Sections:

• Contrast
• How I'd Treat Me
  —  If He'd Loved Like I Did
  —  If I Met Myself

Contrast

If someone says they're sad I try to comfort them. If someone is lonely I offer my company. If someone feels ugly I tell them ways they're beautiful. If someone is afraid I try to help them feel safe. If someone apologizes I forgive them. If someone speaks I listen. If someone wants to be seen I look at them. If someone does wrong I still appreciate everything they do right. If I observe someone's flaws I know that's not all they are. If someone truly tries I admire their effort.
  

Cool. So then why when I'm sad do I feel like I deserve to be? Why when I'm lonely do I feel like it's because I'm not good enough company? Why do I either feel hideous or like my looks are all there is to me? Why can't I let myself feel safe? Why don't I forgive myself easily? Why do I assume nobody wants to hear me? Why do I feel I'd be seen if I were worth viewing? Why do I dwell on everything I do wrong instead of giving myself credit for what I do right? Why do I feel like I'm too flawed to want? Why does me trying leave me disappointed with myself when I'd be proud if the effort came from anybody else? 
 

While I love people fully, I instinctively only love myself half-heartedly. I struggle to see reasons to love myself, yet can manage to love just about everything about somebody else. That doesn’t make sense. I need to stop keeping emotionally abusive messages from my past alive in my mind by throwing them at myself all of the time. Mhm. Ready to continue my work rewriting and rewiring a few things. 🤓
 

How I'd Treat Me

I've attempted to write about this before, and now I'm going to try again!
 

I’m not saying I'm never rude or unfair to others, but I am much more hateful towards myself. I'm sure many people can relate. So, like any other normal person, I'm going to work through it with creative writing. :) Y'all know the drill-

 
What would it be like if I showed myself the same level of consideration I often show other people?? How much more patience and acceptance would I offer myself if I were anyone else?
 

I need to distance myself from myself to write out how I’d love me. haha. So first I'm going to imagine what it would've been like if my partner had treated me the same way I treated him. How would he (as me) have loved me? Hopefully looking at it from that angle will make it easier for me to see what there is to appreciate about myself in regards to the type of partner I am.
 

Then I want to focus on who I am beyond how I love, serve, and appease others. I don’t want to view my worth as being dependent on how worthwhile I am to someone else. My value isn’t supposed to come from how useful I am to somebody, it’s supposed to come from the fact that I’m a human being.. a decent one. I’m more than how much I give. But who am I other than how I love? I’ll figure that out/ remind myself here and work hard not to forget (again). :P

If He’d Loved Like I Did

He would have thought of me.
 

He would’ve appreciated me and made sure to show it.
 

He would have offered me reassurance.
 

He would have never lied to me.
 

He wouldn't have been able to stand the thought of me crying.
 

He would've talked to me frequently.
 

He would’ve never viewed making time for me as a frustrating chore, because interacting with me would've been something he was grateful for.
 

He'd have been merciful towards me.
 

He would've been patient with me, and never acted like my bad moments made me too hard to love.
 

He would have cared when I was in pain and never tried to inflict more.
 

He would have never denied me respect, communication, and compassion.
 

He would've compromised with me even when it was challenging.
  

He would've complimented me to show I had traits he admired.
 

He'd have always been there when I asked for him to be.
  

He would have gone out of his way to learn how to love me right.

He would have wanted nothing but the best for me.

He would’ve tried to make me feel special because he truly thought I was.
 

He would've seen my wounds as something he wanted to help heal.
 

He would've been honored to be offered all of me, and given me all of himself in return.
 

He would've done his best to guard my heart and never have allowed it to break.
 

He would have let me know I was more than enough for him.
  

He would have taken without forgetting to give.
 

He would have known I was worth any amount of effort it took to hold onto the privilege of being the man I loved.
  

He would’ve never struggled to commit to our relationship because he would’ve seen the value in making me his home and becoming a family. — He'd have known that selfless love was worth everything, and it would’ve molded us into the best versions of ourselves.
 

He would've never pursued other women even when attraction or history was there, because he would’ve known that there was something irreplaceable and meaningful about what we’d built together.
 

He'd have chosen me and stood by that choice with pride.
 

He would have deeply valued how I placed him above everyone else, and never treated me like I could be paused or put on a shelf.
 

He would’ve become closer with me than he was to anyone, and never left me feeling alone by always prioritizing something else or another someone.
 

He’d have consistently tried to be fair and do right by me.
 

He would have told me he loved me and meant it.
 

He would've never taken me for granted.
 

He would have learned who I really am and accepted me.
 

He wouldn't have needed to be friends with so many women/all of his exes, because he would've realized I deserved the energy and time that he would've been pouring into everyone and everything else but our relationship.
 

He would've valued and ranked me above having extra fun or maintaining a meaningless image.
 

He would not have made me settle for unsatisfying scraps of his attention as he kept busy spreading himself too thin in the name of temporary highs and pleasing a bunch of people who won’t be there for him in the end.
 

He would've known I never addressed problems to hurt him or make him accept full fault. He'd have realized I tried to resolve conflicts because I wanted him to know how things impacted me so we could figure it out together and avoid causing each other harm.
 

He’d have known learning to communicate with one another was how to make our relationship stronger.
 

He would have never given up on me. When he said he'd stay he would've stayed. He never would've thrown us away.

So yeah..

If he had thought of me. Wanted me. Appreicated me. Shared with me. Made time for me. Cared about me. Solved problems with me. Given me affection. Encouraged me. Forgave me. Supported me. Apologized to me. Stood by me. Prioritized me. Tried for me.. I would have been in absolute heaven. I would’ve been incredibly grateful and expressed it through my loyalty, words, and passion.
 

This section showed me that the way I loved was definitely good enough, because if I’d been loved that way it would’ve made me cry happy tears and desire to spoil the hell out of him for the rest of my life. That’s nice. Moving on—

 
If I Met Myself
 

Would you feel comfortable trying to point out things you admire or appreciate about yourself? Me neither. Oh well! 🙃 I’ve been told to practice self-compassion and learn how to acknowledge my good qualities instead of tearing myself down.. Here’s one way of doing that—

 
ummm. I've been struggling with this for a couple days. Not in a depressing way.. just in a I don't know how to be comfortable talking about myself like this right now sort of way.   Sooo I'm going to write about myself in the third person. I don't know how to explain why any better than that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

She can, and will, laugh at herself.
 

She works hard to do what is right and apologizes when she does wrong.
 

She likes dad-jokes, puns, and crude humor.
 

If you listen she’ll tell you exactly how she feels and what she wants.
   

She enjoys to create designs, draw cartoons, and sketch realistically.
 

She values a man’s character and intellect over his looks, income, or reputation.

She is passionate.
  

She loves to write. Her technical writing skills are lacking, but her ability to put the depth of her emotions into words can grab ahold of ya. Vulnerability can be refreshing in a world full of emotional detachment! Mhm.
 

She hates when books end, but doesn’t stop herself from reading them too quickly. 
 

She is sarcastic and enjoys when others are quick-witted.
   

Her intensity can enhance certain things in fantastic and unexpected ways
 

She is relaxed and playful in safe spaces.
 

She is so sincere that it can be weird.. in the best way.

She shows affection through considerate gestures like writings, little gifts, creations, food, plans, affirmation, and touch. I'd call her a love-bomber, except the 'bombing' doesn't stop! It can't be a front if it never ends. haha. She loves to give. If she pays enough attention to personalize things for someone it's because she desires to show them they're worth paying attention to. If she goes out of her way to buy, learn, or try new things for you it's because you matter to her on some level.
 

She has always had a pet or pets. Her favorite types are dogs and cute semi-aquatic turtles, but she likes most animals.
 

She cannot stand lying or being lied to.
  

She wants to learn how to play the cello because she finds its deep, beautiful sounds to be absolutely mesmerizing.
 

She has a nasty habit of falling for men who underestimate and undervalue her.
 

She is a good mother.
 

She thinks science is cool..because it is!
 

She’ll happily calm down and hush if you hold or touch her.
 

She has a nice singing voice.
 

She's talented with makeup and feels sassy when she’s wearing it. (you can tell)
 

When she's around positive people she gets bubbly and social.
 

She craves stimulating conversations with people that like to think.
   

Whenever she gets lost she doesn’t stop trying to find her way back.
 

She's curious and hungry for more experiences.
  

She loves with purpose.

If she knows you she wants to know you / fully understand you. (Your point of view. What you need. What you feel. Where you've been. She likes to see who you actually are because that's the only type of connection that is real.)
 

She doesn’t need fancy or difficult to obtain things to be satisfied. 
 

She finds joy in treating people like they matter because she thinks it’s important to remind everyone that they do.
  

She wants to work to support her life, not for work to be her life.
 

She thinks a lot, but always with the intended goal to better understand herself, others, and ways to approach challenges.
   

She currently has no idea where the hell she was going with this.