If I Could Decide His Fate
Sections:
- If I Could Decide His Fate
- I Wish You Could
I become livid or weepy when I recall many of the unacceptable words he said to me and the games he played with my mind. Still, I do not want him to hurt the way he hurt me. Fortunately for him, it doesn't seem like he can feel much of anything at all. My emotions will likely continue to cycle..and that'll be obvious throughout my posts. Sometimes I am furious, sometimes I am confidently defiant, and sometimes I am heartbroken. Any shocking, unacceptable mistreatment and betrayal can keep you kind of..strung out for a good while..
I may inexplicably want good things for him, but I still do not think he is a good man. I do not approve of his unacceptable behavior, and I will continue to get plenty angry over it at times.
I KNOW NONE OF WHAT I WANT TO HAPPEN TO HIM EVER WILL.. but I can know it is impossible, and still wish it weren't. I have no hope for him to suddenly care about others and change his abusive ways, nor do I think he wants love and a normal fulfilling life.
—This writing is purely how I wish it could be for him.
Now, with all of that being said..
If I Could Decide His Fate
I was thinking about how hurtful it is that he will never care about the pain he's caused me, or the scars his abuse left behind on my life. That led me to start contemplating how I'd like his life to turn out.
If there were some magical way for me to make the impossible possible.. If I had control over the universe and could make anything occur, I know exactly what I'd want to happen to him..
He'd suddenly have the capacity for all of the positive and productive human emotions. Whether that happens because of a miracle or head trauma doesn't matter. It would happen.
He'd be able to function and feel appropriately. He would suddenly have healthy interpersonal skills. He'd be able to see the world clearly, instead of through a lens of rage, contempt and misery.
Once his brain starts functioning the way human minds are supposed to, I'd want him to reflect on all of the horrible things he has done to others. And then, I would want him to be able to forgive himself.
He'd work on his flaws, instead of being consumed by them. He'd discover an actual purpose to his life, instead of wasting it away and stealing the joy from mine.
He'd become a better man. He'd meet someone who he recognizes as being worth all his effort, and all of his time. This person would give him nothing less than her best too, and her best would be more than enough.
In this land of make believe, he'd appreciate good things. He'd value what brings life deeper meaning. He wouldn't view care, honesty and vulnerability as weak and shameful. He'd be able to see these characteristics for what they really are, the most beautiful aspects of humanity.
And lastly, if I could truly wish anything at all upon this man, it would be for him to be happy.
I wrote about all the things I wished for him after he hurt me, yet again, one month after the main discard. I put a part of it next, and the link to the full page below it. It is lame to him, and possibly to you too..but, it is what it is. This is how my heart functions, and I don't want to change how I love just because someone else failed to appreciate it.
I'm not ashamed of having a big heart anymore. No matter how much he laughs at it.
I Wish You Could
I wish you could feel the love you and every single person deserves to feel. Not in a cheesy Hallmark-sense..nor a foolish impulse for misguided self-fulfillment. In a realistic, messy but profound way.