his family, then claims he's in love and desires to be married..He was even trying to convince me to get pregnant. That is insane, and insanely disturbing.
 

He said he experienced SA as a child. I assume that was a lie..if not, I cannot fathom how he could stomach tricking someone into bed when he knows how damaging it is being violated and powerless to stop it. I have room to speak on the matter. That’s probably part of the reason why D.B. called me “damaged goods.” He also knew those words would hurt my heart severely, because when he and I first got together I had trustingly let him know that’s how I used to view myself.
 

Anyway, I know to take the subject matter very seriously, and not to compare something to rape for dramatic effect. It only makes matters worse to know that HE KNEW about my past... Yet he did what he did anyway. Is he evil? I like to try to believe he isn't, for some reason...
  

Maybe he didn't lie about the evil he said was done to him, it's possible..but the vast difference between how I love and how he can't is simply too much to unravel at times. I can never be completely sure, because I am not him- thankfully. I don’t mean that in a snide way.. I am so thankful not to be him. I don't even wish being him upon HIM. I know that sounds funny, but I'm serious.
 

If consent wouldn't be given to the real you and your true intentions, then you are NOT obtaining consent. You are using emotional manipulation and/or coercion via trickery. Being with someone who consented to your deceptive front is being with someone who never actually consented to YOU. It's a hellish experience it is to be degraded in such a way. It is absolutely horrible. I didn't know what was happening until after we were over.
 

Consent CANNOT be granted If you aren't who you are presenting yourself to be, or If your intent is nowhere near what you claim it is. You are in essence, providing a false ID to obtain access to something that you know damn well is listed as a restriction on your hidden, valid ID. How can I know what I’m agreeing to if the real option is kept hidden?
 

I consented to the man he pretended to be, someone genuinely interested and wanting to become my husband in the future. He pretended we were in a meaningful and committed relationship that was going somewhere. If none of that was real..
 

If I had known the real him, and his that he never had any real intention to actually stick around or care about me, I would have NEVER let him near me. Which is why I consider it a serious violation. 
 

If he had wanted to date me just to see where we could go (like normal people do), and then we simply didn't work out after we slept together...that would have been fine! But that is NOT what took place.
 

He claimed to know exactly what he wanted from a relationship with me. He repeatedly claimed our partnership was one he wanted to be permanent. He kept telling me that he and I would make it..that he would never give up on us or let me go because what we had together meant the world to him. He lied to me.
 

And he can call it what he want, such as dramatic bullshit, but he knows what he did. He knows why it is wrong, no matter how unbothered he is by doing wrong.. He knows what wrong is, even if he doesn’t feel it or care.
 

Him saying he will do anything to make it up to me...that he will spend however long it takes to prove himself to me and to show me how much he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, JUST TO THEN ABUSE ME AND RUN AWAY less than one week later (less than 48 hours on a few occasions) is NOT OK. It is a lie to gain access to using and hurting me. 
 

I don't know how he lives with himself. Wait, yes I do..it is easy when you have no conscience. Whether he suffers from a disorder or not- the act itself is pure evil. He is not a respectable or impressive man. He is living like a bad person. I am glad he is not my person.
 

Yes, I am a grown woman who makes her choices- usually lol. Look into gaslighting, coercion, and cognitive dissonance. No big deal right? Wrong. It is a big deal to me. He knew that. I hadn't so much as kissed or hugged a man in over seven years. I did rush in with him, that was my error and my responsibility. 
 

I am responsible for the bad choices I made which landed me in his path, but I am NOT responsible for the wrong he chose to commit against me once I was there.
 

He fabricated a entrancing story to get me to be his. He presented something that made me feel safe and certain. He presented a fake him, a fake us, and a fake and well developed reality...He warped everything in his favor throughout the entire relationship.
 

He manipulated me. Fooled me. Exploited me. He made sure I thought what he knew I needed to think to go through with how involved I was with him.
 

He lied to cover his tracks so he could keep me on call and under his control for the few times he wanted me around. It was an intentional, treacherous scheme and illusion to have me see him the way he needed me to see him, so that he could get whatever he wanted to get.
 

If I had rushed in and regretted it because I lost interest, or simply because he was an unfaithful dude..that would be unfortunate, but I would’ve handled it and accepted I made a choice that didn’t turn out as planned. 

I’d get back up and dust myself off in preparation for choosing more wisely next time around. Cool. You learn from mistakes-eventually ;)  BUT that’s not what I was subjected to.
 

What I faced was more than just repercussions for my poor choices and impulsive actions—Being played by a manipulative abuser is sinister, and makes you sound like a conspiracy theorist. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Because people think what YOU thought when you first rationalized his behavior- that ‘nobody would actually do that!’ 
 

It is not the same thing as regretting being intimate with someone who turned out to be a jerk ..It is not the same as regretting a one night stand. I don't know, I have never had one- I wish he would have been one. ha! So he couldn't have had the opportunity to break my heart.
 

I'd rather work through and learn from the regret of a poor choice I made on my own, than have to accept and cope with the betrayal and degrading mistreatment carried out by the man I trusted.
 

Being used by a narcissistic, exploitative partner is not the same things as sleeping with someone you thought you had a future with, and then being bitter because things didn't work out. It is not anything close to that..
 

There was no trial and error, drifting apart, or changing of minds. He ALWAYS knew what he was doing and what he actually wanted..And it was not the lie he fed me. He never wanted a relationship with me. He only wanted to sleep with me and make me feel horrible about myself. That's all he cared about- sex and his sadism.

I was involved with someone who intentionally deceived me by pretending to be whatever he had to be to get what he wanted. My attention, my approval, my devotion, my body, my love, my energy and my time.

He lied about what he was after, what he was going to do, and about how he felt about me. If he had told me what he was really doing with all that free time while he was busy ignoring me for days to a week at a time, I would not have ended up in his arms again..I can assure you.
 

Cheating or no cheating -I am quite positive he cheated plenty- I went to the doctor numerous times after the relationship ended to make sure I was still healthy, because I had no idea where he’d been/ how many women he was sleeping with while we were together. I have a clean bill of health, thank God..but realizing what he did and how it could’ve impacted my sexual health was terrifying..and mortifying. I had to call and ask for every test possible..it was additional humiliation.
 

He promised he didn’t cheat on me, and that he had never cheated on anyone in entire his life. Mmhmmm. Sure... He never displayed integrity in any other aspect of our relationship. He lied constantly. He abused me ruthlessly.. Yet, he expects me to believe he is capable of being faithful? Boy please!
 

His impulse control is much weaker than mine, and he didn’t care about me.. He loved when I was in pain. I can figure out the rest. One way or another, he was a fraud. The relationship was never what he told me it was. It was a game, and/or something for him to make use of for the moment.
 

If someone won't sleep with you for who you really are, and you have to express false intentions and present some customized persona..that is absolutely wrong, sleazy, violating, selfish, and enough to make the perpetrator deserving of castration... because lying and manipulating someone into sleeping with you is not a clever seduction technique, it is a physical and mental violation. It’s not alright. It's disgusting, no matter how many people try to normalize the behavior. It is wrong. It’s absuive and incredibly damaging.