Laughing at Myself (A Crush)
(Originally posted 10/2021 - 5 /2022)
These are some posts I’d removed out of embarrassment once I became friends with the person I'd been focusing on. But ya know what— it was part of the learning process. 😌
If you cringe easily, this post is not for you.
Sections:
- Laughing at Myself
— Remembering the Little Things (10/2021)
— Not All About a Boy..
— Anatomy of an Adult Crush
- I Took Off (10/12)
- Oh No.. (10/24)
- Then I Took Off Again (10/26)
- Baby Steps (11/19)
— Time Management
— cPTSD Can Kiss My 🍑
- Laughing at Myself: Part II
— It Did Some Good 🖤 (12/2021)
— Hyper-focus
- Laughing at Myself: Part IV
— Me Behaving Horribly (3/2022) updated 11/2024* - Laughing at Myself: Part V
— The Incident: Triggered (3/2022)
— Thinking Errors I Exposed Him To (5/2022)
— If He’s Reading
— Clarity & Self-Affirmation
Laughing at Myself:
My Awkward Transition Back to Normalcy
Remembering the Little Things
Now that I've made enough progress to see a noticeable improvement, I'm starting to want things that I had forgotten I used to enjoy. It feels like waking up..Ya know, AFTER you've had some coffee.
I am remembering all sorts of little things that used to bring me happiness. The tiny, silly, and simple things that made my moments better. Something as simple as styling my hair, choosing the best pair of jeans to go with a blouse, or cooking something delicious and unhealthy because it's been a long day so calories no longer count. Seemingly insignificant tasks, yet all of those small parts of my usual routine made me happy..and being happy isn't small.
In a few areas I've kind of forgotten how to do what I used to do on a regular basis before the abuse grabbed ahold of me. I know that getting all gussied up every morning used to make me feel like myself. My perfected makeup and dolled up appearance was a way I liked to express myself.
I've forgotten the methods I used to get ready each day. I'm serious. I cannot fully recall things such as styling my hair so it'll stay cute even when I'm walking around a muggy campus. I can't figure out how I used to actually plan a productive day. I'm blanking on a lot of small things I know I enjoyed doing. All of my habits that used to give me my..shine? lol I don't know how to describe it.
I am slowly starting to remember the basics of how I used to function. I'm really happy to be able to enjoy every part as I rediscover all the simple things that used to bring me joy and make each day better.
Things like—
Waking up early and jamming out to music while painting my face.
Putting on outfits that flatter my curves so I could feel confident to walk out of my house.
Annoying the crap out of my son by blasting music and singing along when he refused to wake up for school.
All of that was never important to anyone else, but it made ME happy..the simple parts of life usually do. It got me excited about MY day, and I am going to start doing that again for myself. Life is short, and so am I..so bring on some high heels!
I also miss:
- Watching shows that I know are complete garbage, and enjoying every minute of it because I know I'll be able to talk to my sister about each episode.
- Laughing at juvenile humor while cracking my own cheesy or perverse jokes.
- Drawing and doing creative arts and crafts with my son...He has shelves of baked clay figures, pipe cleaner dolls/ homemade smash brothers characters, and cardboard playsets that he treats like gifts from Santa. I miss making things for him, even though I'm always stepping on his real toys enough already.
- Writing about things that aren't depressing or extraordinarily heavy. As well as focusing on things that aren't too philosophical in nature. My brain needs a break. There are calm, fun, and interesting things going on all around me too.
- Exercising, without doing so to try to look good enough for a man who told me I was going to get fat again. First off..I doubt it.. Secondly, if I did chunk up-I would rock it. If that boy could barely handle a me in a size medium, that's his problem not mine. I like my size 8 imperfectly adorable thick hourglass body shape thank you very much, you scrawny jackal. That was rude..Oh well, so was him failing to realize I make an excellent pillow. :P
- I miss this lighthearted feeling as well. I miss being silly and not caring if I'm weird or if other people don't approve. I miss being myself..D.B. was such an imbecile to not want me the way I was prior to him pushing me around and stifling me. Someone wiser than him will want me one day, if not, that is ok! I will be happy by myself, because anything is better than being stuck with a cruel creature like my ex.
He had my mind so hurt and lost that I forgot a lot, including many of the little things that made me who I am. I'm remembering now. I'm glad he's gone. I could barely smile when he was in my life, but I'm grinning like a complete goof right now at the thought of being anything like I was before he and I met. I was lonely and had my internal struggles sometimes, but I was happy for the most part.
I was different from who I am now, but I no longer view that as a bad thing. I will have the good parts of myself from before him, in addition to the stronger parts of myself from after him. All of it is going to fuse together, and I'm going to be even better. I'm remembering what brought me joy. I'm remembering who I was, appreciating who I currently am, and looking forward to who I'll become. He never deserved a chance with me, and now he doesn't stand one.
Not All About a Boy
I never intended for majority of this post to focus on how horribly I handle being around a man, yet that is sort of what has happened. The thing is, being attracted to someone for the first time since my abusive relationship ended is becoming a pretty good learning experience.
Sure, I do want to get to know the man I've been getting all hot and bothered by and blah blah blah, but I keep writing about the subject because of something other than the butterflies in my stomach. I've been writing to sort through things, as usual. Trauma is complex, but PTSD isn't some hopeless diagnosis that means I'll be frustratingly neurotic for life.
What it does mean is that I am going to encounter a few challenges while reintegrating myself into certain areas of life. I was not struggling to such an extreme extent prior to my relationship with D.B.. but that's okay. It happened, and now I am where I am. I'm still going.😌 Yup.
Over this past year I've learned a lot about abusive relationship dynamics, but now I'm having to learn how to take deep breaths and trust myself instead of continuing to cower in fear because the past was scary. All of that turns having a cute little "crush" into something that branches off in a few other directions. Trusting myself isn't consistently easy right now. Thankfully, I'm fully down to take on the challenge.
Some of the sections within this specific blog post are my way of accepting that I do still have a desire for companionship. Part of me (the fearful, avoidant part) was hoping I was done with men, and that I was going to become asexual or something..ha. 🐌 I was not expecting to be able to ever notice another man, let alone start enjoying to notice one! Dammit..
Not to take away from the adorably awkward crush I currently feel, but what has me worried and self reflective about it isn't him..not exactly.
I mean, the appealing thoughts about it revolve around him. Thinking about a man who hasn't treated me like garbage yet feels nice.. However, what I'm obsessively trying to understand and work through, in regards to all of this, is how to handle myself correctly around a man for once. That doesn't mean I think anything is going to necessarily happen with this one, but I still want to know I can do better than I used to whenever that day does come. I don't want to make the same mistakes that made it easy for men to harm me so badly in the past.
I don't want to worry that I'll only be drawn to cruel men. I want to know that I will not trust someone too quickly. But I also want to know that I won't fear people too much to ever let anybody in. It is a balancing act, and I am currently trying to figure out precisely where to step whilst moving forward in situations that have knocked me over and blinded me in the past. It's scary.
Something small and simple can be scary for me, because everything that has been horrifically painful started out as something small and simple too..
I would like to make my mind shut off sometimes, but relaxing is a tinnny bit difficult at the moment. l had a point, but I'm struggling to recall it.. lol. Oh yes, I remember.
Many of the writings on this page will discuss my response to a man I don't know but I do like. Some sections are merely me having fun talking about how outlandishly goofy I am acting because of that. But at the core, most of these writings are about how I'm struggling to navigate through what feels like brand new territory after a narcissistic relationship did a number on me.
It sounds sad, but it isn't sad for me. It means I'm trying to understand so that I can do things right, which means that I haven't given up on life or people. If I had, I wouldn't be trying to correct some of the disordered thinking abuse has left behind. I'm not going to live my life afraid of everything.
I may occasionally run off when I get scared, but I won't stay gone. I'll get myself together and come back for more until I can stand my ground with ease. I'll be smiling like an idiot (without a COVID mask to hide it) next time the guy who caught my eye sees me. That counts for something.
I'm not going to keep avoiding things and giving into the damage from my past. I'm not "damaged goods," I am a human being recovering from damage caused by hateful, damaging individuals. I'm not "goods" at all, I am a person...and I'm a decent one too! I'm going to find my footing. I'll get there, and later I will have my old detailed writings to look back on and see how. Messily, clumsily, and earnestly making my way y'all.
Basically, I'm writing out how I'm approaching being attracted to someone because it is a lot for me to process, and because it feels like exciting progress. Being able to get excited about something is awesome, no matter what it is, or how pointless it may seem.
A crush may not be a big deal in general..but if last year someone had told me that I would feel happy, enthused, or lighthearted about anything, I would've been certain they were mistaken. Hoping, wanting, and enjoying myself are all skills I'd lost for what felt like a very long time. Although my apprehension does sometimes cause me to over analyze things I'm intimidated by, it's still fun to be able to focus on something that doesn't hurt.
Having the hots for a man doesn't hurt, even when I start to worry about how I like to see his face. I will learn to accept that is alright to feel completely alright sometimes. That it is ok for me to stop constantly worrying about what is next. It is ok to for me to slip up and worry about worrying, and then for me to stop the madness once I'm able to take a step back and recognize it. LOL.
I may be responding abnormally to a man that increases my heartrate, but being able to think about something as normal as a feeling attracted to somebody makes me happy.
I haven't readjusted to life perfectly yet, but y'all..look at me—I'm living without being the miserable woman the abusers wanted me to be. I'm living with hope and belief that things will keep getting better. I'm cheerful and optimistic, even when I am confused or temporarily disappointed in myself for acting like a spaz. There's no stopping me now. ❤️
(10/12/2021)
I Took Off
Y'all, right when I thought I was starting to return to the confident and effective communicator I was before, my social awkwardness decided to reach a whole new level.
Here's the small incident that inspired this post. It me made laugh and realize how bizarrely I've been responding to a few simple things lately—
I lied for the first time in a long time today. But given the setting I was in, an honest explanation as to why I was running off would have been entirely inappropriate.
What happened was, I started being unable to stay focused on what I was supposed to be doing because my attention was captured elsewhere-I'll explain what had me distracted in a second- Not being able to divert my attention back to my work made me really nervous and flustered. It was weird that I couldn't ignore it enough to stay on task. Never have I ever had an issue quite as silly as this one.
So, like any other totally normal person would do, I took off. I left and drove home lol. I didn't really know what to say as I made my hasty exit out of the room, because I'm a horrible liar. I tried to think of something reasonable because I was determined to get the heck out of there as quickly as possible.
I can hear that scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail when they are repeatedly saying "run away" as they flee. Let me phrase this as eloquently as possible..—Guys, I was running away from having the hots for someone. Somehow it left me panicking and trying to avoid what exactly? What was I trying to protect myself from, potential day dreams? What in the actual hell got into me?
Apparently, I was having a moment. Never in my life have I bolted over something like that. I wanted to see this individual anyway. It wasn't a huge deal, but it was very unusual —even for me.
God, I hope I haven't developed too many more spastic responses to normal situations. I think it was funny, but who does that!? I am a grown woman, but it was like my inner voice said “Oh wow, he really appeals to me..I'd better get the hell out of here immediately!" ha. Because obviously, if you are curious about who a person is the best thing to do is to keep far away from them. That'll help🤦🏻♀️.
I'm ok with being weird and dorky, but I cannot afford to leave rooms and buildings over something like that. It's not as though I am a 12 year old girl that has just discovered boys exist..but dang, I sure felt like a stupid kid that didn't know what to do with herself. Hilariously odd. Oh well.
I will assume it was a fluke caused by my increased anxiety around men since what happened last time I was attracted to one..Anyway, in regards to me actually acting on my urge to rush out of there, what on earth was that? I still cannot understand how or why I got so incredibly nervous.
I was dropping everything and couldn't relax. It's official y'all.. I'm no longer depressed or bonded to an abusive narcissist, I have opted to become a clumsy weirdo/ creeper who has forgotten how to control herself instead.😂 Could be worse...at least I can laugh at myself for behaving strangely. Fight-or-flight response to nonexistent threat= I flew. I was out of there before I could even put much thought into it. I just knew that I was extremely nervous, restless and couldn't get my mind where it needed to be. Oh, and that royal blue looks very nice on him.
Well..ok then. As amusing as that moment was, I hope there's not a repeat. That was ridiculous, and a waste of gas. I needed to get a grip or be provided with a mild sedative. lol. By the time I reached my car to head home I was wanting to laugh. I could not believe I got scared and ran. Of what, and from what? Goodness gracious y'all..what the heck was that?
(10/19/2021)
I Didn't Take Off!
I was in the same situation today. I made it! Ha. I didn't panic or run away. I am inching closer towards not being a complete spaz, maybe. ;)
This time I focused on my work(mostly), even when I really wanted to look up. I'll try to stop being curious about him as soon as possible, because he seems like a decent person—so it's not like he would actually be attracted to me anyway! Get it? ..because I only attract jerks.😅
(10/24/2021)
Oh No
These days, I have zero 🦆s left to give in regards to maintaining perfect social decorum. I know what I think, what I feel, and what I want. So, it simply is what it is.
For those of you who enjoyed when I wrote about spazzing out around a man the other day—. Brace yourself, it's about to get stupid (again..) 😎
Lately I've been losing some of the limited brain power I'd barely begun to regain...Why? Because having a crush knocks out my ability to avoid acting like a total jackass. Over the past few weeks my mind has been preoccupied.
Uh oh.. I'm too old for this shit. Just kidding, it's fine. After everything I've been through lately, getting frazzled over a man doesn't hurt me one bit. If anything, it's pleasantly amusing. I'm ready to make fun of myself some more. I need a break from seriousness y'all.. Here's one.
—
I have no idea what I am doing. I do not know how to act. I have no idea how to handle something as simple as..attraction?? A crush? Chemistry? A delusion? ha. I don't even know what it is. There is just this person that I don't know, but for some reason, I think that I would like to.
I'll probably never get to know this man, and that is ok. If he is already taken or finds me repugnant, that's not a problem either! Heck, I don't know the guy, he could have no desire to get to know new people. I'm most excited about the fact that I've been able to become curious about a man after what the last one put me through. It's a really good indicator that I'm not going to keep myself closed off from people just because I've been hurt by the worst of them. That's awesome. It also solidifies that D.B. is officially history.(the kind that needs to no longer repeat itself🤦🏻♀️)
When I first met D.B. I was around him multiple times a week for a couple of months without feeling any pull towards him whatsoever. I didn't get interested in him until after he started pursuing me. Yet this gentleman, whom likely has no interest in me, managed to pique mine without telling me stories.. or much of anything, actually. Nice.
Before I explain my most recent spaz out, I'm going to rewind this for y'all— The first time I met this man I thought he was odd. That is not a bad thing. I found it endearing and respectable that he seemed to do his own thing. It's refreshing. He seemed down to earth. All good qualities. I didn't think he was unattractive, but the thought of developing some type of romantic interest in him did not cross my mind initially. Nope.
Let's see..that was back in August. At that time, I was no longer "in love" with D.B., but my unhealthy attachment to him was still tugging at me. He had shown back up in early July and messed with my head. I was pretty aggravated with myself for letting that happen..So when I was first around this guy I was still coming back down from my usual temporary insanity that follows hoovers.. My mind was exhausted.
That mess had me feeling pretty ashamed of myself. I was too worn down to feel much of anything else in the like/lust/romance department. I was trying to get myself back together from a setback. I definitely wasn't thinking about men or falling in like. Yes, I said that. Cute huh? I had important work to do, guys were the last thing on my mind.
I was going about my business. I was around him maybe two times when things were still platonic. I did observe him, because I thought he was peculiar. Once again, not a bad thing. I'm not sure what it was about him that I found unusual. Maybe he seemed that way because I'm only used to being around boring, arrogant men.🤣
One day I noticed something different. I don't know if I had a booger on my face, if my perfume smelled funny, or if he had magically learned things about me through telepathy ..but for some reason, he seemed like he knew something I wasn't expecting him to. That makes no sense, but that's the best I can explain it. I had a gut feeling.
Something had shifted. Whatever. Suddenly, the tiny bit of curiosity I had rejected prior came back up, and I became rather interested in getting to know him. Oh no..I'm really not sure where that came from or why I couldn't ignore it.
That progressed into, well, me respectfully wanting to know him better and getting very attracted to him. I care more about learning a person, but the lust aspect of this little whatever it is just crept up on me. I'm trying not to think that way too much because it feels rude, and I don't want to cheapen the fact that I'm actually curious about who he is. Prioritization y'all..
However, my mind is stubborn, and apparently so are my hormones! HA. Seriously though, I'm not going to reduce my view of someone to just one aspect of them. That's not cool. I do like that he caught my attention without telling me stories or giving me creepy stares. No..I was the one doing all the creepy stares. It was nice, he held good eye contact.. It was interesting, and 🔥.
What appeals to me most about this person, is the energy he gives off. I don't mean that in a hippie way..His presence feels like the opposite of D.B.'s..which makes me like it even more. I find him to be engaging, but not in a smooth, manufactured way..Which once again, is a good thing.
I'm not stupid though, I know that I do not know him. I'm fully aware of that. Pretty sure knowing your "crush" well is not a requirement. He could secretly be psychopath. I don't know. He doesn't give me that vibe..Regardless, it is ok if he is a horrible man, because he is also a stranger..and I know how to proceed cautiously if he's ever lucky enough to become more than that. lol- Was that too cocky? Nah! I am fun, weird, cute and kind. A good man would feel lucky to get to know me, just as I would feel lucky to get to know a good man. Tahdah! Goes both ways.
So there's that. Now, moving on to my spaz out- Here we go again. I didn't spaz out last time I was around this person, but my thoughts sure did shortly afterward.
I'm attempting to learn how to trust my intuition again, but it's going to take me a minute. In the most basic of situations, I'll interpret things and think I have a good understanding. But when what I sense is going on happens to be something very positive, I suddenly get apprehensive. It isn't a constant issue, but it pops up and rains on my parade. Especially in regards to men😒. Rude.
I was having fun being interested in that man I don't know..but then I had to go and start thinking I was misreading everything because I'm an infatuated doofus. No idea why it mattered to me either way.
This is how my self-doubt started to ruin my good time:
- I went from enjoying making eye contact with him, to thinking I scare the man when I look at him that way.
- I went from thinking the attraction was mutual, to thinking he probably thinks I look gross.
- I went from thinking he was flirting, to thinking I'm deluded.
- I went from being giddy, to thinking I'm an idiot for letting my mood be lifted by something so small.
- I went from feeling he could possibly enjoy my company if he got to know me, to feeling he would only think I was too damaged.
- I went from not worrying and just wanting to have fun with the pleasant feeling, to thinking I needed to stop because he's probably too good for me and completely uninterested.
Isn't that fun?..
Ugh. Having a "crush" is such a simple thing, but my struggle to trust I know certain things is frustrating.
I know it isn't a life or death situation, but I still hate being insecure about it. I don't want to require so much reassurance. I was feeling positive about it, then one thing happens-like him not trying to talk to me after class-and then boom..I start thinking worst case scenario.
I start feeling incredibly foolish and want to go hide. But hey, at least I didn't run off. I am foolish, it's alright..It isn't a big deal if he doesn't reciprocate the little infatuation I have, but I still went ahead and sat around wondering about it anyway!
My thoughts went from happy and simple, to this:
- "He probably has a girlfriend or fiancée, and I'm creeping him out."
- "Oh no, I bet he wants me to stop looking at him. I probably made that poor man so uncomfortable!"
- "I imagined it. I'm ridiculous."
- "Why in the world do I care? What am I doing? Why am I thinking about this? Don't I have a million other things going on?"
- "I don't even know him! This is completely idiotic.."
- "I'm being too awkward about this. Better watch out, my dating inexperience is starting to show." 🤣
- "I need to cut it out and leave the poor dude alone!"
- "Nice men don't ever try to get to know me anyway. So why do I have to go and get curious about someone who doesn't seem like a complete jerk?"
- "Wait, if I'm attracted to him..maybe he is a psychopath? I can't only be attracted to bad people, right?"
- "Why don't nice men ever get interested in me? Do I look too mean? Too ugly? Too cute? Do I make them nervous? Is it the huge boobs? Or..do I freak them out because it is obvious I am thinking stupid crap like this?"
- "Do I have to pretend I'm uninterested? I don't know how to act cool and aloof. That's not me. I don't know how to play the stupid game of chase men supposedly prefer. I don't wanna..I don't like games, it feels like fake bullshit. Maybe that's the problem.. Oh well. I'd rather start buying cats in preparation for my future alone than to start pretending I don't know what I want."
- "Geeeeze. I'm so curious dang it! He looks like he gives great hugs. I'd like a hug. No. I need to stop that! Bad."
Y'all..I'm a hot mess. But don't act like your internal dialogue has never once resembled something like this before.🤣 I did say I would write about anything and everything...remember?
Here's my game plan..
I'm only kidding, I don't actually have one. I'm weird, but I'm not that weird. I'm not chasing after a guy I don't know, nor will I try to win him over. I obviously want to get to know the man, and I think he's sexy..but I'm not forcing it. I'm either wanted or I'm not. If he were interested in me, all I'd want is to get to know him and see where it goes (or doesn't go) naturally. Simple. Calm. Interesting. And potentially really fun. Having a "crush" makes people behave like idiots. That's common knowledge isn't it? I can't be the only person who gets all hyper, clumsy, curious and self conscious.
All I'm going to do now is continue going about my business. Most things that used to embarrass me don't anymore. I prefer being straight forward..I don't need a man, but I'm not going to try to prove a point by pretending I don't want one. 😅 I'm regaining my confidence, which means it is becoming much easier for me to know what I want.
So..I'll be keeping my eye out, but if I feel like nobody is keeping theirs on me, I'll simply let this fun little "crush" I feel go. That'll be alright.
There is a very good chance that I'll make a complete fool of myself later on. I suspect I did exactly that by sharing all of this with you. 🤣 I may write about this again if I end up doing something extraordinarily stupid. 🤷🏻♀️ But I really don't think there's anything left to say on this subject. Pretty sure I covered it all. I'm going to go overthink about something else now. Have a wonderful night y'all. 🖤
(10/26/2021)
Then I Took Off Again
Oh my goodness! Not again! If I would've been this level of skittish when I first met my ex, we never would've dated. lol. I only acted jumpy when he went to hug me before I knew him well. Hm. But I like where I am now, so I'm glad that it didn't happen differently back then. I'm happy with where I'm currently at, but this fight-or-flight response of mine needs to get ahold of itself. Now please.
I wanted to be calm. I wanted to say something. I wanted to at least smile or look in that direction. But..I unexpectedly became absolutely terrified, and not in the cute nervous way. Leading up to that moment, I was perfectly fine. I was nervous and happy. Then, I felt something familiar. It was something simple and healthy, but it quickly made me feel very vulnerable. I panicked. It happened extremely fast. I wish I could explain it. It's frustrating..and makes me feel like an idiot.
I was feeling totally normal, but then it was like severe fear hit me out of nowhere. It felt horrible, and I had an overpowering urge to escape/hide. I felt like I had to. I didn't stop to understand why it was happening because I was too afraid to think straight. My mind was occupied by only one thing—my need to protect myself from the "danger" I felt I was in.
Within an instant, I'd been mentally transported to somewhere that felt highly unsafe. I immediately responded in a way that I apparently felt would restore my sense of security..You know, by speed walking my ass out of there while avoiding eye contact. At least it was after class ended, so darting out the door as quickly as possible looked halfway normal. It didn't feel normal. That's why I added a section titled, cPTSD Can Kiss My 🍑
Everything is fine now. I got it straightened out with the assistance of an expert. I will discuss what caused the intense and unwanted response I had, and how I'm going to stop it from impacting me and my behavior the way it has been in certain circumstances lately. Sounds good to me. 🥳 At least I'm back out in the world making these adjustments, instead of isolating myself at home getting nowhere.
There's a positive! I've straightened out much bigger messes than this before. I'm not too scared to figure out how to stop being scared!! :)
(11/19/2021)
Baby Steps
I think my intuition probably is broken. Oh well. If not, all I have to say is... I was not frazzled because of an assignment or practical. Nor was I having a rough day. Come on! I had a lot of energy that I'm not used to handling. I tried. I didn't completely avoid. I even remembered to breathe. Impressive, isn't it?? Maybe next time I will also remember how to participate in a conversation! High aspirations.
I was around that man for a few minutes today.. You know what that means. I acted like an idiot. I'm still a nervous spaz around this person. I practically begin to stutter. It's normal to be nervous around someone you're attracted to. However, the anxiety I sometimes experience because of it feels a bit excessive. I'm working on it. At least I'm only jumpy around half of the human population.
I'm gradually getting less foolish about all of this. I'm still nowhere near graceful or calm. I'm trying. All I want to be able to do is relax and act like myself. Shouldn't that be easy? I suppose eventually I won't see every man as a threat. I'm handling things better than I was a month ago! I'm no longer terrified of him..or of whatever it was that spooked me. I actually haven't felt frightened much lately.
In regards to the crush-territory, I'm still curious about him. I think he's very appealing. l just do. My mind has managed to climb out if the gutter. lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm very attracted to him.. but I'm too busy wondering about who he is and if he's nice.
That's a good thing. He seems intelligent. I'm really curious about how he thinks. He seems like a thinker, and I bet his thoughts aren't asinine or obnoxious. I don't know him, so I'll try to stop making assumptions. Maybe he only has the emotional depth of a small puddle? I doubt it.
I cannot help if I'm intrigued. Well, I could let it go and move on from the curiosity..but there's no harm in enjoying it for a couple more weeks. Right? I don't think we will be getting to know one another. I kind of thought he was curious about me too, but my mind never lets that type of thinking last long.
After dating Mr. Gaslight-extraordinaire, I often doubt my ability to understand things unless there are massive signs with flashing neon lights and arrows directly overhead. True story. Still working on that. Sometimes I temporarily revert back to not trusting that I can comprehend anything properly. Isn't that fun!?😑 It's fine. I know the rebuilding phase can take a minute. My trust in myself is steadily increasing as time goes by. Anyway.. back to the fun part—
I was around that man for a few minutes today. Obviously, that means I got really anxious and my personality shut off. When I was around him today-
My thoughts went like this:
- "Oh no. Why am I here? Why did I agree to this? Oh yeah, because I wanted to.."
- "I don't know how to talk to this person. Is it safe? Wait, what does that even mean?!?"
- "What a charming face. Oh God, I'm staring."
- "Why did I just empty out my entire bag!? Why am I so shaky?"
- "Why am I acting like this? I thought I wasn't going to be anxious today. It's not a big deal. He's just a person."
- "Shit! Why do they keep popping out!? This is embarrassing. I wanted to look cute, not like a tramp incapable of purchasing a top that's the correct size! I should've worn that bra that smooshes them down."
- "Do I look gross today? I'm tired. I bet I look so haggard. Wait, who cares? That's not important. Focus woman!"
- "I took my Vyvanse this morning and still have the attention span of a squirrel when I'm nervous?"
- "I need to listen and respond to him. He's offering help."
- "Oh crud. I can't recall the few specific things I wanted to get his advice on.."
- "I'm incredibly nervous."
- "There they are again! If they're distracting me they must be distracting him. Usually I just push them back down..but I can't exactly stick my hand down my shirt to readjust my tits right in front of him! Oh dear God.. Maybe they'll stand out less if I relax my posture. Oh f*#k!. That made more cleavage! I give up. He's a grown man, he'll survive boobs in his face. I need an oversized sweater."
- "I had good questions. What were they? Why can't remember!?. What did I want to talk to him about? I had intelligent ideas that I wanted run by him. Where'd they go? What the?.."
- "I'm being rude. He giving me great suggestions. That's what I'm here for! Well, mostly. He knows why I'm here. I could've messaged him from a safe distance without losing my ability to think..But nooo. Ha. Oh well. It is nice to get to see him for a second. He's adorable. Goodness gracious..🤦🏻♀️ I'm such a dumbass."
- "I should've stayed home today. I need stretchy pants, coffee, and some breakfast for lunch."
- "I'm barely interacting with him while he is offering me all sorts of productive feedback. I'm quietly mumbling useless responses and worrying. I have nothing to add!?"
- "What did I just say to him? Was that even a sentence?"
- "I'm just going to make this man talk to a wall? Why has my personality retreated? This is stupid."
- "I'm not quiet. I crack jokes. I am a great conversationalist! But now I can't speak my mind or find the bits of it I need?"
- "He doesn't seem mean.."
- "I want to talk to him about anything other than this. I can't. I'd unfreeze if I could speak freely. That's ok. Maybe later."
- "Wait a minute. How can I overthink all of this while I'm failing to form any coherent thoughts pertaining to what we're supposed to be discussing ?"
- "I need to make sure I remember what he's saying. He knows what he's talking about. At least someone in this room does! Ha.
- "Oh lawd have mercy. This is funny. I can't even move correctly right now. I've gone full stupid. Again! I thought I was comfortable around him. What is happening? Why does he make me turn into an idiot??"
- "Snap out of it woman! I have things to do. More importantly, I shouldn't be wasting his time. He didn't get to finish his food. Did I interrupt his meal? Sorry. I'm sure he has a lot of things to do. I should leave him alone."
- "Let's start putting this stuff back in my backpack. Oh great, I'm all shaky again. Please don't let me drop all of these papers.."
- "Thank goodness, another person. Now I can take off without having to say much else. I've acted awkward enough already."
- "Yup. I'm going. I want him to be able to finish his food and coffee in peace. I'm out of here."
- "Did I get all of my stuff? Ok..I better not lean too far over to grab my bag. This stupid shirt keeps slipping. "
- "I need some coffee. Alright sir, time for me to make another graceful exit. Fabulous.. Oops. It wasn't that bad. I just couldn't talk or act like myself."
- "He's handsome. He looks so relaxed. I want to be relaxed too."
- "Oh, he noticed the buttons."
- "I need to go have some fun and mellow out for a few days. Yeah. I'm going to do that. Ooooooooo Thanksgiving! Food is about to happen. Ok. I want yams. I'm good."
- "I hope he's going to have a nice break and get to be lazy. Bet he'll watch a lot of football."
- "Maybe I should stop by Nichole's house? She loves drinks and company..I'd like both."
I'm trying not to freak out as I push myself into situations I'm unreasonably fearful of. Being around handsome face feels like a goofy form of exposure therapy, among a few other things. I didn't get upset or scared around the man. I was able to be there. I was almost able to be mentally present too. Ha.
I only became nervous and incredibly insecure. That's not so bad! Go me 🥳— It didn't mess up my day or make me start panicking uncontrollably. I didn't get sad or stuck worrying after I walked away. I chuckled at myself and went about my business.
I did decide I felt like writing about it. A few of you seem to enjoy the comically chaotic thought process this little situation evokes. Sorry it's taking forever. I've been out and about instead of sitting still at home overanalyzing everything that makes me wonder. I've mastered doing that on the go. 😉 lol.
Nah. I actually didn't this time. I was good to go. I hung out with my brother and I took my kid on a date to see Ghostbusters. (FYI-It was actually cute.) Anyway..I don't have a life planned today, so I might be able to finish writing this after I figure out what to cook. Bear with me y'all.
That reminds me.. He mentioned how it's best not to address readers/audience with slang like y'all. He's right. I almost snorted as a laugh slipped out. It was funny because I know I've been writing as if I'm talking directly to you guys for the past few months. It's ok! I'm no professional writer.
Obviously. My misuse/overuse of semicolons and commas should illustrate that. Comma splices here, comma splices there. No matter what I write, comma splices everywhere! 🤓 You're welcome. Oh, and randomly switching back and forth between my air quotes being expressed like "this" and 'this.' I know. I know. It's ok, y'all. 😂 This portion of the webpage is practically a live journal. Slang, poor grammar, and TMI will remain.
Time Management?
Where have my time management skills gone? It used to be much less difficult for me to properly prioritize my tasks and spend the appropriate amount time on each one. I was a lot more productive when I was able to organize my daily/weekly responsibilities. That is something I am struggling to remaster right now. I was such a good student at McNeese. Well, not when I attended in 2008, but I was when I went back in 2020.
Since this semester started, I have often been distracted, tired, or incredibly overwhelmed when I try to begin assignments or start studying. I will sometimes just sit at the desk in my bedroom stressing about the work I am afraid I can't do right—instead of actually getting started so it'll be done!
Oh no..that's not going to work. It is quite infuriating. It isn't the same as how I procrastinated when I was a younger. It isn't about laziness or putting it off because I'd rather be doing something else. I will literally be doing nothing-not even working on this webpage- I'll simply be sitting there feeling like what I want to do is impossible.
I'll feel stuck and get absolutely no schoolwork done. It's as if I decide I can't do it before I even truly assess the challenge. It's completely illogical. I do not appreciate it one bit. It's definitely getting in my way. It isn't healthy behavior. I better put the work in to modify it.
I'm going to find a way to fix it. Yup. My stubborn butt is going to figure it out, one way or another. I refuse to let stress and anxiety cause me to stand in my own way. Not gonna happen.
I can't just freeze up and avoid things that scare me or make me nervous..unless I want to keep awkwardly leaving rooms and falling behind in classes. That doesn't sound pleasant. I'm going to face this annoying anxiety that used to interfere much less, and make it interfere less again.
I need to find a way to relax and be my confident, slightly cocky self again. ;) That made taking on big tasks drastically less intimidating. It actually made it fun, because I knew I wouldn't back down until I accomplished whatever goal I'd set. I refused to fail. Where'd that boldness go? I'd like it back now please. Maybe it is kind of back, since my goal is to refuse to quit until that part of my personality returns. Nice.
One little piece at a time y'all..I am putting myself back together one little piece at time. I've got this, but please wish me luck anyway. I'm making progress.. At least I can choose a solid starting point to work towards remedying this frustrating issue.. So that's something!
A girl still has to take breaks to snack in between tests and reviews. I'll let you know when my dry erase board is back in its rightful place, on my wall with goals listed and little checks in all of the boxes next to them. Yes, that's how I used to always make sure I got things done.. A giant dry erase board and a plethora of colorful markers—🤓
cPTSD Can Kiss My 🍑
I'd like to be able to discuss a few of the triggers that I struggle with in more detail..but my ex still looks at this page. The last thing I want to do is provide him with additional information about what upsets me. I never know how bored he'll get. :/ So, I'm going focus on the trigger I've already disclosed all over this page—men. Currently, just that one man.
It probably isn't difficult for you to guess why men make me uneasy. What has every man I've allowed to get close to me done? Yeah. I need to give myself a break, but I'm pretty aggravated with how I've been handling it. I really wasn't expecting to be this jumpy! It's humiliating. That's one way to keep myself nice and safe—by scaring everyone off. Oops.
I've been happy with how steadily my confidence has been improving, but when I get fearful and act out of character I start thinking about a few of D.B's insults. Unfortunately, right after I have a weak moment I'm usually inclined to agree with some of his cruel assessments. That doesn't last long anymore, but freaking out and acting bonkers does make me feel ridiculous. It'll get better.
Triggers are..triggering. It happens. I don't want to get scared and run away from people. I want to relax and be my funny, friendly self..I was not this tightly wound before! I avoided romance, but I never became frightened enough to freak out simply because I was around a man I wanted. This is new.
It may take me a little longer to get comfortable around certain people..But hopefully taking the time to seek out assistance with better understanding/ managing my triggers will help me act like myself around everyone a little sooner? It's possible!😎 I was comfortable at first..but then I reacted to an unexpected jolt of fear instead of practicing mindfulness. Apparently, my mind thinks enjoying seeing someone is dangerous. lol. Okay? 🤷🏻♀️ I'll get back to normal (my version of it) soon enough. I'm still warming up.
So, I went to see my trauma recovery person in hopes of learning how to stop responding so strongly to simple situations. Y'all, I'm not afraid of the man who is still a stranger, I'm afraid of the possibility of letting anyone get close to me.
I would think that a simple crush/attraction wouldn't be a bother..It shouldn't be, because many "crushes" don't go anywhere. However, when it starts to seem like the attraction/interest could be mutual, that means somebody could potentially end up in a position where they could easily hurt me. I know that sounds crazy, but I'm nervous for a good reason.
I accept that I have to find a way to reroute things in my thought process so I can remain in control of myself, instead of letting fear and old habits take the lead. I will master this. I'm determined to get myself and my life back.
I'm getting closer. Every spaz out leads to a new discovery, followed by some self- improvement. Every set back ends up pushing me forward. Continuous progress. 😊
Laughing at Myself : Part II
(12/2021)
It Did Some Good
🖤
I'm going to be as serious as I can be regarding my appreciation for developing a crush on someone.
I know that it's odd to be thankful for something like that, but oh well. Ready??
At first, having a little crush was useful because it distracted me from what kept breaking my heart. But it wasn't long until I stopped distracting myself from a bunch of painful things. I had let them go. Woot! I stopped worrying about D.B. and began to focus on caring for myself.
Being attracted to someone probably seems mundane to most people.. So I get that having a crush wasn't the most crucial thing I had going on in my life, but it was still something good.
I hadn't felt anything that simple and positive in a while.. So, the little bit of goodness it made me feel was sort of the catalyst that led to me rediscovering everything else good I'd forgotten about.
I started to remember and want more for myself. I needed that reminder. I'm happy I got it. Prior to feeling joy over my curiosity with a boy.. I'd had some breakthroughs and bursts of confidence.
I'd fought hard. I'd started feeling like a human being again. I'd registered for school during one of my more solid moments. I was so proud of myself for being strong enough to finally jump back into life..
I had some decent hours every once in a while. I felt like I was slowly becoming a part of the world again. I was making progress, but there had still been something holding a big piece of me back. I felt like I was never going to be free of the heaviness D.B. left behind.
I thought I'd lost my ability to enjoy life the way I used to. That all changed once I got fascinated by something I thought I'd never be interested in again.
What I was enjoying happened to be something I planned to avoid. If that could be felt and make me smile..then I knew I was capable of gaining back my ability to feel other things too.
My mind had this new man on it, but that's not what it revolved around..(at first lol).
Seeing that I could feel ok, move on, and start living as myself again.. Well, all of that caused my recovery process to start progressing more rapidly.
Every single little thing I accomplished or rediscovered gave me confidence to keep going in that direction. When all of that became more steady, and I was certain of where I was headed, something 'basic' took over my head.
Yup. I was officially healed enough for my crush on a stranger to intensify. Oh lawd.
I had been discovering so many great things about myself, it was awesome! Then I decided I wanted to discover him. haha.
I wanted to know who the heck he was. I wanted to know why I wanted to know him. I wanted to know who had managed to make me go full stupid! I wanted to get a chance to see what that was all about.
Don't get me started on when the physical attraction began getting to me. Oh goodness. That was something else.
Anyway. I'm happy about where I am. It was really nice to be captivated by someone, even if I have no idea who they are! I'm thrilled that I was able to get to that point.
Y'all, I wanted to avoid men for at least an eternity, but then all of the sudden I wanted to climb on top of one! To give him a hug..ya perverts. Did you laugh? That was my intention. Sorry, kind of.😝 I'm a big fan of comedic relief. Uncomfortable laughter is still laughter!
I'm not mad or devastated that this fun little situation I liked is over. I just wish my life had more people I enjoyed being around in it. Oh, and I wish I wouldn't have gotten so confused and started doubting myself. That's alright. It always is.
Yuppers. :) I'll never quit. Well, I'll quit being interested in someone unavailable. But I won't quit anything else!
Hyper-focus
I read over my Laughing at Myself post so I could try to notice some of the patterns I've been learning about recently. It was A LOT. No surprise there! I can be pretty extra. I unlocked the first one again today, because, why not? 🤷🏻♀️
Over the course of a few months I became ridiculously focused on the situation, not 'obsessed' with the individual himself. The situation being, me noticing a man the way I noticed him. That was not something I expected. I figured I wouldn't notice men for at least a few years because of what I was recovering from. But exactly why did I care so much and feel so intensely about all of it?? I know the answers now.
It wasn't that my interest in him was so incredibly powerful that it stole all my attention.. It wasn't that I felt some magical connection. That's just not how my mind works. I believe in attraction, curiosity, infatuation, appreciation, and authentic love (the kind you choose and commit to).. but I don't believe in 'soul mates'- If you do, there's nothing wrong with that. Go for it! But even without belief in magic or love at first sight, I was still hella smitten and intrigued. I felt something other than my panic and wants.
I'm in no way claiming he wasn't interesting or that the attraction wasn't strong, but I didn't know crap about him, I still don't. Although feeling chemistry with someone is a super awesome and intense thing, that's not what I became 'obsessed' with, even when I thought it was.
What became my obsession, & why—
I've already touched on my need to know a few times.. Not surprisingly, there was much more to it than that. More so, there was much more behind that.
It's clear that I became obsessed with trying to understand what was going on.. That way I could know what I was supposed to do.. And just as I am doing right now..I was obsessively reviewing every detail of the situation and my behavior.
Logically, it seems that if one is able to see what they are up against they will stand a better chance at making it out unscathed.. Right? Yeah..that makes sense... But what happens when you mix in a lack of trust in oneself with that?
What happens when someone is constantly trying to know exactly what is going on and what she should do, but also doubts her very own perceptions and intelligence at the same time?
Often my drive to analyze everything goes too far and causes damage.. Which is very unfortunate, because the entire reason I instinctively 'overthink' is to prevent additional damage. I overthink when I'm intimidated and confused.
It hurts a lot to look at this particular pattern of mine, because I don't know how to stop—
It all boils down to one main thing. The one thing I've been trying my best to deny and fight off. The force that drives practically every single thing I do. Fear. I live afraid. I always try to make sense of everything, because nothing has really ever made sense to me, not on a level that leaves me feeling certain and secure.
I grew up surrounded by the illogical behaviors of those I cared for. Then all my romantic relationships served as different versions of the same thing. Constant twisting of everything around me..warping of my world until I didn't know where I stood, or if my eyes were ever going to be capable of properly seeing the ground beneath me.
I get more emotional reflecting on this PTSD symptom than I do with most of the others. So I'm going to let myself stop trying to think with sound logic for a few minutes, and just write how I feel. I'm going to give myself a second to express the shitty hurt that exists, instead of trying to reason it away.. but I'm sure reasoning will pop up anyway. And too bad, because I'm giving myself a break-
Even as I sit here trying to stop thinking about things in a way that's constantly working to make sense of everything, I'm still doing it. I'm tired. I'm always thinking as if I can think my way out of pain. But I can't. I keep thinking like it's going to keep me safe, but this kind of thinking really won't. I'm thinking and thinking about what I should think and why I should think it.. Always thinking to avoid thinking about something else.
When I noticed I was attracted to that man, I saw and pointed out many positives about having a crush, but my mind wouldn't stop there. I tried to hold on to my optimism, but no matter how joyful I would feel, I was still so afraid. I don't know how not to be. There was no opponent up against me, but instead of being able to relax and enjoy the pleasant feeling something so simple was bringing to me, all I could do was try to map out the entire situation so I could watch my step.
I tried so hard to see what was around me, to avoid making all the mistakes I felt I had made before. I tried to understand what was going on so I could behave correctly, but I still ended up tripping all over the place.
I got turned around trying to make sure I knew which direction I was supposed to go in.. but I couldn't trust I knew anything, or that I deserved certain outcomes. I kept thinking as if thinking more was going to make my head stop spinning around in circles..I kept thinking about what I was so afraid of, but wasn't facing why it caused me so much fear.
I believed thinking could prevent or end my fear and pain, but thinking about how to move about one thing was just my way of running from the realization of what hell had fueled another. I liked this guy. I had a good feeling. But I've been shown my entire life not to trust my feelings, or my own judgment. I've seen what happens. I've seen the messes I make, and the messes I get pulled into. I was so afraid to even entertain the idea of getting to know someone, or to want someone on any level.
I had no faith in myself. The little I'd built up throughout the years had been destroyed by my last partner. The beauty, intelligence, and potential I used to feel I possessed…I no longer believed it was there anymore. Part of me still doesn't. I didn't feel there was anything to see, so when the person who caught my eye started seeming like he was looking at me, I didn't understand why.
I tried to just roll with it, but everything I looked forward to and enjoyed brought along with it fear of it all either being something else I was too stupid or crazy to see..or something I'd like just so it could be taken or run away from me.
It all hurt..so I obsessed to try to reassure myself that it was ok, that I had valid reasons to feel this or do that.. I had to defend myself against myself because all I've ever known is to believe I'll always do wrong. I think and think and think, like maybe if I think enough, I'll finally be able to do things right.
And if I do things right, maybe nobody else will feel the need to do me wrong- Like, if I become a decent and tough enough person, people won't hurt me because I won't deserve it.. So it seems I still place blame for how others have hurt me on my failure to be someone worth not hurting-
I'm always trying to be better, and to be more careful. I'm always thinking of ways to move about things and the world correctly. I'm always thinking of ways to do the right thing for the right reasons. Then sometimes I'm stuck thinking about nothing but the ugly thoughts I have about myself. Like if I were less awful, people I love would treat me with respect.
There are too many thoughts. I'm always trying to be patient enough, open enough, strong enough, honest enough, positive enough, realistic enough, pretty enough, slim enough, selfless enough, safe enough. I dive into CPTSD to learn how to better myself. Which is admirable and healthy, but then I see that part of me is still doing it. I'm still trying to find ways to be enough. I'm always trying to 'fix me.' I put all the blame for the pain I've felt and feel on myself and my faults, just as I did as a child.. and so the only thing I can control, the only variable I can change is myself. But sometimes I'm not the problem..and there is plenty about me that doesn't need to change or improve.
Yet I continuously feel like if I can just be strong, stable, and smart enough everything will finally be ok. But it won't be, at least not for that reason..because I'm not the reason I'm in this state. I'm responsible for moving forward and growing..yes.. But when will I stop treating myself like I'm too broken, and just start treating myself like I'm me? Why do I always have to look at myself like there's something so terribly wrong with me? I'm not sure. So I think about it, and try to make it feel better. I think about it to feel I have power to make it better, because I don't want to remain feeling hopeless and helpless.
I have to do something.. so I think..and often still feel as though I'm not thinking enough, or that I'm thinking too much. I'm seeing and treating myself like I'll always do everything wrong, because that's what I was taught at a time when I was learning how to relate to myself and to everyone else.
They put it into my head that I will never do anything right, and that I'll never be who I'm supposed to be. Thus I think.. I think and try to understand situations in an attempt to do what I feel I am supposed to do within them. The problem is, I don't believe I can see or choose anything correctly.. so I end up doing some things all wrong because I'm fighting so hard to finally do right when I was never actually doing wrong to begin with.. a very, very long time ago. I was treated like I was doing wrong when I was doing right. My last relationship reinforced all of this because I ended up in the same position.
Now I get freaked out and don't know the appropriate time to run or fight. Get it? My fight-or-flight response is all mixed up and it gets overwhelming and confusing. It leaves me very tired, frustrated, and frightened.. So I think a lot to try to regain control, to regain my footing. It's not working. But instead of shaming and changing all I do, including obsessively working to analyze every single scary situation, I'm going to be patient and understanding of why I am the way I am, because I already know.. and I don't deserve to feel ashamed of myself. I will make changes, but not for the reasons I used to. I'm not pathetic. They were wrong. I'm just hurt.
There is strength in my messed up parts..
There is beauty and usefulness to be taken out of my wrongs and my rights…
-and no matter how much writing all that made me cry and want to curl up clinging to the negative.. I refuse.. because no matter how imperfect some of my methods may be in this moment, working through them is what has gotten me back to myself and helped me discover so much more about who I am— things I was unable to see before because I mistakenly believed I was the ugly image that'd been shown to me. But what I saw was never actually a reflection of myself. I'm done staring into their funhouse mirrors.
Laughing at Myself: Part III—
(3/01/2022)
Kicking Fear's Butt!
One More Time?
By my standards, I've worked up some nerve recently! It's really fun to be feeling so good lately. I feel ready. I'm not sure what for.. Anything, I guess!
Have you ever looked back on a moment and wished you'd said something differently, or maybe that you'd not spoken at all? I have felt that way several times throughout my life. I am tired of being afraid, but I am even more tired of regret. So whether the issue is big or small, I'm going to do what I can to make sure I won't have to wonder too much about it later on.
YUP! I'm doing things that feel awkward in my own way. It's entertaining. I even attempted to hit on a man I find appealing. I had to!😌
Y'all didn't really think I'd never write about this again, did you?...
In all fairness, I wasn't planning on it. Then I went and did something I didn't think I would. I'm glad too. It took some serious confidence and self-assurance to hit on somebody. I can honestly say, I have never! Not sure what has come over me, but I'm not upset about it! No matter how much embarrassment I've put myself through, I think it's funny. So what if I look like a jackass? It's not the end of the world. :)
I saw him in the hall while waiting outside a classroom.. Oh damn. Well.. seeing his cute little face pushed me over the edge. Also, the way we looked at each other felt way too awkward for my liking!
When I used to be around him he was always so happy and playful towards me, so the straight face threw me off.. until I realized that I'd given him a blank expression as well. Oooops.
I meant to smile dammit. I froze. I heard his loud voice, so I knew I'd probably see him. I wasn't going to run away. I was comfy where I was sitting waiting for a test I missed in lab. I didn't think it'd be a big deal, or that I'd freeze like a deer in the headlights. But I did. At least it wasn't a big deal. I got that part right!
I wanted to talk to him after that odd incident, so I did! Are you noticing a trend? Currently, when I want to do things- I DO THEM. I messaged him. It only took me three months and an uncomfortable sighting to work up the nerve. I know messaging him sounds like no big deal, but for me it took guts!
I barely said anything, but I know I ended the first message with something like "Have a good day." Whatever, he'd said stuff like that to me in person last semester, and I thought it was cute as heck when he'd seem a little nervous and awkward. Cute stuff. Anyway.
After he responded to my message I tried to make it very obvious I was into him. It didn't seem to work, so in my final message I made it very, very clear that I was attracted to him and that I had attempted to hit on him in the previous message. That was it. I included "I'll hush now" and a facepalm emoji because I was embarrassed in a goofy, non-upset way.
He hasn't responded. Uhhhh..LOL! I mean, who can resist a spaz like me? Hmm?? Apparently this guy, that's who! 🤣
I quickly turned my phone over and avoided it for an hour or so after I sent my message anyway. I was too scared to look..just in case he said something back or blocked my odd ass. I may be facing fear these days, but I still need occasional breaks from embarrassment!
I knew putting myself out there so boldly would make me feel humiliated for a moment, but I wasn't going to let fear or that discomfort and rejection stop me from going for it! I sent that message! I only felt mortified for a few minutes. Worth it.
All the other stuff I did prior to show my interest in him had been bold for me, but it was never actually super direct. Especially if he was never reading my page. So..this time I was much more direct. I was obvious as heck! He said nothing..and that little exchange took place over a week ago. Hahah. Oh man! Why am I smiling about this?? Because at least I did something!
I gave him the perfect opening to say something! After I said "That's not what I meant!" He could've said anything, like.. "What did you mean then?" Wink wink. But nah, he didn't say anything. :P I was embarrassed, but super proud of myself and happy! I mean, he either doesn't have any interest in me whatsoever, or he is as awkward as I am with this crud. Whatever, I still tried. Again. Woot woot!
Mr. mystery man not saying anything back to me wasn't the absolute best thing that could've happened.. However, he could end up saying something later on, or that could've been the last conversation we'll ever have. Who knows? But ya know what?!?! I wanted to make sure to say something to him, and I did! In my own goofy-ass manner too! I wanted to make sure he at least knew, and now I know he does! Yay!
I wanted to put things out there in a simple way, just in case he wanted to act on it. Now that the wondering 'what if he doesn't know?' question can no longer nag at me, I feel no more anxiety or disappointment about this crush stuff! I can happily go about my business no matter what. Because what is there for me to stress over or feel bad about?? Nothing. :) I cannot have any regrets or get stuck in a wondering mind, because I've done all that I could do!
I've never made the first move before, it's always been the other way around. I have no practice with this! That's apparent.. Still, I better understand what people mean when they say the ball is someone else's court now. I passed that metaphorical basketball straight to him, in case he wanted to shoot an unmissable layup!!
🙂 I put myself out there and opened myself up to rejection and humiliation. And I'm actually quite happy that I did! ❤️ I won't lie..when I sent that first message to him.. y'all..holy-tachycardia!
I was so incredibly nervous and already feeling like a fool, because I figured he'd ignore me or something. I'm not sure why I assumed that. I suppose because I always feel I'm doing something wrong or bothering a man when I speak. I'll break that habit. Not the speaking one, the negativity crap.
I'm not nervous in regards to him anymore. So what if he doesn't like me?? So what if he turns out to be taken? So what if he thinks I'm annoying? So what if he's just not ready to get to know new people? So what if he thinks my face looks like a foot!?!? So what if he thinks I'm too stupid for him?!? 😂 So what?!?!?!
There's absolutely no way for me to know what's up with him. And if any of those statements above turn out to be true, it'll be ok! I didn't do anything wrong. I got attracted to someone, and then I let them know it. Not the end of life as we know it.
There's no way for me to know what kind of person he is just because I find him appealing. That's not how life works! I don't know how he thinks. I don't know what he's been through.
He's a complete mystery.. Just like all strangers are lol! He is simply one that I'm very attracted to. Oh well! There's no way for me to know if he wishes for me to never speak to him again, but I won't bother him with another word, not unless he speaks to me first. lol.
I've reached my embarrassment threshold with this gentleman.. I pursued him and let myself be vulnerable more than once over the past few months. This has been fascinating! I've never chased a man before! Correction, I've never chased a man that I wasn't already in a relationship with before. Hah!
I don't know what this man wants, but at least I know that I let him know what I was wanting. I know he knows I'm attracted to him and that I wouldn't reject him. Knowing that is more than good enough!!😁 For me, messaging a man and being obvious about my interest is way wayyyyyyyyy out of my comfort zone.. But this girl went there! So..booyah!💃🏻 I aint scurred-
In general, I'm tired of wasting my time worrying. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not appealing or good. I'm going to be brave, even with silly little things like this! I'm building up my confidence one awkward step at a time..Just as I have been since late August 2021.
I'm not graceful, nor do I know how to interact with interesting men who don't seem sociopathic. I have no idea. I don't know at all. I know how to be a good woman; that's about it. I'll be back in full force any day now. I'm so excited! Look at me go!!!
I can't deny that I'm happy I didn't let fear, uncertainty, or gender stereotypes stop me. I went for it! Time for me to keep going for more in all aspects of my life. I've done all I can do in regards to that man, so I'm going to let it go (because the ball's in his court!-) and continue working on what I've been trying to do elsewhere this entire time! I'm going to keep working on myself, and I am going to find more things to enjoy. I'm going to take my cute self out on the town and be happy while I let myself live. 🥳
Laughing at Myself: Part IV
(3/24/2022)
Me Behaving Horribly & Making Excuses
What I Almost Sent at 2 am—
(I was ready to run. Guess there's no point if you've bolted away first already. 😉)
It was nice to meet you, officially. I've been hurt too many times to wait around and see if you're just messing with my head or maybe ghosting me because I wasn't what you expected.
You seem like a lovely person, but my beat down pride can only take so much rejection and embarrassment. I'm too intense for the intense guy you told me you were? LOL. Ouch. Take care of yourself. 😊
It was really fun having a crush on you since September! I'll let go of that cute silly crud now that I see it's not reciprocated. Sorry I didn't get to lend you anything flowy like we discussed though!
It's seriously all good. You truly do seem like a nice man. No hard feelings. Just some embarrassment over here. I'll survive. You don't have to vanish when I get online. You can obviously unfriend me if my brutal honesty leaves you feeling too awkward to deal.
I don't really know how to filter my feelings because it makes me feel disingenuous when I try to...and I don't like the feeling of faking anything. It is what it is, and I am the strange goof that I am. Ummm. anyway..I'll turn off my active status and will leave you alone. 🙂👍 Thanks for the chat, it was interesting-
Update-ish
(feeling less panicked over it 3/24/22)
This kinda sucks. I don't understand. I know you cannot know what someone is/was thinking…Unless they straight up write it all out. Haha.. So I don't know why this man cannot or will not speak.
He doesn't have to explain himself or care about my feelings. BUT I still feel down, and wish that I didn't. I probably shouldn't..but I mean, when someone you're into seems into you and you get a little excited about it being confirmed..and realizing you can finally get to know them a little better..but then they suddenly *poof* into thin air and you feel like they changed their mind or might be unsafe too— it just hurts for a second. It's not really a fun experience or anything.
I feel stupid, rejected, and sad because I'm incredibly confused. I don't get what's going on or what I misunderstood or did wrong or anything like that.
Maybe I was too eager to chat with him and he sensed that and didn't like it because people like games and chases. I don't..not like that at least. I know what I want..so I don't see any point In pissing around or playing coy. I seemed super happy and joyous because I WAS. Why hide that? I don't wanna.. I don't really know how. Ok... I'm going to get out the house today and forget men exist for a bit. Yeah.. 🙂
It'll be fine. I don't need anyone to care, even if I wish they would sometimes. I care, that's good. I'm going to focus on me today and get back to a happy more confident place. Some mozzarella sticks will help! ;) Screw this..if he wants something..or if it was all a big misunderstanding and he's still crazy enough to be into my crazy…then he knows where I'm at! If not. Ok.
Even if I'm wrong..I still have the right to not enjoy the unended convo and lack of attention for like five consecutive days though. So..my disappointment and butt-hurt regarding that is still valid. lol I want what I want. Maybe??
Sometimes people just want different things..and communicate in different ways/at different rates. That's alright. I still think the man is nice. I can handle rejection..the confusion makes it a little bit worse. I just need a second to accept it before I can calm down and stop being sad about it.. I swear it makes sense..
Poor communication causes a lot of problems in our world—and in my head. (As does assuming.. which is what I’m doing..)
Never mind, another day passed and I'm feeling fully panicked -
Freaking Out
3/25/2022 10pm.
This finale blows!
After nearly a week of silence, I don't know what to believe about him anymore. I'm starting to mistrust even more than I was before. I think he is a sweet good person, but what if I'm wrong!?!?!? I've been wrong quite a few times before!
What if he did all of this on purpose..and he only liked the attention..and never liked me at all?? I mean, he just said he liked me and was interested. Did he mean it?
What if he just enjoyed me being so into him..and that's the only reason he was flirty and energetic!??? Because..he was getting attention from a cute girl who was infatuated with him. What if I was nothing but an ego boost? OMG. I bet that's it. I'm such a..
What if he's just like all the men I get interested in???? What if he is very mean and was just messing with me for fun. Oh my God. If he is narcissistic, I mean it wouldn't make me hate him. Goodness gracious. I just need honesty and effort.. but he probably thinks I'm a pointless idiot just like D.B. did. Oh God. I'm going to just..
What's going on with me??!? My heart is beating so fast that I’m feeling flutters.
I can't deal with this. It'll be ok soon enough. So, there's that to look forward to.
It's fine. It's ok, no matter what. I'm not pointless, but waiting around for someone who is 'too busy' to talk to me is. He may be nice, or maybe he's horrible..or possibly just something in the middle..
Oh my god, do I know anything at all? Why am I so scared? Why can’t I calm down? I want to feel safe, I dont. I don’t understand what’s happening.
It's hard to believe he isn't who he felt like he was. But you know..feeling and seeing good in someone doesn't mean that's the part of themselves they're in touch with. I saw/see good in D.B. too.. I have no reason to trust he's not a selfish jerk messing with my head. I cannot know, but silence sucks.
I don't deserve to feel like crap, so I'm taking off...just like a narcissist does. Fuck!
Whatever..probably not the best defense, but I don't know what else to do. Everyone has narcissistic traits..kind of don't like having this one..but I'm so scared I cannot think straight or settle my nerves.
I'm triggered hard right now. I just can't. D.B's stonewalling was so painful. It was so bad. That's not what is happening now, but it feels like it did then. It hurts. Is that happening again?
If he is a decent man he should've spoken to me so I could've discovered that. Oh well. It's not his fault. My issues just..leave me needing certain reassurances. But knowing me..I was probably wrong about him this entire time..you can't judge a man by his humble, cute, chilled looking cover. you just never know who could be heartless behind the kind exterior. He seems kind, but I was wrong with D.B. What if I’m always wrong and always will be??
I bet I misread everything. He was happy and hyper around me, but not for the reason I thought. I bet that's it.. Oh well. I wish him well, but I'm too scared to risk getting brought back into some form of hell. I just escaped there. I've been stressing myself out for like three or four days now.
This feels horrible. I can feel my pulse im my neck. What’s wrong with me?? I don't know what to do. I need a moment to shut off. I don't know how to explain what that means. I need a moment. This is insanity. I should be calm and fine.
This is so stupid. I’m so stupid. I am pathetic. I don’t deserve a kind guy anyway. I'll be back later. No. I’m disgusting. This poor guy. I’m such a selfish asshole. Why can’t I stop panicking. Why can’t I stop feeling this burn? OMG. I want it to stop. I’m crazy. I don’t want to be like this. I thought I was ready. I wanted to talk to him. What am I doing?
I am no longer kicking fear's butt..
Maybe I will tomorrow.. Ha.. For today, I've deactivated my Facebook, unfriended the man I want to talk to, and gone into hiding..sort of. I shouldn't have wanted someone to talk to me so badly to get answers.
I should've been able to separate the past from the present, but I just couldn't. I can't in this very moment. It still feels the same. I don't know. I should've found a way to find a calm headspace on my own. I screwed up...time to carry on..no..I'll do that tomorrow.
This isn't SO bad..just into some guy I barely know and have taken off running because I can't deal with how frightened I am..It felt eerily like old silence. I felt so stupid..I still do actually..So it seems trying to take off and find safety hasn't helped.
Pushing people away is super healthy. Super healthy.. What the hell.. Now I just feel sad. The fear part is settling down, but I'm way more sad. I deleted that person. I didn't want to. But what if he's mean?
What if he was just messing with me too??? Oh dear lord. This sucks. I need wine or something- now.
What I wrote prior—
I'm just way too scared and you not saying anything only scares me more. Maybe you're great, but if you aren't willing to even acknowledge that I'm here..then there's just no point.
I've hurt myself enough already by caring for people who didn't care for me. I only wanted to talk to you, learn a little more, go on some dates and see if there was anything worth pursuing ..but it feels like you've already decided that there isn't. Alright then. I can respect that. Bye sir
—11/2/2024 update:
This is mortifying.
Hello hello my anxious attachment style on steroids with a dash of narcissism! Oh dear lord. Shame on ME for this one.
I am very sorry for unleashing all of that onto someone as if what I was going through/ being triggered justified only thinking about my own terror as I unleashed it onto somebody else! I’m sorry. This was unacceptable and toxic behavior.
No wonder he never wanted to actually pursue me later on. 🤦🏻♀️ He still shouldn’t have been dishonest or insensitive, but I completely understand that I did things I shouldn’t have done either. I was insensitive a few times too! And I did that right at the start. Oh my goodness..
I definitely did wrong in this instance— I was wrong. M. didn’t push me to act out and D.B. didn’t force me to adopt his defensive and self centered outlook.
I chose wrong. I did something bad and nothing excuses it. I will try my best to keep becoming more grounded and self aware when panic/triggers strike.
I don’t blame M. for being put off after I spiraled as soon as he and I spoke for the first time. Goodness graciois.. I became so unhinged. ☹️ I understand why, but that didn’t give me the right to treat him that way. I should not have dont that.
This was wrong and a form of lashing out. It was a few years ago and I know I apologized to him then, but reading over it in present day just made my stomach sick.
D.B. accused me of being unfair, selfish, and crazy when I was just defending myself against his abusive behavior while dating.. But then with M. I actually was being unfair, selfish, and crazed because M wasn’t attacking me.
M wasn’t responsible for how I felt or my unstable state of mind. I was responsible for how I handled myself. I was and am responsible for being unfair to somebody else. That was not alright.
The world doesn’t revolve around my suffering, but I was acting like it with M. at the start (and a couple of times since then).
I am truly sorry for treating him badly. I was being the narcissist in this situation..not a sadistic one with malicious intentions.. but a type of narcissist nonetheless. Poor M.
Lessons being learned from the past. Man, that really was an uncomfortable read.. I feel horrible for the discomfort I know it must’ve caused him back then. The guilt will fade, but what it showed me better not. I can’t treat people like that.
Looks like I addressed how poorly I acted back then too in the post below this— but still.. it’s worth restating that how I handled myself wasn’t ok.
Laughing at Myself: PartV
The Incident:
Triggered
(3/2022 – 5/2022)
I was triggered by silence because it brought back memories of being stonewalled by my abusive ex. Problem is..this time I wasn’t being stonewalled— yet I reacted like I was.
It's interesting to notice things I was too panicked to see before, and very cool to know there are ways for me to snap out of this sort of thing a little more easily. I'm analyzing again! :P But this time I'm doing so from an informed and calm place. I can criticize my errors without tearing myself down.
I was triggered, but because of some of the things I've been practicing I was able to recenter and feel alright again within the hour. The fact that I was able to do that after allowing myself feel all of that overwhelming mess is super encouraging.
I'll start off by saying.. holy hell. I've finished looking over the post(s) related to this incident. It was easy for me to pick up on my panic, denial, projection, defensiveness, catastrophizing, blaming, and so on. I knew I was freaking out, but it's fascinating to look back and see how I handled being triggered before taking the steps to confront my CPTSD symptoms more directly.
I didn't really 'handle' it.. I just kept spiraling further and further down into my panic. I didn't know how to escape it, how to settle down, or what to do with the terror I was experiencing. I didn't know how to get back to where I was in time and see that everything was alright, and that I wasn't in danger.
I am no longer ashamed of myself for not handling being triggered well, but I cannot lie and say that reviewing it hasn't been a little embarrassing. I know I make mistakes, but seeing myself being so reactive and narcissistic is not super pleasant for me- Yet at the same time..it is. I like to understand things..I know that may come as a shock to you, since I've never mentioned that before, 🤣but I do find comfort in knowledge.. Sometimes too much..but whatever- all in moderation, ya know?
I do make mistakes, and there are things I need to change, particularly how I manage stressors and intensely negative emotions. I'm ready to do this, but I'll likely do it while picking on myself like a smartass. I need the laugh. :)
Thinking Errors I Exposed Him To
Applying some of the thinking errors/avoidance defenses I explored in Chapters 3 & 4 to this situation:
REPRESSION / DENIAL:
Frick. I was not in denial about the past during this, I was in denial about the severity of the symptoms I was experiencing. I noticed I was triggered and knew I was blowing things out of proportion, but I didn't see how flawed my thinking was in a lot of areas throughout this.
When I thought I was making sense, I now realize I was just rationalizing things to help me feel like less of a rejected loser. Now I know exactly what to look for in regards to PTSD symptoms. I'm learning how to ground myself so I will be able to reflect and settle down when trouble arises..instead of making more trouble for myself and others.
REGRESSION:
I was so worked up and trying to find a logical explanation for the pain and fear I was experiencing, so I ended up pushing blame onto the man I wanted to know...Which would mean I was holding him responsible for my own experience that really had very little to do with him or his actions. He was not why I was lost and panicked.
I'm glad I made sure to mention that it wasn't his fault throughout the original writings..but after I made sure to say that, I went on to write in a way that still put him at fault for things when all he did was not talk for a few days.
He didn't have to talk. I don't know him. I don't know his life, but I only thought about my fears. Focusing on my fear kept my head up my own ass. He didn't attack me..he didn't really do anything.
I view this behavior of mine as regression because I was so upset and was wanting him to fix it...like if he didn't he'd be letting me down or causing my heartache somehow.
That's not fair. He didn't have to comfort me or provide reassurance. I always say it is nobody else's job to cater to my emotions and issues..and yet, when I was lost and frightened that's exactly what I ended up wanting and expecting. I see it.
I see my mistake. It wasn't intentional, but it was still my error, and I am the one who has to fix it. No matter how oblivious I am to some of the wrongs while I'm committing them, the negative outcome is still my doing and my responsibility. Good intentions are great, but so are good choices.. I want my actions to consist of both as much as possible.
FANTASY:
🎵It's just a sweet sweet fantasy baby, when I close my eyes you come and you take me. It's so deep in my daydreams, but it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy baby!🎶 Yeah, I cannot see the word fantasy without hearing Mariah Carey. 🤷🏻♀️ Mhm.
Yes I am a daydreamer. I had my fantasy..it was a pretty simple one though. I wanted to get to know the guy..and him not to be evil..and for us to like one another then go from there.
In my little dream world I pictured someone wanting to talk to me and seeming excited about meeting me. I didn't take into consideration in real life that he could be any type of person, and that he could not give a shit about relationships or meeting someone. I'm not saying that's how he is, I'm saying I don't know how he is but I still expected certain things.
I was too into the good feeling I had about/around him to think.. I did want to get to know him, but I didn't know him yet..All I knew was what I wanted. I wanted to talk, I wanted to learn him, and I wanted him to want to learn me. I expected him to express himself the same way I do, which is insane..because not everyone is the same.
I have no experience with getting to know a man in a normal span of time..or in a normal manner. I just don't know. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Still don't. How could I if it's never been done. Ha. I was this little ball of nervous energy.. I was giddy, scared, curious, hopeful, and confused. I desperately wanted to be sure of where I stood with him.
I wanted to know what his intentions were. lol I sound like a father! But seriously, I wanted to know what he was interested in, what he wanted.. That way I could see if we wanted the same things..because if we did, it would make sense for us to take our time getting to know one another to see if we were compatible enough to end up getting those things together later on.
I was so scared not knowing..even though getting to know someone takes time. I just wanted everything to be crystal clear, because I'm so tired of things being blurry. I just wanted straightforward, obvious, stuff..because I struggle to trust myself or my interpretation of events/situations..
I wanted to feel safe and certain of what was going on..I wanted to make sure I understood correctly. I'm so tired of being left alone in confusion.. but I know it was never his job to clarify or care.
INTELLECTUALIZATION:
Yeh. I turn to learning as much as I can to build up a sense of safety.. I also use what I know to try to kick back when I feel I'm under attack.. But I wasn't under attack..I didn't think I was, but I felt like I was at the same time. I was triggered. I was also a bit arrogant. I cringed reading over some stuff..like I was explaining to someone who didn't know any better. Oh gosh..
I couldn't believe how it came across when I read it a few weeks to months after writing it. I was like OMG! I'm a hypocrite! ..I pointed out when he gave me advice(which I thought was him trying to be helpful)..but I was clearly butt-hurt by it because of my own insecurities.
My point is, the way I wrote..even though I thought highly of him and that he was the one too good for me, my ass wrote like he wasn't up to my satisfactory standards. WTF was that!?
I justified writing it.. because I've always been transparent on this page..Sure, that's true..but I knew he could be reading and so I could've kept a lot of that to myself and started writing in a private journal if I needed to vent like that.
To me, it was unnecessary. If I had read all that about myself I'd feel attacked and a little concerned about the mental stability of the writer due to the extreme attitude of the writing.
As hard as it is to admit.. if a man had acted as I did, especially if I'd never spent time with him.. I'd be very put off..and probably run too. At least this guy was classy enough to try to say something nice. I was just so hurt, and I didn't know what to do with myself or why I was hurting in that way. I screwed up. I didn't slow down to think.. I didn't slow down much at all.
I wasn't trying to attack him..but just because I knew that in my own mind doesn't mean my bitchy words expressed that. I was just kind of fussing at one point.. and doing that about my ex while I was healing was one thing, but this guy never abused me or wronged me..
My defenses need some rewiring.. Oh..and when I read how I went on about the paying for dates thing and blah blah..I wasn't even angry at him or the subject matter..but I had all this energy and felt attacked ..so I started explaining myself when nobody frickn' asked!
Nobody said I'd done anything wrong..He never said "I hate women! Muwhahahah!" or "When I say broken, I mean you're a piece of unwanted trash who deserves to die alone! Muwhahaha!!!" Yeh.. the evil laughter was necessary. ;)
Like.. Where'd the defiance I was experiencing and expressing in these writings come from? Oh, that's right..frustration, and repressed emotions that belonged to another situation from another time in the past.
Practically none of it had anything to do with this guy, his actions, his words, or my disappointment with the current situation.. Almost all of the stuff I spewed.. It was the result of me feeling strongly and not being able to identify where to properly allocate the emotions. I was upset..I didn't handle myself well. But that's ok. I apologized, and I'm learning. So..trying counts. 😌
PROJECTION:
Yeh. I feel really bad about using these narcissistic defenses. Trying to protect myself is no excuse not to consider someone else.
DISSOCIATION:
Big time. This is the weirdest thing. I feel like I've almost always lived in this state..sort of. Once again, I'm not sure how to explain it. I know what's going on, but something is so disconnected within me that I feel still and uninvolved in whatever's taking place at the same time.
When I was losing it during this episode I was scared, frustrated, and confused.. yet I was also spaced out somewhere far far away too.
I suppose I fear being completely present in a moment. I've done it before, but with the wrong man. I paid for getting lost in fleeting moments of comfort instead of accepting that majority of our shared moments were awful. I should be able to be in the moment on my own and in someone's company.
It's like I keep a peice of me stored in a distance to make sure it doesn't get damaged if things end up going wrong, or I keep a hurt piece of me tucked away to make sure it doesn't cause trouble. Either way, I almost always feel like I'm holding myself back.
I was present when I was triggered, but I was also in a whole different place too.
ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING:
Oh goodness, yes! :/ I knew it was unreasonable when I was thinking that way, but I still felt it so strongly.
CATASTROPHIZING:
No..I remained totally calm and levelheaded. 🤥 - I'm obviously Kidding y'all..
During my panic(s) my thoughts definitely went to extremes.
Here are some things similar to the negative conclusions I jumped to:
- The conversation never ended…so he must have found it too unimportant to wrap up/ to inform me that he fell asleep and would be in touch with me later on in the week or whatever. I bet he can't stand me.
- I'm an idiot who misread everything when we were around each other. Wtf is wrong with me? 🤦🏻♀️ I thought I was ready. I never understand anything!
- I should give up; no good man will ever want me!
EMOTIONAL REASONING:
I don't like things left hanging/unresolved/unclear; it creates a type of suspense within me that I cannot tolerate well anymore. I don't need to know everything (although I'd love to! lol) but to not know where I stand with someone or what the plan is moving forward really stresses me out.
After experiencing so much uncertainty throughout my most recent traumatic relationship, I crave clarity..without it I feel very afraid. But no matter the intensity of emotions I get caught up in, it's my job to get out without acting out. I did the wrong thing, but I'm glad that instead of giving up..my wrong is showing me how to do right. So, there's that.
The fact that certain things which did and didn't happen stressed me out did not make it his fault that I got triggered. It wasn't his fault, and it also wasn't my fault that I got triggered or that I have triggers to begin with.. But it is 100% my fault that I handled being triggered so badly.
When I read back over what I wrote during in March..as well as much of what was written in my posts Embarrassment, Here We Go Again, Escaping Escapism, and even some in I Didn't Do This to Myself..I could see that I stayed triggered far longer than I thought.. Or that it kept happening. I was defending myself throughout large chunks of the writings during and following the incident. I was being narcissistic in how I was trying to escape my pain and fear. I fully realized that after I reread my writings this month.. The moment I came to that realization sucked.
It was absolutely mortifying to see I'd behaved in some of the same destructive ways my last partner had, especially since I know how horrifically his narcissistic behavior harmed me. Seeing myself acting poorly left me incredibly ashamed of myself. I'd caught myself implementing a toxic defense while I was triggered..but I didn't realize the severity of it or how unacceptable it was until later..
My emotions stepped back in time when I was triggered. Feeling all of them and that negative confusion, shame, hopelessness, and desperation for relief again sent me into a full-blown panic in March & throughout some moments in April. I kept rationalizing..blaming myself, blaming the poor guy..blaming the past, and blaming my CPTSD. I'm the one who did what I did. I did wrong, he, the situation, and my disorder didn't force me to act poorly. I had the ability and choice to do so much better, but I failed to slow down, self-soothe, and settle long enough to make it.
If I had taken a deeper look at C-PTSD beforehand, it's likely that my being triggered wouldn't have turned into a mini breakdown and major freak out..But I failed to educate myself sooner, and so I did freak out and breakdown a bit. I'm responsible for my behavior, and I failed to behave properly. I will not fail to own it though.
I will get there, but I'm still a loving person in the messy place I currently reside. ;) I'm a loving person who messed up and unfortunately made a few messes. I tried to do right after I spazzed out while I was in denial about some of my symptoms and errors.
I'm trying to do the right thing now too. I see that I'm not awful, but I also see that if I let fear/trauma win I could become capable of awful things..like not considering other people. I never want to do that. I don't want to hurt anyone, including myself.
I cannot excuse my behavior just because I have compassion for what's behind it. I have too beautiful of a heart to start living like the people who have broken it in the past.
I didn't think clearly during the incident..even though there were times I really tried to. I panicked and reacted to emotions as they hit me, instead of properly identifying which direction they were coming from and why. Emotions are amazing and add depth to life, but leaving them misplaced and dysregulated is dangerous.
I know I said this already, but
If He Is Reading—
I am sorry for attacking you, and for acting like you had caused all the hurt, fear, and confusion I was experiencing. You didn't. I'm also sorry for pushing you away and then responding like I was wronged when you chose to stay as far away as I had shoved you.
I did feel hurt and a little mistreated, but the truth is that you didn't bail or act like I wasn't worthwhile- I never intended to 'play victim' but after reviewing everything, I can see that the main reason I was hurting was because I'd gone and unintentionally victimized myself in this situation.
I didn't feel worthwhile, and I treated you like you felt the same way before I even got to know you. I projected. I blamed. I repressed and regressed. I got sad, defiant, and critical.. I reacted to you like you were him.
I caved to all my fears instead of finding a healthy way to work through them. I made what I was scared would happen, happen within less than one week. That's on me. I am sorry for any stress or hurt my behavior created. I am sorry for being unfair to you.
Clarity & Self-Affirmation
I might be too much for some people, and too little for others. I might be seen as crazy by people who don't understand mental health conditions, or resilient by those who do. But no matter what others may or may not think of me, I know who I am.
Regardless of what mistakes I've made, or of how strangely I've behaved within certain circumstances.. I know who I am and who I am not. I am not crazy, but I've had moments of instability. I am not hopeless, but I have experienced hopelessness. I am not worthless, but I have failed to recognize my worth.
I know not everyone will understand, and not everyone can safely navigate certain types of challenges…Also, some people simply don't have any reason to put themselves in a situation they know won't always be easy. AND THAT IS OK. It doesn't make people who cannot 'handle' me any less wonderful, intelligent, or kind. It doesn't make me any less worthwhile or lovable either.
To me it just means everyone has their own broken pieces to mend, their own responsibilities, and their own life to enjoy in a way that's meaningful and beneficial to them. Thus, it is more than ok for someone not to want to have anything to do with understanding my specific complexities.
Everyone's complex, but not everyone's complexities complement one another.
Like how I desire more dimension to be added to my life, whereas somebody else may already have their fill of things they value and enough demanding stuff to occupy and satisfy them already.
Not everyone desires the same type of companionship either- Some people don't want it at all, some could live with or without it, and some may prioritize it above all else because deep connection is what we live for — even if we've never had it. 🤷🏻♀️
My need for care ( high maintenance :P) doesn't mean I'm a burden... Me requiring someone's effort doesn't mean I must change everything about myself in order to be worthy of someone's time and earn their affection. It only means that it'll take a certain type of person to be compatible with me.. Just as it takes a certain type of person for everyone.
We all require special consideration from those closest to us.. So when someone ends up caring about you, them providing their time and expending their energy won't be 'high maintenance' or a burden.. .because the person putting effort in values you and all the effort you put in too. I am just as worthwhile as anyone.❤️ One day somebody else will agree, but for right now I'm grateful that I can say one person currently seeing me this way is me.
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