• What Friend??

• Bitchy, Incoherent Rambling 😘

• 🐈‍⬛

• Hey, Mr. Man.
  

What Friend??

I'm about to fuss, and fuss, and fuss because I'm pissed; I have every right to be. It's time for me to stand up for myself. I'm snapping a little. It's a huge release. My turn to be selfish and harsh. I’m sick of people treating me like I'm not good enough to matter. SICK. OF. IT. 
 

I refuse to continue allowing insensitive individuals to walk all over me.. If someone is treating me poorly I'm going to speak up and out about it, even if they aren't interested in listening. Too damn bad! I still have something to say. I count.
 

I'm sick of being quiet and thinking it's all my fault.. No. Sometimes other people are simply jerks, and none of my own character flaws or mistakes justify them behaving in hurtful ways.
 

Since some people choose not to provide healthy communication which resolves little misunderstandings or conflicts...here's some stuff I bottled up over the past several months.. It is frustrating to try to talk to someone, only to get excuses or silence in return. Great, I'm venting my grievances where I can. Writing while triggered is how I self soothe. 🖤
 

I WOULD’VE HAPPILY DISCUSSED ALL OF THIS WITH THE PERSON IT IS IN REGARDS TO, BUT HE DOESN'T TALK TO ME..
 

I am not claiming to have been victimized by life or anything like that. I chose poorly again, but that doesn't mean I no longer have the right to acknowledge when I'm not ok with something. Working through this frustration helps me move on and recognize what unhealthy behaviors I have which cause problems, as well as what role selfish turds I attract play in causing harm.
 

Yup. 

I went from recovering from damage an abusive relationship left behind.. to being emotionally invalidated, misled, and ghosted by someone I was attempting to get to know and establish a little trust with. Got it. Trust needs to be 0. I'm used to pulling myself back up, but I didn't think the crush-guy would be a drain on me too!
 

I didn't want to be ghosted by a person I was hoping would be different. He wasn't. I didn't want that to be true. Sure, he is a complex human being, but regardless of any of his unique, admirable traits...when it comes to the traits which cause harm, he was the same. It was a familiar type of being brushed aside, doubted, misled, and confused. 
 

I'm a bit annoyed. 

He sure could smile and seem energized to be around me when I was just an attractive stranger, but when it became clear I was a person with feelings, struggles, a past, standards.. and God forbid.. needs.. Boom! Then he became super hesitant. Suddenly, I was having to try to show him I was worth his time..as he carried on acting like I wasn’t. 
 

When this man doubted what I'd been through with Dean, instead of me being strong and thinking "Well, fuck you!" I thought "What did I do to make him doubt me? Maybe I didn't explain myself clearly enough.. Maybe I gave him too much to process at once." It was a lot and a bit of a socially unconventional way for me to act so openly, but no, I didn't do anything to force him to be insensitive enough to respond with such a doubtful, unsupportive, and invalidating message... followed by hurtful silence and yet another form of being discarded. 
 

I had a huge crush on a man, and projected hopes onto him by hoping he'd behave like one. 
 

I wanted him to be someone who'd treat me right.. Someone who'd recognize that he's lucky to have me around.. I'd feel lucky to have that kind of man around. With this gentleman.. that was not how it went. 
 

Another man who doesn't know what he wants, or how to appreciate what he has. 
 

Another person who doesn't care about getting to know me or considering my feelings.
 

Another flippn' guy who makes me do all the uncomfortable work while he not so subtly attempts to guide me to do or not do certain things. Like when he said it was up to me, so I chose to go over. Then he blew me off by saying it had rained too much.. He hinted at it and a few other things in ways which made what he wanted very clear.. And guess who got their way every time but once.. he did. 

At least he admitted it and said sorry. But yeah, I'm so used to passive aggressive behavior that I automatically noticed and told him I'd prefer him be direct. I was hurt that he didn't want to see me..I was also hurt that he was inconsiderate enough to cancel on me after I'd gotten ready and made plans with him. If you say you will, that is supposed to mean you actually will. 

Consistency.. Consideration.. 

Instead, his actions expressed that he didn't give a shit about seeing me. Which, you’ve guessed it..hurt. He's a hurtful boy, huh? I liked him and he acted like he liked me.. He said he did.. Then he treated me like I was sort of..nothing. But, I'm not nothing. I'm a person. A sweet and goofy one (usually). 
 

He also kept being incredibly flirty and sexual, but when I tried to move forward and make plans to hang out together he'd blow me off. Then I'd mention to him how it made me feel confused and hurt.. His response one time was to say something like "I’ll be more aware..since you can’t tease just to tease." As though it was a negative thing I was doing because I didn't realize he was full of it?

I'm sooooooooooooo sorry that when a man says he wants me that I dare to respond to him like he actually wants me. WTF? Completely illogical.
 

I wasn't acting incorrectly, he was by claiming to want things he didn't! Shifting things and making me feel stupid for getting confused by his confusing behavior. 
 

I don't know him. I thought I would by now. Nope. All I do know is that I was right to be scared when I developed a crush on him last year, because being interested in him has only given me more hurt. Thanks so much. Oh well, at least I'm learning to call assholes out on their asshole-osity. lol 
 

Oh! oh!, that reminds me of when he told me that “You’re good at this guilt tripping stuff. I’m impressed.” after I shared my emotions in a vulnerable and frank manner. OHHHH HELLLL NO!!  I called him out on that awful statement right away!
   

I don't share my hurt feelings to induce guilt. I share them because that's what they are. If you hurt me I should be able to openly let you know without worrying you'll take it the wrong way. That statement made me afraid to share feelings.. Subtle manipulation of yours? Did you do that on purpose, or do you just naturally have toxic defenses that push others around in covert ways? Hm? 

And if your ass feels guilty, it’s likely because you did something wrong.. not because I was honest about how your hurtful actions hurt 🤦🏻‍♀️. Goodness gracious! Open your eyes sir. Me expressing real feelings isn't manipulation. Apologize without taking passive aggressive jabs at my character and intent! Ughtastic..
 

I DIDN'T WRONG YOU BY SHARING THE HURT I FELT, YOU WRONGED ME BY HURTING ME IN THE FIRST PLACE.. AND THEN WRONGED ME AGAIN BY SHUTTING ME OUT FOR BEING OPEN ENOUGH TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH. 
 

I thought he and I were getting to know one another and about to have some fun, but then it felt like he was just doing whatever the hell he felt like with me.. Including leading me on and making me feel foolish for not understanding his rude ass behavior.
 

He was a fool for acting the way he did. I'm not for entertainment. I'm a wonderful woman. I love having fun, but that's not all I am. Boy best recognize that, or stay gone. Whatever. I already can tell I deserve better, because a good man would make me smile, not stress and cry.
 

That's part of what pisses me off most, that he acted like a heartless piece of shit, but I don't feel like he is a heartless piece of shit. So what the hell is he doing?
 

Oh gosh.. and some of the insensitive things he said to me. It's kind of funny to think of now, but at the time..nope.
 

He treated me like he had to really, really think through being around or with me because I have 'restrictions'.. That's how he referenced my child. 
 

Another man who thinks it's acceptable to basically say out loud that I am too much of a burden. 
 

Another person who is unable to step back and see the many amazing strengths I have, yet can manage to very quickly point out the supposed drawbacks as they coldly criticize my 'market value'??
 

If someone has dating standards the exclude single parents.. that’s acceptable and their right....But there are certain things you shouldn't ever say to people because it is belittling and deeply hurtful. Being a mother makes my life worth living, and I LOVE my child. Anyone is lucky to have a shot to join our life and get to know him.. Don't refer to my wonderful little boy as an inconvenience, or a negative strike on my invisible score card. Just don't. Plus, this man knew I was a mom when he was telling me he was interested and talking to me all night leading up to this conversation. 
 

I'm a person, not some thing you can pick apart and keep only your favorite bits of. I am an entire person. I’m a beautiful, genuine, loving, complex person made up of both great and some less great parts. Geeeeeeze

His crass words came across like he has these standards I don't quite measure up to, all before he'd even bothered being decent enough to try to measure up to my frickn' standards! My standards = Be a good person (honest, loyal, merciful, considerate, and authentic.) 
 

Ugh. I wasn't asking for his hand in marriage, or to be in an instantly committed relationship with me! I wanted to hang out, talk, go on dates and just get to know one another better.. THEN, after some time and learning each other on a deeper level, if we both were mutually interested In pursuing something of more substance... tadah! 
 

But noooo. :( another man with double standards.
  

He can have a past, imperfections, and personal struggles.. but if I do.. then it's just way too much... 

Ya know, because he's going to hold out for that super beautiful, stable, and successful woman with no flaws to welcome him with open arms and never 'hold him back' by requiring effort and to be treated as more than just a good time or a status symbol. Boy please! You shouldn't get involved with people just so they can make you look good in some shallow social hierarchy you've imagined. 
 

Stop getting your standards for how the world works from people with an outlook that matches up with the shallow depth and crude focus of shitty, juvenile films like American Pie. If you don't, that's just how it came across when you brought up women's boob size and men's junk size/ego like those things actually hold significant meaning to life or determine anyone's worth. We all matter and are worth far more than our ranking on a 1-10 scale some mentally inept teenager came up with.
You can't care about others correctly, but you have the ability to focus intensely on temporary social status based upon physical attributes and career paths? Vapid. Fading. I need more, but you're on a desperate quest for less? Alright dear. 
 

People, or memories of people, don't need to be collected just to make you feel or look good. Who cares if your ex was a stand up comedian, a hair dresser, an actress, or a frickn' janitor?? I sure as hell don't care or think you are suddenly 'cooler' or less 'cool' based on what people/or how many people you've been associated with. 
 

Just be yourself. If you don't know who that is, figure it out because I'm sure you're cooler than whomever it is you wish you were.
 

All people are meant to be cared for, and you are a person with plenty to offer even when I’m frustrated. I'm mad at you and we cannot even make up because you’re being a total jackass.

Fussing Directly at Him for a Sec.

You treated me like I was an option and way to pass the time... Then once I asked questions that made is clear I had boundaries and standards for how I'm to be treated, you took a hard pass.
 

You ghosted my ass because I held you accountable, expected human connection, and let it be known that your inconsiderate behavior was baffling and hurtful.  

You ran because I would have held you to the basic standards of behaving like an honorable man. That too much for you? You cannot be a decent person? That's cowardly.
 

I wanted to be treated like a lady.. Which means I made it very clear that I wanted to be treated like me, my feelings, and my time mattered. How dare I?  I tend to do that when I'm getting to know a man whom has expressed interest in me just to then abruptly get distant and passive aggressive. 

My bad? No sir. That's your bad. 
 

I treated you like you mattered. I was there to listen. I was honest about what I wanted, felt, and thought. I apologized, I forgave, and I accommodated. It doesn't matter that we weren't in an official relationship, if you are interacting with someone (especially on a regular basis) consideration, respect, and kindness should be present. Anything less than that is unacceptable. 
 

What the hell did you do besides lead me on, belittle me, ignore me, and then bail in an extremely cruel way?? Hm? Not ok. 
 

When I told you once before that your behavior was confusing me, and that the intense confusion was stressing me out, your response was to first make me wait for the response..and then for you to point out how I should've known you'd suddenly stop talking to me. 
 

Yes.. I should have expected that after seeing each other for the first time and talking practically nonstop for several consecutive days that you'd then abruptly cut off all contact.
 

As though it was my fault for not expecting that nonsense, or for not being able to handle it better?? What? That's some fine gaslighting sir. Twist, shift, and deny. Yes please. My favorite. No. I hate it. Crazy-making, insensitive, man. 
 

You ran because I'm too much? Nah, you ran because I set boundaries when I asked questions regarding my need to know where I stood with you.
  

You ran because of YOU, because you clearly didn't see me or you'd still be looking. BAHA. Get it? :P Because I'm a lovely hot mess, and you've been nothing but a negative mystery inflicting hurt feelings and stress. womp womp wommmmp. 
 

I never thought by looking at you that you'd be an unappreciative player. BUT, I'm guessing you are because you've been so very hateful towards me. You don't delete people like that. You seemed so nice when I met you, that big heart just a show? Is it in there? Pft. 
 

I made the same mistake again, huh? Seeing good in a man that has none. Are you just like him? It's starting to feel that way. I can compare, because another him is what I need to avoid. So are you just another him? Another hateful, dishonest, selfish, manipulative, unappreciative coward? I wish I could magically know. Did you come with a warning label or anything? Anyway, there's more to let out and let go of--
 

Oooo, and then how you mentioned that my being too broken was at fault for why I was hurt by your actions and insensitive words. (in other words, if I weren't so broken/flawed I'd never have cared and been deemed 'too much to handle') How nice of you to shift blame to my unhealed traumas and insecurities for not only why I was feeling hurt, but also for why you were distancing yourself from me. How sweet and non-toxic for me. COUGH. 
 

Yes. Tell a woman that you and your own rude, insecurity inducing actions have upset that it only mattered to her because of how damaged (not good enough) she is. That'll solve the problem and build up her confidence too! 
 

Oh wait..no it won't.

It'll make her feel small, guilty, and like it's all her fault that you're ditching her after she made it clear she really liked you and only wanted to understand what was going on/where she stood with you.

It'll recreate shit she's been through too many times before.
 

It'll make her think she lost her shot with you because she ruined everything by being..faulty. And that will overtake her with shame.
  

It'll shift blame and responsibility to her for why you are going to discard her when all she did was express her feelings and ask what was wrong because she was confused by your unexpectedly inconsiderate and dismissive behavior. 
 

I'm so sorry that a good, pretty, kind, patient, loyal, genuine, and interested woman (that you were lucky you had a shot with) was just not satisfactory enough for you.. Makes total sense. Stay strong brotha! Keep holding out for perfection.. He or she is sure to arrive right in front of you never. 
 

And why the heck would a selfish, indecisive man think that an ideal, perfectly balanced woman would want to 'settle' for him? He thinks he's too good for a more than acceptable woman, but expects a person even further out of his league to not think she's too good for him? Arrogant much? 
 

What the hell is he offering? He can't even be nice or real. I was open and forward.. He told me he was, then wasn’t, then was again.. leaving me completely confused about what he wanted, felt, and was. 
 

I thought he was safe to be interested in and open up to because, well.. I knew I was good enough for him. He seemed totally into me until I started getting more into him. Once I started to trust he was somewhat safe, and felt I could let my guard down a little bit more because he was hanging around--POOF! 
 

Just let a man like this know you want him to be reliable or up front with you and he'll run so fast. That's how you know a man has piss poor character and a selfish heart. Fine..enjoy living for yourself and dying alone. Another narcissistic man child.. too asinine to appreciate anything or anyone real. 
 

Treated me like I had no value.. and that's not my fault. I have worth. I am a good lady. I offer a ton to any partner. I know my worth.. he can take his low opinion of me and shove it.
 

I've been so patient.. 

I've done lots of self-reflection..and tried to just let it go.. but the way he treated me so inconsiderately and dismissively hurts and is unacceptable.. Worst of all, it's incredibly familiar and triggering. 
 

I am finally really reacting. It may not be ideal, and I may regret being 'mean' later.. but right now it feels good to make a fuss and stand up for myself by calling out the bullshit. 
 

I'm hurt..and I'm mad at the injustice of being treated like total shit for absolutely no good reason. 

What the hell did I ever do to him? In what way did I exist incorrectly and offensively? What about me made this 'good guy' act like a fake, heartless, passive aggressive asshole????? 
 

I didn't do anything hateful towards that man. Being rejected happens.. but you can turn someone down or cut them out of your life in a way that isn't cruel. He failed to do so with respect and kindness. That's not ok. There's nothing that justifies causing me harm on any level. I deserve better. I deserve to be treated kindly. I'm done settling for less. 
 

I expected better from the man I had a crush on. I knew he was a little narcissistic, but he didn't seem heartless or malicious.. He more so just seemed wrapped up in his own stress/negative emotions.. Those kind of narcissism levels..not the more severe end of the spectrum. But I've been wrong before, so I don't know. 

I suppose I expected better from someone who doesn't come across as a full blown sociopath or abusive loser. It felt like there was at least some empathy there, but he didn't act on it.. so maybe the chaos he has to work through with himself cancelled it out? I don't know.. 

But even if he's got a lot of good in his heart and is just struggling really badly.. that doesn't make it ok to mistreat others along the way.
 

He hurt me. I really wasn't up for more hurt.. but I've got this. I'm resilient. Otherwise, 2020 would've taken me out permanently. I try so hard to do the right thing. I'm always trying to do no harm and to consider everyone's feelings and outlook.. but I'm frickn' tired of having to be perfect and never snap when I'm surrounded by assholes claiming to be good men. I have the right to get pissed off. I have the right to make mistakes.. 
 

I have the right to occasionally give in to a little bit of my repressed rage and just say.. Hey.. M, you're a selfish jerk. What the hell were you thinking?? I hope you're still around when my bouncy ass is strutting around that campus working towards my RN. I hope you see me smiling, looking stunning and full of positive energy.. Maybe when I have all my stuff together you can realize you're a moron for not jumping at the opportunity to get to know me. I'm that lovely woman now, and I'll still be her when I'm better organized and settled. I'm always me, and if you cannot see me when I'm feeling low, you sure as hell don't deserve my time when I'm riding a high. You were lucky to have a chance to keep me around, and you wasted it.. just like you've wasted my time. I'm a sweetheart that has finally learned to say..FUCK YOU. I can forgive, but can you apologize without making excuses? Can you apologize at all? You hurt my feelings, a lot. Not because something is wrong with me..that's irrelevant. You hurt my feelings by not behaving the way a good man should.

I seriously don't hate the guy, but I hate getting treated badly. I'm over it. So.. he officially sucks because he's chosen to treat me like I do.. and not in a fun way. 
 

If a man views me as a burden when I have so much to give.. and all he's offered me is pain and lowered confidence.. then he's not a kind, good, and solid enough man for me.  
 

If he thinks he's too good to apologize, and that I don't deserve his time, he can go fuck himself. I'm sure at least his hand is up to his standards. Haha

🐈‍⬛

Cringe time. :) ..This made me laugh though.

Y'all, once he brought up how most women don't do kegels.. and he implied that we all should in order to be.. satisfying enough? We never slept together, so I guess he was referring to allll the experience he's had with loose women or something. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Like I wanted to think about that. 
 

It was a pretty short discussion, but the fact that it was said so casually..as if it was normal to say women are obligated to improve/alter their natural anatomy for men that expect the 🐈‍⬛ to be a second sphincter! 
 

As if tons of us ladies don't already put enough effort into being deemed attractive enough. Now this? Ha. How else can we serve you sirs, while you guys are free to totally suck as friends and lovers. 🔥 HMMM? What can we do for you as you do absolutely nothing for us?
 

I'm laughing a little too much as I write this. I'm supposed to be mad! Oh well. I found this comment of his aggravating, but not some serious offense.. Just like, women in general are incredibly insecure about their bodies, and here's some dude complaining about the fact that vaginas feel like vaginas 🤣 Good lawd!
 

It came across like he thinks women are supposed to not only do tons of kegels in their free time, but should also actively put effort into doing them during sex..WTF?!?! Because that's how the female body functions when welcoming someone?? No. bahahahaha. Open the door, not slam it on the person as they start walking into the house! 
 

A body made to receive shouldn't be expected to actively try to force anything out as it's..ugh. You get my point. Maybe. Goes against everything the human body naturally does in response. And umm, who wants to be thinking a lot and preventing your own pleasure during the act itself? Like.. no. LMAO. It is already challenging enough for a woman to actually be satisfied by a selfish lover.. Sex isn’t solely about the man, it’s supposed to be mutually satisfying. Come on! 
 

He doesn't want men shamed for their penis size, but it is totally cool to dehumanize and shame women for their vaginas??
 

I work in the medical field.. those work outs he was referring to are to strengthen the pelvic floor, not the actual lady bits.. and it is for older ladies, or anyone concerned about bladder prolapse.

What kegel exercises are NOT for is to turn a woman's nether regions into something equivalent to the death-grip a man's hand has on his own junk. Stop touching yourself so much and maybe you'll remember how a woman is actually supposed to feel! ha
 

Such an uncool remark to make. It triggered me because it is dehumanizing, stupid, and also shaming a woman for not being good enough..AGAIN.. Don't shame women just because you got the false notion stuck in your head that you aren't big enough for em'. Nothing wrong with your body or theirs.. just stop being rude..Also, there's all kind of things you can do if you're having an issue with your own body..like positions and whatnot. You're welcome guys! hah. Anyway.. I need a nap. Maybe I should work out first? LOL just kidding.
 

Hey, Mr. Man

It’ll be ok. I’m just tired of this sort of thing. I’m tired of things going this way. My exhaustion with getting treated poorly by men I welcome into my life feels as though it has reached its limit. I can’t take it. This is why I stayed alone for those 7-8 years prior to D.B. 

I cannot handle how badly this sort of thing hurts me. Being treated like I’m nothing, it’s the kind of hurt that hits on a deeper level. That part isn’t your fault, but your actions were still inconsiderate and hurtful nonetheless. Not taking blame for that part. Your behavior was unfair and unkind. I deserve some kindness.

I know I did some of this to myself. I could’ve just not been all bold and crap and pursued you last February. I could’ve let my PTSD symptoms win when I was in that class, and have not indulged in the fun little crush feelings. I could’ve just cut off.