WARNING / DISCLAIMER :

This post includes some explicit and vulgar language.

I was enraged when I wrote a lot of this awhile back.. I thought since I was happier and no longer angry at my ex in present day it would be easy to remain clam, classy, and respectful as I read over these quotes to recall the context in which they were spoken.. I was mistaken. I need a legit punching-bag or some whiskey right about now. LOL. I'm not pissed off at my ex himself anymore, I'm annoyed with all the unacceptable crap he put me through. I've moved on from parts of it, but it's called getting 'triggered' for a reason. The rambling has just begun —

I won’t lie, this was fun to do. He constantly tore apart everything valid and sweet I had to say. It’s my turn to tear apart some of the hateful and asinine things he said.
 

OH, and if D.B. is reading this, turn away sir.. I know how you get when you're 'disrespected.' So unless you want to be upset, please move on..This is nothing you care about anyway. Let me work through the damage and issues you left behind for me, K? (I'm not being sarcastic, yet) Thanks.

Sections:

Things He Said

Lies, Accusations, Insults, & Contradictions

1. Adopted

One day as class was letting out, I heard D.B. telling some of our classmates that when he gets drunk his British accent often comes out. He then spoke in an accent for a moment. When another student asked him about being from England, he went on to say that he was born there, but had been adopted by an American couple at the age of five and brought over here where he grew up. By the way, none of what he told those people is true. But IT GETS WORSE-
 

During our first date as an official couple, I remember very clearly standing is his kitchen holding his hand as he explained who everyone was within the many pictures covering his entire refrigerator. After he finished telling me about his family, I asked him something regarding the supposed adoption. His response was, "Where'd you hear that? Who told you?" I informed him that I'd overheard him talking about it in class. He said, "Oh. Well, yeah my family really doesn't like to talk about the fact that I was adopted." CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IS SO BAD ABOUT THIS? Other than the fact that he was lying to my face?

He had presented our relationship as a serious committed one that he so desperately wanted. He confided in me that he feared he would never get the chance to have a wife and a family. He said he'd been single and celibate for over two years before we met. He acted like he and I were a big deal and a dream come true. BUT if he really, truly believed all he had said to win me over...if he REALLY wanted a meaningful relationship with potential, would he have told me he was adopted? No. That lie would, in the moment in time when he told it, completely rule out a real future.
 

So.. HE KNEW he didn't want what he had passionately claimed to be longing for. He told me he wanted things in such an eloquent and convincing manner in order to earn my affections. HE KNEW IT WAS A LIE. He knew we were a dead end; I wish I had known. 

There is no way he thought we were going to last, because you CANNOT foresee getting serious with a partner who you made sure could never know who you truly are. He obviously had no plan to put in effort to create and maintain an actual relationship with me. He preferred to only put forth effort when it came to manipulating me and breaking my heart. That is why it is even worse than just him telling some outlandish lie.

He could have told me that he had only been bullshitting some classmates, and that he was not adopted. BUT NO, he told me he was-He lied to me just like he lied to classmates that weren't special to him.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HORRIBLE THAT MAKES ME FEEL!??

If your intention upon entering a new relationship is to see if it has any potential at lasting long-term, could you tell your partner a lie that would insure the relationship could never deepen and move forward? No. Him telling me that lie means he completely ruled out the possibility of a future with me since day one.
 

I honestly think he forgot he told me most of these lies, I know he forgot about this one. I'll explain later.. I was all in, because he told me HE was all in.. That's how he won me over, and he didn't mean a single word.

By the time I realized he was definitely not adopted, I'd already fallen in love with him and grown used to rationalizing away his unacceptable behavior.

2. "Ask me again in a week."

3. "Nothing is that serious to me."/ 'Secret, deceased daughter' / "That's what you get for f*cking with a n*gger."

Racist monster. His response to me freaking out when he blew off our date right after we had been intimate for the first time. (That story will be available HERE.)
 
This is something I'm still embarrassed over. I feel I did wrong. But if anyone was going to understand, it should've been him. Now I think he did it in on purpose, because he had already gotten what he wanted. He never wanted a relationship. It was a petty, selfish and damaging game to him.
 
WRITING IN PROGRESS

4. "F*CKING STOP ERINN!"

Sent in response to my texts as I was on my way to the hospital. I was having breathing issues and suffering severe exhaustion after being sick with what was likely COVID at the start of the pandemic. They didn't test me in the ER, instead they diagnosed me with 'acute viral syndrome.' REGARDLESS of what it was or wasn't..I was scared because it felt odd and like I'd had a super flu for several days straight.(I ended up staying ill for over three weeks) I had never been in an ambulance before this, nor had I been to the hospital for any illness other than kidney stones and severe bronchitis a decade ago. I wasn't familiar with what it felt like when you were about to pass out, because it had never happened to before. I was struggling to stay awake and felt loopy as hell. I was simply..scared.
 

I wanted him to know what was happening. So I texted him-he was the only person I contacted because I thought my boyfriend would be someone who would want to know something like... HIS GIRLFRIEND BEING TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL! BUT NOPE. 

I let him know not to call, because I wouldn't be able to respond /speak clearly due to breathing issues. He did NOT care. It pissed him off.
Guys, my heart. I had no signal in the ER waiting area/little room they set me up in. But after about an hour on the IV I got one bar! I heard my text alert, I saw his name. I was happy to see it. I was going to update him with how much better I was starting to feel, I was no longer feeling like I was about to black out. Then I saw his words. I couldn't believe he was being so harsh, that he didn't care, that he thought I was lying and once more, trying to manipulate him into doing anything at all. I was only trying to communicate with my boyfriend what was going on with me, because he claimed he cared about me a lot. I was always such a bother to him. I apologized and explained myself. (I kept a copy of the ER visit to prove I was there. Shouldn’t have felt the need to save it... but he always accused me of lying so I had to be able to defend and prove myself constantly.)

My feelings were deeply hurt. It was emotional abuse and I didn't realize it. He called me dramatic, yet his excessively aggressive response to me was a huge read flag and the only true overreaction taking place. He twisted it back to make me feel guilty. He apologized but then he told me I knew he had lost people, and that the thought of me not being ok had really upset him... So basically, I made him mad, because I should have known how fragile of a state he was in and that me being so sick was going to overwhelm HIM. My problems, emotions, and needs where so inconsiderate towards him simply by existing in the first place.

I had a feeling, but I didn't want to see it for what it was. That was the first time he talked ugly to me like that. I was taken aback. A few days earlier he had said he was in a dark place and was sorry he hadn't been talking much, but that he knew he couldn't ghost his girlfriend..I felt bad and told him to take all the time he needed, and that I would always be here for him if he needed me. I'm sure he knew I'd respond that way. Such a manipulative man who loves to call so many women crazy, manipulative, no-good bitches. He's just..

He went from saying how wonderful he thought I was, to accusing me of being manipulative and ridiculous. -Basically talking to me like I was an annoying and bad person. I was shocked and hurt.

5. "That's my real name."

Oh my goodness! STAHHHHAP!!!!! As if after he shared his love for FIFA, I wouldn't figure out who Liam Wilshere really is.. He said he loved it, so I studied it because he was excited about trying to teach me about FIFA stuff. Good God, D.B. is such a pathological liar, and a complete jackass. You know how he said he was adopted? Well, early on in the relationship I asked him about why his snapchat (where he flirts with 19 year olds like a pervy predator) and Instagram had the name Liam Wilshere instead of his name..He told me that it was because Liam Wilshere was his real name..like it was changed after he was adopted to what it is now. He was dead serious, yet casual about it. As I said, jackass. The lies, the pointless many many lies. His fakery is so weird to me. Why live lying like you are a 15 year old trying to seem cool to the popular kids? He said he was shallow, but damn. Just grow up, instead of living like a sadistic Peter Pan.

6. "I used to be a lot bigger."

Did you???
 

This is NOT to make fun of his body. There was nothing wrong with his body. Sorry for the TMI. He is a handsome dude. Nothing was laughable, flawed, or abnormal. I was in love with the man. I wanted to marry him. So I swear, I am not trying to say he's unappealing physically, he is not- It is his personality that is the problem. Only his heart was too small. ha!

Seriously—I'm only sharing it because this is just another rather odd thing he told me that seems like a random lie. It is highly unlikely to be true that he lost 'size' due to nerve gas during combat. Just saying. I mean, the insane things he said happened to him will have to be made into a condensed list elsewhere. Once again, there was nothing for him to be insecure about, I am not making fun of a his body.

Sharing rude remarks about his body is off limits for me, but his lies about it are not . 🤷🏻‍♀️ I hope that made sense. I feel like a jerk, but I want to share everything outlandish for others to relate to. He said some crazy stuff! I mean, he really had some extreme stories y'all! Everything makes me feel guilty, so I don't know if I'm feeling guilt because what I am doing is wrong, or because he gaslighted me so severely. I'm working on it.. But I think it is ok to share the things he said if I don't use his name, or do it to pick on him. Is it ok? I think it is. I mean, it shows they will lie about all sorts of nonsense..some serious, some odd.

7. "I had brain cancer."

He told me about how he beat brain cancer in 2015. I knew he had previously mentioned me exposure to chemical agents during combat, so I researched it and found out it was possible to get certain cancers from that. I didn't want to ask him what type he had.. Anyway. He not only told me a graphic story about bleeding out his ears and eyes-I'll explain that here______. 

He also used it as an excuse for him forgetting hateful things he said or incidents in our relationship. Especially after he drank. He'd say he had memory issues sometimes because of the cancer he had, and that drinking made it even worse. --I'll rewrite this and explain it all better shortly. Just wanted to provide a rough idea. I looked into PTSD an memory issues, and brain tumors and memory issues. Shockingly, almost all his lies could make sense if you trusted him. It was a lot, but I trusted him..and if I could find ways it could be plausible, I'd run with it.

Last time I saw him he said he was upset with his nephew for tell his dad(who is D.B.'s brother) about how he had cancer years ago. Yet another secret from the family? Like the daughter he said nobody knew about? And he had no picture of..it gets worse--
WRITING IN PROGRESS

8. "I'm going to tell you something nobody in my family even knows. I had a daughter-"

Really? You use her as an excuse to be a distant, abusive monster. Did she exist, did you actually care about a child? I found out like a year later she wasn't blood related which would be fine (if she existed).. But his story about her and his ex wife completely changed for THREE times.
 
WRITING IN PROGRESS

9. "You could ask anyone. My friends know I'm laid back. If I ask what one thing gets me like this they know, 'it's bitches man'."

Yeah babe..that's what the problem has always been..The women you abuse are obviously causing you such a headache..You poor baby. Totally moronic.
 
WRITING IN PROGRESS

10. "I don't know man, she looks really good. I mean, she looks gooood. Something about that short hair is f*cking sexy." / "That's you. I admire beauty no matter the age"

He had the hots for a 19yr old classmate-He is 40, and without pure intentions-obviously. That's just nasty.
 

We couldn't see each other due to COVID phase 1-lockdown. It had been at least a few weeks of us dating, and he had not called me since we became and item. WHICH IS SHADY. He finally calls, and the first thing he does is tell me how this beautiful young woman from class is snapchatting him pictures of herself by the pool to show him her new haircut. Ok..Did I throw a fit? Nope. I told him I was growing my hair out because I had chopped it off a few years ago. So, he responded by talking about how sexy and gooood she looked.

When I mentioned it was making me uncomfortable he got annoyed and let me know I should be fine with him going on about other hot women because "I'm with you not them." "You better get used to it, because there are a lot of hot girls." He hurried off the phone after we discussed absolutely nothing other than the hots he had for another girl and a couple other attractive women from school. How nice of him.

11. "It's not always about you!"

"It's not always about you! We had a death in the family!" After got off the phone(discussed in Quote 10) I felt uncomfortable, insecure, jealous, and a little disrespected. There was no need for him to ramble on about another woman that way. It is rude enough to point out another pretty lady, but that isn't something I would've been very hurt over. That would've been a little insensitive, but easy to discuss. I know there are MANY beautiful women in the world, some prettier than me and some less pretty. Who cares, life isn't a contest..but it was the way he spoke about it that hurt more, because he kept going on an on an on an on, AND it was the first time we'd spoken on the phone since we stopped being able to see each other in person.

I wanted to catch up with him, talk..the way we had on our phone date, and first date in person. But he spent all of his time talking about other women, and about how he should be able to talk about other women because he's with me not them. I wanted to continue getting to know him, because we had started off our relationship with great communication and in-depth conversation, then suddenly he fell silent and harsh.

I texted him my honest, vulnerable feelings in a cautious and considerate manner. I told him that it hurt my feelings that all we talked about when he called was other women. I let him know that I didn't want our relationship to be on pause just because COVID 19 had made things more difficult and had us physically apart. I told him how I felt, I explained exactly why I felt that way, and that I wasn't mad. In a relationship you are supposed to be honest, share feelings and needs, work together, consider how you impact the other person, and TRY. It shouldn't have been a huge ordeal for me to share my feelings. And I did so very clearly. All I was trying to do was communicate with him, where I was. How his words impacted me. I wanted a real relationship, just like he had claimed he wanted.

In response he guilted me, shamed me, and found an excuse to not have to deal with the issue. Someone died. Supposedly. Never told me who. Never spoke of it again either. When I responded kindly to his hostile, rude response he changed his tune and made me feel sorry for him because he acted like he was having such a hard time. So guess what issue was never discussed?

My hurt feelings, my needs, what mattered to me for my well-being and satisfaction with the relationship. AND THAT IS HOW IT STAYED. How I was doing, how his actions and neglect harmed me, did not matter. I did not matter. Only he did. And when I tried to matter, he quickly pushed me down to show me I deserved nothing from him- definitely not his respect or consideration. He made me feel like a bad, selfish, crazy person. He made me feel like I was constantly doing something wrong any time I'd express myself or kindly request to be heard, considered or involved in his life whatsoever.

12. "I'm sure I could f*ck both of them if I wanted to, but I only want to f*ck you."

When he, once again, decided to start sharing about the other women he claimed wanted him. He was referring to two 19 year old girls we'd had a class with. He said one named Beth had told him he was really good looking for a white dude. He also said all the classmates that he sat in the back of class before school closed down, had told him they thought he was in his late 20's, instead of 39-40. OK D.B. Ok... Creep.
 
WRITING IN PROGRESS

13. "That shit is all in your head man"

He'd say that in a calm tone, acting like he was trying to comfort me and let me know nothing was ACTUALLY wrong.. I was just imagining things or too sensitive. 

He'd say that in response to me feeling unwanted, insignificant, insecure, single etc. After enough time passed and the relationship left me alone and hurt..I reached out to tell him how I felt. He showed NO INTEREST in getting to know me better, in deepening our relationship that seemed to have started off on a serious note. He never put any effort in or spoke with me about anything. He never called, and barely texted. He responded by making me feel tremendously guilty. He'd eventually cave and text an explanation. Someone else had died, or he was having nightmares. He was struggling really badly with his PTSD because his dad had killed himself and he was now stuck in the house. ETC ETC. I felt horrible, selfish and insensitive. So I backed off and lowered my expectations. I accepted him being so distant because he said it was temporary, that he was in a dark place and that he really appreciated me being there for him and being patient as he got himself back together. YEAH, HE KEPT ME ON THE HOOK, then went right back to giving me nothing but worry, guilt, confusion and shame.*

14. "My side-bitches."

His ongoing 'joke' about how he was cheating on me. How I was his main 'bitch' but that Rose, Ilham, Beth and who knows else were his 'side bitches'

WRITING IN PROGRESS

15. "Don't try to manipulate me into feeling sorry for you while you’re over there sitting in your own drama! Because you’ll be waiting a long time. That bullshit doesn't work on me!"

Oh look how smart and superior he is! He's far too clever to fall for someone doing something as outlandish as telling him the truth! F*cking antagonistic troll of a man.
 
I had gone to an appointment to discuss BC or getting an IUD. I figured he'd be excited, we had discussed it a few weeks prior. So, when I finished my appointment and scheduled the follow up to get all set up, I texted him from inside my car before I headed home. He responded "Well that's just great!" "I'm going to go before I get even more angry." I had no idea what he was talking about, I didn't know it was about me. I didn't realize his "Well that's great" was sarcastic until later on. I hadn't done anything wrong. 

A little later he sent a text saying something like "Look, I will call to talk to you later because I know you can't read my mind to understand why I'm mad." I was confused and my stomach sank a bit. So I responded honestly "Ok, but now I'm stressed out and will be upset until I hear from you, because I don't know what's wrong or how I managed to vex you." AND THAT'S WHEN HE SENT THAT QUOTE about me trying to manipulate him.

Dude..you told me you were pissed off at me, and that we needed to talk about it..which made it seem serious, and I had just been all happy and oblivious to any problems whatsover. Of course I was upset and stressed! I told him, because that is how I felt. I'd want to know if he was stressed, sad, or confused.. He was letting me know he was really angry with me, and that he was not going to tell me why until later..just leaving me in that stress and confusion. Passive aggressive jerk.

I responded like a doormat after his hostile text. I was shocked and taken aback with the accusation that I would try to manipulate him at all..it was an ugly thing to say, and it hurt my feelings pretty badly that he thought I'd do that to him. 

Eventually he called, and had a story about an ex girlfriend who got and IUD and had an ectopic pregnancy. Sure, sounds possible..I accepted it and called to cancel my appointment right then, because I felt horrible for bringing up painful memories for him. He went on to tell me how he had other two girlfriends had aborted his babies, and that he was use to nobody considering him. I told him "I would NEVER do that to you! I won't do something if I know it hurts you." He said something like. Well that's what I'm used to anyway. (Victimizing himself, inducing guilt, guiding me to make the choice he wanted) Yes, he had manipulated and controlled my choice in my own reproductive health. He would eventually say, No..It is your body, that's not fair of me to ask you blah blah blah. 

But do you want to guess what he said when I told him I canceled my appointment and would do something else? He said "Good, because I wasn't going to f*ck you if you got one."  EXCUSE ME, WHAT?? And I accepted that rude behavior and crude description. I was so busy bending over backwards trying not to harm him, I didn't notice he was treating my like a child he was in charge of, instead of a partner he cared for. I know now. I was blind, but he was the loser for treating me that way. Shame on him.

16. "I just really hate talking on the phone."

Just another excuse he gave for NEVER talking to me, being interested in getting to know me, knowing how my days were going, what I wanted or needed in the relationship. He just hated talking on the phone. He's sometimes say he would call later, then not call at all. OR he'd call and after a few minutes suddenly have to go, and he'd say he'd call me back later once he was done AND THEN NEVER CALL BACK.
WRITING IN PROGRESS

17. 'It's making me sick to have to type all of this. I am going to tutor people like Illham. I want to serve people and help, that is why I joined the Marines. She's just the flavor of the month. I need to know you are going to be ok with me being alone with classmates that are girls. That's the only way this is ever going to work out."-

Oh my gosh! 😂 The amount wrong with this..After getting to know this boy, I KNOW he does not have a selfless or compassionate bone in his entire body! There is no chance in hell he was tutoring other students out of the goodness of his non-existent heart. Writing still in progress-

18. "'I actually did touch her boobs, but that's a story for another time"

(Him claiming to have met a famous porn star) By the way, this man-child had a porn star as his lock screen on his phone. Disgusting and immature. How about someone you actually know? Or a color? He never had a picture of the two of us on there. Lame..
WRITING IN PROGRESS

19. "I'm not buying it! LYING!!!!!!!"

That's exactly how he texted it to me. Had to show him proof I wasn't lying..by the way..because I WASN'T. He's so horrible-

WRITING IN PROGRESS

20. "Do what you said you would! If you say you're going to do something, do it!"

Me!?!? Do I even need to point out the issue with this?😂 That boy never stood by his word or had consistent behavior. He’s a walking contradiction!
WRITING IN PROGRESS

21. "You're so f*cking clueless!"

Yes. So clueless because I didn't suspect he was a pathological liar, narcissist, abuser, conscience-lacking man child. So sorry I expected better from the man I checked on after class because he looked unwell. So stupid of me to have not expected him to be an abnormally empty, selfish and malicious person.

I'm clueless because I trusted a man psychotic enough to lure me in with a freakishly elaborate act. I'd rather be 'clueless' than an evil, destructive negative force going nowhere fast. I'm not clueless, I have issues that made me vulnerable. Now I am addressing them to be better prepared for any future encounters with other monsters. He is clueless to the worth of all other people and life.

He is the imbecile, because he was too stupid to treat a good woman like me right. He couldn't even get along with the most accommodating, patient, doormat-esc person in the world..(I'm not literally the 'most', but you know what I mean.) I get along with just about everyone, and I try to avoid causing problems. He couldn't get along with someone who is almost always diplomatic and non-confrontational.. It is pretty apparent why he creates such chaos--He's either evil, severely unwell, or both. 

No stable or good person abuses another. That should be obvious. If your judgment allows you to abuse people, you have no room to criticize anyone else's poor choices-Because choosing to harm others is absolutely the worst choice anyone can make.

22. "You're going to have to trust me when I say you need to back off."

23. "Oh, those are Ilham's earrings. She forgot them here." "Just kidding!"

You bastard.. He said that in bed right after. How sweet of him. He's such a romantic. 
WRITING IN PROGRESS

24. 'I'm friends with my exes and a lot of girls because all my old friends died.'

Well that sets it up to where I'm the bad guy if it makes me uncomfortable, I mention it, or if I want to set any reasonable boundary regarding it...Doesn't it? You manipulative incubus. 
 

WRITING IN PROGRESS

25. "All of this finger pointing has got to stop!"

How about you not invalidate every viewpoint I have? How about you not tell me what to do all the time?

Literally what he said anytime I tried to talk to him about how something he did hurt me..AKA-tried to communicate healthily about my needs and how his ABUSE was confusing and hurting me. Shame on me for getting confused when he abruptly vanished for days with ZERO communication, called me names, accused me of having selfish/malicious intent behind almost all kind and vulnerable words?? Yeah, I was the worst..Poor baby had to put it up with so much!

I was 'pointing' because I was NICELY telling him my concerns and emotional state. Yes. I was nice about my hurt feelings. I was VERY careful and considerate. Go to my text page or here. I am not perfect, but I am not selfish, hateful, pushy or super needy partner. I got needy because he neglected the hell out of me and I became deeply confused, insecure and lonely!

I will point all I want. At least when I do it, my finger is going in the correct direction. I've said this before, and I'll say it again- He can take his blame-shifting and shift it straight up his __- My 'pointing' is me defending myself against his projections, deflections, and his crazy-making accusations. He always hated it, because what I said was true. It wouldn't even be a personal attack on him, but he'd act like I had just lunged at him! 

I was so dang nice to him while we dated. I never EVER called him names and put him down. I never set out to insult him or make him feel bad..or try to teach him a lesson/ punish him. That was what HE did-as the entitled, sexist, power-hungry man he is. I have over eight hours of recordings to prove it. Sorry, I know I am sounding defensive, that is something many people will deal with after abuse- You get used to having to explain and defend yourself- You get used to being attacked. You are left on edge trying to prove the truth and your good intentions the abuser always criticized. I'll tell you, venting it all out in writing is very therapeutic. I like authenticity, so my rambles and rants will remain. Regardless of what some abusive ex boyfriend thinks about it.

I started getting 'mean' towards him during the end of each hoover, and only when he started gaslighting me, insulting me, stonewalling me, and basically being an insensitive and antagonistic abuser. Reactive abuse isn't an excuse-it's reality. That man knows exactly what he did.

26. "My friends said 'F*ck that bitch!', but one if my good buddies told me everyone deserves a second chance."

Uh huh..One time right after we'd been whatever, he took a picture of us in bed and sent it to some dude or dudes he played video games with.. When I asked him why, he said they had told him to hurry up and "F*ck that bitch, so he could get back to the game." He sent a pic of us with a caption. Mission accomplished. She can walk home or something like that. He's like a 15 year old boy who creeps all the classy and normal kids out. Like the guys who you can imagine thinking a woman is acting like a snob if she doesn't want to hook up with him.

WRITING IN PROGRESS

27. "I told him I just can't take all of your crazy shit, and he said 'Well, you're no picnic yourself'

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28. "Sometimes I forget you haven't dated in a long time. I'm trying to take that into consideration."/ "That's the kind of crazy shit you can't do in relationships!"

😏He was referring to my crazy behavior/AKA me reaching out to discuss the way his mistreatment was troubling me. I was under a lot of stress from all the confusion his behavior was causing. He'd swear I was important to him and that he cared about me, then ignore me for days. He never called. He'd insult me with demeaning names and inaccurate descriptions of my personality. He'd accuse me of negative things I was never doing, or even thinking of. It was mind boggling and exhausting. 

I always felt uneasy. All I needed was for us to communicate, and he made me feel my desire for that was selfish, crazy and something wrong with my character. It hurt. I didn't understand what was happening. He was constantly letting me know what I was doing and who I was was flawed and damaging to him. I tried to do right by him until the day he left, but all he did was do me wrong.

So I get it now. It was all a lie, and you angrily letting me know you had no interest in love or a relationship was the truth. Got it. Wish you would've been strong enough to say what you actually wanted since day one, instead of lying to steal what you know you never deserved.

29. "I'm worried you're gonna end up getting comfortable and not care anymore. Like if you're gonna say 'f*ck it' and blow up." / "I'm joking!" "I mean, you look great now."

(he was referencing how I was 80lbs heavier about ten years ago) Sorry I used to be fat?? You jerk. Thank goodness he was sensitive about the subject matter that could trigger an eating disorder in a lot of women. Such an ass.
WRITING IN PROGRESS

30. "And on that note I'm going to be single!"

I offered to go to therapy to address my 'over-reacting' in response to the abusive incident HERE-.. He'd wronged me. He'd abused me, and in response I apologized and offered solutions to help improve myself so I could be less of a bother to HIM. And how does he respond?? By breaking up with me and letting me know I was too much crazy for him to handle. Once again..he's a horrible person.
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31. "You want me to come by so we can talk this through ?" / "We're going to have to do it some other night. I'm gonna hang with the boys."

He got my hopes up. Selfish piece of shit. He did this sick shit quite a few times. He'd say something that made it seem like he cared and was going to try..Like he was going to do something to help me feel better and strengthen our relationship. As if he and I were going to resolve an issue and be alright. He never followed through.  That evening he said "We’ll have to do it some other time, I'm gonna hang with the boys tonight." He's such an asshole. BY THE WAY this was a conversation he said he'd drive over to have with me to talk about everything discussed in the quote about about him being single.. HE ALWAYS LEFT ME IN STRESS, SCARED, CONFUSED, AND FEELING UNIMPORTANT. Stupid prick.

WRITING IN PROGRESS

32. "Yeah, she called and could tell something was off. She asked if I was ok. I told her, 'Not really man, I'm having doubts about my girlfriend."

Go straight to hell man.. You never deserved a loving girlfriend like me in the first place. But you had the balls to complain about me? Where were your balls when it counted? Hm??? 

The audacity! What kind of delusional bullshit do you have to convince yourself of to think you deserved better than me when I was the one slumming it by being with a heartless creature like you!? You offered NOTHING. You took EVERYTHING. Like a human tick. Then you bitched about who you were robbing blind because they didn’t have good enough stuff?!? Good God man. You're turning yourself into a joke. 
 
WRITING IN PROGRESS -

33. "No jury in the world would ever convict me-"

Writing in progress-

34. "After what happened with my dad, I'm starting to see how important family is" "Would you like to come to my family reunion with me in a few months, if we still have it(because of Covid)?"

WRITING IN PROGRESS

35. "Her hair always smells really good-"

Cool story bro..Just like when you told me your favorite sexual position by referencing how you love 'how the tits are always right in your face' and that it is "your jam" You use those words exactly.. Your jam? AS IF I WANTED TO THINK ABOUT HOW YOU KNOW IT IS YOUR FAVORITE BECAUSE OF THE MANY WOMEN YOU'VE HAD ON TOP OF YOU WITH THEIR BOOBS IN YOUR FACE, YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE! 

WRITING IN PROGRESS

36. "It wouldn't be right, because I know she's still in love with me. She was mad that I wouldn't go over last night. She laughed when I told her I had a girlfriend. She knows I don't do girlfriends."

Who the hell was this poor Rose character? I hope she wasn't real..and if she was, I hope she has gotten free of my ex. She deserves so much better. He talked so much crap about her..and a few other exes. He had me wishing she’d croak..but it wasn’t her I hated- it was the way he made me feel like she was ruining our relationship. He presented her as a threat to everything I adored. Ridiculous boy. He made it seem she just wouldn’t stop bothering him even though she was married or something like that.

He talked shit and constantly tore apart EVERYONE while bitching about EVERYTHING. He’s a cruel, and exhausting malcontent.
WRITING IN PROGRESS

37. "Well, if you'd seen good friends get blown up and killed in combat.."

Ah, of course. So nothing that is important to me actually matters by default!.. Since none of it is life or death. You invalidating, neglectful, selfish butt. 

WRITING IN PROGRESS

38. "You think this is small!?!? You just don't get it. You're still clueless. It's the same principle as all the other shit!"

What in tarnation!?... You..and principles?? BAHAHAHAH!  At least ya got jokes!

WRITING IN PROGRESS

39. "Thanks, take care."

WRITING IN PROGRESS

40. "What if you're just a slut for me. Would that really be such a bad thing?"

Yuck. At least it would be brief and uneventful. Too far? Guy made me way too nervous and self conscious. I wouldn't even get all the way nude. I did once. Only once. THAT'S how judged and unworthy I felt around him. I couldn't even be naked! I like being naked. He just made me feel so scared and ashamed of everything..so I felt that way about my body too..since I'm an entire package deal. Cannot separate the two..
WRITING IN PROGRESS

41. "You got your f*cking makeup all over my face. That shit you put on your cheeks."

>:(  Oh no you didn't!   He said to me angrily the evening I took him back after Discard 1. I'd just been intimate with him, and he bitched about that bullshit. What an unappreciative, selfish, rude tool!!! You got to touch me, be thankful and happy instead of acting like a spoiled Chad. Oh no! Not makeup that comes of with soap and water..Anything but that!!! Dumb.
🤦‍♀️WRITING IN PROGRESS

42. "My friends have actually said that I'd make a great serial killer, because I'm not fazed by death and I'm smart enough to make it look like an accident."

Uhhh...So you’ve said not a jury in the world would convict you a few weeks before this..and now you’re telling me you could kill someone and make it look like an accident..

What are you trying to say to me baby? 

Please tell me you weren’t dishing out intimidation with the theme of murder.. Why you always want me to be scared of you mister? You were supposed to keep me safe :(.  
WRITING IN PROGRESS

43. "I mean, I still want to f*ck you."

Thanks? I mean, is that an accomplishment..to want to sleep with someone?? Aren't there tons of attractive people around the world!? How is this a compliment to someone you are supposed to care about and be convincing to take you back after you discarded her out of nowhere??? My biggest question is..how the hell did he manage to get me back? Oh wait..I know how. It was-
WRITING IN PROGRESS

44. Laughs- "I'm not in love with anyone."

45."I've been angry all day. I know that doesn't mean shit to you, but I'm just trying to communicate where I'm at."

WTF? When did I ever not care!? Passive aggressive stuff annoys me so badly. Don't you dare tell me I don't care, like you're having to go out of your way because I'm the insensitive one who doesn't care about your struggles. Complete bullshit. -WRITING IN PROGRESS

46. "I'm going to tell you something you already know. I have commitment issues. But you knew that. You're not stupid."

You gaslighty piece of shit. -Always added that 'you're not stupid' after saying something he knew I didn't know. Easy way for him to indirectly make me feel stupid for not knowing/ call me stupid without directly saying it. Jerk.
WRITING STILL IN PROGRESS.

47. "It won't be easy, but we're going places Erinn. We're going to make it."

WRITING IN PROGRESS

48. "I only told you about Rose because I care about you and didn't want you to get upset if you saw her name pop up on my phone while we were watching a movie or something. I didn't want you to worry and start freaking out. Well this is going the opposite of how I wanted it to.."

49. "I never even considered the idea of getting married again. I was emotionally abusive to my ex wife and her daughter. So I'm a little gun shy about all of this."

Oh...Holy contradictions, Batman!!!!!!

WRITING IN PROGRESS

50. "I want to fall in love with you Erinn, because you're such a good person, but I hate being vulnerable. You scare me, I'm terrified. You're the first girlfriend I've had that's actually been marriage material, even my ex wife wasn't marriage material! It scares the shit out of me." "I'm this big bad marine, and a 5'4 woman scares me more than anything."

Liar. You never cared about me enough to fear or even want me. You just liked hurting me and looking at my 'big natural tits.' Dude, when you said that to describe them..I was like..boy watches too much porn if he keeps using that category title..if ya know what I'm sayin'. I'm picking, I wasn't mad at him for that, it was just funny because who says that to a girl?? I love your 'big natural tits.' Uhhhh thanks..they're alright. Cannot really take any credit for my genetics. But whatevs...Only compliments he usually gave were about my looks or my 'skills'. Why couldn't he have not use the words skilled if he was going to let me know something. It sounds idiotic.. not a compliment I want to get. Goodness gracious. My brain is starting to hurt. 

WRITING IN PROGRESS

51. "You can take care of me when I'm old."

I would've, gladly. But then you left me and turned out to lack any sort of moral compass or emotionality. Plus you're abusive.. You're just straight up mean buddy.

WRITING IN PROGRESS

52. "I mean look at her, she even wore makeup to play tennis." .."I didn't mean that in a bad way."

You dick! Oh, just another of the MANY casual, subtle insults you constantly dished out. Hell yeh I wore frickn makeup. I got sweaty and gross, and guess who still looked like a gorgeous badass!?? This chick. I was wearing makeup when we met, don't you act like I'm doing something wrong because you don't get it. I always looked a million times better than him anyway- WITH OR WITHOUT makeup. Grrrrr! Antagonistic dipshit.

WRITING IN PROGRESS

53. "You good? You alright man"

After a week of ignoring me after he'd called saying he was really struggling with wanting to drink, his ex gf was bothering him , and he was depressed because father's day was approaching for the first time with his dad gone.. He calls over a week later, and that's the first thing he says. He actually laughed..didn't say 'haha.' Condescending POS then proceeded to tell me nothing had been wrong the entire time he had left me in silence, and that he was playing video games with the boys.----You go grow old with a bunch of 'your boys' and have babies with your Xbox. You selfish turd!
WRITING IN PROGRESS

54. "Let's have a baby. I would be happy if you got pregnant right now." "I really really like you, like I want to have babies with you."/ "You want to give me a baby???"

Thank God I didn't put a innocent child through belonging to you. You're so mean, I can only imagine the abuse they'd endure..

WRITING IN PROGRESS

55. "I told my mom at this rate you and I will be married within the next two years."

56. "I'm not ready for that! I don't want that, with anyone!" 

-Regarding love and a serious relationship.
 
Ouch babe..ouch. Can you see the problem here? On our first date he made clear his intention to only date someone he could see himself marrying..he also spoke of how easily he would fall in love with me and how excited he was about the prospect of doing so. He said he wanted to get married. He wanted me to get pregnant. He mentioned it more than once. But then..on his birthday..he said things just like that ⬆️..

So I get it now. It was all a lie, and you angrily letting me know you had no interest in love or even a relationship was the truth. Got it D.B. Wish you would've been strong enough to say what you actually wanted since day one, instead of lying to steal what you know you never deserved.
WRITING IN PROGRESS

57. "What I want as my life is for us to end up married having babies while living in a shitty house, because that's all I'll be able to afford."

Nothing would have made me happier at that moment if it'd been true..but it wasn't. What made you so cold darlin..I'm so sorry. Truly. You being a jerk doesn't mean you don't matter. 

WRITING IN PROGRESS

58. "I will do what ever I have to do to prove it to you, for however long it takes. I don't quit, that's just not who I am." "I know I love you and I know what I want. I know I want to be with you"

Oh really? Then why were you gone a few days later you pansy ass!? You can be tough and strong to intimidate and threaten people into submission, but you can't put effort into..oh I don't know, anything that takes higher order thinking or strength of character??? Hm? Pissant. That was rude.. sorry. Not that sorry right now, actually. I'm raging hard by my standards!. So enjoy me going off at random I guess. Can you blame me? Theis crazy-making little tool of a man. Ugh.
WRITING IN PROGRESS

59. "Assholes can become sincere."/ "I didn't care then, but I do now."

When he hoovered for the first time after the main discard, he mentioned how he was sincere NOW. It came across like he was saying he never wanted a relationship or a future with me, until now..Which would just, once more, verify out relationship had been a lie. If him being sincere was new, then what the heck was he with me before? What were we? He played me, and pretends that treating me like an object to be utilized for his wants isn't abuse. If you dehumanize someone, deceive and manipulate them to make use of them how you see fit-that alone is a severe form of abusive exploitation. It is not alright. It is not cute, cool or being a 'player.' It is being an abusive narcissist. It's highly destructive, and leave behind psychological scars on the people being degraded.
WRITING IN PROGRESS

60. "Yeah. My brother says that I'm wayyy more f*cked up than the criminals(killers) he's worked with." / "Sorry I'm a psychopath, and not something more simple like Bipolar. ..I always get whatever it is I want, and right now, that's you. So..Sorry."

No judgement if he really has ASPD. I mean judgement, but not for the mental disorder. Judgment and fury over the outcome..the abuse..the madness. It's heartbreaking and infuriating how heartless he is. He doesn't even try to use his cognitive empathy and will power to avoid ruining people. He brags about being strong.. Wel,l then maybe do better in life by not destroying the lives of others. I know he only cares about himself, but in the long run not destroying everything he touches would be beneficial for him. God. Why do I care about this punk!?
WRITING IN PROGRESS

61."-That's not how this is going to go!"

Oh yeah, Captain? I forgot you were in charge of everything.. Including how I choose to express myself and feel. You entitled twat! No wait, that is an insult to crotches everywhere..
 
WRITING IN PROGRESS

62. "This isn't all on me. What's wrong with you isn't 100% my fault."

F⚓️CK YOU, MAN!
I don't ever say that word unless I'm joking..untill now. Untill I met him and left him hardcore rage voicemails after over a year of abuse. NOT 100% HIS FAULT THAT HE ABUSED ME!?? Bitch please!

He went on to tell me I was already 'damaged goods' before we got together. ..You little..shit.. OWN YOUR SHIT, you coward. A man who bullies women thinks he is a badass. Good thing most people, including successful strong men, think abusive men are the scum of the earth. Grown man picking on a woman. He should be embarrassed. 

Let's see him take on a big man as volatile as he is. He won't do it, he only takes on people he can break down because he knows he can't take down a person who doesn't trust his deceitful butt and have specific vulnerabilities which he prides himself on having expert experience in exploiting. 

He'd never take on someone he couldn't manipulate-he has to cheat to win..which means even when he 'wins' he's still the loser. If you can't play fair to win, it is not impressive or strong when you do. And if you view relationships as a game, you need to grow the hell up, or at least sit still in a corner far away from the rest of us. He is a waste of time who manages to make you feel unworthy of his.

The damage he tries to blame me for is a consequence of his abusive actions towards me. If he hadn't abused me, I wouldn't have randomly been traumatized by myself over the past year. His logic is just idiotic. I didn't hurt and react to myself, my mind responded to the stimuli-The stimuli was unfortunately his abusive nonsense. Narcissistic Abuse is serious. But of course, it was my fault because he has try to go and blame the world and find fault in others so he can pretend he did no wrong. He can justify the abuse to himself and others by twisting truths, but it's not reality. He manipulates everything, even how he views people and situations to suit what HE wants moment by moment. 

He manipulated my view of him and his intentions in our very relationship to get whatever he wanted from each interaction. Sick bastard. It is disordered insanity. I do not like him. His actions make him seem truly evil. Perhaps he is. Whatever he is, I loathe how much he hurt me.

63. "Your attitude is starting to f*cking piss me off/"

EXCUSE ME?

Says the man who had an attitude which led to my abuse, and now has a problem with me being rightfully OUTRAGED and angry about being abused by him?? Boy sit your ass down! You see red when you get spoken to that way, but you have permission to talk to everyone like that and even worse? Huh? Cute entitlement your frickn' disastrous presentation of egocentricity. You could do better, but no..you live abusing women instead of protecting and caring for them. THAT's weak. Not me. Accept or ignore my 'attitude' and please graciously Project your own bullshit up your own ass. Thanks!
 
I'd better watch out, a woman having the nerve to be pissed off at getting abused horrifically by a selfish jerk.. 

You're probably dying to 'put me in my place' right about now.. As if it is YOUR right to decide where that is..You sure thought it was while we were together. Got yourself good ole' narcissistic rage that make no damn logical sense and isn't justified..but you'll roll with it and 'teach people lessons' anyway. Entitled in the worst possible way. Toxic-abuse mentality.. My place is far away from that mess.

OOOO you don't like getting talked to like that..But you could belittle me, abuse me, talk down to me constantly, call me names, and on an on this entire time??.Oh no. Nuh uh. What makes you so Goddamn special sir!? Let's flip your favorite question around on ya, who the hell do you think YOU are?? Hm? You sure don't matter more than me. You sure aren't a better more stable person. You sure aren't smarter because you exploited trust and decency like a dillweed who can't get a woman unless he keeps her blind. You trick women into liking you, but think you're the better great catch? Who have you gotten by being yourself, hm???? Do you even know who your 'self' is dude?.
You sure as hell aint got half the strength I do in the ways that actually count outside of frickn literal war. I have logic, resilience, and selflessness. What do you have? The ability to perpetrate textbook narcissistic/ psychopathic abuse? God have mercy on you. Your lacking soul is going to need it.

What is wrong with you boy!? ENTITLED Narcissist 101. He's ridiculous. ME, MY ANGER WITH BEING ABUSED WAS PISSING HIM OFF? Illogical, double-standard bullshit.
If I had treated him how he treated me, I'd likely be dead. Nobody can 'talk down' to him, but he talks down to and degrades EVERYONE. He likes to ask "Who do you think you are?" When he has no right to act like it is his place to control and intentionally harm others. He's so entitled, delusional, arrogant, inhumane.. Need I continue? Or do you already know what an abusive narcissist is like by now? Funny-
WRITING IN PROGRESS

64. "That's the thing, I actually like to make people feel bad."

The Calendar

Scanned images of calendar from the main part of our relationship is available below- 

After the main discard in July, I was desperate for answers. I wanted to understand what had happened. I eventually took out my journals and found a mostly blank calendar. I jotted things down from my journal entries to get a rough outline of our brief, yet freakishly intense, 'relationship.' I will type out what is scribbled on the pages in the slideshow below, and mention the embarrassing pattern I discovered once I looked the calendar over.
  

The hearts are for when we saw each other ( We'd 'get together' every time we got together. While we were a couple at least—Thankfully, I can know we got together less than 20 times within a two year span..Silver-lining to the shame I feel. :/ ) We went a long time without seeing each due to the strict COVID 19 phase-1 lockdown. Or so I thought. Maybe he was still making an exception when it came to seeing other women..like Rose and the 19 year old girl from class.

You'll see how his stonewalling almost always immediately followed each romantic night.. Hmmm. I wonder why he was SO NICE to me during each date, then always fell completely silent/ passive aggressive afterwards...Disgusting.

Of course I didn't suspect a thing, like that I was being played and used. 
 

Mostly, he got away with it because I expected him not to be a horrible sham of a man. I thought he was someone strong and genuine. I thought he had the emotional maturity of an adult, and a conscience. 

My mistake.  Heart broken.  Lesson learned.

Betrayed: Feeling Used

Things I Almost Believe He Meant

WRITING IN PROGRESS-

1–11 (so far)

1. In June 2020, he told me something at the end of one of the family game nights. As the board games were being packed up, and we were winding down for the evening, he leaned close to me and said something very much like what follows- 

‘This is what I want. Look at my mom, how calm and sweet she is. Everyone is having a good time. That’s what I want for my kid. I want our life to be relaxed and happy like this, because that‘s not what I had growing up.’  

9. I’m miserable Erinn. 

Things I Noticed Last Time I Saw Him

(This was written in regard to when I saw him February 2021, a few days before my birthday. That hoover is available here.)

I noticed things like: 

I also noticed how he acted when he showed up to attended therapy with me and we ran into his nephew in the parking lot. I saw how his nephew looked at me. I noticed how quickly his brother called him after we ran into his son/D.B.'s nephew. He'd said he hadn't told his brother the truth about our relationship because he didn't want him to know he was a manipulative, abusive asshole.

BUT THEN when his brother called him right after his son told him he'd seen D.B. with me, I noticed how he told his brother "F*ck patient confidentiality. You're my brother, I tell you everything. Yeah man, so let me tell you what's been going on." Then he quickly walked outside and remained on the phone for several minutes.
 

Why would he have so much to explain? Why would it be urgent enough for his brother to call him within five minutes of his son running into us? Why would he have to call him right away when he knew D.B. was heading into an appointment with me?? Yeah..come on. Plus, D.B. was telling his brother there were no secrets between them, right after telling me he wasn't telling his brother the truth about our relationship or himself. Sketchy.
 

Lastly, I noticed how he declared his undying love and determination to stay by my side while he repaired all the damage he caused-THEN was very quickly able to act like he could throw it all away and never look back.

He once again went from 'I love you and want is to get married' to 'You're disgusting, crazy, and not worth my time.' in a matter of days. As always.

I guess it is pretty easy for someone with no heart or purpose to treat everyone like they're nothing. How else is a void supposed to relate to others?🔥 Dang, that was sassy! :P

ARTICLES:

How Narcissists Play Games to Seduce & Abandon You 

7 Ways Narcissists Make You Feel Inferior