Sections:

• Weakness

• What Love?
  

Weakness

Off the top of my head I can’t say how many hoovers there have been since D.B. discarded me in 2020. Maybe 13? I know I instigated two or three of them. Anyway.. the most recent one was discussed breifly in my last two posts. It was my fault.
  

I was sad and reached out to my ex for comfort. Which is pretty much the most idiotic thing for me to do when I am feeling low. Has that man ever kept me safe or helped me heal in any way, shape, or form? Ever, ever? 
 

But hey! I wanted to be cared for and he claimed he cared, so that was that.
 

I naturally suspected insincerity when he said he loved and missed me. When you love someone you’re supposed to stand by them, not take off running like they aren’t worth fighting for. If you see great value in someone or something you cherish it.. You’re willing to work for it. That’s only logical. 
 

He’s always left me behind so easily. How can I feel loved by someone that has repeatedly tossed me aside like I’m nothing? I don’t know. Yet I still manage to slip into denial and hope sometimes. Caring deeply for a careless man can do that to you. It’s humiliating.
 

I care about my ex as a person. Part of me feels that friendly bond with him. He's familiar and I would've stood by him forever if he'd truly loved me and not left me behind so many times. But I've disconnected from the level of love I had for him because I've learned how unsafe it is to allow.

He disregards my feelings and prioritizes his convenience over my wellbeing.
  
He won’t let me in.

He refuses to be strong enough to do right by me, regardless of the exhausting amount of effort I put forth to do right by him. 

He selfishly abandons me when he knows I’d never do the same to him.

He treats me like I am hard to want, or like I’m simply not worth caring for.

He has never treated me in ways which allow me to feel safe, seen, and loved.
 

We went from communicating back and forth (including him saying he missed me, loved me, was scared of me, and regretted lashing out at me the time before) to silence for days… He stopped calling me doll, stopped telling me to have a good day or to sleep well at night. He *poofed* without warning or explanation. 
 

The silence did get to me. I tried not to let it. All of the stonewalling from our relationship’s history amplifies things.
 

I tried to remind myself that this is how it always goes. I even told others I was prepared for him to disappear, because he always leaves me alone like I mean nothing to him. So yeah, getting ignored by him still hurt.. even if I’ve kept the pain as muted as possible.
  

I couldn’t hold back after he ignored me for the fifth consecutive time. I tried not to give him my attention and energy.. but y’all know how this thing goes.. don’t you? 
 

After I messaged him my fears and some frustrations I sent him comic relief.. including me poking fun at myself and my reactivity.. Only to then discover I’d been blocked. Ouch.
 

My funny GIFs and TikTok video didn't go through. So a few hours later I texted a goodbye to make sure that wouldn't go through either. When I saw nothing 'delivered' I accepted it.
  

Yeah. He blocked my ass. He is done with me again. Alright. Nothing new. I knew he'd leave me feeling small, but I was at a low a few weeks ago.. and for some reason he's who my mind automatically turns to.
 

I wanted someone who knows me to be there for me the way I always tried to be there for him. I don't know. I just wanted to escape what was going on and fall back to the good parts of what was.
  

I wanted that love I used to believe in, even though he'd shown me multiple times before it was a lie on his part. That's the only love I've ever had. I wanted to be a part of that instead of drowning in the miserable reminder that I'm totally alone and unwanted. 
 

That's where my head was at. And then he left me more alone. ha. Cool. Thanks 'babe'. Such a sweet way to treat your 'doll', the woman you claim to love. Whatever sir.
 

I’d made it clear in my last message that I wasn’t blocking him or hating him, and that I was just overwhelmed by what I was feeling. My head is a mess.
  

What Love?

God forbid there was conflict in need of resolving.
 

God forbid that very normal part of interpersonal relations be present!
 

How you respond to/ handle conflict with someone you claim to love shows whether or not you really do.

If you cannot respect them enough to discuss and try to understand one another.. that’s not loving.
 

That refusal to communicate openly from a good place which seeks resolution and a strengthened bond is not a productive or caring thing to do! It is cowardly and selfish.
 

Cowardice and selfishness have no place in authentic love.. or any healthy relationship. If you rank your pride above your partner.. you do not love them. You can’t love someone if you choose your image over their wellbeing and right to be treated fairly.
 

So if you genuinely believe you love someone, yet continuously fail to love them right.. maybe consider caring enough about them to learn how to do it better. Get help. Put the person you want to care for first.
  

Learn how to genuinely love someone so they can actually feel safe enough to let themselves love you.
 

Love is shown through actions, not just words.
 

If you say you love someone, but then neglect, belittle, and abandon them.. they aren't going to feel loved because that is not loving behavior.
 

If you can’t prioritize them, commit, consider, show affection, be available, listen, talk, share, touch.. you are NOT loving them. 
 

Love is easy to observe and feel. Nobody should ever have to wonder if you want or love them. 
 

If they have to try to figure out whether or not you care about them then you have failed to love them properly. You have utterly failed to treat them right also. Love must be shown and expressed. 
  

If you say you love someone but your actions show a total lack of care, the person you swear to love will not feel loved.. because you aren’t loving them right. You’re only loving them for yourself… because ‘loving them’ gives you what you think YOU need. That is not love. That is narcissism. 
 

And I know seeking out D.B. for comfort when I’m too guarded to let myself love him again is a narcissistic defense, but oh well. Going in vulnerable with him is far too dangerous. Been there.. done that. And what did he do? You know what he did. (Here’s a reminder)

—

Anyway. Someone wants me to think they love me.. the person who just discarded me for the bajillionth time, BUT… 

is it possible to repeatedly throw away someone you value? Mmmm.. seems highly unlikely. Can your desires and pride take top priority no matter how badly that will harm someone you care for? Mmmmm.. that doesn't sound like love to me.

So if someone says they love me, want me, and are sorry for hurting me, but then cannot commit to being there for me.. then that’s someone I need to let go of. 
 

I will never again work so hard to hold onto someone who drops me as soon as things get a little rough.
 

If a man wants to leave (whether that man be a partner or a friend) he can go. I’ll go about my business until I meet someone capable of recognizing why I’m worth standing by.
 

I do not owe anyone my devotion, unwavering support, time, energy, and endless patience—  So why should I ever tolerate another man who takes my willingness to provide him with all of those amazing things for granted??
  

..Like he’s entitled to all of my best qualities while he fails to appreciate them or share any of his with me? Hm? I'm over being belittled, invalidated, and disregarded. I deserve better than that.
 

Nobody has the right to just take from me with no consideration for what I need…  but if they do so, and then act like what I give them aint shit.. then good riddance!
 

If losing me doesn’t feel like a loss, then I clearly was never seen. What a shame. I’m still one hell of a view. I don’t need to be perfect for that sentiment to hold true. 
 

I’m tired of loving people who don’t know how to love or grasp why it’s such an important thing to do.  
  

That’s ok. I know how to love and I’m learning to stop wasting my time on scared men who refuse to be honorable enough to build me up instead of tearing me down just so they can feel stronger.. when in reality them doing so only makes them weaker. 
 

A good woman makes a strong man stronger, but a bad man takes a strong woman and makes her weak to convince himself he’s a better man than the one he’s actually being. 
 

I need a good man who I can support and trust he won’t let his pride stop him from doing the same for me.
  

I can give love, and I’m done settling for receiving less than that in return. I am tired of feeling used and unimportant to people I give my best to.
 

If anyone in my life finds it that easy to turn their back on me, then I won’t torture myself by still being there for them once they decide to turn back around.
 

I’m done being a doormat and a fallback plan to people I cater to and prioritize.