• Not His Fault 
• Why I Liked the Guy & What I Wanted
• Block It Out
• Oh.. No..

  Here We Go Again       The Timeline       Petty, Pissy, & Proud  Reality Check        Closing the Door       Single & Hesitant to Mingle

Not His Fault

I have underlying issues that dictate my sensitivities; it’s my job to cope with them.
 

There are certain things I want too much. My desire to be close to someone is not his responsibility to fulfill. Just as my loneliness is not his doing. I was lonely long before I ever met him.
 

I have a tremendous amount of love to give. I offered it all to one man before. You know how that unfolded. I gave my last partner my entire heart, and it nearly ended me. I almost took my own life in 2020. I’m glad I didn’t. I never want to be in that headspace again.
 

I’m trying to function properly.. but when I’m not in a dissociative state my heart fills back up, and I don’t know what to do with it being so full. I wish I could explain it better.
 

My greatest passion is to love people. I want to comfort others. I want to show people the type of love I’d cherish being shown. Does that make sense? I want to love people. It’s what I live for.
 

This means that even when I’m not in love with a man, I still love him the way I love everyone who enters my life. I love with all I’ve got. I don’t know how not to. Sure, my issues can make things a bit blurry or extreme when a man is involved..but my pure intentions remain.
 

I care a lot about everyone and just about everything. So when something or someone hurts me emotionally, I do struggle a great deal to brush it off. The only way I cannot care is to disconnect from myself. Because the true me always cares, but sometimes being in touch with that hurts too much.

I know I am a very soft person. That is not M’s fault. I feel my emotions in a way that is overwhelming for me, so I don’t blame anyone if my intensity is uncomfortable for them. I can’t change this aspect of myself. I can adjust behaviors, but I can’t change who I am.
 

I am this big, tender hearted mess who gets lost a little too easily. I am lonesome and afraid of staying that way. I am easily triggered because I never feel safe. I freak out and throw up walls because I don’t want to trust and be betrayed again. I am terrified. I get embarrassed because I care so much and don’t know how not to. I start doubting my thoughts because I had it beat into my head that they’ll always be wrong. I am sad but want to help others be happy. Sometimes I am proud of myself, but at the core I am ashamed of myself for being who I am. I know I shouldn’t be, but I feel it when things become still. When I’m not focusing on loving others it gets too quiet, then all I can hear are the countless ways I’ll never be enough. It’s too easy to spiral when someone I want doesn’t want me around, because I start not wanting to be around me either. I snap out of it with denial and try to build it into something healthier. I’m trying my best, but I know I will always be a mess.
 

I’m a complex mix of things, just like everyone else. But my specific cocktail of personality traits is not his duty to sort through or embrace. My disordered ways of seeing myself aren’t his doing, nor his responsibility to offer me reprieve from.

 
Sure, he made some mistakes and could’ve handled a few things better.. but my issues are what kept me stuck and had me too foolish to accept he never actually wanted me. I pursued him first. He’s had my interest since September 2021. So humiliating. I’ve made a fool of myself. 
 

I could’ve told him I’d only be his friend after he ghosted me April 2022 — June 2022..

I could’ve permanently friend zoned us after he cut off all contact Sept. 2022 — Jan. 2023.  

Heck, I could’ve said “Forget this!” after he didn’t fully ghost me, but got super distant May 2023 — July 2023.

This August when shit hit the fan I should’ve ruled out all romantic potential there too. I thought I had for a second.
 

The point is, I had the ability to say no more because it was causing me pain, stress, and major cognitive dissonance- but I didn’t. I stuck around trying to make sense of it because I figured I’d seen at least one thing correctly. I see something very worthwhile in him, so I didn’t want to rule him out or accept nothing was ever going to happen. 
 

Sure, if he’d just told me exactly what was going on, (like that he was still in love with someone, hadn’t recovered from his last heartbreak, or that he was dating his ex) that would have made things a million times clearer and I wouldn’t have felt like I was imagining his shifts (hot & cold) and being ditched out of the blue every time things seemed to start progressing between us. BUT I could have let go. I could have told him bye or that we needed to be strictly friends.
 

I didn’t have to stick around waiting for it to become less confusing. I didn’t need to know the reasons behind him acting into me then acting like I didn’t exist over and over. It wasn’t necessary for me to hang around hoping to be seen and appreciated back. He never promised me that, and he sure doesn’t owe me it either.
 

I made excuses because he said he liked me a few times. We talked often. We shared personal things. We had sexual conversations and playful pet names, sort of. He told me I was the only girl he was disclosing his fantasies to. He reassured me he wasn't ‘talking’ to anyone else (he even joked saying he didn't have that kind of time anyway). He’d often go weeks or a few months messaging me daily to check in and shoot the shit. I thought that meant he enjoyed talking to me and cared about how I was doing. A few of the times I asked for clarity he said he was still too much of a mess to get involved yet. He’d say maybe things would change once work calmed down or he lost some weight. He also said he wasn’t ruling us out and that he had been keeping me around, even if at a distance, because he did like me.
  

Although those things gave me hope, my point in reiterating all of this isn’t to blame him for things I felt were a little misleading. It’s to show myself that I chose to stay interested anyway. Or as he said.. I chose to get invested. He’s right. There were warning signs for his lack of genuine interest in me and his emotional unavailability, but I couldn’t trust myself to know what I was seeing.
 

I failed to properly interpret his behaviors that hurt my feelings and stressed me out because I focused on the ones that made me feel good. I didn’t have clarity.. and that’s not all his fault.
 

The galsighting I grew up with and the gaslighting my ex unleashed have impacted my mind in a way where I struggle with trusting my perception regarding things big and small. I am responsible for coping with that and correcting it, but I just haven’t been able to fix that part of my head yet. So my confusion and need for direct communication is not his fault, it’s mine.
 

I struggle to process certain things. It would be nice for a person to be transparent with me, but I cannot force them to be-  My failure to pick up context clues when they reveal something hurtful isn’t his fault. He was simply living his life, and I was trying too hard to incorporate him into mine. I did most of this to myself.
 

I’d like to think if he’d been 💯 honest and not left me in the dark about the ex I’d have possibly closed the door sooner.. But the thing is, even after I discovered all of that and more.. I still stuck around. I still liked and wanted him. I still greatly desired to learn him better. I still felt like we had a shot to take it slow and do things right. I still thought he’d want to get to know me and then maybe even appreciate the woman I am once he took the time to look. That’s on me. Those hopes and my temporary openness to possibilities was my own doing. Sometimes I am clueless and pathetic, just like D.B. said. It’ll be fine. I’ll just have to be much more careful next time.

Why I Liked the Guy & What I Wanted

Stuff I liked about M:

• He's intelligent

• He loves to read 

• He's talented

• He's driven 

• He's funny 

• He's curious 

• He tries

• He apologizes

• He can be considerate

• Being around him feels good

• His face and belly

• He is capable of almost anything he puts his mind to 

• He's great with his hands

• He drives me bonkers

• He challenges me
 

• I cannot stay mad at him

• He's been through some shit

• He has potential, but is great already

• He's a fantastic cook

• He likes comic books and video games

• He got me interested in football

 
Portion of an OLD writing—

I'm trying not to think about this too much. The harder I try not to think about something.. Well, you know how that goes.
 

I do not know you. What I do know is that I'm very curious about you. I enjoyed being around you. I got cardio in without moving! haha I would've enjoyed some good conversation. No games or trying to play it cool. I am NOT cool or flawless, but I am awesome!
 

This crush has stuck with me because I find you incredibly appealing, and because it's hard for me to go against my gut feeling while I'm trying my best to relearn how to trust it.
 

I'll tell you exactly what I want so you don't have to do any unpleasant guesswork— I want to talk to you, be friends, and see if the attraction is there for a good reason after we actually get to know each other better. If that is too much, that's ok. I can be extra sometimes. That's not for everybody. No hard feelings. But it's not like you can know the funny, relaxing side of me if all you know are my issues from the most painful parts of my life. This isn't all I'm about, all I think of, or all my life has been, but that's what my webpage is for. My site is all about a dark, heavy topic. I have a lot of brightness too! I hoped you'd want to learn about it. —

It Did Some Good

( Written December 2021 )
 

I'm going to be as serious as I can be regarding my appreciation for developing a crush on someone. I know that it's odd to be thankful for something like that, but oh well.
 

Ready??
 

At first, having a little crush was useful because it distracted me from what kept breaking my heart. But it wasn't long until I stopped distracting myself from a bunch of painful things. I had let them go. Woot! I stopped worrying about D.B. and began to focus on caring for myself.
 

Being attracted to someone probably seems mundane to most people.. So I get that having a crush wasn't the most crucial thing I had going on in my life, but it was still something good.
 

I hadn't felt anything that simple and positive in a while.. So, the little bit of goodness it made me feel was sort of the catalyst that led to me rediscovering everything else good I’d forgotten about.
 

I started to remember and want more for myself. I needed that reminder. I'm happy I got it. Prior to feeling joy over my curiosity with a boy.. I'd had some breakthroughs and bursts of confidence.
 

I'd fought hard. I'd started feeling like a human being again. I'd registered for school during one of my more solid moments. I was so proud of myself for being strong enough to finally jump back into life..
 

I had some decent hours every once in a while. I felt like I was slowly becoming a part of the world again. I was making progress, but there had still been something holding a big piece of me back. I felt like I was never going to be free of the heaviness D.B. left behind.
 

I thought I'd lost my ability to enjoy life the way I used to. That all changed once I got fascinated by something I thought I'd never be interested in again.
 

What I was enjoying happened to be something I planned to avoid. If those little fuzzy feelings from my chemistry with a stranger could be felt and make me smile.. then I knew I was capable of gaining back my ability to feel other things too!
 

My mind had this new man on it, but that's not what it revolved around..(at first lol).
 

Seeing that I could feel ok, move on, and start living as myself again.. Well, all of that caused my recovery process to start progressing more rapidly.
 

Every single little thing I accomplished or rediscovered gave me confidence to keep going in that direction.
 

When all of that became more steady, and I was certain of where I was headed, something 'basic' took over my head. Yup. I was officially healed enough for my crush on a stranger to intensify. Oh lawd.
 

I had been discovering so many great things about myself, it was awesome! Then I decided I wanted to discover him. haha.
 

I wanted to know who the heck he was. I wanted to know why I wanted to know him. I wanted to know who had managed to make me go full stupid! I wanted to get a chance to see what that was all about.
 

Don't get me started on when the physical attraction began getting to me. Oh goodness. That was something else.
 

Anyway. I'm happy about where I am. It was really nice to be captivated by someone, even if I have no idea who they are! I'm thrilled that I was able to get to that point.
 

I'm not mad or devastated that this fun little situation I liked is over. I just wish my life had more people I enjoyed being around in it. Oh, and I wish I wouldn't have gotten so confused and started doubting myself. That's alright. It always is.
 

Yuppers. :) I'll never quit. Now that I've made enough progress to see a noticeable improvement, I'm starting to want things that I had forgotten I used to enjoy. It feels like waking up..Ya know, AFTER you've had some coffee.
 

I am remembering all sorts of little things that used to bring me happiness. The tiny, silly, and simple things that made my moments better. Something as simple as styling my hair, choosing the best pair of jeans to go with a blouse, or cooking something delicious and unhealthy because it's been a long day so calories no longer count. Seemingly insignificant tasks, yet all of those small parts of my usual routine made me happy..and being happy isn't small.
 
In a few areas I've kind of forgotten how to do what I used to do on a regular basis before the abuse grabbed ahold of me. I know that getting all gussied up every morning used to make me feel like myself.
 
..I've forgotten the methods I used to get ready each day. I'm serious. I cannot fully recall things such as styling my hair so it'll stay cute even when I'm walking around a muggy campus. I can't figure out how I used to actually plan a productive day.

I'm blanking on a lot of small things I know I enjoyed doing. All of my habits that used to give me my..shine? lol I don't know how to describe it. I am slowly starting to remember the basics of how I used to function. I'm really happy to be able to enjoy every part as I rediscover all the simple things that used to bring me joy and make each day better.  

Things like—
Waking up early and jamming out to music while painting my face. Putting on outfits that flatter my curves so I could feel confident to walk out of my house. Annoying the crap out of my son by blasting music and singing along when he refused to wake up for school. All of that was never important to anyone else, but it made ME happy..the simple parts of life usually do. It got me excited about MY day, and I am going to start doing that again for myself. Life is short, and so am I.. so bring on some high heels.
 

I also miss:

• Watching shows that I know are complete garbage, and enjoying every minute of it because I know I'll be able to talk to my sister about each episode.
  

• Laughing at juvenile humor while cracking my own cheesy or perverse jokes.
  

• Drawing and doing creative arts and crafts with my son...He has shelves of baked clay figures, pipe cleaner dolls/ homemade smash brothers characters, and cardboard playsets that he treats like gifts from Santa. I miss making things for him, even though I'm always stepping on his real toys enough already.
  

• Writing about things that aren't depressing or extraordinarily heavy. As well as focusing on things that aren't too philosophical in nature. My brain needs a break. There are calm, fun, and interesting things going on all around me too.
  

• Exercising, without doing so to try to look good enough for a man who told me I was going to get fat again. First off..I doubt it..Secondly, if I did chunk up-I would rock it. If that boy could barely handle a me in a size medium, that's his problem not mine. I like my size 8 imperfectly adorable thick hourglass body shape thank you very much, you scrawny jackal. That was rude..Oh well, so was him failing to realize I make an excellent pillow. :P
  

• I miss this lighthearted feeling as well. I miss being silly and not caring if I'm weird or if other people don't approve. I miss being myself..D.B. was such an imbecile to not want me the way I was prior to him pushing me around and stifling me. Someone wiser than him will want me one day, if not, that is ok! I will be happy by myself, because anything is better than being stuck with a cruel partner.

My ex had my mind so hurt and lost that I forgot a lot, including many of the little things that made me who I am. I'm remembering now.
 

I'm glad he's gone. I could barely smile when he was in my life, but I'm grinning like a complete goof right now at the thought of being anything like I was before he and I met. I was lonely and had my internal struggles sometimes, but I was happy for the most part. I was making my way to a great place.
 

I was different from who I am now, but I no longer view that as a bad thing. I will have the good parts of myself from before him, in addition to the stronger parts of myself from after him. All of it is going to fuse together, and I'm going to be even better. I'm remembering what brought me joy. I'm remembering who I was, appreciating who I currently am, and looking forward to who I'll become. He never deserved a chance with me, and now he doesn't stand one.
 

 Block It Out

I've gotten over the man I thought I was madly in love with, so I can definitely get over this crush/ unrequited interest. I don’t know M. on an incredibly deep level because he’s kept me at a distance for nearly 2 years. That’s not him doing anything wrong. At least that means there’s no romantic love involved. Thank God. I couldn’t handle that degree of heartbreak again, but I can survive a little heartache. ;)

I like him enough to want to talk frequently, spend time with him, and to not pursue other people. I also would definitely be sad at the thought of moving far away from him. — However, he does not like me the same way. That’s not him doing anything wrong.. It is simply far too uneven of a dynamic. I’m tired of those. 
 

I dig him way more than he digs me. I’ve been into him for a long time, but he’s simply not feeling it. That’s why he was able to keep disappearing on me, didn’t try to be around me, and felt comfortable being dishonest about crucial aspects of his life. He was having an on-and-off relationship with his ex the whole time but never told me. I had no idea until August of this year. I felt/feel so stupid and insignificant. I sure wouldn’t have participated is certain types of conversation if I’d known. 
 

He says the only reason he’s staying in town is for his job. Ya know, now that he’s single in the way I thought he was for the past two years. Sigh. I’d never be able to say I saw no other point to stay living in the same city as him.. even if hypothetically I had a valid reason to move. I just want to be near someone when I like them. I see potential and its worth. He seems to see no potential with me, and that is alright.
 

Once again, he isn’t being bad by not wanting me back or valuing relationships the same way I do. But I need to stop caring. I need to accept defeat. Ha. That sounded idiotic, but hopefully you get it.

 
I still like him as I write this, so I’m going to try implementing one of my defenses. I’m going to try to not feel it until it eventually goes away for real. Fake it till I make it? Yeah. Something like that. 
 

I was all for him taking his time, but because of how this past year or so has gone I’m anticipating the pattern will continue and that he actually has no interest in me as a person. If anything, I feel like an annoyance at this point. I don’t want to bother him or make him feel obligated to be nice to me.
 

I want to be wanted, but right now I feel like I’m having to beg for interaction. I shouldn’t have to do that, and he shouldn’t be burdened by feelings he doesn’t reciprocate.
 

I want a man to want to speak with me.. not to feel like it’s a chore or something he’s too busy for. M. can’t help what he doesn’t want or care about. I need to leave him alone so he can enjoy whatever it is he’d rather be doing. He’s his own person and doesn’t need to fit my preferences, I clearly don’t fit his. It’s ok. Someone will be excited to have me around one day.
 

I suspect my hope for he and I has been the false kind up to this point. It seems a healthy relationship would mean a lot more to me than it would to him. It comes across that he could take or leave a life lived for love and marriage. Like, I don’t feel he values or prioritizes it. He has that right, but me valuing those things makes us a huge mismatch.
 

I want a family to pour my heart and soul into.. That feels like my purpose, so I need to find someone who values and desires the same thing. That way I have someone to share the most meaningful parts of life with someday. :) 
  

I don’t want to be where I’m not wanted, and I don’t want to keep wanting what is never going to happen. M. would talk to me if he wanted to. He would try to be around me if he liked the idea of being near me. He’d kiss me if he wanted to kiss me. He’s probably not even attracted to me. He doesn’t value me. He doesn’t have to.

I want him to be happy, and I want to be happy too. I will tuck away any feelings I have for him until they dissipate the way things that go unnurtured do. He loves to be free, but I long for someone to help me plant roots that’ll tether me to the ground. Hmm. He won’t have to worry about me pestering him for conversation. He doesn’t want what I’ve been offering, so I won’t offer it anymore.

Oh.. No..

Sections:

• I Did Something Bad
• The Fear, Panic, & Impulse
• The Positives

I Did Something Bad

Imagine the most sane way you’d handle fear and mistrust of someone due to them previously not being as upfront with you as they should’ve been. Got it? Ok.. cool, I did the complete opposite of that.
 

Oh dear God. What the hell is wrong with me? Never mind. I already know the answer. He’d summarize it as crazy.. Fair enough, but obviously it’s more nuanced than that. But yes, it definitely wasn’t normal, healthy, or justified.
 

Brace yourselves ladies.. I have officially crossed a line I should not have. Regret cannot fully describe it. But all I can do is apologize when I get the balls to speak up, hope he’s ok, and move forward after I forgive myself for acting inappropriately.
 

Deep breaths have been required for the last few days. I spiraled, and after panicking for a few hours in the early morning I pressed send on a message I should’ve never sent. I contacted his ex. I went there. And.. you cannot unsend messages to people you aren’t friends with on Facebook.. I found that out the hard way.
 

I wish I only had to cringe, but right now the guilt and worry over how I may have negatively impacted him is killing me. I can get over my embarrassment, but getting over potentially causing him stress or hurt is a lot harder to digest. And it’s his frickn’ birthmonth! I feel like a total piece of shit. 

I deleted the message,  or “removed it” thinking it unsent.. but it didn't unsend, I just can no longer see it. The way my face feels numb after just reading back over that makes me queasy. Whyyy did I have to do that!!? Well. It’s done. That happened three days ago, and I can’t go back. After I couldn’t undo it I hoped it would at least stay in her spam folder because we aren’t friends, but when I tested it by messaging myself from my burner account there was a red notification for message requests.. So sadly, I’m sure she’s seen it.
 

I did try to give it some thought before even writing it. I thought about how I'd been willing to reach out to her for M's benefit. He said he was depressed last week and I assumed it was over her again, so I'd offered to reach out for him.. since he asked me to multiple times back in August. That’s part of the reason I found her Facebook to begin with. I was considering doing what he was asking, even though the idea of it hurt and I was surprised he was insensitive enough to ask. It sucked. But anyway, even though I like and desire him, I'd rather him be happy. That's why I offered when he said he was sad. I would have talked him up and made sure she knew how heartbroken he was when she left and so on..
 

However, when I offered to reach out to her for him recently he said, once again, that he was over her and moving on. He told me a few times in October that he is over her too..so I figured I wouldn't mess up any chance he wanted with her by asking her for help/insight because he said he was over her and wanting to focus on himself.. Unless he was lying about that too? I hope not. Whatever.. He showed me those emails. That man told her he was ready to start a life with her and she abandoned him anyway! She blocked him and gave him no chance to speak to her. That's so cruel. Her loss. Even if he has done wrong or whatever.. I don't get how she had the heart to not drive straight to his place and kiss him after reading that. I don't get why she wouldn't appreciate how much he loved her. Unless he was unkind to her and I just don’t know it yet.. Sorry. My mind is still all over. I'm sorry. I hate how I feel and think right now. Getting triggered is a sick joke I'm tired of. It always gets better though.

I’m about to explain where my head was when I sent that so I can show myself some compassion. BUT providing insight into what led up to my asinine choice is not meant to condone or excuse it. K? I have final say on what I do and don’t do, so if I do something I’m responsible for it. Nobody else. My fear of caring for a potential farce didn’t make me do it. His errors didn’t force me to make my own. My issues didn't make me do it. I did it. Me. I am at fault. I will face the consequences, and I’m sure they’re going to hurt. But you know, he has every right to be angry with me. It’s so nice when I self sabotage.. and by nice, I mean it sucks.
  

The Fear, Panic, & Impulse

I was editing my webpage and reading over all the hell D.B. put me through. I got to a few specific posts where I could see how blind I was to the most obvious lies and manipulations. I read over the heartbreaking ways he had my mind breaking down.
 

I recalled how D.B. lied about other women and projected the horrible things he was doing onto them.. He lied about them to me to make them look bad and make me jealous or feel threatened.
 

Then my stomach dropped as I reflected over how M. had left me in the dark about his ex for such a long time.. I thought about how M. said his ex cheated and kept coming back preventing him from moving on.. I worried what if he’s just like D.B. and he’s projecting and messing with my head too??
 

I was scared because he was ok with lying to me and throwing me aside twice before already… So what if the good, kind, struggling man I see and want is actually just..another fake?
 

What if the man I want to be kind to, touch, support, and well.. like.. isn’t even real?? It’s happened to me before. I thought I knew who D.B. was. I trusted and loved him. I trusted before and I got broken and thrown away like trash.
 

M. has thrown me away before too in his own way. I started seeing parallels and getting increasingly terrified. Plus M. got distant again over the past two weeks.. And in the past when he did that he was back with the ex or about to ghost me without closure. I don’t want to go through that over and over again.
 

My mind went wild. The fear was so severe it sucked me all the way into a panic. It’s hard to describe. It felt animalistic.
 

I went in an out of thinking clearly. Every time I started to calm down I would think of something else to send me into a new panic.

Some of the thoughts—

I remembered how M. never wanted anyone to see my car at his place and how he’d also said I got to kiss him while he was off the market.. Oh my God.. I got so worried.
 

My mind was so deep down in the fear and terror from what I’ve lived through before. 
 

My mind wondered- what if he was dating her the entire time and he is just an unfaithful whore?? 😨 What if he didn’t think I’d care that he was in love with someone else because he never saw me as a a real option? What if he never took me seriously, and just pretended he liked me so I'd be available for the few pleasurable things he wanted from me?? 
 

I told him I liked him and I told him the only reason I talked about his fantasies and wanted to sleep with him was because I liked him… But then he just casually throws out ’Ohhh by the way.. I was looking at engagement rings for another woman I’d been dating all summer and been hung up on this entire time but never bothered mentioning to you until she left me.. Even though I know you’ve been waiting for your chance with me for nearly two years.. Because I never gave a shit about you, you just passed the time and your feelings are a joke to me because you are.’ He didn’t really say that..but he might as well have in August.
 

Him coming out and dropping a bomb by saying he was in love with someone after never even letting me know he was in a relationship really, really hurt and made me feel so stupid.. and betrayed in a way. 
  

Why didn’t he tell me? Why was he ok with letting me just keep pining after him like that?? I wouldn’t have done that to him, because I care about his feelings! I don’t understand. I told him I liked him, cared, and repeatedly tried to spend time with him. He knew I liked him.. I don’t just like every man I see! I never ‘like’ people. It took me nearly 8 years to develop a crush after my second to last boyfriend. Then after D.B.. it only took me a year because when I met M. I was just .. whatever. The point is— How could he be so careless with my feelings? With me? I actually cared, and there were better ways he could’ve let me know he didn’t care about me other than waving how much he cared about someone else in my face and then mocking the fact that I cried for days over him because unlike his ex, I actually wanted him to stay around. I knew what I wanted. I've been knowing, and I told him numerous times.

Must be nice to have people care enough to be sad over you. Must be nice to have that and not give a damn because you're too busy chasing someone who makes you cry while someone good is right behind you crying because you made them think they stood a chance you never actually planned on giving them. Must be nice to be wanted by a woman with a huge heart but complain to that very same woman that nobody is ever going love you. Because I guess when he says nobody is ever going to love him, he means nobody he wants, because he never wanted me for anything more than an F-buddy. Ouch. I just hurt my own feelings writing that. Whatever. I digress—
 

Tuesday night into the early hours of Wednesday this week I was tripping. I was panicking. I was out of sorts and reliving things I didn't want to. I was having invasive symptoms and then some. 
 

I kept thinking things like:

What if nothing I think I know is actually what I think it is?
 

What if he has duped me too?
 

What if I am getting messed with and I've given M. too much credit because I see good in him?
  

What if my type is my type, and I will always like mean, dishonest men who use me like an object?? 
 

D.B. only saw big tits and a pretty face to use and boost his ego. Is that all M. sees me as too? Something to use and disregard?
 

I thought about how M. said he liked me well over a year ago then never tried to spend time with me or kept blowing me off… I thought of how he went back and forth.. How he vanished in a cold way for all those months right as things had seemed to be heating up between us in 2022.
 

I got so scared and sick to my stomach at the thought.. What IF he was in a relationship just like D.B. was with me and I was just one of the side girls he was using while he was dating his 'crazy' ex the whole time!??
 

And that's when my brain damn near fully imploded.. I wondered.. What if M. was the D.B. in his relationship and his ex was the me??? I always saw M. as my role and his ex as more of D.B’s role in their dynamic because she kept throwing him away like an idiot. Why the hell does she let him go at all? I don't get it. Maybe if he really was the D.B. in their relationship her saying goodbye would make sense..?
 

I would’ve wanted someone to tell me if a man I loved had deceived me or anything. I’d love answers about what D.B. was actually up to while we were together, but I’ll never get them. I’ll never have full closure and it leaves an ache having that lack of resolve.. So the thought of her having unkowns and being toyed with the way I was upset me too, even if part of me is jealous of her and mad at her for hurting M. What if she didn’t? I don’t know. He lied to me and has ghosted me before. That really hurt and caught me off guard. I’m tired of being blindsided by things that hurt. I’m afraid to believe him. I want to believe him, but. It’s confusing. Everything is lately. I just don’t know what’s what or who is who they say they are. And it’s embarrassing because I have all this fear and stress because I like the guy, and I bet he doesn’t think about me or worry at all. I don’t want to care— Eventually I won’t 🤞 
 

Whatever I'm still spiraling a little right now too. Obviously.  I won't be messaging anyone though. I'm sorry y'all, I'm trying to explain and I'm just going all over the place. I'm sorry. I will try to edit this and make more sense. Just give me a moment. It's hard to describe the fear and panic I felt. The threat of getting broken again seemed so real at the time. It’s starting to feel imminent again now. My head is tired.
 
I don’t want him sad or stressed. I want him to have his time alone, but I just got so scared and freaked out. I don’t really know. I’m not going to shame myself anymore. I’m trying to stop being so ashamed of how ridiculous I acted. I messed up. Life will carry on. I’ll figure out ways to prevent a repeat.
 

The Positives

I’m not sure. I guess if I could forgive him for his stuff and remained on standby for this long but he can’t forgive me for making an ass of myself and being problematic for a second.. then, that’ll be good to know? I’d forgive me, but then again.. I kind of give too many chances to people.
 

I’m too nervous to trust I see him correctly. Something about him getting quiet during Thanksgiving break brought back bad memories and feelings. I never suspected he was dating someone when he suddenly got distant the last two summers- but it turns out, he was.. So now I’m not sure how to interpret it. Getting ghosted really hurts me, and I just want to feel safe. I don’t know what I’m saying. And he didn't kiss me when I finally saw him. Which I get, but my feelings of being unwanted by him got amplified.

I also feel like part of me did this on purpose to scare him off. Not sure why.. because me being sweet, interested, and patient seemed to work just fine as repellent already. Ha.. Funny, but not. This is why I avoided men for so long. They scare me. I’m still feeling afraid and I don’t know how to make it stop. I will stop though, as soon I manage to focus elsewhere or disconnect the way I was trying to last week. 
  

I suspect my fear that he’s going to keep hurting my feelings and wanting other people left me subconsciously wanting to ruin it all now before it gets to the point where my heart can actually get broken. I don’t know. Look who sounds like the narcissist now.☹️
 

How is this positive? Umm.. I guess it isn’t unless he really was lying to me and playing me this entire time. It will be positive if my paranoid terror was right and I gave some random girl affirmation. Maybe it will show me how much he doesn’t give a damn? Not sure why I couldn’t accept that forever ago. I need a drink. I did a great job letting this go, huh? I’ll snap out of it. It’s still not the end of the world. :) 

I’ve grown, but I’m still that highly reactive girl.