Invalidation & Self-Gaslighting
Sections:
- You Matter
- Unintentional Invalidation
- Self-Gaslighting & Shame
You Matter
Sometimes I become mortified as I read over the deeply personal things I've written about in such a vulnerable manner. It's mostly because I know that others have been through much worse.
I don't blame any other survivors for me automatically comparing experiences and feeling anxious or guilty. D.B. made me afraid to speak.
His abuse and scrutiny of my kindest words made me feel ashamed of my emotions, my thoughts, and eventually my very existence. Being made to feel foolish and unimportant is likely something many of you can relate to.
No matter who you are or what you've been through, you matter. Whether you call yourself victim, a survivor, or nothing at all- you matter. Your pain matters. Your joy, fear, doubts, sorrow..it all matters. What you've been through and how you feel about it matters, because you matter.
Unintentional Invalidation
Some well-intended people have left me feeling invalidated at times with comments like:
- "At least it / Be thankful it-"
- "Just move on. / Forget about him!"
- "You shouldn't care. / Stop worrying."
- "Well, only if you allow it will it continue. / God let you get hurt so you'd leave"
- "Was it physical, or just emotional?"
- "Yeah, well everyone gets screwed."
- "If she claims all her boyfriends abused her, I doubt the guys are the problem"
- "I would never let a man treat me like that!"
- "You shouldn't have—"
- "Why didn't you—?"
- "How could you have—?"
- “What exactly did he do?"
- "What about you?? If I asked your exes would they say you were a perfect angel?"
- "What kind of example are you setting for your kid?'
- "Why complain if you chose to be with him?"
- "Isn't saying you were you victimized by him victimizing yourself?" (By the way, NO it is not. I'll discuss that issue in detail elsewhere)
- "Men aren't going to waste their time on women with trust issues." (Well, I don't trust that statement. Ha!)
- "It took two people./ He couldn't have done it if you hadn't let him."
Most of these statements are NOT cruel or evil things to say, and I imagine they often come from a loving or affirming place..
BUT after an abuser belittles and disregards everything that matters to you, including your feelings and reality, it is extremely important to feel how you feel and not as though how you feel is wrong or foolish.
It is important to know what you feel is real and not crazy, nor is it something you can instantly force away.
You feel the way you do for a very real reason.
Denying your feelings and thoughts is denying yourself, and that never ends well..I mean, have you met a narcissist? They deny their 'self' harder than anyone else, and look at what happens..:/
Cognitive dissonance, trauma bond, or possibly even PTSD-No matter what you're dealing with, it's difficult for everyone. We all cope and process differently.
Sometimes one can't just toughen up. The mentality of just "sucking it up" and suppressing feelings is what creates a lot of abusive personalities to begin with. It is ok to feel and to express yourself.
Others probably do not intend to invalidate you, but the reason their dismissive words sometimes make you feel bad is likely because you aren't being fully considered or understood. Not everyone can provide that or know how to approach certain complexities appropriately.
How you feel is always valid; some places are just safer and more supportive than others. I don't talk to anyone other than you guys and a trained professional about this because most people don't understand or care. That's ok, but I hope you all have someone you can talk to who will actually listen and be compassionate towards you.
Even if a loved one doesn't completely get it, it is wonderful to have someone who cares enough to be supportive. I hope you have someone in your life who does that for you. You deserve it.
I hope my writings aren't offensive, that's not my intention. It is not meant to attack anyone for experiencing similar situations differently. I just really like to share my thoughts and feelings in a vulnerable, honest manner because I am sick of modifying my speech and paralyzing myself in fear even after he's gone.
Self-Gaslighting & Shame
When I first started learning about narcissistic abuse I attempted to wrap my mind around the massive impact our relationship had on me. I still couldn't make sense of it or fully believe I knew what I'd experienced.
I would think things like:
- How do I know if I'm right about anything??
- Did my lack of experience screw everything up?
- Am I just making excuses?
- Maybe I am insane. There is no way he did this to me intentionally.
- I cannot believe I get so livid at him now. I must be a bad person. I feel so guilty, maybe my heart isn't as big anymore. Something's wrong with me. I don't want to be mean. I'm no good..I want to be good to everyone, even him. Why can't I do what I'm supposed to do? Am I horrible? I should be ashamed that I can't handle this better.
- I should have known he was this way. I should have never spoken to him. It's my fault for falling for him.
- What is wrong with me!? How could I fall for another abuser when all I want is a kind, loyal man.
- Why can't I do anything right?
- Why wasn't I more careful!? How could I let this happen!?!? I worked so hard to get to where I was before I met him, then I threw it all away for someone who never cared about me. Maybe I don't deserve to be cared about.
- Maybe I was wrong throughout the entire relationship and I'm wrong now too. I'm always wrong.
- Maybe he really did love me. What if he was telling the truth!?
- Maybe he actually did think he wanted all he said he wanted on that first date. What if he just got scared?
- Was there a way to make it work? What if he can't help it?
- Maybe I needed too much.
- What if he isn't a complete loss, and I didn't handle his harmful behavior correctly?
- Why do I love him so much?
- Did I not make my support of him clear enough?
- Did I do something to make him do what he did to me on his birthday? Did the card and art really seem manipulative? Could I have done it better, and not set him off? Did I ruin his day? How could I do that to him? I didn't want to let him down, but I did anyway.
- Maybe if I had only been strong enough to stay myself after the abuse started he would have respected me more and treated me better. Maybe if I had just been better, he would've treated me right.
- He said he liked that I had backbone, maybe he hates me because I caved to him. So, is this all my fault for not being the way I should've been?
- Did I hurt him?
- Was I unfair to him?
- I probably am clueless and weak. No wonder he was so cruel to me. I'm aggravating.
- Maybe if I had lost some more weight and looked better he wouldn't have always needed to talk to other women.
- Maybe I didn't look pretty enough.
- Maybe he didn't want me more often because my body grossed him out.
- Maybe I talked too much. Was I too dramatic? I wanted everything to be ok and simple.
- Was asking to talk to him and be heard pushing too hard? Was wanting my boyfriend to call me more than once a month rude?.. Maybe he had a good reason to not want to talk to me.
- Maybe his sudden loss of interest had nothing to do with me, and I selfishly made it all about me?
- Was he really struggling with his PTSD like he said? Am I narcissistic? Am I too inconsiderate?
- What if he's only attracted to really young girls? Maybe my face was looking too old, I do have smile lines...
- What did I do wrong to make him treat me this way?
- Why couldn't I do right by him when that's all I kept trying to do?
- Maybe I just failed the both of us.
- What if I would have just kept suffering in silence instead of speaking up when I hurt? Maybe then he would've eventually stopped neglecting and ghosting me. Maybe if I had kept quiet even longer he would've actually wanted to hear from me.
- What could I have done better? I know I could have done more.
- Maybe he only failed me because I failed him.
- If I did enough, wouldn't things have turned out better?
- Why was trying as hard as I did not enough? I am never enough.
- I should be over this by now. I'm crazy.
- Why can't I be better?
- Does it still hurt because something is wrong with me?
- Maybe I am hopeless. What if I am only entertaining him and sharing too much again. Maybe I should go back into hiding like I was before.
- Why did I settle for nothing, but never hesitate to give him everything.
- I'm so stupid.
- All three of my boyfriends have been abusive, I must deserve this. I would be loved if I weren't so screwed up and frustrating.
- How much can I truly matter if I never matter to the one I give my best to? I guess I'd hate me too. I'm unlovable and unwanted, always have been. I need to just accept it and be able to get over it, but I can't because I fail at everything. Look at me feeling sorry for myself like a selfish baby. I'm a disgusting person. Maybe I should just-
All of this madness pops in my head throughout the day. It happened more often the first few months after the main discard, but it still gets stuck with me sometimes. I know it is incorrect, but there are moments I get lost in the self-doubt, self-blame, and self-loathing.
There are times when I think about myself in the negative, distorted way in which he saw me. I will start to see myself as all the insults and cruelty he threw my way.. But he was wrong.
Now the things that cross my mind are:
- How could he? How could he laugh at me and call me pathetic after everything? How could he have held me, 'loved' me, looked me in the eye, put me through so much hell, and then still laugh at me and belittle me when I reach out through email to say I'm hurting but will never try to hurt him because I love him? How could he mock that!? Mock kindness, sincerity, love and my suffering??? It makes no sense.
- Did I deserve it? Was he able to disrespect me and address me like I'm not even a person because I'm worth nothing? All those moments, all my love, all I gave him and all the mistreatment I endured...it is laughable to him?? He broke me and thinks it's funny?
- It's my fault. I shouldn't have given him my heart. Maybe I deserved him to laugh in my face. I was weak and pathetic for trying to be strong for his benefit? For being honest and open? For caring? I don't understand.
- I'm a joke. I've never mattered to anyone, I was an idiot to think I'd matter to him.
- I'm sure I deserved this. I'm not ever going to be accepted or good enough for anybody. No wonder he could hold me then laugh at me and pretend I didn't exist only a few days later. No wonder he could bring up never speaking to me again like it was easy, only a few days after saying he wanted us to be together forever. No wonder he would never help me or hear me.
- My pain never mattered to him, because I never mattered to him.
- Maybe I would have mattered to him if I were a better woman. I tried, but I guess I didn't try hard enough-I still failed.
- I wasn't worth loving, or even worth enough for him not to walk all over me the way he knew the others had.
- Maybe trying is pointless.
Thankfully my confidence is returning and my disgust with his cruel, empty heart increasing. I don't wish him ill, but I wish him far away from me and everyone else. No woman deserves the misfortune of falling in love with an incubus like him. That's a little mean, but it's accurate.