Sections:

• What the Hell Was I Thinking?!
• While D.B. Was Around 
• The Timeline
• Other M. Related Blogposts

What the Hell Was I Thinking?!

I'm implementing No-Contact today.. after being in contact with my ex for the past several months. (then broke it yet again—and I’m currently paying for it. 10/19/22) 
  

I want to be honest about the unhealthy reasons behind this, and about how our communication went. He wasn't hateful this time, but it still ended up being bad for my mental health (and waistline. :P)
 

Back in March I reached out to my ex. Yeah, I reached out. I unblocked his number and messaged him because my feelings were hurt when the man I was interested in viewed my webpage, listened to these recordings, & took my abuser's side.. Oh, and then seemingly wrote me off by saying I was too broken- Well, by saying that we were both too broken.
 

This doesn't mean contacting my ex was an acceptable choice or that I didn't make it 100% on my own. I chose to try to regulate my intense, painful emotions in a counterproductive, codependent way.
 

Sometimes I screw up and behave poorly. No matter why I felt what I felt, I was responsible for what I chose to do with those feelings. My error = my own fault. This is simply how I processed things-
 

I'd been crushing hard on a man.. Let's call him.. M. M's response after being silent for two weeks really hurt my feelings because it felt invalidating/unintentionally gaslighty.. So naturally, I reached out to the person my mind was used to seeking comfort from when I'm confused and overwhelmed- D.B. Womp womp wommmmp…
(How I processed it at the time  Here We Go Again)

To cope I ended up behaving in ways that left me feeling very..very..gross. I acted in a narcissistic manner in regards to a few things. I'm not proud of this, but I'm not going to hide my wrongs because being fake makes me feel sick and immensely uncomfortable... It just doesn't feel right, so.. here it is.

I did some good and bad, as usual.

While D.B. Was Around

I was fully transparent when I reached out. I told him about my interest in a man, and about how I was frustrated and sad.
  

D.B. responded to me like a friend would. He was seemingly supportive and joked around with me after I vented. He even said he’d call M. to tell him the truth about how he’d been an abusive arse towards me while we dated. I declined. D.B. was there when I was feeling down about how things were turning out. I needed someone to be there, or… at least I thought I did. 

We caught up about things going on in our lives and cleared the air. I cannot recall what happened, but we eventually had some disagreement and stopped talking for a few weeks.(He ended up speaking to me again around his birthday & told me he’d been in a coma. I didn’t believe that, but it was still nice having someone to talk to.)
 

M. and I got back in touch in June. We got along really well and he said us dating was inevitable. I was definitely feeling it. In mid-June we saw each other for the first and only time. We simply hung out, talked, watched some shows, kissed for hours and whatnot. I was too nervous to even move or kiss right, but I still enjoyed it. It was wonderful to be held a little. I've lived my entire life starved for affection, so when someone is affectionate towards me I can get overwhelmed.. usually in a good way. :) I am not used to someone massaging my shoulders or anything like that. I'm just not. I wish I were. I'm used to being lonesome.
 

We were talking/messaging for hours at a time, and the best part was..he’d ask about me and he’d respond thoughtfully to my questions. He was also funny and spoke more openly than I’m accustomed to. It was..once again, very nice.
 

Then he told me he was going out of town for a week, which was fine. Yet we went from talking a lot, seeing each other and kissing for the first time, to a sudden complete cut off of communication for several days. It caught me off-guard.
 

When I reached out to him and saw he read by message but chose not to respond.. then would sign offline anytime I'd sign on.. I got triggered and terrified..which I still feel was understandable considering the circumstances. I wish I would’ve handled it in a healthier manner. 
 

It felt like a rather dismissive way to be treated, especially right after how much we'd been talking …and how he expressed he liked me and wanted to "do things the right way" because he didn't want to be one of 'those guys.'  It truly didn't make sense to me for us to have been moving forward hot and heavy just to then slam to an abrupt halt by him not saying a word to me for about a week. It left me feeling uneasy.
  

I knew I didn’t know his side of things.. so I reached out, shared my feelings, and requested to know what was going on(basically, I asked him to share his perspective so I could know what was actually going on—and thus feel less anxious)

I told him that being confused was causing me distress, and asked him to please help clarify. He read that message and ignored it.. That really upset me. It felt very hurtful to be brushed aside again. I'm so tired of being a backburner person. I'm so tired of not being prioritized or appreciated..or even wanted. That crap starts to eat away at a person. 
 

Anyway.. He eventually responded and blah blah blah.  But when he responded he brought up how me expressing my concerns in a vulnerable manner demonstrated that we both had issues.
 

Apparently sharing my honest thoughts was wrong and a sign of me being too flawed to want?? I have no idea how I was supposed to take that. It also hurt, because all I did was share my feelings, and he responded to me like there was something wrong with how I thought and felt- AKA something terribly wrong with me and my emotional response to his confusing and rude behavior.
  

His words made it clear that he pretty much no longer wanted to get romantically involved with me. Ouch..but ok. He had the right to choose that. 
 

Not too long afterwards things between us started to go back and forth, but I'm not getting into all of that. All I will say is that whenever I thought we were finally going in one direction and I'd start letting myself really like him or enjoy our friendship...he'd then go in the complete opposite direction and become quiet/disengaged. It felt painfully familiar.
 

Anyway.. back to D.B. — 

Over the past 2-3 months he and I have pretty much stopped talking. There were a few texts here and there, and two phone calls..but that was it. He said he was still wanting to be a part of my life, but he wasn't speaking with me.. Maybe 1-2 texts per week.. sometimes 0.

However, with M. we started speaking a lot recently, until I tried to talk to him about needing some clarity once more (because he'd be playful and talk to me for many hours one day..then quiet or giving short answers the next several while asking me nothing about myself and MY day/life-- that's confusing. He'd stop talking to me when I'd try to progress things in the direction he claimed he wanted to go. He'd say he wanted to hang out, but when I'd attempt to take actual steps to make it or anything else a reality..*poof* - shot down, blown off, subject avoided, ignored. Siggghhhhhh)

Last time I asked him for some clarity he responded, then suddenly stopped talking to me again.. We hadn't really gone more than a few days without talking since late this summer.. but now it's been over two weeks- so, I just give up. I'm going to be EXTREMELY careful next time I allow myself to like someone or start bonding with a potential friend.
 

Getting shut out over and over again by people you open up to SUCKS. I need to stop being drawn to rejecting, emotionally unavailable people. I thought there was more there. I want to be able to let my guard down without the fear of getting lied to, led on, or abruptly ditched.
 

While I was in touch with D.B. I stayed ashamed of myself and stuck trying to figure out what was and wasn’t real. I repressed a lot and tried to just go with it because I hate giving up on/missing people I care about.  I’ve been conflicted and desperate to have something solid/certain to hold onto. Nothing with D.B..and nothing with M. has been sturdy or clear over these last few months. 
 

I hate being confused.. but when someone goes back and forth and won’t tell you what they want it is impossible to be sure. I need a clear reality. I told both gentlemen what I wanted and felt, but neither treated me like they wanted me as a friend or a partner. I deserve solid ground to stand on.
 

The Timeline—

— I had cut off from D.B. and was ready to move forward with getting to know M..
 

— M. Finally messages me, we talk all night. he expresses interest..we talk about future hang-outs/dates. He falls asleep while we are talking, then doesn't message me the next day..or at all for 5+ days straight..I'm triggered by memories of stonewalling.
 

— I'm scared..I spaz out. I reach out. He reads my messages, doesn't respond for two weeks..then his response is to write me off and invalidate everything I told him I’d been working my ass off to heal from. 

— M. shot me down, stopped talking to me, and is out of the picture for two plus months.. So I rebounded to contacting D.B. again.. We stay in touch the entire time and I start feeling old feelings of attachment to him. I care and am appreciative of having company.
 

— A disagreement took place/ or I came to my senses and distance myself from D.B. again.

— I feel conflicted and sad. Something's not right. I can't sleep. I knew I shouldn't have been involved with D.B. because it gets me so mixed up. I have nobody to reach out to. I'm scared, embarassed, and alone. I want to reach out to M..but I dont. I almost message him anytime I see him online..but don't until I accidently send a thumbs up while reading over our old messages. I'm mortified, so I explain. He asks if I'm ok. I'm thankful for his response.
 

— M. and I start talking. We talked all night a few times and chatted all day for several consecutive days.. I start to really like him. He said he liked me too. We saw each other, kissed, and hung out. I was nervous, but ready to move on from my past and get to know M.

— Then M. left town and stopped talking to me. I got triggered. I shared my thoughts and asked for some clarity. I even said please. 

— M. ignored my message. Days passed, I felt rather hurt, embarrassed, and afraid .

— M. responds and his tone is completely different. He’s suddenly unsure and uninterested in dating/getting to know me better.

— I’m hurt..I reach out (or maybe D.B. did? All I remember for sure is we were not talking, then right around the time of his brithday he was letting me know he’d been in a coma…)  ANYWAY.. either way I confide in D.B. I tell him I was ignored and shot down for not being good enough and for having ‘restrictions.’  He comforts me over the phone (he’s living out of state) 

—  M. and I start chatting regularly. We’re becoming some type of odd friends. It’s fun. D.B. and I never talk. I feel guilty, confused and lonely. I want to do the right thing, so I try to get answers since I’m doubting my own perceptions again— it doesn't work.. Thus, I finally have to be a big girl and decide for myself no matter what someone else does or doesn’t want. I accept that I can be happy alone if I stop running from the pain isolation causes.
  

I was so much happier September 2021- February.. I can get back there. I can do anything. I deserve to be happy, appreciated, and certain. I deserve simplicity and sincerity. I deserve to trust myself again, even if someone else won’t let me in or offer me affirmation. I can do this life alone, I pretty much always have. I'm done settling for people who don't appreciate me or recognize they're lucky to have a shot in the first place. If someone wants to be my friend, they're always free to step up and start acting like it.