Sections: 

• Why His Abuse Hurt the Most
• Distinguishing My Emotions: Anger
• Poor Mirroring & Self-blame
• "Pushing Blame"

Why His Abuse Hurt the Most

My other main relationship took place a little over a decade ago with someone I'll call.. J. He was highly unstable and abusive in every way, BUT the abuse was mostly obvious. There were still elements of gaslighting and all the basic methods that seem built into certain individuals, but J. never had me believing we were going to live happily ever after. 
 

He never tricked me into a false sense of security. He never abandoned me. J. was not well. He did not treat me right, but he 'loved' me the way he knew how. He thought he did. He didn't want me to go. J wasn't capable of healthy love..but he never lied about wanting it. I may have been more like a pet to him, but I was his..He didn't pretend to want me, he did want me. He believed his own mess..

He never tricked me into being with him. Do not get me wrong, he was dangerous and did extreme damage to me. It was an absolutely horrible experience that altered my life. His attacks on my confidence and his unpredictable tantrums had a lasting impact. However, I knew who he was..I knew where I stood with J. I knew what I meant to him, and what he wanted from the relationship. I didn't have much hope for it to become something better than what it was.

With D.B. it was different..

He led me to believe he wanted a healthy, meaningful relationship with potential for a future together. He told me he wouldn't date someone he couldn't see himself marrying. He played his age up, saying at his more mature age he was completely ready for the real deal. 

D.B. presented himself as a sweet, respectable man that I ran into by happenstance. He claimed to be a man who wanted all the same things I had always wanted. He told me that he was ready for a relationship, that he WANTED to be in a relationship with me.
 

He said how thankful he was that he met me, that he was shocked. He acted like he was so excited, and even more ready than I was to enter a serious relationship..But as soon as I agreed and got excited too..he acted disinterested and unimpressed.

Basically, he asked me to take a huge leap of faith with him. He confidently reassured me that we'd land safely together. Then, as soon as I leapt forward, he coldly took a step back and watched me fall. Of course an abuser's logic would be, "Well, she's the one who was stupid enough to jump-She deserved to die-She did it to herself."

With the other(s) I realized I was being mistreated. But with D.B. I didn't understand that he was abusing me. I didn't think he was hurting me on purpose and tricking me for his benefit. I trusted in his version of things. He was hurting me, but had me convinced that I was destroying our relationship and myself.

He behaved in a much more heartless manner than the abusers of my past..He toyed with me.. And he seemed to have felt nothing as he broke apart a good-hearted, devoted and loving woman who was always trying to support him and do her best to never cause him any harm. He treated me like I was a horrible person.

With him, he told stories. 

I believed he was struggling with triggered PTSD after his father's suicide. That is what he told me was going on with him, and why he was so temperamental and distant. I never suspected he was using the tragic passing of his father and my compassion towards his PTSD as a manipulative tool to deceive and mislead me. I never suspected such cruelty and a lack of a conscience. 

He knew I would be patient and understanding, because of all I had shared with him during our phone-date and first date in person that lasted several hours. Knowing what I shared with him during our date is one of the reasons his abuse hurt worse than any other abuse I've dealt with before.

On our first date in person we were already off to an unusual start. I was fine with it. I'm weird, so it being unconventional was easy for me to rationalize and get on board with. Before we had our first date he shared something deeply personal and depressing.

During our date, he shared so much about himself that seemed completely sincere. His openness with me regarding such heavy and personal subject matter made me feel comfortable responding by sharing my own serious and personal issues too.

I had never let myself fully get out in the world or develop close friendships. I had been avoiding men for nearly a decade too.
 

I was used to keeping myself closed off and the deepest truth of who I am unseen to others. I was used to being ashamed of much of myself and my past.
 

Then, I divulged everything to this man because he acted like he wanted to hear it..like he cared and was interested in knowing me. He embraced my past, admired it, and ogled me.
 

I felt like I was at home with him, like I'd known him for my entire life. I felt connected, seen, and wanted. I couldn't believe how hungry he looked for information and closeness with me.

Now, here's one of the hardest parts of this writing. I'm going to have to face a memory that hurts me very badly. What I spoke with him about that night, before we became a couple. It hurts to know that he knew the things he knew, and still had the heart to harm me the way he did..It's heartbreaking that he could even do what he did.

What I shared with him during our first date:

I told him how I kept to myself. I shared how easily my feelings were hurt by hatefulness. He knew I had an extremely tender heart. I told him that I avoided people because I couldn't handle getting crushed anymore.

I told him how long I'd been single. I let him know I hadn't kissed, hugged, or gotten to know a man in over seven years due to my relationship history. He had seen how I jumped away the first time he went to hug me earlier in the evening. He knew I was timid and afraid. I opened up about being abused. 

I shared how much it pained me to be treated like I wasn't a person. I discussed the huge impact it had on my ability to trust and actually put myself out there. I told him about my anxiety and lack of a true social life. I vaguely informed him about the betrayal and hidden past of a different ex- the more recent ex(my son's biological father).

I told D.B. how being blindsided and abruptly abandoned did a number on my ability to trust men..and myself.. How deep down, it made me afraid to hope for anything good.

As D.B. and I continued to both open up and share our life stories back and forth, I shared my opinions regarding what matters in life, and my frustration with the petty things so many people seem to care more about than what I feel brings life meaning.

I told that man the truth of my massive heart, how all I wanted was to be kind to everyone. I let him know how much it pained me to only want the best for people who ended up walking all over me. I had already told him when he asked what my perfect date would be during the previous phone date, that what I wanted more than anything in the world was for a man to be kind to me. 

D.B. knew that all I wanted was to love and be loved in return. He knew that simple kindness was not a simple small thing to me. 

He knew that for a man to be good to me and treat me kindly would have meant the entire world to me. He knew. He knew because I told him, and all of my words were sincere and all my vulnerabilities intentionally raw in order to finally let someone know the real me. I was open, honest, and visible.

He had been provided with all he needed to be able to see me, make an actual connection and build a foundation for what could've developed into a meaningful relationship..

He had all he needed in order to have something incredible, laid out right in front of him. He had the opportunity to see the core of who I truly am, but he failed to see me..All he saw was an opportunity to get something he wanted. His focus wasn't on learning me, relating to me, bonding with me. His focus was elsewhere. It was only on himself.

On that first date I was awestruck. It felt incredible to finally let someone see me, but I wanted to see him too..I wanted to see what we could have together for both of us..not just myself. I wanted to try, learn him, care for him..I wanted to be intimate in more important ways than the physical. I wanted all the incredible things he was claiming to be after.

I felt so fortunate, infatuated, comfortable and happy. He made me believe he saw me, the real me and that he was drawn to who I am. He let me know he admired, appreciated and wanted ME. I believed it. He made me believe it. His smile and eye contact, his reassuring and easily flowing words made it all seem so authentic and amazing. It was not what I expected to happen on a first date, at all. He lied to me. He tricked me. He made me feel safe just so I would blindly follow him into a dangerous situation. And since our relationship's foundation was built on a gross misrepresentation of his intentions and personality, it only got worse from there.

He had my beautiful, pure heart in his hands, and what he chose to do with it was despicable. 

Shortly before the main discard, he had me around his family multiple times. He was talking about our marriage being inevitable. He was telling me he wanted me to be pregnant already. He had me believing he was fully committed, invested in a future with me.. I was happy about the future he kept saying we'd have together. He had my heart, my hopes, my trust.

He had urged me to believe again after I'd been too afraid to dream out loud for years.

He woke up my heart, then swiftly and mercilessly obliterated it. 

I had tried again, trusted, fallen in love for the first time..and it was all a lie and a selfish game for the man I would have done anything for.

I wanted to give him the entire world, and he devastated mine.

I wanted him to be alright more than anything, and he tried to make me feel as horrible as possible. He wanted me broken, he wanted me to hate myself, blame myself.

Once I had been degraded, rejected, blamed, accused, abandoned and hurt repeatedly, he mocked my thoughts of self-harm. He called me names. Poked fun at the mental health crisis he was responsible for creating.

He laughed at the pain and damage that resulted from his abuse, especially when it caused me to start spiraling into a nervous breakdown..He'd ignore me when I'd beg for his presence.

I was lost and terrified, I'd ask for his help. I'd BEG for him, for a simple phone call. I only wanted him to hear me and comfort me..But he'd ignore me for days and/or respond in hateful ways that left me feeling far worse than before-so I'd snap and collapse. 

He'd let me know it was my fault, that I was experiencing such hell simply because I was 'crazy'. He'd say: "That sh*t's all in your head, man." "You need to stop with all this finger pointing!" "I'm not falling for that dramatic bullshit" "Don't try to manipulate me into feeling sorry for you!"

He left me alone in the darkness he created.

He built me a personalized prison, and left me there to rot. 

He looked down on me, mocked me and laughed..

He told me I was fucking crazy, pathetic, selfish, clueless, damaged goods with too much baggage.

I constantly tried to let him know all the wonderful things I could see in him, but all he wanted me to see about myself were the supposed flaws that made me deserving of pain and undeserving of his time.

He wanted to destroy me, I wanted him to thrive.

- If he said he was struggling, I'd offer my support and understanding. 

- If I said I was struggling, he'd shame me and accuse me of shaming him.

I never wanted him to suffer, but he loved when I was in pain. He thought it was funny. He thinks it is my fault for being so clueless in regards to his cruelty behind the scenes.

The pain from all of that—

The pain of having someone you love express their hatred for you more easily than they ever managed to express their care.

The pain of having someone you'd never want to be unhappy, trying to make you as miserable as possible.

The torture of trusting in someone and believing you have what they say you have, just to then have it all ripped away and revealed to have never been there.

To have hoped and looked forward to the future they said they wanted with you, just to then find out they never planned to keep you around..

To know how you were willing to suffer for them, fight for them, and wait patiently for them, but that they happily left and forgot you like you meant nothing.

To know you would be there for someone and accept them no matter what flaws they had or what challenges arose, but that they would push you aside and ruthlessly break you apart in an instant if it would get them to something or someone they perceive as 'better.'

To have truly cared about someone more than you've ever cared before, just to then discover they never cared even the tiniest bit about you.

I thought I had finally found a partner.

I thought someone finally understood, accepted and appreciated me for who I am..but instead I found someone who constantly tried to alter me to be worthy of his time.

He broke my confidence down more and more, while I was busy trying to build his confidence in himself up. 

Awful.. I thought I was finally getting a taste of what it was to be loved back, but I was wrong. He never loved me..not even a little bit.

He thinks I am an embarrassment, a loser, an idiot, a waste of his time. I'm nothing to him, but I openly offered him everything I had because he was everything to me.

He rejected me in the cruelest and harshest way possible..and then he made me feel like it was because I had done something wrong..he told me it was because I had failed him. I wasn't good enough for him. I was too flawed for him.

He showed me that I wasn't worth loving or standing by.

He broke my heart worse than it has ever been broken. 

I thought my life had taken a turn in a new direction when I met him. I thought I had found love with a person who I could relate to and be accepted by.

I thought I was lucky, I cherished him for bringing me something I thought I would never have. 

I had previously thought nobody I loved would love me too.

Part of me was happy, even during the worst of it all, because I finally had someone to give the massive amounts of love I had within me to.

Finally, I could love someone who wouldn't take advantage of me and hurt me like the other two men had.

That's what I thought, because that's who he said he was going to be..He wasn't that man. He was someone who made me wish I were dead. 

I didn't think he was a bad enough person to do what he did to me. I never could see him that way. I always saw something else in him. I saw something strong, complex, and good. I know what he saw in me-nothing.

This abuse was the worst, because of how high he brought me right before he knocked me down.

I’d previously never felt like everything was in place before..

My life never had a true outline or driving force.

But after I'd fallen in love with him, and he'd repeatedly spoken about our future…
 

…I suddenly saw it all.

I saw what I had been too afraid to imagine or hope for in the past.

I saw happiness and love.

I thought I had found where I belonged. I thought I belonged in a life shared with him.

I thought we were going to have children, a little run-down house, an entire life together.

I believed that was going to happen. He kept saying how badly he wanted that with me. I trusted him. 

He kept telling me how shocked he was that he found something like what we had..I didn't realize he was mirroring my gratitude..I thought that his words were truly what he felt and thought..because all of mine were earnest. I saw us the way he painted us. And I loved us. I loved him.

His abuse hurts the most because I drained myself for a relationship he was only pretending to be a part of.

I felt hope for something he never wanted.

I gave my body, mind and spirit over to a man I thought I knew..in the ways that count most. I gave all I had (no matter how badly it hurt) to a lie. 

My heart was full and fighting with unstoppable determination for something that was never there..But his words, his games..all he did to my head and heart made it truly seem like it was there..like it was real. THAT makes his abuse the worst of all. It was disguised.

His love being an act and a trick was the most abusive part of all he did. He nearly destroyed me. I wanted to end my life. He killed me, but I kept breathing. I was empty.

All I ever wanted out of life was to love others, and one day be lucky enough to be loved back by a best friend. I thought he was my friend. I loved him.

I thought all I'd ever wanted and needed was right there in front of me, holding my hand, wanting the same thing.

I thought we had what he always told me we had..And what he told me we had happened to be what I cherished more than anything. I thought someone I truly adored loved me for me. I was wrong.

What I care about more than anything is closeness with someone I can trust and who wants to be close to me just as much. He pretended he wanted me forever.

I thought we had something important and worth fighting for no matter what. I loved him so much, that nothing in the world could've stopped me from being there for him and making us work. But then he left me the moment I let him know I'd always be there for him. He left me worse than alone. He left me completely lost and worn out.
  

When he left me the horrible way he did on his birthday, it felt like a form of shell shock.

I didn't understand.

I didn't want to move.

I didn't want to feel.

I didn't think I should or could get up and do something as simple as talking again.

I laid in bed for days.

I didn't eat.

I didn't brush my hair.

I didn't feed my kid or interact with him. (Don't worry, someone was around to hang out with him, and prepare food..Thank God)

At times I would have a nearly silent cry that got so uncontrollable that I'd struggle to catch my breath. It was absolutely..It was something I cannot truly describe.

I was gone. I didn't feel the way I used to, I didn't trust my thoughts or think many coherent ones.

I felt like I had an entire ton of weight sitting on my chest and head, but it wouldn't crush me to death. I felt crushed and like I couldn't move, but nothing was there and I was still alive. I didn't want to be.

I'd have tiny moments..tiny foggy moments when I remembered my son and baby that I thought might be there..but in those brief moments I would get so deeply ashamed of being so broken and neglectful that I would spiral right back down into the hell I had started coming out of.

It was the worst experience of my life. That is not an over exaggeration or pure 'drama' in the demeaning way he says it. It was dramatic, for good reason. His heartless cruelty and narcissistic abuse had a dramatic impact on my life. It almost ended it.. I hadn't felt that low in well over a decade, but he then acted like I was always depressed and unbalanced. I was happy when he and I met. He broke me down.

I never thought someone could do what he did to my heart. I never thought he'd do what he did to me. And he kept coming back to do it over and over again. That's why it was the worst.

I trusted him with my entire heart.
 

I had kept my heart to myself for a very long time, then he shamed, shattered, and abandoned it.

He was the most hateful of all, and he broke my heart and soul in ways I didn't think a partner ever would.

After he did it..After I realized what had happened(kind of) I started wondering what I had done to make him hate me so much.

I started trying to understand how I missed it, how I deserved it.

I started thinking about how it had to be my fault and that I was horribly flawed beyond repair because I was stupid enough to have another abusive boyfriend.

I started hating myself with such intensity.

His voice was in my head and it sounded so much like my inner critic from childhood, that I believed it much more easily.

When I think of how much he wants me to hurt, and of how little he thinks of me..it is something else, because I still don't hate him or want him to hurt. I can't. He’s gone, but he’s still hurting me.

I'm finding positive lessons and strength in all of this..but sometimes I have to sit down and let myself cry, because it will always hurt.

I trusted him. I thought I knew what we were. I believed what he said we were. We were nothing, he thinks I am nothing.

That is a pain that I won't forget, even when I finally move past it. 

You don't forget something like this. Being hurt on such a personal level, it sticks with you.

He knew I had a good heart, he didn't care. He hated it. He hates me.

His abuse was the worst.
 

It hurt me the most because it was the cruelest and most unexpected. It also hurt the most, because I let myself love him the most.
 

Distinguishing My Emotions: Anger

Within any type of recovery there are bound to be some days that are rougher than others. I had one of those days recently. Leading up to this minor setback, I was doing alright, feeling confident and ready to take on the world again.
 

Then, I saw him. I felt fine about it at first. I was thrilled by how I nearly felt numb the moment I saw his face. I was ecstatic that I didn't feel heartbroken, afraid, ashamed. Feeling less pain caused me not to take notice of what was actually going on.    

That man manipulated me, used me, messed with my stability, and destroyed my sense of trust. The damage his abuse caused nearly led to me taking my own life last year. 

It took a significant amount of damage and trauma to get me to such a point. I didn't just randomly get that low because I'm 'crazy' and had too much 'baggage.' That was his convenient and heartless way to shift blame for his bad choices onto the person his actions severely harmed. (AKA-Victim blaming, abuse justification, and minimization.) 

The horrid mental state that led to my suicidal ideation was directly related to how I was mistreated and psychologically dismantled by someone I trusted. 

That intense pain from our relationship is why feeling grossed out when I saw him the other day was a fabulously refreshing thing. It was empowering to go from feeling hopeless and tortured, to nearly unfazed by the man who had inflicted me with such an all-consuming misery. 

I didn't understand that I was feeling repulsed by the sight of him because I was furious with how horrifically he wronged me. My fury was the consequence of not just one incident, but the entire relationship- the discards, the hoovers, the lies, the put-downs, the everything.. He wronged me in such a disgustingly inhumane way..Of course I felt angry.  

I find it strange that I didn't initially realize I was angry when I saw him though. I probably didn't allow myself to acknowledge the anger because guilt is always the most prominent of my emotions.

Poor Mirroring & Self-blame

I grew up thinking I messed everything up, and that I'd always fail to be good enough. Then, I ended up dating men who treated me like that nonsense was true..I sought out partners that confirmed my worst fears (misconceptions), that I was indeed not good enough, and that I was a burden they had to put up with. 

I worked tirelessly to heal and strengthen myself from all the damage caused by false, negative messages fed to me since some of my earliest memories.

I had found some ways to cope, and change my outlook on life. I had to change my view of myself more than anything else. I determined who I was by the way I had been responded to and criticized. So, just like my abusive ex D.B., I received a faulty, incomplete reflection of myself.. My 'self' was formed only slightly more than his, but it was equally unstable, bruised, and fused with a tainted core belief system. 

My self-awareness is also impaired on certain levels.. Unfortunately, his is much harder to improve upon because he has defensive mechanisms that are fundamentally much more hostile and prideful. I wish I could make it possible for him, but I can’t. That’s on him..so far he chooses pain, anger and denial. He won’t look at what’s there. If he can’t see it..how can he make it better? This is a sad thing..Moving back to my point, and focusing on my ‘self’ instead of his—

I previously believed I was all of the things I'd been told I was: unworthy, messy, incompetent, crazy, stupid, and hopeless. With the assistance of professionals, I discovered I was simply suffering the long-term effects of being the scapegoat for psychologically abusive individuals I trusted. I was molded to be the target of blame, the identified problem, the tool used by others' to perfect their deflection, and an emotional outlet for their rage and denial.

However, none of the issues this mistreatment caused, made me any of the horrible, broken things I'd always been told I was. I discovered my self-image was painful, unstable and negative because that is what I'd always been told..It was a lie. 

I was reflecting the ugliness all around me, not myself. I wasn’t the dark negativity, I was someone surrounded by it. If that is all you’ve ever seen, if the ugly version of yourself is what you were shown since the start..it is difficult to rewire all you thought you knew..But that’s the only way to wake up and see the truth. 

The truth is, that who I am is not something ugly, defective, bad, and worthless. The people who told me who I was couldn’t see me, so I am having to cancel out the false narrative imposed on my life, and see and decide on who I am on my own.
 

My understanding of this was useless when I met D.B. I still hadn’t fully formed trust in myself yet.. So although I had finally been able to discover I wasn’t a bad person, my lack of complete trust in my capabilities and value made me extremely vulnerable to reverting back to blaming myself, shaming myself, and doubting my abilities.

Pushing Blame

He says he misses killing (he’s a war veteran-I think..I don't know what he told the truth about anymore)..but he is still killing people. He is just doing in a way that is legal and harder to notice.

He tries to destroy people. He lives to break people down into nothing. Now the deaths he causes are not justified or beneficial, they’re pointless casualties. He’s committing evils.

During one of his hoover/discards, he told me to stop pointing at him, and to take a look in the mirror.
 

Oh sweet man, my problem is looking in the mirror too much and seeing myself as all the ugly things you and other abusive people have told me I am. You are wrong, and you are right. I do need to focus on myself more, I do have issues to address..BUT pointing at you was needed to heal, because it was reversing some of the damage and confusion caused by you constantly pointing at me and blaming me for EVERYTHING. I do not point at him to be mean (usually) or to deflect attention from my own faults.
 

I point at him, to remind myself where all that blame he placed on me actually belongs. I'm trying to stop blaming myself, because I don't need him to accept responsibility, in order for me to know he is responsible for abusing and harming me the way that he did. There is no excuse. No blame on me for what he chose to do. My past, my issues, my mistakes are not to blame. He chose to abuse me.

He is at fault for that choice and its highly destructive consequences.
 

If I had been pushed over the edge and actually ended myself last year at my lowest point, he'd be equivalent to a murderer- even if nobody else ever knew.
 

I focus on his problems a lot of the time, because I am imperfect and find it easier, and because I am trying to fully accept reality of his wrongs that he kept hidden by always weighing me down with the blame that never should have been placed on me. I focus on his issues and wrongs, because it helps me understand why this whole thing was so severe.
 

Recognizing his legitimate issues, helps me recognize mine which allowed me to miss the red flags, and forgive the wrongs he kept committing against me. I also focus on him because I care.
 

Without my past and issues, he would've never been able to exploit me. My weaknesses did him a favor.
 

The type of relationship dynamic he goes for is an abusive, controlling and selfish one..so he is going to prey on people who have likely already been primed by previous abuse, earlier traumas or mental health issues. I was vulnerable. I had a massive blind spot and had already been broken down and in many times before.. Thus, he who likes to expend as little energy and effort as possible honed in on the ideal candidate when he pursued me.
 

He can blame me all he wants, but I didn't do what he did to me.. Me being able to be exploited doesn't mean I exploited myself. What is means in reality is that he took advantage of me. If someone can be stolen from and so you choose to steal from them, you still committed the crime against them..they didn't do it to themselves..they weren't asking for it. Believing a victim of any wrong committed against them is responsible for being wronged, is a method for the perpetrator to be a victim-blaming predator justifying his evils to feel more powerful and righteous in doing wrongs..even though reality is the opposite.
 

The 'truth' of an abuser who thinks their abuse is not abuse or wrong, is not truth. That 'truth' of theirs is denial. This denial is a way for an abuser to give themselves a free pass to do unthinkable things they have no right to be doing to others. 
 

In doing so, an abuser rearranges the entire world, all of reality to suit themselves..but the world and reality do not actually shift to align with his delusions..Thus, all that happens is he winds up hurting people and becoming increasingly frustrated that he is failing to be where he feels he is supposed to be.
 

He will NEVER get to where he should be, because he is not grounded in truth and real life..he is grounded in self defense, anger, and disgust with everyone else for not reflecting to him who he thinks he is.
 

Abusers in general do not know who they are, they are too busy focusing on what you are not. It is easier to hate others when you blame them for why you feel the horrible ways you do..but when the blame doesn't truly belong on others, you'll just keep running around in circles pointing and hating because the real answer to all your problems is the one thing you refuse to look at. If an abuser cannot realize they are the problem, not the world, they will never view the people they victimize as victims. They will view them as fools, challengers who dared to disrespect and fail them by being yet another obstacle.
 

It's a shame that we, the people they unjustly harmed, are able to discover ourselves, grow and recover..but the abusers refuse and seem incapable of doing the same..The just keep hating, blaming, and running away from people because people's painful reactions show them the truth of who they are. 
 

My reactions to D.B. showed him the real reality of who he's currently being- a horrible man.
 

If you do that-