If I Could Decide His Fate

06/09/2021

Sections:

  • If I Could Decide His Fate
  • I Wish You Could
Please don't get me wrong when you discover the tone of this writing. There has been no shift in the way I view him. I stand by all of the harshly accurate words I've used to describe his hateful nature. I do believe he is selfish, malicious, horrible etc. etc. BUT, no matter how furious or sad I get over how cruel he was towards me, or how disgusted I am with his complete lack of compassion, I do not hate him. There are times I see red when triggered by specific memories; that’s the closest I’ve ever felt to hate. It was all vented out here.
  

I become livid or weepy when I recall many of the unacceptable words he said to me and the games he played with my mind. Still, I do not want him to hurt the way he hurt me. Fortunately for him, it doesn't seem like he can feel much of anything at all. My emotions will likely continue to cycle..and that'll be obvious throughout my posts. Sometimes I am furious, sometimes I am confidently defiant, and sometimes I am heartbroken. Any shocking, unacceptable mistreatment and betrayal can keep you kind of..strung out for a good while..
  

I may inexplicably want good things for him, but I still do not think he is a good man. I do not approve of his unacceptable behavior, and I will continue to get plenty angry over it at times.


I KNOW NONE OF WHAT I WANT TO HAPPEN TO HIM EVER WILL.. but I can know it is impossible, and still wish it weren't. I have no hope for him to suddenly care about others and change his abusive ways, nor do I think he wants love and a normal fulfilling life.
—This writing is purely how I wish it could be for him.
 

Now, with all of that being said..

If I Could Decide His Fate

I was thinking about how hurtful it is that he will never care about the pain he's caused me, or the scars his abuse left behind on my life. That led me to start contemplating how I'd like his life to turn out.


If there were some magical way for me to make the impossible possible.. If I had control over the universe and could make anything occur, I know exactly what I'd want to happen to him..
 

He'd suddenly have the capacity for all of the positive and productive human emotions. Whether that happens because of a miracle or head trauma doesn't matter. It would happen.
 

He'd be able to function and feel appropriately. He would suddenly have healthy interpersonal skills. He'd be able to see the world clearly, instead of through a lens of rage, contempt and misery.
 

Once his brain starts functioning the way human minds are supposed to, I'd want him to reflect on all of the horrible things he has done to others. And then, I would want him to be able to forgive himself.


He'd work on his flaws, instead of being consumed by them. He'd discover an actual purpose to his life, instead of wasting it away and stealing the joy from mine.


He'd become a better man. He'd meet someone who he recognizes as being worth all his effort, and all of his time. This person would give him nothing less than her best too, and her best would be more than enough.

 
In this land of make believe, he'd appreciate good things. He'd value what brings life deeper meaning. He wouldn't view care, honesty and vulnerability as weak and shameful. He'd be able to see these characteristics for what they really are, the most beautiful aspects of humanity.


And lastly, if I could truly wish anything at all upon this man, it would be for him to be happy.
 

I wrote about all the things I wished for him after he hurt me, yet again, one month after the main discard. I put a part of it next, and the link to the full page below it. It is lame to him, and possibly to you too..but, it is what it is. This is how my heart functions, and I don't want to change how I love just because someone else failed to appreciate it.
 

I'm not ashamed of having a big heart anymore. No matter how much he laughs at it.

I Wish You Could


I wish you could feel the love you and every single person deserves to feel. Not in a cheesy Hallmark-sense..nor a foolish impulse for misguided self-fulfillment. In a realistic, messy but profound way.
 
In a way that goes beyond just feeling good. In a manner that is a conscious choice and willing sacrifice.
  
With the desire to care beyond oneself, and be in a mutually beneficial partnership without selfish or malicious intent. 
 
To truly care, even on the days the very person you love is the one you can't stand (temporarily).
 
To accept someone on their worst days, and feel the comfort of being accepted at your worst in return.
 
To be with someone you can trust with all you are, and all that you have been. 
 
To have someone you can mature with, laugh with, fight with, cry with, smile with, share stories, joy, and pain with- all while willingly committing to stay with. 
 
To not intentionally harm, or be harmed by them. 
 
To be with someone simply to BE WITH THEM, not to make use of them..Not for yourself, but to donate yourself to them-for them..because that is what it is to love..it is selfless and sincere. 
 
To be with someone you'd rather hurt for, than to inflict hurt upon. 
  
To have and share something that helps heal you when you're broken, and teaches you how to break with more grace and less severity in the future. 
 
To focus on and invest in something that will matter on your deathbed, something that makes getting to such a point a less painful and empty process. Something that makes all the pain and difficulties of life worth it.
  
To have a friend willing to fight for you, believe in you, and want you. To have someone be the other half of yourself. 

To have something that leads to someone being there at the end of each day who knows all of you, authentically, and still feels tremendously grateful to have you exactly as you are.


Our relationship was one-sided and lacking the depth you initially portrayed, but I felt such things for you. I wish you could feel in that manner for anyone at all. I know you likely don't want to, or even know how. It's extremely unfortunate that you have to live this way.

There is so much more to life and to others.. so many incredible things of tremendous value that you are blind to. I'm sorry that you can't see it, and that you failed to see me. You didn’t even bother to look. I suppose I failed to see you too, but not for lack of trying. You never cared; sometimes I regret that I did. I hope I’m wrong. I hope you can care, and that one day you actually will.

NEVER Enough
Invalidation & Self-Gaslighting
PURE SELFISHNESS