Sections:

• Accepting What My Relationship Was

• Discovering Narcissistic Abuse

He assumed that I'd only reached conclusions about our relationship because my therapist had 'fed' me information. He tried to take away from the accuracy of how I defined what I’d been through. He said the patterns fit but that the term used to describe them didn't apply to him.

Later he admitted what he’d done, but he also tried to explain everything away. He shifted blame for his hideous behavior onto me and his time in the Marines. He even went as far to say the hell I endured due to his abuse wasn't all his fault because I was already ‘damaged goods' when he and I got together.

Accepting What My Relationship Was

Even the loving things I’d write to him sounded apologetic. I was constantly making sure my letters and messages started out with me stating my non-hostile intentions.. not that it did any good. It was my preemptive defense against his usual accusations or dismissal.

He intentionally pulled me down into his chaotic, deceptive, aggressive, and self-serving reality.. and then said I got there on my own. I did it to myself.
 

Discovering Narcissistic Abuse

—Discovering information regarding this form of abuse saved my life—
 

I searched incessantly online for at least a solid week, just reading and reading.. The results consistently kept coming back as Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuse..CONSISTENTLY.
 

Even after several days of research, it wasn't enough to 100% convince me..It all matched..but was too ugly to accept.

All targets of the abuse blamed themselves and were told they were crazy. They were all initially shocked, confused, depressed, and in denial.

It is a lot to wrap your mind around.. To know you loved and trusted someone so deeply damaged that they can barely feel, and cannot actually feel for others..

I was manipulated, used, betrayed, attacked, dehumanized, and abandoned by a highly narcissistic man.
 

I can see the image slowly coming into focus one little section at a time.
 

The title fits, because it properly describes his mistreatment of me.
 

I call it narcissistic abuse because that's what it was.

When I initially started typing statements in my online search, I'd type variations of things related to our relationship like this:

(I typed the word 'abuse' before most statements to get relevant search results.) 
 

• "Abrupt and aggressive breakup without warning"
   

• "Extreme, shocking behaviors from angry partner"
   
• "He went from adoring me and wanting me, to suddenly uninterested and repulsed by me”
   

• "He said he wanted a serious relationship and a wife, but now says he never thought he was going to get married again?"
   
• “He shamelessly tries to cause me pain whenever he is angry.” 
   
• "I'd respectfully let him know his actions had hurt me, he would spitefully tear apart my character and attack me for caring about the issues in the first place." 
   
• "I critiqued his actions, he scrutinized and mocked my character and mind." 
   

• “If I told him I was hurting, he’d get angry and hurt me more instead of helping make it better” 
   

• "Our relationship got intense fast. We became a couple right away"
   
• “Says comforting loving things and makes promises right before he becoming cruel again.”
   

• "He insults a lot of people and uses derogatory terms to describe women."
   
• "He doesn't do what I want-ever.." 
   
• “He was free to lash out, ignore me and display extremely harmful behavior- but I wasn’t allowed to share when I was sad, scared or confused by it.”(AKA double-standards of the entitled, misogynistic abuser)
   

• “"He can act like a completely different person. I never know what to expect" 
   
• “I can never relax  in my relationship. I’m always watching what I do because everything I do is wrong” 
   

• “I feel guilty after he hurts my feelings, like I did something bad to him.” 
   
• “I am always trying hard not to upset him.” 
   

• "He said he wanted to have a child with me and then abandoned me in a immediately after!”
    
• "He contradicts himself often"
   

• "He accused me of lying, manipulating, overreacting, being dramatic and selfish when I shared ANYTHING. " 
   

• "He constantly criticized how I felt and thought, and refused to discuss it any further than telling me he was not ok with what I had to say or how I felt. He refused to consider me and compromise”
    
• “Always my fault. Not allowed to solve problems or address what I needed without facing serious consequences”
   

• "He said I was going to get fat again, then said he was just joking when I looked upset."
   
• “Asking for reassurance and affirmation gets me into big trouble with my partner.”
   
• "He asked me if I had a c-section or natural birth..then laughed and said he wasn't asking for the reason I thought" 
    

• "Boyfriend ignoring me for days without warning"
    
•  “ He acts like he hates everything about me often. I’m confused. I don’t know what I did wrong”
    
• “My partner lets me know he doesn’t need me. He can ignore me for days while he knows I’m in pain, and still not care about what he’s putting me through.”
   
• "Boyfriend refusing to respond to me when  I am hurt and begging for communication”
   
• “My man never did anything for the good of our relationship, only did what was best for him and what he was ok with.”
   
• "He always tells me I am asking for too much any time I want ANYTHING..or any normal couple stuff."  
   

• “My boyfriend calls me hurtful names and accuses me of horrible things I’d never do.”  
   
• “ If he doesn’t like it or want to deal with it, he doesn’t. No matter how much it hurts me.”
    
• "He said he was extremely selfish and shallow."
   

• "He invited me to things in the future and left or lashed out before it could ever happen..."
   
• “My daily life was happier before I met him.”  
   
• "He will act like a completely different person. I never know what to expect"
   
• "Never felt safe or knew exactly where I stood with him."
   
• “Partner driving off when picking me up for a date, and refusing all communication for days.  No explanation or apologies.”
   
• “Felt like I was a kid getting in trouble with my parent..but he was my boyfriend” 
   
• "Becoming scared to express yourself because of how they respond" 
   
• "He has extreme pity-inducing excuses for everything bad he does..or he says I caused him to be mean." 
   
• "Feeling unwanted, unimportant and lost in a relationship"
   
• "When he always tells me it is going to get better and that he has new hope." 
   
• “Trying to be understood disgusts him and incites rage” 
    
• "When he hates everything you do and think" 
   

• “My boyfriend constantly creates drama and chaos, then calls me dramatic or crazy for being bothered.”
    
• "Always feeling guilty when I let him know I need to talk" 
   
• "Being falsely accused and frequently belittled by partner"
   
• "Feeling only invisible or annoying to him."
   
• "If he gets angry any time you try to talk to him" 
   
• "Always says it is all in my head when I am worried or upset by his behavior”
   
•  "No matter how hard I try, he acts disgusted and leaves me lonely." 
    
• "He’s never there for me, no matter how much I am there for him"
   
• "If I tell him I feel scared or sad, he responds angrily and vanishes."
   
• "I feel like I don't know how to do anything right anymore."
   
• "I have to be so careful and I'm too scared to say anything."
   
• "I'm miserable. If I tell him he’s hurting me he doesn't care." 
   
• "When he refuses to hear your side." 
   
• "Tells you how you feel makes no sense or that you’re crazy and selfish for feeling that way." 
   
• "Being called crazy for trying to discuss how a partner's actions hurt you"
   
• "Partner bragging about exes and other women, then telling me I'm being insecure"
   
• "Partner acting in love and then like he hates me the very next day."
   
• "Boyfriend saying I am upset for no reason.."
   
• "Partner always calling my feelings drama."
   
• "Boyfriend never calling me."
   
• "Partner unpredictable and demanding"
   
• "Partner never offers comfort."
   
• “My boyfriend picks on me and makes me hate myself.” 
   
• "He always made me feel bad about myself. He was always judging and scrutinizing me just because I wanted to communicate"
   
• "He sent a pic of us sitting close in his bed to a friend with a caption ' Mission accomplished.' When I asked he laughed and said his friend had told him to f*ck that b*ch and get back to the game they were playing online.."
   
• "He smacked my butt in public, talked about private things around others and embarrassed me. Made me feel ashamed, small and objectified.” 
   
• "Crudely told his teenage nephew we were about to have sex and kicked him out..it was disrespectful, embarrassing, inappropriate and gross."
   
• "He is 40 and talks about sleeping with 18-19 year old girls like it is normal.."
    
• "Said he doesn't like skinny girls..made me feel like he was calling me fat." 
   
• "Never complimented me on anything other than my looks."
   

• “Always had a big story and excuse for his horrible behavior.
   
• and on and on and on, and onnnnn. 
   
  You get the idea.