in progress.  😎

Sections:

• Healthy Narcissism 

• Rebuilding Confidence

• Acceptance & Self-Worth

Healthy Narcissism

in progress — 

I've been working through my thoughts and sharing information on the we page for over foir years now. The blog was created after the main portion of the webpage was.

Being honest about my mental health is a way to validate myself and get a better grasp on my reality so it cannot become blurred again so easily. So yes. This entire webpage is something I've done for my own benefit, but I've always hoped it could help and comfort people that stumble across it too.

I don't know if sharing my experiences, perspective, and feelings has been of comfort to anyone else..but I hope it has. I know some times the truth is a big mess. Sometimes I do embarrassing things or think disordered thoughts, but I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not the only one who gets stuck or compulsively obsesses over the wrong thing because avoidance and repression is like an automatic response to heavy emotions.

Rebuilding Confidence 

in progress —
 

Acceptance & Self-Worth

 
I've always been fearful of being too complicated and broken for anyone to want, accept, and love. That fear became amplified after my last relationship. I of course have my more confident moments, but during depressive episodes or instances of being triggered my head ends up in dark places I’d rather it not be.
  

Thankfully, I do snap out of it. Sometimes within minutes, other times it can take several hours or days. No matter the duration, I do eventually come back to baseline. My mind settles and those overwhelmingly painful feelings begin to fade away as I become grounded again. 

When I’m planted firmly back in reality I’m able to reflect on the fears that had previously consumed me and thrown me backwards. I’m able to address the fears l had, discover the root cause, and combat them with logic and patience towards myself. I’m able to better understand why the panic and excessive shame manifested.
 

Understanding helps me cope in healthier ways.. It also helps me relate to myself in a more productive manner too. 

 
I can go weeks or months without getting desperately lost(extra triggered).. But sometimes I do get stuck or spiral out of control.. and although that is unfortunate, it is nothing to be ashamed of. I am doing the best I can.
 

I will get better at managing things with time, but I will still falter no matter how much healing I do. I will have low moments from time to time no matter how sturdy I get.
 

My struggles don’t make me less of a person or undeserving of all the love and acceptance I’d happily extend to someone else regardless of their own issues.
  

Everyone has issues.. some are easier to hide or manage than others.. but no issues or ‘baggage’ makes a human being unworthy of kindness, acceptance, and love.
  

I love people, so there have to be people out there who will love me too. If I met someone with the exact same mental health conditions I have I’d not hesitate to support and adore them. If I met someone with even more severe or difficult mental health issues I’d want to build them up and be there for them too.
 

I’m not all the awful things I see myself as in my lowest moments. I’m not the disgusting and undesirable mess my last abuser saw me as. I see worth in others, and I’m a worthwhile person too.
  

I worked through this on another post, and I’ll end up working through it again by writing about it later. It helps me understand my behavioral patterns to recall and dissect them.
 

By making sense of the madness it becomes less chaotic and confusing. It helps me accept and appreciate myself as I realize this “baggage” isn’t some huge flaw or reason I’ll never be good enough.. It’s merely evidence of a disorder I didn’t give myself and that I’m badass enough to confront. I’m not a burden, I’m a blessing willing to put the work in to carry myself 😉
 

My struggles don’t define me, but they sure as hell have helped me find myself and have endless compassion for everyone else.
  

I love who I am, even if I don’t like everything that I do. I am imperfect. I am intense and require ample compassion, but I am capable of giving just as much compassion back. I can love deeply. I have more good moments than bad. I know how to try no matter how loud my past failures and fears are screaming that I’ll never make it or matter. Yes I will and I do.
 

I am always putting a lot of effort in to be my best both mentally and physically. Maybe someone on the outside won’t see that because I hide at home and struggle with body image… but every day I put effort in to get out of bed, to believe there is a reason to stay alive, and to have faith in myself. I am always trying my best to do right and to not give up.
 

I’m here smiling and pushing through complications. I’m still here. That counts because I have periods of time when I don’t want to be. Here I am- able to smile, hope, want, feel, and care. :) 

I know I still matter just as much as everyone else. I know I have a lot to offer. We all are full of complexities, and mine don’t make me any less of a good woman with tons to give others.
 

Below I’ll place links to some older posts about appreciating myself too. Maybe I should read over those whenever I’m feeling lost. That way I can remember who I really am and what I’m worth instead of letting damage from my past skew my self-perception.
 

When I’m lost within a bad moment I can start seeing myself as that worthless, bad, nothing I used to think I was just because unwell people treated me that way. They treated me horribly because they failed to see me, not because I deserved to be treated that way.
 

I know what I deserve. It’s the same care I offer others. If I can give love, acceptance, and support then that’s exactly what I deserve back. I don’t want to hang around warped mirrors. I want to be around people who can see me clearly. I am not that bad of a view! haha.
 

Come on.. that was cheesy, but it was cute. I know who I am. I am sensitive, playful, smart, awkward, honest, a bit skittish, kind, sassy, cute, passionate, forgiving, hopeful, sentimental and lovable. I’ll meet friends and a man that can catch on to that one day. 😎
 

I am fun to be around and I will always have your back. I know there are people out there capable of appreciating me and all of that.
 

There are people out there who wont dismiss or look down on me just because I’ve been wounded. I’m more than my struggles and imperfections. I’m more than a disorder suffering inflicted upon me. I didn’t deserve to get hurt, and I surely don’t deserve to get hurt for hurting.   

I’m an entire person, not just a few specific parts. My more vulnerable spots simply add some character that the right people will be grateful to have around. For now, I am going to carry on practicing ways to better appreciate myself. If I keep practicing I'll get better at it just like with anything else.

I am not perfect or simple, but I am loving, worthwhile, and deserving of kindness nonetheless. 🩷