Giving Him What He Wants?

I’ve had multiple people tell me (in polite ways) that this website gives my ex attention he doesn't deserve.

—They’re correct.

• Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing you still think about them.
   

• Don't hand over more narcissistic supply by giving them attention.
   

• Talking about them and/or reacting to their cruel provocations is giving them exactly what they want!
   

• They take pride in seeing how much they can still upset you.
  

I have read many things of that nature over the past several months. I fully understand the concept of not feeding the narcissist's ego. Ignoring their existence completely is definitely productive. If I didn't have my webpage, I might consider it. Who am I kidding? I did consider it, more than once..

You have every right to protect yourself, to be angry, and to do all you possibly can to make sure they never steal another part of you away again. Many targets are in complicated situations with finances, custody, stalking, etc. Those individuals have to be especially cautious..because highly narcissistic people know how to twist just about anything you do or say in their favor. Completely shutting down all attention flowing in the narcissist's direction is a very good choice, but it is not the one I am making at this time.

 

I get it. I have been tempted to simply act like my ex means nothing to me, but that would be a lie. This entire website aims to provide insight into the impact psychological abuse has on cognition. How can I accurately reflect the impact his abuse had on my mind if I hide the reality of what is on it? -I can't. Just like I can't delete care for him like it's a file on my phone. I loved him; of course he matters to me. Even if the way in which he matters has changed.

One day months or years from now, the care will have faded, but it hasn't reached that point yet. I don't know how to not care at all about someone. I don't want to know how. I don't want to be able to shut off my heart like that. Even if he acts like a monster, he still counts. He's still technically a person.. I'm learning how to no longer care the way I did, not how to no longer care at all.
 

He seems to think my care for him gives credit to his power over me, or solidifies his greatness and my weakness..
 

But my care only speaks volumes about who I am, not who he is.

He has my care because of what I am capable of giving, 

not because of what he deserves to be given.

Given the sadistic inclinations of my former partner, I think it's fair to say he enjoys the attention and the drama he claims he can't stand(while he's engrossed in creating it). I do not find it particularly fun to expose more of my vulnerabilities to someone who gets off on taking advantage of them. It is highly probable that he'll take pride in seeing he's still able to influence my emotions and impact my life. That is alright..Well it isn't, but it is. And I'll tell you why.

 

There is something that matters much more to me than attempting to deprive an abusive opportunist. There's something that I care about more than proving I'm strong, or 'winning' a game I never signed up for—

What matters to me right now is healing, sharing my experience, and never modifying my behavior for him again.

Now when I explain myself, it is for myself and any readers who are genuinely interested in what I have to say. I no longer explain myself in writings to try to get him to consider point of view, because I now know for a fact he doesn't care about me, my perspective or my life. He made that abundantly clear on my birthday. Actually, he made it clear on numerous occasions, but I believed in his words too much to realize that his actions canceled out their merit.

I had to constantly watch what I said, for him.

I was constantly tightly wound because I was turning around in so many directions at a rapid, unpredictable pace to avoid doing what was 'wrong' for him. 

I was terrified of making him sad, angry, or stressed. 

All of my words and actions were adjusted to accommodate him, and they still never ceased to incite his rage and scrutinizing disapproval.

The very last thing I want to do is continue to censor myself for him. I have no plan to further deprive myself a space to express myself. If I were to avoid writing things simply because I don't want him to enjoy twisting my words to his liking, I would still be catering to an oppressive ex. I'd be allowing him to continue stifling and silencing me. No!

It's true, what he did does still influence me in a way that causes me pain and confusion. Yup. So what? If someone slaps you hard across the face, you're going to feel it, even if you refuse to cry. He has a prideful, absurd mentality.. Kind of like, if I were violently pushed to the ground, he'd belittle me for the resulting bruises. Heck, he'd stab someone then blame and shame them for bleeding. In fact, he did so to me metaphorically more times than I can count!

If someone abuses you and causes damage to your psyche, the damage will exist no matter what front you put up. Now, that is not to say there is flaw in putting up a front to protect yourself against an abusive person. Once again, that is a good and wise thing to do. But I have the right to choose to do differently for my own reasons.

I don't want to fake it. Individuals who are reading this deal with enough fakery already if they've fallen in love with the biggest fraud of all- a narcissist. Truth is always relevant and liberating. Enough people hide, some for good reasons, and some for malicious deception. There are people out there who want to see the actual impact this abuse has, not just what is easier to admit and process.

Worrying about what he will get out of it can finally take a back seat, as fighting for myself has taken the lead.

I am not going to avoid what is best for me just to spite him, or to protect my pride. No. I refuse.

I don't care if he gets mad, amused..or off. If I found out it boosted his ego and provided massive amounts of narcissistic 'supply' I wouldn't change a thing. Have you figured out why?— Because it is not for him.

I am not for him anymore. I never should have been considered as something for him in the first place..but that's how he treated me.

I only existed when he wanted me to. I only received approval when I was doing the 'right thing', and the 'right thing' was me doing exactly what he wanted me to do. I was kept around FOR HIM. He was dating me FOR HIM.I never existed in our relationship, he wouldn't allow it. He took up all the space..He made it his. Everything was his way, because it was always only FOR HIM.

I wasn't allowed to need, want, or feel. It annoyed him too much for me to be a person. If I wanted anything, I was pushing him too hard, crazy and unappreciative. That didn't work for him.

If his words and neglect hurt me I couldn't discuss it, because that would be pushing blame and attacking him because I was imagining issues that were 'all in my head'. That didn't work for him.

If I missed him and wanted to talk I had to make sure to do it how he wanted, because he made sure to tell me he wasn't in the mood to talk about anything I’d expressed a desire to discuss..That wouldn't work for him.

Everything I did, needed, and felt managed to always go right back to HIM. Imagine that.

Why I write may be because of him, but it sure as hell will not be for him. And I won't stop writing for him either.

I will write as much as I want to, for as long as I want to.

I will become indifferent towards him and this past year whenever I am good and ready, regardless of what he thinks about it.

I will 'let it go' whenever I decide I am ready to do so. 
 

I am not on his time anymore. I never should've been.

I was never his to command to fit his self-serving schedule.. While I thought I was only being a considerate partner, I failed to realize I'd actually fallen into a subservient pattern and was faithfully awaiting orders from an obsessively egotistical dictator.

I still hurt pretty badly sometimes. He can enjoy it. He can view my pain as the carnage he seems to lives for. He can use my numerous writings, emotional rants, sadness, anger to validate himself. He can continue to fool himself into thinking the power to scar someone is impressive.

Actually, he can respond and feel however he wants to! I never tried to remove his free will, why start now?! I DID try to avoid setting him off and hurting him, but I didn't push, pull and toy with him to get things and coerce him into behaving how I wanted.

What I did do was tiptoe around his landmines. Is that the same as twisting truths and manipulating for selfish gain? No. There was no calculated tactic to take advantage of him.

I was scared and trying to make the right move because every move I made on my own was harshly condemned by him. I managed to fail him even when I started stepping in the exact direction he'd guided me towards.

That control was is his approach to life, not mine. Responsibility for his cruelty, neglect and abuse should've never been placed on me in the first place..He knew I'd accept it, because he knew I lived to care and serve. But I'm done serving and babying him.

I am not going to bite my tongue to prove a point to him, or to pretend he doesn't still get to me sometimes. I am strong enough to admit I have made bad choices, gotten lost, and been harmed too. I'm not trying to impress anyone, and I have no desire to lie to myself to make this mess easier to face!

I'm definitely not going to try to prove a point to someone who couldn't accept logical explanations or a good woman when he had the chance. I made perfect sense so many times before, just to then have him gaslight the life out if me for explaining myself clearly. He'd respond like I was speaking gibberish, or like I'd just attacked him! Good for him.

He can twist my words and my time with him into whatever he wants to suit him..like he always has. But I will not let how he twists or perceives things impact what I am going to do anymore.

So if he needs the 'power' and ego boost that desperately, he can have it. He can enjoy it. He can build himself up. Why would stopping his potential enjoyment and delusions be more important than doing what I need to do for ME? That would be putting him first still. I'm not in that game anymore. I never entered his life as an opponent..

He would imagine pawns and strategic moves even if there were no board. That's precisely what he does. He brags about how great he is at the game of chess. It is pretty sad to reduce life to a game, and people to mere objects for strategically pushing around to ‘win’.

I'm not a pathetic object, him choosing to treat me as one is the embarrassment-not me.

I do think when he randomly views my website he enjoys it.

It gives him ample opportunity to see how clueless, dramatic, weak and pathetic I am. He twists everything good into something shameful, why should I expect him to do any less when it comes to my worth and character?

He makes everything into something horrible so he can convince himself he is better. I was great to him, and he tried to convince me I was selfish, insane and undesirable. If my writings help him comfort himself, or to get angry and hate(which he loves to do), he can go for it.

Expressing myself is never because I have a desire to prevent his version of happiness. Even if I magically could, I never would. I expect him to have a miserable life, but I'm not trying to make that happen, nor am I hoping for it. I don't want him to have a empty cruel life, I think he will because he is an empty and cruel man.

When I say negative things about him, it is because that is how I feel about him and his abusive ways-not because I want him to hurt. I wonder if he can grasp the concept of people saying things because it is truly what they think and feel, and not because they are attempting to create a duplicitous diversion. I doubt it.

I've been informed that my webpage is being used as a resource, and that my writings are helping other people coping with interpersonal violence. That brings me more happiness than he ever did. Knowing that expressing myself has benefited someone else means the world to me, because even he knows all I ever wanted to do was help.

Thanks to his hate, I now see I have to find happiness beyond just the joy I get from bringing joy to others. I can't rely solely on outside forces for my worth and peace..he and I have that in common, but we have opposite approaches and intentions. I'm working on that.

I am thankful I can address that flaw and learn. I am sad he never will. This is where that sneaky empathy starts sneaking in..and I start to think how unfair it is that he and I both may have some of the same needs and weaknesses, yet he lets his turn into destroying others, while I let mine turn into me destroying myself. This line of thinking gets extremely dangerous. I think I start projecting humanity and a heart onto a man who possesses neither..
 

To him I say—

You Enjoy it. You 'won.' You hurt me. It will take a lot of effort to recover fully. Great work sir. 

I will heal, be stronger, happier and fall in love with a man who manages to actually behave like one.

You can roll around on the ground holding onto that power and control you feel you posses due to your ability to knock people over when they least expect it (because they trust you and expect you to behave respectably) 

Good luck. I hope that all that control and power of yours is good company.

I hope all of your contempt for others keeps you satisfied as you continue drifting aimlessly. 

Enjoy bragging about how great you are.

Enjoy telling women how everything is too difficult for you to ever manage to be who you promise you are- who they need you to be.

Enjoy hating people for having standards…and then enjoy convincing yourself those people don't matter so it means nothing when you fail to live up to them. You probably could surpass expectations, if you could ever get your head out of your own...you.
 

I'm aware that my entire website is a narcissistic injury waiting to happen. But I am not going to deny myself and my needs for him ever again.

So regardless of if he loves this, hates this, or ignores this..it will still be here. 

His response or opinion of it is now as inconsequential as it always should have been.