Sections:

• Intro
• Fears
• Better Timeline
• My Role & Errors
• Related Posts
  

Fears

Sometimes I get too scared and confused to trust myself. I’m constantly worried I'm making the wrong move or thinking the wrong thought. I wonder if I'm being too selfish and becoming a mean, unfair person.
   

Don't let my rants standing up for myself fool you, I still struggle to trust my ability to perceive much of anything. It goes back and forth. I’ll believe in myself..then I won’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️
 

I used to be too trusting, but now I go into a panic whenever I start getting comfortable with someone. When I catch myself feeling certain of what's going on between myself and another person I try to find proof that I’m not mistaken. I want to know it’s safe. 
 

I get frightened because I wonder.. what if I'm wrong? What if I trust a person is decent and means me no harm.. but then they turn out to be malicious? What if not suspecting awful things gets me fooled again?

I don’t want to let my guard down and have my heart used against me. How the hell can I know what a person tells me is genuine? How can I know if the person is who they seem to be, or if it is all a false presentation?
 

Ever since 2020, my grasp on reality has become inconsistent. I'm afraid to trust I know what is and what isn't. 
 

What if I believe I know exactly who I am and where I stand with another person.. but then violently have all my beliefs erased as a horrific truth emerges and shows me none of what I cherished was real? 

It’s happened before. 
 

What if I am stupid enough to let that happen to me again? How can I avoid getting destroyed without avoiding all the good too??
  

I couldn't take having everything ripped out from under me again. I don't have the same amount to hold onto right now because nobody has my heart, but I'm still afraid to allow myself to trust that another person won't intentionally break me apart when I least expect it.
 

I never want to believe in something as much as I believed in the lies D.B. told me. Loving someone that much opened my heart up to the most painful thing I've ever felt. I still have to cope with remnants of that pain whenever it resurfaces. I never want to relive it.
  

I don't want to think I know what's real just to be shown I don't know anything. My mind still hasn't healed from being blindsided and obliterated the time before.
 

I want to feel certain, but believing in good things is hard now. I believed in something good. I put everything I had into protecting, nurturing, and appreciating what I had because it was the most wonderful and worthwhile thing in the world to me. Then I found out it was never real.
  

It's hard to describe the anguish you feel the moment you realize someone you love used everything you entrusted them with against you. That moment when the person you gave everything turns their back on you like you’re nothing.
 

Well, it causes psychological trauma for a reason. Heartbreak is more than heartbreak when it kills a piece of you.
 

I never want to believe in a lie again, but how do I know what is or isn't true?
  

What if someone leaves after I get really used to them being around? 
  

What if I like someone and truly care about how they are, just to find out a release is all they ever wanted me for?
  

What if I accept what a person tells me, but it turns out to be nothing but lies designed to keep me where they want me?
  

What if I'm vulnerable with someone and they use it all against me to make me feel small instead of using it to know which parts of me to show the most compassion?
 

I sound paranoid...but not suspecting such cruel things is what allowed them to be done to me. I trusted my last partner, and now I don't trust anyone.
  

I want to build trust once I find someone who wants to build some with me too. Not sure how helpful keeping to myself is in regards to finding companionship. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

All my fears leave me lonely, and being this lonesome makes me sad. I want someone to talk to and to care for. I want to be accepted and feel safe. I want to be able to relax and know there's someone I can trust. I want to know someone cares about what's in my best interest just as much as I care about what's in theirs. 

This person could be a friend, a partner, or a family member. I just want to have someone who actually cares about me on my side. 
 

I don't want to remain isolated, but people scare me. Can we all have like… badges or flashing signs above our heads so I can avoid unsafe and unkind people? Ha
 

Better Timeline

June — July 2021:

Went through another hoover with my ex right in time for the one year anniversary of the main discard.

August 2021:

I tried to return to life and move on. I worked up the nerve to go back to school.

I began classes at Sowela.

September 2021:

I unexpectedly developed a major crush on the man I refer to as M.

Sept. — Nov. 2021:

M. flirted with me. I flirted back. He seemed interested. I couldn’t wait for the semester to end because that's when I hoped he'd make his move. 

December 2021: 

The semester ended and he didn't pursue me. I felt rejected, confused, disappointed, and embarrassed.

January 2022:

I began doubting my ability to understand what was going on around me. I wrote posts to work out my logical thoughts and some illogical emotions. Cognitive dissonance throwback.

February 2022: 

I started my second semester. By happenstance I saw M. in the hall one day. We made eye contact but he doesn't smile or anything. I felt sad and foolish..
 

I grew a pair and sent him a message on Facebook within that same hour. I felt like the chemistry and potential had been there.. I hoped I hadn't imagined it. So..I went for it.
 

He responded to my message.. and we said maybe one or two things before he let the conversation die. I was bummed but proud of myself for putting myself out there.. even in ways some people may think are small.

March 13ish, 2022: 

M. reached back out and said "OK. So when do you graduate?" My heart started racing and I practically squealed. I told my mom.. lol. I kept her posted about the crush thing since the start. She knew I was infatuated with and very curious about this man.
  

He and I talked that entire night.

During this talk we officially introduced ourselves. It was fun. He picked back and forth with me about taking me out for sushi and to experience more things because he was shocked with how much I hadn't allowed myself to live. 
 

I asked him how long he'd been single and he said "Way too long." I asked how long, and he told me his whole life...followed by “I mean I’ve had girlfriends, but nothing very serious or for more than a few months.” He also told me how he was a late bloomer because he'd wanted to be a monk as a teen and so on.
 

I let him know I was attracted to him.. He said he was attracted to me too. We joked around about how we’d decide if we could stand each other after our third date. He told me he liked me and hoped he hadn't scared me off already.
 

He fell asleep mid conversation, which was fine because it was late. Our talk did leave a cliffhanger about us meeting up and getting to know each other better.
  

He didn't reach out the next morning to say he fell asleep. He didn't attempt to resume any conversation with me at all. 
  

After five days of this unexpected nothingness I messaged him. His silence and lack of eagerness to speak with me after how we'd unveiled our interest in one another was baffling to me.
 

There'd been months of build up. He'd said he was into me too and talked about us going on some dates or a few adventures together.. so I expected we'd make plans and continue speaking.. 
  

Most people do talk to each other a lot when they are excited to meet someone they have romantic interest in.. but he went silent like the conversation never happened. He said he was interested then acted incredibly disinterested. I guess it’s hard for me to feel safe with contradictions.
 

When I approached him with the insecurity I felt he invalidated me. I found this more triggering because I believed he'd been reading my webpage (for good reason!) and knew more about me than he was claiming to.
 

I freaked out a bit. I was humiliated to be so easily spooked from 'stonewalling' due to how intensely my ex's stonewalling and gaslighting traumatized me. I felt like I already blew my chance and ruined everything. I felt guilty, confused, and problematic.
 

I apologized to M. I also explained my perspective and acknowledged how my issues don't excuse my sensitivity and intense reactions. I sent him a link to this webpage (even though I believed he’d been viewing it.)
 

He read my open and apologetic message that included a link to my webpage. 

He then fell silent for two weeks. 
 

April 2, 2022:

He finally reached back out and said he was sorry for taking so long, but that I gave him a lot to process.  Fair enough.
  

Then he went on to say he read some of my writings and listened to the audio recordings on my webpage... but that to him it seemed like my ex was only trying to make me happy, and that my whole website is about how I don't trust anyone.
 

Those invalidating words caused a stabbing pain. The rejection..The fantasy crush for all those months taking the side of a man who had scarred me in such a horrific manner.. It hurt.  

M. ended his message by saying maybe we're both just too broken. Salt .. enter.. wounds..
 

Recovering from an abusive man who made me feel I was too much of a burden and not good enough to love... just to have a crush follow it up by reinforcing that even he thinks I’m too damaged to be worthwhile.
 

My heart guys. It was painful, humiliating shit. I responded politely while still standing up for myself.

April — June 2022:

He went silent for the entirety of this time. Not a single word. He ran from me. That’s his right, but it hurt. 

Mid July? 2022: 

He came back and we patched things up. We bonded over some shared issues.
 

He said us dating was inevitable because he liked me. He said we needed to do this right and take it slow because he didn’t want to be one of 'those guys.'
  

I started to feel hopeful and impressed with his thoughtful sentiments. 
 

One night he invited me to come over and I was elated! Then he canceled after I’d gotten fixed up because he said if he started something with me right before he left for Vegas it would mess him up and be all he thought about. He said he didn't want to start us on a stutter or something like that..
 

I got confused about why he couldn't be involved with me while out of town.. Phones exist..ya know..  I shared how I felt about it.. He apologized and told me to come over that night. I got ready all over. I was pleased but incredibly nervous.. 
   

This was going to be the first time we got to be around each other in a setting outside of school.
  

I drove out to his place. It was dark. I felt weak in the knees and couldn't believe my daydreams were actually becoming a reality. YAY! 
 

I was in his driveway and didn't know if I was at the right place or where I needed to park.. So I called him. He didn't answer. I texted and waited a moment. No answer..I called.. Nothing. I'd driven 20 minutes to get there, and then I drove another 20 back home. 

It was triggering..but my issues aren't his fault.. So I didn't lash out or write him off. 
 

The excitement of thinking I was going to get to spend time with him, followed by not being able to see him was pretty unpleasant..

but on top of that, fear kicked in because how could I know if he actually fell asleep or if he was intentionally messing with my confidence the way my ex had??? It’s scary not to expect the worst.  
 

This incident and the anxiety it caused pulled me back in time. I cried and lost sleep. My heart wouldn’t slow down. I was tempted to shut down and throw my guard up..but I didn't. He apologized the next morning. I forgave him and tried to be fair.
  

But.. then he still tried to not see me before his trip..even after his painful blunder the night before. huh?

He hurt my feelings and let me down, and was about to do it again until the timing was best for him? I was so .. for lack of a better word- triggered.
 

I shared how I was feeling and he proceeded to compliment my ‘guilt tripping skills’.. I said "Excuse Me?"  His passive aggressive insult and accusation triggered me even more. I told him it wasn’t nice or accurate to say I was trying to influence his feelings by sharing my own.
  

I just wanted to be heard and understood because how else could he get to know me or my needs?
  

If you care at all about someone..you should want to know how they feel and if you made them feel badly. Hell, even if it isn't your fault they're upset or they misunderstood...you're still supposed to care about their feelings enough to listen and/or compromise within reason. It's the decent and loving thing to do for ANYONE.. even a stranger. Anyway..
 

He apologized again.. which I appreciated and wasn’t expecting.
  

Then for once I got my way. What?!?!? Maybe he is for real!
 

M. had me over at his place that night. We watched shows, talked, laughed, and kissed for hours. 

It was really nice to be held like that. Nobody has ever massaged my back, arms, and hands that way before.. or at all. It was very nice.
 

The attention from someone I wanted to give my undivided attention to was so lovely. 

Naturally, I became hopeful and excited about starting something new with this guy. 
 

He went out of town as expected.. but didn't say a word to me for a week. I didn't expect that.
  

It was incredibly (word of the day y'all!-) triggering.. When I shared my feelings he gaslighted hard, whether intentional or not. I felt embarrassed, stupid, selfish, and afraid I’d screwed everything up again.
  

He forgave me for feeling..I guess. But then never tried to get to know me better or work up to entering the relationship he said he felt we were going to have and do right.
 

He never spent time with me or tried to be near me.. However. we stayed in touch and spoke a lot throughout most days for a few weeks. That was nice.

July — Early Aug. 2022:

It felt like it was building up to something and we were learning each other a little better.. I felt we were bonding the way people who regularly interact are meant to.

Weeks full of him messaging me regularly. 

Late August:

Then suddenly, he pulled away.
   

I felt unease. I tried to stop worrying. He kept talking to me less and less.. A week or two of one word, or no words at all. 
 

I got confused because the communication was previously becoming great and consistent.
 

I let him know that I missed talking to him and that my days were more enjoyable when he was around.. I let myself be vulnerable. I let him know I wanted him..

September 2022:

I told him I needed to know where I stood with him because the back and forth had me confused. I asked if we were just friends, and said if so I would start letting go of the romantic feelings I had for him.
   

He responded by saying we were friends, but that we were also more than friends.. and that he didn't know exactly what that was.
 

That response sucked because I told him I needed clarity and to know what his intentions were in order to have some peace of mind... 
  

His response gave me more questions and kept me on the hook..

I couldn't be upset with him if he never stepped up because he covered his ass by saying he wasn't sure.. So technically he never said we’d become an item..even if he heavily hinted at the possibility.

Seems like it could be a clever way to keep me as an option regardless of the hell it will be for me to be left hanging on for nothing. It's cruel and selfish. I deserved more than an unclear answer.
  
I had asked to know what we were and what he wanted because all his mixed signals were tearing me up. Too much anxiety. I wanted to know I wasn’t wasting my time or developing feelings for someone who’d never have any for me…
 

I thanked him for his honesty because I couldn't think beyond that at the time. I tried to go back to chatting with him like normal. He casually dismissed the more meaningful discussion, said a few nice things, and later gave me a movie recommendation- Multiplicity. I watched it and tried to shoot the shit with him.
 

He turned cold, and a few days later he stopped talking to be altogether.. Our last time chatting was September 2nd or 3rd. But the weeks leading up to that point he’d already become very disengaged and dismissive.
 

October 2022: 

After 3–4 weeks of him no longer speaking with me I rebounded and saw my ex.. I ran from the pain of that 'inevitable relationship' and those 'dates' never happening with M.
 

I became scared and worried that I was no good. I felt like I ruined everything and that I must've been why M. stopped talking to me.
 

I started to think I was too much or too little and that's why nothing ever progressed with M.. I got scared to choose which way to go. I didn't trust myself again..
 

I spiraled down and confided in my ex. I didn't expect to actually see him. My brain never knows what’s real with him. I felt ashamed of myself.
 

I missed my friend. I really liked and cared for more than a friend friend. I realized I'd self destructed and sabotaged myself.
 

I had nobody. I felt panicked. I struggled to settle down. I was overwhelmed and felt so alone that the center of my chest felt like it was carrying immeasurable weight.

October 18th-ish?:

No contact with my ex resumed.
 

I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I did wrong, and how stupid and careless I’d been with my choices. I thought about how pathetic I must be to have relied on my ex to numb me to things I should've been able to handle on my own.
 

Self-hatred.. terror...and hopelessness took over my head. I began to lose touch with what was real and who I am. I started experiencing persistent suicidal ideation.
  

Although M. stopped communicating with me throughout September.. and I had done something very stupid that put my mental health in peril.. M. had told me he was my friend..and I really needed a friend.
 

I needed help.
 

I reached out to M. I was scared, hurting, and drastically more unsteady. Something was happening to me. It reminded me of the nervous breakdown I had after D.B. discarded me.
  

I was sucked back in time to that ridiculous day in 2020– I was there, overtaken by the indescribable sensations I’d felt the moment everything had hit me at once. The sudden shift backwards was disorienting and horrifying. I’d been triggered in the worst way, and I’d done it to myself by making stupid, unhealthy choices.. Like opening up so much in the first place, as well as unblocking my ex the first time M. vanished for months. I shouldn’t have done that. 
 

Someone being kind to me and talking with me would have helped tremendously, but there was nobody there. I started to wonder if nobody was there because I don't deserve anyone.
 

I pushed pride aside and asked M. if he could talk.. I was ready to tell him everything toxic I'd done and how lost I was feeling. I was starving for kindness.
 

I hoped that he was still my friend even if me wanting to date him scared him away.  Sadly, he didn’t respond.
 

I was back in No Contact with my ex, and the friend I wanted so badly chose to cut off all contact from me. He ignored my cry for help.
 

I got through that difficult period of time so well that I gained 20 lbs and avoided registering for the upcoming spring semester. I felt too embarrassed, sad, and unsure of myself. I'd reverted back to broken.. It's easy to get stuck there.
 

Oct. 2022 —Jan. 30th: 

I spent these months with nobody to talk to. I'm nobody's problem or responsibility, but that didn’t make the isolation and unexpected rejection any less excruciating.
  

I'd be there for anyone, but my more than friend wouldn't be there for me. That hurt and felt familiar enough to..you guessed it.. trigger me further. I'm tired of being so easily triggered just because I liked a man. 

January 31, 2023:

M. sent me a message asking "How much do you hate me?" 

I told him I didn’t because I really don't. I hate what he does sometimes, but I appreciate and admire him as a person.
 

I was very happy and relieved to hear from him. It was like a taste of the big hug I'd been desperately needing.
 

He let me know there were no excuses for what he'd done..  then went on to say he hated how I unsent messages and that I hadn't reached out either... but I had.
 

So basically..he comes back with a weak apology. I call it weak because he still shifted blame for how he hurt me onto me...which added more hurt to the hurt he’d already caused.
 

I didn't deserve to be discarded and stonewalled for months just because I cared and put down a boundary when I told him I required clarity. 
 

No matter what little bit of maddening lameness he dished out, I was still happy he was back because he dished out a lot more that wasn't lame at all. I saw more and appreciated the good.

February—March 2023:

We talked A LOT all of February and March. I adored it too!
 

Once again.. a lot of him saying "Good morning" "How's your day going" "What are you up to?" Blah blah blah. The stuff I like.
 

Us talking in the morning, throughout the day, and late in the evening before bed.
 

I started to feel important and like he might actually want what he said he wanted. He let me know he liked me. We started flirting and making plans for whenever we were going to see each other in a more intimate setting.
 

He sometimes scoffed at my enthusiasm after he hyped me up. I corrected him/stood up for myself when he was insensitive.
 

He was often kind and seemed to be trying to approach things in a healthier way. I was trying to do better with my weaknesses too. I got hopeful..and excited.. but then it happened again. 
 

He warned me this time. He was going out of town for a week..which for some reason meant the last thing he wanted to do was continue treating me like I existed and was a part of his life.

April 2023:

Things shifted. 
 

Even though for the last two months we'd been talking about what we were eating, doing, thinking all throughout each day..he suddenly was no longer there. He became unavailable and uninterested in me or how I experience life.
 

I went from seeing his name pop up each morning, to seeing nothing for days and having to be the one to reach out each time. Not only that.. I started feeling sad and confused.
 

I tried to discuss my confusion and hurt, he shut me down. He told me I was acting like the world was falling apart. That he was simply busy and I should only start conversations with questions if he hasn't said anything to me for a week.
 

Basically..he implied I was being ridiculous by wanting to talk about our interpersonal relationship. I was overreacting by feeling things he's uncomfortable with.
 

He acted like there was nothing worth talking about because he said so and didn’t see any problem from his perspective.. But what the hell about mine!??

My point of view counts too! It's just as real, and so are my feelings. 
  

He automatically treated me like I could have no valid concern or anything of value to say.
 

I tried to defend myself. I asked him not to invalidate my emotions or tell me when I'm allowed to speak my mind.
 

I felt brushed off and like I was just shamed for needing to discuss something that mattered to me simply because he was too chicken to let me or my feelings matter to him. 
 

He fussed and blocked conversation when I wanted to have one. Gaslighting is a bitch...no matter how kindly the redirects are worded or how innocent the lies may seem.
 

I started to feel guilty and insane. I apologized and took on all the blame he shifted in small ways..  You know.. the type that eventually it builds up and provokes me to defend myself. I asked him to stop.

May 2023:

He remained more distant than he was February-March.. but he was still around. I was glad, but sad to feel like I was being shelved.
 

Whenever I’d start to disconnect because he disconnected from me, he’d then reach back out and flirt with me like he hadn’t been distant..
  

He leaves me in the dark on pause for days just to show back up talking to me as though his impossible to anticipate absences haven't had me miserable, stressed, and insecure the entire time.

Anyway..

Things were going..ok. I've been pretty miserable waiting to feel wanted back..but ya know. I don't want him to go away and I enjoy whenever he does deem me interesting enough to talk to.
  

I'm wondering why I care or get upset because at least he's still around.. even if barely. I'm lonely.
 

He was there a lot and I was happy..but after April he lost interest..yet shows it and claims to have it sometimes?
 

I throw up my walls. Or try to. I find happiness in other areas of my life I need to work on.
 

But from time to time he'll pop up in my inbox talking like it's February and March still..just to then fall silent yet again! :(
 

My emotions getting pulled to the left as soon as I settle to the right. 

Around and around..back and forth. So I start to give up. It's whatever. Hello May..let's watch another man devalue you. Yay... 

Late May — Early June: 

Oh look he's talking a little more again. I get hopeful.. those feelings of interest and care return..
  

I'm starting to get a more comfortable, but then a week of silence goes by. Not a single word. Oh dammit. I give up. I’m tired of feeling rejected.
 

I'm done. I deserve better. Look at me being strong! I write stuff..I feel empowered. I can see more clearly. I know what this mess I'm dabbling in is.
 

Then after a week ignoring me he reaches out. I'm relieved.. I still care. I may be confused and hurt, but I’m relieved to be spoken to again. I missed him!
 

My mood is uplifted until he goes on to say how hot and bothered some stranger has been getting him over the past week. 

What..the..hell..is..wrong..with.. you..?????????!!!!???? 🥺
  

I stand up for myself..then I cry. I call. I leave a message expressing why him sharing something like that hurt and how his behavior is confusing me. (He also said he didn’t want to go on a date with anyone… When I’ve literally been wishing for nearly two years that he’d take me out and court me like a gentleman 😭) 
 

He apologized..but not without a subtle guilt trip.. He did wrong. He hurt me. He was a selfish jerk..but I feel bad about it. He says he told me he is a mess and has issues..but I must have not taken him seriously or believed how bad they are.

He goes on to speak as though he's been victimized by the situation he created.. a situation that pained me. He says how people say they understand he has issues and care until he has a bad day. Like people just bail on him or hate him the minute he scews up.—
  

OH!.. I'm sorry that you talking to the girl you've been leading on and taking for granted for over a year about how you’re lusting uncontrollably after someone else is just you 'having a bad day.' No.
 
I can roll with someone having bad days and issues… We all struggle..even if some do it differently than others. I won’t abandon or hate someone for being imperfect or troubled! But being troubled doesn’t excuse treating me like garbage.  
 

Made me think of like.. I don’t know. When a man punches his wife and then says he was just stressed and having a bad day! Ohhhhhhhh. So that’s how that mindset works!

Let me apply that logic!—- Dean was a monster towards me….but he has underlying issues and is suffering a lot..so it's ok and doesn't count if his heartless actions caused immense suffering for anyone else. My pain doesn't count because his shitty actions weren’t his fault… NO. NO. NO. 

Wrong is wrong.
 

Having a rough time or a disorder of the mind doesn’t make being cruel to others acceptable or less damaging. 
 

M. hurt my feelings.. stressed me the hell out..but then I apologized to him, offered support, and felt like I needed to do more for him .WTF? Guess he's owed that but I'm not owed his time or respect. Ouch!!!!!

Then... things got better.
 

We started talk more. I shared feelings despite the consequences I’ve faced for doing so in the past. 
  

We even made plans! Finally! 

I got pretty.. he started backing out. I stood up for myself. He confirmed the plans and started asking about getting ready/shaving/getting himself cleaned up. 
 

I told him I’d be there by a certain time.. I got dressed and packed up some things I’d gotten for him.. I stopped before walking out my door to ask if his house was hot and I needed to pull my hair up.. 
 

AND GUESS WHAT!??  

He had left his house because some friends dropped by. He blew me off for what feels like the bajillionth time! 
 

He apologized and made excuses.. But later apologized more honestly.. which I really appreciated. 
 

Then we kept talking a decent amount. Until.. right after I told him something very kind that expressed support, appreciation, and genuine care for him as person. 

Poor guy. Must suck to have someone who actually wants you around and cares about your well-being. I’d hate it.. Oh wait 🤦🏻‍♀️ that’s all I want!
 

Then he asked me later that night what I was going to be doing the next morning.. He hinted at us seeing each other.. But when morning came he ignored me and made excuses when I confronted him. Something was off.. he was being rude and extra distant.
 

Instead of apologizing for ignoring me he blamed Facebook. I’m sorry..but Facebook inaccurately displaying when you are online doesn’t make it impossible for you to text or message me.. Which means you chose to ignore me all on your own… and me being hurt by that is valid. My feelings matter. 

I’m tired of excuses, avoidance, and inconsideration.
 

Looking at this summary I see how much time has gone by, but we still havent gone on a single date or spent any quality time together. 
 

We haven’t kissed or been near each other since LAST June.
 

Does it sound like he cares?? 

No.. but it shows me I care way too much for people who don’t even seem to want me around. 
  

I can cope with all that mess and invest time working to resolve conflicts as I also address on my own faults.. BUT a man acts like I’m not worth any of his precious time. 
 

Dammit. Not again.
 

I won't be a hypocrite.. I'll own that I'm making stupid damaging choices too! Sure..I too have legitimate issues that fuel my struggles.. but that doesn't make the choices I make any less mine! My mistakes are made by me, thus I'm responsible for them...not my past or anyone else.
 

If I do wrong..I simply do wrong, apologize, and try to do better. It's not always someone or something's fault. Often it is me.
  

We all do wrong..but denying it in a way that further wrongs people you've already wronged is ridiculous and cruel! It's just additional wrong! Stop it.
 

I see the situation, and I am staying in it right now. Yeah.. my care, hope, and denial are powerful..but guess who is making the choice regarding how I handle it?? ME. I choose good and bad things, and he has free will to do the same. He could choose to be nice/fair to me.
 

I can sympathize with having narcissistic defenses all day long- I have a few- but that does not make any form of emotional abuse justified, acceptable, or null when carried out unintentionally by someone in pain. 
 

If your actions only focus on what they do or don't do for you there will be collateral damage all around you.

If you interreact with someone without ever considering their feelings then you will end up hurting them.. a lot. It's undeniable.
  

Hurting people..being unfair..disrespectful.. denying their rights.. or disregarding them like they aren't real.. it's all mistreatment.
 

Mistreating others with your lack of consideration is a form of abuse- it's narcissistic abuse, to be exact. And I am embarrassed for allowing myself to experience another version/degreee of it.
 

The lack of attention given or care shown starts getting to me more and more each day. I get sad and mad. 
 

He insists everything be done on his terms so that interacting with me is done in a way that caters to his issues and preferences while he devalues me and my issues by giving me no say and failing to be considerate of me.
 

He’s in control of—

— when we talk, and for how long. (He’ll shut down mid conversation because of his mood…As if him having personal struggles makes ignoring someone or abruptly withdrawing from a conversation with no explanation an acceptable or non-harmful thing to do. It’s not right or fair to the other person. Doing the right thing should be more important than doing what’s easiest for you. You aren’t the only person who matters and feels.)
 

— if and when we’ll ever spend time together.. 
  

— when I have a choice about us and our plans..but it’s always only when it’s the same as his.. (He unpredictably changes his mind and takes all control back away from me.. which means he controls my control too..Thus I never have any because he always makes himself the focus of everything..    ———He decides what will and will not happen in terms that allow no wiggle room to make space for someone else to matter too! ———.   Practically all his actions I’ve told him hurt me have been caused by him controlling things to be exactly how HE wants them to be with no consideration for how wrong it may be or how awful it makes me feel. Do better.) 
 

My issues and needs matter just as much as his do. He says if only I understood what is in his head. NO. I want to understand what goes on in his head.. I do care.. But no matter how bad it may be, it doesn’t make hurting me less of a problem in need of addressing.
 

Hurting and struggling is no excuse to be unfair or inconsiderate towards people. Other people hurt too. 
 

I want to know if I’m wrong or being hurtful so I can do better. So why can’t I hope someone will care and try to do better when I let them know they’re hurting me???
   

I guess I need to read this post over and over again until I can finally accept that he doesn’t view me anything but a distraction or option to shelve for later use. 
 

That doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to believe that  He’s not leaving me much choice is he? Ugh. Too familiar..
  

My Role & Errors

Oh.. lord. Where do I begin? 😬🤦🏻‍♀️ I feel like I'm getting too narcissistic now. I'll start with the stuff in that timeline…
 

My aggressive focus on his missteps instead of on the fact that I have willingly hung around feeling anxios, hurt, and rejected for over a year. Why?
  

That doesn’t mean I didn’t do wrong too or that I don’t want to be his friend, but if how things were going hurt me that much why didn’t I try to change our dymanic or leave the situation???
  

THAT’S what I need to address.. because my choices are all I have control over… and the reasons behind some of them are concerning.
 

The moment M. told me he wasn’t sure marriage or a real relationship was right for him.. why the hell didn’t I close the door to romantic possibilities right then and there!?
 

I could’ve chosen to strictly be his friend instead of waiting around for him to decide whether or not he wanted more. If he doesn’t want me badly enough to act upon it then I should’ve acted by taking myself off the table as an option. Why didn’t I? 
  

Why didn’t I say “Oh, you aren’t sure? You’re too busy? You’re too embarrassed? Don’t be, because your indecision and lack of passion for me doesn’t meet MY standards.” 
 

I deserve to be wanted, appreciated, and prioritized. So why have I been sitting around crying because someone is failing to see that? It’s not like someone else’s poor vision is my problem or an accurate reflection of who I am.
 

Him having no desire to ever commit to loving someone doesn’t make him a horrible person, it just makes him not compatible enough to be MY person.. because I am designed to give an abundance of love. Keeping it all to myself feels..painful because it’s going to waste. 
  

If he doesn’t value or want authentic love then why..why..why have I been waiting around hoping for him to finally let me in to figure him out? 
 

Sure..he’s gone back and forth and said things that have given me hope that we could evolve.. but we haven’t. Nothing has happened.. So I need to accept the reality that he simply doesn’t want a deeper connection with me. He has the right to not want what I do. 
 

So.. sure, he’s screwed up. So have I. But.. I could’ve always raised my standards and self respect enough to not settle for being treated certain ways.. But instead I chose waiting with my fingers crossed while letting my heart get kicked around in slow motion. hah. 
 

I could’ve shut it down.. I could’ve been his friend and let go of what I’d hoped would happen. I was aching for more care than platonic friendship with him, but maybe a lack of love is for the best. He deserves to live however he wants to, and I deserve to find what I long for. 
 

If M. wants to live his life solo then he should do so. Just maybe without leading anyone on ;).. but yeah. I hopped right back into an unhealthy loop with someone I wasn’t even dating. lol. Thats how talented I am! 🤦🏻‍♀️ haha I’m just picking on myself. I can admit I’ve been a needy jackass barking up the wrong tree.. and been a sweet one with good intentions too ☺️
 
Some of the stuff over the past year or so has been unfair. But.. I felt it. I suspected things. Yet I ignored myself because I doubted myself. I have to stop doing that shit.
  

The Hoovers..

Time to address me unblocking or reaching out to the ex a couple times over the past year + when M. would reject me/ disappear..
 

Well, that was fucking stupid. No excuse. Nothing justifies my poor choice. But I’m glad it didn’t wrong anyone but myself. 
  

—It wasn’t unfair to D.B. because I was transparent with him. When I first unblocked D.B. after M. dismissed me in March 2022 I told him exactly why I was talking to him. He knew about M. He knew how hurt I was to be rejected and ghosted. He knew I wanted M. He’d known that since our previous hoover in January when I told him how sad I was M. hadn’t made a move yet. ha. Such a frickn weird situation…confiding in the person who nearly destroyed me. Super healthy………☠️ Anyway—He knew I only called because I was sad. He even knew that M. took his side over mine after viewing my webpage. I didn’t call D.B. to resume a relationship or hook up, I called him becuase I was hurt and desperate to have someone to talk to other than an AI app!  I apologized to D.B. because I didn’t feel right ‘using’ him like that, but he laughed and said he didn’t care and that it was the least he could do.. or something like that? Possibly because he knew seeming selfless would rub me the right way. I don’t know. It progressed from there.
 

—It wasn’t unfair to M. because he discarded me. He had no loyalty towards me. Thus, I didn’t owe the ghost he became my loyalty either. He stonewalled/ghosted me for months. I didn't want a damn triangle or to move backwards. I only wanted M. Then when he was gone I just wanted to stop feeling so sad and alone. He’d abruptly left me behind after acting like we had a connection. That doesn’t mean I didn’t make the toxic choice to break No Contact with Dean on my own. I totally did. I’m fully responsible for that shitshow.. I’m just saying I don’t owe M. an explanation. I don’t deserve to feel guilty for it, yet I still do. How annoying. I feel like I cheated on M. but he wasn’t my boyfriend by a long shot! What the hell is up with that? Maybe because I still liked him the whole time so it felt gross talking to D.B. I don’t know. M. literally cut off all communication with me for months..yet I still feel guilty for communicating with another man during that time. I’m a hot mess. Whatever.
 

—It was unfair to myself. It was a toxic ass response to the situation. I should’ve known better. I was weak and seeking comfort. I was an idiot. I was codependent doing like, a No Contact relapse. lol I gave into whatever made coping easier for me at the time knowing full well it’d make it more difficult and painful later on. Oooo look at me picking up narcissistic traits 🤦🏻‍♀️ . Dear God have mercy. Yeah. Like a junkie trying to stop feeling. Once more.. It was a stupid, destructive, selfish, impulsive, and totally avoidable chocie. I made it anyway. I did that wrong. No amount of pain I felt at the time makes it any more right. I have the power to choose, and I chose poorly. I’ve payed for it. Hoovers are always triggering.. so I had to face the hellish consequence of reliving the pain of July 8, 2020 all over again. That’s what I think I deserved for being such a needy baby, and that’s precisely what I got. It’ll be ok though.