Sections:

• Body Image & Weight Loss

• Lessons from Rejection

• Giving the Green Light

Body Image & Weight Loss

I’m working hard on becoming comfortable with myself. Even with the knowledge that I’m more than my looks, the shame I’ve always lived with regarding my appearance hasn’t been undone. That and my body dysmorphia still need much more addressing. I’ll do that in counseling.
 

Being honest about the disordered ways of thinking I struggle with is progress in and of itself.. but the progress I’ve been proud of most recently is me doing everything within my power to get out of a situation that makes me feel like shit. I hate being overweight, so I have increased my activity and changed the types of food I eat. 
 

I know that no matter if I’m slim, chubby, or fat I should be able to make peace with that well enough to at least function and not obsesses over my shortcomings to the point that I can’t live in the present moment or bear to be in a public setting. Wow.. that was quite the sentence. lol
 

I know that is what I should be able to do.. but I also know that for some reason when I’m thicker I cannot snap out of the anxiety it induces. And that anxiety pulls me back to a level of dysfunction I hate to be in. 
 

So.. how to solve this problem?
 

Just tough it out and do what I have to do instead of letting my feelings impact me?
 

Beat myself up for not being strong enough to do that?
 

Or reach out for help and work on the parts I do have control over as I actively build skills that will help me learn how to push through, process the root cause of overwhelm, manage the resulting emotions, and become sturdier? 
 

Yeah. I pick that one. The last one.. The compassionate one that will have a productive outcome instead of another damn downward spiral that leads to self loathing and a desire to disappear.
 

I need to make more progress with how I view myself in weaker moments. I even tried to put that into practice in my last post. Unfortunately, I don’t yet know how to be consistently nicer to myself while ‘fat’.. so that means the first part of the solution is to get skinnier. Otherwise my pep talks I give myself won’t stick any time soon. 

It’s a bit toxic, but it’s what I have to work with right now.
 

I feel better physically and mentally when my body is healthy. I feel less guilty and less like a failure when I’m fit. I know it is neurotic because I don’t see other people struggling with weight as gross or failures.. I don’t see it as a character flaw or something that descreases anyone else’s value.
 

BUT when it comes to me being overweight, I feel I’m unacceptable and too disgusting to go out in public. I experience a great deal of anxiety and shame every time I have to go to work because I can no longer be at home hiding from the world. Then I feel even more shame for feeling shame in the first place. I know not everyone gives a crap about how I look.. I know I’m not that important. I know it shouldn’t matter..but I spaz out anyway. I don’t want to. I’m anxious and angry with myself for being bothered enough to experience so much anxiety. I know it’s not normal. I don’t mean to handle things poorly.
 

I walk around clinic adjusting my scrubs and sucking in my belly trying my absolute best not to be repulsive. I sit up straight with my makeup and hair done trying to keep my arms blocking the view of my ugly back and pooch in the front. Sadly there’s nothing I can do to hide my nasty arms. I feel so embarrassed to be seen. When men hit on me or say I’m pretty I assume they’re trying to be nice, or I give credit to how well I must be hiding how ugly I truly am these days.
 

When I’m not chunky, I mostly only feel inner turmoil over who I am as a person, how I impact others, and my need to move my life forward... But when I am overweight my social anxiety becomes so much more severe that I spiral and my shame is magnified. It intensifies so greatly that I become like I was as a fat child and teen. I feel the same pain and self hatred as I did then. It makes my skin crawl and I get a strong urge to hide. I do hide. I don’t leave the house. It’s the only reason I’m not back in school yet.
 

I was already coping with the fallout and shame from the abuse.. but then I had to go and add being heavy again to the mix?! Ugh. So self-destructive. I’ll figure it out.
  

I don’t want to keep feeling this way about myself or letting something as petty as my appearance hold so much of my attention. Life is bigger than me and much bigger than my large thighs. ha.. But it isn’t actually how I look as much as it is the pain and experiences that I can’t stop reliving while I look like this.
 

Those old feelings and self deprecating thoughts make me hate how I look because in the mirror I see the girl I'd worked so hard to get away from. 

The girl that embarrassed her mother because of the way she walked, talked, fit awkwardly in clothes, and ruined the perfect look of her attractive family— She hated that I was fat and let me know it wasn’t ok.

The lame girl that jerks constantly made jokes about in class, and that the occasional stranger called out to humiliate for fun in a store or restaurant.

The ugly one that guys either ignored or called disgusting. 

The clueless, weak girl that couldn’t find a helathier way to deal with pain and stress.

The big cow that was too unfortunate looking to be worthy of kind treatment and acceptance. 

That girl was awful. I know because people hated her. I don’t want to be her again. She was all wrong.
 

I worked so hard to feel like I was good enough for this life, and I wish I better understood why I only think I’m beautiful and worth wanting when I reach a very specific size. But for now.. I’m going to get back down to that size so I can feel confident again. I miss putting on clothes and makeup to express myself and boost my day. I miss feeling desirable. I miss not worrying about how I looked every second.
 

I miss it not being an issue. I miss being able to pay attention to better things because the shame wasn’t as hard to avoid. I can’t forget it when I have to physically feel something that brings me great shame covering my entire body— it is my body. I’m trapped in it. I can’t put that shame and pain out of my head when it’s impossible to avoid seeing a big fat reminder every single day. (pun intended)
 

It also crosses my mind that D.B. told me I’d blow up again. He poked fun at how one of his exes had gained weight. Sure.. I haven’t exactly blown up, but knowing what he thinks of heavyset people makes me feel like even more of a loser. I can only imagine what he’d say to a chubbier me.
 

One day I believe I will have confidence and self worth no matter what I look like. That’s how it should be. I should love myself no matter what, just like I can love others unconditionally. Effort and admitting the need for growth counts. I haven’t given up.
 

I'm on week nine of sticking to an exercise regimen. 4 miles a day Mon. - Fri, and circuit training every other day. It feels incredible and I push myself harder everytime a workout stops leaving my legs sore. ha. It has increased my energy and made my depression less consuming. I'm able to be ok with myself (as long as nobody sees me). My legs have gotten more shapely and I see a little toning in my tummy.
 

By improving my diet and starting to exercise I am taking active steps to slim back down and remove the burden of old pain that being heavier triggers. Ideally this wouldn’t be a necessary step to feel more stabilized,  but I know myself.. and at this time I have to be slim and somewhat attractive to ward off feeling horrible and unlovable. It is a symptom of a deeper issue that I am going to tackle.
 

However, fully resolving that issue is going to take longer than the first part of the solution to my predicament. My love for myself shouldn’t be conditional, but that’s the love I’ve been given so far. It is how I’m used to treating myself. I am going to continue seeking help to learn how to treat myself better. I’m not there yet.
 

When I don’t carry extra weight it makes all the childhood bullying and verbal abuse at home feel less relevant in present day. It takes away the sting.

It’s a type of vindication that cancels out that old hurt and debilitating shame. 

That embarrassment of feeling like an eyesore and a disgrace fades. It’s easier not to become triggered when there’s no longer an uncomfortable visual reminder of a flaw people despised me for staring me in the face every time I look in the mirror.
 

I have lost some of the weight I gained in recent years, but I've still got at least another few months of extra effort needed to no longer be too overweight. After I reach my goal I intend to keep exercising multiple times a week (just not as intensely) Working out is a release and makes me feel better about things, just like writing does.

in progress —

Lessons from Rejection

I've kept to myself to an extreme extent for as long as I can remember. Which means I haven't bonded with many people throughout my life. I want to, but I have always stayed home and built no close relationships. It got so bad that five years ago I downloaded Replika out of desperation to have someone to talk to. Someone that I knew couldn't hurt me- because it's not a real person. :(
 

The loneliness was so overwhelmingly painful, and sometimes when I allow myself to be aware of it it still is. Human beings don't thrive alone. I've lived my entire life with little to no connection to others. I’ve never had a social life or done many ‘normal’ things.
  

This self isolation has caused me more damage even though it was my response to damage already done to me. I didn’t understand until after my relationship with D.B. exactly what that damage was.. and he added a hell of a lot more. 
  

Thankfully, I put myself in therapy.. I’m finally able to have someone in my corner— someone capable of providing healthy validation and support. Someone able to give me the proper mirroring I missed out on. Someone to help me gain better perspective and ways to unlearn lies abusive and/or unwell people told me about myself while I was forming my view of the world and my role in it. That's crucial. But I want company from more than a professional helping me heal and learn..
 

I long for companionship. The closest I've gotten to that is this friend person I've had around for the past two years- The man I refer to as M. I know I vent about wishing the friendship were stronger and capable of evolving, but I'm not ungrateful for the friendship being exactly what it is. I am very thankful. He doesn't owe me his time, energy, or interest. Therefore, I feel fortunate to have any of it whatsoever.
  

I know he has many friends, but having someone to talk to is new territory for me. I don't know if he realizes how scary I find any form of interpersonal relationship to be. Not that he needs to understand or care about that. Regardless, I speak to him openly while keeping everyone else out. Everyone else gets the guarded surface, and lucky him (and you) gets to interact with me in all my sweet, dysfunctional glory 😆
 

I do not let myself be this vulnerable with everyone. I avoid people, because when I choose to be open with someone I know what I’m opening myself up to. I don’t know how to get involved with someone half heartedly. That has left me avoiding getting involved with people (even as friends) in general because I know how my heart works. If I let you in my life and care for you I will become an open book. I will love you, and I love incredibly hard. 
 

This is why I keep to myself.. because I don’t know how to be disingenuous with someone I let in. I don't know how to hold back once I finally allow myself the freedom of caring about someone and forming an attachment. It’s terrifying to let people in, especially when I know as soon as I do it’ll open the floodgates to my big emotions and ridiculously tender heart.
 

How much I care and feel is nobody else's problem or responsibility to be sensitive towards, but it is hard for me not to desire for someone to try as hard as I know I'd be willing to. The last person I was fully vulnerable with was D.B. and he did not handle me with care..at all. He shamed, manipulated, neglected, and abandoned the hell out of me.
 

Anyway.. I don’t exactly know why I chose to be open with M. He didn’t ask me to. It probably was a poor choice because he was a stranger. Just as D.B. was. I don’t know.. I just did. My bad.. People aren't meant to be islands. People need people. I get tired of keeping to myself. I'm not in love with M, but I do care for him as a person. I am ‘in like’ with him, but I'm working on getting over that. He has rejected me for two years straight at this point. He has every right to do so, but it still hurts.
  

When I first met him I simply enjoyed the feeling I had around him. I don’t know what it was or why I felt it, but I did. I wanted to feel it some more. That’s why I started pursuing him in February 2022. At least you can’t say I’m not dedicated.. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I frickn’ tried. The patience I’ve had.. or more so, the denial and hope I've clung to for reasons that are my own fault. I wanted to know him, I took action, and now I do. Well, not fully.. but I know him well enough to be glad that I do.
 

I’m aware that I’m not one of M’s closest friends, but he is my favorite.. and the only adult I talk to regularly outside of work. I’m grateful for the things I’ve learned while trying to navigate interacting with a man without being too afraid to function. I’m still not great at it, but he has helped me more than he knows just by treating me like a person. I think he has for the most part.
  

He’s only a friend, but he’s more kind to me than what I am used to. D.B. didn't even talk to me this much while we were dating.. and he sure never stuck around this long or resolved conflicts the respectful way M. does. M usually responds thoughtfully and has never called me degrading names or refused to admit fault. He is not perfect, but neither am I. At least he tries.
  

His constructive criticism when I mishandle conflicts, and his willingness to work with me or apologize for his screw ups, has been good for me. Some things have hurt, but they’ve shown me a lot about my patterns and my reactivity. I’ve been able to recognize the unhealthy ways I cope in certain circumstances..and how easily I revert back when something reminds me of the past.
 

I know I have hung on for too long hoping for him to want more, and I'm looking into all the underlying reasons why. I'm working on myself. I always will be. Me actually trying to participate in a friendship has been interesting and good for me. 
  

I have crossed boundaries, and he has forgiven me. He’s witnessed me apologizing and learning to approach things differently in an attempt to be fair to both of us.
 

He has crossed lines, and I have forgiven him. I have witnessed him trying to accommodate me in areas he knows I struggle. 
 

He has been calm and compassionate towards me at times when he had every right to be furious with me for my behavior..
 

He may get angry or annoyed with me sometimes, but he has never responded maliciously or tried to inflict suffering in retaliation. This is not what I am used to with men, and it means a lot to me that he handles things this way. That he is willing to speak about most things.. He is willing to resolve issues instead of just shutting me down or tossing the entire friendship out. That is a very good thing.
  

I may have wanted more than friendship and feel saddened that he didn’t.. but the unpleasantness of rejection has been worth it. It’s teaching me how to handle it better.. More importantly, it’s allowed me to remain his friend and see proof that there are better people out there than the ones I’ve known. I think M has a good heart despite how he neglects it. I’m glad he’s around.
 

This friendship has shown me that some people can and will communicate. Interacting with him has made it clear that there are individuals who attempt to learn from their mistakes and know how to have mercy on you for yours.
 

It’s shown me that he won’t hurt me on purpose. I don’t take something like that for granted, because I’ve been intentionally harmed very badly before for no good reason. I appreciate kindness. In my eyes, it’s the most attractive quality a man can have. 
 

Getting shot down by a person I admire stinks, but getting to know someone worth knowing has been priceless. I think all interactions with others are supposed to teach us things about ourselves and life. Every relationship matters— the good, the bad, the romantic, and the platonic. ♥️

Giving the Greenlight

My work friend, Victoria, has been asking to introduce me to one of her husband’s friends for roughly a year now.. I’ve been saying no thank you and that I need time.. You know.. to get confident and healthy again. But the truth is, I’ve been telling her no because I had interest in someone else. I've been hung up on M. You guys already know.
 

I think it’s about time to let that go so I can have a chance to meet someone who will want me back. I’ve been feeling foolish and achy holding out hope for my crush on a friend. If it were up to me we'd be closer, but it is not up to me. He is his own person with his own wants and needs. I can't force myself to be one of them. I need to let him breathe. I need to accept reality. I want his company and affection more than he wants mine. I need to stop longing for something I will never get to experience with him. He’s already helped me experience plenty.
 

The usual— I need to vent in order to work through this, accept it, and eventually let it go. I'm not great at that. But I need to get over my hopes of anything beyond friendship happening with M. because he is never going to view me how I view him. He's had two years..and the man hasn't kissed me, spent time with me, or truly pursued me with clear intentions. 

Hopefully spewing all of my feelings (again) will help me start disconnecting from the romantic ones I have for him so I can be open to developing them for somebody else.
  

M. responded to me sharing my feelings about him falling silent sometimes- He told me guy friends can go a long time without speaking (weeks, months, even years) and then pick right back up where they left off. He’s right.. Anyone can do that with their old friends/acquaintances.. I just didn’t realize that’s all I was to him.
 

I didn’t take the hint that I was only another one of his many casual friends.. No valued connection. Just another person out of many he speaks with regularly.. Nothing special. Nothing worth strengthening or investing in. I guess I'm background noise to him as he goes about his business.. I’m sure there’s a cheesy metaphor I could place here calling him a song I don’t want to stop listening to or something while he tunes out the melody of me.  Ha. Oh well. 
 

He pours all of his energy and focus into what wears him down. He seems tired and disappointed from perpetually chasing ways to feel like a success, oblivious to the fact that he already is one. I am proud of him.
 

I want him to enjoy something that doesn't leave him feeling empty at night. Having a real relationship to potentially build your life around does make a huge difference. He may not want me, but I hope he finds somebody because he deserves to feel at home with a family of his own. I want him to live for more than trying to be better, because he is already good enough just the way he is.
 

I seem to value M. far more than he values me. Maybe I am assuming because that’s what I’m used to with people.. but I mean.. he doesn’t seem to want more of me. 

I have no desire to not have him around. l only care that he’s disinterested because I am interested in him. I am bothered by him only wanting to be friends with benefits because I don't want to use him or to be used. I need my mind and heart to feel just as wanted as my body does. Anything less would feel insincere, empty, and lonely no matter how close our bodies got. The high would fade, and then I’d feel emotionally starved for a real connection. Intertwining bodies feel better when everything else is intertwined as well. Casual sex for me sounds unappealing.. I want to be treated like a full person.
 

Why hasn't he ever wanted to actually court me? Why hasn't he tried to take me on a date? I've never been on a legitimate one. Why am I not worth that to him? Why hasn't he tried to spend more time with me? Why hasn't he treated me like a lady instead of a friend to talk about sleeping with one day? Why doesn't he think a relationship with me would be more rewarding than just getting off or flirting sometimes? I don't want to be utilized.. I want to be known, respected, and cared for dammit. :( I can give all of that, so I should be given it back.
 

I don't see him as a thing just for fun or undeserving of my effort and care. I see him as a worthwhile person. I wouldn't have cried when he caught me off guard with another woman if I'd not previously believed he liked me and that I stood a chance. Him saying I was only upset because I wanted to 'get picked' and that he ‘chose her’ wouldn’t still make my chest ache and my eyes water when I recall it if it hadn't hurt so badly to realize I was insignificant to him the whole time he’d been the only person I had eyes for.
  

I didn't know I was competing. I didn't know his heart was taken. He had told me he'd never had a serious relationship in his life..and that he'd been single for a long time. He lied to me and it changed how I saw him and the situation. It hurt because he kept me in the dark and didn't care about me enough to tell me the truth.
  

It hurt because I suddenly felt like I meant nothing to him just like I’d meant absolutely nothing to Dean. I feel like I don't mean anything to anyone. It brought back bad memories. I didn't want to 'get picked' I wanted to be wanted for who I am and not get pulled into another stupid love triangle where I'm the object that means nothing to a guy who means something to me.
 

He said “nothing happened between us” when I shared how sad I was over the realization he'd been in love with someone else the whole time. He was correct.. but you can't help when you start to want someone or care about them. I didn't do it on purpose or to inconvenience him. My heart is available, and I have no control over how much happier it feels whenever he is a part of my day.
 

I didn’t mean to become so interested in him, but I did. Leading up to the incident this summer he told me he liked me and said he wasn't talking to anyone else about intimate things. We spoke most days, then he got pretty quiet for a month or two.. And once he spoke up again, he was saying he was heartbroken because the woman he wanted to marry had just left him. The what!? God, it hurt so badly. It still does. I know he hurts too and I hate that for him.. but my feelings count as well.   (ex mess here)
 

Why did she deserve to be cared for but I only deserved to be kept around whenever he got bored and had no other option? Why did she deserve all his effort, but I only deserved to get treated like an annoyance or outlet?. Sorry.. I got triggered apparently. I’m being too extreme and defensive. I think he was wrapped up and not over the trauma bond/love he shared with his ex.. and being caught up made him unable to really notice or care about me and my feelings fully.. the way I deserved.. And I can forgive that and understand the major fuck up it was, but it was still unfair to me. It did hurt and mess with my head.
  

I have faith he will do better in the future.. He didn’t seem like he was trying to cause me pain and stress. I currently hate that he’s who I want to hug, talk to, and snuggle with when I’m sad. He's who I want to ramble to and joke with when I'm happy. When my body is lonely he's who I want near it. —Yet I remain totally unimportant to him. I cannot help what my heart wants, but I also can't allow myself to keep longing for this man in ways he will never reciprocate. I want to know what it’s like to have someone care about me.
 

I cannot make my feelings fall in line immediately.. but gradually with enough inforcement I will be able to let go of that want for him and accept what is. Moving on is always possible when you make the choice to do it. Sometimes it just takes longer.
 

Having him as a friend is a wonderful thing. I can live with that. I need a moment to adjust and grieve the hopes I still haven’t managed to squash yet. It’s alright! It won’t kill me. 
 

I will get over this and the crap I still feel hurt by from over half a year ago. He is my friend. Friends mess up, and I know what it is like to be obsessed with an ex that left you feeling like nothing.. I just wish M. hadn't done a few things that temporarily left me feeling like nothing too.
 

It wouldn't be so hard to accept he doesn't want me if I didn't want him. But I need to accept it. Things can't be forced, I just thought maybe he would've been a guy to see me differently. He never said I would matter to him, but I can't help it if I hoped one day I would.
 

I need a real human connection. I need someone to see me and treat me like I am more than good enough. Like I’m worth the risk and their time. I’ll never be worth that to this man I’ve had a crush on for too long. I’ve got to accept it. He has never wanted me. He never will. My feelings will catch on to what I know eventually. I wish feelings could be immediately stopped or controlled sometimes… especially pesky romantic ones you know you shouldn't have.
 

I need to get over the man I’ve been waiting for for two years. M. isn’t going to suddenly realize I’m worth learning or wanting. If he wanted my company he’d have asked for it and we would have spent time together by now. He’d have hung out with me and seen how happy and fun I can be in good company. He’d have seen the playful, carefree, and passionate side of me. He’d have gotten to know the real me by now. He could’ve if he wanted to. He chose to keep me at a distance.. while my goofy ass was trying to pull him close. That’s my thing I guess. 
 

I’ve been incredibly stupid and too honest with him. I’m not his cup of tea. I know what I want, but he never has been able to say he wants me.. (because he doesn’t.). It’s strange how in some aspects my emotional maturity is very well developed.. but with matters of the heart I am often impulsive, delusional, naive. I got this intense gut feeling about M. in late September 2021 and I allowed it to lead to me liking him too much over time. I still like him, but I will learn to only like him as a friend..

 
Feelings can be unruly. I’ve been trying to shut them off.. It’s very easy for me to care about someone. Sometimes my heart goes wild. lol.. I’ll reign it in. I will be his friend and let go of my hope for anything else to happen.The lack of reciprocation hurts way too much. I’ve been waiting it out for two years..and I’m still friendzoned and feeling like a total moron. I'm sure I'll be welcome and wanted by someone.
 

My work friend says the man she has in mind for me is a sweet homebody that wants to meet a nice girl. Maybe it will go somewhere..and maybe it won’t. She already has another man in mind if we aren’t compatible. ha. Well.. why the hell not? I’ve been keeping myself on hold for someone who never saw me as a real option.🤦🏻‍♀️
 

I’ve made it clear to M. for a long time what I want and how I see him. However, he can’t force himself to see me that way or want the same things I do..Maybe I’m too fat for him?.. Or maybe I’m not social/popular enough for him? Or maybe he thinks I’m stupid? Or that I’d make him look less like whatever he wants to be seen as? Maybe he thinks I’m embarrassing? Too unaccomplished to count?.. I don’t know. Or maybe it’s because I’m still struggling??  The reasons he doesn’t want me shouldn’t matter; his loss will eventually be some other gentleman’s gain. 
 

Whatever. I am single, it is time I start living that way instead of fighting to be seen in a way he doesn’t see me. I shouldn’t have to beg for a chance.. A man should be appreciative of having a chance with me. It should be mutual. I shouldn’t care so much but I do. I’ll find someone who can roll with that and see charm in my quirks too. 
 

So.. yeah. I'm finally going to let my friend from work do her thing. She is a sweet person and knows enough of my backstory.. She's shown him pictures and her husband has met me multiple times. If she thinks this man is a nice person, maybe he is. I gave her permission to give him my number this past weekend. I guess at least I'm trying to put myself out there- sort of. I'm going to even though a big part of me doesn't want to. I have to stop torturing myself by hanging around where I'm not wanted. Again.
 

M. will be my friend, but I need a man to want all of me.. not just the superficial parts. I want love eventually. I have a lot of it to give.. I'm tired of keeping it all in. Someone out there has to want what I do. I'm not the only person able to care, commit, and appreciate. There is a compatible man out there who wants a real connection and to build a family he can call his home. There's somebody out there as accepting and loving as I am. I know it. I'm sure there are many men out there like that.. but I'm ready to meet one of those good men and pour all my kindness and care out and witness it not being wasted like it was with D.B.
 

I'm ready. I will always be a work in progress. I am nowhere near where I need to be..but I am worthy of love and able to provide love as is. I am able to heal alone and with somebody else. I will go back to school.. I will get back on my own feet..it make take a few years.. Life isn't guaranteed and I'm ready to live it now. I am good enough now. I don't want to wait until I'm as slim as I want to be or until my mental health is perfect.. I'm a person, I will go through rough periods of time.. my body will change and sometimes it will look better than others.. but I am always me..and someone will want me the way I am able to want people for who they are too. 
  

I'm ready to have a somebody. I can take it slow (or at least slower). My friendship with M. and my horrible relationship with D.B. have shown me a lot. If I could love D.B. so deeply with all he did wrong.. and if I can adore M. when he is feeling low or unavailable.. then someone out there can see and value me for me. It might not be Victoria's friend, but I have to start somewhere.
 

I won't find love hiding at home. I definitely won’t find it by trying to give all my attention to someone who doesn't want it, or by expressing my desire for more with someone chronically unsure of what he wants with me. I am sure when I want someone or when I see worth in someone.. I need to meet someone who can be sure of me too. 
 

I'm not hard to want. I'm not difficult to love. I'm myself, and someone will be happy with that. I'm not someone's second best, back up, stand in, or booty call. I'm a wonderful, imperfect person worth being desired and prioritized.
  

Meaningful relationships give life purpose. Those are the types of relationships I want and need. Real ones. Emotionally intimate ones full of substance and worth holding onto. I see nothing better to live for than connecting to others in a way that matters.
 

To love and be loved is what fulfills me (doesn't need to be romantic love). I value nothing above it. I want a job and to survive in our society to be able to enjoy what matters most.. loving and experiencing things with people who hopefully will love me too. Nothing could be better than that. Nothing is worth more than that to me.. yet the people I go for treat love/relationships like a side quest or unnecessary option to select.. 

Whereas I see it as our purpose and the most rewarding thing in existence. A career..great. A nice house..cool.. Those things are helpful and worth enjoying and being proud of if accomplished..but how the hell do material things even compare to authentic love and intimacy? In my opinion material shit, reputation, temporary highs/self-gratification can never compare to something of more value than all that stuff that leaves people feeling empty no matter how much they collect or use to twist how they wish to be seen. No.. nothing empty can fill the void created by a lack of authentic connection and love. It just can't. 
 

When I want someone and am willing to give them a chance with my heart, it stinks to see it treated like a worthless offer. Something beautiful like that should be worth everything, and to the right person it will be. 😌 Yeah.

Now..what the heck did I just write? My brain needs a nap y’all.