Here We Go Again
Sections:
- Why I Felt Sad About It (his response)
- A Repeat
- Defenses
- Backing Up
- Emotional Reactions
Why I Felt Sad About It
I didn't like a couple of things you said, but that's life.. and people don't always agree or understand each other's way of communicating, especially people who barely know each other.
I felt ridiculous and selfish for being hurt by a simple goodbye message.. I felt I was being ungrateful..because I knew you had been kind enough to at least acknowledge my existence and respond to me.
I started feeling like a big foolish baby who needed to 'get over it'.. I then realized I had started gaslighting myself as if I were doing something wrong by caring and thinking..Old habit-😬 I have the right to think and feel. I'm a dang person.
He knew I was scared of being too broken and too scarred up from my past to ever be wanted or worthy of anything good. Once his belittlement had me feeling my absolute smallest, that's when he'd swoop back in and act in kind ways that made me feel I truly was the one ruining everything. That I just didn't understand what was actually going on.
He gaslighted me nonstop. It's done a number on me. I'm still healing. I'm trying my best. I've made a lot of progress, and I have a lot more to make. I will make it.
He just wanted to fuck me, show me off, and push me around so he could feel powerful. He was only driven by the need to do whatever he had to do to convince himself I was less than him. He relied on that in order to exist in his version of balance. He needed to be treated like he was all that mattered, because he was all that mattered to himself.
I'm not trying to hate on him or narcissistic individuals in general. I'm not mad at him anymore, but his behavior was extremely damaging and self-centered. Being selfish to such a degree that it destroys and lessens the value of other human beings is inexcusable.. It’s mistreatment of the people who aren’t being treated as equals. This form of careless or intentional inconsideration is abuse. It takes away from the world, while giving back nothing but toxicity. It hurts people..very badly.
My highly narcissistic ex believed I deserved to be treated like I was nothing, because that’s all the value he placed in me..and in human life in general. NONE. He made me take the blame because he didn’t care what it did to me, or if it was the right thing to do..as long as it was the easiest and most rewarding thing to do for himself.
According to my abuser, I was always 'misunderstanding' everything because something was wrong with me. I was the problem. Always. No pain I felt was valid. No concern had merit. No want I expressed was viewed as anything other than selfishness or poorly disguised manipulation he had to harshly put an end to.
He did. I was shamed, blamed, rejected, neglected, and then blindsided as he abruptly abandoned me right after he made me think everything was finally starting to head in the better direction he swore we were destined to go.
He broke my spirit, then my heart as he shattered all that made me who I am..or who I was. My sense of safety, my hope, my joy, my certainty, and my sweet, goofy personality..he completely snuffed it all out.. Every little bit of me that was something beautiful- he erased it, on purpose. I was no longer there once he was done. Nothing was left of me. My core beliefs were obliterated. I no longer knew what anything meant or was anymore. I couldn't understand or trust that anything was real. That's why in many of the audio recordings and personal writings I address two or more versions of the same man. Because I still don't know with complete certainty which him he is...But I do know what he did..even if I cannot ever be positive about why he did it.
All of this is very difficult to explain..Which is part of the reason this website is so extensive. It's not because I'm paranoid and don't trust anyone.. It is here because I DID trust someone..and being ignorant to this form of abuse is part of what allowed it to happen to me, more than once. I simply did not know.
Psychological abuse is not simple. It is incredibly complex, and incredibly dangerous. I went from happy, hopeful, and stable to nearly taking my own life within four months. It was the worst experience of my life. And that's not your problem. I know. But that man you felt was trying to make me happy, he broke me down.. and his cruelty almost kept me there for good. He didn't want to make me happy. He wanted me to think he wanted to make me happy.
I'm not mad at you for believing him. I don't blame you.. I believed it too. I still do sometimes.. but it just hurt to read it coming from you for some reason. I don't really know why. It just did. That man scarred me for life, and to know I wasn't believed, but his bullshit was..it just hurts. I wish I could explain it better. I guess it doesn't actually matter.
-And my webpage....
Something also really hurt about knowing you saw this thing I've created and put a great amount of care into, and then you viewed it as less than what it is. Instead of seeing this webpage as being born from my strength, pursuit of personal growth, and my desire to help others, you described it as something fueled by my own brokenness. (mistrust of everyone, and my inability to know what I've been through.) That was incredibly hurtful.
The reason there is SO MUCH information on here about all the intricacies of narcissistic abuse is because I want people to have a chance to see it..I want someone to stumble across it, or be referred by their therapist, and see that they are NOT crazy or paranoid, that what they are experiencing is real, that I believe them.. and that they aren't alone.
So many people are hurt or even destroyed by this form of abuse, yet there is barely any awareness about something that's not actually that rare anymore. That's scary.. People need to know. Because not knowing is exactly why nobody believes the victims, and why the abusers get away with horrid behavior that is continuously traumatizing others. Accountability is crucial to help both victim and abuser.
A lot of people who go through this end up isolated and possibly suicidal. I'd hate the world to lose beautiful people just because they were broken down and blinded by the selfishness and/or cruelty of bitter individuals.
Getting dehumanized like this is unacceptable.. And to survive it, just to then get treated like you're crazy by everybody else the moment you open your mouth and speak the truth....it's like the gaslighting, shame, and loneliness never ends.
It hurts. It's not other people's fault they don't understand, but the end consequence is the same for those who have been abused. They're alone feeling voiceless, unimportant, and quite possibly even becoming incredibly unsure of themselves all over again. Feeling they are to blame for the hell someone else put them through. Like they deserved it or even caused it themselves. That breaks my heart. It's not right.
The world is tough..I get that..but people matter..and nobody should feel unimportant and all alone. It's simply not right..It's not ok. People deserve more. That includes the narcissistic people too... They deserve compassion and help- if they ever actually want it for healthy reasons.
I'm here for people. I'm supporting them. I'm encouraging them. I'm validating their experience through educational information, and by sharing my own messy journey. It's helped many local women, and I'm proud of that. Even if it had only helped one person, I'd be so happy because every single person matters.
I know the articles aren't mine and there are issues with that that links and citing won't correct...but this isn't a website that's earning revenue...and I'm not making it to get attention or convince someone of something..If so, I wouldn't avoid using my ex's name or fail to provide my own information. I made it because recovering from this abuse is extraordinarily difficult.. It is impossible without understanding it for what it is..and understanding it is hard work. Especially when you are still unsure of your reality.. I want to make it as clear and detailed as possible because I know how much denial abused individuals experience.
I'm providing reassurance and logical explanations for the madness that is narcissistic abuse. I'm standing up for myself and for others. I'm trying to help. I am helping..I'm not crazy, at least not in the way my ex wanted me to believe, or in the way my currently shaky state makes me appear to people who don't understand what's actually going on.
Things aren't always that simple.
Someone lashing out doesn't mean they are mean spirited in general.
Someone having a breakdown doesn't mean they are never sturdy.
Someone struggling with trauma recovery doesn't mean they'll never heal, or that they cannot think for themselves.
Someone making poor choices in the past doesn’t mean they haven't learned how to choose more wisely in the present.
...It all just means.. life is diverse, complicated, and beautiful.. And so are people. ALL people.
I know you know this already. You're a smart person. I may not know you, but I can tell that much.
I could lie and say I sent you that message with the web address for purely selfless reasons...Like how I wanted you to have the chance to understand why I freaked out and acted bizarre. While that is true, it's obviously not the only reason I contacted you. I'm a giving person, but sometimes I want something too. I shouldn't have bothered you because of what I wanted or felt would ease my anxiety in the situation I created.
I'm sorry. That was very inconsiderate of me. Sometimes I am selfish needy, and tired.. or I just really want someone to know the truth and to not see me the same ugly way he did.
It'll be alright. :) Anyway. I should've never bothered you at all, so I apologize.
A Repeat
I had a setback recently. I got wrapped up in intense fear and an overwhelming panic. I'm learning how to snap out of it when that pops up. I know I will get there. I need to be able to get out of the funk the resulting shame causes more quickly as well.
Looking over my writings allows me to see that sometimes I temporarily revert back to the state of mind I was in throughout the worst moments during, and immediately following the abusive relationship. Sure, that can get frustrating and embarrassing..but I find solace in how I continue progressing towards a healthier place. No matter how rough things get, I always manage to reground myself and continue pushing myself in a positive direction.
Sometimes seeing this pattern of mine does get tiring and aggravating.. I want things to be orderly at all times already. I want to not get triggered by things that used to not faze me. I want to stop tripping myself up. It can be annoying to look back over my writings throughout this recovery process and see how I build myself up to start standing tall, just to then slip up and fall on my face again..But ya know what..I'm not going to dwell on that negative aspect, because there is so much more to all of this than that. One of the biggest positives being that I have been able to stand back up to begin with!
I can acknowledge that I do screw up and have moments of weakness right after displaying newfound strength.. Although that is very true, I'm choosing to hold onto the positive instead of surrendering and beating myself up over my mistakes and imperfections. Giving up won't get me anywhere good.
Hating myself for screwing up would not prevent future missteps. Doing that would keep me standing still and only lead to a bigger mess! I have no desire to remain stagnant, but I cannot be the best version of myself if I give up on who I am because I'm too caught up in trying to become somebody else. I can't live trying to prove a point..I simply want to live, help others, and be alright.
I refuse to settle for viewing myself as lacking or inadequate. I do have issues. I can be messy and have unstable moments, but I am more than enough. I am deserving of kindness and acceptance just as I am. I am worthwhile, flaws and all. I am a good person, and I still count, even at my lowest. I am not too little or too much..I am just me..and who I am is nothing to be ashamed of.
I've fought hard to get to where I am. It is easy to feel defeated when I fail, but I haven't lost. All I've learned, all the progress I've made, and all the good I've done, it doesn't suddenly vanish and cease to matter the moment I falter/make an ass of myself. All the good is still there. I'm still here. The coping mechanisms I've learned, and the adapting I've done, it is all still present. I simply need to learn more and build on what I already have in order to carry on in the right direction I've been headed for a good while now! 😊
Defenses
Yeh, so on this very page I said I didn't want to live trying to prove a point.. Then I went and provided evidence that I wasn't imagining the abuse due to my mistrust or past trauma. 😬
That proof I felt compelled to provide is the audio recording at the very top of the page, My Abusive Relationship.
I don't know. Does anyone want to be doubted?? I don't think so. But it happens..and I don’t view him doubting my experience as a personal attack.🖤 I know putting myself out there always comes with the risk of rejection and a million other things. This is life! :) It's a messy, unpredictable thing. It's also pretty amazing.
I was trying to share and provide insight if he happened to be curious.. because that is truly why I'd freaked out on him (..the damage from the past that I'm still trying to master functioning properly with..) But with my ex, my freaking out was not due to my past or 'damage'..it was due to what was taking place in the present. Writing that just hurt my head. Ha.
I really didn't think when I provided him with a link to my website that the legitimacy of what I'd experienced would be called into question. That was naïve of me 😅. I sort of expected him to block me or never respond.. I expected the worst, yet didn't expect that he'd think I was imagining the abuse or had made it up. Oops. Ha. Oh well. However, to be fair.. I had been paranoid about him and acted in ways he likely didn't understand, so I'm sure that my odd behavior put some bias in his head. His opinion wasn't illogical or mean. It made sense, I just didn't like it. lol
I wasn't planning on having to explain myself, defend myself, or convince someone of the truth. BUT I’m glad he wasn’t sure and seemed to insinuate I simply have severe trust issues that warped my perception of the abusive relationship..because it showed me a few things!
It showed me:
- That he seems nice, even when he thinks you’re wrong and a little delusional.
- That I’m regaining my ability to stand up for myself and speak my mind about things that offend or hurt me. (No, I didn’t feel like he was attacking me or being cruel. He just happened to be wrong about the situation and misunderstood the point of my website.. But being ignorant about abuse is not uncommon or a strike against someone’s intellect and character. It’s understandable for someone not to get it right away, or ever. At least his mind was open enough to consider it! I really appreciated that. If someone is willing to have an open mind and heart in order to consider other perspectives..that’s an incredible thing. That says a lot about a man. All good things.)
- It also showed me that I CAN take a breather before I respond in the heat of the moment, and that it doesn't have to take a long time for me to become centered again. As long as I am consciously aware of what's happening within myself when I'm upset or triggered, I can realize the horribly intense negative emotions are likely not from the current situation..
I can calm down and think, instead of letting myself stay engulfed in fear or sadness. Sometimes it’s difficult to be that aware during a panic, but I know I’ll figure it out.
If I had not settled myself down before replying to that man the second time.. I'd have not been able to get past my hurt feelings enough to see the bigger picture, both sides. I don't ever want to only see my side, because I'm not the only one who matters. Everyone does. That includes him.
Backing Up
First, let's backup for a second-
I don't like being talked down to.. So when I share a fact about myself, my life, or inform someone of a decision I made..and they immediately question my judgment..it feels rather patronizing. I'm not saying that is the intent he had in the little example below. Not at all! ..But I have the right to my own point of view.. just as he has the right to question it.
EXAMPLE:
The first time he and I really spoke online I informed him I was leaving school until the upcoming fall semester. Leaving school was a very difficult decision, one which I didn't take lightly or want to make. But I know my limits and my current situation better than he does.. I'm completely capable of thinking rationally. (With the exception of when I’m extra triggered-but I’m getting better at it!) I wasn't asking for advice. I was simply sharing what I was doing because he asked when I was graduating.
He was very positive and supportive, which made me feel nice. It was sweet. But he also questioned me in a way that felt a little condescending. Only because he spoke to me like he knew better than me..sort of like I was a child who didn't know what I was doing, and so he was offering his guidance because I needed it? Occupational hazard? HAHAHA I can respect that.
The thing is, I have my own mind..and it works just fine. I know some people simply like to offer guidance because they are fixers and helpers (I do that too!) so it didn't make me mad at him or think he sucked. I think he is incredibly intelligent, and likely used to dealing with people who possibly think a little less. But darlin' I think plenty! :)
Also, nobody always knows best. I'd be happy to be proven wrong, as long as who is showing me my error is doing so respectfully, with good intentions, and while applying sound logic. He had not been given enough information to properly conclude whether or not I was making the correct choice, yet he spoke as if he already knew I’d made the wrong one. I hope I worded that in a way that makes sense.
I needed to take a semester off, so I did. I do appreciate other perspectives, and I'd definitively love to learn all about his. Of course I need input at times..but the words he spoke (typed) came across like he automatically assumed my judgment was less reliable than his. It rubbed me the wrong way. I don't think he was consciously aware of how he was coming across.. but I told him what I was doing, and he immediately questioned my choice.
I have my own mind, and it works. Thanks! lol Hell..I know I'm being a bit prideful..HAHA. Well, yeh..I have some arrogance and pride too..Maybe he and I have that in common when it comes to how we view our wisdom? Maybe not. I dunno, dude never let me learn him. Fine then. Ha. I like a little bit of cockiness. It's ok. (Also, there was this moment early on in the semester that I recall him looking my way as he was saying something like, “You don’t need to use big words to try to sound smart.” I’m not trying to sound smart, I am smart. 😈)
This little irritation didn't dampen the crush and curiosity at all. It just bugged me. Although it felt insulting and annoyed me, I also kind of found it cute.. because I didn't think he was trying to be rude or talk to me like I'm an imbecile...I think he truly thought he had wisdom to impart. He probably does know a lot I don't..but it goes both ways. I'm sure I could teach him a thing or two too!! Nobody knows everything sir! ;)
I am just getting back to trusting my reality. I still experience some severe cognitive dissonance on occasion... but I'm building confidence in myself back up..I'm gaining faith in myself again. So being spoken to like I cannot make my own decisions or possibly possess solid reasoning skills..it simply bothers me.
Then again..being challenged is kind of stimulating too, because I've been deprived of conversing with someone who likes to think for a long time now.. How intelligent he comes across is why I'd been wanting to talk to him so badly for all these months..He also seemed a little different too. I was intrigued. Oh frickn' well. I want to speak to someone with a philosophical, logical, and fascinating mind of their own...But not if the person possessing that mind thinks I lack one. haha. This writing got so off topic. Sorry!.
Ok, so..
Emotional Reactions
If you're someone who has been reading my posts, you know I get in my 'feels' easily. lol When they get hurt..it can be intense. And when something brings me joy..that can also be intense. I have powerful emotions and thought processes, I'm not ashamed of it anymore. Usually.
So.. I wrote something right after that gentleman sent me his response about my website and off behavior.. I was in pain and needed a moment to work through it. That unhappiness has now passed. Letting myself 'go there' and cry a little, vent a lot, feel as strongly as I did without trying to shut it off or shame myself for how I felt...Well, that was serious progress.
Accepting myself and learning to handle my emotions instead of being ashamed of them is such an great thing. I can control how I react and respond..but I cannot control how I feel. And I have every right to feel however I do. Whenever I'm feeling hurt it doesn't mean someone did me wrong or that whatever hurt me was a bad thing..it just means I hurt. I'm not sad anymore, but I was for a moment.
So even if someone else thinks it is silly, or nobody was trying to insult or harm me, my feelings and experiences are still valid, because they are mine. I matter, so how I experience each moment matters too- even if nobody else gets it or approves. I cannot control how I feel, I can only control what I choose to do with those feelings. Emotions don't have to be logical, they just are what they are.
It's as simple as that 🙂, yet as complex as all of this-