June 8th
06/08/2021
Documenting majority of my toxic relationship has had its benefits. Such as me being able to review patterns of behavior that make the abuse cycle more apparent, and making it easier for me to provide personal examples instead of only definitions of the narcissistic abuse terminology. However, it also makes certain dates harder to forget.
This day, one year ago, was my favorite day of our entire relationship. You know how certain pivotal moments in your life stand out? Such as learning how to ride a bike, your first kiss, finishing school, starting a career, getting married, having a child, or anything else unforgettable and/or life changing ? Well, falling in love with someone, after nearly a decade of avoiding all men/potential for romance, was a HUGE deal for me.
I am doing alright today. It isn’t the end if the world. I have my loveliest makeup on, and I'm getting out of the house..But I won't pretend that I don't feel hurt, confused and ashamed as I remember how much I cared about someone who never cared about me. I know I shouldn't feel ashamed of getting deceived and mistreated, but at this point, I still do.
Last year on this day, is when something big clicked in my mind. I remember exactly how it felt in that moment on June 8th when I realized that I was irrevocably in love with D.B. The significance of this seemingly random day is what was going on within my mind and heart at the time. I felt completely sure of what we had. I believed him when he told me how badly he wanted us to last, and how I meant more to him than anyone else ever had.
Suddenly, I had what I thought I would never be lucky enough to experience. I had let myself try, trust, and hope. I let myself share all of who I am with someone, on what I thought was a meaningful level. I believed he heard me, saw me, and accepted me. He hid the truth so well, and as a result, I allowed myself to fall completely in love with what was never there. Oops..
Everything that was deeply personal and special to me, was nothing to him. He had to have known I never stood a chance of making it out of this thing without acquiring serious damage. He simply did not care, or he enjoyed causing it. Either way, only how our 'relationship' benefited or hindered him mattered. How I was helped or harmed meant absolutely nothing. My feelings and needs never mattered in our relationship dynamic. But last year, I thought they did, because he claimed I did. His words could be so comforting, and the look on his face so damn sincere.
I was consumed with trying my best to be considerate enough of he and his supposed sensitivities, that I didn't bother to analyze his lack of consideration for me. I knew I was hurt when he acted like he didn't care about how his actions hurt me, but he always came back around with these amazing speeches about how much better he was going to start treating me. I was always more than willing to wait for my turn to be cared for and accommodated.
Then, in early June of last year, he had me convinced it was about to be my turn to have a kind and available partner too! On June 8th, he acted like the man he‘d been promising he was deep down. He swore he'd only been distant and angry because he was having such rough time, but that things were starting to look up for him-and us. Throughout June 2020 he was doing everything I had been waiting for. He was talking to me. He was spending time with me. He was acting vulnerable and speaking passionately about a future together. He was the man from our first date again, the one I'd been missing horribly.
I was relieved and happy to see that sweet and talkative man again. The one who actually acted like he cared and wanted me. I'd been waiting for him to come back so things could feel safe and connected again. So when he came back in full force claiming to be ready for all he'd said he wanted at the very beginning..I was filled with this incredible feeling. I had already suspected I loved him before, but this emotion was different. It was drastically stronger and more certain.
I was reassured, spoken to and comforted, FINALLY! He was finally tending to our relationship, and me! I wasn’t being ignored or criticized! It was powerfully elating. I had been so lonely and scared while waiting for him to be this way again. Now here he was in June, being so wonderful and sweet. I was blissfully entranced-At least for that brief moment in June.
I have a short summary of this day on this page: His Future-Faking. -June 8th section.
This day, one year ago, was my favorite day of our entire relationship. You know how certain pivotal moments in your life stand out? Such as learning how to ride a bike, your first kiss, finishing school, starting a career, getting married, having a child, or anything else unforgettable and/or life changing ? Well, falling in love with someone, after nearly a decade of avoiding all men/potential for romance, was a HUGE deal for me.
I am doing alright today. It isn’t the end if the world. I have my loveliest makeup on, and I'm getting out of the house..But I won't pretend that I don't feel hurt, confused and ashamed as I remember how much I cared about someone who never cared about me. I know I shouldn't feel ashamed of getting deceived and mistreated, but at this point, I still do.
Last year on this day, is when something big clicked in my mind. I remember exactly how it felt in that moment on June 8th when I realized that I was irrevocably in love with D.B. The significance of this seemingly random day is what was going on within my mind and heart at the time. I felt completely sure of what we had. I believed him when he told me how badly he wanted us to last, and how I meant more to him than anyone else ever had.
Suddenly, I had what I thought I would never be lucky enough to experience. I had let myself try, trust, and hope. I let myself share all of who I am with someone, on what I thought was a meaningful level. I believed he heard me, saw me, and accepted me. He hid the truth so well, and as a result, I allowed myself to fall completely in love with what was never there. Oops..
Everything that was deeply personal and special to me, was nothing to him. He had to have known I never stood a chance of making it out of this thing without acquiring serious damage. He simply did not care, or he enjoyed causing it. Either way, only how our 'relationship' benefited or hindered him mattered. How I was helped or harmed meant absolutely nothing. My feelings and needs never mattered in our relationship dynamic. But last year, I thought they did, because he claimed I did. His words could be so comforting, and the look on his face so damn sincere.
I was consumed with trying my best to be considerate enough of he and his supposed sensitivities, that I didn't bother to analyze his lack of consideration for me. I knew I was hurt when he acted like he didn't care about how his actions hurt me, but he always came back around with these amazing speeches about how much better he was going to start treating me. I was always more than willing to wait for my turn to be cared for and accommodated.
Then, in early June of last year, he had me convinced it was about to be my turn to have a kind and available partner too! On June 8th, he acted like the man he‘d been promising he was deep down. He swore he'd only been distant and angry because he was having such rough time, but that things were starting to look up for him-and us. Throughout June 2020 he was doing everything I had been waiting for. He was talking to me. He was spending time with me. He was acting vulnerable and speaking passionately about a future together. He was the man from our first date again, the one I'd been missing horribly.
I was relieved and happy to see that sweet and talkative man again. The one who actually acted like he cared and wanted me. I'd been waiting for him to come back so things could feel safe and connected again. So when he came back in full force claiming to be ready for all he'd said he wanted at the very beginning..I was filled with this incredible feeling. I had already suspected I loved him before, but this emotion was different. It was drastically stronger and more certain.
I was reassured, spoken to and comforted, FINALLY! He was finally tending to our relationship, and me! I wasn’t being ignored or criticized! It was powerfully elating. I had been so lonely and scared while waiting for him to be this way again. Now here he was in June, being so wonderful and sweet. I was blissfully entranced-At least for that brief moment in June.
I have a short summary of this day on this page: His Future-Faking. -June 8th section.