Hoover 5
07/11/2021
Hoover 5
7/2/2021ā7/22/2021
This is why you say no to drugs (narcissistic exes) ladies. š I'm just thankful for not getting devastated this time. The pattern was nothing new. I expected to be played and left. I strongly advise maintaining No-Contact y'all. If not, please do your best to be prepared for the madness. It'll look something like this pageā
I asked him not to run off or let me push him away if he loved me..Whereād he go? Ouch. I'll be fine again, I just need a minute to process my poor choices, weaknesses and the painful abandonment I set myself up for.
Iād been doing better. Iād worked so hard to heal some and begin hurting less! Dang it...Let me get myself back up off the ground again. At least this time I didnāt fall down quite as hard. š¤
Sections:
- Intro
- Summary of Hoover 5* (Reactive Abuse/Cognitive Dissonance)
- Two Possibilities š
- Nearly 200 Text Messages š¬
- Slideshow of Trigger-Catalystš„ ā
Related Articles:
Abuse Recovery Triggers & Handling Them*
This will not be a pretty view of me. I will not come across strong, gracious selfless or blameless..because I wasnāt. Iām not proud of some of my recent behavior. I will forgive myself and move forward, but first I have to own up to what I did and what I seem to have fallen for.
I wouldāve stopped once I found some peace of mind. I needed him to talk to me to get that. A telephone conversation after my 'break' would have eased the tension I was feeling. Why didn't he want to talk to me? See me? I needed some help. Loving someone who doesn't love you is a very hard thing to accept and move past.
I understand that I should be able to handle the world and situations like this on my own, but I am not going to lie and say I don't wish I had someone to turn to for acceptance and comfort. It would be really nice to have that. I want that type of love too badly. I can do this alone, but apparently I didn't want to have to. I wanted my partner. Him. It'll all be ok. Always is, one way or another.
I was so scared to trust and try with a man again when I met D.B., and each time he cut me down, broke my heart and abandoned me, that fear and distrust grew until it took me over. My biggest insecurities, fears, and traumas..his abuse and inability to stand by me made it all worse than ever before. Those walls I knocked down for him built themselves up higher and thicker. Yet, when he comes back I expect him to make it all better and to help me clean up the ugly mess his cruelty made.
I was so scared to trust and try with a man again when I met D.B., and each time he cut me down, broke my heart and abandoned me, that fear and distrust grew until it took me over. My biggest insecurities, fears, and traumas..his abuse and inability to stand by me made it all worse than ever before. Those walls I knocked down for him built themselves up higher and thicker. Yet, when he comes back I expect him to make it all better and to help me clean up the ugly mess his cruelty made.
He sees the mess and he walks out on me again, as though I wronged him by being broken down and scarred by what he did. It makes me feel he still thinks I am not good enough or worth his time. I have wronged him some, but Iām still worth loving. I just wanted his help. I know that was stupid, but thatās all I wanted. Some help, some support. To know I was safe, that it was ok. That he was here to stay.
I wanted unconditional love from someone instead of only for someone. Oops..again. š¤¦š»āāļø
Why are my expectations for him so unrealistic, why do I keep hoping heāll prove me wrong? Am I just as narcissistic as he is now? How could I be so ugly to him? Whatās wrong with me? I donāt want to be mean. I donāt want to give up on him. Iām being an imbecile. I hate being disoriented by such severe confusion and fear. Hate it. Itās miserable and lonely.
Why are my expectations for him so unrealistic, why do I keep hoping heāll prove me wrong? Am I just as narcissistic as he is now? How could I be so ugly to him? Whatās wrong with me? I donāt want to be mean. I donāt want to give up on him. Iām being an imbecile. I hate being disoriented by such severe confusion and fear. Hate it. Itās miserable and lonely.
I tried my best not to feel āin loveā when he returned, but after he stuck around past his birthday and then stayed and forgave me when I lost emotional control, all of those feelings of devotion came rushing back full force.
My heart wouldnāt cooperate, my mind wouldnāt shut off, and my mouth failed to keep quiet. Now heās gone when all I want is one of his damn hugs. Iāve been rejected again, he quit. I hate denial, my failures and this familiar hurt, not him.
Hereās more of the ugly and embarrassing truthā
Summary of Hoover 5
I unblocked his phone number a week or two prior to his birthday. Because, I missed him and I was hurting about the time of year.
He texted me at 2:17 am on Friday, July 2nd. He told me some concerning news and that he loved me all within the first text. From then on out, he kept being shockingly patient and talkative with me. I was impressed. I felt proud of him and confused..but also happy.
There is always a massive mix of emotions when he first comes back. They never get a chance to truly settle because he leaves when I go into my predictable major emotional crisis..when I need and want him the most. I can imagine why he wants no part of that. And I fear he only comes back to poke at me and laugh. I fear a lot of things these days. But I know Iād be there for him if he was going through the same thing. Canāt be there for someone when heās gone.
When he first texted I didnāt believe him and his heartbreaking stories fully, but I didnāt care because I was so happy to hear from him. I was relieved and felt instant comfort.
When communication got just a tiny bit less consistent a few days in, I began to get anxious and depressed. It was only a very subtle shift, nothing bad done by him..but it was enough to really spook me anyway. I told him exactly what was going on in my head. I explained myself the best I could just as I had always done in the past. I told him I didnāt trust him and that I couldnāt handle if he was just playing me to hurt me more on his birthday again..because the way he discarded me on his birthday last year really did a number on me. I was full of so much fear and anxiety over it( but still stupidly wanted to stay in touch with him)that I told him I was going to block him temporarily until his birthday had passed..that way my anxiety and stress wouldnāt give me a nervous breakdown. The thing is, he respected that. Or so it seemed
When I returned about three days later, he did something heād NEVER done before..he had stayed for me. He had not run off because I had negative emotions and shared the struggle the abuse was still causing me. He was still there! I could not believe it! I finally felt cared for, slightly safer, and grateful. I cried happy tears and had manic energy over it..it was that huge of a deal to me. It worked, I began to hope yet again..not fully but enough to recognize that want was there in me again.
So..Then I thought surely now that he knew heād got me and still has power over me he would lash out and leave me behind again. Surely..he would hurt me any minute now. I kept waiting and waiting on edge for the other foot to drop, for a bomb to go off, for him to vanish without warning and delete me from his world like I was nothing all over again. I kept trying not to let it get me down. I actually felt pretty positive, silly and flirty. I shoved my pain and fear right back down where I was used to stashing all my negative emotions from before.
I was happy and trying, but still waiting..just waiting for the betrayal and heartbreak I always get from him. But it didn't come when it usually does. I started to think that maybe it wasn't going to come..maybe he meant everything good he said..and then I started to get angry with myself for being idiotic enough to hope that way. My head and heart wouldn't stop flipping back and forth. I tried to keep my mind on the side where I felt I might be loved by the man I love. I was trying to distract myself and hold on waiting for certainty so I could breathe easy.
When the texts and communication shifted to less and it took hours for him to respond I decided to just be my goofy self and send texts and Gifs lightheartedly asking for attention. I will include those later, they were silly with no negative energy-I assure you. I was still hopeful and just wanted to have fun being my damn self(He then shamed me for doing so..for being me.) He eventually responded but he did so by saying āGood to see you still talk to yourself when I donāt answer my phone because Iām asleepā And then he said āThatās what I get for taking a nap I guessā. The worst part was when I confronted him with how it came across as a passive aggressive jab..he flat out denied it. Like I was just imagining it and had hurt feelings for no reason. Gaslighting alarms went off. I LOST MY SH*T with the passive aggressive, negative self-victimizing, subtle shaming, and finger pointy crap. Iām not trying to insult him, I self-victimize sometimes too! The thing is I wouldāve forgiven him and kept trying if he wouldāve just owned his misstep and apologized for the small rude remark..but he denied it..twisted it(thatās manipulation). Oh, and didnāt say sorry for putting me down. I LOST IT! I imagined him doing this (hoovering) just for fun and to āwin.ā I suspected he just wanted me to believe in him so he could enjoy making me crash by popping the bubble as soon as I started floating away. I got so hurt and upset with these kind of thoughts. But I still didnāt want to believe they were correct. I started ranting at his phone via text and two odd voicemails
And guess what..HE STAYED. He forgave me and talked it out with me. Sure he didnāt call to do it like I had asked and wanted..but we texted for several minutes and had an incredible conversation that made me feel closer to him. I knew he had stuff going on, so it meant so much to me for him to stay, yet again! I was so happy..even though I knew he had lied about the passive aggressive insult and deflected/redirected..I still hoped he was trying. I felt he was trying. Thus, I got amazing sleep that night. I was pacified once more. I had really happy dreams about us. I wanted to see him and be held by him SO BADLY. It was starting to make my body hurt.
So then the next day arrived and I sent a funny flirty wake up text. He responded quickly and was polite to me and wished me a good day after telling me how crappy a day he was having. I was hurting for him, worried about him and wanting to help. I was not discontent or freaking out yet. This was at noon.
Well..after 6+ hours passed and he still hadnāt responded to me....My mind started to transition back and forth in a miserable type of panic and hopeful denial. I started obsessing over a few little things he said like a small passive aggressive remark, the seemingly passive aggressive first couple of texts he sent when I first returned from my ābreakā, the past, the uneasy feeling in my gut...I couldnāt get rid of it. I wanted the uneasy feeling gone, but not him. š¤·š»āāļø Exhausting
Even with all of that turmoil going inside of my mind, I didnāt want to be selfish and assume the worst..I mean, what if he was really trying and really having such a hard time and I selfishly was pushing for too much and hurting him..when I started to think that way something clicked and I felt shaken to the core. Hoping and denying felt impossible when in that moment I started to feel a very familiar and horrible way. I recalled how I always felt guilty for hurting and needing things as simple as texts and an occasional phone call from my boyfriend. I got absolutely disgusted with myself for being so stupid and for still loving him and wanting him to be alright more than I wanted myself be alright. I tried to calm down and consider his point of view and what I could be misunderstanding or doing wrong.I was ok with talking it through, compromising, apologizing and learning how he thinks and operates. I was once again, very honest in my messages before my rapidly approaching freak out.
I felt ashamed of myself for trying, ashamed of myself for wanting to believe and ashamed of myself for not believing all at the same time. I felt I knew I was being played, but that what if I was wrong..I felt I should give him a chance to show me I am wrong in suspecting bad things.
As the hours of silence carried on I became more forceful in my messages. I started feeling increasingly negative, suspicious, hurt, ashamed, angry and sad. I didnāt know what to do. I thought about saying goodbye, I typed a few things up that were kind goodbyes..but my heart didnāt want to say goodbye. so I saved those as drafts and continued losing grip.
My mind kept racing and my emotions swinging back and forth. I wanted something to steady me and help me breathe more easily. I wanted him and a chat on the phone. Thatās it. Then the more I thought about how upset I was, and how guilty I felt for being upset, it kept progressively getting harder and harder to claw my way back up to a calm stable state of mind. I began to spiral out of control.
Suddenly I felt attacked, used, tricked and stupid. I felt terrified and desperate to avoid getting squashed again..so I squashed him instead. When a moment would pass after a rapid fire of text messages or I left a heated voicemail.. I would realize how ugly and insane I was acting and I would get embarrassed , ashamed of myself, and then deeply worried about him. What if I had hurt him?..what if he needed me and I just hurt him and selfishly needed to rely on him to feel ok and to settle down and trust again. What about him? Why was I worrying about me instead of him!? He had already said he was having a horrible day and time. I felt disgusted with myself.
I felt undeserving even if by some miracle my fears were wrong about him. I felt stupid, cruel, crazy, selfish and guilty. I didnāt want to hurt him, but I didnāt want to hurt either.
Moments would pass in which a huge surge of energy hit me and Iād rapid fire away ..just pushing and pushing and rambling on and on about my fear, justifications, regret and distrust. My defiance got harsher and my assumptions about his intentions darker. Around and around I went until I exhausted myself many hours later. Literally exhausted myself. I am still exhausted and wanting the same things I told him I wanted on the first day he returned
After hours of that hell, I finally felt..better? I felt more sure of myself, I felt kind of hyper and almost happy. Like I had gotten something out of system, something that had been pent up and had just bursted out with no restraints. That made me upset with myself. Maybe I have become a cold, selfish monster. Or maybe this emotional hell is exactly what he wants me in.. I knew if he had done the same I would forgive him and hug him within a minute..but I also know he is not me. I thought he would just condemn me for what I had done and leave me behind ,yet again. So I spoke about it over and over through rambling texts I knew he'd never care enough to read. I spoke to him in those texts and voicemails as if I were certain so I could brace myself and it would hurt less when my worst fear happened all over again.
I bucked back like a wild bronco. lol..funny but not funny. I fought, pushed and ran around and around..sickly hoping heād still see me behind all my defenses and still love me. I wanted proof that he loved me like he always comes back claiming he does. I wanted proof so I could finally feel safe and sure. Living afraid is just too painful.. but I was willing to do it and hold out hope it would slowly transition into something better and healthier between us.
I knew. But when he comes back I just want him to hold me. It makes no sense, but I just wanted things even..not āevenā as in wanting revenge. No, gross-not that. I donāt want to hurt him at all. I mean āevenā as in.. I forgave such big bad things heās said and done and I wanted to know it would go both ways.. I wanted to know and have proof the unconditional love and long suffering was reciprocated and that I wasnāt all alone in this thing with him again.
I will edit this and make more sense soon. I need a break, I can feel my heart racing. I need to calm myself down. I shouldāve done that in the first place and just accepted he didnāt care or want me after he never responded to me. I should have just waited it out in silence and by the next morning maybe I would have known he didnāt care and I would have been able to go out with some dignity..but I didnāt. I gave in and gave up when I felt thatās what he had done or was about to do. So..thereās that
No matter what mistakes Iāve made..I am worth the trouble, the effort and the patience..I know that much. I also know if he cared heād fight just as hard as I have. Heās supposed to be stronger, even if I shouldnāt have tried to get him to help lift me up and stabilize me. I really have to stop asking for his help and for him to prove himself/ If he wanted to, he would. Denial is so rude yāall...As is recovering and wanting the person who hurt you to help you get better again. But I just do. I want a hug from him so bad right now. What the hell.. He could be my hero so easily, with such a basic thing-being present. Oh, and a hug. Maybe he knows that, and that is why heās gone. Maybe he only wanted me to hurt some more. Like I havenāt hurt enough already. Man. I donāt want to believe he wants me to suffer still. I will wake up eventually. He said to watch his actions, letās see what they show me once I settle back down and clear the fog. My heart feels sick.
If he would rather be angry, prideful and negative than enjoy my friendly company and touch me, that's on him. If being in control and 'winning' is more pleasurable and important to him than spending time with someone he's lucky still wants him around in the first place, then it is obvious to all sane individuals that he ālostā.š„š
Here are the two main possibilities, in my opinion:
Side note- I am not writing this out of anger, I don't hate the man even if none, one, or both of these turn out to be close to the truthāthis is merely a more technical analyzation of the situation, instead of an emotional one)
1. Either he cares in his own way and honestly misses the depth of some of the mindf*ckery he does/did, so when I react defensively he gets highly defensive and runs off thinking I am too difficult, too crazy, too intense and have attacked him for no good reason. He feels completely blameless and victimized by the situation and by the fact that he failed to get what he wanted or felt he deserved out of it. He feels he just can't catch a break, and that I was selfish and insensitive to his needs and troubles..That my actions are only adding to all the other bad things constantly happening 'to him.' He feels misunderstood, attacked and hopeless- much like how I feel sometimes. He feels it isn't worth the trouble because I shouldn't have been horrible enough to cause a problem in the first place. He feels he was trying and it was I who let him down..just like he thinks the rest of his life has. He feels sorry for himself and angry at me for his own discomfort. He is so angry, that everything is my fault.. So he concludes if he runs his problem is solved.(avoidance and projection) He feels he did what was right and justified, and best but I was just too flawed to appreciate him the way I should have.(By never disagreeing, needing, failing, or disapproving) He thinks 'I don't have to put up with this!' But he also thinks I should have to put up with anything from him..because he knows he was trying his best..one day at a time. He let me know it wouldn't be perfect, that he was f*cked up, that he was scared of commitment, and that he was really stressed and busy with depressing serious issues. (**AKA- the perfect set up for me to not be able to expect anything from him, request anything from him, or put myself first and receive instead of only giving. The same set up our relationship has always had. He always made sure to have the perfect excuse to give nothing, and the perfect story to make me seem like the selfish jerk if I wanted anything.**)My post Decoding His Words touched on this dynamic a lot..but I was raging during that post. :P
OR
2. He is doing it all on purpose, and gets annoyed and infuriated when I call him out on it. Which leads to him leaving as soon as I fight back and he observes that he can't trick(control) me and my perception of him as well as he wants/needs to. He gets entertained and validated by convincing himself he is too good for me. AKA..he truly has impenetrable narcissistic defenses and sadistic inclinations. He enjoys seeing me lose it, because him staying calm and detached makes him feel like he is awesome. He gets pride from seeing what he can make such a 'silly b*tch' do, because he's leaning more towards severe sociopathy and disorder.
Nearly 200
Text Messages..
Just because it seems obvious he was gaslighting me and provoking reactions does not mean I want to believe that's the truth of the situation, or of his character.
I started blowing up his phone and panicking after waiting nine hours for a response to my text. It felt like old times when heād ghost me for entire days or weeks..I was slipping back into a disgustingly familiar discomfort, confusion, and pain.
First, hereās one of the last texts I sent before becoming fully triggered..after waiting over six hours for a response from the man who knows he used to torture me/ break my heart with stonewalling.. Which was the most painful thing while we dated! It was always complete hell-
Texts BEFORE the Panic:
The text:
āThis is long, but it going in a positive productive direction. :) to me it does. Kind of funny too. See, I said I had negative feelings without insulting or blaming you. eh? Me feeling bad or ignored does NOT mean I am accusing you of intentionally ignoring me or being a butt..it just means I may be misinterpreting things and being guided by fear. But I can only get clarity when you sir speak to me about little things that pop up. :) Weeeeeee. Otherwise, I have nothing to go on but my bad feelings and past experiences. This is when a short and pleasant conversation would be extremely beneficial and easy. Ya know? Wink wink- I'm only telling you this because I want to speak to you as if you are genuinely trying and do care. If you don't and you just want to chat sometimes that's cool too, if I know about it haha. I don't want to just assume you are messing with my head and being mean. That's some stressful shit for both of us right? I want to believe lol. I kind of do, or else I'd just shut up and give up wouldn't I? š¤
I get that you have stuff going on babe. Yes sir I do! And you know my a** cares, I doooo, because I care about you. You know you always had wonderfully sad/solid reasons to ignore me for days and weeks in the past. So..to know this is indeed not going to be like the past(obviously sometimes it will be a little like the past because neither one of us can be 100-% out of old habits already. That's be an unrealistic expectation in my opinion) ..I need to communicate with you, not AT you. But I cannot communicate WITH you if you don't call or respond. I talk to myself because I need to talk..I have a lot of thoughts and emotion..so I'm not ashamed of this rambling habit..just when I get mean with it , I don't approve of being mean to you no matter what the circumstance. So Mr., I hope you call tonight.
How you handled my strong emotional reaction and rude behavior last night meant the world to me. I am not strongly triggered right now. But you know I feel kind of bad and insecure right now and need to talk because I am telling you how I feel in an honest manner , so I hope you care and you do reach out to me when you get a moment this evening. I hope you have been truthful this whole time, and that you've been sleeping for hours and finally gotten that break! I do want you to be ok, rested, content and pleased. I want that, but I am trying not to ignore my wants too again. That's all.
It is harder than it may seem since I ramble about feelings..but I swear it is not easy for me. It is scary because each time I do it I know I could lose you or potentially cause you distress. Do you know how messed up it is that I care more about your distress than mine? It is odd that I feel guilty for feeling and that I start to panic at the idea of causing you any harm. I'm still mad at myself for last night haha. Ugh. Not blaming you for that, just sharing babe. I hope you understand, if not and you just get really mad at me..I still won't be mad at you. I'm done with that and begging you to understand. You are smart, if you want to understand you will. If you want to talk, you will. I get that now.
I feel like I get you..I am really trying. I want to understand how things come across to you, how you feel or think so I can be considerate and work with you. But the only way I can understand is for you to teach me more about you and guide me so we can meet in the middle. I want to talk all the time, you don't and likely cannot. That is ok! sooo I won't expect you to talk all day everyday and I will be work on breathing techniques to calm down when I spazz out. See? I am trying and more than willing. I hope to hear from you. š We don't have to talk about much serious at all, I just would love to chat with you, hear you talk and whatnot. I havenāt heard your voice in over a week and Dā-, I really like to hear from you. I like to hear how you think and sh*t..I just do.ā
āHours later I would end up blowing up his phone well into the early hours of the morning. Probably just like he wanted me to...Oops. š¤¦š»āāļøš
āHours later I would end up blowing up his phone well into the early hours of the morning. Probably just like he wanted me to...Oops. š¤¦š»āāļøš
(If you want to see that hot mess of a break down, please message me and I will send you all 100+ texts I sent to him.)
Texts DURING the Panic
These are some of my massive texts (all fused together) that I sent towards the end of my explosion...after waiting around 12+ hours for a response.
Oops. Hey, at least in my most shameful, bizarre moments..I still have some valid points, concerns, and love for the guy. I tried.. I'm trying.]
THE EMOTIONALLY CHARGED TEXTS..
The Texts:
"What I want and wish for myself during my pity pary..
I want you to want to talk to me and want to be by me so badly that you come over and we finally touch again. I want you to forgive me for anything I have misunderstood and for anything I've done that made you angry. I want you to think I am worth everything just like I think you are worth it all. I want you to see me as someone worth going through hell for, because I'd go through hell for you. I want you to prove all my fears are unnecessary. I want you to see me and my heart clearly enough to hold onto me. I want to not feel like I was just played. I want to feel loved by the man I love. I want to have someone to talk to.. and I want that someone to be you. I want for what I want to matter. I want to feel safe and accepted. I want to know what you feel. I want my mind to be stable again, and I want to be able to count on you when I'm in my weakest state. I want you to be ok. I want you to be happy. I want you to be with me for real. I want this list not to seem like an impossibility.
In case I never get a chance to speak to you again, I have one last thing to share. It is a long 'rant' but it is not angry or mean. Maybe you will read it. I really don't know.
I understand that I blew up. But I don't deserve to be stonewalled no matter what stupid thing I've done. Baby, I know you probably do not care..but I forgave you many rather disgusting things and still want you at this very moment..I deserve the same kind of loyalty and desire from you. How you acted this time was too good to be true, but I still started hoping it was. I don't know why you do the things you do..but I know I wanted to learn and figure all of this out with you. I know what I was after was to trust you and feel cared for. I know you ignoring me isn't the worst thing in the world a person could do..but I know you know how bad it hurts me..and it seems you just do not care. That hurts, but it is my fault. It is my fault because I knew this would end with you leaving and hurting me..and I told myself it was ok and that I didn't care because I missed you and would basically take what I could get. After you were still here after your birthday and you forgave my outburst I REALLY started to believe again, and hope again. But then the all day silence commenced.. and the 4-8 hours wait for responses to texts the day before and today. I got scared and felt a familiar pain.
And the painful memories rushed back over me. The being ignored and stonewalled over and over from the past. It hurt so horribly each time, and today when it felt like that was what you were doing it hurt just as bad and took me right back there again. I wanted you to save me from that place. I wanted you to grab me and shake me out of it by showing me I was not there anymore..that it was different from that. I was hoping in a twisted way that you would show me no matter how hard I bucked back, you'd still be here and care about..and want me the way I want you. I guess I thought it would prove to me I was truly safe and could trust you more and start reconsidering all I thought I knew about 'us' in a good way/ I was hoping and thinking all my worst fears were wrong and just left over from the pain before.
I was hoping you'd show me you could see me through all the bullsh*t I was throwing up to block out potential hurt..the way I thought I could see the real you behind all of your bullshit too. Did I imagine I saw you? Or are you really there..Is it wishful delusional thinking, or is a lot of the good I see in you real? Do you not love or want me at all? Are you capable of unconditional love, or do you hate me the moment I fall and make an as* of myself?..I don't know D___. I don't want to be unfair. I want a chance to say sorry and talk to you and smile and watch movies and kiss. But if you don't want that at all, I just wish I wouldn't feel like you did. I wish you didn't think I was pathetic, crazy and not worth your time. I wish you could see the best parts of me, and understand that those parts make my bad difficult parts worth cutting through. I see the good you do, and I see the bad too..The thing is baby, that the bad you've done or will do NEVER makes me forget or want to abandon all that beautiful good. I suppose because I love you unconditionally sir. I guess that is stupid and 'pathetic' of me..but it is what it is.
I wish you could love me that way too. I'm sorry for behaving oddly and being narcissistic as well. I know even if you ignored me on purpose, me being reactive did no good and was possibly hateful. I'm so very sorry. But I'm really sad that is all it takes to lose you. You know the only way you ever really lose me is for you to choose to be gone. :( You only ever lose me when you choose to go. My heart hurts. I'm sorry I did what I did, but I wish you would have still been able to accept me anyway. I wish someone loved me unconditionally. No, I only wish you did.
I pushed and pushed..I lashed and kicked and threw a fit..kind of hoping deep down that you would console me and show me I had nothing to fear. I wanted the confusion, fear and anxiety to end. I just wanted some unconditional love back I suppose. I'm sorry for wanting that from you so badly. I'm sorry for pressuring you to love the way I do. I'm sorry you aren't here to work it out with me anyway because I still care about you.
Regardless of if I was right or wrong, I apologize if anything I said or did caused you any hurt whatsoever. If this was all a sick game I still have something I need to be sure you know. If you wanted to hurt me and you were indeed playing mind games I have to say that I forgive you and I am sorry you feel the need to do that. If this was no game and you just have sucky communication skills and the most suspicious timing ever, I am sorry if my being triggered triggered you. I'm very sorry about that. Either way..whether you care or not..
Whether you are the wonderful man I feel you are, or the hateful man I know you could be..I still love you and want you to be happy and at peace. You do deserve some peace. Nobody deserves to be angry and or miserable constantly. You don't deserve that. I love you man. If my being triggered triggered you and that's the truth of what is going on..and what our main problem has always been..I hope you stick this out and I am fortunate enough to get to hear from you and see you again once the dust settles. No matter what you say or do, you have to know by now that I will always care about you and forgive you. You must know that. I know this may not mean a single thing to you, but it would mean everything to me so I will say it again just in case..I do love you. And I take love seriously, I don't say it to be cute or to flatters I say it because you are important to me. No matter what.
I've given out a hundred chances to you. Do I even get two?
I hope so. I've forgiven so many errors, can you forgive me for needing forgiveness two times when you first return after a half year MIA? I hope so. I hope my fears are wrong and that you weren't just messing with me. If you aren't here Tuesday that will confirm my fears were all right and I freaked out for good reason. If you are here Tuesday I'll see I was wrong and that I feared for a reason but can stop fearing so much in the future.
What do you want. It should be me. I'm going get happy ;) yeh. I'm going back to fun. I've been broken before, I can handle it again. I'm cutting off from the hurt and bracing myself for the worst again. Love you I'm going get to a good place, and I will stay there no matter what you choose to do Tuesday. I would like for you to choose me. Honestly I would love for you to still be here, so I can be happy with you instead of happy alone. I like being happy with you better.
If my being triggered triggered you, I wish you would've told me instead of shutting me out. You do whatever you have to do or want to do. I have 'pathetic' moments, but I'm not a pathetic jerk just because I can act like one in extreme circumstances. You know me..I think. Who I am is not a hateful, inconsiderate jerk..but I know when I blow up your phone ..sometimes that's how I act. Sorry.
I believed you when you told me you were not a monster'the other day. You've acted like one before, but I still believed you. I'm not a monster either..Can you believe me after I act like one too?
Written Before
Freak Out #1
A blog post I kept private. I wrote this right before the first time I blew up his phone with texts and two weird voicemails.
I initially kept myself from posting this for three reasons:
I initially kept myself from posting this for three reasons:
- I didnāt want him to see it, get hurt, and leave
- I was ashamed and embarrassed that I missed him and gave in. I didnāt want to disappoint anyone or acknowledge there was a problem.
- I wanted to know what the heck was actually going on first and regain composure.
A few days after unblocking him, he reached out. Maybe what he says is going on in his life really is. Why does he always only hoover back in when something horrible happens in his life, Why is it never simply because he realizes he messed up and misses me? Hmmm?? I am 99.9% sure I'm being played/lied to. I'm 100% sure I'm going to get additional pain. I am ashamed of myself. I am embarrassed. But I am trying. I only hope my psyche survives this enough to pick up whatever mess I just volunteered for. I know why, but I don't know why at the same time.
I feel like I am wronging him by not trusting him. Why!?!? Shouldn't my trust be earned, the way it should have been done to begin with? He has repeatedly broken my trust and heart, but I feel I am being unkind and selfish for having no trust? Seems fair..Kidding, it's all ludicrous. Why am I so quick to start blaming myself again. Why am I so quick to feel disgusted with myself. What's happening? I know, kind of.
Sorry if you're disappointed in me, I am too. I'll be back once he leaves again. I will figure out why I keep letting this happen. All my knowledge means nothing when I hear from him again, because then all I want is to hug him, listen to him talk, and enjoy his company. I merely want the confusion, unanswered questions, and sadness to stop dammit. I want the truth. When he talks without picking me apart, all the mess and quest for understanding temporarily fades. I was going to block his number again after his birthday. Not because I hate him or never miss him, but because I am scared and my mind starts freaking out trying to prevent additional harm/ emotional trauma. I kind of thought he wouldn't reach out..but I apparently wanted him to or else I wouldn't have unblocked his number. But why?
All my big talk..My awesome, powerful writings..they don't stand a chance when I break 'No-Contact'. I know, but I don't want to know. I know he doesn't care, but I want him to. I care about him, he knows it.
Why is it so easy to cave, even when I know the hell I am about to pay for doing so? I need to look more into this issue. I want to understand why it takes so little to undo all the progress made. Why am I walking into the fire. What the hell guys..What is it within me that makes me feel that being held by him will be the most incredible and peaceful feeling? I want it. I want him to hold me. It doesn't make sense. Why is my want for that such a driving force? What do I want so badly, that I am willing to risk the worst type of suffering and degradation? Love? I know I hurt already and will inevitably experience even more pain soon- that's what always happens.
Why would I not expect what keeps happening? Better question, why do I go back hoping for a different outcome when no evidence supports that I will get one? Why do I want love from someone who acts like it is difficult to love me? I am lovable and worthy of appreciation. So why would it be difficult for someone to want me, be grateful for me, and remain loyal to me? A man should feel lucky to have me and be trying to 'lock it down' -not wanting to run. I shouldn't have to chase-I am a prize. To the right person, I should be a commitment they want, not a burden they are scared to take on. I am not a burden, I am a gift. This all makes no sense. Maybe it does, and I just cannot think clearly this morning.
If you have been in this situation before, I am so sorry. You aren't alone. I hope that writing about even my most humiliating moments of weakness will benefit some of you. If you've read majority of my personal writings throughout this page, you know I am not a complete moron..yet I am currently behaving very idiotically. I know. Self-destruct sequence initiated. š¬ I will figure this out. Right now I'm tired of fighting it. I just want to rest and be alright. I just don't want to think anymore for a little while..but I know I need to.
Please wish me luck. My heart feels like it breaking all over again already, even though I haven't finished mending it from before. He hasn't even been mean, but the fear..just waiting for the hell that always break lose to pop out and destroy me, that is a horrible feeling..Just waiting, because relaxing is not allowed when unpredictable explosions are all you can predict. Yes, I get how that sounds like nonsense..How can I predict the unpredictable?
Because, the only thing I've experienced with him, is unpredictability. I want to relax. I want to feel safe and know. He hasn't even really apologized for last time he discarded me. He hasn't spoken about it and the serious pain it caused like it was a bug deal, when it was. It hurt me.
This is usually when I start to talk to him about how the past is impacting the present by giving me things to work through. But around this time is also when he always says he needs to look forward and that I need to just have faith..That isn't how it works. Not with the serious extent of pain and broken trust. It needs to be faced/ addressed and then rebuilt. You can't build on a hot mess. Clean the mess up first, don't just pretend the mess isn't there and march along because you don't want to stop and face it. That's just another form of running away.
It is always set up when he returns like this: that he is struggling and requires patience and time/space, while I have to just have faith and wait while graciously accepting that miracle of better treatment is right around the corner for the first time ever. Holding out hope. But he is sure to be considerate to tell me he is too busy..which is nice, until it becomes a pattern..when I notice he is always too busy, too sad, too stressed or too angry to interact with me. When I have seen it all before, but am expected to trust it will be different this time when he is already following the same pattern. Something horrible is going on in his life, he lets me know he is trying and that he cares but that he still has a lot to improve on and so on. He makes sure to let me know to not expect him to get it already/ lower my standards. Could it be true, sure. But this pattern is always what I see.
He comes back in hot and heavy, then communication quickly fades and I become insecure. If I mention that doubt/ insecurity and need for reassurance I get fussed at and the 'hard time' he is having is thrown in my face to remind me that me expecting more from him or asking for anything is me doing wrong and deserving his insults and abandonment. So this time, I will not ask. I will keep just caring about him, expecting the worst and waiting it out because he will lash out and run off soon enough.
I am making a bad choice, but I don't deserve cruelty from him, but I am sure it is coming. I just have to wait for it.I remember these feelings. I wrote about what always takes me over the time before this(available here) It happens. I sent him cute flirty stuff yesterday and he ignored it. He gave short responses at least a few hours later each time. But if I politely confront the small situation and how it made me feel, he will likely tell me how hard of a time he is having-(AKA I am being needy and pushy because I should know he's trying and busy with more important/difficult things.) I am chasing again, when if anyone should be running, it should be me.
Slideshow/ Screenshots
The minor incident that became BIG due to OUR poor communication, MY failure to handle being triggered appropriately & HIS avoidance.
(Iām finally learning to identify my triggers. Thatās a plus!)
There are 9 slides with captions, to assist with order & contextā
*The captions below slides 2, & 6-9 are crucial*
*The captions below slides 2, & 6-9 are crucial*