Love?
09/01/2021
Regardless of any love I have for him, I'm staying away. I'm finally starting to settle back down from the impact of the last time I broke No Contact (around the anniversary of the main discard). I became engrossed in cognitive dissonance, was more easily triggered, and had cycling emotions for several weeks.(That's fairly obvious if you look at my posts from July and August)
The overall consequence of making contact with him was much less severe than the other times, but it still stung enough to remind me why I should've kept his number blocked.
The outcome is always the same. I was willing to hear what he had to say. He said nothing. He chose to stonewall and gaslight.. He blamed, then ignored my response and took off… Alright then, he can go ahead and ignore me for the rest of his life-it's not like he ever deserved to have me in it anyway.
Regardless of any love I have for him, I'm staying away. I'm finally starting to settle back down from the impact of the last time I broke No Contact (around the anniversary of the main discard). I became engrossed in cognitive dissonance, was more easily triggered, and had cycling emotions for several weeks.(That's fairly obvious if you look at my posts from July and August)
The overall consequence of making contact with him was much less severe than the other times, but it still stung enough to remind me why I should've kept his number blocked.
The outcome is always the same. I was willing to hear what he had to say. He said nothing. He chose to stonewall and gaslight.. He blamed, then ignored my response and took off… Alright then, he can go ahead and ignore me for the rest of his life-it's not like he ever deserved to have me in it anyway.
Sections:
What I Know
Trauma Bond vs. Authentic Love
Who I See & Why I Care
The Answer
Majority of this post is going to consist of me sifting through the feelings I have for my abuser. I’m trying to get a better understanding of what was/is love and what was/is the trauma-bond.
I've been avoiding confronting this. It is far too much to process in my head. So naturally, I’m going to work through the complexities of my cognitive dissonance, love, and unhealthy attachment publicly.😉
I’m ashamed of how I feel, but logically I know that I’m not doing anything wrong. I don’t want to be unfair to myself, or not understand what it is I feel and why I feel it. So, for that reason, I’m going to take a deeper look at the attachment I have to my ex.
This could get messy.
What I Know
& Questions It Raises
I can easily recognize that I feel love for him and care about his wellbeing. However, it starts to get very confusing when I try looking more in-depth at why I feel those emotions.
I'll start off with some of the most obvious things I do know—
1. I know what love is.
My philosophy on love has always been that it is a choice.
Initial chemistry is needed, but all infatuation comes and goes. True love is a donation of yourself to another, for their benefit. It is the practice of patience and compassion, even when it is challenging.
Love requires great effort and sacrifice. To love is to forgive errors, accept flaws, and nurture personal growth while celebrating current strengths. Love is not solely for one individual to receive, it is for two individuals both giving and receiving care, respect, and devotion from one another.
Love gives, and accepts graciously. It does NOT forcefully, deceitfully, or selfishly take.
2. I know how I loved him matched the previously mentioned ideals.
But does that mean who/what I was madly in love with was actually HIM? If not, who/what was I so deeply devoted to, and why did I cherish it more than anything?
3. I know how he “loved” me failed to meet any standards for what constitutes love.
Which leads me to question, why did I settle for the ugly, painful way he “loved” me?
If he did not love me in a way the reflected healthy, genuine love, why did I trust it was legitimate? If I know what love is, why did I not recognize what he pretended to feel for me was not it?
At times(especially at the start)I knew I deserved better treatment. I knew I deserved his time, care, and kindness..but then I suddenly felt I deserved his harmful lack of consideration for me. Why?
Trauma Bond vs. Authentic Love
Usually when you love someone you admire several of their personality traits and strengths. I admire things about majority of people I meet, but with D.B. it's different. That’s one of the things that makes me uneasy about how much I care for him.
I feel a strong love for him, but I honestly cannot think of things about his character that I admire or wish to emulate. He currently is not someone I would want my child or future children to have as a role model. This is not supposed to be insulting, but I truly cannot think of anything solid about him right now.
There are things I care for, or respect about him. But, once again, his refusal to openly be himself keeps me from knowing who he really is in most aspects. So the things I DO feel admiration for, seem insincere or highly questionable now. He lied and hid so much, that he’s practically a stranger.
It is an extremely bizarre thing to feel such strong emotions for someone you do not know. What makes it even more peculiar, is that I used to think I knew him well. I knew and believed he was who he wanted me to think he was. He spent the only effort he was willing to provide on presenting himself as what he thought I wanted to see, instead of allowing me to see HIM.
He kept himself hidden in order to keep me where he wanted me, and to keep me feeling what he wanted me to feel so I would behave how HE wanted me to behave. That is control and manipulation, no matter if it was calculated or simply his compulsions.
He lied to me, and basically tricked me into falling in love with a game he was playing instead of who was really there. What a shame. I don't care if you are the best or worst person in the world, to not be able to let your guard down so that you can be seen and fully known by your partner is an extremely sad way to live. Well, would you look at that..his abuse made me live just as sad as he does, didn’t it?
I could no longer be myself or be seen because he didn’t want to see me, being myself offended and angered him. Then I became someone else. I became whatever he told me I was, and shifted into whatever he said I should be(just for him to scrutinize and hate that form of me too).
Let me try to get more to the point below-
My Trauma Bond “Love”
I do feel love for him as a person, but at the same time I do not know him on a personal level. He didn't let me. This does not make sense.. Sure, I love pretty much anybody I am around..but I think it is obvious the type of love I am referring to and have for him is far stronger and consuming than the standard love I have for other strangers and acquaintances.
I'm not going to expect to be able to make full sense of that yet. I spent time with him. I care about him. I fell in love with the relationship he said we had, and the man he claimed to be. All of that created a very strong connection to him, at least on my end.
After I discovered it was a lie and that I had been heartlessly misled, the incredibly deep and overwhelming emotional connection prior to that realization did not vanish. All that happened was that the strong attachment I had to him and "us" pushed back at me- HARD.
As powerfully as I "loved" him, was then matched equivalently by how forcefully his treachery destroyed me.
He brought me higher than I'd ever been before. So when he suddenly dropped me, I had a terrifyingly long way back down to fall.
That descent was not gradual, it was a horrendously harsh shock to every single part of me. He abruptly shattered my surroundings and beliefs, and so I could not understand what it was I had just crashed into, or from where I had fallen. It was absolutely terrible.
It was unforeseen chaos, overwhelming devastation and incomprehensible confusion. I was left behind in a hopeless, empty and isolated space- he made it that way. He set me up to be ruined, yet I never wanted him to feel a single ounce of pain. That's sickening.
Why do I still feel love and care for someone who did that to me? He's done it more than once. The main discard was simply the most traumatic.
Why do I want so badly for him to be alright, when all he ever did was intentionally insure I was not??
Why do I worry about his happiness, when he could never be bothered to care in the least when I'd beg him to stop killing mine?
Why do I wish to be there for someone who constantly left me ALL ALONE in a misery he placed me in?
Why do I feel I am wronging him, and my chest starts to hurt by simply stating all of these truths?
Why do I feel guilt for not being accepting and fully forgiving of someone who rejected, shamed, and shunned all I am repeatedly?
Why does saying negative things about him, no matter how accurate and proven, make me feel sick and more worried about him-even though I know I'm not stating any of it to hurt him!?
Those negative aspects of my care for him do not come across as a healthy form of love, but more so as a reflection of the painful damage he has caused.
Once again..shame on him. If only he could turn his shame into something healthy instead of handling it in a highly disordered and toxic way by attacking and wounding others. It's pitiful that I still do not want him to be wounded or ashamed of himself. I want him to feel healthy shame/guilt for his wrongs so he can correct them and do better in the future.
I don't want him eaten alive by shame and to hate himself instead of moving forward. I want him to do better so he, and the people he interacts with, can be alright. That very last portion is the love speaking, not the trauma bond. I'm starting to see the difference, although the line is messy and scary to look at.
The more trauma-bond related emotions tend to be laced with anxiety, confusion, shame, sadness and obsession..
While the more healthy love related emotions and thoughts tend to be more logical, settled, platonic, and altruistic(but not in an extremely self-damaging way).
The more genuine love I have for him is definitely there. It is equally as strong as the trauma bond 'in love' feelings, but seems drastically more realistic.
So I do love him in an unhealthy, likely heavily trauma bonded manner, but I also love him in a more practical, authentic way too.. Just not romantically.
My Actual Love
My more grounded love for him, that is both emotion and choice, is something like this—
Whether the love I felt while we were together was fully result of a trauma bond, or only was in part, it was still an extremely true thing. The care, concern, fondness, desire, and attachment was VERY real for me. It was valid to me, thus my emotional love for him was authentic. What I felt was fundamentally valid, even if what/who I felt it for was not.
I know that I did not know the real details of him well enough to feel as strongly connected to him as I did, so I can rationally conclude that I am indeed trauma bonded with him.
I know that I was in love with and in awe of, the feeling I got when I was near him
I know I was in love with a lie he told me, and the idea of 'us' he planted in my head.
I know I feel him. Whoever it is he is behind all that false, manipulative, cowardly bullshit.. I have love for that man behind the nonsense, even though I know he can never be the part of D.B. that is present.
The love is no longer romantic, but it is there.
I know I cannot be with him and I do not want to be with him.
I know he does not love or want me.
I know he thinks I am stupid, weak, crazy and worthless. But I know I am none of those things, and neither is he.
I know I want him to be alright, and I know that will never change.
I know who he is deep down at the core, and that his heart is nothing like mine. I see it.
I see him, and he already knows it. Deep, deep down, he has to know. He cannot hide from me anymore. I see him. He is angry, resentful, and directionless.
Who I See
You are supposed to actually know who you love. But when I sit down and try, I cannot confidently list things I admire and love about him.
With zero trust in his word, I don't know who the heck he really is-in regards to his life experiences, wants, beliefs and intentions.
Therefore, all I have to go on is a feeling. When I try to think of why I love/loved him, I feel it, but I cannot describe or explain it..Likely because it makes no sense whatsoever.
It is not possible to truly know much about someone who hides from you, right?
As far as knowing him well enough in order to love him in a healthier way..I do not know why he does the evil he chooses to do. I do not know the real story of his past. I do not know what he actually wants or thinks.
What I do know, is that he is a person. He is also someone with severe mental health issues, likely a Cluster B personality disorder(s). Not looking down on him for that, I feel I exist with some disorder(s) from Cluster C, or at least many traits of avoidant and dependent. Then again..maybe my avoidance is just a symptom of PTSD? I really don’t know.
I do not hate him for being mentally unwell. I hate that he refuses to get help so he can live better and stop ruining lives of others.
I only feel who he is, if that makes any sense. I don't know how to explain it. It's probably projection, denial or wishful thinking. Then again, what I feel he is isn't anything that would bring me much comfort.
No matter if I am wrong or right, I feel like I know who he is, and knowing him hurts. I'm not saying that in a hateful way..It hurts to feel like I see and know him because what I feel he is is something sad.
What I feel he is, and how I see him, I can only really describe him in the language of my emotions. Let me try.
When I think of who he is based on my feelings alone, without applying much logic I see heaviness.
What I see or feel is someone very lost, quite possibly completely gone.
I see a shattered and blurry version of a worthwhile person.
I see lies.
But mostly I see overwhelmingly toxic-pride, denial, selfishness, shame, hate, disgust, frustration, hostility, rage, exhaustion, emptiness, hunger, restlessness, entitlement, resentment, suppressed uncertainty.
I see his own cognitive dissonance to maintain his bleak and ironically off-balance version of equilibrium.
Wait..am I using that term correctly? Ironically? Probably not.. Oh well, it can join my overuse and incorrectly placed commas and semi colons. 😂
I see someone I thought I loved.
I see the man I thought I was going to be with forever, and he happens to be the same man who was never actually present with me.
I see someone I wish I could hug and magically trade places with, so he could be alright.
I see him. He's a mess. He's hateful, selfish and cruel..but he's more than that. I see it, and see how seeing that doesn't change how horrifically he has harmed and scarred me.
I see someone I forgive.
I see someone I mean absolutely nothing to.
I see someone I will have to find a way to stop looking at.
“Seeing him” changes nothing. He doesn't see anything clearly, including himself, and most definitely not me.
It is a very heartbreaking thing to see something wonderful going to waste, being neglected, and remaining withdrawn- It's quite unfortunate. Actually, it sucks. It really sucks, because in this case it isn’t something, it’s someone.
Why I Care About That Person
I just do. I’ve written about this many times. I care about him. All I want is to hug him—Not a good idea..but still. lol My heart will never hate him for lacking one. I know he’s a bad person(because he won’t stop repeatedly doing bad things!) I get it. He made sure I understood that he does not care about anything or anyone, but that’s doesn’t make me not care about him. Someone has to! He sure as hell doesn’t. If he truly cared about himself, his life would suck less.
He has nothing, because he’s built nothing..He keeps refusing to build anything for a real life. He just drifts around making messes and breaking things apart. It’s sad. He could do better. I was attempting to build something with him, but he wasn't having any of that!
He prefers what he is doing now...a whole lot of nothing. Empty, temporary, time passing NOTHINGNESS. Tricking a few girls, feeling big and bad for doing so because he needs the fuel for his ego that badly. He doesn't care that what makes him feel like a superior badass is a complete lie. Bullying women doesn't make him special or strong. If anything, it reveals one of his greatest weaknesses- That damn pride that keeps him blind and has him existing in some alternate reality.
What is he going to hold onto, what is the driving force for someone who doesn’t care about anything? Petty distractions? So empty :( I love him because he lacks it. His life is going to remain tragic and directionless, because those are the only types of choices he makes..Ones that get him NOWHERE. I want better for him, but he doesn’t want better for himself. I’ve accepted this, but I still care.
That boy needs love. Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem capable of feeling it, or appreciating it. I’m not saying he is unworthy of love, but I can’t imagine that there are many people out there who care deeply for someone so mean and flaky. So, he can have my love. From wayyyyyyyy over here. 🖤
I’m not taking back what I wrote on his birthday ‘card’ this year. Ever. Doesn’t matter if I am furious, sad or disinterested- it will always be there for him, even though he doesn’t give a shit or want it.
When I think of him being the way he is I feel angry, powerless, sad, and worried.
I want him to be healthier and happier, but there’s nothing I can do to make that happen. I have to accept he will exist in this painfully negative state, and his suffering or dead emotionality is not something I can repair. Nor is it something that excuses him inflicting suffering upon me.
I feel angry because I feel he is better than who he is being. I am angry because he is settling for living this way, and hurting people in the process. I am angry because I never would have hurt him, but he severely hurt me many times. I’m angry because there’s nothing I can do but sit back and watch this man collapse, when I want him to be able to stand. I am angry because he is full of intense anger. His lack of heart pisses me off, because that extent of damaging cruelty naturally repulses me.
I feel powerless, because I am when it comes to helping him. I cannot. I cannot take his pain and misery away. I cannot settle his rage, nor calm his restlessness. I cannot do a single thing. I shouldn’t care, but I do. And seeing a person you love, no matter what kind of person they are, destroying themselves..it is a horrible feeling. I don’t want him to be destroyed, or for his life to be wasted.. but that’s not on me.
I want him to be healthier and happier, but there’s nothing I can do to make that happen. I have to accept he will exist in this painfully negative state, and his suffering or dead emotionality is not something I can repair. Nor is it something that excuses him inflicting suffering upon me.
I feel sad for obvious reasons. I know I can't ‘fix’ it, but the thought of him being angry, empty, and alone kills me. I don't want him to hurt. It‘s awful to know how he lives, and it hurts to imagine the life he will never have. I’m sad because he hurt me and hates me. I’m also sad that I care about him more than he cares about himself, and definitely way more than he ever cared about me-obviously. Even if he can’t feel enough to experience emotional pain, I’m sad about it. I want better for him. I cannot help it, I want better for everyone. He was my priority, I cannot just automatically stop wanting him to be happy. His negative state makes me sad for him, and sad in general.
I am worried that he is not alright, and that he quite possibly never will be.
10/2021 Update