1:30 a.m.- Random

* Explicit /  Violence *

Last time I saw him we were outside in a parking lot after our first therapy session together on February 2, 2021. A few nights before that we were in his room laughing as we watched The Wrong Missy on Netflix. It was a movie we’d watched the preview for the last time he came around for a hoover-discard in October.
 

Anyway.. He said "Come here babe," as he pulled me closer to him. I remember closing my eyes in that familiar room as I tucked my head in close to his chest. I remember wanting to pretend none of the horrible things had ever happened.
 

I guess I did pretend in that moment, as I stayed there with my eyes closed. I let myself be alright for a few moments cuddled up in his bed. I let myself forget everything, and simply allowed myself to breathe.
 

Some nights when I can't sleep I get sad and angry thinking about those moments when I was next to him. I get angry thinking about how he made me laugh and smile.
 

I get angry thinking about how I bothered to consider his sweet promises would actually be kept. I hoped.. 
 

I get angry that I let myself be in that room and in that headspace again.
 

I get angry with myself for not having stopped loving him by the time I reached that point.
 

But I am angriest about the fact that it is now 1:32 a.m. on a Saturday morning months later, and I'm in my dark room thinking about when I was in his dark room with him.
 

He ruined everything and broke my heart almost ten months ago...We have been over for that long.. But he has come back three times since then, and it makes it feel like we only ended in February.. not July. 
 

He makes the pain last by always popping back up the moment I start to almost feel like myself again.. and by making each episode yet another shocking betrayal that I should've seen coming.
 

I could never make sense of how he'd abuse and leave me in such a bizarrely harsh, abrupt fashion. So each time he came back it was as though I thought I was going to get my answers as to how and why he'd done what he did.. Like everything would finally make sense. 
 

My mind always responded as if him being around again was going to erase the fact that he'd ever abandoned me in such a heartless manner.
 

I let him back in because my love for him, and my attachment to what he convinced me we had, was still there each time he returned proclaiming his unwavering devotion.
  

He'd say all he knew I wanted to hear. He'd tell me how much he loved me, and how he wanted forever together. Everything he'd say would ease the suffering his past abuse had left me in.
 

When he comes back around saying how badly he wants to stay it temporarily takes away the lingering sting of the last time he left me behind.
 

Each time he turns his back on me I feel the same emptiness that took me over on his birthday. I guess that's what he wants, and that's why he does it. He likes breaking my heart.
 

Eventually my nights won't see him occupying my mind. One day, the love I had for a lie won't have this power over me..but that day is not today..
  

Today, I am where I am..
 

I am mad.
 

I am sad..
  

And I am tired.
  

I am really quite exhausted.
 

I miss someone I shouldn't miss. I miss someone who last hurt me on my own birthday… which even though ruining special occasions is what to expect with a Narcissist-101.. I was still foolish enough to hope he wouldn't do that to me after all the other bad he'd already done.
 

Why do I ever expect better from him? He's only ever been horrible to me and let me down before. That's all he knows how to do— cause severe pain and fail me.
 

I miss someone who managed to steal my heart, despite never having had one of his own.
 

I'm so annoyed..but mostly, I'm just tired of being sad. I'm tired of wanting something I know I never actually had- But I miss how beautiful it felt when I thought I had it…
 

I'm tired of his unjust wrath and hatred having such staying power. I'm mad that I loved him so much. He doesn't even think love matters. He doesn't think anything matters..other than what he wants and what he thinks he is. 
 

I'm just ready for another one of those days when I don't care and I am able to focus elsewhere..Maybe tomorrow will be another one of those days?
 

Yeah. Tomorrow can be a day without the love I had for a fraud of a man haunting me. :)
 

I'll hold on tight for tomorrow, a day when logic and emotions won't completely contradict one another. 

That'll be incredible.
 

Tomorrow will be a better day, I can feel indifferent towards him then.
 

Tonight is just another annoying moment to get past in order to get to where I'm headed.
  

This heartache can shove it! 🤓Goodnight 🖤