PURE SELFISHNESS

07/14/2021

His Pure Selfishness &
My Pent-Up Frustration

This post goes back and forth between speaking to you and speaking to him. I write majority of these when I’m in an emotionally heightened state. I write when I’m feeling the most confused, hurt, and outraged because it helps soothe me.. But I’m sorry if that makes some of my writing a bit too chaotic to follow! 🖤 


Sections:


My Needs & Mistrust
(“Too Pushy” & “Challenging”)



He wondered why I didn't trust him when he'd come back swearing he cared and had good intentions. He’d become flustered and ask me to believe in him and have blind faith each time, no matter how many times he had failed me and hurt me already.


My older post,  His Speechesis precisely why I had no trust or faith in him. It is why I needed constant reassurance when he'd first crash back into my life after breaking my heart. I wasn't afraid, needy, and confused because I was crazy, selfish, and inconsiderate of him and his hardships...How I was suffering and lost was a direct result of the mistreatment I endured because of him.


My behavior that he HATED each time he 'hoovered' because it demanded effort and patience from him..My behavior that he called unfair and “f*cking crazy”..it was all a
 consequence of his choice to abuse me..And it is a consequence he blamed, shamed, and ditched me over each and every time he returned. Picking up the pieces to help mend me and us back together was always too much work and too scary of a concept for him.  
 

So..instead he'd say I made the original mess, and then he'd run away making the mess even bigger while telling me that I brought that painful addition upon myself as well..He’d inflame the scars, cause new injuries, and leave me to clean up the overwhelming wreckage all alone..but not until after he’d make sure to show me why I deserved every bit of excruciating pain being inflicted.


I was nearly destroyed mentally, emotionally, spiritually roughly one year ago, on my ex's birthday.

This Past Year He Has—


AROUND THIS TIME ONE YEAR AGO HE:


Led me on with talks of our inevitable marriage and his a desire to have a baby immediately (which I said “No.” to.) 
 
Shamed me for being vulnerable enough to share with him that I wanted the same things he had just claimed he wanted, and had also claimed he wanted many times before. 
 
Shocked me with with massive contradictions such as him stating that he NEVER wanted or was ready for love and a serious relationship..and that he NEVER would want that-with anybody-ever. 


Completely blindsided me by casually ending our relationship and saying "Let's just scrap the titles"


Devastated me with all the aforementioned, and then refused to talk to me, see me or provide closure or any kindness. He told me I crossed the line and that he would never speak to me again. He blocked my number and it was over less than a full 72 hours after he’d held me in his arms promising we were going to make it through anything and that I never had to worry about him leaving me or hurting me the way he did in May ever again.


He left, deleted me, discarded me like he was just deleting an old recording he didn't want to watch anymore.. Not only like I no longer was wanted, but like I wasn't even a person. Like I was nothing.




AND THEN AFTER THAT HORRID MESS ON HIS BIRTHDAY 7/2020:
 

He returned one month later( Early August 2020), confused me more, led me on with false hope, blamed me more, abandoned me again and broke my already pulverized heart even worse-all within less than three days. Blocked my number/ deleted me from his life like I was nothing.



AND THEN AFTER THAT:


He returned a little less than two months later
( Late September 2020), confused me more, led me on again with bigger promises and apologies, blamed and shamed me more/ telling me it was because I was too crazy and that he met someone better without all my baggage..a mere days after saying he wanted to marry me and that I was the only one he'd ever want. Abandoned me again. Blocked my number/ deleted me from his life like I was nothing.


THEN AFTER ALL OF THAT:


He returned roughly four months later
(Late January/Early February), confused me more, led me on again and attended couples therapy with me to prove dedication, blamed and shamed me when his insensitive and triggering words caused me harm, stonewalled me then shamed me further as he abandoned me yet again with an added threat on top-stated he'd show my therapist all the texts I sent him-(which would not have made me look like the abuser or a crazy person to a trained professional who understands domestic abuse.) Broke my heart again, blocked me/deleted me from his life like I was nothing..


And right before my birthday, even though I begged and poured my heart on via text because he left me unblocked for several days. He treated me like I was nothing.



AND THEN AFTER ALLLLLL OF THAT:


(The trauma from the shock, broken reality, betrayal and  abrupt abandonment on his birthday..the 'hoovering' three times within six months, which just made the pain of that the main discard on his birthday last longer and longer and inflamed the injuries while hindering or destroying the already painfully tedious and slow progress of my recovery..my healing from the the abusive hell he
put me through):


Then he comes back AGAIN, roughly six months later(July 2 2021), confuses me more, led me on again, but more so just got my hopes up to see him. He let me down once more. Caused brief cognitive dissonance and acute pain (which only lasted 24 hours this time-booyah!) Blamed and shamed me indirectly, stonewalled then gaslighted by claiming that he was not stonewalling or being ugly to me, then he abandoned me, blocked me/deleted me from his life
like I was nothing. 


I told him I still wanted him no matter what the truth was, and asked him not to go. But he left, like I was nothing.




AFTER  A  YEAR  OF  DRAGGING  OUT  THE  PAIN  OF WHAT  HE  DID  TO  ME  &  HOW  BADLY  HE  CRUSHED &  SCARRED MY HEART:


He came back, after dragging out the HELL of the abusive relationship and that traumatizing experience of his birthday for an entire year!


He came back after a year still claiming to fear commitment. 
Then why the hell was he back if he was still unable to man-up at the age of 41?? Stop wasting my time! I want to work towards something, not piss around with a dead end. 


He came back without instantly apologizing for the inhumane, selfish and unacceptable way he behaved during the last 'hoover' in which he attacked and abandoned me again, like I was nothing. 

No. Instead when he finally talked about it for a moment, he said 
"You challenged me too soon on that. On what I fear most, commitment”
 
AKA-shifted some of the blame for how his behavior was actually ABUSIVE onto me again. I had pushed too hard, asked for too much by asking him "Do you still love me and want to be with me" a couple of days after he had declared exactly that. Once again, it was at least partially my fault, if not all my fault, according to him. His sly wording choices didn't hide the fact that he was avoiding holding himself accountable for abusing me. 


Each hoover followed by abandonment, each character cut down and misplacement of blame and shame IS ADDITIONAL ABUSE. 


Then he'd return either half-apologizing, or not apologizing at all..but either way he'd find a way to slip in how I caused it.(my mistreatment) He’d knowingly inflict even more pain..It made me feel like I was nothing.


Always My Fault


Hoover 2-

I was selfishly asking him to call to talk and be there for me when I knew he was busy. I wasn't 'backing off' -MY FAULT he left and acted abusively.



Hoover 3- 

I was selfishly asking him to talk to me when I needed reassurance through a simple conversation I requested over the phone when I was struggling due to the past and the insecure state it had me currently in-once again -MY FAULT he was leaving and acting abusively.



Hoover 4-

I was selfishly asking for reassurance yet again after I called to tell him I was scared and he’d mentioned doing exactly what he knew I was most scared of..Then I selfishly asked him a basic question and requested to have a conversation for clarity and to resolve the issue.-MY FAULT he left and acted abusively.


 

Hoover 5- 

I was selfishly asking for communication, patience, forgiveness and to not be ignored for 6-12 hours straight after having shared with him my fears and hurt feelings prior. I obnoxiously dared to call him out when he started acting a little shady. I apologized for being triggered and selfishly asked to discuss it on the phone..to resolve any issue and get back to a positive good place. -MY FAULT he left and acted abusively with his denial/gaslighting, stonewalling, and then cold discard and refusal for closure..the usual. MY FAULT.


How convenient 

that the self-admitted abuser is NEVER to blame for why things don't work out and we implode. Surely it must be the person who is willing to compromise, apologize, modify her behavior, commit, and listen to what you have to say, who is causing the issues. Surely it is the victim of your abuse making the relationship hostile and leaving a huge mess behind..Surely not YOU-the actual problem who is always pointing at the person you're mistreating as being the problem and the finger pointer. 🤦🏻‍♀️ My lawd.


Boy..you best take the projecting and blame shifting and stick it back up where it belongs before you come back around pretending to care. At least come back and be halfway honest. Stop with the lies and games. If you want to hang out and not love me-own it- and give me the opportunity to consent to the actual mess I'm getting into..

 
You are a grown man, stop acting threatened and disgusted by a woman who stands her ground and knows you're full of shit.


And MAYBE be clever enough to take advantage of the fact that a woman who knows all your nonsense still wants you around, instead of ditching her to hang out with people who don't see YOU yet. I see you sir, I see you and your hot mess of a brain and still care and was down to spend time with you-but you rejected me..you feel big and bad now? Feel powerful now that you were asinine enough to turn down a spending time with someone you know very well is too good for you? Idiotic choice. Almost as stupid as MY choice to talk to you. lol Never said I wasn't messed up too..I'm just not the abusive butt who keeps running and being cruel for no good reason.


I insult you because I am stating your qualities that cause damage..and they just so happen to SUCK. Not my fault you're an asshole, is it? lol. So I am stating the facts that your character flaws happen to be very offensive because they are toxic to those around you. I am not stupid..maybe you will catch on to that eventually. I have moments, I mess up..but I am smart enough to know exactly who you are by now D.B. Stop trying to hide man. Just stop—


Sure, I made the choice to speak with him again each time. Poor choice, I own it. But that does not excuse his bad behavior, abusive ways, or pure selfishness. I did not MAKE HIM be cold, quiet, negative and unavailable. I DID NOT make him run away and treat me poorly again. HE chose to be cruel and selfish. He chose to prioritize his pride, fears, and temper over me- the woman he supposedly loved until I MADE HIM leave by acting poorly. I'm the one who makes us fail..not the abusive, selfish partner who is scared of being a real partner. OK sweetheart.

 

When he returned he said he realized what he did and didn’t want for his life. He said he was back because he didn't want to end up like his dad and be alone. He came back for HIM. He said he was sad and struggling with the difficult time HE was having. So he was openly saying he was only reaching out because he was lonely, feeling bad about himself and wanted more/better for HIMSELF. And he saw NO FLAW with this logic or way of approaching me..at all. I sure did, but I didn't mention it until later when I let him know I was flustered he hadn't called or even apologized after texting me he loved me and going on about himself. THEN he called. 


He couldn't and cannot see it..the selfishness in everything he does, and when I try to get something for myself or get attention for my wants and needs I can hear his voice my head..I can just imagine him getting annoyed and saying “It's not always about you!” ..As if he is the one being bothered and wronged by MY selfishness. Oh my goodness gracious. The illogical madness of it all. It is so frustrating. 


And it is even more frustrating that I knew all of this and still was trying to accept and be good to him, I missed him and wanted him, but he couldn't even talk to me or forgive me!? Hopeless..why does he choose to create misery, then get sad about how hard it is for him to be so miserable?? He is in a crap situation, likely due to his crap attitude and inability to realize some of the stress and pain in his life is a direct consequence of his selfishness and disordered personality and untreated issues that need to be addressed! IF HE COULD JUST LOOK AT HIMSELF and stop hating me and everyone else..Good God. I loved him, I tried to love him, and he is just a complete jerk picking me apart every single time!


HE GETS FRUSTRATED WITH ME FOR GETTING FRUSTRATED WITH HIS FRUSTRATING BEHAVIOR🤦🏻‍♀️


Then he runs away and hides like I am the scary one who could do damage..He IS the damage. I'm only scary if you can't handle love, honesty and goodness. His ability to destroy and inflict suffering to those around him is so sad. It makes me sad. I want better for him. And yes, it is stressful and aggravating that I can accept and still care about him and his well-being but he can't even do close to the same when I am doing him a favor by being around. Damn D.B..damn.

That pride of yours..why is it so hard to accept I am awesome, without you automatically having to feel lame and mad? You don't have to be the coolest person in the room to be ok! I don't actually think you're lame and worthless without good traits..I simply also think you are an abusive asshole. In a room with the two of us...you know which one of us is the “better” person in general..you know that..Is that why you hate me? Because I don't suck badly enough to make YOU look good to yourself? Learn how to look good to yourself no matter who else is around! Dang it! 


I wish I could help you..I know you knowing some or all of this is true doesn't help you with your issues. I am sorry I can't help. I tried. I always do. Because I have love for you..but you still can piss me off and make me sad. I can't be fake enough to not call out the bullshit. I know you've read my page about righteous anger vs. your brand of hostility, maybe peek at it again before you try to pretend I am just as cruel as you for pointing out your flaws which caused me harm. K? Or don't. If lonely denial and misery is a more peaceful way to exist.


The fact that he could get someone like me to a point of being this forward and sometimes harsh/mean is a testament to his abusive ways and his antagonistic personality style.


The general mentality of most abusers is the worst entitled, hypocritical, cruel thing ever. It is exhausting, unjust, maddening, heartbreaking, illogical and a miserable counterproductive way to exist. Sure, I did counterproductive stuff too, like always letting him back in..but this post isn't about my mistakes, because my mistakes didn't cause the abuse, he did. Plus I focus enough on my errors and flaws already..he made sure of it ;).. 


No matter how many times or how hard he tries to blame me for his anger and failure to stick around..HE IS TO BLAME. He ran. He insulted. He triggered. He quit. He blocked me out. He treated me with worse disrespect than even my angriest texts and or voicemails the moment he chose to discard and delete me without closure like I wasn't even a human being worthy of compassion. He says he is competitive, well the only thing he is winning right now is a pissing match with me regarding who is the biggest inconsiderate, dehumanizing, selfish arse.- He wins.
  

The fact that I can see the positive in him and still manage to treat him like a person no matter how many times he has behaved like a monster, but he can't treat me like a person even though I almost always did right by him and definitely put forth more effort and gave more than he ever did or ever will..well it would be hilarious if it weren't so depressingly awful. It breaks my heart for him. I mean it. I cannot stay angry with him. I feel too sorry for him and his hateful, solitary mindset to wish him ill. I love the man, but I know he is deeply troubled, and his view of me in the world is obviously far off from reality, or else he'd treat me like the woman I am -deserving of kindness, respect and his time.


He chose to be bitter and hate me instead of talking it out to solve what could have easily been a much smaller conflict..instead of him deciding it was an impossible obstacle. But he chose that he would rather run being angry, feeling slighted, disrespected, contemptuous instead of calling me, inviting me over, laughing with me, holding me. He chose to be miserable and alone without the company of an accepting, forgiving woman with unconditional love for him no matter how big of a hard-headed asshole he is. HE CHOSE HIMSELF- again. He always will. 

 
I thank him for giving me a confidence boost for once. Surviving the cruelty of someone like this can make you feel might proud of your strength. I am sorry, but a weak person could never love or forgive D.B.


Yus! This makes me so happy.. Being able to laugh at myself and smile again. I am funny again! Thank God you didn't take that sass from me handsome. :) I have healthy narcissism levels..how bout you? Just kidding. I'm sorry, I know you know. Don't hate yourself please, just hate the mean damaging parts and try to make them better..I wish you could do that instead of hating yourself and other people. IF I CAN LOVE YOU, WHY CAN'T YOU??


I still wanted you around knowing you were full of it, but you chose to run and be a grump-ass instead of spending the evening with me? And you call me clueless... What kind of idiotic choice was that!? The one you recently made!? Sit angry, or be with pretty girl who wants me for some reason. hhmmmmm You thought “Let's be angry and hate her for not liking being treated badly instead.” LOL. Dude..no, j
ust no. Asinine. But thanks for sparing me the additional regret.


That's right babe..my hilarious and sarcastic humor has returned. My 'attitude' which you let me know pisses you off..Why? because it doesn't address you like you are my boss and leader? Like you are bigger and better than me? BECAUSE YOU AREN'T. We both matter equally! Hate to break it to you..wait, no I don't.I am not more deserving than you, I am not more worthy of love than you..WE BOTH DESERVE LOVE AND RESPECT EQUALLY. You just find me acting like your equal enraging because your disordered way of thinking makes you an entitled, arrogant, and misogynistic prick. Yes..I insulted you..kind of mean. And I am kind of sorry..but it is an accurate depiction, is it not?


Not my fault you loathe when I hold up the REAL MIRROR you refuse to look into. If you want to see a better reflection, become a better man.


I am becoming myself again, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. Take it or leave it, but I already know you don't want anyone around if you can't push them around and keep them down on the ground with you, do you dear?? 


Do I make you feel bad about yourself by being strong, cute, funny and good natured? I am actually sorry if you feel that way..because you'd have plenty going for you if you could remove your lovely head from your rectum. 


Yes, kind good natured people can develop a backbone and get mad too sir! So? I can also be a good, kind person who gets sick and tired of getting kicked around by someone like you! I have every right to get angry and condemn all of your cruel ways which hurt me. I have the right be a smartass and blow off steam with harshly accurate, yet funny descriptions of the bullshit you've put me through. You cannot tear me apart anymore, when I already know who I am and that your insults and accusations are complete nonsense. 


The fact that you even think I deserve you being unkind to me speaks for itself. I do not deserve your cruelty and criticism, but I always get it when I am trying my best to be there for you and love you..but when I ask for the same back..all hell breaks loose. Oh well. I accept you, now go work on yourself. I'm already working on myself, and obviously I am making progress. I can look at myself, admit my flaws, and work on them. Can you??

I think you can too, honestly...Just so you know..


Dear D.B.,

Hey mister.. Yes,  I am angry at your crappy choice and hateful mindset..But no matter my mood or frustration, I do NOT hate you or think you are without worth and potential for redemption. You just don’t have a chance to be back with me.
 

I am sad sometimes because you hurt me horribly, and because the you I thought you were is gone. You left behind some hideous scars and trauma, no matter if you get off on that fact or deny it..doesn't matter, because it is the truth. 

 
I am mad sometimes because you treated me so badly.. like I was not even human. Being degraded that way leads to a lot of rage. Being kept down, belittled and oppressed causes a lot of pent up anger which can burst out. I am not going to hide it. I’m pretty pissed sometimes.
 

However, I am sincerely sorry if any of my aggressive, truthful, or sarcastic words ever hurt your feelings. I don't think they will..I think they will just piss you off, because anger comes much more naturally to you than sadness, joy and care. I get that. I think I kind of get you..and D.B., I forgive you and I love you. That doesn't mean I should be with you. I've been kind of knowing that since May 2020..I didn't want to know that. I’m not in love with you..or my idea of you anymore.

 
Even if this means nothing at all to you, I am going to tell you that you matter to me. That will never change, even if you turn out to be the antichrist like you joked. Not even when I am strong enough to close this door forever and go to extremes to quit you..The fact that I care about your well-being will never change. You count too. I don’t deserve love more than you do..you’re a person. You matter.
 
I think there were many times you tried to make me feel bad for you, but now I do..it just isn't because of the sad stories you told me..It is because of the way you live..and the way you are stuck. I hope you find a way to escape.

I do not want you to remain someone that people have to survive and recover from..I think at least a TINY part of you doesn't want to be that either.
 

You don't have to be..You will never tremendously sweet and naturally compassionate, but that isn't a bad thing or a failure. You only fail when you give up and give in to being less than what you could be and what other people need you to be. Don't give up. If there is only a tiny tiny tinnnnny bit of humanity in there, I hope you don't lose it and that by some miracle you manage to find a way to nurture it and grow into more and better. 
 
If you like being this way..if you really think me and the world are the problem. If you really think the rest of us are fools to trick and play with..I am so sorry babe..I am so sorry that you see the world and people this way. I pray if you feel this way that you are too broken to be pained by how horrible it is. 
 
D.B. I can ramble on and on about how you've wronged me..and I honestly need to sometimes to get all the pain and poison out which you left behind..but back to the point..Even if I can and do ramble about your flaws that hurt me and the evil things you have done, that does not mean I think you are less than me or anyone else. I don't feel that way..or see you that way. I see you as something broken, threatening, sad and..as someone existing as less than the good man he could be. I see you as a person, and all people deserve to be loved.

  
 
Hate me. Hate my anger, and hate my sadness. Hate when I am right, and hate when I am wrong..But D.B. I will NEVER hate you.
 

I wish you well, I want better for you than how you live. I'll never stop hoping things turn around for you and that you decide to head in a more positive direction. I meant what I wrote on your card, even if you didn’t mean a word you said


I will never want you to hurt.  

I will always want you to be alright.


-Love, 

The big-hearted, goofy smartass who always tried her best to do right by you, but who always got told who she was unwanted and wrong (me lol..in case you didn't get that one)