I’m already certain that I’ve got this—😎

Sections:

• Old Habits
• Shifting Focus
• Guilt & Apologies

Old Habits

I cannot believe that I am saying this...but I am that man I had a ‘crush’ on didn’t make a move. Not because I don’t want him too. I do, but having this time to see how poorly I handled negative emotions has shown me work that needs to be done. That’s not to say I couldn’t get to know someone. What it means is that I need to find better coping mechanisms for handling bad memories, triggers, disappointment, and loneliness.
 

I need to not get overwhelmed when those old fears pop in my head. I don’t need a man to want me. I want one too. Recently, I simply wanted the man I thought I had a good vibe going with to contact me so I could learn more about him. But ya know what...not getting to know some man I just met isn’t the end of the world. 

However, being aware of this logically didn’t stop me from feeling disappointed. It felt nice being around a man who gave me butterflies, I didn’t want something so pleasant to be over with already! Too bad.

When I realized he was likely not going to reach out I decided to get busy working on my website, doing stuff around the house, and looking into social things I could possibly get involved in. I wanted to occupy my time with productive, enjoyable things so I’d be able to get over it quickly and get back to good things! Unfortunately, when I started to dive into editing my website I thought it was a good idea to work on this page, The Discard: His Birthday. 

Exactly why I felt this was a good and safe idea while I was bummed out something boy-related and experiencing more self-doubt than usual..I have no idea lol. It was a horrible idea! I went into a funk. It wasn’t normal at all. Reading over those old words and reliving those distressing moments really messed with me. I remembered all those powerful emotions from that day, both the good and the bad. I ended up recalling everything about the relationship.

Those emotional memories left me in a very uncomfortable state...So I stopped focusing on my pain and started to worry about D.B. —Not healthy behavior—I should’ve faced my pain instead of distracting myself by becoming overly concerned with his. I didn’t reflect long enough at the time to realize that’s what I was doing..Thus, I started wondering if he was alright. I began to worry about him instead of myself, just like I had done throughout the entire relationship. 🤦🏻‍♀️ So guess what this dumbass did...I’ll show you—

Yup. So that entire last hoover—I opened the door to that like an imbecile after I told myself I wouldn’t! That’s why I said I didn’t know if it was a reverse-hoover or hoover six. But I didn’t plan on us opening back and forth communication by sending that. 

I had no desire to be with him or hold a conversation with him. I only wanted to send love his way because my heart was feeling full of care and concern for him...because sometimes I’m stupid. 

It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t discovered his blocked voicemails afterwards. Hell in a handbasket y’all! Why why whyyyy did I do that!?? I should’ve known better. I meant the sweet sentiment. Truthfully, I was hoping he had a new girlfriend or something. I had just read over how much I used to love him and how badly he hurt me while I was editing that main discard page (His Birthday). I didn’t get overtaken by romantic love..but I felt love and sorrow for him and myself. I felt pity for him as I reflected on how hateful and lonely it must be in his head to have been able to do what he did to me. So then, I made a very poor choice and sent him that loving message. Shit.. Well, can only move forward from here.

Shifting Focus

The man I was curious about didn’t make a move, the ex stopped by and acted like a turd. Cool? So, now that all that mess is over with I’m ready to go about my business! 😊 The next semester starts soon. I’ll be plenty busy with that, mom-ing, and finding ways to get involved in activities around town. I’m excited about trying new things, but first I want to figure out why I retried some old ones.

D.B. was familiar. The recent slip I made was stupid, but I can understand and forgive myself for that momentary lapse in judgement. The crush thing..well, that was kind of like a taste of normalcy for me. Even though I approached it like a weirdo. 😂 It was so simple, and also fun because I’m not used to that sort of thing. I’m used to getting creeped on, but I’m not used to being the creeper? lol It was a little humbling..Although, I’m pretty sure my cockiness needs to increase not decrease! 

How worried I became because I couldn’t know exactly what was going on with that man from school, reminded me of how obsessive I can get with anything anxiety inducing. 

Before my relationship with D.B. little things like casual uncertainties weren’t so stressful..But the causation doesn’t really matter anymore, because now it is what it is—and I’m responsible for getting myself and my defenses under control. I ain’t scurrred. 🤓

I told my ex the reason he’s messed up isn’t his fault, but that the way he chooses to remain is. I’m not going to be a hypocrite. I’m going to look at myself. 

D.B. messed with my head..he did hurt me and trigger something awful that is slowly starting to settle back down..BUT the damage is already done, and will continue to exist even if I know I didn’t do it to myself. He’s not going to fix it..

The fact that it is unfair isn’t going to magically rebalance my brain and get my life back on track. I have to put the work in, regardless of whether or not it is fair that my psyche was knocked around and fractured by abuse. 

Fixing the damage done is my job, it always had been. Being open to receiving professional help (trauma therapy/counseling) is just one way I am taking responsibility for my own wellbeing and functionality. I’m not crippling myself with my fear or pride. No sir.

It is not up to others to behave in manners most suitable to my vulnerabilities so that I can remain sane and grounded in reality. It was not that recent man’s responsibility to make his intentions clear so that I could feel less frightened and remain calm. 

It was never the job of that man to reassure me and pursue me on my time so that I could feel more at ease and less insecure. Would I have liked that? Hell yeah! But was that reasonable for me to expect??..No.  

Now.. he did seem interested in me, so I was disappointed and confused when he made no effort to continue communicating with me...BUT my emotional/mental state is not his responsibility! He’s his own person with his own reasons and wants. He wasn’t meant to cater to me just because I thought he was interesting and I happened to also be kind of freshly wounded. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 😬

Nobody has a duty to be sensitive to my cPTSD triggers, or to understand why I have them. I’m not a narcissist, but I do have a few new narcissistic defenses I am facing in order to prevent them from becoming a permanent part of who I am and how I handle conflict. 

I know I need to validate and balance myself. It was acceptable for me to be disappointed because a guy who seemed into me didn’t do anything about it. That’s normal. It was ok for me to want more. I know wanting companionship and affection is not wrong, but to want it so badly feels a bit too codependent for my liking! 

I wanted what I wanted for normal reasons, but maybe to be comforted/soothed as well?? Oops. 

Realizing my current codependent nature baffles me and has taken some time to acknowledge because it is so strange. I literally did not get to know a single man, kiss a man, hang out with a man or do anything involving a man at all for over seven consecutive years straight..So, I thought I had this independent “I don’t needs a man!” thing down. 🧐 

But then why did I get so enthused over a silly little crush? Hm?? I mean..I’m not trying to say I did anything horrible, but I feel like I did something wrong. Approached it wrong? Liked it too much? I don’t know. Was somewhat toooo excited over the idea of getting to be around a person based almost solely on a really good gut feeling I had about them?!!?? Ugh 🤦🏻‍♀️ The embarrassment. Oh well.

Maybe I’d simply denied what I wanted for so long that I kind over-indulged in it when something positive was taking place? 

Sounds funny, but I’m serious. If you keep to yourself like a prude and avoid dating like a traumatized person...doesn’t it seem logical that you might want to cut loose and go for everything and every experience you’ve been denying yourself to have? 

Is that why they say good girls go bad? I’m not going ‘bad’ y’all. I’ll keep it in my pants. 🤣 I’m only saying..I denied myself so many normal human experiences. I’m sick of it, and probably jumping into some unfamiliar aspects of my life a little too hard. 

Oh well. I will try to pace myself..but life is short and I’ve already let myself miss out on so much! I’m thirsty..for life—get your minds out of the gutter y’all. There’s absolutely no room left in there, I’m currently occupying it in its entirety. LMAO.

So..it’s clear that I’m still recovering. Rediscovering myself/ learning the intricacies of who I’ve grown into is a major part of it. That’s why I’m taking time to slow down and reflect on my behaviors—both the productive and counterproductive ones. 

There’s a reason behind everything. If I understand why I falter, I can falter less. If I understand why I am doing well, I can do even better. I swear it makes sense. 

If I do something stupid, I’d like to know why. I like to understand so I can figure out ways to minimize the amount of damage I do to myself and others. I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing. I've put a lot of effort in and come a long way in my recovery/ personal growth..but there is still much to be done.❤️ 

I’m Getting Good at This

Lately, forgiving myself for my mistakes and character flaws has become much easier. In the past, when I'd make a mistake or notice something about myself that's less than ideal, I'd get disgusted with myself and slip into a cycle of self-loathing and resignation. 

That habit formed a very long time ago. Instead of realizing it was ok to make mistakes and have flaws, I looked at every single mistake I made and every small imperfection I had as a massive failure on my part to be a good enough human being.

I never felt I measured up to the standards of those I needed acceptance from since the start. I viewed every one of my errors or unwanted traits as evidence that I was undeserving of goodness and someone's positive regard. 

That's a sad way to live. It seems like majority of people do that to some extent. Myself, and I'm sure many others, take it much more seriously..it can be incapacitating. My disgust with myself is what has kept me stuck for as far back as I can remember.

Recently, I have been able to observe my improving response to my shortcomings or bad choices. I do still get upset with myself, but it doesn't consume me. I don't feel defeated or defined by my missteps or troubles. 
 

This is a big deal!! I can see myself as more than the sum of all the ways I've been shown I’ll never measure up in the minds of people who cannot be pleased. I am finally setting my own standards for myself. They are also high, but they’re not impossible or punishing.
 

• Forgiving

• Being patient with myself during this recovery process, even when it’s challenging. I’m healing more than the damage D.B. caused—His abuse made me realize and accept something I’d never faced or worked through from my past.

• Taking a step back to get a better understanding of what has me upset

• Acknowledging my many good traits, instead of obsessing over the less pleasant ones.

• Putting myself first

• Setting goals to move my life in the direction I want it to go in, regardless of if it is deemed worthwhile by someone else.

• Noticing when I start to worry more about how I might negatively impact someone than I do about fulfilling my needs.

• Accepting that me messing up and acting like a fool is inevitable and survivable! lol

• Letting go of the aim to solve and alleviate all of my disappointment and confusion.

• Remaining determined even after things fall apart. 

• Standing up for myself when I feel disrespected/ belittled

• Accepting that just because I'm not wanted by, or good enough for, one specific man doesn't mean I'm not fantastic and desirable. 

• Not giving into impulsivity, even when the temptation to temporarily silence my exhausting thoughts and feelings is great.

• Letting go of old dreams, and appreciating the beautiful mess I am a part of right now.

• Allowing myself to continue to hope, even if I’ve rarely gotten what I’ve hoped for in the past.

• Trying, regardless of how terrifying it is.

• Knowing that I matter and deserve kindness just as much as anyone else does.

• Making peace with the fact that I may remain single for the rest of my life and never know what it’s like to have a non-abusive partner.

• Realizing that everything will be alright, even if at times I’m not. 

• Kicking fear’s ass!! 🤣 Letting myself be vulnerable and making a fool of myself because I’ve learned nothing incredible ever happens while I’m hiding or playing it safe. It’s ok to take a big leap once you’ve mastered both how to land and how to withstand a crash! 🤓

Guilt & Apologies 

D.B. is a person. Regardless of which version of him is real, or how limited and twisted his emotional range is, he feels and he matters. So, knowing that I upset him and added stress to his day doesn’t sit well with me. I stand by 99% of what I said on his voicemail, but I don’t approve of the way I delivered majority of it. I’ll get over it..but it makes me feel horrible. Nothing I can do about it. He’ll survive. I could’ve lived without speaking to him again. It bothered me how I felt like I was betraying him by being attracted to another man. He didn’t act like I was doing anything wrong by being into a guy, but that’s how I felt—guilty. I had no reason to feel that way..🧐


If he’s reading this—

I am sorry for scolding your voicemail and shaming you for all the things you’ve done to me. You either know the truth of the situation by now, or you don’t. It is not my place or my job to make you see reality. It is not my place to help you be alright or to make you behave kindly. I do care for you, but I don’t want to be with you. I know you don’t love me. I simply wanted the pain from when I was yours to stop.. I wanted to erase the past and for the trauma to disappear. I apologize. I know that’s illogical and impossible.