I always feel guilty. 

So, when I do something that could potentially hurt someone's feelings, I feel even more guilty. The extreme guilt I feel over my 'A Good Day' post inspired this writing. I feel horrible, but should I? I need to snap out of this neurotic mindset. Maybe I'll feel better after I vent. :) If not, at least you get to witness me learning something new about recovering from months, years, or a lifetime of abuse. I have my own issues to straighten out, and I'm not going to hide them. I'm not ashamed of myself for struggling sometimes. As long as I'm strong enough to be self-aware and keep trying, I have something to be proud of.❤️

What happened was, I was reading over yesterday's post after my anger subsided. Then, the thought of him being hurt by it crossed my mind, and I found that thought very distressing. Why is it always so much easier to stay angry at myself, than it is to stay angry at him? This is definitely a disordered way of thinking. Yet, that is my line of thinking right now.

Having mental health issues doesn't make you a bad person. I only get furious over his because they lead to him being deeply damaging towards others. His mental health issues harmed me and my mental health. I don't appreciate that..but I don't hate him or want him to suffer too.

I was already worried about him on the 16th, because that is a very hard day for him. Then, of course, I was also worried about how he might be dealing with what's currently going on in Afghanistan(he's a veteran). But even with those concerns, I still decided to criticize him and rudely act like he doesn't matter to me in a post poking fun at his appeal?? Why did I do that? That makes me feel like such a heartless person. I know he doesn't care about me, but me acting like seeing him is 'meh' was complete bullshit.

I know seeing him yesterday triggered me, but I didn't realize how mad I was until I read back over that 8/17 post this evening. It made me feel sick, ashamed and worried. I'm sincerely worried about him. I doubt he saw my 'mean' post, but the thought of him seeing it and possibly getting his feelings hurt, is making me upset. That's weird. It shouldn't hurt this bad, or have me this concerned. I'm not exactly sure how to stop feeling horrible about it. The thought of hurting him makes me feel hurt. That cannot be healthy.

This weird guilt episode is not going to keep me stuck and depressed for days or anything, but right now I feel like such a jerk. I didn't need to keep talking about his beard, I know he loves that fluffy thing. God, that was so mean. It sounded like I was saying he was nasty looking. He isn't, he's just cruel. I'm repulsed by how he likes to hurt me, not by his appearance.

I figure I must have felt resentful seeing him where he and I first met. Walking around looking like the same 'friendly' man who tore my world apart- because he is. I was happy while I was mad yesterday, because being mad made me forget about my broken heart and the destruction he caused to my psyche. I didn't even realize I was mad at the time, because my heart feeling better seemed like a positive thing. I'd delete the post, but I'd rather people see that nice people lash out and act unstable too.

Sometimes I still get confused and have to push through cognitive dissonance. I start worrying about being wrong about him, and worrying that I might be saying inaccurate or mean things for no good reason. I start wondering "What if it really does stem off of his combat PTSD?" Which leads to me thinking "Wow, I'm justifying his abusive ways again. I bet I'm falling for his games. I can be such an idiot! I should hate him. What's wrong with me?"

Basically, self-doubt and self-loathing pops up sometimes. It is getting better..but apparently I am having a moment. It happens. Sometimes all that self confidence I'm thrilled is starting to redevelop, it kind of halts and reverses for a second. I switch back to how I felt last year..I suppose that's what being triggered is-Part of me gets taken back to the nightmare, and then I start to feel how I felt during it. I feel ashamed for my 8/17 blog post, even if I shouldn't. Booo.

I'll still have a good day tomorrow, but right now I feel pretty awful. What if I hurt him? I hate the thought of him hurting. I don't understand why I care, I know he doesn't care. I know he probably doesn't feel much, especially in regards to me..but dang it, I feel so guilty. I hate people hurting, and then I went and said hurtful things? Isn't that hypocritical? Why am I being so self-critical? Why am I being so hard on myself tonight? I've written uglier things about him before, I don't get why I'm so bothered by it this time. This was the first time I've seen him unexpectedly, that may have something to do with it..Maybe? 

I'm stuck feeling like I do everything wrong. I can't wait for this to pass. I know it will. It always does.I'll be back after I stop feel guilty and triggered. 🤦🏻‍♀️ It'll be fine..being mad yesterday was so much more fun. I need to stop being mean to myself just because I was mean to a mean man who is always mean to me. ha.. But I can't figure out how to do that in this moment, I'm too worried about his feelings and welfare. What the heck?.. That's not how this is supposed to go. 

I'm sure my brain will start working again by tomorrow. I'll finish this writing once I figure out what's going on with me, and how to stop being so hard on myself. 👍This is strange. 

To be continued-

8/20/2021 Update:

I was stuck in a loop of mentally punishing myself for stepping out of line.

The issue is, the line I start getting disgusted with myself for crossing is one that he and other abusers have drawn for me.

I've heard where I belong, what I should be, and all I do wrong for so long, that I automatically shove myself back down to the miserable, hopeless place they've always kept me. No more. I'm going to get past this.

I'm going to stop feeling like I can't do anything right or know anything real. I'm going to find a way to undo the lies and cruelty these narcissistic individuals have deeply woven into my mind.

It was never my failures or wrongs, I just took them all on because I was repeatedly shown that I was where blame for others' mistakes belonged.

When I'm trying to get through a particularly difficult day, I find knowledge tremendously helpful. I've learned that is completely normal to have setbacks during recovery, even after you think you're damn near healed.

I know I've made great progress, but I still have bad days, in which everything temporarily collapses. More importantly, I know that that's alright!

Knowing that it will be ok, and that I have already gotten up from being pushed down before, helps me stand back up more quickly any time I fall. Each 'episode' I have, gets shorter and less severe than the one before. Usually.

I can hear my ex's voice in my head laughing at me and calling me crazy, stupid, and weak....I can see him staring blankly or patronizingly at me as though my views and experiences don't matter. And all I can do is nod and ignore him, because I know he's wrong.

Admitting to having weaknesses and struggles is not something 'weak' people do. Fighting for yourself when someone you've only fought for is forcefully trying to keep you down..that takes strength.

It takes no inner strength to ignore your problems and focus on causing problems for others instead of fixing your own. Selfishness is the opposite of strong.. Strong people don't break people down, they build them up. 

If you know you are strong, you don't have to force everyone around you to be seen as 'weak' so you can feel better for being stronger. If you can't feel strong on your own, without destroying others, you aren't strong yet. You're just trying to create an atmosphere where you can appear as what you wish you were.

I am not weak..if I were, I would be just as cruel as he is. I'd only do what took little to no effort..Always doing what is easiest builds no endurance, and prevents you from becoming stronger.

I see good and strength in almost everybody, and I only ever want to nurture that to help people become even stronger..Yet, the man I loved wants to do the opposite to everyone, including me. He wants to crush everyone, so he can be the only thing around that is still intact. Always superior. Always in control..no matter how many lives it ruins or deeply damages.

I lose my temper and get angry. I do bad things and make the wrong choice sometimes, I can be a jerk too. But I always regret when I am unkind.. I am going to find a way to be fine with forgiving myself for fussing at someone who has completely broken my heart and mind before, as well as violated my rights.

I deserved so much better..I still do. I deserve to be supported and built up..not torn apart. I deserve patience and compassion. I give it to him and everyone else. It's my turn. I need to learn how to love myself as deeply as I loved him. At least I know I deserve my love and I won't take it for granted. 

It is time for me to stop accepting conditional love from him, and from myself. I deserve better. I need to stop treating strangers better than I have ever treated myself. I'm ready to do better, while accepting I am already more than enough..exactly as is. I deserve kindness, even at my worst. It is time I rely on myself for all the affirmation, acceptance and love he never provided.

If I could try to build him up all the time, I can take the time to figure out what is falling apart within myself and put it back together. If I never gave up on him, I am done giving up on myself. It's not going to happen. I'm going to have my own back now, since all I can trust him to do is stab me in it.

While I was feeling really low the other night, I wrote something about why his abuse was the worst. I will be posting that to the blog-feed soon. 

(COMPLETED THAT WRITING, & placed a link to it below)