Sections:

• Confronting Denial

• Putting Symptoms into Contex
  — Escapism & Obsessive Compulsions
  — Avoidance
  — Misplaced Emotions   

• All I Am 

• Unrequited Romantic Interest

Confronting Denial 

I’ve posted CPTSD resources, and have learned some very useful coping strategies from a professional familiar with trauma recovery.. However, I feel me having a much better understanding of narcissistic abuse and Cluster B personality disorders than I do of CPTSD, says a lot. It indicates a blind spot and a problem. 
 

I feel like my approach to educating myself on (abuse-related) PTSD has not been anywhere near in-depth enough. Observing my lack of extensive research done on this matter makes it clear that I’ve been avoiding it, even when I thought I was facing it bravely through therapy and reading. That reading has been too minimal. I should know just as much about this issue as I do all the other aspects of interpersonal violence.
 

Understanding what causes trauma is important, but understanding the impact of trauma is crucial for recovery. It took years for me to finally accept and admit to having any form of PTSD. I ignored it for awhile by convincing myself health professionals must’ve simply spoken to me on days my anxiety was really bad and that they assumed it was a PTSD thing because I had a history of abuse. I didn’t believe I had any reason to be traumatized. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Good God. I know better now.
 

I’ve been managing the depressive issues related to it for a long time. But I’m realizing that, in relation to the fallout from my relationship with D.B, I’ve kind of been letting my acknowledgment of the condition be enough. That's not the proper stopping point. It isn’t enough..
 

Having encountered a new trauma exacerbated symptoms that I no longer struggled with, and even added a few new ones I'd never dealt with before. This most recent abuse being a repeat of similar past traumatic experiences..well, it made the C in CPTSD much more prominent. I guess denial surrounding that fact made it easy not to address. Just like how I denied the severity of the abuse while it was taking place so that it seemed less horrible than it truly was... Cognitive dissonance or dissociation.. or whatever.. I'm sure you get the idea.

Sometimes our defense mechanisms do more harm than good. That's why I feel a great deal of compassion for narcissists, because their destructive behaviors are almost always a protective response to trauma.. and they also received inadequate mirroring early on... just as most overly empathic and/or codependent people did...BUT none of that makes narcissists' abusive ways acceptable, someone else's responsibility, or any less damaging. 
 

I didn't realize why I was in abusive relationships/situations with individuals who struggled with such toxic personality traits whilst they were occurring. I'm not blaming myself for my partners’ bad actions towards me. Not at all. I'm saying that I didn't know what was wrong with me then, so instead of having self-love and trying to heal myself..I shamed myself and felt I deserved every bit of cruelty I was exposed to. 
 

That unhealthy mindset was not my fault. I know that now. Now that I DO know what issues I have, and why I have them...it is up to me to do better. I’ve been trying, but..it’s time to adjust my approach.
 

If I dive more into the PTSD component of abuse aftermath, then I should be able to get a clearer picture of what it is I need to continue fighting through it…but with much more efficiency. I need to see my opponent, so to speak. It's easier to go up against something when you know what you're facing. No sense in punching and kicking around with all my might in the dark.
  

When I was with my last partner, I bought multiple books about Combat PTSD out of consideration for my boyfriend. I’m not sure why I was more willing to accommodate and learn about his struggles than I was mine. So, now I’m going to show myself the same type of care by learning more about my own issues/diagnosis to take better care of…me. 🖤 I purchased a few books already this month. Wish me luck y’all! 

Putting Symptoms into Context

Escapism & Obsessive Compulsions/Behavior

The intense infatuation I wrote about was the perfect example of this. Yeah, my interest in him was definitely a much needed distraction/break from all the negativity I'd been stuck in for the entire year+ prior..I wanted to not place hope into some little fantasy of getting to know a good man for once, but that's exactly what I ended up doing. I never wanted to use my desire for a man as a way to escape difficulties. At least not on any conscious level.
 

The interest, curiosity, and strong attraction I felt towards him was all completely real. It was just the hyper-focus on the situation that wasn't healthy, because that part was not truly about the romantic interest I felt itself..it was about something much more..sad, I guess?
 

That obsessive focus was a sign of a bigger issue.. No, not me being too screwed up or batshit crazy.. I'm just the right amount of crazy! ha. Kidding.. slightly. But the issue still needed and needs addressing.. It was the obsessive compulsive mess I brushed off as simply being a personality quirk of mine.. But it wasn't..it isn't. Not to that degree of focus at least. 
 

I was apparently too afraid to focus on something else, because what I needed to focus on wasn't nearly as pleasant. It seems I was even too afraid to admit that level of fear to myself. I knew I was fearful of many things, especially letting a man near me or into my world at all after what the last one did to me..but what I was most afraid of was something I didn't even look at-
 

The excessive focus on the crush situation itself and the need to carry on analyzing EXACTLY what was going on.. The need to know exactly where I stood with another person and that nothing was going to jump out and get me.. It was..a symptom I minimized, and usually denied to myself was a symptom or problem at all. I reflected on it a little, wrote about it once or twice.. but after I’d write it out I’d shove it out of my mind to some place so far away that I’d forget it existed.
 

I think I probably brushed it aside for the most part due to shame..but If I had done more research on PTSD..and been less of an asshole to myself..I could've faced the error and fixed it without as massive of an internal (or external) struggle.
  

Once again, once I jump into something..even a journey to understanding, I'm fine.. It is working up the nerve that hinders progress and enables a few of my issues to remain unresolved and/or only temporarily pacified. Not anymore. Screw that. I said I'd never give up or stop, so I won't. I've been at a bit of a standstill over the past few months in regards to a few crucial things, huh? I want better, because I am better.

AVOIDANCE

Oh lawd..I'm not sure where to begin with this one.. Let's just put it off until last! I'm kidding. I'm not going to avoid it, it just may take a minute to dive into this one because it has been my most implemented and longest lived coping mechanism.. And it's not a good one. It’s never truly subsided. It’s been, if I’m being honest..lifelong.
 

I’ve avoided ‘living’ for as far back as I can remember. It started off as extremely low self-esteem and a sense of dread within many situations.. Then overtime, my fear and lack of confidence were worsened by life circumstances/traumatic events.
 

THE ABNORMAL BEHAVIORS THAT BECAME MY NORMAL:

Things I avoided as a small child:

• Consistently expressing feelings
• Disagreeing
• Sleeveless tops
• Being myself/annoying
• Acting confident
• Asking for help, time, or patience
• Eating snacks around family
• Speaking loudly/ playing noisily 
• Crying or becoming visibly upset
• Asking for seconds
• Close friendships
• Running in front of others

Things I avoided as a teen:

• Wearing anything without a jacket or hoodie
• Meeting new people
• Opening up to others/forming friendships 
• Parties 
• Dances
• Food (tried too hard to avoid- backfired)
• Speaking freely
• Setting goals 
• Hoping for better

Things I avoided as a younger adult:

• Letting people get to know me/ friendships
• Clubs
• Parties
• Adventures
• Feminine clothing
• Being without a full face of make up
• Yearning for more
• My family
• Trying 
• Love
• The truth
   
  

Things I avoided ages 25-29:

• Close Friendships
• Men
• My Past
   

Things I still avoid in present day:

• Close friendships
• Getting out of the house often
• Men (sort of..)

Things I’ve never done:

• Had a healthy relationship 

• Fallen in love (with someone’s genuine self)

• Been romanced

• Gone on a road-trip for fun

• Been asked out & taken on a real date
  (No: event, coffee, movie, dinner, picnic, play, concert, etc.)

• Worn shorts in public

• Gone to a club

• Kissed a stranger 

• Had a night out on the town with friends

• Been in public without feeling at least a slight sense of shame and/or unworthiness

• Had a group of friends/social life

• Been 100% authentic and vulnerable without the consequence of rejection, ridicule, and/or abusive manipulation

• Let myself fully relax

• Felt accepted

• Dated a man that I can say, with absolute certainty, truly cared about me
• 
  
  

MISPLACED EMOTIONS
&  DISORDERED THINKING

There’s only one person I’ve ever been able to stay angry with for an extended period of time. 🙋🏻‍♀️ Obviously, a lot of what I was most frustrated about pertained to fault I found within myself and my own actions.
 

I'm trying to catch myself whenever I start practicing counterproductive behaviors. Shaming myself for every single negative experience I have is not right. It doesn’t make sense, and it certainly isn’t healthy.
  

This particular section has me frazzled today. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It's going to display such a disordered way of thinking. It's embarassing to disclose it.. Regardless, I’m not going to hide the reality of it, because I know the honesty regarding the most difficult parts of recovery has helped a lot of you. It’s good to know you’re not alone or too wounded to heal.
 

Recovering from any form of abuse, and learning to manage any resulting issues (such as PTSD), is a lot of work. It'll never be done, but facing every aspect of it is necessary for real healing. There are still things that I haven't faced or fully admitted to myself just yet. I'm ready to push further and get this part out of the way.
 

I want to dive in so I can move forward. I’m so tired of feeling like I have to remain confined. I need to move about, reach, be heard, and enjoy moments instead of spending present ones with my mind suffocating in the past. I want more. I deserve more..and so do the people I care about..like my son. The better I am, the better mother he has. He deserves the best. 
 

I know I can do better than this. Not that I’m doing anything wrong by still having things to correct within myself. At least I’m admitting to issues that need to be addressed or re-assessed. At least I’m trying. I’m learning, asking questions, seeking out support, remaining determined, taking chances, sharing and working hard to be a functional and good human being. I’m trying. Some people refuse, and some sadly lack the awareness to even consider doing what’s right even when it’s challenging. Doing the right thing always matters.
 

To avoid getting completely derailed, I'm learning how to redirect my faulty thought processes ASAP when they pop up. And just like all the issues I've been working on, this one has improved drastically. However, when overpowering thoughts and emotional states are stubborn,  it can get rough. At least it doesn't last that long..and the biggest trigger of all is easy to avoid.. BUT I WON'T.
 

Avoidance is worse than feeling a little out of my mind sometimes.. Of course I'm going to feel insane when I can't make sense of anything, or the fear and pain take over me.. but that 'insanity' won't last forever.. because It's only here while I’m learning how to readjust to a life I deserve to start living differently. 
  

At least after all these years I finally understand what it is when I feel the way I do during my lowest moments.. In the past, when I'd get triggered or start to feel defeated, I'd stay stuck because I just blamed, shamed, and hated myself for hurting and being lost. 
  

My entire life, all I did was be hard on myself for not being able to handle the heaviness. But how was I supposed to know how when I didn't actually understand what 'it' was?? It is very complicated, but not impossible to dissect and make sense of..with some help from trauma trained professionals of course. I understand much more now. 

A lot of good has followed my toxic relationship. That troubled man, the horrible experience, and even my own blunders, have all taught me a lot I needed to know in order to feel better than alright.
 

I break down, I freak out.. I get scared, angry and sad..but I'm still here..and I'm glad to be. I can think, I can feel, and I can learn. Simply saying that soothed me. Yay! Things are getting better overall.. but bad hours or days do happen from time to time. I want to share the way I was trained to think since very early on.. because it naturally impacts my reaction to stressors and just about everything. That's ok. I'm rewiring all that crud in my mind y'all 😉
  

Whenever anything bad happens, or I feel intensely emotional...this is where my mind instinctively goes—
 

I know I can’t wait for the world to seem like a less scary and painful place. I also can’t wait to meet a true partner to help me get through the roughest parts of life. I cannot wait..because those conditions may never be met well enough to comfort me.. I know. I’m very aware I need too much validation, or that I long for it too much..like a crutch. I start questioning myself more intensely when I’m not offered reassurances. I’ll doubt my ability to know anything real or do anything right. 
 

Narcissists aren’t the only ones living on a mental island all alone. I’ve always resided there too, on my own little island that felt like a fortress of solitude I didn’t want to be in.
 

My ex— I welcomed him to join me in the place I stayed, even though it had always been empty. Then the way he treated me only made that little island darker, larger, and much further away from the rest of the world. It made me feel like that's exactly where I belonged and deserved to remain. Forever out of sight, sinking in muck, and detached from what I want more than anything-- Which is to no longer be isolated and disregarded. 

The abusive relationship and the damage it created + worsened.. I didn’t see it coming. At the start of my recovery, my failure to see the abuse for what it was left me disgusted and outraged with myself. It still does on occasion now. I thought I was smarter.. I thought I knew better. I thought he loved me and meant everything he repeatedly said he wanted and felt.
 

I didn’t think he’d hate me when all I did was love him and try my best to never hurt him or let him down. I didn’t see what happened with that man coming. I didn’t foresee the hell the relationship would be, or the hold it would have on me for so long after it ended.
 

That's why when I see a man in present day, even if he's just a cute stranger, and even if he’s nice or someone I’ll never end up being around ..it’s terrifying.. Not because he’s done wrong or is bad.. Who the man is doesn't actually play a part in it.. All that my mind focuses on is how I never saw the worst heartbreak and destruction of my life coming.. I trusted myself enough to trust him, and that almost took me out. It sounds dramatic because it was and it's impact still is. I have bad moments. Sometimes I'm not as strong as I've been. I get sucked into intense anger and shame for being too stupid to keep my heart to myself.
 

Sometimes when that crosses my mind I get extremely disgusted with myself. I feel like I let it happen..or invited it? I know it isn't true. But when I behave in an abnormal manner..or when I mess up at all because I'm 'triggered' by things that I know wouldn't have freaked me out before D.B. I just get so furious with myself. I don't blame my ex when I screw up in present day, regardless of if his unkind actions created the damage. I'm the one who can't heal it better or sooner. I'm the one lacking the self-control I should have. I'm the one doing wrong. 
 

When I'm angry at myself in this way, I feel like I'm a monster. And seeing myself as a monster pisses me off even more because I don't want to hurt people. When I feel I'm screwing up and that my mistakes could hurt people, then I start to feel maybe I'm just becoming the same as the people who hurt me. I start worrying that maybe I will never do things right, be ok, or benefit anyone else. I start feeling like I'm no good. I start feeling pathetic, and that's exactly what my ex said I was.
 

When I'm livid with myself for being a selfish, careless monster, that's when I feel like my ex was right to call me pathetic..and a few of the other harsh descriptive words. I know in those moments he was only angry and trying to hurt me. Well, when I'm angry with myself it seems I try to hurt me too. I automatically start punishing myself. Likely because I'm accustom to punishment. That's what I've known.
 

I don't mean to, or always notice, but when I'm upset in this way I begin mentally calling myself all the ugliest things he and a few others have called me. I see myself as all the hideous, unacceptable things people I've loved have told me I am. It's too much, yet that's what happens. It's gotta stop.
 

I know I should be able to handle myself better and adapt..I know it's up to me, not him.. So if it is up to me to fix it, it is my fault when I act out and ruin things. Knowing that I screwed up should be ok, but sometimes..l do what I did recently— Become livid and overwhelmed with my disappointment in myself. I start spiraling or sinking into self loathing for being such a mess and breaking things around me. I feel ashamed and alone. 
 

That's why when crush man innocently mentioned us being too broken in a cute way to relate to me, it triggered pain that had absolutely NOTHING to do with him or that harmless statement. It wasn’t his fault. He didn't cause it or hurt me. The hurt was already there. Triggers just bring the pain back to the surface. 
  

For some reason, those little words reminded me of what I've been feeling about myself for my entire life. 

That I am indeed too broken, and that I'm destined to keep to myself because all I'll ever do is pull people down. I don't want to hurt anyone.. Feeling like I'll burden anyone I let close to me is a fear of mine that makes me want to hide away again.
 

To burden someone is equivalent to causing harm in my eyes..because it weakens, takes away, or hinders someone's peace and happiness. I cannot handle when I know someone is in real pain. So I most definitely cannot handle feeling like I'll be the cause of that pain. My last partner was well aware of this, along with all my other vulnerabilities and insecurities.
  

So I just- That unworthiness I grew up with. The things that kept me isolated..feeling like it was I who was poison and no good. I don't want to take away from someone or bring them down. I don't want someone to hurt. That's a horrible feeling, I'm familiar with it- why would I wish to do anything that would inflict that upon somebody else?
 

This leads to me feeling crushing guilt, and it's why it took so long for me to stand up to my ex. That took a lot of work to get to that point..because I was constantly worrying "What if he can be hurt by this? What if it makes him feel bad about himself? Maybe I'm a jerk now too. What if he thinks I don't care about his pain? "  This st-

It’s true..I don’t trust anyone yet. 

I don’t want to fear the worst, or wonder if men looking my way only wish to use and hurt me.. I don’t want to see the world that way..and I won’t always.. But I need patience, and friends and/or a man willing to wait for me to get there..because I'm trying. I’m really trying.
 

But it’s hard whenever I start to trust or hope a tiny bit, because as soon as I do, I quickly recall what happened last time.....I remember how I never suspected a thing or viewed the misery and terror as something I didn't earn. I didn't think I deserved better. I didn't feel I was worth more than all that pain. What if that hell comes for me again? I don’t want to get broken that way again.
 

I’m already fractured. I’m not too broken..but I am wounded.. and severe injuries take time and care to heal. One day, someone will see that I’m worth caring for..even if people who pretended to care for me pushed my island a bit further out to sea throughout my life..That island may not be as easy to reach as it used to be, but it's still there. I’m on it.
 

I'm tired of cheesy metaphors, but I'm not done yet. I am not waiting around doing nothing while I'm stranded. When too much of myself is there, I start trying to build something sturdy so I can get in the water and start moving back towards everything and everyone else. I'm trying my best not to fall back into that place, but sometimes I do a little bit. Because some parts of me haven't quite left or been rescued yet- by me.  
 

However...even when I'm lost and can't remember exactly what I'm supposed to do, or if I can do anything right.. or trust that I know what is right.. I still count..I still have a lot to offer...I'm still funny.. I'm still smart.. I'm still kind and giving.. I'm still me in there, even if sometimes the view gets blurry and I'm not as sure of all I am..or who I am. I am still in there. All the good and amazing parts..they are there because they are who I am, despite the scars and heavy scuff marks. 
 

I'm a mess..not always..but in certain areas..yes. I am a big mess, and I have enough love inside of me to rearrange and transform that mess into something remarkable. I am remarkable. I think all people are. I'm a person too.. I'm still more than enough, even when I forget that fact and start becoming too desperate for someone to give me a reminder.  Sometimes I forget it's ok for me to believe in myself, and so I slow down hoping someone else will see it. Will see that I'm worth believing in, so that way I know I'm not imagining it. So I can know the people who hurt me were wrong. So. Yea. 
 

I know I can only change myself..then go from there. I know that I’m ready to fight against something other than myself.  But, I am also afraid. Being certain that I know things.. or that I am who I feel I am..sometimes I doubt myself too much to know anything anymore. It doesn’t stay that way with everything.. but certain doubts, fears, and personal insecurities are deeply imbedded within my mind from a very long time ago.
 

Those things never faded or remained in the past. I still hear them today. There is no closure or authentic conversations about things of depth with the individuals who stuck those messages in my head.. .They just don’t have the full emotion or ability to tap into it, or to respond to me respectfully within reality. They don’t see me. The have always treated me like I was someone else. I know they love me. I love them. They aren't horrible people.. but they are strangers in some ways that have made life painfully lonely and confusing.
 

And then the men I chose.. They saw things that way too..to different degrees because they are different people..but they all possessed the same emotional vacancy and inability to treat me like a decent person..or in some cases, their inability to treat me like a person at all.
  

I know I’m scared. I'm always scared. I'm always worried that I'm hurting someone, or making something less good than it was before it crossed my path.
 

Deep down I always feel like a burden. I'm not dead weight, even if sometimes I may not be as quick to get back on my feet as I'd like to be.. I'm never asking for someone to carry me or hold me in place. All I ever desire is a hand to hold for a moment as I'm lifting myself up off of the ground to stand again. I'm learning how to no longer need or want that so badly. I'm trying. 

All I Am

I will always be learning and growing..but at this point, I still find myself struggling a lot within certain types of situations.
 

I am very, very proud of how hard I've fought to get to this point. Although I have a lot of work to do and damage to repair, I still think I am worthwhile as is..even in my imperfect and more vulnerable state. I'm still wonderful. I'll keep getting better for myself. 
 

I've always been too hard on myself. Always. It has landed me in situations with men who saw me the ugly way I did a long time ago. 
 

My negative view of myself had gotten much better years 2013-2020. I had much more confidence. But getting abused again knocked it all back down to where it was over a decade ago. It is slowly, steadily, climbing back up to where it was prior... 
 

BUT, the thing is.. I don't want it to stop climbing once it's reached where it was prior to my most recent toxic relationship. I want my confidence and sense of self-worth to be much sturdier than it was when I met my ex. That way it cannot be eclipsed so easily by lies, cruelty, or the unconscious projections of others. 
 

It hurts me a lot when I give someone the opportunity to see me clearly, but then they reflect back to me that what they see is something I am not. I want to get to a point where that doesn't feel heartbreaking. I need to consistently be my own mirror. Key word- consistently. 
 

Doesn't matter who’s saying what, I should be solid in who I am, what I stand for, and what intentions are behind all I do. I need that reassurance from myself so that getting invalidated in any way, shape, or form will not lead to me invalidating and doubting myself. 
 

Knowing and trusting myself is my responsibility.. I am my responsibility. I need to be ok, even if someone I admire looks at me and tells me I am not.  
 

One day someone will see me as I am and not only view me as my weaknesses, or the nasty injuries I didn't inflict upon myself. They'll see me in my entirety, and they’ll appreciate me the way I appreciate others. 
 

I know that'll happen, eventually.. Maybe it'll be in months, a few years, or possibly not until more than a decade has passed..But you know what, amazing things are worth waiting for. I'll wait for as long as I have to. 
 

I know when I get to where I need to be, and what I want most finally happens, I won't regret any of the hard work, setbacks, and heartache I’ve experienced..nor will I resent the hideous scars I aquired along the way.. because I already know that reaching that point will be worth all of it.  It'll be worth everything. And whenever that day comes, the person next to me will view the path they followed to end up by my side the exact same way.
 

Yeah. My weird, kind best friend is out there somewhere getting tired of dishonesty, petty distractions, and cruelty just as much as I have been. YUP! I believe it. Some man out there possesses a strong mind with both good reason and well developed emotional intelligence.. Oh, and will like my face too! Ha. I know it.🙂

Unrequited Romantic Interests

I'm hoping that I'm not only drawn to emotionally unavailable, uninterested, or abusive partners.
 

This last gentleman, I do not know what he's like at all. Just that he lost interest, or never had much of any. I wouldn't know. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I know I was still curious and all that, but I guess we wanted different things, or my complexities scared him off. I get it. It's alright.🙂 
 

If someone wanted to talk to me, they would. Now that I see nothing will ever happen, I can let go of all the curiosity and want I felt. No problem. I'm used to feeling sort of rejected by the types of men I seem to be drawn to. I need to be more careful about that. I deserve someone who isn't uninterested in having conversations with me.
 

About one week after he and I spoke online for first time, I freaked out and tried to push him away by acting out/deleting him...Then I was bummed, because I truly wanted to get to know him. I was just very afraid...
 

After I apologized for my strange and rude actions, he let me know he wasn't hurt when I deleted him and all that..Which in a sense, I was really glad to hear because I didn't want him sad or offended..But in another sense, it made me feel he didn't give a crap about if we never spoke again or got to know each other..
 

Which is fine too, I guess?....but I did want to get to know him, and I was upset with myself and sad about the thought of not getting the opportunity to learn more about him and enjoy his company.
 

He knew I wanted to get to know him. So I felt like him sharing that he was completely unfazed meant he didn't care, and that the interest was uneven. Like, I wanted to get to know him and spend time with him much more than he had any desire for my company. 
 

I'm worth being wanted, and I'm someone a person should miss. I'm a loving, funny, and cute person. I felt stupid and rejected to believe that I, once again, seemed to be more interested. Especially since I had thought he was into me.
 

I don't know. It's fine. I'd been wanting to talk to him this entire time, but we haven't held a conversation in like a month? Has it been a month yet? If not, I know it's getting close to it. And I guess the last message he sent over two weeks ago was his goodbye message -as I suspected when I first read it. 
 

It's hard to want to talk to a man after he's made it very clear he couldn't care less about talking to you. I deserve more. I hit on him like two months ago, and we've had one conversation..and one message after that. That's it? Sir... that's lame.
 

With the fun chemistry I felt with him when we had a class together, I really thought he would want to talk to me and be excited about getting to know me. I guess I was wrong about all the silly and cute crud I wrote about. But maybe right about that stuff I wrote in those posts about my fear that he'd just think I was too damaged for him. I'm not too broken, but that's ok..he's allowed to be wrong.
 

I know I deserve consideration, and that a man should feel fortunate to have a chance with me..not repulsed by the thought of it. I deserve to be acknowledged and spoken to. I deserve better than silence from people I would give tons of my attention to. I deserve to be treated like I matter and like I'm seen. I do matter, and I am worth seeing.
 

I'm not upset.. Well, at least I'm not hardcore 'triggered' as I write this..It has nothing to do with my mistrust of people I don't know.. It's about me knowing what I want, and what I don't want. I don't want to be confused like this, or to continue being attracted to somebody who doesn't consider me enough to speak to me or to apologize for saying hurtful things.
 

Even if you aren't interested in someone romantically, you consider their feelings and respect them enough to respond and hold a conversation.. or at least you should.
 

I was curious about him from pretty early on after meeting him, but my interest increased exponentially once he started showing obvious interest in me. He flirted, he gave me extra attention, he constantly said my name and checked me out too. We picked back and forth.. it felt very mutual.
 

Sure, I was scared and went back and forth in my belief of what was going down.. But when we were around each other in person, the fact that he seemed so into me got me to start feeling liking him was an ok thing to do..and that he wouldn't be someone who'd want nothing to do with me.
 

That's why I was so confused when he didn't make a move..But I guess I should've taken that big hint. It was just hard for me to make sense of and accept that he didn't want my company and attention..because when I was around him it truly felt like he did. 
 

But now, with him seeming like he doesn't believe me or desire to speak with me... I'm going to take the massive hint this time around!
 

I'm going to let his actions/lack of action speak to me, instead of listening to my own feelings, wants, and hope for a different truth.
 

I spilled my goofy, awkward, and bruised heart to him throughout my writings...even within the post I wrote when I was losing my damn mind in a panic. I let him know I was curious about him, super attracted to him, wanted to talk to him, hang out with him, be near him, and learn him better.. I shared a lot- And he showed me nothing about his interest in me in return.. Which leads me to believe he has none. 
  

I'm making a fool of myself- at least with this man he didn't lie about his interest in me, although his behavior was confusing. He just straight up didn't have any, or had much more interest in other things. I deserve for someone to be willing to make an ass of themselves for me for once.. you know what I mean??
 

I need to stop wondering..and to start seeing what is there. I need to observe actions..like I've been taught to do..
 

He didn't act like he wanted me at all, so I need to listen to that action(and all of the other ones) instead of hanging on to my biased wants and feelings about what I thought would happen, or what kind of personality I felt he'd have.
 

I apologized to him for being scared and freaking out. I explained what caused it, and took responsibility for not handling myself better. I respected him enough to explain what happened and apologize for my error. I was open to communicating. He hasn't been. I told him the truth and expressed myself clearly. He didn't respond to that long thoughtful reply I sent over two weeks ago.
 

He didn't make the effort to hold a conversation with me instead of just sending a message at 2-3am when I wasn't online. And after I sent a thoughtful response and provided evidence, he never apologized for siding with my abuser, or for sort of invalidating what I'd been through...I don't understand. I want to..but I can't understand a person who runs off like I'm something to look down upon or avoid. I wouldn't treat a man this way if the roles were reversed. I just wouldn't. If I got spooked (which I did) I'd come back and set things right..or at least try to. Even if I didn't want to ever date him..I'd at least talk to him and hold a conversation to tie things up and clear the air. To show consideration and respect for the man as an equally important person.
 

So..anyway.. If I ignore my curiosity, lust, feelings, and all.. then go off of his actions alone...Those unfortunately only show me that I don't mean shit to him, and that he has no desire for more. 
 

That hurts to admit, and is hard for me to fully believe because of what I thought and felt before..I need to believe it though, because I'm tired of having hurt feelings. They've been hurt for weeks now. Maybe he assumed he knew what I wanted right away..Like, I do want to be loved one day..and to date someone again at some point..but I wasn't ready for that yet.. Not with a stranger I hadn't built trust with. I just wanted to hang out and learn him and see if it progressed naturally, or went in a more 'friend' direction. 
 

What the hell ever. I'm not bitter, you're bitter! LOL. I'm kidding. I'm pretty butt hurt and flustered right now. I just expected differently. I shouldn't have. I'm tired of dudes I feel interested in, or fall in love with not appreciating me in any way..I should be appreciated.
 

I want to stop feeling stupid, undesired, and unimportant. I've been rationalizing and trying to see how I could be misunderstanding his actions..but it's time for me to stop that self-blame and self-doubt. 
 

I'm great, it's not my fault if he has failed to realize it and appreciate the opportunity he'd been given to get to know me better. I wanted to know him better. So, whatever.
 

It’s true, I don't trust anyone I don't know yet and have barely spoken to. Trust must be earned. Doing it blindly is unwise.. Which is why I was ok with him not believing me about the abuse...But when he actually let me know he didn't believe me about the abuse I endured..it was incredibly insensitive. I am sensitive..but I didn't feel pain because I'm too sensitive, I felt it because the insensitivity of what I read sucked.. Sharing that kind of opinion(that you don't believe a person when they say they were abused) carries a lot of damaging weight. I simply expected better.
  

I didn't send him the link to my website so he could investigate and then declare whether or not the hell I went through was real to him..
 

I sent it to share, be open.. and also to selfishly have the chance to be seen/understood..
 

He chose it was appropriate to view the opportunity I gave him to gain insight into me and my life, as the ideal time for him to judge the legitimacy of what I shared..instead of really seeing what I shared, and my personal viewpoint of my own life experiences. 
 

That..left me very sad. I was happy when I saw he'd reached out..but when I started reading it🥺..Not so much.. 
 

In regards to my experience..I know it was/is real. I didn't ask him if it was or wasn't. But he shared that opinion/ disagreement with what I told him was true in my life. As though he knew better than me about my own life, relationship, and experience. Like it was his place to tell me what happened to ME? He wasn't there.. :( He wasn't involved with the man for the past 2+ years. He didn't love him. I did. He is not me.. He doesn't know me..but he knows my abuser even less..and still sided with him.(Actually, my abusive ex doesn't deny that he fucked with my head and mistreated me anymore.) So what the hell was that all about?? There was error in this gentleman going there.. I make errors too..but I apologize..and I don't ignore people. So, where's he at?..
 

I ended up apologizing and writing kindly about him, and trying to be understanding of his perspective.. I did feel like it made sense for him to be skeptical.. but I didn't like how he seemed to just assume I didn't know what I was talking about when I TOLD HIM THE TRUTH. It hurt. But it hurt worse that he ghosted me after I responded to him thoughtfully.
 

An apology would've been appreciated and accepted, but he never gave me one. I sure extended a couple of apologies to him! Goodness gracious.. He hasn't even spoken to me. I ran, but I came back and explained.. I apologized and took responsibility for my poor choices and actions. He's offered me silence. 
 

I've accepted the reality of what I've observed so far. His actions make it seem that I don't matter in any way to him. Not even a tiny bit, the way 'crushes' do. He doesn't have a strong curiosity or desire to hang out or get to know me in a real way. 
 

He doesn't wish to speak, I want to converse.. so those things don't fit together. I deserve what I want and need.
  

He had a cute, good woman chasing him, and then he brushed that off like it was silly or something he could just get to later whenever he had nothing better to do.. Or maybe like he was too good for me because I've been abused and have CPTSD? Too much 'baggage' for him too? Gosh. I'm not sure which it was..or if it was something else entirely..but I know there are men out there with accepting, open hearts like mine. There have to be. Maybe this man's heart is big, but he'd prefer to keep it closed off to a woman. His choice.. I just wanted to hang out and get to know him.. I wasn't asking him to love me, just for him to be kind to me and appreciate the good qualities that should have been obvious as hell to him already.. I should have been a really exciting opportunity and adventure for him, but he acted like I wasn't anything worthwhile instead. What a shame.
 

I want a real conversation. I deserve that much. He doesn't owe me anything, but I owe it to myself to have standards.
 

His lack vigor really disappointed me. It is not his fault I projected my wants onto him.. But he made an error, I responded kindly..supplied evidence of my truth.. and then he treated me like I didn't exist.
 

I deserve attention, consideration, desire, patience, and acceptance. I will never settle for less again, that's how I ended up with abusers in the first place. I'm standing my ground, even when I'm not 'triggered.' I'm never being a doormat again. Even with people I barely know.
 

This whole thing has hurt my feelings and confused me. He seemed so into me months ago, then he suddenly didn't..Then he finally reached out and he seemed at least to be mutually attracted and interested in hanging out together.. But now he seems to never want to speak to me again.
 

I feel like my feelings were played with a little bit. Like, why'd he flirt so much..then not do shit about it???? Hm? What was that!? That wasn't very cool.
 

I wouldn't flirt like that if I wasn't into the person.. If someone is merely attracted to me, then only look..Don't do all the other shit and get me to notice you if you don't actually want to notice me back that way. That's lame..and inconsiderate. I'm more than a cute face and curves. I'm a person. Some people have feelings, and if a person acts like they're into them..they start to believe that the person is actually into them! Dang
 

Sure wasn't hard to scare him off regardless, huh? He has the right to do whatever he wants.. But I have the right not to like it. One day someone will know better than to pass on me. A guy should see me as a way to enhance his time...not as something that'll waste it or steal it away from him. 
 

Oh well. I tried. I was honest. I apologized and shared my struggles. The entire thing turned out to be such a let down. But that's my fault for getting my hopes up and assuming he was interested the way I wanted him to be. I assumed too much about he and his character. I don't know anything about him. My mistake. Silence says a lot. Got it. I deserve far better than some less than half-ass pursuit anyway. I'm worth effort. I'm worth talking to.
 

Tonight I'm honestly pretty sad about how this crush stuff crushed the sweet, goofy little daydream that I was enjoying over the last several months. It's ok. I have other dreams, and I can find new ones! :) 
 

My concern now is that I'm always going to be attracted to either angry guys who only want me sometimes, or to seemingly nice men who are bothered by my presence. Goodness gracious, there has to be a better way. Maybe I just need to keep my eyes open a little wider and avoid zoning in on a single person who appeals to me at time? Problem is, I don't know how to do that. 
 

I want to get to know people. Getting to know a kind man who will be straightforward, kind, and want me back would be wonderful...but will I be this scared, confused, and negative anytime I become attracted to someone? If so, I guess that'll at least weed out men who can't handle me.. The right man will be happy to. ❤️