HOOVERS ARE HELL
Sections:
- The Pattern
- Taking Him Back (My Shame)
- Portions of Hoovers 1 - 4
- Related Pages
Sections:
- The Pattern
- Taking Him Back (My Shame)
- Portions of Hoovers 1 - 4
- Related Pages
I'm too big of a dork to not say this- His hoovers sucked. Sorry, not sorry. 😂
The Pattern
He'd come back around months after each brutal discard.
It always started by him saying something casual, like that he hoped I was doing well. When I would respond he'd initially take full responsibility for the abuse and the horrible mess it made.
He'd apologize.
He'd then talk about how he loved me and still envisioned a future with us getting married and having a family together.
D.B. would spend most his time within the only long conversations we ever had explaining himself.
He'd tell me detailed, complicated reasons why he behaved the way he had (abused me). He'd explain to me who he really is, and that he never wanted things to turn out the way they did.
I'd get to listen to him happily talk about how much better he had been doing since he abused and discarded me.
It was interesting to hear him go on about how amazingly productive his life had been since he deleted me from it like I was nothing— While the entire time he'd been gone my life had been complete hell as I struggled to escape the horrific pain he caused and left me carrying all by myself..
He'd mention all the hard work he was putting in to get himself together. He'd tell me things still weren't going to be easy, but that he was going to keep working on it.
He'd go on an on about how wonderful everything was going to be between us. He'd go on and on about how he was going to finally treat me right.
Then, only a couple of days in, he'd begin to downplay the seriousness of the abuse and the extent of repair needed.
He'd pull away as soon as he got me back.
He'd start losing patience and interest as soon as it was clear I was still in love with him, and that I was his. Guess he wanted a game of chase instead of the real deal.
He'd give me all this big talk about how he would work hard for himself, me and 'us.' He'd tell me he'd be there and listen to what I had to say.
He claimed he understood the damage his behavior had caused, and that he wanted to heal together.
He'd tell me not to be afraid to speak to him about things anymore..because now he supposedly cared.
As soon as I would actually require the attention and effort he'd sworn he was more than willing to provide to fix our relationship, he'd tell me bringing up the past was pushing blame and unhealthily 'throwing it in his face.'
He wouldn't let me talk with him, and then he'd get angry and say I was talking 'at him'.
Well, what the hell was I supposed to do when he was stonewalling me!?
Often refusing to speak to me AT ALL for several consecutive days because I had the nerve to let him know I had a concern or, God forbid, feelings. I wouldn't have talked 'at' him if I could have talked with him. That's all I ever wanted.
I only wanted him to care about me enough to talk with me about something other than what he hated, he needed or he was struggling with.
He always had too much going on, and let me know so any time I wanted to actually interact with him.
He was having too difficult of a time to 'deal with' me..I should not have been viewed as a chore, or a non-priority.
I always focused on him and gave him all I had, but when I needed an equal partner instead of a hostile parasite, he'd attack and run away.
He pulled this refusing to converse nonsense when I wanted to talk about issues..like him saying something hurtful that made me unsure of where we stood. After everything we'd been through, and all the damage he caused.
All I ever needed was reassurance.
I only needed him to provide me with some affirming words about 'us' because his mistreatment left me in a confusing, insecure, and painful place.
He consistently let me know that my desire for security in our relationship was insanely selfish, crazy and unimportant. I was unimportant.
Each issue I tried to discuss would be something an honest and brief conversation could easily resolve. But no. He couldn't do that for the sake of our relationship.
I would bring up how I felt when he cut off all contact for days at a time..literally not a single word from him.
I'd approach the matter delicately, just to be harshly told I was being unfair, paranoid, wrong, crazy, suffocating and selfish towards HIM.
He'd suddenly be too busy..and if I asked for any more of his time he'd be sure to let me know how unreasonable I was being..
You know, because he'd already told me how he was trying as hard as he could. I was being selfish because he'd explained the reasons he couldn't possibly make time for what for our relationship.
He had simpler and more worthwhile things to attend to.
How rude and crazy of me to ask for him to try and treat me like I mattered. My bad?
He always had the perfect excuse to give me NOTHING; then he'd frame it to where I'd be the jerk if I asked him for ANYTHING.
The entire relationship, he always had something going on that had him too angry, too busy or too sad to make time for me.
He'd get so angry when I would tell him I needed him to make time for me. He "didn't have to put up with that!" Entitled, selfish, heartless boy, how did you manage to take my heart?
He sure could put in tons of effort to get me back..yet when real life required real effort he'd act like I was a lunatic for requiring it.
He'd avoid, avoid, avoid, deflect, gaslight, withhold, then lash out and leave when I reacted with strong emotions to his refusal to communicate with me like he had just days prior, and to act like he actually cared and would stand by his word.
As soon as the relationship required even the tiniest bit of work he'd crazy make, then flip it all around on me.
Guess that is why he called me high maintenance..(other than to be mean), because I wanted a real relationship.
And any healthy relationship requires maintenance such as: effort, consideration, time, truth, commitment, and actually speaking for a purpose that isn't always only bragging, complaining, or belittling the other.
When we talked it was always about his struggles, what was going on in his life, and why he couldn't do this, or had done that. Maybe a few romantic speeches full of amazing promises he never kept.
We never spoke like a couple. He refused.
He blocked and withheld like it was nobody's business. Conversations went in circles, and his negativity was always ALL MY FAULT.
Suddenly I was ruining things.
I was the problem.
I was the crazy, selfish manipulative one.
We were having issues because I was behaving poorly..I was always the problem, and that is why he always left.
Well, actually that is likely why he thought he was leaving, because he didn't realize or want to accept that all of those antagonistic flaws and chaotic disruptions he was shaming and blaming me for, only ever described HIMSELF.
Each time it he returned it followed the same pattern.
He would:
Apologize and tell me how he had been struggling.
Declare love and a desire to marry. Promise good things to come.
Be very kind, and tell me how wonderful he thought I was.
Reassure me that I was safe, and swear he wasn't going anywhere.
I'd reach out wanting to talk about how badly I was hurting/confused and needing to speak with him.
I'd tell him I was struggling to trust him/relax because of the times he'd already said the exact same things right before blindsiding me multiple times in the past.
He refused to believe or care that I'd been traumatized-by his actions.
He'd start denying me conversation as soon as he got me back, as soon as he got what he wanted.
He'd attack me, victimize himself/blame me for 'throwing it in his face' (AKA wanting him to care and help me work through what he said he'd help me work through-and speaking freely like he'd just said he didn't want me to fear doing anymore..)
He'd say it was not fair to HIM that I was still hurting from what he did and that I was needing to work through it, then bail after providing me with a hideous insult to let me know it was I who failed him.
Somehow I was the disappointment.
I was the one unworthy of the relationship.
He'd leave after making it clear that he thought I didn't deserve him.
I wasn't good enough.
These maddening, useless conversations would be how each Hoover ended.
It would be a conversation he refused to have, followed by him finding the time to give me his guilt-inducing excuses.
He had time to refuse, blame, and minimize my concerns.. yet, he had no time to talk about something to strengthen us, and begin healing what he had done to me.
Providing what I needed would have taken the same amount of time as his: neglect, excuses, avoidance, denial, blame-shifting, passive aggressive silent treatments, projection and rejection. Yet, that's all he chose to contribute.
He has had nearly a year to correct his biggest mistake. Too late now.
Taking Him Back
It was so bad because of his unpredictable extremes going rapidly from adoring me, to not being able to stand me.
The outrageously terrible things he'd say to me right after being so kind, apologetic, and declaring his love for me. It was always a major shock to my system.
It never felt safe, so I blamed myself to try to get there, because it seemed more 'fixable' if I was the problem; because I knew I could make mistakes, I knew I could learn and adapt. Yet, no matter how much I accommodated him or how loving I was, the painful cycle remained the same.
I finally realized if I kept looking inward at the flaws he pointed out, and expending so much effort to be what he wanted, but still nothing was truly getting any better...then I was not the variable that needed to be changed to solve this problem.
The shame I face most now is multifaceted. But for this writing, I'll only focus on the shame I feel over the fact that I took him back, and I wanted him back.
To have given him as many chances as I did, feels humiliating. It wasn't only my forgiveness of the abusive discards that leaves me feeling small.. It is also every single time he said or did something that was inexcusable. All those times I quickly forgave him and tried to understand why he made an error(through no fault of his own).
It doesn't feel good to see that I could always excuse his horrific behavior much more easily than I could forgive myself for things I never even did.
I KNEW without a doubt that he was bad for me on Hoover 3 and 4, but I still didn't keep him away. I wanted to stay away, but didn't want to at the same time. I couldn't explain it.
Each time I let him back into my life, I felt like a horrible mother and person. I felt like a stupid, needy failure. That's an unfair way to assess myself, but still an understandable way for me to feel.
Being hard on myself, blaming myself and disliking myself have been lifelong struggles. D.B. made it MUCH easier for me to hate who I am. He actually made sure of it.
All of this left me viewing any reason for my attachment to D.B. that was directly related to my flaws, feel like I was making an excuse. I didn't want to blame something else for my shortcomings.
When I first learned about trauma bonds and cognitive dissonance, I started being even harder on myself for daring to think the abuse and the misery wasn't 100% my fault. I became angry, at MYSELF.
I figured everything bad had to be my fault, because me being so horribly flawed obviously caused nothing but trouble. I always caused trouble, I believed the abusive relationship was just painful because I was making it that way. Isn't that healthy?
I felt it would be too arrogant for me to believe there could be any explanation which didn't directly correlate with my failure to be a better person. I felt if I were good enough for anything or anybody, I'd stop screwing everything up.
I felt the way the man I loved wanted me to feel. I felt to blame, I felt small, I felt ashamed and I felt unwanted.
When he'd come back around after abandoning me, I wanted the confusion and pain to stop. So, I irrationally clung to him as though he was someone who would help me get out of the hell HE created. Ugh..Such madness.
I needed help.That part was true, but not help from him. I needed professional help to heal from the damage his manipulative, selfish and cruel abuse caused.
Yes. I always had things to improve, and issues to cope with, but I wasn't a suicide risk until he became my boyfriend.
He can call me 'crazy', but that doesn't change the truth. The truth is that he is a malicious, destructive son of a bitch who traumatizes others he never deserves to be around in the first place.
Majority, if not all, of the shame I feel regarding this relationship is directly related to the after-effects of his gaslighting.
His complete dismissal of me unless he felt like dealing with me/or getting something did not help things.
The shame is useless, complex, and unhealthy —just like dating a narcissist. haha—
I'm working through it, and I'll dive deeper into this in a more articulate manner within my next post, Invalidation & Self-Gaslighting.
Portions of All 4 Hoovers—(All Discards & Hoovers are available in order, here)
HOOVER #1: (5/2020)
So, he pops back up six days into the breakup, when I am trying hard to smile again. I cared so much, I loved him, and I had been deeply devoted to him. He was the first man I kissed or even got to know, hold, or anything in over seven years. He was precious to me, and I always wanted to help and be there for him with full support.
All of those feelings don't just die; well, not for someone who actually had them to begin with. So when he came back, that big piece of me that he had kind of..grossly damaged..it temporarily burned a little less, and felt that sick, stupid hope. My heart that he broke, and my mind that had exhausted itself trying to make sense of everything that didn't line up-the emotional whiplash...I wanted to believe the good because the bad was so appallingly bad. So when he did come back, I fell right back in.
He didn't speak to me for six days. I was trying to make sense if what happened, heal, and move on. I was in shock. It made no sense at all. The man I knew and adored would have never spoken to me that way..right? And another woman!? I NEVER saw that coming. I had never heard of this woman until the week before the breakup/discard. By day five after the breakup I had convinced myself it was a good thing. I actually felt relief mixed in with all of the shock and pain. BUT THEN, he popped back up with another story to explain away everything away and how he was sorry(but that it also wasn't 100% in his control). He managed to pull me back into the addictive and destructive partnership. Love/bonding isn't ever easy to shake, even more so in an abusive dynamic...I was fully devoted, confused, and desperate to make all of the hurting stop. His sudden epiphany and the return of the caring, but troubled demeanor he had when we first met..it worked like a charm.
He got me back that day. We met up. He apologized more. I didn't realize at the time what was happening. I didn't know anything about narcissistic abuse perpetrated by narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, etc. I'd never heard about hoovering ,triangulation, gaslighting and abusive exploitation. I just didn't think this man who I care for, who I looked in the eyes, held, kissed, who I was worried about, and given so much of myself to..I couldn't fathom that he would ever do something that terrible to me. Even though he kept doing terrible hurtful things, like ignoring me, calling me names, being accusatory and so cruel. But I couldn't imagine that he could be THAT level of evil towards me because he did know me. He knew me pretty well, because I let him know me.
I was always genuine with him. I know I'm not perfect, and I obviously have a lot of my own improvement and recovery to do, but I know that I have a really good heart, and that I had good intentions, and I was loving, and funny, and cute, and I had or have a lot to offer..and I just couldn't imagine somebody who was seeing all of that, someone who knows me to the core..would have the heart to push me down in that way, and use me, lie to me, and treat me so badly. I didn't want it to be true, because it hurt a great deal. So I forgave him, and we got back together. I went right back to being guided by him.
HOOVER #2: (8/2020)
I couldn't comprehend why I let him back into my life when I KNEW BETTER, and had sworn I'd never do such a thing again! I was lost. I was so accustom to him alleviating my pain with his kindness & "love"( I failed to realize my pain was always due to his abuse.) Hot and cold, push and pull..I was addicted to how he made me feel when he acted like the man he pretended to be when he initially lured me in. I was in love with the illusion he managed to embed so deeply, powerfully in my mind that it made me forget everything awful he was doing, or ever did; he could explain anything away with ease and confidence! He was in charge of my perception of "us", of him, and of myself..How did it happen!? I didn't understand. I thought I was going completely insane..which made me literally get closer to true temporary insanity. I was starting to get extremely, incessantly confused and depressed.
I realized, once again, that I had been correct to fear nothing was real while he tried desperately to convince me that it was. I still responded calmly to his harsh text. "Alright. I'm not trying to hammer you, and I'm not selfish." His response.."You are being very selfish right now. Just give me some f*cking time please!" His responses earlier that day when I tried to express myself, in contrast, had been calm-but patronizing; he acted as if I were overreacting and had no legitimate reason to have concerns, doubts, and pain. He calmly messaged me acting as if he was having to settle me down, for accusing him of attacking me. I never said what I wanted to talk about was due to me being attacked by him. It made no sense...I had every right in the world to feel the way I did...and to want the things I wanted. After everything that had happened in our relationship, everything he knew about my past prior. I just wanted to communicate with him, to have a conversation. He was NOT okay with that. I wanted him to care that I was asking for his help, all I needed to help me were some kind reassuring words.
I WAS DONE. I KNEW. MY MIND FELT FULLY DISORIENTED. MY HEAD WAS DIZZY. MY CHEST HURT. MY STOMACH WAS BURNING. I KNEW HE WAS EXACTLY WHO I WAS FIGHTING SO HARD TO DENY HE WAS. I WAS DESPERATELY SLIPPING IN AND OUT OF A STATES OF DENIAL AND HOPELESSNESS. IT WAS TERRIBLE. I had told this man that I had been single for seven years out of fear of being abused again, that I hadn't so much as kissed or dated anyone since before my seven year old son was born. He KNEW I had cPTSD due to psychological and physical abuse from many years ago.. HE KNEW, and suddenly I knew he was an abuser too, but the worst one yet..He was a master of his words, and had the terrifying ability to make me (and many others) believe anything he said. I trusted him, loved him, placed hope in what he said we had and would have together. I let him near me. I shared everything with him, and somehow managed to push all of myself aside to care for him in the way he demanded me to.
Why did I let him back in!??He called and spent over two hours convincing me that he cared. He had such big plans for everything..He had amazing new beautiful revelations; like the fact that he "loved" me, and knew he had treated me terribly. I swore that I would never be near him again. The amount of self-loathing I experienced for not being able to resist him after everything he had put me through... Before he entered my life I was confidently aware that I deserved to be treated well. Before this man sunk his fangs in, I was positive that I was worthy of respect and kindness..Before him, I was absolutely certain I'd never fall so low again. I swore I'd never let another man make me feel worthless. I swore I'd rather be alone forever than experience that torment again. BUT I DID EXPERIENCE IT AGAIN, possibly worse because it was all a lie and the hopes he built up within me were so deeply rooted in my fulfillment. A fulfillment I never thought I'd have was suddenly being presented to me, but he was lying. They were just words, because he didn't have the integrity to avoid speaking constant falsehoods. I believed in him, but words that should have carried weight were paper thin. I don't know how it happened. I'm going to find a way to make sure it never happens again. I was vulnerable. I was/am attracted to the wrong type of men, and apparently I attract them too. Regardless of my need for self-reflection and improvement, I NEVER deserved to be betrayed and degraded the way I was by D.B. I forgive him for what he'll never admit or care that he did.
HOOVER #3: (10/2020)
I saw this coming. I tried not to give in and start believing him. I only wanted to hear him out and record our phone calls, like I was advised to with this type of relationship(due to the gaslighting.) But after our three and five hour telephone conversations, I was pulled right back into his world again. It freaked me out. I had gotten too cocky! I thought since I could see through some of his stories and knew the abusive patterns, that I could no longer be swayed or harmed by him anymore. I was terribly mistaken.
I didn't want to feel false hope again, I didn't think I would..but I started to have hope anyway. I was attached to him, bonded with him, only months ago he had me believing we were going to be together forever. Only a few months ago I had no idea what was truly going on, and felt hopelessly in love with this man. I should have been able stay away. But..for some reason, I just couldn't! I now understand the NO CONTACT rule. My mistake. I've learned from it this time around. It's finally sinking in. I truly was clueless to what he was up to. But in all fairness, what he was up to isn't something anyone should have to suspect in the first place! Oh well. I'd rather be duped than intentionally mistreat and use someone any day. Intentionally hurting people within any context beyond self-defense is wrong, having an earnest heart isn't.
He claimed he somehow got over me and met a better woman without 'baggage' at work, less than a week after he asked for forgiveness, got me back, said he loved me, wanted to be with me, marry me and have children with me? Not buying it.
HOOVER #4: (2/2021)
Just in time for my birthday 👍 He implemented the stonewalling/discard on 2/4...my birthday is 2/8 -He had told me he'd still be here that day to prove he was serious this time. He said he had a great gift for me. I told him no man had ever gotten me anything for my birthday. He said I would really like it, and that he was excited. I bet he didn't get me anything. He just wanted to get my hopes up, so he could let me down.
I'm just trying to understand what is going on while in a major brain fog. I'm likely right, but me being a major butt was wrong. I'm not going to lie about when I fall, that's a big part of this webpage..to provide an honest look into the impact psychological abuse has on cognitive function..(even after the abuse has ended) It isn't simple to accept or to heal from, but it's possible-it can just get pretty ugly sometimes. 🤷🏻♀️ Healing from the past takes time, and building trust takes patience, reassurance, and commitment..something this gentleman has displayed zero interest in providing. If he runs when I expect him to stand by his big beautiful words, or when I expect the same curtesy in regards to forgiveness, effort, and consideration..I will learn eventually.
If someone knows you are hurting, and just lets you keep suffering even though they know they have the power to alleviate the pain..what is that?? I mean, when you tell them all you need is them to answer a question or say what they just said days before to settle your mind..they obviously can tell their response holds a lot of power..so why not provide what will help the other person? Unless of course, you like holding that power, don't care if they keep hurting, would rather do what you feel like in the moment OR all of those reasons combined.. Is my logic about that irrational? Seems sound.
I don't feel great and certain now. But he is stonewalling me. You don't go from love of someone's life and a couple's therapy session, to refusing all communication for days. I was wrong in how I handled my anger..and I know his past abuse doesn't make it ok for me to lash out too. It isn't about keeping score and he owing me, but does it make sense for me to expect for him to give me mercy after everything,?